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00:24Yesterday was for me a very bad day.
00:27I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do, and General von Klinkeroffen,
00:34a very important kraut, had me shot at door.
00:38But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's
00:44rifles so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.
00:50Needless to say, I owe them a favour.
00:59René, now that things are back to normal...
01:01Almost normal?
01:02We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...
01:06Snow!
01:09René, now that things are back to almost normal, I think you owe me a favour.
01:15Of course, Colonel. Yvette or Maria?
01:22Decide.
01:26No contest.
01:28In half an hour?
01:30Perfect.
01:31Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.
01:34What's that, René?
01:35Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular
01:39customer of mine.
01:41Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?
01:46We thought of that.
01:48We think of everything, Colonel.
01:50We told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.
01:57What a brilliant idea, Colonel.
02:00How do you think of these things?
02:02We have to be on our toes.
02:04He's looking forward to meeting you.
02:06Do you think it will work?
02:08Of course.
02:09You look exactly like yourself.
02:12You are most reassuring, Colonel.
02:14Oh, one other thing.
02:15I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.
02:18Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?
02:21René, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.
02:24That's not fair on Hans.
02:29Oh, I'll manage somehow.
02:35Well, Helge, sit down.
02:39Have you seen Herr Fleck of the Gestapo?
02:41Yes, I carried out your instructions.
02:44I told him René has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the catholic.
02:48Did he believe her?
02:49After some interrogation.
02:51Why did he interrogate you?
02:52It was raining, so we decided not to go out.
02:59Dear Sippard, will nobody come to help me?
03:06Here we are, Mama.
03:08Oh, not more onion soup.
03:11No, today we have a treat.
03:15Harakot beans.
03:16Oh.
03:18More than an old woman can bear.
03:22But no matter.
03:23Come proceed this.
03:25Now Zach René is dead.
03:29Have you found his will?
03:31Mama, he is not dead.
03:33He is down below.
03:35Oh, well.
03:36The life he led, I am not surprised.
03:39Now, Edith, you must marry again.
03:43Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?
03:47He owns the Hotel Grand Place.
03:49He has a café.
03:51Mama, René is not dead.
03:53He has a bigger one than René.
03:58Do not fill your head with such things.
04:01I must go.
04:02I have much to do.
04:03Now, Edith, what are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?
04:11There are no airmen in your wardrobe.
04:13We have hidden them in the inn house.
04:17Airmen in the inn house.
04:20Yes.
04:21Sometimes I think I go wrong the twist.
04:29Maria.
04:30Yvette.
04:32The two German officers in half an hour.
04:34Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?
04:38Not this time.
04:39This one is on the house.
04:41René, what about the resistance?
04:43You know we have to give them ten percent.
04:46They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.
04:50Take it out of the till.
04:58Allow me to introduce myself.
05:01I am Lieutenant Gruber.
05:03I was a very close friend of your brother.
05:06Ah, my twin brother, René.
05:08Yes, yes.
05:08It was very sad.
05:11Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.
05:15Yes, I know.
05:16Orders, you understand.
05:17I hope you will not hold it against me.
05:21I will try not to.
05:24Your usual?
05:25Whatever that may be.
05:28That is my usual.
05:29How extraordinary.
05:32You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to René.
05:36I know.
05:38You even have the same pretty rings.
05:40Ah, yes.
05:41Yes, yes.
05:41He left them to me.
05:43Now I come to look.
05:44Your eyelashes are a little longer.
05:47And your hands are more artistic.
05:51The Colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.
05:55Yes, he is quite right.
05:56Is that where you and René were born?
05:58Yes, we were both Nancy boys.
06:06René, I must talk to you.
06:08We have to feed the ends.
06:14She called you René.
06:16That is very strange.
06:17Ah, yeah.
06:18Well, you see, we were so alike.
06:20There did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.
06:25So they called you both René.
06:26That must have been very confusing.
06:29Oh, no, no.
06:29They called us René 1 and René 2.
06:32Are you one?
06:33No, I am definitely two.
06:40Otto, what brings you here?
06:43I am here on official business.
06:44You will refer to me as Herr Flick.
06:47Yes, Herr Flick.
06:47And stand up when you talk to me.
06:49Yes, Herr Flick.
06:50Come here.
06:51Yes, Herr Flick.
06:55You are wearing perfume.
06:56You gave it to me, Herr Flick.
06:58That is no excuse.
