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00:01My name is Ronnie. This is my café, but at the moment my life is one big problem.
00:07You see, I have to be nice to the Germans.
00:11They are my customers, they are winning the war, so if I am not nice to them, they will shoot
00:15me.
00:16I have to be nice to the resistance.
00:18Otherwise they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans.
00:23I have to be nice to my wife, because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette, she
00:28will shoot me.
00:30And if Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria, she will shoot me.
00:34Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room.
00:39Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear, because I have borrowed their uniforms to help two British airmen to
00:44escape.
00:45The pianist over there is in fact a forger for the Marquis.
00:50And the German officer at that table fancies me.
00:55And it is only Tuesday.
01:00Rene, the Colonel is getting very impatient.
01:02You promised he would have his uniform back in 15 minutes.
01:05It is now 45.
01:06Take his mind off it.
01:07Keep him amused.
01:08How can I look at my celery?
01:11But Maria, can't you entertain him?
01:13How can I?
01:13My celery isn't even good enough for soup.
01:16Rene, Air Flick of the Gestapo is paying his bill.
01:19Rene, Air Flick says he is going to search the building.
01:22He will find the painting of the Fall of Madonna by Van Klomp in the cellar.
01:25No, no, the painting has gone.
01:26But so too are the uniforms of the Colonel and your Captain.
01:29If they find the Colonel and the Captain in their underwear, this could make the Gestapo suspicious.
01:35Erger, you must keep Air Flick amused.
01:37And you think the Gestapo is a very serious business?
01:40Surely you can think of something?
01:42I have it.
01:43Give me a large glass of your strongest brandy.
01:45Of course, at once.
01:47There.
01:49There.
01:50There.
01:56You have ten minutes.
01:58Or five.
02:00We must hide the German officers quickly.
02:02Take them to the room of my mother.
02:04Maria, go and tell the officers.
02:06I will explain to the old girl.
02:20I shall tell them nothing now listen carefully to what I have to say two German officers are
02:28coming to your home I will fight them to my dying brush taken off their uniforms have you no finesse
02:46you mama that is what they said in 1917 get in the wardrobe if I do not have my uniform
02:57in 10
02:57minutes you will be shot but colonel your revolver is on the belt of the uniform which is around the
03:03waist of the British Airman who is not here René he is searching the restaurant and then he is on
03:13his way up here who is Otto Flick of the Gestapo Gestapo not a word the Gestapo are coming if
03:22they find the Germans in the wardrobe I could be shot I shall not yield to the torture of the
03:27Gestapo
03:28long live frog shut up good evening good evening I am sorry to put you to inconvenience but there are
03:44certain things I need to know there are two German officers in the wardrobe I see I'm wasting my time
03:57here I will take the cognac to the German officers in the room of my mother if they do not
04:07get their
04:07uniform soon they will go mid go with her Yvette she is under a great strain René when are we
04:16going to be
04:16alone go to the pantry wait for me by the brie keep the lid on until I arrive check the
04:28window
04:31oh Claire put that chair at the back of the door now climb on the chair oh Maria
04:45my little cabbage my little bean shoot my big cucumber you have no idea what the feel of your
04:53firm young body does to me hold me forever what were you saying to Yvette nothing nothing nothing no
05:06she is nothing to me you are my only true love but how long can we keep our first secret
05:12from your wife
05:13well as long as my earring is good and my reactions are quick someone at the window yes I heard
05:21but these
05:22cowardly old legs of mine are paralyzed with fear I shall see who it is oh you know the velvet
05:35is
05:35wearing we shall have to start using another chair soon it is a resistance Michelle why are you here
05:43listen very carefully I shall say this only once René there is no bruit I ate it last night listen
05:52I
05:53shall say this only one René the German officers cannot stay in the room of my mother London will
05:59be calling on the radio the radio is under her bed and the loudspeaker is in her chamber if the
06:04Germans
06:04hear your voice coming from a chamber pot our cover will be blown shut up Michelle has something to
