- 1 day ago
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02:14Yes, thank you.
02:16Sorry.
02:17Do you know, Jo, sometimes I think you're a bit daft.
02:19Do you know, you nearly severed my G-string.
02:22And as a matter of fact, I don't think the liquidity of the Eurodollar will be infected by the inflation
02:28of commodity prices.
02:31What's that got to do with a dart in my guitar?
02:33Oh, she's just proving she isn't a lesbian.
02:37Here, are we going to the pub?
02:40Yeah, after this game.
02:41Now, I need 47, so if I go for double top...
02:44Now, hang on a minute.
02:45Hang on a minute.
02:45If you're going to throw darts, you might as well do it properly, right?
02:47Now, for a start, you face that way when you throw.
02:51But the dart board's over there.
02:52Yes, yes, I know.
02:53But, see, then you sort of swivel on your hips.
02:56See, like that.
02:57That's very good, yeah.
02:59Nice easy action of the arm, you see?
03:01Yes.
03:01And then you just follow the eye line of...
03:03That's a nice perfume you're wearing.
03:05Yeah, well, don't sniff it all in.
03:06It's expensive.
03:07Yeah.
03:08And just follow the eye line of...
03:10What's it called?
03:11Let's get on with the game.
03:12That's a funny name for a perfume.
03:15Come on, Mildred.
03:16You going to play or not?
03:18You can be leader of the escape committee.
03:20Oh, I haven't got time, George.
03:22Play with yourself.
03:26It's not as much fun playing with yourself.
03:29Well, you were doing it last night.
03:33Yeah, I know.
03:34But I lost.
03:36You won as well.
03:37Yeah, well, only half of me.
03:39Hey, I'll tell you what.
03:40You can be the brutal SS camp commandant.
03:43Oh, oh, oh, thrilled.
03:50Morning, Mrs Roper.
03:52Blimey, it's slashing it down out there.
03:54I reckon the angels must have been on the beer last night.
04:00George, it's your crude friend.
04:02Oh, yeah.
04:03Oh, come in, Gerry.
04:04Do you fancy a quick game?
04:06Mildred's going to be the SS prison guard.
04:10Tell you the truth, George.
04:11I don't go in for that sort of thing, you know.
04:15It's a board game.
04:16You know, you all sit round and get bored.
04:20Sorry.
04:24Here, is this what you ask me round here for?
04:27Oh, no, no.
04:28It's a little job upstairs might need doing.
04:30Oh.
04:31Ah, now that's pretty.
04:32See, you're getting much nearer the target.
04:34Yeah, so are you.
04:34Move your hand.
04:36Are we going down to the pub because I have to meet my boyfriend?
04:39Now, before we go, look, I'll show you the proper way to throw a dart, right?
04:42Now, stand back a bit.
04:42Now, first of all, you see, the most important thing is the feet, right?
04:47Now, you must be lightly balanced on the balls of your feet, you see?
04:50Now, I'm not balanced on my heels.
04:52I'm balanced on my...
04:55I'm lightly balanced.
04:58The important thing is always to keep your wrist loose, see?
05:02That fellow down at the hairdressers would make a fantastic darts player.
05:05Yeah, now that was my point, because if he's good at it, how can you say it's not feminine?
05:09One second.
05:11Oi, oi, are you listening?
05:14Now, the important thing now is the throw, right into double top.
05:22And finally, the excuse, there were no feathers in the dart.
05:26Is it still raining? Let's go down the pub.
05:31Hello, Mr Roper.
05:32Oh, er, hello, Mr Roper.
05:36Er, right, yes, hello, come in.
05:39Oh, er, oh, thank you.
05:41Er, I think you, er, know, Gerry.
05:43Oh, yes, you're the odd job man.
05:45Well, not exactly, no.
05:47Building contractor, central heating consultant, specialist in maintenance design and construction.
05:53Oh.
05:53He's come to do a couple of odd jobs.
05:56Right, well, help yourself.
05:58Yeah, we're off to the pub.
05:59Yeah, bye.
05:59Yeah, bye.
06:03Oh, young people these days, eh?
06:05All that booze on the sideboard floor.
06:08Oh, hey, hey, yeah.
06:10Hey, well, they did say help yourself, didn't they?
06:11Oh, no, no, George, no, no, no.
06:13Stop.
06:14Don't, no, no, don't, don't stop.
06:16Don't stop.
06:19There you are.
06:20Do you want anything in it?
06:21Yeah, a bit more.
06:26Oh, young people, they don't know they're born, do they?
06:29They didn't have to grow up without the benefit of bananas.
06:34I didn't even see a banana until I was 12.
