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00:21I should be tucked up in a nice warm bed
00:24in my cafe, counting sheep.
00:27Instead, I am standing here disguised as a mushroom picker.
00:30Counting cows going through this gate.
00:34I will tell you a secret.
00:36Not all of these cows are cows.
00:40One of them contains two escaping British airmen.
00:45Can you detect which one?
00:55Hold on a minute.
00:57You're off my watch.
01:05Now, that was not very difficult, was it?
01:08Come, we must hurry.
01:10The plane will be air in four minutes.
01:12We must get across the road behind the kerbs.
01:21I hope there aren't any bulls about.
01:25I shouldn't worry.
01:26The other cows have much more interesting backsides than yours.
01:32Oh, heck, it is a German patrol.
01:34What?
01:35Get down.
01:36Hide behind the edge.
01:37Shh.
01:38Go.
01:45Have your guns at the ready.
01:53What are you doing?
01:55I am a simple milky maid, taking these cows to the meadow, where they will eat the grass.
02:03The green grass will make the milk.
02:05The milk will make the butter.
02:07And the butter we will spread on the bread of the victorious German soldier.
02:14We are about to die and he starts a lecture on farming.
02:17We are in need of some milk.
02:19Kurt, lend me your helmet.
02:21I will obtain some from these cows.
02:23But they have already been milked.
02:26We need just a few squirts for our coffee.
02:31Oh, my God.
02:34This appears to be a quiet one.
02:37If they find out it is a washing-up glove hanging down there, we have had it.
02:47Unfortunately, it seems to have very small titties.
02:59What are you doing?
03:01Come away from that car.
03:03You are supposed to be on patrol.
03:04I am sorry, Sergeant.
03:09Put your helmets back on.
03:10Get it to life.
03:15Quick, march.
03:28It was an ear thing.
03:30They actually got hold of it.
03:35Oh, my God.
03:38I was so scared I have been eating a coach, too.
03:42I will probably die.
03:45Be quiet.
03:46I hear the plin.
03:48We must hurry.
04:03It is a very big one.
04:05I think it is a transport plane.
04:08René, how can that great big plane land in this little field?
04:14It is not landing.
04:16Look.
04:17Huh?
04:22They have released two parachutes.
04:32They are going to drop the other side of the wood.
04:35Quick.
04:42They must have landed somewhere near here.
04:47What are you doing?
04:49I am going no further until someone tells me what is going on.
04:55I agree.
04:59Oh, I see something.
05:03It is a copper.
05:05I say, is anyone down there?
05:08Oh, my God.
05:10Not another stupid English man.
05:13I say, are you from HQ?
05:16We rather thought the plane would land.
05:18Change of plan.
05:20We are trying out a new escape package.
05:22We had better get you down, I suppose.
05:24I seem to be a bit stuck.
05:26If René held me up in his strong arms,
05:29I could reach up and pull him down.
05:31He could hold me in his strong arms.
05:34Oh, but I might drop you, precious.
05:40Come along.
05:42This way.
05:43Now.
05:45Up you get.
05:51Quickly, Maria.
05:59What's going on, Fairfax?
06:01One of the barmaids has pulled the policeman's trousers down.
06:06It's all go, isn't it?
06:09It's giving.
06:10What?
06:10What?
06:12Oh, no.
06:13Oh.
06:24That was all rather exciting.
06:27Why have they sent us another Englishman?
06:29They sent me over because I speak French.
06:32Thank heavens for that.
06:33They have sent him because he speaks French.
06:36Hello, everybody.
06:41Do we hear our own tongue?
06:48I have brung greetings from British Intelligence Headquitters.
06:56What does he say?
06:58I sing he brings greetings from Intelligence Headquitters.
07:01I have disgeased as poloisman,
07:06so I am able to move a boot with complete freedom.
07:14Do you think he will get away with that accent?
07:17As long as he does not speak, yes.
07:20We will tell everyone that he comes from a remote village in the country.
07:24On the outskirts of Pekin.
07:28You picked up this package.
07:30Pooch.
07:30Pooch.
