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00:24You are probably wondering what I am doing in the larder of my cafe, sitting next to the
00:28brie. Well, I will tell you, I am very fond of brie. Also, my wife, Edith, is a very jealous
00:36woman, and this is the only place I can meet Maria. Now, Maria, well, Maria is in love with
00:42me. So, whenever I can, I meet her here for a short cuddle and a little nibble at the
00:48brie. Maria, my little cabbage. Oh, René, my spring onion. Have you brought a milking
00:54stool? Yeah. Then stand on it. René, you have started without me. How do you know? Because
01:08there's brie on your moustache. René, will we get married when the war is over? Oh, well,
01:16the bells of victory are still sounding. Oh, René, you are so romantic. Oh, no, I
01:21know. Oh, are you sure nobody knows we are here? Nobody. Oh. Psst. Oh. Do not worry.
01:30It is Michelle of the Resistance. She will repeat nothing. Listen very carefully. I shall
01:35say this only once. Your new radio transmitter is being delivered to the cafe today. It will
01:42be carried by Monsieur Leclerc, disguised as a cheese salesman. He will be the bearer of
01:48a suitcase containing cheese. How will he carry the radio? He has a false bottom. Why then
01:57does he need the suitcase? The false bottom is in the suitcase. The cheese is in the top.
02:03The radio transmitter is in the secret compartment. What do I do with it? Hide it under the bed
02:08of your wife's mother. If I put the cheese under the bed of my wife's mother, she will end
02:12up fighting the mice for it. Then put it in here. But I've already ordered my cheese. It's
02:17for the week. I will be overstocked. Then make cheese omelettes or cheese soufflés.
02:22Have a fondue party. It is far too late to turn Monsieur Leclerc into a brush salesman.
02:29She's gone. Yes. The resistance. They make these plans, but they do not think them through.
02:36Oh, yes. My wife, our time is up. Can you come back tomorrow? Of course. Oh, do not forget
02:44the milking stew. Oh, that girl. Always she is missing. René, you must speak to that girl, Maria.
03:10All where she is kicking off the time. She should not have it off without your permission.
03:17She doesn't. René, you're wanted in the back room.
03:22Ah. Edith, wipe the bar down. Set an example to the staff, huh?
03:30Hello? Is anyone hiding? Does somebody want me, huh?
03:34Yes, I do.
03:36That's my little cabbage.
03:38René, my big sprout.
03:43Pursnip.
03:44Carrots.
03:45Broccoli.
03:46Curly kale.
03:49When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup.
03:56René, you will marry me after the war is over.
03:59While the bells of victory are still sounding.
04:03Oh, René, you have a small piece of puits on your moustache.
04:07Oh, that is because I just had a little bit in the larder.
04:14René, what are you doing with your arms around Yvette?
04:18You stupid woman.
04:20There is only one thing I could possibly be doing with my arms around Yvette.
04:23I am teaching her self-defense.
04:26Those Germans in there, they get drunk and they jump on these girls.
04:29I was trying to teach her how to fight them off.
04:32Now, Yvette, I am a drunken German.
04:35You show my wife what you would do to me.
04:38Are you sure?
04:39Yes, go on.
04:39Go on.
04:44That is very good.
04:48Show me again.
04:51But a drunken German may attack me.
04:54We would stop serving him before he was that far.
04:58Oh, dear René, always he has me in his mind.
05:03I know this to be true.
05:06Oh, the Colonel is in the cafe.
05:07He wishes to have a word with you.
05:09In a little while, my ernie is giving me jip.
05:13I didn't know you had an ernie.
05:15Up till now, I didn't.
05:18This new chap who is running the bar.
05:20Where is his twin brother?
05:21From Nancy.
05:23They are astonishingly similar.
05:25That is twins all over.
05:27If anything, the new one is even more charming than his brother.
05:30The one that you shot.
05:33Yes.
05:34I don't think he bears your grudge.
