- 2 days ago
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00:00.
02:08Have you no respect for the dying?
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12You're not dying.
02:14I'm hoping to.
02:16Oh.
02:17Ew.
02:18Oh.
02:21Tell me something.
02:23Yeah?
02:23That terrible girl at the party last night.
02:26Yeah.
02:27The one that kept giggling and wanted to strip tease.
02:30Yeah.
02:31It was me, wasn't it?
02:34Oh.
02:35Yes.
02:36Oh.
02:38I ruined Anna's wedding reception.
02:40No, she didn't even notice.
02:42Her labour pain started and she was woofed off.
02:45That's nice?
02:46Yes.
02:47A boy.
02:48Seven pounds, eight ounces.
02:50Oh, well, that'll spoil the honeymoon.
02:51Oh, well, that won't.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:56Look at that.
02:57Oh.
02:58Oh, put it away.
02:59It'll attract the flies.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:05I am going for a bath.
03:08Oh.
03:09With a bit of luck, I might drown.
03:10It was your fault.
03:12You mixed the punch.
03:13There was absolutely nothing wrong with that punch.
03:16Then why has the ladle turned green?
03:19LAUGHTER
03:22I don't know anything about drinks.
03:25Maybe there was something wrong with the gin.
03:27Or the tequila.
03:29Or the whisky.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36Oh.
03:36Oh.
03:37Oh.
03:39Oh.
03:40Oh.
03:46There's a man in the bath.
03:48A what?
03:49A man.
03:49A fella asleep in the bath.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54Oh, yes.
03:55Is he one of yours?
03:57Come on.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00LAUGHTER
04:00No.
04:01No, never seen him before.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:06Hello.
04:07Maybe he's a burglar.
04:08Oh, yeah, crepting after the bath plug
04:09and fell asleep on the job.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13Well, we can't just leave him there.
04:15There's a girl coming round to see the place this afternoon.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25LAUGHTER
04:40Good evening.
04:41Good morning.
04:42Good afternoon.
04:44Perhaps, is it really?
04:46Er...
04:46Trip.
04:47Robin Tripp.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:54I'm Chrissie, this is Joe.
04:56How do you do, Joe?
04:59Um...
04:59You're probably wondering what I was doing in your bath.
05:02No, not at all.
05:02I'm just glad I noticed you before I got in.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07I remember you from the party last night.
05:10You look different then.
05:11Sort of drier.
05:12Yeah, quite, yeah.
05:13I came with a chap who said he was a friend of one of the gatecrashers.
05:17Erm...
05:17Sorry.
05:18Have you got...
05:18Have you got another towel, please?
05:19Yeah, yeah, I'll get you one.
05:22Oh, how...
05:23How did you come to fall asleep in the bath?
05:25Right, that's a good question.
05:26Well, the last thing I actually remember
05:27is having some of that dreadful punch.
05:29Oh.
05:30Ha.
05:32Yes, well...
05:34Well, come in.
05:36Sit down.
05:38I did bring a bottle last night.
05:40Cherry brandy.
05:41Oh, good.
05:42I don't know if you collect miniatures.
05:43I...
05:46I gave it to the other girl who shares the flat.
05:49Eleanor.
05:49Eleanor, that's right.
05:50Yes, the one that was a bit, erm...
05:52Oh, yes.
05:53She had a boy.
05:55Yes, I thought she must have had.
05:58Erm...
05:59Listen.
06:00I...
06:01I'd better be moving.
06:02Don't be silly.
06:03Take your clothes off.
06:04Do what?
06:08There's a definite crack in the ceiling.
06:10It's that party last night that did it.
06:11It was Hitler did it, George.
06:13Well, not unless he was up there dancing.
06:15And the noise!
06:17It was a buzz bomb during the war.
06:19Do you know when it finally finished?
06:20The E-Day?
06:21Yeah, three o'clock in the morning.
06:24I wouldn't mind it if I'd been invited.
