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00:05The End
00:28you are probably wondering what I am doing driving a German armored car well I have been helping the
00:36captain to blow up a train with a sausage I know that this does not sound important but it is
00:44the
00:45sausage is being sent to Hitler who thinks that it contains the priceless portrait of the fallen
00:51Madonna with the big boobies that painting is in fact in the sausage in my cellar that four-eyed
01:00burke up there behind the gun turret who could not could not eat a barn door at 20 paces failed
01:08to hit
01:08the train so now it will receive an empty sausage when that happens my friend the canuck verse will
01:16really hit the fan however one disaster at a time if I can park this thing back at my cafe
01:27before
01:27anybody realizes that we have nicked it well at least I will not get done for taking and driving
01:33away an armored car without the permission of the owner you will drive do not lie lieutenant you may rely
01:52on the
01:52Gestapo to find your missing tank then we do the occupants will be short but Colonel it is rather
02:00chilly shall I place this rug over our knees no the cold air will be good first particularly you
02:10which way her flick we will follow the obvious tire marks of the stolen armored car
02:25what is going on this stupid Englishman disguised as a policeman told the lieutenant that his tank had
02:31been stolen I didn't need to know that it had been drove away by Rene Rene who walks in the
02:38beer idiot it is
02:42everything has a gun if he finds runner he was shooting oh we must ask you him we will follow
02:49we will use the
02:50obstacles of the customers do you have a spanner or a wrench do it be with I must lower my
03:04saddle as
03:06well as my feet will not reach your pedals sit on the crossbar watch out for that three-speed gear
03:21captain what is it a word of warning this time mind the bridge thank you I will
03:35the ammunition lorry will be here in a few minutes let us put in place the roadblock
03:53the tracks are faint but they are still visible straight on if it Maria pull down your skirts you
04:02want to get my cafe a bed name it doesn't matter to ever does I must go and see to
04:11the welfare of the
04:11British Airmen how are you getting on there chaps what's happening how much longer do we have to
04:19pay out you're not due for milking until 5 30 I'm jolly hungry here's a bar of chocolate
04:29you have to blow up an ammunition lorry then we'll see if we can rustle up some soup oh good
04:34show
04:36Henriette have you connected the terminals to the plunger I have where are the explosives they're over
04:41there they are buried in the road good I see no sign of their ammunition lorry look an armored car
04:52is
04:53approaching from the other direction get your guns that's already if we can hold it up for a few
05:00moments the lorry will be here and we can fulfill our mission for France we shall you are the bravest
05:09girl
05:10that I know you too Henriette God bless our mission God bless France
05:32what is that in the road it is a farm wagon it is very badly parked get out and move
05:41it ready
05:44fire
05:51in second thoughts I will wait a bit
06:02quick I'll hand your cheek are you wounded no I wish to surrender
06:19it is the white flag of surrender look it is Rene
06:33you traitor so you have joined the Germans
06:36this gentleman kindly helped me to borrow the tanks so so we could blow up the train the one
06:41you refused to blow up because you were blowing up an ammunition lorry that is why we are here well
06:46you're wasting your time as soon as we heard you were going to blow it up we canceled it
06:50who told you he did
06:56whoo
06:57collaborator
06:58Michel it is all part of a very complicated plan to do with Hitler and a sausage and a lot
07:05of paintings
07:05which would take too long to explain I don't understand half of it myself
07:10it was tough car is approaching what our mission is burn we must stop her quick
07:30Hans what are you doing with human's little tank I too would like to know the answer to that question
07:37well colonel you see it's quite clear to see what has happened here flick
07:41Rene overheard a plot by the resistance to blow up an ammunition lorry assisted by the captain he borrowed the
07:49armored car and with great bravery found the roadblock and fought off the resistance who even now can be seen
07:57running across the fields I was just about to say all that
08:01it's been a very fierce battle
08:04my armored car is covered with little dents
08:08and there is mud all over the wheels
08:12I am not entirely convinced by this story
08:15I have found proof Herr Flick
08:21see
08:21this device is commonly used by the resistance
08:25when they are going to blow something up
08:27what nonsense
08:29this is an ordinary tire pump
08:32which has been discarded by a passing motorist
08:35this would not even blow up a tire
08:50well Nick
08:51you have exploded the Gestapo car
08:56well that's nothing to worry about
08:59the Gestapo could always get another car from Berlin
