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00:00Previously on Crodmandu
00:01I'm Rafe Longshaft, spelt Ralph, pronounced Rafe.
00:04Sorry, we're late, but this thing's weighing me down.
00:08Welcome to the council, brother.
00:09I am about to activate the most powerful weapon in the world.
00:13Yeah, I know, it's really impressive, isn't it?
00:15Long live the resistance!
00:16I don't think she's going to be giving him much resistance.
00:40The End
00:50Crod's comrades knew that to buoy his sunken spirits
00:54they had to thrust their warrior friend into a battleground more treacherous than any
00:59he'd faced in his blood-soaked past.
01:02The Hesomiel single scene.
01:05What is on tonight?
01:05Hello, girls.
01:07Magic is in the air, fellas.
01:08Look, you know what, guys?
01:09Look, I'm just going to catch up with you.
01:10No, no, no, no, no.
01:10No, I just, I don't feel like...
01:12Crod, I know you're hurting.
01:14Terrified, maybe even a tinge bewildered.
01:17But, if life has taught me anything, it's this.
01:20The only way to get over someone is to get under someone new.
01:24Really? Like, so under?
01:26Don't be a literalist.
01:28Hey, Cuasto, use your indoor manners.
01:30Sonny, I'm very achieve.
01:32Zez has made me bung up my muskline.
01:34Zez?
01:35Yes, I did make him bung it up.
01:36Because the damn thing attracts a skanky class of female.
01:39I'm going to tell you something, Cuasto.
01:40I'm not selling for nothing less than top-shelled winches.
01:43That's it.
01:48I'm so weak.
01:50Un-bung it. Un-bung it.
01:52Let the funk out. We're going ugly early.
01:54Hey!
01:55Seriously, can we just get out of here?
01:57Crod, why the negative headspace?
01:59Think about what all these ladies are seeing.
02:01Arguably the hottest man in Hesville just walked through that door.
02:05Wow.
02:05And you are standing right next to him.
02:08Eventually they're going to notice you.
02:10Don't know why you didn't let me manskeep you.
02:12Yeah, I do.
02:12Maybe a little bit of guy-like.
02:13No, no.
02:14Bruce, I'm good.
02:16I got these, Crod.
02:18Hey.
02:21Did you see that?
02:22Yes.
02:23Game on.
02:24Okay.
02:25You march over there.
02:26Be fun.
02:27Be flirty.
02:28Be fabulous.
02:29But, Crod, look at me.
02:31Seriously.
02:32Under no circumstances are you to mention Annika.
02:35So, I've listed Annika's pros and cons.
02:38And, well, let's face it, there's some serious cons.
02:42But, you know, as crazy as it sounds, I think the pros have it.
02:46I mean, I just believe we belong together.
02:48You know?
02:48I mean...
02:49The Mermodals have raided the pagan village.
02:52They took all our women.
02:58Oh, no, no.
02:59Somebody shot him in his arse.
03:02No.
03:02Mm-mm.
03:03Is it Indians?
03:04No.
03:05It kind of looks like they split the difference.
03:09Oh, that's it.
03:12They can raid our villages.
03:14They can burn our crops.
03:16They can steal our cattle.
03:20I refuse to live in a world where good men are shot in the anus.
03:26S-s-s-s-s.
03:29What?
03:30Anus-s-s-s.
03:31What is that?
03:31That's not a...
03:32It's a-night.
03:33You put too many s's on it.
03:34Anus-s-s-s-s.
03:35No, no, no.
03:36But he did s-s.
03:37I know, but shot in the anus.
03:38The bigger the anus, the bigger the more s's.
03:49What?
03:58I've had Trip F porter-
03:58Travel well, friend...
04:00I swear as long as I have blood in my veins and the strength to grip steel you will not
04:05have died in vain.
04:07Master, he's alive. Put some pressure on the wound.
04:11Um, I... Medic! Is there a medic here?
04:14I think there would be a medic.
04:19Annika, I came as soon as I heard.
04:26Good, as long as you've...
04:28Hey, is it just me or was she hobbling?
04:31Hold on.
04:32She's not hobbling. She's grief-stricken.
04:34Okay.
04:36Why would she be hobbling?
04:38That's what I'm asking you.
04:41Rafe is voluminous.
04:43She was riding a horse.
04:45More like a stallion.
04:47Helpful.
04:48I was born in that hut.
04:51I mastered my weapons in this arena.
04:55I had my first three-way beneath that elm.
04:57Ooh. I had mine beneath Eduardo.
