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FunTranscript
00:21Welcome to my cafe.
00:23I am happy to tell you that life here is back to normal.
00:26The two English airmen who were hiding here have been taken away by the resistance and
00:32are being hidden in a nearby nunnery.
00:35The painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klump, which I was hiding
00:40in my cellar, is now in the possession of Air Flick of the Gestapo.
00:45I have been shot dead.
00:49And I am now posing as my own twin brother.
00:53Of course, nobody knows this, except my wife, the servants, and my wife's mother.
00:59And the German commandant, and his assistant, and his secretary, and most of the French resistance.
01:04But that is all.
01:05Now, the banging that you can hear is my demented widow, who is in the back room looking for
01:11my will, which leaves everything that I possess to her.
01:15I am not worried.
01:16She can bang all day.
01:18The will is safely hidden in a secret compartment behind the cuckoo clock, where she will never
01:24find it.
01:25Good morning, Arnie.
01:26Ah, good morning, Lieutenant.
01:28This is the man that shot me.
01:31He fancies me like mad.
01:34Perhaps it is the apron.
01:37Your cheeks are a very good, fresh color today.
01:41And you have an impish look in your eye.
01:47It has suddenly disappeared.
01:50What a good idea.
01:57Open this door.
01:58Edith, open the door.
01:59I have found it.
02:00I have found it.
02:02I have found the will of my late husband.
02:05There is no need to make such a song and dance about it.
02:08Give it to me, Edith.
02:10After all, I am the executor.
02:12It is not addressed to you.
02:14No, but it would go without saying that René would want his brother as an executor.
02:18It has gone without saying.
02:21Gather on, everyone.
02:22While I read to you the last will and testament of my dear departed husband, who was shot by
02:29the Germans.
02:31Or does you know?
02:32Listen, he leave everything to me.
02:37I, René Atrois, being of sound mind...
02:41I would dispute that for a start.
02:44...to hereby leave all of which I stand possessed to my dear unfaithful wife, who has comforted
02:51me and filled me with joy during the happy days of my marriage.
02:56I wrote that on the honeymoon.
03:00What a beautiful phrase.
03:03Look, there is something written on the back.
03:06Ah, no way.
03:06P.S.
03:07To Yvette.
03:09I can hardly read it.
03:11It is as if his hand was shaking.
03:14To Yvette, who has served so devotedly under me, I leave the collapsible so far in the parlour.
03:26That so far is not collapsible.
03:28It is, unless you put a book under it.
03:32P.S. to Maria.
03:35I leave this small billiard table, which has given us both so many moments of pleasure.
03:41I never saw you playing in there.
03:43Oh, if René would make me shut the door and put a chair under the knob.
03:46What were you doing that you did not want to be interrupted?
03:49Why ask me?
03:51I am dead, remember?
03:54Anyway, he has done the right thing by me.
03:57Everything is now mine, to have and to hold, till death do me part.
04:02He was a good man.
04:04There was something soft and sensitive about him.
04:08Although, like you, he could be a little distant at times.
04:11We are a cautious family.
04:13We will drink to his memory.
04:17Well, do not pour too much. That is my best cognac.
04:19Is best cognac. And now, it is my best cognac.
04:27To his memory.
04:29To his memory.
04:32Oh, it is over. It is done.
04:41What are you up to now?
04:43I am going to buy myself a new hat.
04:46Why do you want a new hat?
04:49You must remember, I am a rich widow in the prime of my life.
04:54This evening, Mama will promenade me in the square.
04:57Some handsome man will gaze upon me in my new hat.
05:00Who is that, he will ask.
05:02It is a rich widow at once, they will reply.
05:05Oh, how young and slender she looks.
05:09I must pay my respects to her, he will say.
05:12And maybe tomorrow morning, he will be at my door.
05:15Bearing a beautiful bouquet of sweet-smelling roses.
05:20Provided his guide dog can find the house.
05:29Lieutenant Gruber.
05:31Colonel.
05:32Is that your armored car outside?
05:34Does it have a little dent in the wing?
05:36It does.
05:37Then yes, it is mine.
05:39Then please move it.
05:40You are in my parking place.
05:42The Colonel likes to park under the tree.
05:44Otherwise his seat gets very hot.
05:46My apologies, Colonel.
05:52Hans, why are you sitting down?
05:55Because my legs are rather tired.
05:57Hans, I am a Colonel, you are a Captain.
06:01You do not sit down before I sit down.