09:03I shall not be informing Berlin of this incident
09:07I do not wish to look a right nana
09:12no
09:15you fools
09:16you've blurred the covers
09:21Lieutenant Kuba
09:22you will drive us home
09:28what's going on now Fairfax
09:30a lot of girls in their scanties are climbing onto men's bicycles
09:34oh come on
09:36what's really going on
09:38what's really going on
09:58I never want to go through a night like that again
10:02when Hitler gets his hands on the Colonel's sausage
10:05and finds no painting
10:07the Colonel and the Captain will have had their chips
10:10good riddance
10:11speaking for myself
10:13I am up to ear with sausages and paintings and Gestapo and escaping airmen
10:18all I want is a quiet life
10:22oh
10:23customers
10:23here's the rear clues
10:25go away
10:26cafe chanet
10:28that's not high open until 9.30
10:32it is the colonel and the captain
10:34oh my god
10:36what now
10:36let them in
10:43we can't close the curtains
10:45colonel
10:46why are you dressed like that
10:48is the war over
10:49for us
10:50very likely
10:52when Hitler gets that empty sausage
10:54and the telegram from the colonel
10:55he will send some very nasty men to look for us
10:59really
11:01you must help us get away
11:02yes
11:03we thought Switzerland would do very nicely
11:06we know you run an escape route
11:07yes
11:08we need papers
11:08we know you have a forger
11:10oh dear colonel
11:11I think you have quite the wrong idea about me
11:14I am just a simple cafe owner
11:16Rene
11:17if you do not help us
11:19I will drop you in it
11:21what are you going to use for money
11:24we have the painting
11:25and we pay all for the troops
11:29when the troops find out will they not be cross?
11:31they will be hopping mad
11:34what?
11:36it is the police
11:38no!
11:39don't let them in
11:40we have good papers
11:41we have good papers
11:45huh?
11:47Captain
11:48open the door
11:51oh my god
11:52it's that stupid British idiot who thinks he can speak French
11:58yes
11:58good morning
12:02um
12:02I would offer you a cognac, officer
12:05but I know you are not allowed to drink on duty
12:07so goodbye
12:08I have come to express my regrets for the bills up last night
12:14yes, well there will be an even bigger bills up this morning if you do not go away
12:18I have good nose
12:21yes, yes
12:22you are very handsome
12:23now please go
12:24my nose is as follows
12:27the troon carrying the sausage has been bummed by the RAF
12:34bummed by the RAF?
12:36bummed by the RAF?
12:38what have the naughty RAF been up to now?
12:42we have bombed an ammunition train
12:44did they destroy it?
12:46there were little pisses all over the track
12:52oh my god
12:53yes
12:53yes
12:53this calls for a drink
12:56oh
12:57it is
12:58ivert
12:59Maria
13:02how much longer am i to be ignored
13:06oh
13:07oh
13:07it is
13:08where have you been
13:09i have not seen you for days
13:12do not be silly mama
13:13i gave you your lunch
13:15Listen, I have good news. Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker is calling.
13:22Oh, Undertaker!
13:25So little time!
13:28You know, Mama! I think he is in love with me. Oh, it is so romantic.
13:33I think he is coming to propose to me. Do you remember? We met him in the square. He has
13:40a moustache.
13:40Oh, yes, yes. I remember him well. He had a little stiff one.
13:46Exactly.
13:49Oh, he has such manners. And today, this arrived. And on it was this little card with a love message.
13:57Oh.
14:00Swiftly and with style.
14:05He has a high opinion of himself.
14:08No, no, no, Mama. The other side.
14:12I always think engagement rings are such romantic, pretty things.
14:18And so, before my life is done, I would dearly like to give you one.
14:30Could you read the first part again?
14:37Quick, shut the door.
14:39Where is my wife?
14:40She is upstairs dressed up like the dinner of a dog.
14:43She is going to parade herself yet again in the town square.
14:47Oh, but Renée, you should be happy. If she marries, you will be free.
14:51And without a solitary sue.
14:53We will have money. We will borrow explosives from the resistance,
14:57blur the safe, nick the money, and hide in a little galette in Paris.
15:02And make love, day and night, until the war is over.
15:08Oh!
15:10The very thought of it makes me go weak at the knees.
15:16Oh, not her again.
15:30Now listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
15:35The escape package brought by this British agent was damaged in the landing.
15:40You must help us to mend it.
15:42Mend it? I don't even know what it is.
15:43It is a balloon made of silk.
15:46Filled without air, it will lift the basket with the airmen
15:50and, with a favourable wind, take them back across the channel.
15:54Brilliant.
15:55And what do you want, a needle and cotton?
15:57Some of the fabric is torn away and missing.
16:00We need silk to replace it.
16:02Silk? Where am I supposed to find silk?
16:05The urgent crop tree has a plan, which you will explain.
16:09You must go and get your hands on girls' knockers.
16:17It means silk knickers.
16:20Sorry.
