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00:00Previously on Crodman Doom
00:01All Dongalore needs now is the tears of a pagan woman
00:05Pagan women don't cry
00:06The smoke from the beacon will alert resistance leaders everywhere
00:12The fate of the resistance rests in your hands
00:16I weep at the prospect
00:18Oh man
00:50Convinced that his incompetence had caused the explosion of the doomsday beacon
00:55Crod led his men in a time-honored ritual for handling profound shame
01:00The elaborate group lie
01:02Guys, if we're gonna sell this whopper, we need to get our story straight
01:06Definitely
01:06Okay, Bruce, run it from the top
01:08Okay, we summited the beacon at exactly dawn
01:12Which I remember because the azure light breaking over Radler Ridge
01:15Reminded me of Arcadius' eyes
01:17Wrong! Radler Ridge is west of the beacon
01:20And General Arcadius' eyes were brown
01:23Who had the blue eyes then?
01:24It doesn't matter
01:25Zez, what happened next?
01:27I conjured up a ball of flame and laid it to rest on a pot
01:29No, not believable
01:30That's very believable because that's what I do
01:33Zez, you want me to break it down in front of the group?
01:35No, we cool, correct
01:36Okay, good
01:37So we lit it with a flint
01:39Quasto, what happened next?
01:41Um...
01:42Right, now let me see
01:42We, uh, we, uh, we left
01:45No, we didn't
01:45We, uh, we jumped
01:46That was too high
01:48We, uh, we, uh, I can't remember a thing
01:51I can't remember
01:51I'm blank
01:52Come on, Quasto
01:53You just went over this ten times
01:55Quasto, this is a plan
01:57You got to know the plan, Quasto
01:58Look, you smelled the gunpowder
02:01So we sprinted downstairs before the thing blew sky high
02:04That's what we did, Quasto
02:06I'm sorry, I can't...
02:07Oh, man
02:07I'm stupid
02:08I don't mean it like that
02:10No, come on, buddy
02:11Quasto, please, come on
02:12Come on, big guy, it's okay
02:13You want to go over it one more time?
02:15Whatever it takes
02:16Or would you rather a snack and some juice?
02:17I love a snack
02:18Okay, I love a snack
02:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
02:23You're a dead man
02:25Ha!
02:25Speak not in riddles, Grim Reaper
02:28Grim Reaper?
02:29You think I'm the Grim Reaper?
02:31Mythical harvester of souls?
02:33Q
02:33Sorry, he's a little stressed out. He's been lashing out at all of us.
02:38You know, sorry, but it's an honest mistake.
02:40I mean, you are wearing a hood and carrying a scythe.
02:42Yes, because it's harvest. I have to work for my keep.
02:47The hood shields me from the sun.
02:50Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's a big scythe.
02:52They get it.
02:53Right. I mean, look, I'm sorry.
02:54I was just struck by your dire prediction calling me a dead man.
02:58There was no prediction. I was referring to that.
03:02A decree from Chancellor Dongalore. Grim Reaper.
03:11Hmph. Watch him bleed.
03:13I'm only 30.
03:15You look good.
03:16Thanks.
03:17I jumped on his 30 eggs.
03:21Mission accomplished.
03:22Boom, boom, a beacon leaves Man Dune dead?
03:30Dongalore.
03:32Dongalore.
03:33Dongalore.
03:33Sir, the, uh, Dongalore youth composed this hymn especially for your impending triumph over the resistance.
03:39They've done excellently, Barnabas, as have you in selecting the finest our province has to offer.
03:46Shining examples.
03:48Dongalore.
03:50Dongalore.
03:51Who is this odious troglodyte?
03:53We know who this is.
03:54This is Monkilo.
03:55He lives beneath the slop house.
03:57Hmm?
03:57He's your bastard son.
03:59Hi, dad.
04:00Ah-ha.
04:01Hi there, yeah.
04:03I'm afraid, er, daddy has to dash off now, but how would you like to go on a boat ride
04:10with Uncle Barbar?
