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00:02You may wonder what I am doing in an underground bunker sitting next to a dead elk.
00:07There is, of course, a simple explanation for this.
00:10I have been taken prisoner by Louise of the Communist Resistance,
00:13who has announced that I am to be her love slave.
00:19Naturally, my quick thinking has saved the day.
00:21For the past 24 hours, I have been excusing myself with a headache.
00:27I had contemplated taking her sleeping pills to end it all.
00:31But with my luck, I would probably just end up with a real headache.
00:36Hang on. I can hear the rattle of her grenades.
00:40Excuse me while I have a relapse.
00:44Oh, René. There is bad news.
00:47You have found some aspirins?
00:49No. Come with me to the party meeting.
00:52Well, is it important?
00:53They will not allow me to keep you as my love slave.
00:56Oh, and just when my headache had gone.
01:00Oh, follow me.
01:02And so I say to you comrades, there will be no privileged party members.
01:08We are all for one and one for all.
01:11I second that.
01:13Why should Louise have this man to herself?
01:16Hands out those who agree.
01:20His services should be shared amongst all of us.
01:25What?
01:26I suggest we share him mornings, afternoons, and have a lucky dip to see who gets him at night.
01:34May I put a motion on the table?
01:36I hope that is the correct expression.
01:39It is. Carry on.
01:41Well, I do not wish to be immodest, but as a well-known resistance hero, should I not be out
01:46all day blowing things up and resting peacefully at night?
01:50It is because you are here that you must stay here.
01:53When the war ends, you will lead our party to victory.
01:56I give you, Comrade Atois, and possibly the new leader of the French Communist Party. Comrade Atois!
02:04Comrade Atois!
02:11Thank you, comrades.
02:13My first task will be getting a shorter working week, which I think should start now.
02:20Right, let's put all our names into the hat and see who gets his services first.
02:29I hope you are not expecting too much.
02:31And don't forget the lucky dip!
02:34Ah, you keen commie!
02:39For the rest of the morning, he belongs to Nola.
02:42Good! He can help with the cooking and washing.
02:45You will find me willing.
02:48The afternoon, he belongs to Claudette.
02:51Good! He can help with the mending and downing.
02:54You too will find me willing.
02:57The winner of the lucky dip is...
03:01Vesel.
03:07And will I find you willing?
03:10You will find me hiding under the bed.
03:13My headache has come back out for me.
03:17It is so sad, Colonel.
03:20Poor René sacrificed himself to save us.
03:24He died a hero's death.
03:27Don't be such a ninny, Gruber.
03:29It wasn't our fault he was blown to bits.
03:31It was a German shell that hit the windmill.
03:33He should have run away faster.
03:36What concerns me now is getting back the painting of the fallen Madonna
03:40with a missing buoy from Madame Edith.
03:41They must go to the cafe at once.
03:43That is very callous, Colonel.
03:46She's only been a widow since yesterday.
03:49Now, all right.
03:50We'll go in half an hour.
03:52Now, pull yourself together and get help in hell.
04:05Could we have a verb, please, Helga?
04:11What do you want, Colonel?
04:12We left the painting of the fallen Madonna at Cafe René for safekeeping.
04:16You must help us recover the missing booby from Herflick.
04:19Only if I get a cut of the proceeds.
04:20You're in no position to make demands, Helga.
04:23Then the booby will stay missing.
04:24And I may even expose that cock and bull story you told the general
04:28about being captured by the resistance.
04:29It was not a cock and bull story.
04:31No, it was almost entirely bull.
04:35She knows we were really deserting, Colonel.
04:38We have no choice but to cut her in.
04:40Oh, very well.
04:42But you're a devious, underhand, scheming blackmailer, Helga.
04:47You forget, Colonel.
04:48I am a woman.
04:53General von Klinkorben!
04:57Hi, Hitler.
04:59After your incarceration by those resistance people,
05:02what we all need is a little relaxation around here.
05:05You're both invited to join me for my shooting party in the forest this afternoon.
05:09We shall be delighted.
05:10That'll be an honor, General.