07:31Pooch.
07:32This is the escape pookage.
07:35You must heat it in your sealer.
07:39What was that?
07:41The escape package.
07:42You must add it in the sealer.
07:44How does he know I have a sealer?
07:45In London, we are not stupid.
07:48We know every move you mok.
07:58Who is it?
07:59It is I, Helga!
08:02Enter.
08:09Was your mission successful?
08:11Yes, Colonel.
08:13What mission was this?
08:14I know nothing about a mission.
08:15Hans, I don't tell you everything.
08:18The less you know about some things, the better.
08:20Now, come forward and stand in front of me.
08:24I don't wish anyone to see through the windows.
08:27What we are up to.
08:32Now, show me what you've got.
08:37Good.
08:38Go, sir.
08:40Colonel, am I allowed to see what Helga has got?
08:45Helga has a normal knokwurst.
08:48Made by a butcher, which we'll be sending to the Führer.
08:52It is very simple.
08:53The priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
08:56is concealed inside a knokwurst,
08:58which is hidden in the René's cellar.
09:00The forged painting of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
09:02is concealed inside a similar knokwurst,
09:04which is hanging in the René's kitchen.
09:06The knokwurst concealed on my person
09:08is to be sent to Herr Hitler,
09:10who is under the impression
09:11that it contains the original painting
09:13of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies.
09:14Which is in the cellar?
09:15Which Herrflick of the Gestapo thinks is in the kitchen.
09:18I only asked if I could have a look.
09:23Who is it?
09:24It is only me, dear Colonel.
09:27René from the café.
09:31Come inside!
09:35We have good news, René.
09:37Helga has a normal knokwurst
09:39to put on the train to Berlin for the Führer.
09:42Helga, show him.
09:49I've missed it again, pal.
09:53Colonel, I have bad news.
09:55The resistance, who I do not know very well,
09:58have refused to blow up the train.
10:01This is the train containing this knokwurst.
10:03It must be blown up
10:04so that Hitler thinks the painting has been destroyed.
10:06I know that bit.
10:08Why did they refuse to blow up the train?
10:10Well, they say they have a previous engagement,
10:13something to do with an ammunition, L'Oreal.
10:15Did you explain to them how important this is?
10:18Oh, yes, of course, dear Colonel,
10:20but they do not take all that much notice of me.
10:23We barely nod to each other in the street, you understand.
10:27I could try the communist resistance.
10:31They might do it for money.
10:33Party funds are very low, I have heard.
10:36Very well.
10:37Go back to your café and see what you can do for us.
10:41Could you let me have a few thousand francs
10:43to put a deposit down, just to show good faith?
10:46Certainly not.
10:47You pay them, and we'll make it up to you.
10:49Yes, sir.
10:50Make sure you get a receipt.
10:54No, no, no, I do not wish to go in.
10:58Put me by the table, sir.
11:01Here are my little love.
11:03And bring me a drink.
11:06But funny, will you not be too chilly?
11:09No, no, no, not if I have a big gin and tonic.
11:15My love, my flower,
11:17I would buy for you the whole world,
11:19but I do not have any money.
11:23Oh, but now this is my daughter's café,
11:26we can have freebies.
11:30How much?
11:32Now, look here.
11:34It is just one little tray.
11:37Surely you could blow it up for a bit less than that.
11:41Is that your rock-button price?
11:44Well, hang on a minute.
11:46One, two, three.
11:53No, no, I cannot go to that.
11:55No.
11:56Well, how would it be if we supplied the explosives?
12:00No, I do not want to leave my name.
12:02No, it is just an entire...
12:04Hey, who do you think you are?
12:07It is I, Leclerc.
12:09Yeah, I know that.
12:11What are you doing helping yourself to my gin?
12:14It is my gin.
12:16Goodbye, Mama.
12:17Give it a double.
12:20Lieutenant Duber,
12:22you have again parked your armoured car
12:24in my place under the tree.
12:25Oh, I am most sorry, Coronel.
12:27I have just polished it
12:29and it looked like rain.
12:31I will move it.
