- 2 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Previously on Crod Mandoon
00:01I am doubling the bounty on Mandoon and the pagan wench
00:05How's my favorite freedom fighting couple?
00:07Excellent!
00:07Actually, we're no longer a couple
00:10You're not worried about the arrival of Emperor Xanus' weapons inspector?
00:14Granted, it's not exactly what I came here for
00:16But she'll make a tasty little souvenir
00:51The End
00:51Though well versed in all manner of guerrilla warfare
00:54Crod's tactic of choice, the Supply Line Raid
00:58Choking the lifeblood from the oppressor's regime
01:00One cargo shipment at a time
01:02But Crod knew well his success depended on nerve, focus, and flawless execution
01:08Zez, get back in position
01:10No, no, Crod's still wearing assless chaps, man
01:12Normal pants chafe my tail
01:14Cut him some slack, Zez, this guy's got a tail
01:16So why don't you come sit underneath this chocolate starfish in a stress position, Crod?
01:21That is not a starfish, that is my muscle
01:24Let me tell you something, I don't care what it is
01:26I saw a heartbeat until he covers it up and out
01:28Can we just clear this up, please?
01:30You said that on a Friday, we could wear whatever we want
01:33Yeah
01:33That's why Bruce gets to wear his tummy teaser
01:35Jealous much?
01:37Guys, guys, this is an ambush
01:39Oh, oh, Crod
01:40You said as long as I cover my nipples and manscape my treasure trail that I can let loose my
01:43Bruce
01:44Never in my life have I ever said manscaping treasure...
01:48All right
01:49I would never say I know Christ
01:51Guys, guys, guys!
01:52We're here to intercept the imperial payroll shipment, okay?
01:55So forgive me if I'm all business, but I'm really not in the mood to play fashion police
01:59Oh, really?
02:00Then, um, why did you try and get me to wear a chastity belt?
02:04No, now, Annika, that is not a chastity belt, that is state-of-the-art vaginal armor
02:10Yeah, well, uh, I'll take my chances
02:12Well, you wouldn't have to take chances if you just follow some simple guidelines
02:17Like, is it so hard to wear underwear?
02:19It is if you've got a tail
02:20I don't want to get hit with gravel choppers
02:22You guys, I'm not opening the discussion up to everyone
02:25Let's get to your hands to do a job
02:28Oh, great
02:29Oh, that's just great
02:31Congratulations, you just killed Casual Friday
02:33I'm low, Crod, please
02:35No, no, no, stick a sword in it, it's done
02:41Crod Mandoon
02:43Who's asking?
02:44Of course
02:45Our last encounter left little time for introduction
02:48I'm Rafe Longshaft, spelt Ralph, pronounced Rafe
02:51Wait, you're THE Rafe Longshaft?
02:54Wow, your autobiography, Rafe on Rafe, is the reason I picked up a sword for the cause
02:59Man crush
03:00Stop, and this is my esteemed warlock and dear friend Grimshank
03:04Oh, hey, how you doing?
03:07I...
03:07Crod, we tracked you here because the ERC
03:11The Elite Resistance Council
03:13Of course
03:13Is meeting tomorrow in the Frenulum Catacombs at the base of Mount Hood
03:17To discuss strategy in a post-Arcadious world
03:19Now, as his protege, I believe that you should be part of that discussion
03:23Grimshank the invitation
03:29It was in his sleeve
03:31Until tomorrow, Grimshank, away!
03:38Oh, ow, my eyes
03:42Wow
03:43That, that was a stumper
03:45Did he slice the earth?
03:47What is it?
03:50What news, Barnabas?
03:51Well, the, uh, bounty on Mandoon has been lifted by your official decree
03:55And everything else, excuse me
03:57Is unfolding according to plan
04:00Oh
04:01Oh?
04:02Look, I'm closer
04:04The Eye of Gorn Coquimla will soon be fully operational
04:07This is the fulfillment of your five-year plan
04:10I thought you'd be happy
04:11And I am
04:13I am, Barnabas
04:15But what good is the power to destroy humanity if I have no one to share it with?
04:21I miss her, Barnabas
04:22I miss her so
04:24Who, sir?
04:28My angel
04:30My beloved
04:32The wench from the village with the big cairns and the humpy eyes
04:35Of course, yes, of course
04:37Now, was she not last seen absconding with Lord Roderick?
04:40Yes, but what can he bench?