16:21Perhaps my French cod be butter.
16:25I will give up my knickers for France.
16:29Always the patriot.
16:33All the girls in the resistance will sacrifice their knickers.
16:38When I hear words like that, it brings a lump to my throat.
16:43But even that will not be enough.
16:46Well, how many pairs of knock-knickers do you require?
16:51At least farty or even fifty.
16:59I will try for fifty.
17:03Honey, is your wife's mother passed away?
17:07Well, if she has, she did not tell me.
17:09Why do you ask?
17:11Outside is torn up a horse with a horse.
17:14An horse, horse, outside my cafe.
17:17What can that mean?
17:21René, go away.
17:23What?
17:23It is Monsieur Alponce.
17:25He has come to court me.
17:28Ah, the widow Artois.
17:35You look so pale and beautiful.
17:39How can this man see to bury people?
17:45I think you have met the twin brother of my husband.
17:48Ah, Monsieur.
17:49How fortunate it is that you are here.
17:52As I wish to make my intentions known to you.
17:55Ah, you may speak with complete frankness, Monsieur.
17:58My girls cater to every taste.
18:03You clumsy oaf.
18:05Monsieur Alponce has come to ask for my hand in marriage.
18:08What?
18:08That is correct.
18:09René, where is your hospitality?
18:11Let us be seated and have some wine.
18:14René, a cognac for Monsieur Alponce.
18:17René, a cognac, Marie.
18:21Now, Monsieur.
18:22I believe you are the next of kin and guardian, this enchanting lady.
18:26Therefore, you would wish to know what I have to offer.
18:30Yes, what does an old undertaker have to offer?
18:35Hey, Monsieur, as you know, I have my own undertaker's establishment.
18:40And since the war, business has been very brisk.
18:43It is an ill wind, as they say.
18:53No, Monsieur.
18:55I have two horses and four horses.
18:58Four horses, René.
19:00Well, you should have good rhubarb.
19:04I have 236 feet of plain oak, stocks of elm, pine, etc.
19:10I have 26 marble angels, 12 concrete cherubs, 100 weight of assorted handles, and eight gallons
19:18of embalming fluid.
19:19Cheers.
19:21Sounds a very good business, René.
19:23Hey, who could refuse a man with all those coffins and eight gallons of embalming fluids?
19:30I should also mention, I have a small horse with a smaller horse.
19:35Very handy for shopping.
19:37And where is your house?
19:38Yes.
19:39My house.
19:40I have a spacious apartment, equipped with every luxury.
19:45And where is this apartment?
19:47Over the mortuary.
19:50It was furnished by my late wife, who was taken suddenly in the night.
19:55Well, at least she did not have far to go.
19:59Of course, I realize, beautiful lady, that you have the pick of the town.
20:05That you also have younger suitors, more often together.
20:13In the toughest wood, I also have driving ambition.
20:18One day, I aim to have a little crematorium of my own.
20:29I am going to be a nervous wreck in a minute.
20:32I realize, of course, that you cannot come to a decision at this moment.
20:36Anyway, it is time I went, as I am due to lay the widow Montclair.
20:46Out in half an hour.
20:49Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about.
20:52Well, my respects, monsieur.
20:55Ladies.
20:58Widow Artois.
21:03I await your decision with anguish.
21:09You can always get me on my night line.
21:18I give 24-hour service.
21:30Not netball.
21:32No good.
21:33Let out the gas.
21:47I see a big pair.
21:50What are you doing, monsieur?
21:53Pardon, madame.
21:55I am doing it for France.
21:57I have to have your knickers.
22:07Enter.
22:11Yes, Helga.
22:12What can we do for you?
22:13Judging from past experience, very little.
22:17Colonel.
22:18I have something very serious to report.
22:21And it is very personal.
22:23A bun in the oven?
22:25How dare you!
22:27Helga.
22:28Your mum's friends.
22:29What is it?
22:30I have to report that I have lost my knickers.
22:34It's on the right line.
22:38Are you in love with the fellow?
22:40It happened just now in the garden.
22:43They were removed when I was not even looking.
22:45What daylight?
22:46They were taken from the line.
22:49They were my best silk ones.
22:51Oh, the ones with the little spastic around the edge.
22:55Hans, how did you know?
22:57When did you see Helga's knickers?
22:59It was Christmas.
23:01When she was hanging up the holly.
23:04No wonder you were so keen to hold up the ladder.
23:08What did you see people do?
23:11Arrest some peasants and shoot them.
23:14Helga, even Germans cannot shoot people for one pair of knickers.
23:18You're right, Colonel.
23:19After all, what is in a pair of knickers?