06:26Oh, you wouldn't have liked it, George.
06:29All those young girls...
06:30No.
06:31You're not up to it.
06:32What's that supposed to mean?
06:34Well, you know how to keep the pot boiling down here.
06:37Well, don't start that again.
06:40You know, it was a going away party.
06:43One of the girls was going away.
06:45If you were going away, I'd have a party.
06:49It's a pity you don't live in India.
06:51You'd be sacred, you wouldn't.
06:52All right.
06:54Which one of us is going up there to complain?
06:56Oh, I really do think it ought to be the head of the household, George.
06:59Right.
07:00I'll pop up as soon as my name goes.
07:03Clouses and socks.
07:04Is that the lot?
07:06Yes.
07:07Are you sure?
07:08Yes, I'm positive.
07:09What about your knickers?
07:20Pond signs.
07:22The Duke of York.
07:24The anchor.
07:25Oh, they do nice cheese sandwiches in there.
07:38I feel an absolute burke in this.
07:40You look gorgeous.
07:42If I was a fella, I'd fancy you.
07:44I've seen people arrested for less.
07:46No, come on, really.
07:46Haven't you got anything else, you know, anything else that will sort of fit me?
07:49That's the only thing.
07:50It was Eleanor's.
07:51Yes, I thought it was, yes.
07:53Have you got a razor I could borrow, please?
07:54You can borrow mine.
07:59I don't mind if you don't.
08:03That's fine, you know, that's really fine.
08:04Great.
08:05Have you got some shaving cream?
08:07Yeah, of course, it's out there with me pipe and me rugger boots.
08:12You haven't got any?
08:13No.
08:15How about this?
08:16Would that do?
08:17Oh, yeah, that should be all right, that's fine, yeah.
08:20What is it?
08:21We use it for cleaning the bath.
08:35How's it going?
08:36So, so.
08:37Eleanor didn't leave the recipe for toast.
08:39Oh.
08:41Oh, look, stir the scrambled egg, will you?
08:43Yeah.
08:47Ew, what are the black bits?
08:49I don't know.
08:50I think it's part of the non-stick coating.
08:55Oh, I said it's very decent of you two.
08:58They're feeding me as well.
08:59You haven't seen it yet.
09:02Sit down.
09:03No, really, really.
09:04I'm starving, you know, I could eat absolutely...
09:08Anything.
09:10Starting off the scrambled eggs.
09:12Really?
09:13Yes.
09:14I haven't seen a meal like this since I left home.
09:16Oh, your mother was a rotten cup too, was she?
09:18Terrible.
09:19Still, I'm sure this will be delicious.
09:22That's what I'm saying, but, um...
09:24Where's home?
09:30Um, Southampton.
09:32At least it was, you know, I hardly ever go...
09:35Hardly ever go back there now, you know.
09:37It's funny how you grow away from your old friends, you know,
09:40when you come to London.
09:42Build a new life for yourself.
09:44And they're stuck in their old ways.
09:45When did you leave?
09:46Day before yesterday.
09:49Still a trace of the accent left there?
09:51Oh, you never lose it.
09:52Actually, I, um...
09:54I can't eat any more of this.
09:56It's a bit, uh...
09:58You know, um...
10:00Horrible.
10:02Oh, charming.
10:03Can you do any better?
10:05Yes.
10:06Right, let's see what we've got, shall we?
10:08Right.
10:10Uh-huh.
10:11Eggs.
10:12Butter.
10:15Cabbage.
10:16Ah, shallots.
10:19Obvious, isn't it?
10:20Oh, yes.
10:20It's obvious, isn't it?
10:22He's gone mad.
10:22No, no, no.
10:23Us, Cantillienne.
10:24Could you bring the stuff over here, please?
10:25We should really have some Cantal cheese,
10:28made from the Auvergne district of France,
10:29made from a carefully selected blend of cows, goats and ewes milk.
10:33Well, mousetrap cheddar do.