07:00Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.
07:04Even if they are girls.
07:06Turn around.
07:09At least your hair is tidy.
07:11Turn around.
07:12Yes, Herr Flick.
07:13You wish me to tell the colonel that you are here?
07:15No.
07:17I will tell him myself.
07:19You wish me to kiss you?
07:21Well, just a little one.
07:34Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36You are welcome.
07:41Helena!
07:47Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.
07:50So it seems.
07:52We were just reading how well the war is going.
07:55There is a very good picture of the Fuhrer on page three.
07:59I understand you shot the saboteur.
08:02Yes, Herr Flick.
08:03Was there any peasants present at the execution?
08:06A few, Herr Flick.
08:07Did you take their names?
08:09Did you take their names, Hans?
08:11Er, I think there was one called Bobby.
08:14Fool!
08:15They might have been members of the Resistance.
08:17They might have been members of the Resistance, Hans.
08:20But you gave me no orders.
08:21That is no excuse.
08:22You should have asked them their names and addresses.
08:25You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like the clappers.
08:30This being the case, you must attend the funeral.
08:33Funeral?
08:34Funeral?
08:34To the Resistance, he's a hero.
08:37They will come to pay their respects.
08:40I will observe from a discreet distance.
08:42You will obtain names and photographs.
08:45Helena!
08:45Helena!
08:46Clop!
08:53Carstairs, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.
08:58I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.
09:02I wish you would.
09:03I'm just hungry.
09:13Oh!
09:15Dinner time!
09:19It's that Resistance girl, Michelle.
09:21Hello, chaps.
09:22Sorry about the cramped quarters.
09:24I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.
09:27It's not exactly luxurious, you know.
09:30Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.
09:34I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.
09:37Oh, good show!
09:38By the way, we're jolly thirsty.
09:42See the button on that feeder there?
09:44Press it with your nose and the trough will fill with water.
09:46Hey!
09:47Thank you!
09:49Toodle-oo!
09:50Toodle-oo!
09:52Yvette!
09:53Quick!
09:54I want you upstairs!
09:55Oh!
09:56It is the wireless!
10:00Mama, we have to use of adieu under your bed.
10:04Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?
10:08Mama, René is not dead.
10:10I saw it in full.
10:13I heard the shots with my own ear-trumpet.
10:17Ah!
10:18He has come towards me!
10:20Calls the priest!
10:22It is, René!
10:23He is alive!
10:24No, no, no!
10:25He is a phantom!
10:27See, my stick goes through him!
10:29You stupid old bat!
10:31Are you trying to kill me or something?
10:33Oh!
10:34It is a miracle!
10:36Oh, Tom Maurice's wedding is cancelled!
10:40Take no notice of her.
10:41Get the better.
10:42One, two, three!
10:44Oh!
10:47Oh, my God!
10:49Oh!
10:53Who is this Monsieur Maurice?
10:55He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a café.
10:57But why does she want you to marry him?
11:00He has a bigger one than you are.
11:04But René does more behind the bar.
11:07This is true.
11:11Hello, hello.
11:12This is Nighthawk.
11:14Are you receiving me?
11:15Over.
11:16London is receiving you.
11:18Pass your message.
11:20Over.
11:21The N's are still in the N house.
11:24Over.
11:25Over.
11:26What is so strange about that?
11:30Over.
11:31The two airmen want to go home.
11:35Over.
11:36Please use the code.
11:38Over.
11:39The N's are still in the N house.
11:42Over.
11:44Roger, Nighthawk.
11:45Now, listen very carefully.
11:48The big one will arrive at midnight.
11:52Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell you?
11:56Shut up!
11:57This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.
12:01That must be the new uniforms for the German officers,
12:04which they no longer need,
12:05and the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.
12:10Thank you, London.
12:11Over and out and things.
12:14There's a man downstairs.
12:15He says he is an undertaker.
12:17But what does he want?
12:18He has come to measure you for the coffin.
12:21Oh, I forgot I was dead.
12:27Oh, hey.
12:29Good afternoon.
12:30Good afternoon.
12:31My name is Alphonse, director of funerals.
12:34My card.
12:35Ah, thank you.
12:38Swiftly and with style.
12:41I like that.
12:44This is the wife.
12:46Oh, my brother, René.
12:47The dead one.
12:51And this lady?
12:52Oh, that is Yvette.
12:54A seven, girl.
