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00:28The End
00:29It is possible that you are wondering what I am doing lurking in my own henhouse. The reason is improbable
00:36but simple. I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse, an aging undertaker who has challenged me to a duel.
00:44Shut up! Your beaks closed. He is unhappy because Edith wants to marry me instead of him. I am unhappy
00:55because I have already been married to Edith.
00:58I have been shot by the Germans, I have been buried and I have come back as my own twin
01:04brother. And now I am forced to hide in the henhouse. His seconds are looking for me to make arrangements
01:13for the duel, you see. Well, so far so good.
01:17René! Oh, my God! René!
01:30René! It is I, Yvette! You may reveal yourself.
01:37What is happening?
01:39The seconds of Monsieur Alphonse have been to the cafe and departed.
01:42Oh, thank heavens.
01:46I just hope that is the last we see of them. How did you get rid of them?
01:49I did not. It was Lieutenant Gruber. He received them on your behalf.
01:55Why do people always have to stick their noses into my business?
01:59René, he defended your reputation.
02:02They were saying that perhaps you had a yellow streak.
02:06It is highly likely. For one thing, I have been sitting all night on half a dozen eggs.
02:15Oh, dear.
02:22I am most grateful to you for upholding the honor of my future husband who scoffered out of the scullery
02:30window because he has the courage of a hamster.
02:33I am sure René would not run away like a coward. There will be an explanation.
02:38Of course there will.
02:40Oh, there is an explanation, Colonel. Yes, I was shelling peas in the kitchen.
02:47I saw a rabbit out of the window. I picked up the broom handle and tried to catch it for
02:51your dinner.
02:52Have I missed something?
02:54You have missed the seconds who were curling on you to fight for my honor.
02:58Oh, what a pity.
03:01And such a worthy cause.
03:03I would not have missed that for anything.
03:06All is not lost, René.
03:08Lieutenant Gruber has accepted the challenge on your behalf.
03:12Lieutenant Gruber is going to fight The Undertaker?
03:15No!
03:16No.
03:18But as one of your closest friends, I have agreed to be second.
03:22Lieutenant Gruber knows all about this kind of thing.
03:25He was at Heidelberg.
03:26At Heidelberg, they fight for their honor all the time.
03:30Actually, in spite of the popular rumors about Heidelberg,
03:34fighting for one's honor is not compulsory.
03:37You can give in.
03:40But I know enough about the rules not to let you down.
03:44Yes, well, it is very kind of you, Lieutenant,
03:46but I have no intention of doing an Errol Flynn with an old undertaker.
03:50You are going to humiliate me in front of my friends.
03:53How will they find out?
03:54I have been on the phone all morning.
03:58The old village is going to turn out.
04:01If I could persuade Monsieur Alphonse to change it from dawn until midday,
04:05I could do the catering and make a lot of money.
04:08Dave, my life is at stake and you are talking about catering.
04:11I have on your behalf refused swords and have provisionally chosen pistols.
04:20He would prefer a knitting competition.
04:25I will present your compliments and agree with him the time and the place.
04:30How about South America the Christmas after next?
04:35No, no, dawn tomorrow.
04:37The woods will be misty and romantic.
04:40I shall dress dramatically in black.
04:43A black coat, a black dress, a black chiffon scarf, black gloves and a black hat.
04:49You do not give much for my chances, do you?
04:52Very big, so be it.
04:55Heil Hitler!
04:56And do not worry, René.
04:58I shall be close by your side.
05:02I must down here and get my new black hat and black veil.
05:07René, don't go away.
05:09We have much to discuss.
05:10But so little time.
05:14Hans, René is far too valuable to us to lose in a silly duel.
05:18He has our painting and a sausage in his cellar.
05:21And he supplies us with girls.
05:23Precisely.
05:24So I have a plan.
05:26René, we will hold battle manoeuvres tomorrow morning.
05:30By chance, in the area of the duel, we will have some machine guns, armoured cars and troops.
