- 2 days ago
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00:05You may wonder why I am stuffing a string of freshly cooked sausages down my trousers.
00:10There is, of course, a simple explanation for all this.
00:14The idiot British airmen were hidden in barrels in the wine cellar at the chateau.
00:18And the plan was to float them out to sea in the underground stream which runs beneath the cellar.
00:26Needless to say, the stupid airmen floated down the wrong passage.
00:31And they are now stuck in the drain in the middle of the town square.
00:35We cannot open the rusty grating to get them out.
00:40So Michelle has instructed me to feed the airmen by standing over the drain and lowering the sausages down my
00:45trousers.
00:48As usual, my wife Edith has over-catered.
00:53Oh, Renée, we are as long as last, only in your arms.
00:59Oh, be careful that some of these sausages are still very hot.
01:04I can feel the heat through my dress.
01:07Oh, here, I have the mustard for the British airmen.
01:10I will tie the string to your belt and slip the pot down your other leg.
01:20What is that serving girl doing to you?
01:24You stupid woman.
01:26Can you not see this poor child is examining, trying to, you tell.
01:31I am making sure Renée has the mustard in his trousers.
01:35What?
01:35It is for the airmen, Edie.
01:37Oh, I will do that.
01:39Here.
01:40Oh, you get in the kitchen and peel the potatoes.
01:42But I have already peeled them.
01:44Well, peel them again.
01:46Here, Renée, let me help you.
01:48I can manage, Edith, thank you.
01:50You have cooked too many sausages.
01:51There is barely room for them in my trousers.
01:55Ah, Glichel, have you found a way of getting rid of the airmen yet?
01:58Listen very carefully.
01:59I shall say this only once.
02:02Monsieur Alphonse is examining the gritting to see if it can be forced up.
02:06The airmen are trapped on a ledge next to the overflow pipe from this cafe,
02:10so under no circumstances should anyone flush the toilet.
02:17I must remember to tell Mama and Monsieur Leclerc.
02:20Let us hope that the airmen have not been washed away.
02:23On the contrary, let us hope they have.
02:26Are the bangers in your pants?
02:30All present and piping hot.
02:32Michelle, what about drink?
02:34The garlic in the sausage will make the airmen thirsty.
02:36My resistance girls are adapting Madame Fanny's wheelchair.
02:39They are putting a tank of soup underneath it with a tap.
02:42When Monsieur Leclerc takes Madame Fanny for a morning stroll in the wheelchair,
02:46he will stop over the drain, open the tap, and let the airmen drink the soup.
02:51Oh, Madame, it is something terrible has happened.
02:54Madame Fanny has gone.
02:55Gone? What do you mean?
02:57She and Monsieur Leclerc had a while last night.
02:59He found this note on the pillow when he woke up.
03:01He is distraught.
03:03Oh!
03:04Mama has gone to stay with her cousin in Avignon,
03:07the one who runs the kennels.
03:08Well, she should feel at home there.
03:12Did Monsieur Leclerc say what the war was about?
03:14Apparently, she was complaining about his demands for conjugal rights.
03:19Was he making many?
03:20No.
03:21That is what she was complaining about.
03:23Oh, this is bad news.
03:25If Madame Fanny has gone, that puts paid to my plan for giving the airmen the soup.
03:29Someone will have to take her place.
03:31I will do it.
03:32I can turn myself into the old woman.
03:35What?
03:37It is.
03:40Oh, no, Mimi, you are much too small.
03:43Madame Edis, you will have to do it.
03:45How could I make myself look old and wrinkled?
03:50Wear one of your hats.
03:52Try a little less make-up.
03:54Oh, you must, Madame Edis.
03:56The lives of the airmen may depend on it.
03:58And you are an artiste.
04:01Very well.
04:02I will do it.
04:03I will wear one of Mama's dresses
04:05and put on her old sonat.
04:07I will suck in my cheeks to make myself look toothless
04:10and hunch my shoulders to make me look old and arctic.
04:14I never realised she was that old.
04:19And Germans.
04:21I spit on them.
04:25Now stop wasting time and go upstairs to get ready, you silly old bat.
04:29Really?
04:30How dare you speak to me like that?
04:31Oh, I am sorry, Edith, but you were so realistic.
04:34I am already thinking of you as my mother-in-law.
04:52Good morning.
04:56Good morning.
04:57Monsieur, what are you doing crotching on all fears in the middle of this sphere?
05:03I am checking these rusty engines to see if we can get the British airmen out.
05:08Of course, the airmen.
05:10We must rescue them as soon as possible.