23:27Heil Hitler!
23:29Heil Hitler!
23:30Heil Hitler!
23:32Colonel!
23:33In the town under your command, there is serious indiscipline.
23:37Could you be more specific, Herr Flick?
23:40My agents report that there are many knickers disappearing in this town.
23:45Really?
23:46What kind of a man would do that?
23:48Kinky.
23:51Mine were removed only a few moments ago.
23:53No.
23:54Not the ones with the little swastikas on the side.
23:58The very same.
24:01Suddenly, this minor incident has taken a very serious turn.
24:06When ordinary French knickers are removed, one could look the other way.
24:11To remove the knickers of glorious German army womanhood can only result in one penalty.
24:18Life?
24:19Death.
24:21What do you wish me to do, Herr Flick?
24:23A man suspected of the stealing was seen going into the back door of Café René.
24:30You will investigate.
24:31At once, Herr Flick.
24:33Heil Hitler!
24:33Heil Hitler!
24:40You seem very far away, René.
24:42You have not spoken to me all morning.
24:46My heart is full of sadness, Edith.
24:50It seems after all these years of magic, I am to lose you to a director of funerals.
24:56Your heart is full of sadness because you are worried about losing the café.
25:01But I have been thinking, René, I cannot do this to you after all these years.
25:07Oh, Edith, you have made me very happy.
25:10I will let you stay on as a barman.
25:14No, no, I could not stay here and watch the two of you climb those stairs together.
25:21Oh, René, I promise you, I would never do that with him.
25:23We will climb the stairs at his place.
25:28That does it.
25:29I will go now.
25:32No longer can I put a brave face on this tragic affair.
25:40Oh, René.
25:42Do I really mean so much to you?
25:45And is it true you could not live without me?
25:50And if I promise to marry you, will you promise forever more to be faithful to me?
26:00And do you find me as beautiful as ever?
26:09Then, although it will break Monsieur Alphonse's heart, I will tell him I am destined for another.
26:15There is another one?
26:17No, René.
26:30Oh, I am glad I can still make you happy.
26:36Hold on.
26:37These flowers here were on the doorstep.
26:40They are dressed to you.
26:41They are from a Monsieur Alphonse.
26:43I hear he intends to marry you.
26:46No, I have made up my mind.
26:48I am going to marry René.
26:53René, René?
26:55I am afraid so.
27:03Congratulations.
27:09The eternal triangle.
27:13Ah, Colonel.
27:15Welcome to my humble café.
27:17I am afraid this is an official visit, René.
27:20Line up your staff immediately.
27:22Yes, of course, Colonel.
27:23Come in here, all of you.
27:25The Colonel wishes to speak with you.
27:27Was it the rabbit last night, Colonel?
27:29It was not the rabbit.
27:31Oh, I see.
27:32Well then, may I inquire the nature of your problem?
27:35Knickers.
27:37I am sorry I asked.
27:40Now, pay attention all of you.
27:42There are missing in this town many pairs of silk knickers.
27:47Including a pair formerly occupied by a member of the German staff.
27:53Who shall remain nameless.
27:55Helga.
28:02They will trace to this address.
28:05I require an explanation.
28:07Colonel, it is very simple.
28:10We wanted the silk, which is in very short supply, to make a wedding dress.
28:16A wedding dress?
28:18How romantic.
28:22Who's it for?
28:23You.
28:24Me.
28:25I am to be married.
28:27Who's the lucky man?
28:28It is I.
28:30Alphonse, director of funerals, swiftly and with style.
28:34Hooray!
28:35No, no, you misunderstand.
28:37I am to marry the brother of my late husband, René.
28:42René?
28:42I am!
28:47Monsieur.
28:48A few hours ago I came here as a man of honor to ask you for this lady's hand.
28:55You have humiliated me, Monsieur.
28:58You have insulted me.
29:00I will have satisfaction.
29:02It is too late for that.
29:04She has chosen me.
29:09I am a man of honor, Monsieur.
29:11You will be hearing from me.
29:13And my representatives will arrange the time and the place.
29:23He will not take no for an answer, will he?
29:26René!
29:27He has challenged you to a duel.
29:30What?
29:31Oh, yes.
29:32Men are fighting over me.
29:35Oh, shut up.
29:37Colonel, Colonel, you must have friends.
29:38I need papers.
29:39I have to get away, please.
29:41Swiftly and with style.
29:43Huh?
29:44Oh, my God.
29:45I'm just kidding, my God.
29:45What?
30:02I'm just kidding, my God.
30:02That's a good step.
30:02I'm just kidding, my God.
30:08I need your help.
30:13I need help.
30:13I need that power.
30:14I need help.
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