05:36Quite the reverse.
05:38He appears to be very warm and friendly.
05:41He's even ordering for me my favorite cigars.
05:46Good day, gentlemen.
05:48Helga.
05:49You wish to see me, Colonel?
05:51Ah, yes.
05:51A word in private.
05:53Lieutenant Gruber, leave us alone for a short while.
05:56René and I have a small matter to discuss.
05:58Of course.
06:00Sit down, René.
06:02Yes, Colonel.
06:04Now, tomorrow at midday,
06:07Herr Flick of the Gestapo
06:09will put the painting of the fallen Madonna
06:11with the big boobies on the train to Berlin.
06:15Herr Hitler has told Himmler
06:17to pick it up himself.
06:19He is going to give it to Eva for her birthday.
06:22You must get the forgery out of your cellar
06:24and put it in its place.
06:25But I have only just bricked it up.
06:28Oh, well, ten minutes with a pickaxe
06:30and it is yours again.
06:31Also, your new uniforms are in my wardrobe.
06:34Leave them there.
06:35They will come in useful later.
06:37Now, I will tell you what we do.
06:39Tonight, on my orders,
06:42you will close your cafe
06:43for my private party
06:45to celebrate the anniversary
06:47of the burning down of the Reichstag.
06:50Every year, we have a big binge.
06:53See, and what happens at this big binge?
06:56We drink a lot of beer,
06:58the girls put on clothes like Hitler used,
07:01and then we all do
07:03traditional old Bavarian dancing.
07:06The girls have bare knees?
07:10This sounds like a lot of fun.
07:13But how does it help us
07:14to get back the painting
07:15of the Madonna with the...
07:16While Herr Flick is enjoying himself,
07:19the paintings will be...
07:21switched.
07:22But how can you be sure
07:23that Herr Flick
07:24will accept your invitation?
07:26That is where brains come in.
07:28That is why he is a colonel.
07:31Helga will give him information
07:33about the party
07:34and tell him he's not invited.
07:36I only have to hint
07:37and he will drag it out of me.
07:41This will arouse his...
07:44This will arouse his suspicion
07:45and he will not be able to stay away.
07:48Ah.
07:49I have just one question then, Colonel.
07:51Who is paying for this party?
07:53We are?
07:53It is coming out
07:54of the Armoured Car Repair Fund.
07:58But, Colonel,
07:59for bare knees,
08:00my girls charge extra.
08:02It will be worth it
08:03to get back the painting.
08:06In that case,
08:07my girls will cooperate
08:08and you shall have
08:09my very best attention.
08:10Ah.
08:11You will not be here.
08:12Huh?
08:13No.
08:13Under cover of the party,
08:15you will be at Herr Flick's headquarters
08:16switching the paintings.
08:18Oh, but, Colonel,
08:19that sounds a little bit risky.
08:21The way we will arrange it,
08:22there will be no risk at all.
08:24That being the case,
08:25why do you not do it yourselves?
08:27We have to give the party?
08:28Well, I can give the party.
08:29Ah, but you don't know
08:30old traditional Bavarian dancing?
08:33I could learn.
08:34I'm very quick.
08:34You think so?
08:36Show him.
08:38Oh.
08:39One, two, three.
08:55Well, I suppose
08:56it could take time.
08:59Helga, go advance to Herr Flick
09:01and let him
09:01wring the information out of you.
09:04Yes, Colonel.
09:07Ah, let's get this.
09:09No, what's the thing?
09:11Cheese eggs.
09:13Cheese eggs.
09:14Ah, ah.
09:15I see a typical cheese salesman
09:17entering my cafe.
09:19Excuse me.
09:20Well, I have
09:21brilliant cheeses
09:23you will buy
09:23my cheese eggs.
09:25Shut up!
09:26Shut up!
09:28Thank you,
09:29cheese seller.
09:30I am prepared
09:31to purchase
09:32all your wares.
09:34Oh.