05:14Oh, there is little hope of that, I am afraid.
05:17The engines have rusted solid.
05:19That is bad-nosing dude.
05:21Mm-hmm.
05:22I must inform Michelle.
05:24She has secreted herself in the cafe.
05:32I say, chaps, can you hear me?
05:37Come on, I am.
05:38Keep your chins up, chaps.
05:41I'm all right.
05:42Well, um, it pongs a bit down here.
05:46Is someone doing something?
05:48Don't worry.
05:49The undertaker's taking care of everything.
05:51I say, I don't like the sound of that.
05:54Mustache, chaps.
05:55Jerry on horizon.
05:58Good morning.
06:00Nice do.
06:02I don't like it much down here.
06:05I know, oh boy.
06:08Still, he does have his compensations.
06:17Monsieur Alphonse, have you made any progress?
06:19The dry and cover will not move.
06:21It has not been opened for years.
06:23Oh, but that is dreadful.
06:24What are we to do?
06:25I could perhaps loosen the engines with ammo, but I cannot go out into this square and start
06:30banging in broad daylight.
06:32Yes, that might arouse suspicion.
06:35Could you not park your earth over the drain and work underneath it?
06:38Do not be ridiculous, Michelle.
06:40The Germans would still hear him banging.
06:42An idea has just entered my brain.
06:45We could perhaps use your old ice queen wagon, monsieur.
06:48The one I keep in my garage.
06:50The noise of the ice-making machinery would disguise our activities underneath, eh?
06:56Oh, that is a good idea.
06:57The Germans would not suspect an ice cream van.
07:00But it has been laid up since it broke down in 1934.
07:04The engine might need a little tinkering, but the freezer still works.
07:08I occasionally use it for storing bodies.
07:12Your waitresses could serve the ice cream.
07:15And you, René, you can drive the van.
07:17Oh, no, no, no.
07:17I am playing no part in this crackpot idea.
07:20Listen, if those airmen are found in the drain, they may crack under interrogation and
07:24reveal who has been sheltering them.
07:26And the finger will point at you, monsieur.
07:30Well, as usual, I do not seem to have much choice.
07:33Well, I will go for a tinker.
07:36And I will go and feed the airmen.
07:41You are walking very strangely, monsieur.
07:44If you had done your trousers what I have done mine, you would walk strangely.
07:50Be good!
08:11I say, Carstairs, a cafe chap is up there dropping something down his trousers.
08:21Exorcities, Fairfax!
08:22Thank God for that.
08:33Good morning, René.
08:36Sorry I made you jump.
08:38Good morning, Lieutenant Rupert.
08:40I was just taking the air.
08:44My stomach is a little fragile this morning.
08:47Oh, dear Lieutenant.
08:48I hope it is nothing serious.
08:49I think it was the cottage pie I had in the cafe last night.
08:55Are you all right, René?
08:57You have a pitch in your leg.
08:59Oh, it is nothing.
09:00Just a slight muscle strain from carrying heavy crates up from the cellar.
09:05Perhaps someone should look at it.
09:07No, that is not necessary, Lieutenant.
09:09But thank you for your concern.
09:15René, is it my imagination?
09:19Or is there a sausage popping out at the end of your pocket?
09:24No, no, you are seeing correctly.
09:26The sausages were past their eat-by-date, so I was disposing of them to safeguard our customers.
09:32That is most commendable, René.
09:35And how typical of you.
09:38But would it not be simpler just to pop them in the dustbin?
09:43Well, we do not want anybody to suffer from food poisoning.
09:46We put the worst food from the cafe straight down here.
09:50In that case, René, may I make a suggestion?
09:54Of course, Lieutenant.
09:57Perhaps next time you could do the same as Madam Edith's cottage pie.
10:11So, von Smallhausen, are you ready to commence the forging of a copy of The Fallen Madonna with the Big
10:16Boobies by Van Klomp,
10:18which we so audaciously stole from the chateau behind General von Klinkerhofen's back, under his very nose?
10:24Yes, I will do my best.
10:26I have carefully traced around the painting to make it easier for you.
10:30The code for the colours is here.
10:32That's a great help, Herr Flick.
10:34Number one is for red, two for blue, three for green, and four for a pinky flesh colour.
10:42That is a large pot, Herr Flick.
10:44It is for her boobies, which occupy much of the painting.
10:49What shall we do about this forgery, Herr Flick?
10:51I will plant it in the office of Colonel von Strom.
10:55An anonymous telephone call will inform General von Klinkerhofen where it is.