06:37Shocking.
06:37I tried to eat it with a skin on it, see.
06:40It shot out the other end and the cat got it.
06:45You didn't have any kids, did you, George?
06:47No, no.
06:47Well, we decided we didn't want them.
06:50After we'd never had any, I mean.
06:52That's very wise, yeah, yeah.
06:54We just had the one girl.
06:55Well, it didn't seem practical to have any more,
06:57once the missus ran off.
06:59No.
07:01So you brought her up yourself, then?
07:02Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:03Fair man, that's what's needed.
07:05Right round the year old.
07:07Yeah, what are these little jobs you want doing then?
07:09Ah, well, there's just one, actually.
07:12I noticed it the other day.
07:14What do you reckon that is?
07:17Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
07:19What have you got there, George?
07:20Woodworm.
07:22I thought it was.
07:24Yeah, nasty.
07:25Pretty widespread, too.
07:27Seem to attack the lino.
07:30It's definitely woodworm.
07:35I thought the forecast said it was going to go on, Rayling.
07:37It is.
07:38Yeah, I know, but no one ever believed the forecast.
07:40Honestly, you can't rely on anything these days.
07:41Hi, Colin.
07:42Robin.
07:43Chrissie.
07:43Hello, hello, hello.
07:44Let me get you a drink.
07:45No, it's all right, I'll get him.
07:47Colin's a policeman.
07:48Oh, I should have guessed.
07:49How?
07:50You said hello, hello, hello.
07:52Hey, Jock.
07:53Jock.
07:54Jock.
07:55Jock.
07:55Three halves of it, please, Jock.
07:56My name is Percival.
07:58Yes, I know, but I mean, everyone calls Scotsman's Jock.
08:01Not if, like me, the surname happens to be Strap.
08:09He gets very touchy about that, you know.
08:11Are you on your own?
08:12Er, no, no, I'm not.
08:13I'm, er...
08:15This is Vera.
08:16Er, Robin.
08:18Hello.
08:19Any friends of Larry's, etc?
08:25Yeah, all right.
08:26I know, I know.
08:27Larry, where do you find them?
08:29She works in the builder's yard.
08:31I went down there yesterday for a set of doorknobs and come out with her.
08:34Yeah.
08:36Mind you, I reckon she'd do her to her.
08:40How did you come to meet a policeman?
08:42Oh, he came up to tell me I was on a double yellow line.
08:45But you haven't got a car.
08:46No, I know, but I would have been in trouble if I had.
08:48Oh, so he picked you up.
08:50Only to assist me with a car.
08:51With my inquiries.
08:52What inquiries?
08:53What she was doing Saturday night, that sort of thing.
08:55Right.
08:56There we are.
08:57Oh, sorry, what do you have?
08:58Er, no, no, not for me.
08:59We ought to be leaving soon.
09:00Oh, right.
09:01Hey, listen, hey.
09:01You see that fruit machine?
09:03You can fiddle it with a washer.
09:05Really?
09:05Yeah.
09:06Honestly, I've won so many jackpots on this machine that...
09:11What?
09:12Nothing.
09:13As I was saying, I've won so many jackpots.
09:21Oh, really?
09:25We've got them like that in the police canteen.
09:27Oh, really?
09:27They've got them everywhere.
09:29I don't know...
09:34Evening all.
09:36A pilot's a policeman.
09:37Oh, really?
09:39We usually fiddle ours with a cardboard Smartie lid.
09:42Oh.
09:42Hey, fantastic, we must try that.
09:45Er, no, it's a policeman.
09:46No, no, we mustn't. No, no.
09:48Shall we go before Bonnie and Clyde say anything else?
09:51Yeah. Bye. See you later.
09:52See you later. Cheerio. Cheerio. Bye.
09:55Well, where are they off to?
09:57Oh, he's taken her to a police dog exhibition.
09:59Waste of time. She won't win anything.
10:02Yeah, well, you can't always see woodworm, you see.
10:04I mean, to look at, that's a perfectly healthy floorboard.
10:07Oh.
10:08No, that's a bad sign.
10:09Crafty little beggars are making all their holes underneath.
10:12Well, what does that mean?
10:14Well, it means that if they get to the joists, crash.
10:18All their furniture in your living room.
10:20Well, they'll have to spray all the woodwork then.
10:21That's right. Have you got any ginger ale?
10:23Well, not enough for the old flat.
10:30Silly nerd.
10:34Now, a wood preserver, that's what's needed.
10:36I'll tell you what, I can lay my hands on a few tins cheap.
10:39Are they, er, nicked?
10:41Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:42Dented, you know, they fell off the back of my lawn.