04:42Oh, touche, sir, touche
04:45And you're not deterred by the age difference
04:47Oh, no, no, no, no
04:48You take your own age, cut it in half, add seven
04:51Anything higher than that is socially acceptable, yes?
04:54Try it
04:55Isn't it perfect?
04:56Yes, yes, and then you can, uh
04:58Yes, well, lovely
05:00I just, you know, hope you've not mistaken infatuation for love
05:03What do you know of love?
05:05You've never even been in a long-term relationship
05:07Oh, true
05:08I was only married for a short time before you beheaded my wife
05:11Only because she was unfaithful to you?
05:13With you, sir?
05:14She initiated at the autumnal solstice
05:16After you spiked her punch and goaded her into sexual roleplay
05:19Oh, yes, I did, yes
05:21I have forgotten that, yes
05:23Yes, well, it was a test
05:24Oh
05:25And she failed
05:26I saved you a lot of heartache
05:28Yes, well, my infant sons and I thank you
05:31Thank me by finding her, Barnabas
05:34Find my soul, my wife
05:37Right, abs, I think
05:39Wow, guys, look at this
05:42This is like a who's who of legendary warriors
05:44Like you got Santu Moose Knuckle
05:48Thaddeus the Hammer, Gustav the Short and Curly
05:51They've summoned me
05:54As they should, huh?
05:56Thanks, man
05:56You
05:59You
05:59So, uh, you planned to go before the council without me?
06:04Uh, yeah
06:05You know what?
06:06Fine, it's fine
06:07Go alone
06:08Great, thanks, I will
06:09That's what you want
06:10And fight alone
06:12What?
06:12And fulfil the prophecy alone
06:14And die alone for all I care
06:16I'd never let you die alone, Master
06:18Thanks, bastard
06:19Because I was under the impression
06:21That we needed each other to save the Resistance
06:23But apparently, I was mistaken
06:27No, no, you're right
06:29You're right
06:30Well, we'll go to the Urk together and, uh
06:32I'll make sure they know we stand as one
06:35Remove her from these premises
06:36Can do
06:37Can do
06:37Let's go, Anakin
06:40Look, uh
06:42The reason that I brought her with me is, uh
06:45We have a special kind of relationship
06:47Oh
06:47Special
06:48Special
06:49Special
06:49How
06:49Are you her mistress?
06:56Hey, you watch it, pal
06:57Oh, watch
06:58You limp-haired mongrel
07:01I'm sorry
07:02You're attacking my hair?
07:04With all due respect
07:05Gustav the Short and Curly
07:07You have pubic hair atop your head
07:08Yes, swine
07:10And you
07:10Have no pubic hair atop your head
07:12Yeah, that's right
07:14Wait, what?
07:15I...
07:15I just have normal hair atop my head
07:17That... that's what you're supposed to have, right?
07:19No
07:20Pubic hair belongs everywhere
07:25Gentlemen
07:26Gentlemen
07:27There is no right or wrong place for pubic hair
07:30Well, actually, by definition, I'm thinking, you know
07:33Let us agree to disagree and focus on our business here today
07:38Now, the passing of Arcadius has left Hessemiel's seat on the council wide open
07:44Crod, earlier today, I nominated you to replace him
07:49Wow, oh my gods, this is arguably the greatest moment of my life
07:54Your nomination was rejected
07:55Why?
07:57However, the council did agree to a compromise
07:59Your admission, and by rightful extension, Anika's admission to our ranks
08:03Will be conditional upon the successful completion of a test of valor
08:07We accept
08:08Well, probably find it what it is first
08:11Um...
08:12What is this test?
08:14You must retrieve the bloodstone of Illuvia
08:17The largest diamond in the known world
08:20Its sale could fund the resistance for a decade
08:23It's believed to lie here, on the Illuvian plain, deep in the lair of a dreaded Cyclops
08:28Hundreds have died in its pursuit
08:31And I'll wager Mentulis to mince pies
08:33You'll join them
08:37Mark me well, council
08:40We'll vanquish this Cyclops
08:42We'll fetch you the bloodstone
08:44And by the gods, I will lay it here upon that very table
08:47And then?
08:48Then I'm coming back here and I'm gonna shear your pubic dome bare with molten steel
08:53And then I'm gonna douse your smoldering scalp with hot jets of urine straight from my horse
08:57Security!