10:59The colonel will be accused of stealing it and be sent to the Russian front,
11:04where he will no longer be a pain in the bum.
11:07It is a very risky plan, Herr Flick.
11:10Oh, do not worry, von Smallhausen.
11:12If anything goes wrong, you will carry the can.
11:15I shall be proud to be a cog in the field, Herr Flick.
11:18A very small cog.
11:19I am a big cog.
11:22Now, get on with the forging.
11:24I am going to take Helga as these flowers.
11:27If you do a really good job, I may let Helga give you a kiss.
11:31Oh, the thought has made my hands shake, Herr Flick.
11:33Take a tranquilizer, von Smallhausen.
11:35I do not want a nipple on her nose.
11:40The paperclips and stationery are in the top drawer.
11:43If you can't find anything, Private Bigster, just ask Lieutenant Gruber.
11:46He's very helpful.
11:48He seemed a nice fellow when you introduced me to him and the colonel.
11:52Handsome, too.
11:53Quite tickled my fancy.
11:55Well, he's never tickled mine.
12:00Good morning, Helga.
12:01Good morning, General.
12:03Is this a new member of staff?
12:04I'm off on my training course.
12:06Private Bigster is taking my place.
12:09No one could possibly take your place, Helga.
12:12Although, on second thoughts, I could be wrong.
12:15I will be taking over all of Private Gerhard's duties, General.
12:19In that case, I might have some overtime for you one evening this week.
12:23It will be a pleasure, General.
12:24That's what I hope.
12:27I will miss Helga, you know.
12:29Yeah, but that's a new girl.
12:30She has a lot to go for her.
12:32Already, she's given me the wink.
12:34Don't start getting ideas, Bertorelli.
12:36She gave me the wink also.
12:38Yeah, she winked at me, too.
12:39I can't sing five.
12:42General!
12:46We shall have to get cheese for our ears, Gruber.
12:48This new girl is worse than Helga.
12:51Horrible!
12:59Now, Colonel, I wish to know what progress you have made in the search for the miscreants
13:03who stole the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Clomp
13:06for my quarters in the chateau.
13:07Gruber, tell the General what progress we're making.
13:10Uh, well, of course, after you announced the curfew,
13:17we carried out a house-to-house search and rounded up all the usual suspects.
13:21We are also stopping and searching everyone leaving the village.
13:25In other words, you made no progress at all.
13:27No, General.
13:28But we're trying very hard.
13:31My man, they are working round of the clock.
13:33Sometimes two or three hours a day.
13:37If I do not see some results soon,
13:39the chances of you all being sent to the Russian front
13:41will improve considerably.
13:43Oops!
13:44Particularly yours.
13:46Is that clear?
13:47Yes, General.
13:48Heil Hitler!
13:49Heil Hitler!
13:50Heil Mussolini!
13:52Don't be silly.
13:55But generally, I don't think he likes me.
13:58Nobody likes you.
14:00If your men were more efficient,
14:01we might have found the painting by now.
14:03After all, they are criminals.
14:05They ought to know where to look.
14:06Eh, why is it always a me
14:08who gets the blame for all the cock-ups?
14:09We have to blame someone.
14:11And you're the only eye-tie we know.
14:17Who are you?
14:18I am looking for Helga.
14:19She has gone on a course.
14:21I'm her replacement.
14:23I am Herr Flick,
14:24head of the Nuvian Gestapo,
14:25godson of Heinrich Himmler,
14:27scourge of the Resistance,
14:28and a bit of a one for the girls.
14:30Do they have heard of me?
14:32No!
14:35I have come here
14:36to ask Helga out this afternoon,
14:37but you look a fine specimen.
14:39You will do just as well.
14:40What do you say?
14:42Well, I am a new girl here.
14:44I think I'd better ask permission first.
14:49Permission to speak, Colonel!
14:51What is it, Private Big Stern?
14:55There is someone outside
14:56calling himself Herr Flick.
14:58He has asked me out.
15:00Is it wise for me to accept?
15:01Herr Flick?
15:03Oh, no, Elsa.
15:04He's a particularly nasty character.
15:06He's a horrible little worm.
15:09You come out with me instead.
15:13I want to thank her to Micah.
15:16Wait a minute.
15:17This could be our opportunity
15:18to put a spy in Flick's camp
15:21now that Helga's no longer intimate with him.
15:23That is an idea, Colonel.
15:25He also may know something
15:26about the theft of the painting.
15:28Private Big Stern,
15:30you will accept Herr Flick's invitation,
15:32but come close to him
15:33and report everything he says and does to us.