10:44Well, I'll give a proper estimate, you see.
10:46Now, 12 tins at 90p a tin, well, less 10% discount, plus 8% VAT, that's 480, plus labour.
10:59Labour, that's, erm, labour is 75 times 6 over 9 tenths.
11:08And, er, take away the inside leg measurement.
11:10That'll be, er, 40 quid.
11:14Does that include redecorating?
11:16Not the bottom price.
11:17Yeah, well, 40.
11:19Well, I think I'd better go and ask Mildred what my decision is.
11:23I won't be a tick.
11:27You'll always be a tick, George.
11:52Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:54Yeah.
11:56Whiz, does he think we're made of money?
11:58I don't know, George.
12:00This is the first I've ever heard of woodworm in this house.
12:03Well, there you are, Mrs Hart.
12:04You're reputable proof.
12:06Well, there might be a few, but not 40 quid's worth.
12:09Well, I'll tell you what, I'll cut my throat and come down to 35.
12:12Act your head off, come down to 30.
12:16Done.
12:16OK, good.
12:17Hey, when can you start?
12:18Oh, I don't know, George.
12:19I mean, I'm pretty busy at the moment, what, with one thing and the other.
12:22Up to me eyes, innit?
12:24This afternoon be all right, will you?
12:29Oh, Tar, thanks very much, Larry.
12:31Of course, I really wanted to be an air hostess.
12:34Or one of Pan's people.
12:36But meanwhile, I'm working at the builder's yard.
12:39Yeah, well, you have to compromise a bit, don't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Still, you never know, I might meet interesting people.
12:44Yeah, Gary Glitter might come in for a brick.
12:49Hello, dears.
12:50Oh, is room for two more?
12:52Oh, that's lovely, thank you, dear.
12:55I'm afraid I've got a bit of bad news for you.
12:57Oh, yeah.
12:58Hey, you're riddled with woodworms, son.
13:01Really, I didn't think it showed.
13:03No, no, no, I mean a flat.
13:05It's going to have to be sprayed with wood preserver, the whole place.
13:07Oh, God, the smell, it'll be horrible.
13:09When's it being done?
13:10It's afternoon, love.
13:11I'm sorry, we couldn't get him any other time.
13:13Yeah, that's dodgy stuff, that, you know, not just the smell of fumes.
13:16Could be dangerous.
13:17Yeah, but we will be able to sleep in there, won't we, tonight, haven't we?
13:20Oh, if you breathe out, yeah, but don't breathe in.
13:22No, no, no, because you don't panic.
13:24I mean, we can all toss down with Larry, can't we, mate?
13:26Well, no, not really.
13:29Oh, yeah.
13:31Are you sure?
13:34Because how about if we all just...
13:36Look, why don't you all spend the night with us?
13:39We've only got one double bit.
13:40Oh, we can squeeze them all in somehow?
13:45Oh, quite fun, won't it?
13:47Oh, we can squeeze them all in, isn't it?
13:49Oh, we can squeeze them all in, isn't it?
13:50Oh, we can squeeze them all in, isn't it?
14:06Steady as you go, Tom.
14:07Put that stuff over there by the wall.
14:10There we are.
14:11Oh, time for a little break, I reckon.
14:14Oh, right then.
14:15Not you, me.
14:17You clear out that room.
14:20How long before we can move in again?
14:22Uh, 24 hours.
14:23As soon as Tom and me leave,
14:25the smell should start to clear.
14:29Here, have a sniff of that.
14:31Of course.
14:31That's the finest wood preserver in the world,
14:33made in Israel.
14:34Uh, just one thing.
14:35Suppose our woodworm aren't Jewish?
14:38What's the difference?
14:39Well, not very much.
14:40I mean, I need a microscope to point it out.
14:43This will soon get rid of them, don't you, worry?
14:45I mean, look at the guarantee.
14:46Matzah, shalom, shutzpah, bar mitzvah, bagel, kosher, oi vey.
14:51I can't say fairer than that, can you?
14:53That's not.
14:54Well, best of luck anyway.
14:55All right, all right.
14:58Yeah, over there with that.
15:00Just have a quick one before we start.
15:11Oh, by the way.
15:12Yeah?
15:13Um, if Joe pops up, would you mind telling him we're downstairs?
15:16Yeah, right, right, yeah.
15:18Thanks a lot.
15:19No trouble, no.
15:24All right, get spraying.
15:25All the wood, doors, floors, everything that's wood.
15:28You can dip your head in it if you like.
15:32Don't see why they can't sleep upstairs.
15:34A few poisonous fumes never harmed anyone.
15:37Oh, George, they are coming down here.