05:12Will there be any wild boar?
05:14Apart from you, no.
05:16A few rabbits, perhaps a deer if we're lucky,
05:19were brought to the chateau after lunch.
05:20Yes, General.
05:22And, uh,
05:23that's a peasant who was blown to bits at the windmill during target practice.
05:28Go and see the widow.
05:30Express our regrets.
05:31Should we not apologize, General?
05:34After all, he did save us.
05:36No need to go quite that far.
05:37But perhaps a small offer of compensation might not go amiss.
05:40We don't want to answer any awkward questions when we lose the war.
05:44Do you not mean if we lose the war?
05:47No.
05:48I'm rapidly losing confidence in the German army.
05:50But, General, you still have men like me and Gruber behind you?
05:54That's why I'm losing confidence.
06:04Have you done all your chores yet, Comrade?
06:06The snake stew is coming along very nicely.
06:09And I have almost finished boiling your underwear.
06:12You have done well.
06:14I will reward you when I win the lucky dip.
06:17The well done is enough for me if it is all the same to you, Comrade.
06:20Oh, my God.
06:22What is it, Comrade?
06:24I have put your knickers in the stew.
06:27But you have ruined them.
06:29I do not suppose they have done much for the stew, either.
06:32What is the matter with you?
06:34I am not used to being underground with a bunch of desperate women.
06:38We are not used to living underground with such an attractive man.
06:42I cannot wait for the lucky dip.
06:45Hold me now.
06:45No, no, no, please.
06:46Control yourself, Comrade.
06:47Control yourself.
06:49Think of Lenin.
06:51Women loved him as well.
06:53He had crumpet all over the Kremlin.
06:56Please, please.
06:57Stop.
06:58Stop.
06:58Your knickers are boiling over.
07:00Oh, you can say that again.
07:04I have just been sorting through some of René's belongings.
07:07Oh, poor Lenny.
07:10Oh, I miss him.
07:11I miss him also.
07:13Oh, he is a great lust to us all.
07:15Here, take something of his from this box to remember him by.
07:20He would have wanted it.
07:21Oh, I shall have his moustache stiffener.
07:25It will remind me of him.
07:27And I will have his lucky rabbit's foot.
07:30Oh, what a pity he was not wearing it when he was blown up.
07:35Madame Idiot, I must speak with you urgently.
07:38What is it, Michelle?
07:40Listen very carefully.
07:41I shall say this only once.
07:44I have spoken with the parish priest and he has agreed to hold a special memorial service for René this
07:50evening.
07:50Oh, thank you, Michelle.
07:52Everyone is being so kind.
07:55Well, René was a true hero of France.
07:57A pain in the bum sometimes.
07:59But still an hero.
08:02Good morning.
08:05Good morning, Officer Crabtree.
08:06Monsieur Alphonse.
08:08I have here some things of René's.
08:10Please, take something.
08:12How very kind.
08:13I am moved.
08:16I will take these bersical claps.
08:19They will stop my trusers flipping in the wand.
08:23And I will have this bottle of air pomade.
08:27Oh, that smell we remember so well.
08:31Oh, no.
08:32He was more garlicky than that.
08:35Anyway, he has not used much.
08:37He did not have much hair to use it on.
08:39Madame Idiot, I will not beat about the bush.
08:42I want to press my suit.
08:45I will plug in the iron.
08:48I mean my proposal of mariage.
08:51Now that you are a widow.
08:53Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
08:54It is too soon.
08:56Another day, perhaps.
08:59But now René is still fresh in my memory.
09:02He is fresh in all our memories.
09:06Perhaps we should put up something that will remind us of him.
09:10But what? Nothing springs to mind.
09:12What about a plaque?
09:14With a knife and fork mounted on a bread roll.
09:18He deserved more than that.
09:20Two bread rolls.
09:22What about a statue?
09:24That is a good idea.
09:26Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
09:27Do you think you could make a statue of Remy for the square?
09:30I would need a photograph of him.
09:32Have you forgotten already what he looked like?