12:55I used to work under the deceased.
13:04Sad occasion.
13:05Tragic.
13:08Where is the body?
13:09In the office.
13:11Well, we have been moving him about a bit.
13:14Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.
13:18But first, we must decide on some distressing details.
13:22Of course, sir.
13:24If Monsieur would like.
13:29Now, first.
13:31The coffin.
13:34Oak.
13:35Elm.
13:36Ash.
13:37Pine.
13:45Which do you favour?
13:47Do you not have something a little bigger?
13:54These are samples of the wood.
13:58Oak is 35,000 franc.
14:01Ash.
14:0225,000 franc.
14:04Elm, 15,000.
14:06Pine, 10,000 franc.
14:07This is very expensive.
14:10Do you not have something in orange box?
14:14We must have oak.
14:16All my neighbours will expect it.
14:18Edith, I am paying for this.
14:20No wonder you really ate me in front of my neighbours.
14:23Oak.
14:24Now, as you have chosen the oak, you shall always want the bronze handles.
14:30They'll last longer.
14:33Why should this be an advantage when not pulling him up again?
14:37And the brass nameplate with the letters inlaid in silver.
14:41Might I suggest...
14:44To my beloved husband...
14:47Sadly missed.
14:51Excuse me, may I say something?
14:54They shot him.
14:56You cannot have sadly missed.
15:04What does Madame suggest?
15:06He was brave.
15:08He died for France.
15:12Long live de Gaulle.
15:14Who?
15:16De Gaulle.
15:18You know, the one who scarpered.
15:20Oh, I've been doing so grandiose.
15:24There should be a poem.
15:27The rifle's fired.
15:29The bullet's hit.
15:31Oh, we shall miss that little man.
15:37And pray it didn't hurt a bit.
15:40Yes.
15:48That would be at 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs.
15:5212,000 francs?
15:54Just put to buy.
15:57I will pay.
15:59There is provision in the will.
16:00What will?
16:01I found it.
16:02It was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother.
16:06It leaves everything to me.
16:09I think there will very likely be another will.
16:13Well, now, it only remains for me to measure, if you will pardon me.
16:18The body.
16:20Oh, well, that is no problem.
16:22I am his twin brother.
16:23You can measure me.
16:24Monsieur, I am professional.
16:27We have our etiquette.
16:28If it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body,
16:32every undertaker in France would laugh.
16:35Ah, well, that would be unusual, I'm sure.
16:40Well, perhaps, before you measure, if you will pardon me, the body,
16:44you would like a cognac.
16:45Oh, that is most kind.
16:47Yvette.
16:50Edith, when Monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac,
16:54show him the body in the office.
16:56But René...
16:57Er, René's body, that's right.
16:59Yes.
17:00Monsieur Alphonse, I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you.
17:02It is very difficult for me, you understand.
17:05Of course, of course, Monsieur.
17:06Oh, you can do it.
17:08Yes, sir.
17:08I want to leave you.
17:09Yes, sir.
17:12Yes, sir.
17:12Well, if that one was worse than your cat...
17:17Yes, sir.
17:29Yes, sir.
17:29Go, I think, go.
17:29I hope you can move the cab.
17:30I hope you do not get the cab.
17:35There is an affair.
17:44It is the unquiet spirit of my husband.
17:59Are we ready?
18:01I hope so.
18:12Sorry.
18:15Forse of a bitch.
18:32Madam.
19:01Why does he have flour on his face?
19:06When he was arrested, he was making a roly-poly pudding.
19:12Just think, we will never see his roly-poly again.
19:34Before I go, I will need the signature of the brother-in-law.
19:42Where do you think he is at the moment?
19:45Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he
19:50can.
20:18I will not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar.
20:25Are you finished?
20:28It is all done.
20:30How did he look?
20:32Terrible.
20:33Did you see me, monsieur?
20:35Of course.
20:40Thank you, sir.
20:46Oh, sir.
20:53I have left my tape measure.
20:58We'll get it for you.
21:09Who is that?
21:10Don't open the door till I put the lid on.
21:14It's Michelle's resistance.
21:16What does she want?
21:18Well, how do I know?
21:19Open the door and find out.
21:23Quick, all of you, inside.
21:25What is happening?
21:27Last night, the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies did not come by parachute.
21:31These did.
21:32They are being pursued by a German patrol.
21:34You must hide them for us.
21:35Well, what are they?
