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00:20We loved, we parted, as fate had to reign, now where you stand and nothing has been
00:30a vet, a large cognac.
00:32I have it for you here when I eat you.
00:35You are my love, my only love, once more.
00:41In me, you see a man who has problems.
00:44At that table over there are two German officers dressed as onion sellers because I gave their
00:50uniforms to some British airmen to help them to escape.
00:54However, the British airmen burned the uniforms.
00:57Don't ask me why.
00:58And they are now hiding upstairs in the wardrobe of my wife's mother, who is in bed in the
01:04attic.
01:06Playing the piano is Monsieur Leclerc, jailbird and forger, who, in his youth, was the lover,
01:14God help him, of my wife's mother, and who, for all I know, might well be my wife's father.
01:22Herr Fleek, the Gestapo officer, is also dressed as an onion seller in order to trace the missing
01:28painting by Van Klomp of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies, which I just happen to
01:35have upon my person.
01:39But even worse than all this, my wife, Edith, who you will have noticed cannot carry a tune
01:48in a bucket, is about to sing another chorus.
01:52The German lieutenant at that table there fancies me.
01:57And these two rings on my fingers contain two suicide pills.
02:04But I could go on forever.
02:06René, come into the back room, quickly.
02:10My little chicken, Maria, I have not time for that sort of thing now.
02:15The restaurant is full.
02:16Meet me tonight at 11 o'clock in the cold room by the icebox.
02:20No, René.
02:21Michel wants you in the back room.
02:24Michel wants the resistance.
02:26Do not mention that word in here.
02:28Oh, that Michel will get me shot.
02:31Look after the bar.
02:33Can we still meet at 11 o'clock?
02:35Of course.
02:36Can we meet somewhere else, waiting for you by the icebox?
02:40It's so unromantic.
02:42But you don't have to sit on it.
02:45All right, then.
02:46Meet me in the cold cellar.
02:48But that gets so dirty in there.
02:49Yes, I know.
02:54Michel?
02:57Michel!
02:59I'm here.
03:01Why can't you wait in the room like an ordinary person?
03:04Because I'm not an ordinary person.
03:07To avoid being discovered by the Germans, I have to move with great cunning and secrecy.
03:11Otherwise, I will be shot.
03:12I understand.
03:14I have the same trouble with my wife.
03:20No, listen very carefully.
03:22I shall say this only once.
03:25You are to take this container.
03:27I see.
03:28And what does this container contain?
03:31Balls.
03:34Michel, up until now, our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis.
03:39If I have ever said anything to offend you, I have to...
03:41Balls jean.
03:43Oh.
03:44This type of jean is colored a very pale blue.
03:47Well, I run a bar.
03:48I do know that.
03:50Natural glycerin is also colored a very pale blue.
03:53Oh.
03:53I didn't know that.
03:54But what is the connection?
03:56This is natural glycerin.
03:57Ah.
03:59Very gentle is it.
04:00Do not drop it.
04:02Do not let anyone see it.
04:04Add it in your cellar.
04:06At 11 o'clock, there is going to be a big bang.
04:12That was not definite.
04:14It was only a loose analogy.
04:18What are you talking about?
04:20What are you talking about?
04:23I am asking you to add this bottle in your cellar.
04:25It is to blow up the railway line.
04:27But the railway line does not run over my cellar.
04:31My restaurant runs over my cellar.
04:33I know that.
04:36I will be back to collect it quite soon.
04:38Well, in that case, why don't you just keep it?
04:40Because if the Germans find it, they will shoot me.
04:43Well, if they find it here, won't they shoot me?
04:45You have a cafe.
04:47You have a bar.
04:48Why should you not have a bottle of balls, jean?
04:50If I could think of a reason, I would give you one.
04:58So here we go, the same refrain, the final encore.
05:03You are my love, my only love, once more.
05:18Oh, thank you for your kind of applause.
05:21Now, are there any requests?
05:23Two beers and some more cheese.