10:35Even better.
10:36Now, listen.
10:37Can you, uh...
10:38Can you boil an egg?
10:39Oh, I don't know.
10:40Eleanor always did all the cooking.
10:41Look, do you know what you're doing?
10:43Of course I do.
10:43I'm stunning for my diploma at the, uh...
10:46at the Technical College.
10:47I'll need some, uh...
10:48need some breadcrumbs, please.
10:48Oh, I think there's some in my bed.
10:50No, no, no.
10:53No, no, some fresh ones.
10:54I'll make my own.
10:56You don't make breadcrumbs.
10:58They just fall off the bread.
11:00And, uh...
11:00I'll need some wine, some white wine.
11:01I really ought to have a macon.
11:03Why do you think it's going to rain?
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07Pardon?
11:08Joe!
11:10Oh, that's very good.
11:11Yes.
11:12Or a Shadley.
11:13Shadley, please.
11:13I'll go and have a look.
11:14And, Joe, if you could get me a heat tablespoon of milk, please.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19Heat!
11:21Shut up.
11:23Mise en Boutte au Co-op Bottling Depot Manchester.
11:27PHONE RINGS
11:31Hello, dear.
11:33About the noise last night...
11:34Oh, Mrs Roper, I was going to come down.
11:36Yes.
11:37Through the ceiling, we thought.
11:39I mean, I didn't mind the music, dear, but...
11:41the foul language.
11:43There wasn't any.
11:44You weren't down there with him, dear.
11:46Well, we weren't the only ones making a noise.
11:48I mean, he was banging on the ceiling with a broom handler,
11:50not even in time with the music.
11:52Yes, dear, but if you could just keep it down a little bit next time,
11:55I'll be able to...
11:56You see, you've got the white wine, please.
11:57The white wine.
11:57Hello there.
11:58Hello.
11:59Sorry, I'm rushing.
12:00I'm rushing about a bit because I've just poured hot butter over my shallots.
12:04Excuse me.
12:05OK.
12:08Who's that?
12:10Er, that's just someone who spent the night here.
12:12Oh, I...
12:13Oh.
12:14Well, perhaps I'd just better pop off then, dear.
12:15Yes.
12:16Yes.
12:17Right.
12:18Oh, er, look, love, I don't want to worry you, but...
12:22I think that's a man dressed up.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26LAUGHTER
12:33APPLAUSE
12:55You study catering full-time, do you?
12:57Oh, yes, yes.
12:58And, er, you know, although I say it myself,
13:00I can do things with a leg of lamb that would make your eyes pop out.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:03Yeah, well, I'll take you all over that.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07Actually, you know, it's not really the sort of thing you find a lot of men doing, is it?
13:11No, that is true.
13:13Mmm.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:15I know what you're getting at, and I'm not.
13:17Now, come on, come on, let's be fair.
13:19All the best chefs are male.
13:20Robert Carrier, Graham Kerr, Clement Freud...
13:22Fanny Craddock.
13:23Fanny Craddock.
13:23No!
13:25I mean, she is the exception that proves the rule.
13:27Listen, er, the eggs should be done by now.
13:29Anybody seen the egg timer?
13:31Yes, I put it in the pan with the eggs.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34Oh, she will have a little ch... She did.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:37I'll get it.
13:38Well, at least it hasn't broken.
13:40Ah, that's because she forgot to put the gas on.
13:42Oh, great.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44Hello.
13:45Oh, hello.
13:46I phoned yesterday about your advert for someone to share.
13:50Not that you've put an advert in yet, but if I'd waited till you did,
13:52it would have gone and there wouldn't have been any point, would there?
13:55No, come in.
13:56Oh, thank you so much.
13:57Chrissie, I heard there was a gal moving out from a friend of a friend of a friend.
14:01The first friend was hers and the third friend was mine,
14:03but I don't know who the one in the middle was.
14:05Still, here I am and...
14:07Oh...
14:08I do like that wallpaper.