08:57No, wait, it's okay, there's no need for security
08:59I'm good
09:02Long live the, uh, resistance
09:08Mmm
09:09How long can resist us beyond me?
09:13Mr. Eden of those, I think
09:15Sir, forgive me
09:16I, um, I come with news of your soul, Wrench
09:21Yes, she's to be wet this weekend to Lord Rodrick at Castle Brainhang
09:25Daggers! Ready the carriage! We ride tonight to Brainhang
09:28Oh, and Barnabas, fill out the travel flagons, grab some munchies, we'll make it a road trip
09:35Oh, hello, I know Rodrick, what's your problem?
09:40Fearlessly they raced across the Illuvian Plain
09:43But none of them knew what horrors awaited them inside that strange purple cave
09:54Shhh, careful guys
09:57Right now our only advantage is the element of surprise
10:00Oh, I love surprises
10:02Back up, one eye
10:04Or what, dimples
10:06You'll stick that thing in me, aren't you a wild one?
10:10Join me for nibbles and mojitos
10:13Fresh mint
10:16Weapons at the ready
10:17Get the chance to take this guy out
10:18I'd love a chance to take him out
10:20I bet he has stories
10:22Close!
10:23Dig in everybody
10:25As usual, I've made way too much
10:27Pass me the ponzu sauce, love
10:32Wait, is that the orange one?
10:35Nope, that's chutney
10:36Ponzu's brown
10:39Okay, what's going on here?
10:41Are you or are you not the dreaded Cyclops of Illuvia?
10:44The dreaded Cyclops of Illuvia is my father
10:47Please, call me Sai
10:50Hello Sai, I'm Lacoste
10:52Hey, Lacoste, no buddy buddy stuff, we don't know what this guy's up to yet
10:55Well, as you can see, I'm unarmed
10:59Oh, damn
11:01Oh no, I beg to differ
11:03Guys, focus, we're here for the Illuvian bloodstones
11:06That old hunk of junk
11:08Take it, it was my father's
11:10We never saw eye to eye
11:13He despised my decadence
11:15I didn't share his bloodlust
11:19C'est la vie
11:20Well, so what, we could just take that and...
11:25Go?
11:28That's why you came
11:30I get it
11:32No one wants to have cocktails and nosh with a one-eyed monster
11:36And so I drink alone
11:40Again
11:41Sometimes, I wonder why it's called Happy Hour
11:46Aye, Krodd, he's lonely
11:48He feels like a monster
11:50He is a monster!
11:51You could have killed us, but didn't
11:53Yet, yet, I cannot stress that enough
11:55He made Ponzu, he's like the least evil of all the sources
11:59Krodd?
12:00Krodd? Come on, Krodd
12:01Krodd, test the food for poison
12:06Oh, that is lovely
12:08That is lovely
12:11Okay, look
12:12One mojito, a couple of snacks, and then we hit the bricks
12:15Agreed? Agreed
12:17No, you don't have my agree
12:18No!
12:33I'm so sleepy
12:36I'm so sleepy
12:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
12:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
12:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
12:46Annika, truth or bear?
12:50Truth
12:52Have you ever gotten busy with a cyclops?