05:01Who would do something like this?
05:03Dongolor.
05:05This raid is simply evidence
05:07of his remorseless attempt
05:09to acquire the Eye of Gulgar Grimna.
05:13I was just thinking the same damn thing.
05:15That's weird. We got like a warlock mind meld going on.
05:21The Eye of what?
05:24The Eye of Gulgar Grimna
05:26The Eye of Gulgar Grimna
05:27was the most powerful weapon of ancient times.
05:33Oh!
05:35Ouchie-dooda! Ouchie-dooda!
05:37Wasto!
05:38You don't question a warlock about his magic.
05:41He takes the beauty out of it.
05:42It's lovely.
05:43Go ahead, man. It's all yours.
05:45I'm sorry.
05:45A seven-ton ball of granite criss-crossed with sluices designed...
05:51Oh!
05:52No, it, uh, it started to wobble.
05:55I should've used my eye energy instead of my hand.
05:58But I know that for the next time,
06:00when we do this and the ball comes out.
06:07Once activated,
06:09it could generate enough cosmic energy
06:12to annihilate entire cities,
06:16countries, even civilizations.
06:18But I thought the Eye was destroyed centuries ago.
06:21Correct!
06:21Under the truce of the ancients,
06:24it was decreed that it should be dismantled.
06:27Great!
06:28So what are we worried about?
06:30Ah.
06:31Okay, what?
06:32Crod, did you happen to read the intelligence reports
06:35in the Elite Resistance Council welcome pack?
06:37You know, it was my weekend read,
06:40and, uh, things got crazy, so I, um...
06:44Understandable, Grimshack.
06:45The Eye was buried deep in the Earth.
06:49The focal stone thrust into a volcano
06:53on the Illuvian Plain.
06:55Aye-yi-yi!
06:56And magical protections were placed
06:59on its liquid fuel source.
07:01Uh-oh, liquid.
07:03First.
07:03Seriously?
07:04Unfortunately for mankind,
07:06Dongalore has acquired not only the Eye,
07:09but also the focal stone.
07:11Friends,
07:11the gravity of this moment is incouncilable.
07:17Ah!
07:17Sorry about that!
07:18Oh, come on!
07:19Oh, no!
07:20Oh, my mouth was open!
07:22Get a bit of that!
07:23Get a bit of that!
07:23This is not happening.
07:24Rot, it's quite all right.
07:25In fact, the blame lies with me.
07:26I fed your earthy companion cabbages at lunch, so...
07:29Why don't you just give them gunpowder, Rafe?
07:31If I may be allowed to continue.
07:33Please.
07:34Please continue.
07:36All Dongalore needs now is the fuel.
07:39A liquid so rare it has not been seen in ten generations.
07:44The tears of a full-blooded, thenic pagan woman.
07:48Then we're safe.
07:50Pagan women don't cry.
07:51True.
07:52Your stoic nature is our last line of defense against Dongalore.
07:58But your stoic nature may not be enough.
08:01Dongalore will stop at nothing to acquire the tears.
08:06Harder!
08:09Longer!
08:11Faster!
08:14So, nothing can make your precious pagan tears fall, eh?
08:19Ha!
08:20We'll see about that.
08:22They say you never lose your feel for the blade.
08:27Well, let's find out, shall we?
08:29Eh?
08:30Eh?
08:42Ah!
08:43Damn it!
08:44This is a waste of time!
08:47And onions.
08:49Come on, Barnabas.
08:51Annika, you are one of the few pure-blooded pagan women remaining alive.
08:56Sooner or later, Dongalore will come for you.
08:59Rafe, I suggest that you spirit her away for safety.
09:03Well, or-or if you're busy, I-I could spirit her-
09:06No man will spirit me anywhere.
09:08I suggest your villa, Le Comado.
09:11You have a villa?
09:12He's got a villa crown.
09:13It's a shack.
09:14Really?
09:15It's-it's somewhere I breed my horses.
09:18And paint.
09:19You paint?
09:20He paints, God.
09:22Probably pays in a noon on a horse.
09:24A big horse.
09:25We should ride immediately, yeah?
09:26Yeah, and, uh, we'll ride escort immediately.
09:28No, Crod.
09:29I'm afraid I have another mission for you and the dream team here.
09:33What's that?
09:34What do you mean?
09:34What's that?
09:35We're like the dream of the team.
09:36Good luck.
09:37Farewell, my friend.
09:38Okay.
09:39Alright.
09:40Farewell.
09:40Hey, hey.