09:35My short-term memory is not too good.
09:38Well, he was tall.
09:40Yes, tall.
09:42Thinning on top?
09:43Yes.
09:44And rather plimped with a big bin.
09:48Yes, yes, that was him.
09:50Tall, balding and fat.
09:54Whatever did you see, René?
09:56I am beginning to wonder.
10:00It is the Colonel and Lieutenant Galbraith's little tank.
10:03They are getting out and coming this way.
10:05I will disappear up your back passage.
10:10Yes, go upstairs and get on with the cleaning.
10:13I will handle this.
10:14And I must be about my boss-ness.
10:19Good morning, Colonel Von Stream, Lieutenant Greber.
10:23Your little tonk is badly pocked.
10:27Do not leave it too long or I shall put a tocket on your turret.
10:35Good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant Greber.
10:37What can I do for you?
10:39We have come for the painting of the fallen Madonna we left with René.
10:42Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
10:44I do not know where it is.
10:46René hid it somewhere before he died.
10:48Well, look around for it.
10:50We must have it.
10:51Of course, Colonel.
10:53And, Madame Edith, we deeply regret what happened to René.
10:57Perhaps we could offer you some small sum by way of compensation.
11:01Oh, Lieutenant Greber.
11:03No amount of money could possibly compensate me for the loss of a man like René.
11:07How much?
11:08Monsieur Alcance, please.
11:10We wish to help you, Madame Edith.
11:13Well, perhaps there is something you could do.
11:15Would you pay for a statue of René to be erected in the square?
11:19What a splendid idea.
11:21Depends how much it would cost.
11:23Here is a list of my charges.
11:27And that one is for a life-size statue in marble.
11:29And that one is for sandstone.
11:32And that one is for concrete.
11:35And that one is for a waterproof cardboard cutout.
11:40We'll pay for the concrete one.
11:43Come on, Greber.
11:45Cheapskates.
11:47I am so very sorry about our loss.
11:53Oh, Madame Edith.
11:56You have me now.
11:58Soon you will have him.
12:00And two of sand and one of cement.
12:12You will have to pedal faster than that from late, or our nickels will never dry.
12:17I am doing my best, Claudette.
12:20You may stop for a moment.
12:26What is the matter?
12:28I am saddle sore.
12:30We are going out now on patrol.
12:33But I will be back in a short while.
12:36Take your time.
12:37Do not get ideas about escaping.
12:40As if I would.
12:42Because I am leaving one of my comrades behind to keep an eye on you.
12:46How thoughtful.
12:48Desiree?
12:54Until later, comrade.
12:55Now get back to your pedaling, or our nickels will go moldy.
13:03Ow.
13:07Faster, peasant, faster!
13:11My nickels are next.
13:18I am not training for the Tour de France, you know.
13:24You need very careful how you take off the bandages, Von Smallhausen.
13:29My new features may still be a little delicate.
13:32Yes, Herr Flick.
13:36Good morning, Herr Flick.
13:38Ah, Helga.
13:39You are just in time to witness the removal of my bandages.
13:42I can hardly wait.
13:44Von Smallhausen, get the scissors.
13:47Yes, Herr Flick.
13:48As soon as the Allies invade, I will head for Argentina.
13:53Will you be taking me with you?
13:55Only if you help me recover the painting of the fallen Madonna from the colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
14:00But they do not have it.
14:01What?
14:02They gave it to René Artois, the cafe owner who was blown up at the old windmill.
14:05Then we will get it from his widow.
14:07Surely she will never give it to you.
14:10My brilliant mind is even now devising a cunning plan to persuade her.
14:15But first, Von Smallhausen, cut the bandages.
14:19Yes, Herr Flick.
14:21I'm agog with expectation.
14:24Hold the mirror.
14:26Yes, Herr Flick.
14:33What a shock.
14:35Is this really you, Herr Flick?
14:38Even I am unsure if it is really me.
14:41I shall carry out the ultimate test.
14:43I will kiss you to see if I still shudder with ecstasy.
14:55Well?
14:57I still shudder.