06:04You do not stand up before I stand up.
06:08Colonel does everything first.
06:11I am sorry, Colonel.
06:12Well, then be more careful.
06:14You are getting very slack.
06:16Now, gentlemen, what can I get you to drink?
06:19The Colonel will be ordering.
06:25Two cognacs.
06:27Maria, two cognacs.
06:28On Captain Goering's account.
06:31They have one or two delicate matters to attend to.
06:35Well, Maria and Yvette are at your disposal, Colonel, but could you book early because Friday is a very busy
06:42day.
06:43That is not what I want to talk about.
06:45But make a note of it. We'll come back to it later.
06:49Now, René, I am Commandant of the Star.
06:52I cannot continue to turn a blind eye to your hiding British airman in your café.
06:57But, Colonel, you are turning a blind eye because I was hiding your stolen painting of the fallen Madonna with
07:03the big boobies in my cellar.
07:05Not anymore.
07:07That painting is now in the hands of Herr Flick, of the Gestapo.
07:12Together with two forgeries.
07:14So you'll no longer have a hold over me, René.
07:17If I want to shoot you, I only have to say the word.
07:21Fire.
07:21Yeah.
07:23Do not worry, Colonel. The British airmen are gone. For good.
07:27Excellent. Then, if you will tell me the names of the resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.
07:34Protected? Against who?
07:36Me.
07:38Well, Colonel, I do not know their names.
07:41They are mostly girls. They wear Macintoshes and little short white socks and berets, like any other French girls.
07:48And they only reveal themselves at night.
07:52Like any other French girl.
07:55I wish I could get my hands on them.
07:57We both do.
08:01If you do not cooperate, René, I will have you shot.
08:04Oh, Colonel, you wouldn't.
08:06We would. We did it before.
08:09Colonel, I do not wish you to think badly of me, you understand, but I did take the precaution of
08:15writing a letter,
08:16which tells how you helped the resistance to blow up the railway line, how you stole that painting in the
08:22first place.
08:22Now, the letter is signed by the old village, and the moment I am arrested, it is to be placed
08:28into the hands of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
08:30Herr Flick of the Gestapo? You wouldn't.
08:33He would.
08:35I think it is checkmate, Herr Colonel.
08:39René, you are smarter than I thought.
08:43Thank you, Colonel.
08:45Now, if I may suggest we just wipe the slate clean, eh?
08:48Now, you have no painting, I have no airmen.
08:51But on the other hand, I do have the girls.
08:54Please respect to point one.
08:57Shall we say nine o'clock?
08:59Agreed.
09:00Now, wait.
09:01With the wet celery and the flying helmet.
09:07And a great big steaming plate of spaghetti bolognese and three feet of elastic.
09:15Hans, just between the two of us, what exactly have you got in mind?
09:20Well, I thought I would have a quick snack while Maria repairs my long winter underwear.
09:40You sent for me, Herr Flick?
09:41You are late.
09:43Go into the inner chamber.
09:50Stop.
09:52Take out your handkerchief.
09:59Wipe your lips.
10:04Replace the handkerchief.
10:12Turn around.
10:15You may kiss me.
10:30Six out of ten.
10:33And out of four for the garlic.
10:37May I sit down?
10:38No.
10:39Remain standing.
10:41I have a problem.
10:43Dare I ask what it is?
10:45Yes.
10:50I have three fallen Madonnas with six big boobies.
10:56What is the problem?
10:58Only one of them is real.
11:01Only one big boobie?
11:03One painting.
11:05One is a forgery commissioned by myself.
11:09One arrived mysteriously at my headquarters.
11:13One is genuine.
11:15I hid them all rolled up in my high Gestapo boots.
11:18A peasant tidied the room and mixed them all up.
11:22Now I do not know which is which.
11:24Why do you not send for the man who forged them?
11:26He will be able to identify the real one.
11:29That is a very good idea.
11:33Unfortunately, he is not available.
11:35Why not?
11:37He fell out of a Gestapo car,
11:40over a bridge, under a railway line,
11:42and was run over by the Berlin Express.
11:46It was an accident.
11:49Of course, Herr Flick.
11:50The real painting I wish to retain to sell after the war.
11:54To provide for us when we are married.
11:58Herr Flick.
11:59I think I should tell you that I have a friend in the army
12:01with whom I have been corresponding in an earnest and meaningful manner.
12:07Give me his name, rank and number,
12:09and he will not be a problem.