09:41If you want, I can put a curse on his downstairs here.
09:44I'm-I'm only saying that because I got a feeling that's gonna be a busy place.
09:48Do it.
09:49I can't.
09:50I-I didn't think he was gonna say yes.
09:51Crod.
09:52Make haste to the Hessemeal Mountains.
09:54I'm sorry?
09:55What?
09:55Did he say Hessemeal?
09:56Mm-hmm.
09:57No.
09:57No.
09:58No way.
09:58We're not gonna do that.
09:59Because to get there, you gotta travel through the forest a certain day.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Not gonna do that.
10:03Well, fear not.
10:05That name was just given by the local farmers who found they couldn't grow a certain type
10:08of herb there.
10:10Still, people have died there.
10:12I'm not talking about regular deaths.
10:13I'm talking about horrible, nasty deaths.
10:16I'm not disputing that.
10:18I was just trying to clear up a common misconception.
10:20It's not an argument.
10:21Now, on the north slope of the Hessemeal Mountain, you will come to the Doomsday Beacon.
10:27Doomsday?
10:27A solitary tower atop of which is a mahogany pyre.
10:32Spell mahogany for me?
10:36This is the key to the stairway door.
10:39Thanks, yeah.
10:39You climb the stairs and light the pyre at exactly noon tomorrow.
10:45Got it.
10:45The smoke from the beacon will alert resistance leaders everywhere and inform them that Dongledore
10:51is about to activate a weapon of mass destruction.
10:54An early warning system.
10:55That's brilliant.
10:56No, Crot.
10:57Elementary.
10:58Fundamental to our survival.
11:00I was actually just trying to pay you a compliment.
11:02Try paying attention.
11:04Ooh.
11:04That's a key.
11:05Oh, in your face.
11:07Got you.
11:08Now, can I trust you with that key?
11:10You know, I'm not a child.
11:12Where is your sword?
11:14You left it on the potty.
11:16Right.
11:16Come on, Crotty.
11:17No, but you know, it's very difficult to go with a sword.
11:20And the fate of the resistance rests in your hands.
11:24I weep at the prospect.
11:26Just give me the damn key.
11:27You have the damn key!
11:29Put it in your bag.
11:30Right, okay, yeah.
11:30I didn't see it.
11:31You put it in your bag.
11:32I got it, I got it.
11:33Was it on the potty?
11:33I got it, in my bag.
11:43Ahhhh!
11:44Zez!
11:45What's up, Crot?
11:46Can I have a what?
11:47Yeah.
11:50Zez, we're in a magical realm here, okay?
11:52Yeah, no.
11:52As my warlock you got to set the tone.
11:55Yeah.
11:55No more screaming.
11:56Screaming?
11:57What?
11:57Oh, you refer to my war crap.
11:59Ahhhh!
12:00Yes, it's okay. It's okay. Okay. Listen to me. Truth be told we're dealing with powers here that may be
12:06greater than my own. All right
12:08Does everybody smell that?
12:14In my defense there was a daily tarantula on my shoulders and y'all know me and spiders ain't never
12:19been right
12:20Okay, it was a ladybug and it's still there. We didn't get it off if it was on me. Knock
12:24it off. It's okay
12:24It's faster quick. You better come and see this wait. We go as a group cried
12:30Oh
12:32All right, that about does it for me. So long everybody it's been fun
12:42Okay, now circle up circle up
12:46Bruce you're touching okay, so you want more of it or less of it?
12:52Come no closer wenches, I swear I'll draw my blade whip it out
12:56Declare yourselves. Please help. They tried to kill us
13:00Who? Banshees. They set upon us and killed the men in our party. It was horrible
13:08What damn banshees?
13:10That's it lean on my chest take comfort in my strength
13:14Excuse me boys time out
13:16Cross it leave. They will touch you
13:19Hey, yes, yes, don't you move
13:23Hey, what's a banshee? I don't know. I don't like where this is going. Yeah, because it's gonna end up
13:28with sex between men and women
13:29Look at that corpse. He's a big guy and those girls got away. It doesn't add up
13:34Bruce what is your problem? Okay, these poor insanely hot beautiful women need our help. What's your compassion at?
13:40Where's your common sense? Bruce is right. No, no, Bruce is gay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, let's just be
13:45The warrior, the warlock and the grobber will make worthy vessels, but the fae one seems suspicious
13:50I think I know something that'll remove his doubts. Hey, let's just be careful
13:57Todd you escaped
13:58Ben
14:00I think I just found my compassion
14:10?