05:33Ah, what would you like, Lieutenant?
05:36Well, I have a fancy for something a little different.
05:38What do you suggest?
05:40Maybe a small potent lemon?
05:43Definitely, very nicely.
05:46There is Monsieur René.
05:48I have been trying to catch his eye all night, but I think he is avoiding me.
05:52He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
05:54But I am sure he is not trying to avoid you.
05:57He is too busy trying to avoid his wife.
06:01That is very interesting.
06:08Ah, Monsieur René!
06:10Ah, Lieutenant, have you got a drink?
06:15I was asking for something a little different.
06:16What is that you have there?
06:18Oh, it's just a very exotic gin.
06:21Ah, it is new to me.
06:23What is it?
06:24Balls.
06:27Monsieur René, so far our relationship has been on a sea life.
06:32I believe him anyway.
06:33No, no, no.
06:35B-O-L-S.
06:37Balls.
06:38Oh, so sorry.
06:41It is most intriguing.
06:43I will try some.
06:44Oh, no, no, no.
06:45I cannot open the bottle just for one gin.
06:48Well, make it two balls.
06:51You would have one also.
06:53No, even for two I cannot open it.
06:56Well, perhaps she would like one as well.
06:58Oh, yes, I would love one.
06:59You do not drink on duty.
07:01Since when?
07:02Since now.
07:03Perhaps you would like to give your wife one.
07:07Out of the question.
07:08Well, I will buy the whole bottle.
07:10It's not for sale.
07:12Are you trying to get rid of me?
07:13Oh, no!
07:15Not deliberately, no.
07:19It is.
07:21René, Maria, Yvette.
07:25Will nobody answer me?
07:29I say, would you mind making a little less noise?
07:32I'm trying to get some sleep in here.
07:35Men in my wardrobe.
07:38What's she saying?
07:39I have no idea.
07:41French is all Greek to me.
07:43I hope she's not calling for more onion soup.
07:46She as well has to stuff more chewing gum in the keyhole.
07:51It is I, your daughter Edith.
07:54I brought you your onion soup.
07:57Oh, my Scott!
08:00Why is it always onion soup?
08:04Because we are helping British Airmen to escape disguised as onion sellers and we cannot waste the onions.
08:10Oh, could you not disguise the airmen as butchers, then I could have a good steak.
08:17You did be difficult, Mama.
08:19I am an invalid.
08:22Invalides have poached eggs.
08:26Why cannot I have poached eggs?
08:30Because the ends, they are not laying.
08:33In my day, we mix the corn with gin.
08:37Such is always making them lay.
08:41Also, it would do me good.
08:44When I have a new bottle, I will bring you some.
08:51Hans, what's the time, Hans?
08:56It's no good.
08:58My eyes are running so much from these damned onions.
09:01I see.
09:02Neither can I.
09:03One whole day we've been away from the office.
09:07What will they say in Berlin if they find out we're not there?
09:10I think they will be very cross.
09:13That fool of a sentry.
09:15Did not recognize me when I tried to get in.
09:17But you had no papers.
09:18He hit me with his rifle butt.
09:20It's a graceful way to treat an old peasant.
09:24There's Helga.
09:25She may have some news.
09:27Here, sit down.
09:30Colonel, I have bad news.
09:32I have been to the cleaners for your spare uniforms and they are not ready.
09:36You fool girl, you should have bought them as they were.
09:38Yes.
09:38You should have bought them as they were.
09:40Fool girl.
09:41They have been sent away.
09:43They have gone to Paris.
09:44You ordered deluxe service.
09:46I did not order deluxe service.
09:49Who ordered deluxe service?
09:50I did.
09:52You and your creases.
09:54You try to be smart down here.
09:56You should be smart up here.
09:58I sent my hat also.
10:01I have more news.
10:03Is it good or bad?
10:04But I am your superior officer.
10:07I asked the questions.
10:08In these clothes we are equal.
10:10On the contrary.