12:13On second thoughts,
12:14he does not have your forceful, commanding, dominating and ruthless personality,
12:22which draws me to you like a bee to a pot of jam.
12:26I will put the kettle on.
12:31You will find for me a man with knowledge of painting,
12:34who will decide beyond all doubt which is the real Van Klomp.
12:39Yes, Herr Flick.
12:44Maria, you should not do that unless I am here to hold you.
12:47You could so easily fall.
12:49Maria!
12:52René, I must talk to you.
12:54I am listening with one ear.
12:57We may be observed.
12:59We must meet in private.
13:01Let us rendezvous in the broom cupboard down to the stairs.
13:05You are making the curl come out of my ear.
13:08Oh, René!
13:09Yes, all right, I agree.
13:11Yes, in ten minutes.
13:13Connor, your wife is coming downstairs.
13:19Well, what do you think?
13:29Why are you wearing on your head a dead end?
13:36And why are you taking more money?
13:38I have to buy refreshments for Mama and Monsieur Leclerc.
13:41And who knows, maybe my suitor.
13:44If you go on like this, you will soon be a poor widow.
13:48Madame, I have placed the bus chair of your mother outside the cafe door.
13:54Why are you all dressed up like the dinner of a dog?
13:58I, Leclerc, am to be the pusher.
14:02It is going to be like a circus out there.
14:04We are going to be the laughing stock of the old village.
14:07Come on, my love, are you ready?
14:10Come along.
14:11Well, nobody come to my assistant.
14:16Oh!
14:22The teeth have dropped out of my fox.
14:26If you want to look really smart, you could give it your spare set.
14:33Oh, Fanny, how the years have fallen away.
14:38How everything has fallen away.
14:40Oh, Fanny.
14:45I remember how Dapper and John to you were.
14:51Yes, I remember.
14:54What a pity you are so decrepit now.
15:00Ah, yes.
15:02But I can still twirl my cane.
15:06A lot of good that is going to do us.
15:15Mama, you have not mentioned my new act.
15:18It looks like a dead end.
15:21It looks like a dead end.
15:25Ready?
15:27Rich widow.
15:29Get your rich widow.
15:32Rich widow.
15:33It's really clear.
15:34I think we should be a little more subtle than that.
15:39Fairly rich widow.
15:47Maria.
15:48Renée.
15:49Shut the door.
15:52Renée, my love.
15:59Renée?
16:00Why are you so formal and strong?
16:02I am impaled upon the handle of the Uber.
16:10Oh, that is better.
16:14What?
16:17Now that you are no longer married to Edith, will you make good your promise to me?
16:23Well, it is not going to be easy in a broom cupboard.
16:27Your promise to marry me.
16:30Oh.
16:30Oh, that promise.
16:32Well, it is a little bit difficult.
16:33You see, I have left all my money to my wife.
16:36I can get money for us.
16:38Men pay me for my favours.
16:40Oh, but Maria, you know I hate queuing.
16:44No, my dear.
16:45You must be patient for a little while longer.
16:50Renée.
16:50Hmm?
16:51Promise me that no other girl will take my place.
16:54With such deep stares, how could they?
17:02Oh, Yvette.
17:04What are you doing?
17:05Somebody has removed the book from under the sofa in the pillow.
17:09What?
17:10Oh, Frank Harris.
17:12Yes, just about the right size.
17:15Renée.
17:16What?
17:17Now that you are free, when are we going to announce our engagement?
17:22Oh, dear sweet Yvette, we must not be too hasty.
17:25I have to find a way of getting my hands back on my money.
17:28Oh.
17:29You could poison your wife.
17:31Ah.
17:32With her cooking, she has become immune.
17:35No, we will have to find another way.
17:37Meanwhile, we have to lie low.
17:39Ah, on the sofa?
17:40Not as low as that.
17:43Oh, Renée.
17:44Huh?
17:44Promise me that nothing will ever come between us.
17:48I am doing my best.
17:54Can you feel my little heart bounding and bounding?
17:59I can hear it.
18:08Is the coast clear?
18:10We are 50 miles from the coast.
18:14Something very important has just come up.
18:18How long have you been out there?
18:25The two airmen have left the nunnery.
18:27Good.
18:28Now perhaps Yvette and I can continue to discuss the menu for tonight.
18:32They left because the Germans came to search for them.
18:35They are on the run.
18:37Well, that is your problem, not mine.
18:39I don't care if I never see their stupid faces ever again.
18:42Hello!
