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00:01You
00:31Some of you may be curious to know
00:33what I am doing in an A-stack
00:36wearing a top hat and a cold scuttle.
00:40I will tell you.
00:41I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse,
00:44a decrepit old undertaker
00:46who challenged me to a duel.
00:49My wife, Edith,
00:51invited the whole village to witness this spectacle,
00:54so she was particularly disappointed when I ran away.
00:58It is just as well that I did
01:00because in spite of the fact
01:02that I was zigzagging through the woods,
01:04he still managed to dent my scuttle at 75 yards.
01:09The question now is,
01:11how much longer can I go on hiding from him
01:13without being discovered?
01:17Honey!
01:18What are you doing here?
01:20We are having a secret meeting.
01:25We have to decide what course of action to take next.
01:28I will tell you what course of action to take next.
01:31Get me to Switzerland.
01:33We need you here.
01:34You are a vital link in the escape route of the British Airmen.
01:38The balloon is assembled.
01:40A favorable wind is expected.
01:43We will need you to take the British Airmen to the rendezvous.
01:46Do you not understand?
01:48That maniac undertaker is trying to kill me.
01:51We have decided on a disguise.
01:53You have?
01:55Oh.
01:56Oh, Michelle.
01:57How can I ever repay you?
01:59Take off your clothes.
02:02The resistance.
02:04They don't mess about, do they?
02:07Could we not kiss and cuddle a little bit first?
02:12It is so you can put on your disguise.
02:15Ah.
02:17I thought my luck had changed.
02:23Who means my happiness?
02:26Who?
02:28Would I answer yes, too?
02:32Well, you ought to guess who.
02:37There are one but you.
02:43Oh, madame.
02:45You have a voice in a million.
02:48When we are married, I will sing to you every night.
02:52Ah, but madame Edith, that may not be appropriate.
02:55After all, our bedroom is above the mortuary.
02:58Oh, forgive me.
03:00I was forgetting.
03:01I could hum Abba Maria unaccompanied.
03:07You probably would be.
03:15Monsieur Alforce, it is very urgent that I speak to you.
03:21I do not know you.
03:23I am Michelle of the Resistance.
03:26Michelle of the Resistance?
03:28Not the intrepid leader of that brave band of partisans
03:31who roam the countryside,
03:32striking terror into the hearts of Germans and collaborators alike.
03:36Not the girl who is a legend,
03:38who comes into our midst like a phantom
03:41and then vanishes without a trace.
03:44That is the man.
03:47Lead, mademoiselle,
03:48and we will follow.
03:53I love you.
03:54I love you.
04:00Now listen, very carefully.
04:02I will say this only once.
04:04I will take notes.
04:06Oh, Yvette.
04:08What day is outside?
04:09Oh, no.
04:10If Monsieur Alforce sees him,
04:11he will kill him.
04:12Do not worry.
04:14He will wait in the cafe
04:16until Michel explains to Monsieur Alforce
04:18how important René is to our cause.
04:22Another cognac, please, Yvette.
04:25Any news of René?
04:27Not a word.
04:28The place is not the same without him.
04:30It's all clear.
04:31I will see you there.
05:03Those eyes, they look very familiar, particularly that one.
05:12I am trying very hard not to be familiar, Monsieur.
05:17I have it.
05:18You are a relation of René, who works behind the bar.
05:21Very distant.
05:24You have very hairy legs.
05:28They run in the family.
05:31René, it is you.
05:33Please, Lieutenant, do not give me away.
05:36Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
05:38No, no, you do not understand.
05:40Yes, I do.
05:43I had an uncle with the same leanings.
05:47Every Shrove Tuesday, he would dress up as a pancake girl.
05:52Suppose you think I am a coward?
05:54On the contrary.
05:56I think it takes great courage to come out in the open and dress that way.
06:01My God, Germans, and they are coming to this table.
06:05Don't worry, I will cover.
06:08Mademoiselle, a dance.
06:10What?
06:11Oh, wait, no, I don't, I'm not very good.
06:13Don't worry, I will lead.
06:23Are they watching us?
06:24Don't worry.
06:26Just be normal.