14:58But the ecstasy is missing.
15:02Then I need a second opinion.
15:05Not from you.
15:11Is that dandelion tea ready yet?
15:14It is almost coming, comrade.
15:30Here it is.
15:32Drink it all down in one go.
15:33It will do you good.
15:36I needed that.
15:38You make fine dandelion tea.
15:40It is a knack.
15:42I have waited a long time.
15:45At last I have you alone.
15:47Please, please, please.
15:48You do not get me until after the sun goes down.
15:50I don't care.
15:52Comrade, I love you passionately.
15:53And I know you feel the same.
15:56You do?
15:56I feel the way you have been looking at me.
15:59The anger in your eyes.
16:01I am not surprised.
16:03I did not fancy that stew.
16:05Please, now control yourself.
16:07Do not blot your party card.
16:09I feel funny.
16:11Oh, it must be the air in here.
16:14Oh, come back.
16:18Huh?
16:22Fancy lowering me into the bedroom, you naughty boy.
16:26I assure you, it was not intentional.
16:30And what do you suggest we do now?
16:33How about a nap?
16:34Later.
16:35And now I am a hero of the resistance.
16:39Hold me.
16:40Kiss me.
16:41Make me faint with ecstasy.
16:50.
16:51.
17:32Remember your part well, von Smallhausen?
17:35She is only a simple peasant.
17:37She will be completely fooled by our stories.
17:40But remember, she will not recognize me.
17:43Yes, Herr Flick.
17:46Ah, good morning, Herr Flick.
17:50Herr von Smallhausen?
17:52Do you not notice anything different about me?
17:56And you what?
17:58Prepare yourself for a surprise.
18:01Quite a big one.
18:02Well, I am prepared, I hope.
18:04I am not really Otto Flick of the Gestapo.
18:07I am, in fact, a member of the British Intelligence Service.
18:10My real name is Basil de Vere Courtney.
18:13And I am George Marmaduke St. John Fotherington-Smith.
18:18But you can call me Barthi.
18:21But the German accents.
18:22Both born in Germany, but we were turned at Cambridge.
18:26He was turned a bit more than me.
18:28Well, this is a surprise.
18:30I have here some photographs to prove to you that we are really British.
18:35This is me playing polo with King George.
18:38And here I am on the Centre Court of Wimbledon in 1936.
18:43But this is the ladies' singles.
18:46Even then, I was in disguise.
18:49This is the 1937 Cambridge University rowing eight.
18:54When you look closely, you may recognize their cocks.
18:59What will I?
19:00Why was the cocks?
19:02He steers the boat.
19:04Oh, yes, of course.
19:06Well, have we convinced you?
19:09With such overwhelming evidence, how could I doubt it?
19:13Good.
19:14Now, I understand you have the painting of the fallen Madonna.
19:18I have the missing booby.
19:20You must give me the painting.
19:22Then we will insert the booby and send the whole thing to England
19:25so they can sell it to raise money for the war effort.
19:28They're jolly hard up.
19:30But I do not know where the painting is, Basil.
19:32So, René, eat it somewhere.
19:35Search the building for it and bring it to me at my headquarters.
19:39I will do my best.
19:41Your loyalty to the cause will not be forgotten.
19:44And when the war is over, perhaps we can get to know each other better.
19:49I would like that.
19:50I will take you to England and show you my country seat.
19:53Oh, that sounds interesting.
19:55Oh, it is.
19:56I've seen it.
19:58Come, Buffy.
19:59Buffy, we must get back for some tiffin and a cup of char.
20:04Good day, Madam Edith.
20:09What is char, Herr Flick?
20:11It is English for tea.
20:13How quickly you forget, Buffy.
20:16Oh.
20:17Sorry, Basil.
20:19What a one twit I am.
20:26This looks like a good spot.
20:28Last one to bag a rabbit buys all the drinks.
20:31I am slightly worried.
20:33Isn't this General von Blinkhorn's estate?
20:36He is renowned for being ruthless with poachers.
20:39To hell with one Blinkhorn.