04:11okay but I can't swim really it doesn't matter just remember to have lots of
04:19stones in your pockets to throw at turtles yes have fun two three four
04:28Dongalore, Dongalore needs another verse going right some more
04:34Dongalore is offering general amnesty this Saturday any resistance fighters who
04:39lay down their arms will receive 20 gold mentulas and a mule wait why would
04:44Dongalore think we died at the beacon yeah that mission was a secret the only
04:49person who knew we were there was Grimshank he's working with Dongalore
04:54I knew it I knew it cried then why didn't you say something just it that's what I
05:00just okay we got a war and rape and Annika just hope that backstabber hasn't got to
05:06him yet that's it I'm gonna go take that old bastard out oh whoa what'd you say no
05:13no Grimshank is what we call a warlock's warlock you can't just go after that
05:18man head on that's crazy if he sends your presents he'll drop some serious mojo on
05:23you yeah you're right look Zez I don't call on you very often and when I do it's
05:30usually a courtesy and that's appreciated cried well I really need you to dig deep
05:34here I'm ready to dig gotta shove go I know you run in warlock circles I
05:39sprint in them does Grimshank have any weaknesses that we could exploit yeah yeah
05:45he does but I gotta warn y'all it's not gonna be pleasant even after 30 years of
05:53marriage he was insatiable he'd have me four or five times a day oh not counting
06:00hunches I warned you my Arcadius was like that too go on go on he made me train my
06:10Kegel muscles to the point where I could pick up loose change
06:19what you don't get to see that every day but after the menopause he lost interest in me
06:26sexually I indulged his every perversion mouth fun sure bag piping kind of a little bit of canary in
06:36the coal mine why but nothing satisfied you breathing on my face I've missed you
07:01player what what are you talking about crazy I've never seen you look Agnes if
07:20you really want to get back at Grimshank help us out okay it's wizardly
07:28denomination is the order of the hound
07:40the source of Grimshank's magic is a canine tooth he wears on a gold waist chain
07:47without it he's just a powerless old perv but but how do we get close enough to
07:52him to get the tooth I'll turn you into the thing he fears the least body and soul of a
08:01shaggy beast
08:03hey master my fleas are gone good for you Christo now let's focus we have to
08:10warn Rafe and Annika that Grimshank is a traitor Bruce do you mind it's a compliment
08:15mean crud bill of my ass right live in a damn castle yeah yeah yeah I saw wait I hear
08:21Annika
08:23y'all just gonna take off and leave me in the back huh cuz I'm the black dog racist
08:30hey what's the trouble girl girl well now who do we have here I don't know where she came from
08:37she
08:37just bounded in all excited oh are you in heat heat can you not see my balls guys it's no
08:48use she
08:48can't understand what I'm saying well snowflake why don't you take our new friends to my quarters eh
08:54fine we'll go to his quarters and see what we can find out let's go Bruce oh I say sir
09:03ah Barnabas I trust the boat trip was eventful glug glug bubble bubble sink sink indeed sir yes
09:10I I'm so sorry to put pressure on you sir but we simply must transfer the eye to the firing
09:15position
09:16immediately immediately joy time super but let's have a look at this yes I said tasteful not too
09:25tasteful and paint is cheap elongate my man cabin oh hey what's in that vial master I don't know
09:36costo but I guarantee it's something nasty bad snowflake you almost made daddy spill his pagan tears
09:46pagan tears I knew he was evil so did I told you don't start there's a tooth right there grab
09:54it
09:54let's get the hell out of here grab it with what guys face it we're stuck here until the spell
09:59where's are great what are we supposed to do between now and dawn hmm okay we're off the clock