06:12tell us listen very carefully I shall say this only once what is it you are going to say I
06:18haven't said
06:19it yet if you listen I will tell you the suspense is killing me the two British airmen wearing the
06:26German uniforms have been captured no yes no yes no yes will nobody believe this woman the story they
06:38have been captured by the resistance then why are we worried they have not been captured by our
06:43resistance what other resistance is there the communist resistance what are you the goal the goal he is the
06:50tall one can you not just ask them if we can have our uniforms back we do not know where
06:57they're
06:57hiding them what is more we do not speak to them when the war is over whichever is the strongest
07:03group
07:03will control France the communists are ruthless killers we will have to eliminate them but we cannot
07:09get those Germans out of here without uniforms oh the uniforms are no problem London can do anything
07:15I cannot tell the Germans I'm in touch with London it was at me shut we could tell them Monsieur
07:21Leclerc
07:22the forger is a tailor and he is going to make them new uniforms really you are married to a
07:28very
07:28clever woman well I have always preferred brains to beauty unless they are big knockers go and tell Leclerc
07:41look how can we get uniforms from London the wireless is under the bed and the Germans are in the
07:45wardrobe this is no problem we will send the message by pigeon we have no pigeons they will be provided
07:53tomorrow morning at midday you will go to 36 rue d'ascargot you will knock three times and they will
08:00give
08:01you pigeons to avoid suspicion you will be disguised as a small boy but why can't I be disguised as
08:08a small
08:08girl because you are a small girl do you know what to do yes yes of course I am to
08:19pretend I am a tailor
08:21but who do I measure two German officers they are in the room of my mother in the wardrobe in
08:28their
08:28underwear of course I have come for the measurements
08:45that voice that face beauty's old eyes deceive me can it be after all these years
09:21oh where have you been
09:31and now fate has brought us together
09:37remember when we were young
09:42you used to run your fingers through my lovely long hair
09:47yes well remember you always used to bite my ear
09:54I remember
09:59where did I put my teeth
10:11that is the bomb there
10:13is that where they are hiding them
10:14oh without a doubt
10:16we must get those uniforms so we have to attack
10:19now listen very carefully
10:21I shall say this only once
10:24right
10:24listen to me my friends
10:26unless you tell us what we want to know
10:29I will make life very uncomfortable for you
10:32what's she talking about you suppose
10:34I have actually no idea
10:36the trouble is I do believe I think we're Jerry's
10:40not Jerry's
10:41in disguise
10:42on your side
10:44show them the manito and the leads
10:48perhaps you recognize this method of loosening the tongue
10:51I think I've got it car stairs
10:54what is it
10:55they've got a car that won't start
10:56and they want us to help them
10:58certainly I know nothing about cars
11:00neither do I
11:02sorry
11:03can't help
11:06she seems damn keen to get it going
11:09you have five minutes to talk
11:11otherwise I will shoot you
11:12if we don't get it going
11:13she's going to shoot herself
11:14that would be a damn shame
11:16such a pretty girl
11:18we'd better agree to do what we can
11:21we'll do what we can
11:23I thought so
11:25they are prepared to talk
11:26cut them down
11:31ready
11:32take aim
11:33fire
11:36quick
11:36it's the Germans
11:37out the back way
11:40you'd better take a powder cast hair
11:42if that's the Jerry's
11:43we could be shot as spies
11:44we'd better get rid of these uniforms
11:48shove them on the fire
11:53this fire
11:58we are running for it
12:00they think we are Germans
12:02get to the bridge
12:03we will cut them off there
12:04I thought they were on our side
12:08hear my song
12:11in my gondola
12:14waiting on
12:15the
12:16old
12:19lagoon
12:30renee
12:30the German officers will wait no longer
12:32they are coming downstairs
12:33in their underwear
12:34oh they have changed
12:36look
12:38where did they get those clothes
12:40from the wardrobe in the room of your wife's mother
12:42they are the disguises left by the British airmen
12:45ah
12:46Pierre and Jack
12:47the onion sellers
12:49wine on the house for my old friends
12:51Pierre and Jack
12:52come and sit down over here my friends
12:54that's it
12:54sit very comfortably here
12:56that is it
12:57a brilliant disguise colonel
13:00we'll have your uniforms back as soon as possible