05:37Just before the duel starts, we will open up with everything.
05:41And the undertaker will unfortunately get in the way.
05:47We will apologise and there will be no repercussions because he's only a Frenchman.
05:51Could you not just wound him a little bit?
05:55With a 25 pound shell, that is not easy.
06:01Send it to me at once.
06:04Anything serious, Herr Flick?
06:06There is for me a telegram.
06:07It is being brought to me by hand.
06:10We will continue our game of Monopoly.
06:13Four pound with the dice.
06:16Be careful not to throw a five, or you will land on my hotel in the Wilhelmstrasse.
06:23Ah, a seven.
06:26Stop!
06:28That is not your token.
06:29That is my staff car.
06:31You are the high heel jack boot.
06:35One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
06:38Ah, you take a card.
06:40What does it say?
06:42I have been hit with a rubber truncheon and missed three moves.
06:48Ah, jeez.
06:55Six.
07:01Go directly to Hitler's bunker.
07:04Do not pass go.
07:05Do not collect 200 marks.
07:08End up.
07:13What do you want, von Smallhausen?
07:18Telegram, Herr Flick.
07:24Go away.
07:29Bad news, Herr Flick?
07:30It is from my godfather.
07:33Himmler?
07:34Experts have reassembled bombed sausage, no trace of painting.
07:39Adolf, very offhand at dinner last night, did not laugh at my jokes.
07:45The rest colonel who sent telegram, love, Uncle Heinrich.
07:49The rest of colonel?
07:51This is terrible.
07:53Helga, what do you know of this?
07:56Nothing, Herr Flick.
07:57You are lying.
07:57You will answer my questions.
07:59Sit down.
08:01Who put the sausage on the train?
08:03I did, Herr Flick.
08:04Who gave you the sausage?
08:05The colonel.
08:06What's the painting inside the sausage?
08:08I could not tell, Herr Flick, without biting a bit off the end.
08:12Why did you not do this?
08:14I could not send to Hitler a bitten sausage.
08:17True, that was good thinking.
08:20It is therefore clear that the sausage containing the painting that I gave to the colonel,
08:25which was a forgery but which he thought was genuine, was not sent to Berlin,
08:30but was substituted by him for a normal knuckwurst.
08:33The sausage containing the painting has been kept by him to sell after the war, which will not be possible
08:40because it is a forgery.
08:42And the real painting is hidden in the Gestapo sausage, which is hanging with similar sausages in Renée's kitchen.
08:48Correct me if I am wrong.
08:50I wouldn't dream of it, Herr Flick.
08:53My course of action is clear.
08:56We will arrest the colonel and the captain at once.
08:59Shall I come with you?
09:00You may be tempted to warn them out of misplaced loyalty.
09:04You will stay here.
09:07What's this, Herr Flick?
09:09So you do not use the telephone.
09:13I will return by early evening.
09:16Would you care to stay for dinner?
09:18Huh?
09:19How could I refuse?
09:22It's a date.
09:27Renée.
09:30Oh, Maria.
09:32Why have you kept me waiting so long?
09:34I was telephoning the undertaker to see if we could come to some arrangement.
09:38What happened?
09:40He offered to bury me at trade prices.
09:43Oh, Renée.
09:45Renée.
09:48Crush my lips with your lips.
09:50Do all those things you do that drive me crazy with raging desire?
09:55Maria, we are only in the broom cupboard.
09:59Renée!
10:00Renée!
10:02Renée!
10:04Renée!
10:05What are you doing in the broom cupboard with Maria?
10:08You stupid woman.
10:09It is quite obvious what I am doing in the broom cupboard with Maria.
10:13You know you do not like me telling off the staff in front of customers.
10:16I was just reprimanding her in here.
10:22So, the next time a customer calls, you come running, hmm?
10:25Yes, Renée.
10:26And that is the last time I shall tell you this.
10:28Very likely.