10:11until sunup separate corners and no peeking
10:37guys guys wake up anybody got a mint quiet
10:44you'll wake him he looks excited about something
10:49shit it would have spawned
10:51Crog get the tooth me isn't this more up your alley I am not a wrinkle queen
10:57Argedius was an exception
11:00fine I'm going in be careful master
11:04steady steady oh that's not a tooth
11:08steady got that
11:12rise and shine grimshank look at what I got
11:15I thought you were dead yeah well you thought wrong old man
11:19give me my tooth back no chance say goodbye to your magics
11:23no no no
11:26that's the biggest mistake you've ever made
11:28oh really traitor and what's this
11:31none of your business yeah well it is now
11:34quasto gagging keep an eye out for don boy
11:38I'm gonna let long shaft know his villa's got a rat problem
11:41oh robe robe
11:48hey wraith
11:51crud
11:51you're alive
11:53yeah no thanks to this traitor grimshank traitor I found these in his room
11:59pagan tears
12:01he and dongle are going to use them to fuel the eye of gulgo grim
12:03on behalf of the resistance I thank you my dear
12:06I'll dispose of those
12:08don't give him the tears you fool
12:11seriously with the name calling
12:12forgive him crud he's going through a painful divorce
12:14now listen to me
12:15take the tears and leave right now
12:17it is your only chance to save the resistance
12:19trust me
12:20trust you you tried to blow me up
12:23because I needed you dead
12:25look I know we never got along but I think that's a little interesting
12:29it was nothing personal
12:30it was part of my plan to save the resistance
12:34what how
12:35crud
12:38you're alive
12:41oh that's how
12:42I have been working for the resistance as a double agent
12:45and I realized as soon as I saw her that she loved you
12:48whoa whoa hold up
12:49you saw that she loved me
12:51well it was obvious
12:51it was obvious
12:53see I think that way
12:54and then you
12:54I saw that she loved you
12:56and I realized that if we were to have any chance at all
12:59of harvesting pagan tears
13:00she had to believe you were gone
13:05whoa whoa whoa
13:07you cried over me
13:10you never cry
13:12yeah I uh crud
13:13yeah
13:13with all due respect
13:15um what my former colleagues saw and I presume heard was hardly Annika's love for you
13:19in fact if I may take a rare break from gentlemanly decorum
13:22that bitch wore my ass out
13:26is that true
13:28did you
13:30wear his ass out
13:31oh why
13:33emptied her lube gourd
13:37twice
13:37that was a huge gourd
13:40I know
13:48well I guess that sells it
13:50here
13:50take her
13:51no
13:55ever the chump men do
14:04are you ready big d
14:07born ready rl
14:10what say we fry up some villagers
14:13you fool
14:15do you realize what you've just done
14:16yes
14:18I've exposed the real traitor
14:22and given him a vial of grovel urine
14:25I think it'd be cloudy
14:26but surprisingly it's clear as spring water
14:32here are the real tears
14:34ha
14:35suck on that boys
14:38who's the fool now grimshank
14:45my sword
14:46now I know I had it when I got up
14:48as we speak hundreds of resistance fighters
14:51are gathered in the hesamil commons
14:53seeking amnesty and a mule
14:55ha
14:56fools
14:56everyone knows there's no such thing as a free mule
14:59ha ha ha
15:03say hello
15:04to the eye of galgar grim
15:15hey double agent guy
15:17didn't you have a plan to shut this thing down
15:19yes I was going to wait until the weapon was activated
15:22and then use my telekinetic powers
15:24to turn it onto dongolo's palace
15:26hey that's great
15:27that's a weirdo let's do that
15:28you threw my magic away
15:30I am now completely powerless
15:32right
15:33I accept it
15:35your so called resistance is doomed
15:38I'll take those tears
15:39you want them
15:40you have to carve them out of my cold dead gullen
15:47I'm stuck
15:48I can't breathe
15:51unbelievable
15:52they swallowed the vial
15:54well what was I supposed to do