18:47It is the airmen.
18:49I would never have known.
18:51Well, look.
18:52Do not let them come in here.
18:53You speak the language.
18:54Tell them to go away.
18:56Now listen, chaps.
18:57Renée's been awfully decent putting you up here,
18:59but you have outstayed your welcome.
19:01We can't walk around as nuns all day.
19:05The cherries keep trying to chat us up.
19:08Didn't they suspect the moustache?
19:09You think mine's bigger to see the mother superiors?
19:12We're not going back to the nunnery.
19:14Fairfax mucked up his needlework
19:16and we had to spend hours scrubbing the steps.
19:19Look!
19:22Why is he showing you his knees?
19:24He was a scrubber at the nunnery.
19:28No wonder they threw him out.
19:31And not tell them to go away.
19:33Oh, listen to me, Renée.
19:34You are a vital link in the escape route for British Airmen.
19:38This is a safe house.
19:39Not for me it isn't.
19:41Let us come to the crunch.
19:43The crunch?
19:44The nitty gritty.
19:46Are you a collaborator or are you with the resistance?
19:49Is that thing loaded?
19:51I am desperate.
19:53I have one up the spout.
19:56That would make you desperate.
19:58Well?
20:00Look, I am on your side, Michel.
20:03At the same time I have a business to run.
20:05Now I cannot go around being rude to the Germans.
20:08Not in front of their faces anyway.
20:10I will put out my tongue at them from time to time when their backs are turned.
20:14Or put a little extra salt in their soup.
20:16But we must be reasonable.
20:20It is the colonel and the captain.
20:22The colonel is backing under the tree.
20:24Oh, no.
20:25I think they are coming in here.
20:27Oh, my God.
20:27He must not see them.
20:28Get them out of there.
20:29Through the window.
20:29No, they can't go that way.
20:31There was a driver with a gun.
20:33Quick, through here.
20:35Renée, the colonel and captain are approaching.
20:37Well, keep them busy while I think of a good reason why I've got two nuns in my back room.
20:42The organ fund?
20:43The organ fund with my reputation?
20:46Go, go.
20:47Keep them busy.
20:49Greetings, colonel.
20:51Uh, is there any refreshment that you would like that is not on a high shelf?
20:56No, thank you, my dear.
20:57We have business with Renée.
20:59Is he in the back room?
21:00No.
21:01Good.
21:02Leave this to be private.
21:04We will wait in there as we find him.
21:06Oh, my God.
21:07Quick.
21:08Get them down.
21:09Take these.
21:10Yvette, take these.
21:12And them out.
21:14Stand back.
21:18Would you rather wait in my room?
21:20Stand aside.
21:35Am I interrupting something?
21:40Renée is having a special service for his late departed brother.
21:44He's not dead.
21:46The church don't know that.
21:47They were going to have a big one in the cathedral.
21:50But it's worked out cheaper.
21:53His lips are muttering in silent prayer.
21:56It is very moving.
21:57In that case, take your hat off.
22:01Who is Frank Harris?
22:04He was a prophet.
22:07Hans.
22:09Give it to me.
22:19I've no idea they played leapfrog in heaven.
22:25Is there something I can do for you, Colonel?
22:27Helge, my secretary, has been instructed to take Lieutenant Gruber to Gestapo headquarters.
22:33Does he know anything?
22:35I do not think so, Colonel.
22:37No.
22:37Renée has always been very careful not to drop anything in front of him.
22:43Would you excuse us, Colonel?
22:45We are just going into the finale.
22:55I think we should go.
22:58I find the presence of nuns very uplifting.
23:01You must definitely go.
23:09I have done precisely as you instructed, Herr Flick.
23:11I searched the records and discovered that Lieutenant Gruber was for a short while in civilian life
23:17an assistant in an art gallery in Cologne.
23:20Was that before or after he was a window dresser?
23:24After.
23:25Let us hope he can solve my problem.
23:27I will interview him.
23:32Bring him in here!
23:51Do you have any further instructions for the soldier?
23:54None.
23:56Go away!
24:03I must apologize for the manner in which you are brought to my headquarters.
24:07That is quite all right.
24:10Actually, I...
24:11I rather enjoyed it.
24:14That soldier who brought me, he has very broad shoulders.
24:19I have made inquiries into your background and interests.
24:23You have, shall we say, artistic leanings.
24:27If you say so.
24:30I am going to put you to the test.
24:39Have you any immediate reactions to these?