15:39We could lend them our old gas mask,
15:40or they could sleep with their heads out the window.
15:43Oh, shut up.
15:46Oh, hello, dears.
15:48Come in.
15:49You're very, very welcome.
15:51There we are.
15:52Now, this is very, very kind of you.
15:54Oh, nonsense.
15:55It'll be a pleasure having you.
15:59What actually are the sleeping arrangements?
16:01Oh, well, you'll be in my bed here.
16:02I mean, with George, of course.
16:04I'm going to put my head down on this settee,
16:06and as for you and Joe, dear,
16:07I thought, well, we'd move the budget.
16:09Oh, great.
16:10I'll have a seat tray, Joe can have a perch.
16:13No, we'll just make room for a couple of camp beds,
16:15and you see, there we all are, settled.
16:17Yeah, hang on a minute.
16:19If you and me are going to be in the same...
16:23You haven't got any bad habits, have you?
16:26Well, no, I mean,
16:28I do occasionally have these kung fu dreams, you know.
16:32I'll just dig out the camp beds, then.
16:33You two, you make yourselves comfortable, right?
16:35Hey, hang on, Mildred.
16:37Hey, just a minute.
16:39I'm not so sure I like the idea of him and me
16:41being the same...
16:42Well, you know, for all I know,
16:44he might be a bit, um, you know.
16:46Oh, even if he was, which he isn't,
16:49who fancy you?
16:51I mean, it takes me all me time, let alone him.
16:54Yeah, but I never...
16:56Oh, it's still raining.
16:58Looks like we're going to have to spend
16:59the afternoon here as well.
17:01Do you know, I'm not mad about these sleeping arrangements.
17:03No, I mean, if it was you and me sharing a camp bed...
17:06Go on.
17:07Well, I hadn't thought much more than that.
17:09Yes, you had.
17:10You stay in there with Roper.
17:11Oh, yeah, and that's another thing.
17:12I mean, supposedly he sort of
17:14half-wakes up in the middle of the night,
17:15you know, and sort of takes me for Mrs Roper.
17:18So?
17:19Well, I mean, he might, um, you know.
17:23That would be tough luck.
17:24Yeah.
17:25The one night in the year is in the mood
17:26and it's you.
17:30Listen, you never know.
17:32True.
17:33Hey, if he does,
17:34I shouldn't mention it to Mrs Roper.
17:35I wish he'd never forgive you.
17:37Here we are, dears.
17:38All ready for tonight.
17:40Oh!
17:41Oh, it's just like the wartime spirit, isn't it?
17:44Yeah, now, there's a thought.
17:45Couldn't they sleep down the tube station?
17:47George!
17:48They are sleeping here.
17:50Anyway, you can make a nice change for me.
17:52Not having your icy feet stuck in the small of my back.
17:54He's got icy feet.
17:56Oh, I haven't.
17:57It's just that you've got an unnatural hot back.
17:59I'm sleeping next to a blast furnace.
18:01Oh, George, stop moaning.
18:03Entertain our guests.
18:05Go on.
18:05Eh?
18:05Go on.
18:07Yeah.
18:10Oh.
18:18Yeah, I...
18:22Have you had your summer holidays yet?
18:25No.
18:25This year, I thought I'd wait till winter was over.
18:29Well, yeah, I'll tell you what.
18:30We can play this game.
18:31Oh, God.
18:32Yeah.
18:32Now, you see, each prisoner of war has to escape in an anti-clockwise direction.
18:37You start by being trapped with no way out.
18:39I know the feeling.
18:43God blimey, what a niff.
18:46Yeah, I'm the one doing the spraying.
18:49I should have one of them.
18:50Well, we've only got one, haven't we?
18:51Don't be selfish.
18:53You know what?
18:54I'll finish the bedroom.
18:55Well, start the cars here now.
18:57And don't forget the seat.
18:59It's a modern one.
19:00It's plastic.
19:01There might be modern woodworm, mightn't there?
19:04I'll do that and then do this lot here, including the guitar.
19:08We might as well give them the money's worth.
19:10Right, then.
19:21Three.
19:22One, two, three.
19:23Yeah.
19:23I reached a barbed wire perimeter.
19:25Nothing can stop me now.
19:26I've got a machine gun card I can shoot you.
19:28I've got a foggy night card so you can't see me.
19:29I've got a searchlight card so I can.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Well, um, yeah.
19:35What a pity they don't have a babbling for mercy card, darling.
19:37You'd use it.
19:39Yeah, well, um, hey, how would it be if I betrayed my comrades?
19:43You've already done that twice.
19:45You ain't got any left.
19:47I can't do that.