10:34What did you do in the war, Grandpa?
10:39I was sewing a lady's silk knickers into a torn balloon so that the British airmen could escape me.
10:47Oh, have you not finished that balloon yet?
10:50Soon the restaurant will be full and this place will be crawling with Germans.
10:54Don't move.
10:57Now listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
11:03The basket has been woven by the weavers of Wimoro.
11:11Forgive me, I do not have my code book. What does that mean?
11:16Exactly what it says.
11:18The basket is ready to be attached to the balloon.
11:22Ah, good.
11:22Renée, customers.
11:24Oh, Eric. Look, you must be out of here in ten minutes, hmm?
11:29Oh, Michel, we have not repaired all the oils in the silk balloon.
11:33We shall require one more pair of silk knickers.
11:39I will give my last pair for France.
11:44Remove them behind the curtain. There is a man present.
11:51Oh, no, do not worry. I have seen it all before.
11:58But a very long time ago.
12:01No, just a moment ago when I dropped my needle.
12:09Well, we are hoping to start about seven, but it is best you get there early.
12:14We are expecting a crowd.
12:16And there will be coffee and sandwiches afterwards.
12:21Whatever happens.
12:24Tell them we are hoping for an ohm win.
12:27Yes, see you then.
12:31Oh, so many friends.
12:39Oh, Renée.
12:41Oh, Renée.
12:42Oh, I admire you. You are like a rock.
12:47I know this to be a quality you appreciate in a man.
12:52Oh, but I'm so worried.
12:54Why?
12:54Well, I hear Monsieur Alphonse is a crack shot.
12:57There was a competition.
12:59He put one of his balls through a playing card at 20 bases.
13:05Quite a feat.
13:07This is how he started in the undertaking business.
13:11Yvette, normally I would be worried by such news.
13:15But I have a secret arrangement with the Colonel.
13:18At the time of the duel, he will be on exercises with tanks and troops and machine guns and things.
13:24And he has promised to take care of the undertaker.
13:26Oh, could you not take care of your wife at the same time?
13:32I could mention it, I suppose.
13:35I might be pushing my luck.
13:37I am talking of pushing my luck.
13:39Oh, it's that English idiot who thinks he can speak our language.
13:44Good die to you.
13:46You see, he has heard about the duel.
13:50Are we alone?
13:52I wish to tick to you.
13:55Tick?
13:57He means talk.
13:59Ah.
14:00Yeah, we are alone.
14:02So tick away.
14:06The English airmen are no linger in the cow.
14:11Oh, good.
14:13Well, where are they then?
14:15I will kill them.
14:19In here, chaps.
14:22You will never get away with that.
14:25You cannot pass those two idiots off as French policemen.
14:28I'll give them quick curse in the French long watch.
14:33It's nose to spike your tongue.
14:37Pleased to meet you, sir.
14:41Awake.
14:42Germans, quick, in the back room.
14:44Officer, if you wish to search my premises,
14:47I have nothing to hide.
14:48Start in the back room.
14:49Take care of the krauts.
14:52Oh, good, I'll show you too.
14:56Listen carefully.
14:58The balloon is ready.
14:59It will be taken and hidden in the old ruined barn,
15:02five kilometers to the north of town.
15:05When the wind is favorable,
15:07a message will be sent.
15:08You, René, will guide the airmen to the barn,
15:10where they will take off and head for home.
15:13Oh, I do not wish to be a wet blanket,
15:15but I do have a duel in the morning, you know.
15:19What if I am killed?
15:20Oh, then Monsieur Leclerc will guide them.
15:23I must go now to the ironmonger.
15:25He is preparing the blue lamps,
15:28which will provide the hot air for the balloon.
15:31René, her flick has been here.
15:33Her flick of the Gestapo?
15:34Quick, we will have scooped through the window.
15:37No, he will be getting into his car, he will see you.
15:39What did he want?
15:41He had not seen these two disguised as policemen, had he?