14:11I do think wallpaper helps a room, don't you?
14:14Is it gas or electric?
14:16What, the wallpaper?
14:17The flat, silly!
14:19The room!
14:20Oh, hello.
14:21I...
14:21But, I mean, you can't always tell.
14:23Some of those electric files look just like coal, don't they?
14:26Only I'm a chilly mortal and I cannot bear cold feet in bed.
14:31Can you?
14:31Depends who they're attached to.
14:33What?
14:34In woman's clothes?
14:35Up there?
14:35Yes, George.
14:37I mean, he had long hair and he was wearing this sort of frilly thing.
14:41But he didn't fool me.
14:42Sure, it was a man.
14:43I mean, they all look alike these days.
14:45Not to me, they don't.
14:47Anyway, I could see these sort of little hairs on his chest.
14:51They were peeping out.
14:53Well, that doesn't prove much.
14:54Look at your mother.
14:58George, it was a man.
14:59I don't know what he thought he was messing about at.
15:01Well, I do.
15:02He'd probably hope he didn't realise he's a bloke.
15:04Probably planning to stay the night.
15:05He already has.
15:06What?
15:09Well, it's very nice, I'm sure.
15:11Small, as you say, but there'll be a bit more room when the bed folds up into the wall.
15:16It does fold up, doesn't it?
15:18Oh, you try stopping it.
15:20Um, this is the kitchen.
15:22Oh, it's very nice.
15:23And this is Robin's thingy.
15:25Uh, how do you do?
15:26Excuse oven gloves.
15:28You found him in the bath?
15:29Yeah.
15:30I found a spider in the bath once.
15:32They crawl up the waste pipe, you know.
15:35Horrible, hairy thing it was.
15:37I just opened my mouth and screamed.
15:40I've kept the plug in it ever since.
15:42She could have told me.
15:46Well, um, er...
15:47Oh, Gabrielle.
15:49But my friends call me Gabby.
15:51Yes, yes.
15:53Well, actually, we do have one or two other girls coming to look at the room.
15:56No, we don't have anyone else.
15:57If we advertise, we will have.
15:58So, um, if you'd just like to leave me your phone number...
16:01Well, you know, I could see around in the morning and see...
16:06Right, where is he?
16:07Mr Roper.
16:07Ah, there you are.
16:09Yes, well, that outfit doesn't fool me.
16:12No male visitors after 12 o'clock.
16:14Oh, this is our landlord.
16:15That's right.
16:16Well, get those clothes off, come on.
16:18I mean, you're not even convincing, are you?
16:20I mean, anyone can see they're not real.
16:23How you thought you could get away with...
16:30Oh, my God.
16:32You dirty old man!
16:34Every time, Mr.
16:36It's a mistake anyone can make, isn't it?
16:38They don't look real, do they?
16:40I thought they were a couple of you.
16:42No.
16:43No!
16:51He squeezed my bosoms.
16:55Well, he's never done that before.
16:58Oh.
16:58Must be undergone the philisan.
17:00Oh, I couldn't.
17:01I couldn't live in the same house as a man who...
17:04Well, I like to keep myself to my... He didn't even say, please!
17:09I'm sorry! Goodbye!
17:13How about that? Hey, Grover the Grover.
17:17Come on, get it. It's ready.
17:19Right, now, Chrissie, you sit in the middle, and, Jo, you sit on the far side, eh?
17:23Watch it, because it's very hot, OK? There we are.
17:27I'm afraid it's, you know, something rather makeshift, nothing really.
17:32Sorry about the cutlery, but that's British Rail for you.
17:36It looks good. Smells good.
17:42And, by golly, it's revolting.
17:45What? I'm kidding, it's great!
17:47It's super!
17:49My speciality is les Lagostines grillées auberts à fringes avec les salades doucettes.
17:53What's that? French.
17:55Eventually, what I want to do, you know, is open an exclusive little club, you know,
18:00and a restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.