09:35Oh.
09:36A very fortunate.
09:38Oh.
09:38Oh.
09:39Oh.
09:40Before have I had
09:41such a good day
09:42for selling the cheeses.
09:44Yes, yes.
09:44Good.
09:45That means you can
09:46go home
09:47without delay.
09:50It is I,
09:51Leclerc.
09:52Well, I never.
09:56the radio is already
09:58connected
09:59and the spare battery
10:01is in the dutchy dam
10:03with the knobs on.
10:04Huh?
10:12The face of that cheese seller
10:14seems strangely familiar.
10:16Ah.
10:16Yes.
10:17Well, it is
10:18a very small village
10:19and we do
10:20a lot of interbreeding.
10:23I believe
10:24you have a luxury
10:25for me.
10:26Huh?
10:26Oh, yes.
10:27Yes, a little packet
10:28of your favourite cigars.
10:29Yes, I...
10:31So much trouble,
10:32it is most touching.
10:45I...
10:45I do not know
10:47this tune.
10:51I do not know
10:52it all that well myself.
10:54Cheers.
11:03I beg your pardon.
11:08Pierre is enjoying
11:10his new bicycle.
11:14I am glad to hear this.
11:18Who is Pierre?
11:20Oh, he is just
11:21a young lad
11:22in the village.
11:23Did you give him
11:23the bicycle?
11:24No, no.
11:25Then why are you
11:26telling me he isn't
11:27trying it?
11:29Well, there is
11:30so little to enjoy
11:31these days.
11:32I was just
11:33making conversation.
11:37Philippe and Jean
11:38are going
11:39for this swim.
11:43Ah, indeed.
11:46Are they friends
11:47of Pierre?
11:48Well...
11:49I expect so.
11:51It's a very
11:52small place
11:53and there is
11:53only one river.
11:56Eloise is
11:57expecting a visit
11:58from the store.
12:02Oh, dear.
12:04Who...
12:04who...
12:05who is
12:05responsible?
12:07I expect
12:08it is Pierre.
12:10He has the bicycle.
12:13Listen carefully.
12:16I will meet you
12:17behind the woodshed
12:18at one o'clock.
12:35See you later, then.
12:44You shut up!
12:47Very well, Herr Flick,
12:48I will tell you.
12:49I can hold up
12:49no longer
12:50under the gaze
12:50of your penetrating eyes.
12:52The colonel
12:53and the captain
12:54are holding a party
12:55to celebrate
12:56the burning down
12:56of the Reichstag.
12:58Ah,
12:59the big binge.
13:01Will the girls
13:02be dressed
13:03as Hitler Youth?
13:04Yes, Herr Flick.
13:05With the bare knees?
13:06You are correct
13:07in every detail.
13:10I will attend
13:11uninvited.
13:13There is nowhere
13:14the Gestapo
13:15cannot go.
13:16You don't have
13:17to tell me this,
13:17Herr Flick.
13:21You will also attend?
13:23Yes, Herr Flick.
13:24With the bare knees?
13:25Unless you wish
13:26to insult the FĂŒhrer.
13:28Yes, Herr Flick.
13:31All the time
13:32I am seeing
13:33your eyes
13:33being drawn
13:34to that painting.
13:35I am captivated
13:36by it.
13:37Examine it
13:38more closely.
13:39Yes, Herr Flick.
13:44Do you wish
13:45me to examine
13:46anything in particular?
13:48Does everything
13:50look genuine
13:51to you?
13:52Very.
13:53It is a forgery.
13:56No, Herr Flick,
13:58that's the real one.
14:02I'm glad you're deceived.
14:03The real one
14:04is rolled up
14:05in my high
14:06Gestapo boots.
14:07This is a forgery
14:08I had made
14:09some weeks ago.
14:10Herr Flick,
14:11why?
14:12The forgery
14:13will go to Berlin.
14:14The real one
14:15I will sell
14:16after the war.