10:11My onions are bigger than your onions.
10:14And I have two o's.
10:16Lucky you.
10:18Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock, General von Klinkerhofen is coming to inspect.
10:22Von Klinkerhofen?
10:23Not the Von Klinkerhofen.
10:25Answer you fool.
10:26How many Von Klinkerhofen still think there are?
10:29The telegram in your office says you are to meet him at the station.
10:32This is disaster.
10:34Can you imagine the stink in Berlin?
10:38Von Klinkerhofen.
10:39Met by two onion sellers.
10:42Hitler will do his nut.
10:45What are we going to do?
10:47We could borrow a revolver.
10:48To shoot ourselves.
10:50I suppose that's the honourable thing to do.
10:53After all we are officers and soldiers.
10:56I just thought the thing would shoot our little toes off.
11:00Then we could go to hospital.
11:02Where they wear pyjamas.
11:03No.
11:04Perhaps René has news.
11:07René.
11:08Yes, Herr Onion seller.
11:11One moment.
11:12Monsieur Leclerc.
11:16Take this gin to my mother.
11:20Gin.
11:24I have forgotten how it smells.
11:27So long have I been in the nick.
11:30René.
11:32Take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens.
11:35It will help them to lay.
11:38Yes, Colonel.
11:40René, sit down.
11:41Thank you, Colonel.
11:44Now, listen René.
11:46I will come straight to the point.
11:48If you do not get these uniforms by tonight,
11:50you will be shot.
11:52You don't beat about the bush, do you, Colonel?
11:54I do not.
11:55Now, why don't you try it sometime?
11:58It's better for the nerves.
12:00Especially my nerves.
12:02Well, do we get them or not?
12:04Colonel, they are coming from London.
12:06London?
12:07Helga, the less you know the better.
12:09Put some cheese in your ears.
12:12I'm afraid there was a slight delay, Colonel.
12:14The tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah.
12:17A Jewish tailor?
12:18Oh, I hear that.
12:21Whatever that means.
12:24I will speak to someone who will make contact.
12:28They will try to get them delivered to us tonight.
12:30Your life depends on it.
12:32So do our little toes.
12:39Come on, little chickens.
12:42Come on.
12:44It's dinner time.
12:52It is time I am singing again.
12:55I need something to steady my nerves.
12:58You know, singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage.
13:03It's lucky you are so brave.
13:06What are you doing with that bottle?
13:08I am just going to whet my whistle.
13:11You fool!
13:12This could blow your whistle through the top of your head.
13:15So what are you saying?
13:17I am saying it is to blow up a train.
13:19I am saying it is nitroglycerine.
13:25I have given some to my mother and the chickens.
13:29Oh no, this is disaster.
13:31Those are the only chickens we are.
13:33What about my mother?
13:37That drink.
13:39It make your mama very frisky.
13:42What happened?
13:44She got out of bed, went to pick up her slippers
13:47and blew the door off the wardrobe.
13:51Quick, the chickens.
14:01Oh, what's the matter?
14:02Stop throwing this corn so hard.
14:04It's still gone.
14:05Where?
14:06Inside the chickens.
14:08What?
14:09Where are the chickens?
14:10Where they always go to lay the eggs behind the edge.
14:21That was only five. Where is the other?
14:23The cockle hole chased her into the hen house.
14:31So bang.
14:43You are looking at a walking legend.
14:48How would you like to be performed?
14:54I should send the easily performed.
14:59I say, Cartier's, the old girl's a bit of a goer, isn't she?
15:03That's how they don't give her anything else.
15:05Between the onion soup and that drink,
15:07she's more dangerous than the fleck of a berlin.
15:10Oh, my...
15:11Mama!
15:13Are you all right?
15:15I'm in the middle of my performance.
15:19Shut up.
15:20All together now, please.
15:23Oh, would you like to be?
15:27Don't make a scene with me.
15:31Oh, don't make a scene with me.
15:32My God, Carstairs.