15:55crush it on the stone floor
15:57pour the tears out
15:58or just swallow them
15:59quite a few options really
16:01oh I was looking forward to the gullen carving
16:04where was I
16:06oh yes
16:08kill him
16:09still no sign of jungle
16:11lord
16:12hello
16:32the vial of tears
16:41sir
16:41sir
16:41thank you for including me
16:43in today's apocal events
16:44oh Barnabas
16:45I couldn't have done it without you
16:46now drop
16:58you can take him
17:00I don't know
17:01he's good
17:01God
17:02it's the size of the warrior's heart to count
17:04not
17:04his sword
17:07first of all
17:08this is not my sword
17:10my sword is huge
17:11it is way bigger than his
17:17Remshag
17:21Arcadius
17:23said
17:23you were the golden one
17:27I die unconvinced
17:39your hand cramp
17:41are you in pain sir
17:41yeah I'll soldier on
17:43as I always do
17:54wife
17:55oh come come crott
17:56look around you
17:57do you honestly believe
17:58someone born into all this
17:59would fight to see it abolished
18:01no
18:02join me
18:03and you too can have
18:04a palace of your own
18:05freedom is my palace
18:06freedom is my palace
18:08what a clumsy looking metal for
18:19showtime
18:27joy
18:33just a matter of minutes now
18:35Barnabas
18:36let's away
18:46farewell
18:47I'm not doing
18:50whoa
18:52oh
18:53hey hey
18:54crap
19:00just surrender
19:01I'll give Annika back
19:04she's not yours to kill
19:11do what you must
19:12sat his hair on fire
19:14give him to rip his head off
19:15rub him with oil
19:16get him greasy
19:26it is an honor to die at your hand Annika
19:31crott
19:33you are a worthy fern
19:38classy till the end
19:43thanks
19:44how did you do that
19:45Zez
19:46I'll tell you what it was
19:47it was focus
19:49preparation
19:51execution
19:53Grimshank's tooth
19:55did you fish it out of the moat
19:57no
19:58I took it off a hellhound
19:59that I was fighting in another dimension
20:01while I was on my way here
20:02saving y'all's ass
20:03mm-hmm
20:05right
20:07it'll never fit Barnabas
20:08it will
20:09let me just strap it on
20:10where is that coming from
20:11someplace beautiful
20:14yes
20:15their wings are secure
20:16sir
20:16good
20:17well Barney old chap
20:19bon chance
20:21bon chance
20:22am I not to come too
20:24no Barnabas
20:25a hero's death awaits you
20:27what
20:28well there's no greater glory
20:30yes
20:30yes of course
20:31ah
20:33a guilt trip
20:34really
20:35on the greatest day of my life
20:37that's the thanks I get
20:38is it
20:38well a thousand apologies sir
20:40no
20:40too late
20:42damage is done
20:43talk to the wind
20:46don't
20:47attack Barnabas
20:54it's over
20:57grunt
20:59grunt
20:59grunt
21:02gruntmeister
21:04you're no killer
21:06I saw you spare Ralph
21:08Ralph
21:09Ralph
21:11Ralph
21:11is he Ralph or Ralph
21:13it's spelt Ralph
21:14but it's pronounced Ralph
21:15wanker
21:16he didn't kill Arcanius
21:19you did
21:20wait
21:21there's
21:22something you need to know
21:23a very powerful secret
21:25that has been kept from you
21:26for too long now
21:27you're starving
21:28no
21:29it's true
21:31Crot
21:32I am
21:35your brother
21:39my brother
21:41in law
21:44say again
21:45I married your sister
21:46Vula
21:49she left home
21:50when I was a kid
21:50she joined the
21:51Mulcavian war
21:52care
21:52yes
21:52and the fact remains
21:53we were married
21:55albeit briefly
21:56what you're not even
21:58married anymore
21:58yeah
21:58but not now
21:59she's nuts
22:00and a whore
22:01but the fact is
22:03Crot
22:04we're family
22:05Crot
22:05the eye
22:06it's about to blow
22:10this is no more
22:12surrender immediately
22:13if you don't mind
22:24there's gotta be some way
22:25to stop this thing
22:27you know what to do
22:29Golden One
22:29fulfill your destiny
22:32Roeth Kablon Brak Rothan
22:35the fire flow through the steel
22:37wait
22:38answer me this
22:40do you know if
22:41Bruce is seeing anyone
22:43or
22:43later
22:43fair enough
22:45go lad
22:53to defend
22:58you know Mr.