12:32No, we shall only be here a few minutes.
12:34But don't do it again.
12:38Heil Hitler.
12:40Don't try to get around me.
12:45René, the normal Knokwurst is on the night train to Berlin.
12:48No, Helga put it on.
12:50It is next to the ammunition truck.
12:52He afflick supervised her
12:53and then he sent a telegram to Hitler.
12:55Signed by the colonel.
12:56Good news, huh?
12:57No.
12:57Unfortunately, Colonel, I have bad news.
13:00The communists have refused to blow up the train.
13:03Refused to blow up the train?
13:04What sort of communists are you dealing with?
13:07Who ever heard of a communist
13:08who wouldn't blow up a train?
13:10That means Hitler will receive a normal Knokwurst.
13:14And a telegram from the colonel.
13:15And he will find out
13:16that you have nicked his painting?
13:19Knackered by a Knokwurst.
13:21That will put kaput on my career.
13:23Give me a large cognac.
13:25Oh, yes, please.
13:26Coronel,
13:27anticipating this development,
13:28I have a further plan
13:30which may yet save us.
13:32You have?
13:32Give her a cognac as well.
13:34Here.
13:35Run it.
13:45Tell us your plan.
13:46But tell it a bit slower than last time.
13:50A 20-millimeter incendiary shell
13:52accurately fired at the ammunition truck
13:54would blow it up
13:55and also demolish the Knokwurst.
13:57The resistance will be blamed.
13:59We arrest a few peasants
14:00and shoot them
14:01and we will all be in the clear.
14:03That's all very well, Helga.
14:04But where do we get a 20-millimeter cannon?
14:07And who's going to fire it?
14:09Lieutenant Gruber has an armored car
14:12on which is mounted a 20-millimeter cannon.
14:18Hello.
14:21He'll never lend it.
14:23He's very stingy.
14:25He might lend it to Rene.
14:27He's very fond of him.
14:29Oh, yes.
14:30I can just see that.
14:32Good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
14:34A small sherry?
14:35Oh, with pleasure.
14:36Um, by the way, Lieutenant,
14:38I wonder if I might borrow your armored car
14:40for the evening.
14:42No, no, no.
14:43There is no need for you to come with me.
14:44I just wish to drive it around a little bit,
14:46see if I can pull a few birds
14:49or maybe shoot a pigeon or two
14:51with a 20-millimeter shell.
14:54No, Rene is right.
14:56We'll have to knock it off when he's not looking.
14:59And he will blame it on the resistance.
15:00And we can just shoot another couple of peasants.
15:02If we go on at this rate,
15:04there will be nobody left in the village.
15:05I don't have any good plan here, Guts.
15:07It's the only plan we've got.
15:09As soon as it is dark, we will act.
15:12Are you with us, Rene?
15:14Oh, well, all right, Colonel.
15:17I will keep Lieutenant Gruber talking
15:19while you nip off, nick the armored car
15:21and blow up the train.
15:22No, Rene.
15:23I, as a colonel, cannot get involved
15:25in a plan like this.
15:28I will distract Gruber.
15:30And you, Hans,
15:32you will nick the armored car.
15:34Colonel!
15:35I'm a very bad driver.
15:38I only have a provisional license.
15:41It is very hard to see out of those things.
15:44My glasses will steam up.
15:45I will get lost.
15:47Rene can sit on top,
15:49stick his head through the hole
15:50and guide you.
15:51Oh, but, Colonel,
15:52would it not be better if Elga drove
15:53and the captain could sit on top
15:55and stick his head out and guide her?
15:56I have an assignation with Herr Flick.
15:58Well, can you not break it?
15:59One does not stand up the Gestapo.
16:02What time is the train?
16:03Ten o'clock.
16:04Very well.
16:05We all meet here at 9.30.
16:08I will take care of Gruber.
16:10You all take care of the train.
16:11Oh, but...
16:12Good night, Rene.
16:13Good night, Colonel.
16:14You're not going.
16:15Not in your armoured car.
16:17I think I will have an early night.
16:20Nonsense.
16:21I hope you're not going because I was cross with you.