15:43No, he was looking for the colonel.
15:45He has gone round to their headquarters.
15:47Did he want to check on his sausage?
15:49No.
15:50He cancelled his table and ordered two large portions of hot pot to take away.
15:54Oh, that means a nice quiet dinner with Elgar in the dungeon this evening.
15:59Oh, it is.
16:01Oh, it is.
16:03Why do you leave me for so long alone?
16:06Oh, I am sorry, Mama.
16:08But I was trying on my new black hat for the duel.
16:11Ah, this is a duel.
16:12Now, it is. I have been thinking.
16:15I wish to be there early.
16:18I want to be in the front row.
16:21Oh, it is history repeating itself.
16:27Men have fought over me, you know, when I was young.
16:31I was loved by two tram drivers at the same time.
16:38Did they fight with pistons or with swords?
16:42Trams.
16:44Oh, I shall never forget it.
16:48They, they drove furiously towards one another.
16:54Each from its own depot.
16:57Ringing the bells and shouting, no room on top.
17:03What happened?
17:05Oh, well, there was a power cut.
17:10So, er, I ran away with the inspector.
17:15Oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:21Herr Frick, could you not free my other hand?
17:24It is very difficult to chase peas using only a fork.
17:29I am sorry, Helga.
17:30I cannot risk you evading me
17:32and in your misplaced loyalty informing the colonel.
17:36I keep telling you, I do not know where the colonel is.
17:40I do not believe you, Helga.
17:42And if you do not talk, you will get no pudding.
17:47It is jam roly-poly.
17:51You are a ruthless man, have you?
17:55Enter.
18:02We have traced the colonel and the capitan here, Flick.
18:07They are out on maneuvers.
18:10Good.
18:11Go away.
18:14Faster!
18:18As soon as it is daylight, we will arrest them.
18:22In the meantime, we will remain here.
18:25If you do not trust me, Herr Flick,
18:27what sort of life will we have together after the war?
18:31I will take you for beautiful walks on a short lead.
18:36You make me feel like a wild animal.
18:41It's neutral.
18:46I will.
19:04René, wake up.
19:07Wake up!
19:09It is five o'clock.
19:14you must not be late for the duo but Edie that is not until seven oh
19:23I know but I have to dress and make up and iron your shirt you're not going to the woods
19:30looking
19:30a mess he thinks that men are prepared to die for me it is unbelievable is it any go down
19:45and see
19:45who's at the door oh who can that be at this hour it may be somebody wanted to buy tickets
20:09good morning I have your trousers here my Batman press them for me how kind lieutenant you think
20:18of everything I yeah I also had them widened a little they're more fashionable not in front of
20:27the girls no the girls will go away back to bed ladies this is an affair between men do not
20:38hesitate
20:38to pop down if you want a glass of water or some cigarettes or if I ring the bell
20:47oh yeah I I hope this affair turns out satisfactory so do I I do not know how to say
20:58this Rene I have
21:01always admired you but just at this moment I find it hard to express in words all my feelings well
21:09keep
21:10trying with the words I'm sure they will come to you in the end I would like you to wear
21:16this locket
21:16of mine for good luck oh I was thinking more along these lines honey take my advice do not wear
21:28that
21:28it will only flatten the ball on its way through and make an even bigger hole what are you doing
21:37all dressed
21:37dressed up like a mad at her it is I a little I am to be here your other second
21:45we're what are all
21:47these for are you expecting to clean up the forest after I am shot I am to wash the floor
21:53ready for the
21:54party here afterwards
21:58oh
22:01oh
22:01oh
22:01oh
22:02oh
22:02oh
22:02oh
22:02oh
22:02oh
22:25good we are here first
22:28oh
22:30give me my opera glasses
22:33do not wish to miss anything
22:52Tickets, please.
23:01I knew that one day that would come in use.
23:07Oh, Monsieur Arfonso, how elegant he looks.
23:17Madame, this must be your sister.