18:03Oh, smash it!
18:03You're going to make someone a lovely wife one day.
18:05Thank you very much, yes.
18:07I must say, it's nice to get at the oven again. I don't get much chance at the YMCA.
18:09Is that where you're staying?
18:10Yes, only for the time being until I find a place of my own,
18:12but, of course, you know, I'll most probably have to share.
18:15Oh!
18:17Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
18:20Oh, I might be.
18:22I'll tell you, Mildred, it was a woman.
18:24I've got a very sensitive finger.
18:26Well, I think I ought to know a man when I see one, George.
18:29Mainly from memory, I must admit.
18:32Well, what's that supposed to mean?
18:34Well, it's a long time since you laid a finger for me.
18:37Yeah, well, if you stop sleeping in that sauna belt, I might be more interested.
18:40It's like going to bed with a Michelin man.
18:45Don't change the subject, George.
18:46What are we going to do about him?
18:48It's a her.
18:49It's a him!
18:52What, me?
18:53Share a flat with you two girls?
18:55Well, I must say, it's something to think about.
18:58Well, it would have to be equal share.
19:00Oh, certainly, yes, of course, yes, yes.
19:02Of what?
19:03The rent rates, phone food...
19:05Oh, those, yes, yes, of course, of course.
19:08And that's all we'd be sharing.
19:09One grope mate and you'd be out.
19:10Listen.
19:12I wouldn't dream of it.
19:13You can dream of it, all right, as long as you don't make too much noise.
19:16Listen.
19:20There's going to be obvious snags, aren't there?
19:22I mean, look, supposing, you know...
19:24Sorry.
19:24Supposing I want to sort of, you know, pull a girl...
19:26I mean, you know, bring my girlfriend back for a quick, uh, quiet chat, you know.
19:32Oh, we'd go to the pictures.
19:34Yes, I know, but there's no lock on that bathroom door, is there?
19:36You see, and I usually have a bath in a nude.
19:38No.
19:40Well, you can sing, can't you?
19:42That's what we do.
19:43Nick, see, look, I've half promised to share a flat with somebody else.
19:45In fact, I...
19:46I said I'd bring them this morning.
19:46Can I use your phone?
19:47Yeah, sure, through there.
19:50Oh, well, back to instant porridge, instant mash.
19:54Instant indigestion.
19:59Here we are.
20:03Douglas.
20:04Douglas.
20:058462375.
20:06Douglas!
20:07Douglas!
20:08Yes.
20:08Yes, I, uh, I met him at your party last night.
20:11He seemed a very nice chap.
20:12Mmm, divine!
20:13Ducky!
20:14Yes, he said I, uh, I might be able to move in with him.
20:17Sorry, just one second.
20:18Sorry.
20:19Uh, hello?
20:20Hello, Douglas.
20:21Um, this is Robin here.
20:24I don't know if you remember, I met you at the party last night.
20:26Robin Tripp.
20:28Yes, that's right, yes.
20:29Well, the thing is...
20:30Douglas.
20:31Sorry?
20:32Oh, all right, Dougie.
20:34Uh...
20:35The thing is...
20:36The thing is, Dougie, you said your flatmate, was it?
20:38Geoff... Geoffrey, yes.
20:40Geoffrey was... was leaving.
20:42Tiff.
20:43Oh.
20:44I'm sorry.
20:45Well, anyway, you said...
20:45Am I what, sorry?
20:47Gay?
20:50Um...
20:51Well, you know, I'm a reasonably happy sort of chap.
20:55In the morning, I'm not quite...
20:56Oh, sorry, that game.
20:57No.
20:58Um...
20:59No, Doug Douglas, I don't think we'd get on very well together.
21:03Um...
21:03No, it's not that, Douglas.
21:04No, no, no.
21:05I didn't even know you wore a two-pate.
21:06I can...
21:08Oh, you could have been onto a good thing there.
21:11You never had to buy yourself another box of chocolates.