19:50Ah, you've acquired a disguise as a young German girl.
19:53Avance two squares.
19:54Ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:56One, two.
19:56Oh.
19:57Ha, ha.
19:58Right in the middle of the SS barrack room.
20:00Ha, ha, ha.
20:01Come and see here, mein kleiner Dumpling.
20:02We'll have a good time, yeah?
20:08Oh, I didn't think we'd love films like that.
20:11Especially in the afternoon.
20:12I mean, all those nude women.
20:14Yeah.
20:15And I always thought vampires were supposed to go for the throat.
20:18Yeah, well, something, something.
20:20You, uh, you fancy a quick, uh, drink?
20:23I shouldn't really.
20:32Oh, come on, Tom.
20:33We'll be here all night.
20:34Well, why don't you have a turn?
20:36You've done his watch.
20:37But I'm supervising.
20:39I mean, if I did it and you watched, you'd be supervising, wouldn't you?
20:42And you're not experienced enough.
20:46Evening.
20:47Evening.
20:48Oh.
20:49Uh, I live upstairs.
20:52I've just come down to borrow some, what, to, uh, to get my bottle of scotch back.
20:55Uh, scotch, yeah.
20:56Yeah, and, uh, and some records, yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:01There's not much left.
21:02No, well, someone left the top off.
21:05It evaporates, doesn't it, Tom?
21:07Oh, yeah, it evaporates.
21:09Especially with Jerry around.
21:11That's what I've seen.
21:12Uh, now, records.
21:14Something smooth and sexy.
21:16Hello, hello.
21:17You've got a bit of fluff lined up, have you?
21:18Yeah, she's, uh, she's right on a boil, you know?
21:21I mean, I play me cards right.
21:22Yeah, get in there.
21:23You're only young once, aren't you?
21:25When I was young, you know.
21:26How much longer are you?
21:30Oh.
21:31Vera?
21:33Hello, Dad.
21:36Oh, boy.
21:38Yes.
21:39Well, it was ever so nice.
21:41I think I'd better be going home now.
21:44Yeah.
21:48Eleven, twelve, yep.
21:51Opportunity.
21:53Oh, I shall now parachute safely into neutral territory.
21:56You can't parachute from an escape tunnel.
21:58Oh, yes, I can.
22:00Oh, no, you can't.
22:01You can't throw thirteen with two dice.
22:04Oh, yeah, sorry.
22:07Go back twelve squares.
22:09Oh, good, Struff.
22:10Oh, never mind, double six, throw again.
22:12What?
22:12Oh, yeah.
22:15Two, one, two.
22:18You have been shot in both legs, Miss Three Toes.
22:22Bloody stupid game.
22:25Look at that dirty little toe rag.
22:27Sniffing around my Vera like that.
22:29Oh, I'd have swiped him one of you hadn't held me back.
22:31Oh, I didn't hold you back.
22:32No, no, no, but you wouldn't have done it if I'd gone to swipe him,
22:35so there wasn't any point where there was a...
22:37But if he comes here again, I doubt if I can contain myself.
22:43What's happening?
22:44Who are you?
22:45Tom and Jerry.
22:47Oh.
22:49Don't look like them.
22:51You're sleeping downstairs tonight.
22:53We're doing your woodwork with this stuff.
22:55Oh, yes.
22:59Hmm.
23:00Have you by any chance got a receipt for this little lot?
23:04Um, er...
23:05Oh.
23:07Five, six, seven.
23:10I have now surrounded you in all directions,
23:13and I call on you to surrender.
23:16Our chance are there.
23:19You are looking down the barrel of eight machine guns and one Tiger tank.
23:22You can't say chance are there.
23:24It's me last man, Mildred.
23:26Oh, Mr. Roper, it's only a game.
23:28It isn't real life.
23:29Oh, he loses that as well, dear.
23:30All right, I'll surrender.
23:34Nothing like a good loser.
23:35No, he isn't.
23:36There's no skill in that.
23:37Sheer luck, that's all.
23:40Oh, hello, Jerry.
23:41Are you finished, then?
23:42Er, not quite, George.
23:43No, no.
23:44I'm just going down to the police station
23:45to help this gentleman with his inquiries.
23:48Nipped.
23:49From a local warehouse last week.
23:51What, a wood preserver?
23:52Right.
23:53Actually, no.
23:54It's not wood preserver.
23:56Isn't it?
23:56No.
23:57It's antifreeze.
24:00Come on.
24:05Antifreeze?
24:05Well, there's one good thing to come out of it.
24:07I mean, we'll have no trouble
24:08starting up the floorboards in the morning, will we?
24:09I mean, we'll have no trouble.
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