23:04Henry
23:04you know
23:06what's wrong
23:07Spend
23:07you
23:07Oh, my God.
23:53Be careful with those tears.
23:56Somebody's gonna get hurt.
24:12Look, guys.
24:14Everyone in that crowd thinks I'm dead.
24:16So when they find out that the golden one lives on,
24:19things might get a little nuts.
24:21Well, no, I'm already all over that crowd.
24:23Listen, nobody gets near them.
24:24You hear that?
24:25Nobody.
24:27Quasto.
24:28I'm a tree.
24:29Okay.
24:31Just another thing.
24:32If they start chanting my name,
24:34just know that that chant is for all of us.
24:37Okay, you know why?
24:38Because there's no I in team, people.
24:40Crut, no.
24:41Move.
24:42I do it.
24:43Relax.
24:44Make eye contact with me.
24:45Come on, Bruce.
24:46Just how much time do we have?
24:47Okay, Bruce, I'm good.
24:48Okay.
24:49Here I go.
24:51Good people of Hesse Mule.
24:53Stop your warning.
24:55I'm alive.
24:59Are you the Mule Man?
25:01What?
25:02No.
25:03No, I'm...
25:04No, I'm Crab Man Dune.
25:07Do you work for the Mule Man?
25:10No.
25:11No, I'm...
25:12I'm the golden one.
25:14He's got the gold!
25:17No, no, no.
25:18There is no gold.
25:20There are no mules.
25:22The amnesty offer was a lie.
25:24So the fight for freedom
25:25must go on and on.
25:28But we're tired of fighting.
25:31We want gold and mules.
25:33Right, you're tired, sure.
25:34Can you...
25:35I'm dying.
25:36You want mules?
25:38Yes!
25:39You want gold?
25:40Yes!
25:42You want freedom?
25:43Yes!
25:44Follow us!
25:45We'll march as one
25:46to the royal stables
25:47and help ourselves
25:48to the mules.
25:50From there,
25:51it's under the treasury
25:52to take back our gold!
25:54And our lives!
25:59Attica,
26:00they saw everything.
26:04She's incorrigible.
26:06Incorrigible.
26:07And to his abiding horror,
26:09the only woman
26:09he would ever truly love.
26:11Bound by a common fate,
26:13yet doomed to emotional chaos,
26:16Crod and Annika
26:17march out of the village
26:19and into their epic destiny.
26:26And that was the final episode
26:27of Crod Mandoon.
26:29Newsnight is coming up next
26:30over on BBC Two.
26:32And here on BBC HD,
26:33there's drama in a few moments
26:34with moving on.
27:01Ah, you there!
27:03Peasant!
27:04Help me down from this tree,
27:06you'll be richly rewarded!
27:08A monkey-loo?
27:10Father!
27:11I thought he was, uh...
27:14I don't know...
27:15Uh, hey there, buddy!
27:18How was the boat ride?
27:20Yes?
27:21Yeah!
27:22Ah!
27:23Ah!
27:23She'll be part of a fate!
27:25She'll be from this
27:26wretched monster!
27:27Ouch!
27:28Ooh, good arm on the boy in there.
27:30Yes, not bad, sir.
27:31Not bad.
27:32You wouldn't.
27:35You would?
27:38By the gods, Barnabas.
27:40I love the little bastard.
27:45Homunculo Vesuvius Dongalore,
27:48I hereby acknowledge you
27:49to be my rightful heir.
27:51Come live with me at the palace.
27:52You can have Barnabas's quarters.
27:54It won't, Elzie.
27:55Where will I live?
27:56And still he chops!
27:58Isn't he wonderful, Barnabas?
28:00Absolutely, but so
28:01where will I live?
28:02Ah!
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