21:15I suppose I should have realised when he asked me to dance, really.
21:18Listen.
21:19Girls, can I take you up on that kind offer?
21:22Oh, I see.
21:22On the rebound, are we?
21:24Mmm...
21:24Well, I don't know.
21:25What do you think?
21:27Well...
21:27I'm for anyone who can cook like that.
21:29And as a washing up.
21:32Washing up?
21:33Washing up.
21:34Washing up.
21:35It's a deal.
21:36Er...
21:37Any missing about and we'll take you straight round to the vet.
21:40Right.
21:40Fair enough.
21:44They're still a bit damp round the prospect of whipping.
21:49Look, you can move in when you like cos the room's empty.
21:51Right.
21:52Well, sorry to barge in again like this, ladies.
21:55But the wife and I are having a little disagreement over a certain matter of sex.
21:58Oh, you want to borrow a book?
22:00No.
22:00No.
22:01Er...
22:02We're here about that young man...
22:03George.
22:04There he is.
22:06Him?
22:07No.
22:07No, no, no.
22:08He's not the one I, er...
22:09I, er...
22:10No, definitely not.
22:11This is our landlord.
22:13He's always doing that.
22:14How do you do?
22:14I'm...
22:15I'm Robin Tripp and I should be moving in here.
22:16Yeah, no.
22:17The one I saw I'd completely dip...
22:18You'll be doing no such thing.
22:19No?
22:20What, a fella moving in with two birds?
22:22I suppose you thought I wouldn't realise dressed up like that.
22:24Oh, look, it would be purely platonic.
22:26I don't care what he...
22:27What's that mean?
22:28Well, like you and me, George.
22:32I don't believe it.
22:33Anyway, I'm not having it.
22:34Neither would he be.
22:38Very well, I'll put my trousers on.
22:40Oh, well, if you must, you must.
22:42There you are!
22:43Why did he have them off?
22:45I can explain.
22:47Oh, I don't understand it.
22:49No, neither do I.
22:50I mean, come on.
22:51It is the permissive society, right?
22:52Yeah.
22:52The swinging 70s.
22:54I mean, Andy Warhol, flesh, trash, you name it.
22:56Anything goes today, doesn't it?
22:57Yeah.
22:57Can you just turn around when I put my trousers on, please?
23:01I'll, er...
23:01I'll leave you the recipe for Earth's Cantillienne.
23:04Oh, no, no, no, don't.
23:05Cos the way I cook it would be sacrilege.
23:06Yes, that is true, yes.
23:08Listen.
23:08Listen, Joe.
23:09Come here.
23:10What do you think if I sort of went in there, you know,
23:12and tried to talk to him, you know, er...
23:14Explain it to him or, you know, or better still, grovel?
23:19Well, you never know.
23:19You've talked me into it.
23:21Er...
23:22Excuse me.
23:22Mr Groper.
23:23Roper.
23:23Sorry, Roper.
23:24Listen.
23:27There's a couple of things you ought to know about this.
23:28Yes, yes, yes.
23:28It's all right, son.
23:29She's just been explaining.
23:31Um, sorry I misjudged you.
23:33Yes.
23:33I mean, you can stay here as long as you like.
23:36You know, it's all right.
23:37Well, I hope you'll be very happy.
23:39Well, thank you very much indeed.
23:41Yes.
23:41George.
23:47What did you say?
23:50I just set his mind at rest.
23:52Huh?
23:52Mainly about the sex bit.
23:54Yeah.
23:56The thing is, you'll probably have to go on wearing that for the rest of your life.
23:59Why?
24:00Told him you were a puff.
24:02Oh.
24:02Oh, my God.
24:10Oh, my God.
24:13Oh, my God.
24:20Oh, my God.
24:24Oh, my God.
24:26Oh, my God.
24:27Oh, my God.
24:29Oh, my God.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:31Oh, my God.
24:31Oh, my God.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:32Oh, my God.
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