24:43Nothing worth reporting.
24:46Try harder.
24:50Are they of Helga?
24:52Are they of Helga?
24:52They are most definitely not Helga.
24:56Perhaps you would like to take a closer look.
24:59Do I have to?
25:01Maybe this will help you.
25:03I would have thought it hardly necessary.
25:05One is genuine, two are forgeries, which is which?
25:10Ah.
25:13This is an early fun clump.
25:17How do you know?
25:18When he was taller, he signed his paintings further up.
25:24You have to?
25:25Yes.
25:26This is the genuine painting.
25:29Are you sure?
25:30This is definitely the brushwork of the master.
25:33When he got to this little bit here,
25:36he always finished off with a little circle and a dot.
25:42Excellent.
25:44Now, you understand it is most important
25:47that you tell no one what you have seen.
25:50You have my word, Hefric.
25:52This is not enough.
25:53Sit in that chair.
26:07What are you going to do?
26:11The Gestapo has ways of ensuring silence.
26:18Helga, he is ready.
26:33You know what to do?
26:35Yes, Hefric.
26:47Watch the birdie.
26:50Good. That is enough, Helga.
26:59You know, of course, what would happen if I sent this picture to your commanding officer.
27:05I don't think he would ever speak to me again.
27:12Have the Colonel and the Captain gone?
27:14Of course they have. They left over an hour ago.
27:17Then why did you not tell me?
27:19I have been hiding behind the curtains holding my brass.
27:22Where are the airmen?
27:24Don't worry. We have hidden them.
27:27We have put them in a secret place.
27:28Someone is coming.
27:29I will recede down the back passage.
27:35Go away!
27:37We are not open.
27:38I know that. I own the damn place.
27:44Now come inside and stop making an exhibition of yourselves.
27:48What an afternoon, oh my dear beautiful little Ediths.
27:54I am so proud of her.
27:57Save her round her like flies.
28:00I expect her hat had gone off.
28:03Now quick, we are late opening.
28:05Yvette, Maria, take this silly old bat upstairs and put her to bed.
28:08Mom! Mom!
28:09You, LeClaire, take off your hat, put on your apron, wash those dirty glasses behind the bar.
28:13I have no idea it was so late.
28:16Oh, what a day I have had.
28:18So many compliments.
28:20So many raised hats.
28:21Probably their air was standing on end.
28:24See? See?
28:25Many of them gave me their cards.
28:28Serviettes and catering supplies.
28:31The hat shop.
28:33Dino rod.
28:36Tonight, I will sing as I have never sang before.
28:40What, in tune?
28:42Mr. LeClaire.
28:43Play for me a few cards while I practice my scales.
28:47Edith, we have no time for scales.
28:48Already we are full of customers.
28:50Good evening, gentlemen.
28:51Mr. LeClaire.
28:52A card in C.
28:55Oh!
28:59Ah!
29:03The piano is up the creek.
29:07It did this last week.
29:09Ah, eh.
29:10René!
29:10Yeah?
29:11The piano has gone wrong again.
29:13Fix it while I serve the customers a drink.
29:16Oh, it is the mice.
29:18They seek refuge in there when you sing.
29:20Sometimes they get trapped.
29:30Ah!
29:32Ah!
29:32Ah!
29:34Captain!
29:35How nice that you should come into my cafe at this precise moment.
29:39Edith, er, give the Colonel one, will you?
29:42Why?
29:42I am not capturing my scales.
29:44There is no time for scales, Edith.
29:46Very well.
29:47I will go straight into myself.
29:48No, Edith!
29:49You must not sing.
29:51But, René!
29:51You must not.
29:52We have new customers.
29:53Yes, ma'am.
29:54Do you have any requests, gentlemen?
29:55No.
29:56Sing as, er, Lily Marlene.
29:57Here we are.
29:58Oh!
29:59Monsieur Leclerc...
30:00No, no, no, no!
30:01Lily Marlene!
30:03Er...
30:06Lily Marlene!
30:07Look, oh, look.
30:10One, two, three, four...
30:12Binkie binkie boy...
30:17Binkie binkie boy...
30:19Cheese vodka!
30:21For me, Mr. Tender
30:24That you would be, you would always be
30:29My lilium, my lilium
31:03My lilium
31:47My lilium
31:51My lilium
31:51My lilium
31:52My lilium
31:53My lilium
31:54My lilium
31:55My lilium
31:55My lilium
31:55My lilium
31:55My lilium
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