23:21My mother.
23:23Unbelievable.
23:25You are so young, so vivacious.
23:31Take these so you can see to shoot.
23:46There he is.
23:49He has both his seconds with him.
23:55We cannot start yet, because I am not ready.
23:57Besides, Gruber is not here.
23:59And you know why?
24:00He has gone for the kit of the first aid.
24:02I hope he will not be long.
24:04This coal scuttle is tight under the arm.
24:07It is just insurance.
24:10Anyway, the German army will be here to save you.
24:13That makes me feel very brave.
24:17Where are they, exactly?
24:20You cannot see them.
24:21They are camouflaged.
24:23But I have heard rustlings in the woods.
24:28Oh, René.
24:31Oh, how handsome you look.
24:34Oh, this is our hopes you would be on our wedding day.
24:42Oh, excuse me.
24:44It is the handle of the coal scuttle.
24:48This is Bruce Gruber.
24:51Quick, the rest of my clothes.
24:58Gentlemen, your attention, please.
25:16Oh, be brave, girls.
25:19Dear girls.
25:36Before proceeding, do either of you wish to apologise?
25:41Well, and may have been a pity.
25:44Certainly not.
25:47If you have behaved like a pig,
25:49you will die like a pig.
25:53Very well, monsieur.
25:55You are showing a lot of...
25:57Mitchell, René.
25:58What?
26:00This was I loaded.
26:02Choose.
26:04You choose, monsieur.
26:06Huh.
26:13You will start back to back.
26:17Upon the command, march.
26:19You will walk ten paces.
26:22Upon the command, halt.
26:25You will...
26:26Halt.
26:28Upon the command, turn.
26:31You will turn and fire.
26:33Is this clear?
26:35Crystal clear.
26:36Right.
26:37We must proceed.
26:38First, my personal farewells.
26:43René.
26:46The French way.
27:00Mr. Alphonse.
27:09Thank you, monsieur.
27:11I hardly know you.
27:17Thank you, monsieur.
27:17Farewell, Edith.
27:23Farewell, Edith.
27:28Edith?
27:29I am talking to you.
27:30I am about to get shottier,
27:31and you take no notice.
27:33But I am just catching up on the gossip.
27:36Bye-bye, René.
27:37No.
27:42Maria.
27:43Yvette.
27:45Farewell.
27:48Madame LaMontaine.
27:50Farewell.
27:55Who's Madame LaMontaine?
27:57So, gentlemen.
27:59Let us take up our positions.
28:04Back to back.
28:09Excuse me one moment.
28:11Excuse me one moment.
28:21Dearing me.
28:22Bad news, Lieutenant.
28:24Colonel von Strom and Captain Giering
28:26have been arrested by the Gestapo.
28:27The maneuvers have been canceled.
28:30Angela?
28:33Are the Gestapo allowed to do this?
28:36I shall investigate.
28:37Quite right.
28:38After the duel.
28:39Well, do you not think you should do it right away?
28:42I mean, we can do this any old time.
28:44Get on with this.
28:47Back to back.
28:53Cock.
28:56Well, I am a monsieur.
29:01What?
29:02What?
29:04Two.
29:04Three.
29:05Four.
29:06Five.
29:07Six.
29:08Seven.
29:09Eight.
29:10Nine.
29:11Ten.
29:12Oh!
29:27Nancy Boy!
29:29What?
29:30What about my honor?
29:31I told you.
29:32And my customers.
29:33He's the very first.
29:37His shirt is torn.
29:40Is he wounded?
29:41No.
29:42But I...
29:43I can see a dent in his cool scuttle.
29:48You're not even.
29:48No.
29:54I can see a dent in his cool scuttle.
29:55No.
29:56No.
29:57No.
30:05No.
30:05No.
30:05No.
30:05No.
30:16No.
30:16No.
30:22No.
30:26No.
30:28No.
30:28Yeah.
30:34No.
31:08¶¶
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