15:34This is a terrible war.
15:39Shut up, both of you.
15:41Shut up!
15:43Listen to her.
15:45For what? She's happy.
15:47You know she's from her. Get my talent.
15:50It has travelled very badly.
15:52Now, listen, I have to lift the bed to get to the radio to talk to London.
15:56Shut up, you old bat!
16:03Hello!
16:03Oh, I think they want the wireless.
16:13Hello, hello. This is Nighthawk. Can you hear me? Over.
16:17Of course I can hear you.
16:20Not you! Shut up!
16:23Hello, Nighthawk. Hello, Nighthawk.
16:26This is London.
16:28Listen carefully.
16:30I shall say this only once.
16:34Here, take this to table three.
16:37Oh, here comes trouble.
16:40It's not a flick of the Gestapo.
16:42Gestapo?
16:44For God's sake, act normally.
16:46Oh, I'm acting normally.
16:49Always I'm like this with the Gestapo.
16:53Welcome, Herr Flick.
16:55May I find you a table?
16:56I know where I want to sit.
16:58Of course, Herr Flick.
17:00Why is it that when I'm in the room, everyone stops talking?
17:05It is in case you wish to say anything, Herr Flick.
17:08I do.
17:10Heil Hitler!
17:11Well, you can't follow that.
17:17Have you found out anything about the missing painting?
17:20No, Herr Flick.
17:21It is possible the peasants have penetrated your disguise.
17:25You must change back into your uniforms.
17:27At once, Herr Flick.
17:29Well, very near.
17:31You have heard of the arrival of General von Klinkerhofen?
17:34Yes, Herr Flick.
17:36You will meet him tomorrow at the station?
17:38Yes, Herr Flick.
17:39He will be inspecting our defences and all the main buildings.
17:43Does that include the hospital?
17:45Why do you ask?
17:46Well, in case we have an accident.
17:49We wouldn't want to miss him, Herr Flick.
17:52He is a ruthless man.
17:54The slightest sign of inefficiency.
17:57And you will be posted.
17:59To the Russian front.
18:01If you are lucky.
18:02I will go and tidy the office and ensure everything is in order.
18:06No!
18:07You will report to my room in one hour.
18:10Yes, Herr Flick. May I ask why?
18:12There are perhaps certain things you have not revealed to me.
18:18How could I hide anything from those stern, penetrating eyes?
18:23They shall see.
18:25Heil Hitler!
18:27Do not be late.
18:29What?
18:29No, no, Flick.
18:30What if I am early?
18:31Do not be early either.
18:33Be punctual.
18:37Heil Hitler!
18:39Heil Hitler!
18:43Mr. Leclerc, clean up that mess.
18:45Yes, sir.
18:47Good news, Colonel.
18:49The uniforms?
18:49They are on their way.
18:51And we are going to send back the painting to London to be copied.
18:54I thought they were coming by parachute.
18:56No, no.
18:57Tonight, a plane will land somewhere in France.
19:01What's the use of somewhere in France?
19:03We want it here.
19:05Well, this is somewhere in France, but if I told you too much, the resistance would shoot me.
19:10We will meet the plane with you.
19:12Oh, no, no, no.
19:13Dear Colonel, I don't think the resistance would like that.
19:16How would you like your café blown up and you and your wife put up against the wall and shut?
19:22You would not do that.
19:24No.
19:25But Herr Flick would.
19:27We might be with you.
19:28We will see what can be done.
19:29Oh, excuse me, Colonel.
19:31You're not going to sing again?
19:33I have a message for René.
19:36A man has arrived to read the gas meter.
19:42Edith, we have no meter because we have no gas.
19:46Why do you not stop wasting my time, woman?
19:48Why do you not just say what you mean?
19:50The girl, Michelle, is here from the resistance.
19:56A clue at last.
19:59I always knew you were helping the resistance.
20:02We will arrest this girl.
20:03We will make a talk.
20:05And we will be heroes with medals.