06:28I will do my best.
06:30We will do a few more bars.
06:33Then I will put you in my little tank and take you back to my place until it dies down.
06:41Lieutenant, do you feather?
06:43Of course.
06:44Of course.
06:49Just leave me here with my friends, will you?
06:52You are not really dressed for a tank.
06:54I think I better go and warm it up for you.
06:55If you need a push start, just let me know.
06:59I'll get the rest of the girls.
07:05I did not know who it was I was challenging to a duel.
07:09What?
07:09You, the leader of the escape route.
07:12Oh.
07:13Let me kiss the hem of your dress.
07:16Please, please.
07:17Mr. Alphonse, you embarrass me.
07:19Tell me what to do.
07:20I will follow you anywhere.
07:24In a minute, I am going to have to go to the little girl's room.
07:29Oh, madame.
07:31I could not come between you and this.
07:36This perhaps the bravest man in France.
07:39Henceforth, I will admire you from afar.
07:43Good day to you all.
07:45Vive la France.
07:47Vive de Gaulle.
07:49Who?
07:50You know, the Gaulle.
07:51The one with the big ooter.
07:54Of course.
07:55Vive de Gaulle.
07:59Thank heavens he has gone.
08:01It is all very well for you.
08:02But what am I to tell my friends?
08:04I cannot be seen out with a coward.
08:07I have the explanation.
08:09You will tell them that during the duel,
08:11a bumblebee flew down his trousers at a critical moment,
08:15causing him to run into the river.
08:16But the nearest river is three miles away.
08:20It was a very big bee.
08:24Renée?
08:25Elga is here.
08:26She must see you.
08:28She's in trouble.
08:29One last message before I go.
08:31The wind is favourable.
08:33When the moon is down, you will lead the airmen to the balloon.
08:36Where are they now?
08:39Hello!
08:41We will disappear like phantoms into the night.
08:44Oh, good.
08:48Come in.
08:51Renée?
08:51Yes?
08:52The colonel and the captain have been arrested by the Gestapo.
08:55They are even now imprisoned in the dungeons of the Chateau.
08:59Bombard!
08:59What was that?
09:01It was the phantoms falling over the dustbin.
09:04Soon they will be interrogated.
09:07Hairflick always gets to the bottom of everything.
09:09Why should I care? I have done nothing.
09:12You have hidden in your cellar a knuck-versed sausage
09:15containing the real painting of the fallen Madonna-Villipic-Boobies by Van Klum.
09:19A copy of which is hanging in the Gestapo sausage in your kitchen.
09:22Which hairflick is under the impression is the real painting.
09:24Which was supposed to be on the train to Hitler.
09:27Which did not arrive due to the fact that it was substituted for a normal knuck-versed
09:31which was blown up.
09:32They may reveal this under torture.
09:34Will they remember it?
09:37And we must help them before it's too late.
09:41Elga, I cannot go like this.
09:43Why not?
09:43I am disguised as a girl.
09:46How you relax off-duty is no concern of the German army.
09:54Not so fast.
09:57My name is Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo.
10:02I am wishing to speak with René Artois, the barman.
10:08Oh, what a pity.
10:10You have just missed him by that much.
10:12It is his night off.
10:14The engine is warmed up, René.
10:16So let's go.
10:17So...
10:20You are René Artois.
10:24Why do you dress as a woman of the opposite sex?
10:29I was going to a pancake party.
10:32You will come with me.
10:34I will take you to the dungeons of the Gestapo headquarters.
10:37Have you any personal belongings you wish to bring?
10:40Just my handbag.
10:43Just my handbag.
10:45You are Private Helga Gearhart?
10:48I am.
10:50Have flick orders that you also attend.
10:54Please, come with me.
11:05Oh, this is terrible.
11:07What shall we do?
11:08We shall have to go over the heads of the Gestapo.
11:11Who are you calling?
11:12General Erich von Klinkerhofen.
11:15Hallo, hallo?
11:27Hans, what are you doing?
11:30I am scraping at the cement.
11:32I am hoping to loosen one of these bricks.
11:35Don't be absurd.
11:36The Count of Monte Cristo did it.