20:41We hunt where we like.
21:00An elk.
21:02In these woods.
21:04Quite extraordinary.
21:06Not a very big one.
21:09My shot, I think.
21:17I think you winged it, General.
21:20I agree.
21:21But that's the first time I've seen one run off on two legs.
21:27Did you just hear a shot?
21:29Louise, look.
21:30There are Germans over there.
21:33They will not leave the woods alive.
21:34Open up.
21:39Von Blinkhorn's gamekeepers are rather keen.
21:41Quick, back to the car.
21:49There.
21:51Oh, what a wonderful touching service that was.
21:56And what wonderful things the priest said about Ronnie.
21:59It is customary to exaggerate on these occasions.
22:03Do not fear, Madame Edith.
22:05Ronnie's memory will live on,
22:07even though he has pissed away.
22:11Oh.
22:14Oh, dry your eyes, girls.
22:16It is over.
22:18Oh.
22:21Come, let us go into the back room.
22:23I have prepared some sandwiches for us.
22:26Splendid.
22:27I could do with a nobble.
22:32Here, help yourselves.
22:35For my part, I could not eat a thing.
22:37I am too upset.
22:39No, me.
22:40My appetite is by nicht old, sir.
22:42Oh, well, all the more for me.
22:44Oh, do not worry, Madame Edith.
22:47I will look after you.
22:48And no one will ever forget a man such as René Antoine.
22:54Do you think he is up there, Monsieur Alphonse,
22:57watching over us?
22:59Who?
23:01Well, of course.
23:03Should we try and get in touch with him?
23:05It's a bit late for that, is it not?
23:07Well, Mama used to do it.
23:08Perhaps she has passed the gift on to me.
23:10Let us all sit round the table and old hands.
23:14Mimi, light the candles.
23:15Edith, put out the light.
23:19Are you sure you know what you are doing, Madame Edith?
23:21Oh, do not worry.
23:22I will be in control.
23:27I hope so.
23:29Is this dangerous to enter the spirit world?
23:32Oh, I must try and get in touch with Wendy one more time.
23:35Perhaps he could tell us where he has hidden
23:37the falling Madonna painting.
23:39And I would not mind a word with one or two clients of mine
23:42who did not leave enough money to pay their bills.
23:46Here, let us all, old hands.
23:51Oh, it has suddenly gone very cold in here.
23:55I can fool icy fungus down the bock of my neck.
23:58It is very croupy.
24:01Oh, I hope we're doing the right thing.
24:04Is there anyone there who wishes to speak with anyone here?
24:08Two knocks for yes, one knock for no.
24:21Oh, I had a rattle.
24:24I think we are getting through to him.
24:30Oh, I feel his presence, sir.
24:34He cannot be far away.
24:35Oh, be careful, Madame Edith.
24:38I had a friend once who drew a pentacle
24:41and summoned up the devil accidentally
24:42in a deserted laundry.
24:45That must have put the Woolies up him.
24:49Willie, if you are here,
24:51make your presence known.
24:56He knocked.
24:57Oh, my kid.
25:00There is something at the window.
25:02Can it be him?
25:03Back from the groove?
25:07Suddenly, my ticker is very dicky.
25:13I am not afraid,
25:15for I am pure in art
25:17and looked after by the angels.
25:24The angels are on strike.
25:26Oh, my God, it is the devil.
25:28We have conquered up the devil.
25:30Oh, my God.
25:35The knob has come up in my hand.
25:38Oh, she is fighting with the devil.
25:42What does she say?
25:43The knob has come up in our hands.
25:48We will not like that.
25:51Rene.
25:53Rene?
25:55You stupid woman.
25:58Of course it is me.
25:59Alive and well after a week under the ground.
26:03Well, what do you say, huh?
26:04How dare you come back to haunt me?
26:07No, no, Edith.
26:07No, I want you to look at something for me.
26:09Look.
26:10There.
26:11Rene.
26:12Be gone.
26:13I will see them leaving my hand soon.
26:14Bye.
26:14Bye.
26:14Come on.
26:14No!