12:56Oh, I have
13:03um um that's not an automatic no oh i once lay with a troll who lost an eye in battle
13:10does does that count it most certainly does not it counts as the most disgusting thing i've ever
13:16heard i mean where do you draw the line trolls obviously there's no line gods i mean have you
13:22ever 69 an ogre tea bagged an orc tossed a hobgoblin salad master you're only allowed one question
13:29at a time and it's not your turn yet zizzle rick truth or dad oh you know what side i'm
13:36gonna go
13:36ahead and uh i'm gonna pass go just keep it going around oh come on you're such a cow bitch
13:42okay
13:45um because of the name calling all right i'll uh dare side i'm gonna go with dare fantastic
13:52i dare you to go under the water and breathe through my flesh snorkel
13:58oh okay well you win cyclops wins game over oh my gods you swing both ways you're uh
14:07biclops guilty although i've never been one for labels well i suppose you could call me a foodie
14:17oh are you guys buzzed no i'm good i am so buzzed i can see straight i'm fine shall we
14:28go lie by the fire break out the lotion and just get a little weird okay let's do it i
14:36can't i can't even
14:37put lotion on yeah you know what side this has been fun but we should i think we should probably
14:42just get going all good things must come to an end hang your suits on the drying rack i'll go
14:49and
14:49fetch you some warm towels great thank you thank you hey should i say it great guy great guy
14:58shall i say it weird okay he's a freak break out the lotion next to the fireplace he's sick man
15:05let's
15:05get the hell out of here cry he's a bit freaky oh hey si i love how you've integrated organic
15:13elements with a bold modern flare you'll have a great eye thanks like everything in my life i like to
15:19combine unusual elements this candelabra is a nice piece what's it made of femurs
15:27or is it tibias what's this bone right here oh okay it's party time
15:39who could have predicted this huh
16:01well hello there oh did she hurt you should i kill her no she's my mother oh biological or step
16:10step i
16:10guess my blood mother died in childbirth phew because that is not much to look at mother go yes sure
16:21the way woman what are you doing here forgive me i i feel as helpless and as vulnerable as a
16:28turtle after
16:29i've ripped off its shell okay here goes i know you see me as nothing more than a lowly provincial
16:37flunky stark in a go nowhere chancellorship but i am about to activate the most powerful weapon in the
16:44world and use it to kill emperor xenos and seize his crown yeah no it's really impressive isn't it well
16:52the only thing that prevents me from feeling unbridled joy is the knowledge that each night
16:58i lie alone with my empty heart in my empty bed well empty except for the concubines point being
17:06i want to share my life with you
17:15my heart is yours now and forever do with it as you will are you asking me to marry you
17:25woo woo woo woo woo no you know what if marriage is what you want then yes marriage what do
17:47you say
17:51well since i met you i've been orphaned kidnapped betrothed to a royal privy to assassination plots and
18:01while part of me despises you it'd be weird if you didn't another part knows that you can excite
18:06me in ways no other man ever can i say yes
18:25okay uh sorry talk to me what's going on here buddy
18:29well i thought we'd party a little more and then it's go time oh okay i i guess what i'm
18:41asking
18:41is what exactly is go time it's when i sex you all oh okay to death
18:50ah i knew it i knew it y'all don't listen to nothing i say and then i eat it
18:55if any of y'all
18:55survive this just just tell my mom i die literally any other way all right let's get swollen
19:06crott and loquesta start tongue jousting no problem no no no no no no we can't because
19:14we weren't together it would just be awkward wait let me and crott start things off really
19:19boring the handsome warrior and his beautiful maiden so vanilla i need some strain
19:27trust me we've got game oh yeah we're compatible sexually i mean that was never the problem it was
19:32really more about our core value oh i missed this yawn i'm turtling here strange give him some strange
19:42grab my butt all right slow down i'll get there do it now okay
19:47okay okay a little tush play likey likey i'm starting to chop do you feel it oh yeah do you
20:00i mean
20:00this is the throwing star oh wait oh yeah got it hit him in the eye
20:09no no no no no no where's there's a problem the butt stuff the touch play i need a moment
20:16Um, uh, uh, oh, I gotta get that rope around, huh?
20:20You don't want to take me down.
20:22Hurry up!
20:22This is wrong.
20:25Ugh!
20:25Get down, you bugger!
20:27Ah!
20:27Whoa!
20:35Get away, you bitch!
20:38Go on, bugger off!
20:40Shut up, you old cow!
20:46Hold it up a bit, Barnabas.
20:56I am so sorry.
20:59I'm such a mess.
21:02Ever since my break-up with Lisa.
21:05And Chad, I've been such a man-whore.
21:08Humping and eating everything in sight.
21:12I hate myself.
21:14Oh, I've been there.
21:18Father sent me to a talking doctor to sort me out, but...
21:21But let me guess, she's sexting and eating.
21:23Bingo.
21:24All right, guys, let's get dressed and hit the road.
21:27Why not grab some prosciutto on the way out?
21:31It's only gonna go bad...
21:35...like me.
21:41Oh, how many children, John?
21:44Six.
21:45Oh.
21:46Well, ten, if we acknowledge the bastard sons I've already got.
21:50Ten it is.
21:53I love you.
21:56I love you.
21:59You all right, my love?
22:01Oh, yes.
22:02The cool morning air burns my lads.
22:04Oh.
22:09Blood!
22:11Dagger!
22:12You've got the plague!
22:14Oh, does this mean you don't love me?
22:17Love me.
22:27No!
22:28The old me might have pulled the old.
22:31Let me just check the carriage wheel and bolt it.