11:39It took him 20 years.
11:42Come to think of it, the film had already started when I went in.
11:49What do you think he is going to do to us?
11:53Who knows?
11:55They are terrible with women.
11:59Colonel, can you not just tell him about your sausage?
12:03If we tell him...
12:06He will find out that we pinched a genuine painting
12:09so as to sell it when all this is over.
12:12Why do you have to try to make money out of the war?
12:14Why can you not just fight and I am done with it?
12:17René, I want you to promise me
12:20if we ever get out of this
12:21that you will stop seeing those resistance people.
12:25And I will try not to arrest too many Frenchmen.
12:28And then we can all lead a quiet and normal life.
12:32I was trying to lead a quiet and normal life
12:35when I was arrested.
12:37So I see.
12:40Pull your skirt down!
12:47So!
12:51Have you decided to talk yet?
12:53What?
12:53We know nothing Herr Flick.
12:55That empty sausage is a complete mystery to us.
12:58Helga put it on the train.
13:00Helga has been very thoroughly interrogated.
13:04And has revealed nothing new to me.
13:08Helga!
13:09I think we should have the brazier up a bit.
13:12What?
13:13Whatever you say Herr Flick.
13:15Take some bellows and pump it up.
13:21Oh yes Herr Flick.
13:25That is more likely.
13:27You are exceeding your authority.
13:30The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers in the army.
13:34Or junior officers.
13:35What about cafe owners?
13:38They can do what they like with them.
13:40I do not know what you are complaining about.
13:43You are a temporary guest in a well equipped and completely soundproof dungeon.
13:49What is more.
13:51I hardly think a complaint that you were tortured to reveal the whereabouts of a knockwurst sausage.
13:57Will be treated very seriously by the high command.
14:01I will return very soon.
14:04When I do.
14:05I suggest you talk.
14:16A note.
14:18I knew we could do an hour on Helga.
14:20Oh.
14:20Helga will have a plan.
14:22Yes.
14:22What does it say?
14:23It says.
14:24Have you got a plan?
14:27I do not often do this.
14:28But I am going to offer up a silent prayer.
14:31We shall all do the same.
14:33Hans.
14:34Walk.
14:42Who prayed for that?
14:45Who is coming from this ventilator?
14:48Here.
14:48Rest a minute.
14:53Oh.
14:54It smells like a sewer down there.
14:59I will declare.
15:04The wind is terrible in the sewers.
15:07What are you doing here?
15:08I bring a message from Michel.
15:11Ah.
15:11What is your message?
15:12It is for any ears only.
15:15Never mind that.
15:15Get on with it.
15:16What is it?
15:17Michel says.
15:18Have you got a plan?
15:19Yes.
15:22Well in the case.
15:24You are engaged.
15:26Come back here.
15:28Come back here.
15:28If only we were smaller, we could get down that little hole.
15:31Somebody else is coming.
15:33Happy.
15:34Hi.
15:35Maria.
15:37I have crawled through the trains.
15:39I had to say goodbye.
15:41Oh, kiss me for perhaps the last time.
15:43Oh, well, it is a bit embarrassing with the colonel and the captain here.
15:47Yeah, stick your head down the hole and do it.
15:52What?
15:52I don't know what they see in the man.
15:54He has quite good legs.
15:57Oh.
15:58It is her, Yvette.
15:59Another one.
16:00I have brought you your rings.
16:02My rings?
16:03See all the ones containing the pills with the deadly poison.
16:07Here.
16:08If all else fails, take them.
16:11You will feel no pain.
16:13You will die instantly.
16:16How thoughtful of you.
16:18Honey, I have saved the pee for myself.
16:21I cannot live without you.
16:23Oh, well, do not take it just yet, Yvette.
16:27He has a better time than me to even with his love life down the drain.
16:33Well, that is it.
16:35There we are then.
16:36Thank you, René.
16:36One each.
16:38Colonel, these are the rings which we gave to René in case he got caught.
16:42Yes, those are the rings.
16:44There's someone coming.
16:46Hide them.
16:48René, what are you doing?
16:51The girl smudged my lipstick.