16:26Well, I was a bit upset.
16:29Don't be upset, Gruber.
16:32What's your first name?
16:34Hubert.
16:36Don't be upset, Hubert.
16:38I like you.
16:40Hans likes you.
16:41Rene likes you.
16:43And the girls,
16:44they like you too.
16:46I tell you what.
16:47Come round here about 9.30
16:49and we'll have dinner together.
16:51And bring your armoured car.
16:53Suddenly I'm feeling better.
16:56Suddenly I am feeling worse.
16:59Can I help you, officer?
17:02An elderly lady outside in a bath chair
17:05has been heating the bootle.
17:11What?
17:12Her is drunk.
17:14Her is post as a newt.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:19Is it post?
17:19No, no, no, no.
17:20Stop it.
17:21Honey, no, no, no.
17:22No, sir.
17:23I have not entered the cafe of my daughter.
17:26Honey.
17:26Stop.
17:27Honey, please, my love.
17:28Do not take on show.
17:29May you all finish up in the queue.
17:30Stop it.
17:31Stop it, you silly old bad.
17:33These are my customers.
17:34Are you trying to ruin my business?
17:36It is my daughter's business.
17:38You are on the way out.
17:40Come inside, please.
17:42Welcome, gentlemen.
17:43Your table is ready.
17:45Stop.
17:45Gentlemen, please, come back, gentlemen.
17:48She is potty in the head.
17:49I have your window table for you, please.
17:53Don't worry, René.
17:54Hubert and I will take it.
17:57Won't be, Hubert.
17:58You are most kind, Colonel.
18:00Can I give anyone a lift?
18:02Oh, give Hans a lift.
18:04Let him play with your cannon.
18:06Hold on, then captain.
18:07I will show you what fun an armored car can be.
18:119.30, Vinnie.
18:13Water the wine.
18:15And take the flowers off the table.
18:18And spit on the table.
18:20No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
18:23no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
18:26no, no, no.
18:27Ten minutes is up.
18:29You may now come out of the corner.
18:34Yes, Herr Flick.
18:38Let that be a lesson to you.
18:41Never again will you burn my toast.
18:46Yes, Herr Flick.
18:48May I sit?
18:49Yes.
18:52You may continue with your tea.
18:54I have kept your egg warm under the cozy.
19:00You have a very kind streak in your nature.
19:03I nearly failed my Gestapo exams because of it.
19:08It is a very strong shell.
19:11Hit it hard with your spoon.
19:13They always break in the end.
19:17You're looking pensive, Herr Flick.
19:19I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight.
19:24I see, Herr Flick.
19:25I might take you to the movies.
19:28What is showing?
19:29Anything we like.
19:33Oh, we could stay here and amuse ourselves.
19:36I have a box of sharp needles somewhere.
19:41Ah, here they are.
19:44What have you in mind, Herr Flick?
19:47I have an excellent gramophone
19:49and many records of Hitler's speeches.
19:53They are quite amusing.
19:55Hitler's speeches?
19:57Quite amusing?
19:58Played at double speed.
20:02He sounds like Donald Duck.
20:06You see what the boys in the back room will have
20:12Until them I sighed
20:15Until them I sighed
20:17Until them I died
20:19Of the same
20:25Thank you for your kind applause.
20:29Now, please, will you show your appreciation
20:31For our pianist, Monsieur Leclerc?
20:38Colonel, the lieutenant is here.
20:41Colonel.
20:43Colonel!
20:46I'm sorry, René.
20:48The cheese, you know.
20:50Look.
20:52I will take care of him.
20:54You and Hans know what to do.
20:55I am sorry I am late, Colonel.
20:58Perhaps your armoured car would not start.
21:00You had to leave it at the barracks.
21:01She started on the button
21:03But she was nearly out of gasoline.
21:04Good.
21:05So I filled her up.
21:08That's our table over there.
21:10Oh, how cozy.
21:13Take this.
21:16René, Hans, you know what to do.
21:19Good luck to you.
21:20Colonel.
21:21He has just taken the flowers from the next table.