14:18Why are you
14:18telling me this?
14:23because you will
14:24marry me.
14:27I don't know
14:28what to say.
14:29You do not say
14:29anything until
14:30I actually ask you.
14:33Oh, my goodness,
14:35look at the time.
14:42Today is your
14:43hard day.
14:44I am very
14:45conscientious.
14:46I have much
14:46paperwork to do.
14:48You will do it
14:49tomorrow.
14:50Today, I have
14:50other plans.
14:52I have ordered
14:53an open staff car
14:54and two motorcycle
14:55escorts.
14:56Together,
14:57we will drive
14:58around the countryside
14:59scaring the pants
15:01sorts of French
15:01pisses.
15:04What fun!
15:09It is,
15:10Yvette,
15:12Maria.
15:14An old woman
15:15lies here
15:16going weak
15:18for lack
15:18of nourishment.
15:21How much
15:22longer
15:23can I live
15:24like these?
15:25Oh, Mama,
15:26do not fret
15:27yourself.
15:27We are just
15:28warming up
15:29your onion soup.
15:30onion soup.
15:32Ursel,
15:33we have for you
15:34a visitor.
15:36Soon,
15:36it will be
15:37the angels
15:38that are calling
15:40for me.
15:42Oh,
15:46my God,
15:47I am worse
15:48than I thought.
15:50I must confess.
15:53Oh,
15:53oh,
15:54I have cheated,
15:56I have lied,
15:56I have stolen,
15:57and I have had
15:59many lovers
16:00including
16:00an alphabetical order.
16:05This is not a nun.
16:06This is Michelle
16:08of resistance.
16:09Oh,
16:10oh,
16:10take no notice
16:11of me.
16:13I am
16:14delirious.
16:16Where are
16:17the British airmen?
16:18They are
16:19hidden
16:19where no one
16:20can find them.
16:24Hello,
16:25chat.
16:27now listen
16:28very carefully.
16:30It is.
16:30Why is my bedroom
16:33so full of midgets?
16:36Fair number.
16:39Now listen,
16:40chaps,
16:40we've had a chinwag
16:42with London,
16:43and they've okayed
16:43a boat for you.
16:44Oh,
16:44good show.
16:45When do we leave?
16:47As soon as that bloke,
16:48Leclerc,
16:48has forged the papers.
16:50Where is the
16:51forger?
16:51Ah,
16:52he is at hand,
16:53close in the closet.
16:58That is the state
16:59of the forged papers
17:01for the British airmen.
17:03I have finished.
17:05Everything
17:05is ready.
17:07Good.
17:08Is there anything else?
17:09Not at the moment.
17:10Good.
17:14We'll probably
17:15have you away tonight.
17:17Right here.
17:17I see.
17:18Doodoo.
17:18Doodoo.
17:21I can't help you.
17:26Love's always
17:27been my game.
17:28Play it
17:29how I may.
17:30I was made
17:32that way.
17:33I can't help you.
17:37Men cluster
17:38to me
17:39like moths
17:40around the flames.
17:42I know
17:44I'm not
17:46to blame.
17:49Lieutenant
17:49Gruber,
17:50he's very
17:51handsome.
17:57Not you
17:58too.
18:02I should be
18:03a lot happier
18:04when Helga
18:05and Herr Flicker
18:05here.
18:06Otherwise,
18:07Rene could find
18:08himself in quite
18:09a lot of trouble.
18:10Never mind,
18:11Hans.
18:11We have a
18:12alibi.
18:13We are here.
18:17Fanny!
18:20I brought you
18:21onion soup.
18:22Oh,
18:22no,
18:23no,
18:23no,
18:23no.
18:23What are you
18:26doing?
18:27Edith and
18:28Rene are
18:29away on a
18:29secret mission
18:30and they may
18:31never return.
18:33I am
18:34obeying my
18:35daughter's
18:35lost request.
18:38What is this?