14:13?
14:15?
14:15?
14:16?
14:18?
14:20?
14:25?
14:57Come on.
15:27Come on.
15:31That was spectacular.
15:39This is all so foreign to me.
15:42I mean, I have never been one who grows easily attached to anyone or anything, but I don't know.
15:49I just...
15:50I feel so comfortable being here.
15:55With you.
15:57Rafe.
16:02Rafe.
16:03What?
16:05I'm sorry.
16:05Were you saying something?
16:06Oh, it's not important.
16:08Maybe we should get some rest.
16:09Oh, no, no, no.
16:11I'm utterly exhausted.
16:12And to be brutally honest, like all men, I tend to get my best rest alone.
16:16So if you will be a dear and shimmy on down the hall, my servants will show you to the
16:20paramour's quarters.
16:21Paramour's quarters?
16:22Yes.
16:23Airy.
16:24Lakeview.
16:25Full bidet facilities.
16:26But...
16:27But I don't understand.
16:29Am I nothing more to you than a parable?
16:32A common mistress?
16:34Yes.
16:35Had you assumed otherwise?
16:40Oh.
16:41You had.
16:43Forgive me, Annika.
16:44I've been a cad, which I can assure you was not my intention.
16:47I simply assumed we shared a mutual interest and carnal pleasure.
16:51Past experiences always led me to believe that it was the pagan way.
16:58I'm so terribly sorry, Luke.
17:00Please, take my kerchief.
17:02No, thank you.
17:03Pagan women don't cry.
17:06Remember?
17:10All right, guys, listen up, all right?
17:12This is not a drill.
17:13It is on tonight, fellas.
17:15We are bumping bellies, do you hear me?
17:16I don't know if I'll be bumping a belly, but let's all be responsible.
17:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:21Does everyone have protection?
17:22Right now, I'm kind of purifying my warlike essence with abstinence, so I'm not really packing any sheepskin at the
17:26moment.
17:26It's all right, I'm packing extra.
17:28My man.
17:29All right.
17:32It's just the one.
17:33What am I supposed to sleep in there, Quasto?
17:35Mm-hmm.
17:35So that's why they say once you go grobo, you always hobble.
17:38All right.
17:40Well, just put it up for now.
17:41Don't let them see that, because they're going to expect us all to have the same type of equipment.
17:45How my eyebrows look bruised.
17:46Like mine.
17:48Okay.
17:49Yeah.
17:49Yeah.
17:52Papa said we can't afford to keep you anymore, because he can barely pay for Mumma's coffin as it is.
17:59And with sister sick and dying, he's going to have to pay for another box real soon.
18:05Come on.
18:06Come on, boy.
18:07Get out of here.
18:11I said get.
18:14I don't want you anyway.
18:16You all bag of bones.
18:18Go on.
18:18Go on.
18:24Go on.
18:25Go on, boy.
18:25Do you not understand the emotional underpinnings of the scene?
18:30This boy loves his dog.
18:32His father is forcing him into this.
18:34Go on.
18:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
18:39Ha ha ha ha.
18:41Father must have the boy's father killed.
18:44Sir?
18:45He's just an actor.
18:46You wrote the scene for him.
18:47Still, that pain must come from somewhere.
18:51Oh, toss the boy off a bridge.
18:52Stick a pole in the dug, we'll use it as a mop.
18:58I've met warlocks before, but never one so brave and powerful.
19:02Yeah, I'm real strong.
19:04You know, it's real easy to get pit and hold in my line of work.
19:07That's why I try to blur that line between warrior and warlock.
19:09I'm really more of a hyphenate if you ask me.
19:12Oh, forgive my boldness, but may I kiss you?
19:15I'm sorry.
19:17You must think I'm a harlot.
19:18What? I think you're a...
19:19Girl, you better stop it.
19:26Kiss away.
19:29Lest I glimpse judgment in your eyes.
19:37Mm-mm.
19:38Mm!
19:49You're going to be a lively little devil, aren't you?
19:53I have met women before who are global curious.
19:58It's just nice to meet somebody who actually, well, wants to be with me.
20:06May I kiss you?
20:09Mind my wisdom, Tusk.
20:12It's obsessed.
20:20We'll call him Todd Jr.
20:28Anyway, I know you'd have just loved my dad.
20:30I mean, he had a gruff exterior, but inside he was just a big marshmallow.
20:36Your family sounds wonderful.
20:38Mm-hmm.
20:39What about you?
20:40Are you family-oriented?
20:42Actually, yes.