15:36Particularly if he has a painting in his quarters.
15:39I'm a girl with a bigger boobies.
15:41They might not seem big to you,
15:43but they are to us.
15:45I will do my best.
15:47Heil Hitler!
15:49She's new.
15:50Keen.
15:52Fitty she's a girl.
15:57Very well, Herr Flick.
15:58I accept your invitation.
16:00Good.
16:01Report to my secret headquarters
16:02this afternoon.
16:03What is the address?
16:05Here is my card.
16:07It is blank.
16:08Breathe on it for 30 seconds
16:09and the words will appear.
16:11You are a lucky man, Herr Flick.
16:13I'm very popular in the mess
16:15and do not usually go out
16:16with balding little men in glasses.
16:18Your pardon?
16:19You may kiss me now.
16:24I will see you, Lady Hattie.
16:27Much later.
16:28They must do some press-ups first.
16:36Hello, chaps.
16:37Hello.
16:39I've just been talking to the cafe, Chappie.
16:41He's wheeling out his old mother-in-law in a minute
16:44with some homemade soup.
16:46She'll pour it down the grate for you.
16:48How are we supposed to drink it?
16:50You'll just have to improvise.
16:52We can't get the mugs through the bars.
16:55Why don't we use our boots, Carstairs?
16:57Good idea.
17:02Both of mine have a hole in them.
17:03You can have one of mine if you like.
17:05I don't mind, old boy.
17:13Now, you know what you have to do, Monsieur Leclerc?
17:15Yes, yes.
17:16I am to wheel the chair over the drain
17:17and turn on the tap.
17:18I am not stupid.
17:19We know you are not, Monsieur Leclerc.
17:21First impressions can be deceptive.
17:23Oh, Sonny.
17:25I can feel the soup boiling in the tank underneath me.
17:28I think the primers is too high.
17:30We'll release some of the pressure with the steam valve.
17:38There's a lot of garlic in that soup.
17:40Good morning.
17:42Good morning.
17:43I have told the earmen to expect the soup.
17:46I thought we were giving them soup.
17:48He means soup.
17:49I wish he would learn to speak proper French.
17:53Your mother-in-law is not looking very well.
17:56She is more ronkled and higgard than usual.
18:00It is me, Officer Grantree.
18:02My mother is not here, so I am taking her place.
18:06It is a good disguise.
18:08I think, Monsieur Leclerc.
18:09For goodness sake, get it right.
18:11It is a simple enough task.
18:12Any fool could do it.
18:15But you were top of the list.
18:18The old lady in the wheelchair is coming this way.
18:19Jolly good.
18:20Get ready for soup.
18:26This is the drain, Madame Edith.
18:28Turn on the tap, then, Monsieur Leclerc.
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35What is that idea doing?
18:37He is putting the soap down the ring-droon.
18:43I say, the soup's coming down the wrong drain.
18:45Quick, there's that before it runs out.
18:49What are you doing, you idiots?
18:51Go back for the coffee.
18:53I will take over.
18:55What is wrong, Rene?
18:57You were over the wrong drain, you silly old rat.
19:00Rene, how dare you speak to me like that?
19:02I am sorry, Edith.
19:03But you are more like your mother than your mother.
19:08Oh, damn flighters have gone.
19:10It's totally unfair.
19:11It's time for a drink.
19:13Look, it's coming down the other one now.
19:15Oh, big frog is going to get anything right.
19:18I am sorry, too, Rene.
19:20I did not notice it was the wrong drain.
19:22Now it is the right one.
19:27Oh, I say, cast heads.
19:30I didn't get any.
19:32Who is it?
19:36Let her in, von Smallhausen.
19:38It is my new date.
19:40Helga is away.
19:42I was expecting you.
19:44I wasn't.
19:46This is von Smallhausen, my assistant.
19:49Would you like me to kiss him?
19:51That would not be necessary.
19:53Let's not be hasty, have you?
19:56Go to your cupboard, von Smallhausen.
20:01Would you like a drink?
20:02The tap water here is excellent.
20:05You do not have to beat apart the bush with me, Herr Flick.
20:08Remove your glasses.
20:09I am not accustomed to being given orders.
20:12I believe a woman should always be dominant in a relationship.
20:15I have different views.
20:16But without my glasses, it is not easy to express them.
20:21Take off your tie.
20:23I do not strip on first dates.
20:25Then I will do it for you.
20:29Von Smallhausen, help.
20:31You want your own, Herr Flick?
20:32I am knocking myself in my cupboard.
20:34I am knocking myself in my cupboard.