18:39Keep an eye
18:40on the till.
18:43I could keep
18:44the eye
18:45on the till.
18:45Yes,
18:47you will
18:48also have
18:48your hand
18:49in the till.
18:51What am I
18:53to do?
18:54I can't
18:56help
18:56it.
19:06And now,
19:07fellow officers
19:08of the victorious
19:09German army,
19:11in accordance
19:12with our
19:13ancient
19:13Bavarian
19:14tradition,
19:15I give you
19:16for your
19:17entertainment,
19:18Grunilla,
19:19Erika,
19:21Hilda,
19:22Inga,
19:23Yvette and
19:24Maria,
19:25the Hitler Youth.
19:27Hooray!
20:07Bravo!
20:18Our girls make very good boys, do they not?
20:21Yes, indeed. One could easily be fooled.
20:32Do not let the fact that I am a senior member of the Gestapo
20:36and did not receive an invitation to your gathering
20:39stop you from having a jolly time.
20:43Have we your permission to carry on, Herr Flick?
20:45Of course.
20:47Albert, music!
21:03Who is having the drinks?
21:05Help yourself, Herr Flick. It's home free.
21:08This is good.
21:13Well, in hell, we'll have bad news.
21:16Like you, Herr Flick has had made a forgery of the painting of the Fall of Madonna
21:20with a big boobies by Van Klump.
21:22This forgery hangs at this moment on the wall of his apartment.
21:27Then where is the real Van Klump?
21:29Rolled up in Herr Flick's high Gestapo boot.
21:32Then we will switch a forgery with this forgery.
21:35And we will be back where we start.
21:36We must tell Ronnie.
21:38Ah, it's too late.
21:39He has a disguise and a pass.
21:42And by now, he's outside the very gates of Herr Flick's headquarters.
21:46Oh.
21:54There is a sentry.
21:55Of course there is a sentry.
21:57Oh, my knees have turned to Vichy water.
22:00Pull yourself together.
22:09Remember, we are German officers.
22:12If we believe it, they will believe it.
22:18I don't believe it.
22:21Lift foot first.
22:23Quick match.
22:29Halt.
22:31Sentry, what is the password?
22:35Dusseldorf, Herr Captain.
22:37Good.
22:37Let us pass.
22:41Let us pass.
22:45See?
22:46All you need is confidence.
22:49Beginner's luck.
22:53Halt.
22:55Dusseldorf.
22:57Bremerhaven.
22:58No.
22:59Dusseldorf.
23:01The reply is Bremerhaven.
23:03I'm glad to see you on your toes.
23:06Yes.
23:08Yes.
23:19Why have we halted?
23:21I was just getting into the swing of it.
23:23The cushion which I am wearing under my jacket
23:25to make my stomach look like the colonel's
23:27is slipping down towards my crutch.
23:29I will help you to adjust it.
23:36Stop.
23:37We will arouse the suspicion of the sentry.
23:39No, we will not.
23:41We are German officers.
23:42They do a lot of this sort of thing.
23:45Please hurry, then.
23:50Everything is back in position.
23:52Good.
23:54Ready?
23:55Quick.
23:56March.
24:02Halt.
24:03Dusseldorf on Bremerhaven.
24:05I am supposed to say Bremerhaven.
24:08They have said it for you.
24:10Well, you're not supposed to say it for me.
24:12You're taking away my job.
24:14Do not argue with a superior officer.
24:18Pink.
24:22Hyena.
24:23Hyena.
24:25Hyena.
24:31What is going on?
24:33This fool is preventing our entry.
24:35We have a parcel for her pick.
24:37He's out.
24:38We will put it in his room.
24:40I will put it in his room.
24:44Heil Hitler.
24:45Hyena.
24:45No.
24:47You follow me.
24:53We have lost the painting.
24:55If you throw your fault.
24:57Big.
24:58Dog.
24:58Hyena.
24:59Yes.
25:06Bravo!