21:24Good luck to you.
21:29Cut it.
21:31Dear Colonel, would you prefer your back to the wall or the room?
21:36I think the wall.
21:40Sit down, Hubert.
21:42And tell me all about yourself.
21:44Well, it has been a hard day.
21:46I am quite hoarse, you know, from ordering soldiers about.
21:50Yes, it's hard being a German officer.
21:53All that shouting and stamping of feet.
21:56People don't understand, do they?
21:58I fear they do not.
22:04Do we have a key or a tin opener?
22:06We do not lock it.
22:08After all, who wouldn't lick an armoured car?
22:16Where is this?
22:17What for?
22:18If the resistance take a pot shot at you, it will bounce off.
22:22It will bounce off?
22:23I am not sticking my head out of there.
22:25I'll drive.
22:41Stop the ending.
22:43Keep your voice down.
22:45Sorry.
22:48It is that little knob in front.
22:51Oh, Harry.
22:53Give it a bit more choke.
22:59Forward!
23:03And so forward, you're going backwards.
23:08Did I hit something?
23:10The colonel's car!
23:12He will do his nothing!
23:18Never mind.
23:19He will blame the resistance and shoot a couple of peasants.
23:23What am I saying?
23:25How easy it is to slip into the ways of being a Nazi.
23:33Good evening, Colonel.
23:35Was everything to your satisfaction?
23:39Up to a point.
23:41You know me, Yvette?
23:42Oh, Colonel.
23:44Would you like me to sit upon your knee?
23:47That sounds like a bit of fun.
23:50Doesn't it, Hubert?
23:51If you say so, Colonel.
23:57Well, go on, Hubert.
24:00You're in the tank core.
24:01It will be good for your image.
24:06Are the driver of armoured care 419 on the cafe?
24:12419?
24:13That is my armoured car.
24:15It has been driven away by two men.
24:18You!
24:19Armoured car stolen?
24:21Don't worry about it, Hubert.
24:23It's probably some local boys playing a little prank.
24:26I must report it at once to my headquarters.
24:29Just think how cross they will be when they find out you've lost your armoured car.
24:33Believe me, it'll come back if you're patient.
24:36But what if it does not?
24:38What am I doing holding this car?
24:41I will report it at once to Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
24:45He will make discreet inquiries.
24:48He owes me a favour.
24:57Why have we left the main road?
24:59A motorcycle was following us.
25:02Don't worry, this lane leads to the railway line.
25:07Is he still following?
25:09Just a minute.
25:10I will have a look.
25:16Can you see the motorcycle?
25:20Not at the moment.
25:40Stop the machine.
25:47Flick the Gestapo.
25:49No, I said flick the Gestapo.
25:55Yes, Korba.
25:59Yes, Korba.
26:03Yes, Korba.
26:05You are very careless.
26:07Stay where you are.
26:08I will come at once.
26:10You will come with me.
26:15Hold my schmeisser while I remove my carpet slippers.
26:26I can see the railway line.
26:29Stop here.
26:31Stop here.
26:39I can hear the train coming.
26:41Oh, dear.
26:42Pass me a shell.
26:43Well, where are they?
26:45They must be in here somewhere to drive the glove compartment.
26:50Have you found anything?
26:52Just some lady's underwear.
26:54Some shaving lotion.
26:57Ah, I have one.
26:59Good.
27:00Well, hurry up.
27:01It is getting nearer.
27:02I think it is loaded.
27:03Now, I have to aim for the third wagon from the end.
27:07Yes, good luck.
27:08Put your fingers in your ears.
27:10There may be a big bang.
27:12I can see it.
27:14One, two, three.
27:17That's the one.
27:25Missed.
27:30Can you get a little bit nearer?
27:33No, I cannot.
27:34One, two, three.
27:43You have blown up the signal box.
27:46I think the barrel is bent.
27:49There goes the train.
27:50There goes Hitler's sausage.
27:53We should catch it up further down the line.
27:56No.
27:57The way I drive, I would never catch it.
27:59And the way you shoot, you would never eat it.
28:02I think we go home.
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