20:43Oh, fair.
20:46I am knocking myself in my cupboard.
21:01Let's hope we can get the job done before it affects anything else.
21:03Where is Monsieur Alphonse?
21:13I don't think I can stand it in here for too long.
21:18God, Monsieur Alphonse has got overeated.
21:20Will you pass me a frozen drink on a stick?
21:30Thank you, mademoiselle.
21:33I'm sure you are up to this.
21:35Oh, of course.
21:35Sure, I have here my big...
21:40...and Giselle, which I use for engraving gravestones.
21:44I shall drop down through the chapped door beneath the vein.
21:48And under the clatter of the engines, I shall bang out the rusty bolts.
21:54Be careful, Monsieur Alphonse. There are Germans everywhere.
21:58I will do my best.
21:59But I am not as young as I was.
22:02I shall only be able to bang for short periods.
22:06This is an unbelief.
22:09I will attach a hook to the cover of the dragon.
22:12And use the auxiliary motor which powers the ice cream pump to raise up the grating.
22:19Oh, too.
22:20Excuse me.
22:23This could be a long job.
22:24I think I will have a lolly while we are waiting.
22:36Today is warmer than I thought.
22:44This lovely warm weather has put me in an excellent mood.
22:48Bring us three glasses of ice shabby.
22:50Of course, King.
22:52That is most generous of you, Coronel.
22:54Put it on Captain Bertrilli's account.
22:56Well, not on your narrow.
22:58You pay for your drinks.
22:59I'll pay for mine.
23:02Ah, so.
23:04This is how you spend your time.
23:05Hiding away the hours when you should be out searching high and low for my missing painting.
23:10Glad to see you, General.
23:11We were just holding a meeting to discuss how to tighten up security in the village.
23:16Well, you can begin by explaining to me what that ice cream van is doing in the middle of the
23:20square.
23:22It looks as if it belongs to René who runs the cafe, General.
23:27Who gave permission?
23:28Did you give permission, Gruber?
23:29No.
23:30Did you Bertrilli?
23:31No.
23:33Well, I didn't.
23:34That is most lax of you, Colonel.
23:36We cannot have unauthorized ice cream vans parked in the square.
23:39What if a convoy wanted to come through?
23:41Someone's the owner at once.
23:43Gruber, attract René's attention.
23:46Yoo-hoo!
23:47René!
23:49Can we come back?
23:51Thank God, the Lieutenant is waving to me.
23:54We are trying to keep the Germans away from here.
23:57Coming, Lieutenant.
23:59Even!
24:00Where are we?
24:04Where is René?
24:06He has had to go to Lieutenant Gruber at the cafe.
24:09Good afternoon, General. Colonel, Lieutenant, Captain.
24:12I hope everything is all right.
24:14We did not give you permission to sell ice cream, René.
24:17Oh, I am sorry, Colonel.
24:19I thought that as I had a license to run a cafe, this was merely a small extension of the
24:23business.
24:23We did not mean to break any rules.
24:25Military regulations strictly prohibit the sale of any foodstuffs without a permit.
24:29I assure you, General, the ice cream is as tasty as any of the food we serve in the cafe.
24:34That's not to say much.
24:35Only the Italians can make the ice cream.
24:38That's all you're fit for.
24:41Where did you get the petrol?
24:43It is rationed and for military use only.
24:44It does not use petrol, General.
24:47We are actually running it on furniture polish.
24:50The students will not seek permission.
24:52Oh, please, General.
24:54The weather was so warm.
24:56We thought your men might like some ice cream when they were off duty.
24:58How thoughtful of you.
25:00It really is very good ice cream, General.
25:04Well, I am not a monster who forbid the sale of ice cream.
25:07If it is so good, perhaps we should try some.
25:09No.
25:10Problem, General.
25:13Oh, my God.
25:15The Germans are coming this way.
25:16We must call Monsieur Alphonse.
25:18Do not fear, Monsieur.
25:20The wench will have you out in a jiffy.
25:22What did he say, Castez?
25:24No idea, old boy.
25:25Don't speak a word of the language.
25:27Monsieur Alphonse.
25:28The Germans.
25:29The Germans.
25:30I'm almost finished.
25:32Do not be such a wrench.
25:37This is a very noisy engine.
25:39The ice-making machinery is on its last legs, I am afraid.
25:43Well, what shall we have?
25:45Pull it around.
25:46After you, General.
25:48Yvette, an ice cream for General Von Klinkeroff.
25:52Make it the biggest one you have.
26:09Have you anything to say?
26:11You like a wafer, Willy?