21:37Anti-tank mans.
21:39Treat them very gently.
21:41Keep a cool head.
21:42If the Germans find them, you will be shot.
21:44Well, at these prices, I cannot afford another funeral.
21:48We must go through the back.
21:52Well, where am I supposed to hide these?
21:55You will think of something.
21:57But, Harry, the Germans may have seen us enter.
21:59Oh, German soldiers coming towards us.
22:02Oh, heck.
22:03Quick, in the coffin.
22:05Not you, these.
22:09What is all these bottles doing in the coffin of my husband?
22:13They are to make it heavy, so that when they lift it up, they think I am in it.
22:17Quick, the rest.
22:20Oh.
22:21Wait till I put the lid on.
22:27What do you want?
22:29We demand anchorage.
22:30Stand aside.
22:33Why do you bother a poor woman in a time of grief?
22:36We are hunting members of the resistance, and they came in through this door.
22:41We thought they were customers, but they came straight through and out the back.
22:45Did you see their faces?
22:46No.
22:48We were busy doing the screwing.
23:01What's going on?
23:02What were the soldiers doing?
23:04They were following the resistance.
23:06René, you must stop seeing those people.
23:09If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.
23:12And you might tell him about us.
23:13Oh, I would die before I did that, Colonel.
23:16I would try to arrange it.
23:19Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?
23:21Yes, Colonel.
23:22Yes, sir.
23:23Just finished.
23:24Yes.
23:26Hunt the black bands.
23:29Are you coming to the funeral, Colonel?
23:31Of course.
23:31We were very fond of you.
23:37One word of warning.
23:39Herr Flick will be observing from the bushes.
23:42Make sure no members of the resistance are there.
23:45Oh, of course, Colonel.
23:47Thank you for telling me.
23:53What's that?
23:53I paid for the bells.
23:56All the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects.
24:00How much did they cost?
24:02It was very cheap.
24:04100 francs a bong.
24:05You are having 50 bongs.
24:10What is this?
24:13The choir.
24:15How much did they cost?
24:16Well, they said you would give them the usual and then they giggled.
24:23They look very beautiful standing there with their candles.
24:29I'd like this when my turn comes.
24:32Or even before.
24:35There was a mungle boy.
24:38Shut up!
24:40What on earth is he doing here?
24:42He was 500 francs.
24:44The real priest was 3,000.
24:46Good choice he did.
24:49We are gathered here to pay our respects to our good friend, Renée.
24:58One, two, three, four.
25:00I forgot what this is.
25:07I forgot to call him.
25:07Afi Marillaume.
25:10No!
25:12Bruno!
25:15Your guest is as good as mine.
25:17It's a star.
25:19It's a star.
25:24something is happening you must move to a better position the back of the car
25:29half week to observe the funeral it's only an handful of my friends here i thought you said the old
25:53village of nuvion was turning out to mourn my passing nuvion rangers are playing away
26:04hold on for my arm are you going to faint no i cannot see
26:11ernie do you think the resistance will be very cross with us because we are bearing
26:15the anti-tank mines in a coffin that is their funeral this is mine
26:21do you think we should goose step no hans that would be very poor taste
26:27as i had enough we have with us the man who shot
26:30is obeying orders i was most upset as i uttered the word
26:37fire i felt a complete broader
26:42this will do they cannot see us here you will bend over and touch your toes
26:48what have you in mind haffley i've used to steady my binoculars
26:52yes
26:56so
27:26What is wrong?
27:28Hurry up.
27:29Who has the key?
27:31The priest has the key.
27:36Not you.
27:38The real priest.
27:40Where is he?
27:41He placed Cinderella for the Nuvian Rangers.
27:45We have had it.
27:49What is the problem?
27:51The priest has forgotten the key.
27:54Shall I shoot off the lock?
27:55If it wasn't for you and your shooting, we wouldn't be here in the first place.
27:59Can you all come back tomorrow?
28:03I won't keep until tomorrow.
28:05What?
28:07Boik.
28:10Heinz.
28:26Something very strange is happening.
28:30What is that, Herr Flick?
28:32The coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction.
28:59Should we move to another position?
29:01No.
29:01We are quite safe here.
29:03OMG
29:13Great.
29:14Amazing.
29:16That's what was wrong.
29:17Pero no.
29:34That was very amusing.
29:38That was not so amusing.
30:18悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶悶�
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