20:08Without uniforms to pin them on.
20:10Colonel, that girl is the only person who knows where the plane will land.
20:16I see we're in it up to here.
20:20That makes it well over my head.
20:29René.
20:31René.
20:31René.
20:33René.
20:37René.
20:39It's all clear, René.
20:42What's the matter?
20:43Are you frightened?
20:44Well, of course, I'm frightened.
20:46The countryside is full of hidden dangers.
20:49I've just trodden in one.
20:52Signal for the other.
20:55You had to do an owl or something similar.
20:58It's the only small I know.
21:00Where did you land a whistle like that?
21:02When she was working in Paris.
21:04She had to do something to attract attention.
21:11René, you did not tell us we will be helping two British officers to escape as well.
21:15We are not supposed to do this.
21:17They will go back on the plane that brings your uniforms.
21:20Then we can all live happily ever after.
21:22Fairfax?
21:23What's going on?
21:24I have no idea.
21:25Anything's better than that damn wardrobe.
21:28Don't move.
21:30Oh, Michel.
21:32Why are you wearing sunglasses?
21:34So these Germans don't recognize me again.
21:37Listen, Brother Catholic, we have a problem.
21:39Up the road is a bridge.
21:41On the bridge is a German sentry.
21:43What?
21:43There is only one thing to do.
21:45Go home?
21:47No.
21:48These German officers must give the sentry orders to let us post.
21:51But we are dressed as onions sellers.
21:54You must convince them, otherwise you do not get your uniforms.
22:00Hans, hold my onions.
22:28Halt!
22:29Or I fire.
22:30I am Colonel von Sturm, town commandant.
22:34Stand to attention when I speak to you.
22:36Why are you dressed as a smelly peasant?
22:38Oh, my goodness.
22:40Where are your papers?
22:47She has killed him.
22:49No.
22:49He's just unconscious.
22:51Oh, nay.
22:52We are German officers.
22:54We cannot be a party to knocking out our own troops.
22:57It's Colonel.
22:58He was the one who hit you with his rifle butt.
23:02So he did.
23:04Thug me.
23:07That is the plan.
23:08It will land in the next field.
23:10This way.
23:27Here it is.
23:28I'll give you a signal.
23:38Have you given the signal?
23:40He's coming in now.
23:41Stand by.
24:06Come on.
24:08Don't waste time.
24:22Hello.
24:23Is this the right place?
24:24An Englishman.
24:26Thank God.
24:27Where's the uniforms?
24:28I will ask him.
24:30I say, old chap.
24:31Do you have the uniforms?
24:33Better than that.
24:34I bought the tailor.
24:35Good evening.
24:37Good evening, everyone.
24:37My name is Clyde from Solomon and Clyde.
24:40I have the customer suits right here.
24:42Perhaps the colonel would like to try his jacket first.
24:44Don't you?
24:44No, no.
24:50I say, casters.
24:52This kite's only got two seats.
24:54I expect the tailor's staying behind.
24:56and we can sit on each other's lap on his seat.
24:59Perhaps I on top.
25:03Oh, dear.
25:04Sir has put on a bit of weight, hasn't he?
25:06Where do you wear your holster?
25:07On the right or on the right?
25:10These shoulders are very wide.
25:12Yes, the shoulders seem awfully wide.
25:14Don't worry, they're coming back.
25:19You should have kept your mouth shut.
25:21What are you doing?
25:23Don't worry, it's only a fitting.
25:24Er, now, what time can Sir Manager next week?
25:28Why don't we go back and you stay behind and finish the suits?
25:32Are you mad?
25:33It's Ascot Week, the workroom's chock-a-block.
25:36Right, off we go then, chaps.
25:39Quick, give him the painting.
25:43Don't forget, we want a copy of this.
25:45Right-o.
25:51No, chaps!
26:06Well, it looks to me that we have to meet General von Klinkerhofen in our pajamas.
26:23Thank you, Mr. Trump.
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