16:54Ah.
16:57Have you decided to talk?
16:58I have decided not to talk.
17:01Well, well.
17:03Helga.
17:04The wheel.
17:06The wheel?
17:09I will take care of the organ.
17:12The organ?
17:25Good.
17:27Before we start, have you any last requests?
17:31Blue skies around the corner?
17:35Helga.
17:36Turn.
17:46Where is the sausage?
17:48The thing is going to crush us.
17:51It is in the salon.
17:52No, no, no.
17:53I cannot hear you.
17:54It is in the salon.
17:56Quick, quick.
17:57The bench.
17:58The bench.
18:05Keep turning.
18:07We told you it's in the cellar.
18:09Not good enough.
18:11Helga, what are you doing?
18:13I'm sorry for it.
18:14I'm only a billion orders.
18:17Shoulders to the ceiling.
18:19Hans, what are you doing?
18:21I'm waiting for the ceiling to get down to my shoulders.
18:24Do you not find these grand, crashing chords?
18:28Very exciting.
18:29I think you missed a note.
18:31Can you look?
18:32Keep turning, Helga.
18:34Keep playing, Helga.
18:38Look.
18:39No hands.
18:43Hans, I think it's time to take the pills.
18:47The pills, quick.
18:51Nothing has happened.
18:54Another faulty batch.
18:56I'll have to write a letter about this.
18:59Turn my cuddle.
19:01I want to make it open.
19:04What is that?
19:08Heil Hitler.
19:11What is the meaning of this?
19:13These men are traitors to the Reich.
19:16They have stolen a knochwurst sausage
19:19containing the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies,
19:22which was on its way to Berlin.
19:25The sausage they sent was blown up by the RAF.
19:29But upon investigation, it transpired that there was no painting in the sausage.
19:35And in fact, all the sausage contained was sausage.
19:39Oops.
19:41Upon this evidence, you are flattening a colonel and a captain in one of my divisions.
19:46Not to mention a very plain French girl.
19:50My authority comes from Berlin.
19:53My authority comes from Berlin.
19:55My authority comes from this gun.
19:56Release them.
19:58I see.
20:00Temporarily, you have the upper hand.
20:02But I should warn you that my godfather is Heinrich Himmler.
20:06My wife's sister is the mistress of Hermann Göring.
20:11Hermann Göring has many mistresses.
20:15My wife's sister is the one who wears the chamois leather underclothes.
20:24Turn the wheel the other way.
20:26Yes, Herr Flick.
20:27So, you are party to this.
20:28No.
20:29I was only obeying orders.
20:31Reverse the wheel.
20:34Oh, dear.
20:36What are we going to do?
20:39Incompetent fool!
20:40Stand back!
20:43Oh!
20:44Ladies, fast!
20:49Oh, it is!
20:51It is all it is!
20:52Why do you ignore my cries for assistance?
20:57I am here now, Mama.
20:59I have just been to the church to light a candle for...
21:01What's it today?
21:02I have just been to the church to light a candle for René.
21:06I fear he is no longer with us.
21:09Good.
21:11Now you can marry Sir Undertaker while he still has the hots for you.
21:17I cannot think about that now that René has gone.
21:20I must have the two airmen away as soon as possible.
21:25Ah, my little Edith.
21:27Always so Ed Strong.
21:35Get through to London so that I can spook on the Rudio.
21:41It is.
21:43Who is the fuzz with the bad French?
21:47He is an expert on escaping from London.
21:50I think so bad in London.
21:55What is happening to me?
21:57What is happening to me?
21:57My room is full of transvestites.
22:02I do hope you're not expected to wear these things in the balloon.
22:05We're downdrafted around the needles.
22:07Oh, it is.
22:10I see fleshy knobs.
22:15It is London.
22:18Help me.
22:22Get the code book while I assemble the radio.
22:30Hello.
22:31Hello, hello.
22:32This is Mrs Nighthawk calling.
22:34Where is the wind coming from?
22:37I say again.
22:38Where is the wind coming from?
22:41It's the same place it always comes from.
22:45It's dead.
22:46The wind is from the south-east.