25:13Hello!
25:15Hello, gentlemen.
25:16We...
25:17It is cabaret time at the Café Rennais.
25:19And tonight, we bring you the toast of Paris.
25:22Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
25:23And the star of the Folly Vigier 1919, the exotic, Mademoiselle Fanny.
25:43I am called Cockett.
25:47The girl they can't forget.
25:51I drive them wild with desire.
25:56And when I lift my dresses high, should I take off my chemise?
26:05Oh, la, la, la.
26:09All right, you know.
26:11I think we have here what is known as a party pooper.
26:19Do not make a noise.
26:21Oh, my feet are killing me.
26:26It is all that goose-deppy.
26:28Don't move.
26:28No.
26:29Do not turn on the light.
26:31It is Michelle.
26:32I've been waiting for you.
26:34Now listen very carefully.
26:36I shall say this only once.
26:39There has been a change of plan.
26:42The British Airmen must leave for the coast tonight.
26:44You will be their escort.
26:46I have here for you a German uniform.
26:48I am already wearing a German uniform.
26:52What?
26:53Take my word for it.
26:55And keep your hands off my medals.
27:00Where's your Waffen uniform?
27:02I enjoy it.
27:05How will the Airmen be disguised?
27:08The same as I am.
27:16Is that all right?
27:18Jolly good.
27:19Now all you have to do is keep as cool as the old cucumber and we'll do the talking.
27:22If you want us to sing any songs, we both know underneath the spreading chestnut tree.
27:28With actions.
27:30Chestnut.
27:31See?
27:33I don't think that's one of Hitler's favourites.
27:37We have a message for you.
27:39The talk is on the back.
27:41Good.
27:42Did anyone see you leave?
27:43No.
27:44When your mother started to sing, everybody shut their eyes and put their fingers in their ears.
27:48Good.
27:49We go now.
27:50Just a minute.
27:51We have a business to run here, you know.
27:55No.
27:56No.
27:57Not the dance of the ölching peacock.
28:01Mother.
28:02Put them back on.
28:04Oh, God.
28:06Come on.
28:07Let us get out of here.
28:24Well, what happens next?
28:26We march to the beach.
28:31What happens next?
28:33We march to the beach, old chap.
28:35Oh, thank you.
28:41By the left, quick, march.
28:49Nearly there, Castell.
28:51I'm after these sorts.
28:58Halt!
29:00Dusseldorf!
29:01That was yesterday.
29:03What is the word today?
29:05Munich.
29:06Gib!
29:06Well done!
29:08Halt!
29:10Keep going.
29:11We are taking the Hitler Youth for running and jumping and playing leapfrog on descents.
29:16And swimming in the sea.
29:18This day we will have a master race.
29:21With pneumonia.
29:35Right, here is the boat.
29:37Let's run it down to the water.
29:44Let's run it down to the water.
29:54Let's run it down to the water.
29:54Right, chaps.
29:55In you go.
29:56Um, before we start rowing, don't you think we ought to wait for a signal from the submarine?
30:02What submarine?
30:03What submarine?
30:03A submarine that's going to take us back to England.
30:06Who said anything about a submarine?
30:09Well, there has to be a submarine.
30:12You don't expect us to row 20 miles in that thing.
30:16Now, look here, you fellows.
30:18A jolly brave French fisherman risked his life to get you that boat.
30:22I mean, look at it.
30:24It's got a dead crab in it.
30:26Look at what waves!
30:27You couldn't drive that thing on that!
30:29What?
30:30I get seasick on the boating lake at Regent's Park.
30:33Well, are you going or not?
30:36No.
30:37Well, are they going or not?
30:40No.
30:41I mean, not.
30:43So what are we going to do then?
30:45The sentry is watching us.
30:48I think, a quick game of leapfrog and then back to the café.
31:03Well, I was so proud of you.
31:07Well, I haven't done it.
31:07Well.
31:13Oh!
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