22:34But the new me is bound to you, body and soul.
22:36I shall ensure that you are leeched by the finest medical minds of our time.
22:41My love, I swear by the gods above, you will not die!
22:47Why?
22:48Why?
22:49Why couldn't it have been you, Barnabas?
22:52Why?
22:56Let it go, Gustav.
22:58I will not let it go.
23:00My father wore people with care atop his head.
23:03As did his father before him, and so his father too.
23:06Sorry, we're late, but this thing's weighing me down.
23:21It is authentic.
23:22I shall add it to our treasury.
23:24I believe this council owes you an apology and a seat at our table.
23:28Do we not, gentlemen?
23:31Welcome to the council.
23:32Tomorrow, we shall furnish you with a proper fighting unit.
23:36We already have a unit.
23:38Not one befitting your new rank.
23:40Hey, they were good enough to get the bloodstone from the Cyclops,
23:42and you don't even want to know what that guy wanted to do to us.
23:45Be that as it may, they must be replaced.
23:49Is this a deal breaker?
23:50It is.
23:51You watch.
23:51This is where he sells us out.
23:53Here it comes.
23:54Well, in that case, we regretfully declined.
23:58That's my boy.
23:59I know.
24:00But, Crot, in our previous encounter,
24:02you seemed less than thrilled with your team.
24:05And for that, I am remiss.
24:08I suppose sometimes the chains of brotherhood
24:11are too weak to be felt until they're too strong to be broken.
24:15Good day, gentlemen.
24:32You had us, but regretfully declined.
24:35This was your last test.
24:37When the enemy is everywhere, loyalty is everything.
24:43Welcome to the council, brother.
24:46And sister.
24:52No hard feelings, Crot?
24:53Nah.
24:54Come here, you puby bastard.
24:58Basking in the glow of his recent triumphs,
25:01Crot felt an unfamiliar sensation swell in his chest.
25:05Pride.
25:06But as the adage has it, pride goeth before a fool.
25:11Come on.
25:13Yeah, what's up, Ray?
25:15I was planning on taking my schooner out on Lake Cormada tomorrow,
25:18but I'm in desperate need of a first mate.
25:20Oh.
25:21Aye, aye, Captain.
25:22I was thinking of Annika.
25:24Oh.
25:25Now, Bruce intimated that you and she have a history,
25:27and I would simply hate to trespass on any lingering emotional-
25:31Oh, no.
25:31Come on, Ray.
25:32You're safe.
25:32Menches before wenches.
25:34Guy code, 101.
25:35Marvellous.
25:37Oh, but, um, just between us,
25:39uh, don't expect too much from her emotionally.
25:41Poor kid's still pretty banged up in here.
25:43Sorry.
25:44I had to find a lube steward to fill my gourd.
25:47Let's go, Ray.
25:50Farewell, my friends.
25:51Long live the resistance.
25:53To the resistance.
25:55Yah!
25:57I don't think she's gonna be giving him much resistance.
25:59Yes.
26:01You got me, master.
26:03Is it just me, or is that a lot of lube for one weekend?
26:07Hmm.
26:08Hmm.
26:12Nor was Crods the only heart in Hessemule,
26:15enduring the pain of lost love.
26:19Sir.
26:21Think I might have something.
26:23Strengthen your blighted spirits.
26:26Nothing can mend my broken heart.
26:32Nothing, sir?
26:34Nothing, sir?
26:47The focal lens for the eye of Kulka Krebner.
27:04Barnabas, when all else fails me, you always manage to come through.
27:12I thank you with all my heart.
27:17Now leave, would you?
27:18I've sent for some wenches.
27:19You're kind of a buzzkill.
27:30I've got the lens!
27:32Ha, ha, ha, ha!
27:33I've got the lens!
27:35Don Galore has acquired not only the eye, but also the focal stone.
27:41All Don Galore needs now is the fuel.
27:43The tears of a pagan woman.
27:46The Mermindars have reigned the pagan village!
27:48It took all our women!
27:50Pagan women don't cry.
27:52So, nothing can make your precious pagan tears fall, eh?
28:01Krod Mandun is dead.
28:04Joy!
28:10And Krod's back on BBC HD next Thursday with another new episode.
28:15Next tonight, time to get that Mitchell and Webb look.
28:27You're a fan of Bungie.
28:37You're a fan of Bungie.
Comments