22:49Three knots and holding steady.
22:52Tonight is the night.
22:54Bring signal torch.
22:55When you are over coast,
22:58flash it.
22:59Over and out.
23:01Eat it!
23:02Rene has been released and has returned.
23:04Rene released?
23:06Quick, eaters.
23:07Two to church.
23:08Blow out the candles.
23:09You may get a refund.
23:14Oh, Rene.
23:16Thank heavens you are alive.
23:18I can't believe it is you sitting with me here at this table.
23:22Wearing that hat and that wig and that dress and those little white socks.
23:30Oh, Yvette.
23:31Thank God it is all over.
23:33And what is more, the Colonel and I have made a pact
23:37that from now on everything will return to normal.
23:40Oh.
23:49Listen very carefully.
23:50I will say this only once.
23:53You are ordered to lead the British Airmen to the balloon.
23:56They will take off tonight.
23:57But that is not possible.
23:59On the orders of General von Klinkerofen himself,
24:03the Colonel and the Captain have gone off on manoeuvres.
24:05The ones that were cancelled.
24:06The town is ruined with German soldiers.
24:09We are under curfew.
24:10People are allowed through, are engaged in essential services.
24:14Everything has been arranged.
24:16I have a plan.
24:18Oh.
24:19Now she has a plan.
24:21Why did you not have a plan when I was in the nutcracker suite?
24:31I cannot say what an honor it is for me to assist you, Monsieur René.
24:36The bravest man in France.
24:40Who has just escaped death by Gestapo torture.
24:44And without thought of personal danger,
24:47is even now helping the British Airmen to escape.
24:52I am quite a character, am I not?
24:56Someone is knocking on the coffin.
24:58Whoa!
25:09What are you knocking for, you old bat?
25:11You are supposed to be dead.
25:12I wish to go to the bus.
25:15We have to wait.
25:18This is not a corridor, Urs.
25:21Do not speak like that to my mother.
25:23You must be kind to her.
25:25It was your idea she should be the cop's.
25:27She is the nearest thing we have.
25:29Get back to your seat.
25:31Wagons!
25:33Roll!
25:33Walk on.
25:35It is.
25:51Not much further, chaps.
25:53Charlie!
25:55Katie, Jerry's on the horizon.
25:59It looks like a roadblock.
26:02Somebody is disobeying the curfew.
26:05Funeral processions are allowed, Herr Colonel.
26:09I wonder why René is riding in the front.
26:13I wonder why the two corpses in the second hearse,
26:17they're sitting up and chatting to each other.
26:21I think it is possible that René is finally getting rid of the British airman.
26:26So that life can return to normal like he promised.
26:30Hans, tell the sergeant to let them pass.
26:37This is a funereal.
26:39We are borrowing some biddies.
26:45Biddies?
26:46Dead biddies. And Kiffins.
26:50Proceed.
26:52Let them proceed.
26:55Let them proceed.
27:03General Wurm, Klinggeroffen!
27:06Halt!
27:07Hulk!
27:17What is this?
27:18A funeral, Herr General.
27:22I see.
27:40Open the coffin.
27:47It is my brother's wife's mother. She died of the plague.
27:53What plague is this?
27:55It's a plague that kills brother's wife's mothers.
28:00Open the coffin.
28:08If this spreads across Europe, we've all had it.
28:11Yeah, yeah, quickly.
28:14Proceed!
28:15Proceed!
28:20Oh, God.
28:30Oh, thank you.
28:34Oh, thank you.
28:45I'd say the knickers held out.
28:48Well, goodbye.
28:50Goodbye.
28:51Goodbye.
28:51Thanks awfully for having us.
28:53Let me out.
28:53Let me out.
28:55Goodbye.
28:59You must come and stay with us if you ever come to England.
29:05Goodbye.
29:09Goodbye.
29:12Goodbye.
29:16Goodbye.
29:21Goodbye.
29:27Goodbye.
29:28Goodbye.
29:29Bye.
29:29Bye.
29:29Ah, thank you and now life at Café Renée can return to Melbourne.
29:45Well, that's normal as possible.
29:49Bye-bye.
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