20:43I hope to have one of my own someday.
20:46Oh.
20:47Soon.
20:50May I kiss you, grud?
20:53Uh, yeah, sure.
21:02Wait, I...
21:04I don't know, it's just...
21:05Something just doesn't feel right.
21:07I was only asking for a kiss.
21:09No, I know, but...
21:11Well, to be perfectly honest,
21:13I'm just not a hoover anika.
21:15I can't do it to you, Mara.
21:16It wouldn't be fair.
21:17I'm not looking for fair.
21:18Kiss me.
21:19Well, hey, no means no.
21:21You will host my child.
21:22Your child?
21:23Hey, I have no problem with single mothers.
21:26I just wish you'd been honest with me
21:28instead of trying to trick me into a relationship.
21:30And when he hatches,
21:32your carcass will be his cradle.
21:34Kiss me.
21:35Hatches?
21:36Carcass?
21:37Guys?
21:39Careful, boys.
21:40I think we're dealing with succubuses.
21:42So there's succubuses.
21:45Succubi!
21:45Guys!
21:46Guys!
21:47Guys!
21:47What the hell's going on?
21:50So strong.
21:51You'll make a worthy hope, sir.
22:19I got your thanks right here.
22:21Look, stop. I'm not one of them.
22:22Yeah, sure you're not. You just tried to tongue-rate my face.
22:25Because I was under their spell.
22:26I was kidnapped.
22:27They were using me to make devil spawn.
22:31By killing them, you freed me.
22:33Yeah, I'm not buying it.
22:35Then do it.
22:37Kill me.
22:40For what it's worth, Cod,
22:42Annika was a fool to let you go.
22:44I know, right?
22:46It's just she's so damn hard-headed.
22:51Go to hell!
22:53Harsh.
22:54What? It's where she's from.
22:56Okay, guys, we gotta go. The beacon. Come on.
22:58Faster. We are back at it.
23:01Why do we do this tomorrow, right?
23:02No, we can't. It's almost new.
23:04Cod, a bit of sensitivity.
23:06I just miscarried.
23:07Cod, you won't even get there on time.
23:09Do you even have a key?
23:10Yeah. No, no.
23:12Aw, God! I'm such an idiot.
23:14This is not my fault. I was battling demons.
23:16We're out here having babies and you can't keep a key.
23:18Wait. Guys, guys, come with me.
23:33Come on.
23:40I did it!
23:41There's your beacon link, Grimshank.
23:43What else you got?
23:44Yeah!
23:45Come on!
23:46We got it!
23:47Come on!
23:55What'd you do?
23:57That doesn't seem right, does it?
24:13Come on!
24:20Annika, forgive the intrusion, but I have terrible news.
24:24Krodd and his men were ambushed by Dongalore's guards at the Doomsday Beacon.
24:30There were no survivors.
24:35Krodd is dead.
24:39I'm sorry.
24:43And I know you loved him dearly.
24:49I will leave you to your grieving.
25:11Harder.
25:13Longer.
25:14I'll stop.
25:17Forgive the intrusion, sir.
25:20Yes, I'm just getting inside their heads to learn what might make their precious tears fall.
25:27Yes, well, I come with rather good news in that regard, sir.
25:32Krodd Mandun is dead.
25:35The tears have been procured.
25:37Joy!
25:38This calls for a celebration.
25:41Shall I inform the wine steward and slaughter a fatted calf?
25:44No, you shall leave now and tell no one of the goings-on here.
25:47Yes, cool.
25:48Ladies, back to position one.
25:52Harder.
25:53Longer.
25:54Oh, yes.
25:58Dongalore's offering general amnesty.
26:00You're a dead man.
26:02Mission accomplished.
26:03Boom, boom, a beacon leaves man doomed dead?
26:06That mission was a secret.
26:07The only person who knew we were there was...
26:09You can't just go after that man head on.
26:11That's crazy.
26:12I'm gonna let Longshaft know his villa's got a rat problem.
26:15I'm so sorry to put pressure on you, sir, but we simply must transfer the eye to the firing position
26:20immediately.
26:21Say hello to the eye of Gal-Ga-Grim.
26:33Showtime!
26:39You can see the next from Krodman Doon next week on BBC HD.
26:43A change of day, though, to Monday at 10.
26:46Next tonight, Mitchell and Webb are on the loose.
26:49The end.
26:51I'm so sorry to interrupt.
26:55Hold on.
26:58Hold on.
26:59Oh, no, no.
27:02Hold on.
27:03Hold on.
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