13:01you said that yesterday
13:02if we do not get the uniforms today
13:05you'll be shot
13:06up against the ball
13:07with guns
13:09but I see you are a man of compassion
13:11even as you say these words
13:13there are tears in your eyes
13:14it's these damned onions
13:17ah
13:17ah
13:19little George
13:19my nephew
13:22well it's good to see you again lad
13:24I have what you want
13:26I'm going to have
13:26good boy
13:28good boy
13:28now take that basket
13:29full of your school books
13:31and put it in the back room
13:33will you uncle anything
13:41this boy is very well built
13:44it is my wife's cooking
13:46why is he wearing stockings and suspenders
13:50we have many problems
13:56Otto Flick of the Gestapo
13:58is meeting me here for lunch
13:59he must go at once
14:00too late
14:00here he is
14:03ah Helga
14:04you are here early
14:05that is good
14:06you told me not to be late
14:07your obedience pleases me
14:09sit
14:10yes her flick
14:11where
14:12here
14:14you French peasants
14:16I am the Gestapo
14:17I want this table
14:18go away
14:19or you will be shot
14:21you can't take that table
14:23Helga
14:25when I make up my mind
14:26I want something
14:27I always get it
14:28this I know
14:29Herr Flick
14:30that's why I find you so exciting
14:33you French peasants
14:35I am speaking to you
14:36look at me
14:40Colonel von Strong
14:43Captain Keery
14:45Heil Hitler
14:47Klopp
14:50why are you dressed
14:51in the fashion
14:51of onion sellers
14:53we can explain
14:54we can explain
14:54I am waiting
14:55he is waiting
14:58I am trying to infiltrate
14:59the resistance
15:00I am doing the same as he is
15:04just as a colonel
15:05the French avoid me
15:06but these onions
15:07I am one of them
15:09I am one of them too
15:11I must admit
15:12you look like one of them
15:15I could not help
15:17overhearing this conversation
15:18this has got nothing
15:20to do with you
15:23go and drink your cognac
15:27this is an idea
15:28of the Gestapo
15:30Helga
15:31come with me
15:31yes Helga
15:34Colonel
15:35do you think he suspects anything
15:37not at the moment
15:38but we must have those uniforms
15:40well there is a slight problem
15:42Colonel
15:42what problem
15:43you have our measurements
15:44all we need is some fitting
15:46yes well that too
15:47would be a problem
15:48you see the uniforms
15:50are being made in London
15:51what
15:52you are not worried
15:53they will be made
15:53by the very best tailors
15:55maybe even Saville Row
15:57Colin
15:58we are Germans
15:59to have our uniforms
16:00made in London
16:00must be against the rules
16:03that does it
16:03I will tell the Gestapo
16:05and you will be shocked
16:06ah but dear Colonel
16:08with respect
16:09I am afraid
16:10you are in too deep
16:11there is the little matter
16:13of helping the British airmen
16:14to escape
16:15you did do that Colonel
16:16then there is the priceless painting
16:18of the fallen Madonna
16:19by Van Klomp
16:20which is wanted by the Fuhrer
16:22you did binge that Colonel
16:25just as deep as I am
16:27I only follow orders
16:28your orders
16:30dear lovely Colonel
16:31there is no real reason to worry
16:34very soon you will have your uniforms back
16:36and the copy of the painting
16:37to give to the Gestapo
16:38to please the Fuhrer
16:39the girls will be here
16:41with the wet celery
16:44and life will be back to normal
16:46he is right Colonel
16:47he better be
16:49this war is getting very dangerous
16:51ah
16:52I will ask my wife
16:53to prepare for you
16:54a very special lunch
16:57Edith
16:58we must keep those
17:00onion sellers happy
17:01shall I sing a song for them
17:03no
17:04I want you to go
17:05into the kitchen
17:06and do something
17:07unforgettable
17:08well
17:09you have not said that
17:11to me since April
17:121904
17:14oh
17:15oh
17:20Maria
17:22I am very cross
17:23with you
17:24shall I get on the chair
17:25no
17:27what are these doing here
17:29hmm
17:29they are suspenders
17:30to keep up my stockings
17:32gentlemen do not wear
17:33suspenders and stockings
17:35you should see the colonel
17:37on a good night
17:38you nearly gave away
17:39the old game
17:40now take those pigeons
17:41and hide them
17:43and for heaven's sake
17:44put on a dress
17:45that German lieutenant
17:46thinks I am like that
17:48you are bald people
17:49yes
17:50don't move
17:50ah
17:52look at the door
17:54are we alone
17:56unless you count
17:57the three of us
17:57yes
17:58now when we found
17:59the British
17:59with the uniforms
18:00we found them
18:01but they ran away
18:02do you have the pigeons
18:03yes
18:04good
18:05I have here
18:05the cylinder
18:06to attach to their legs
18:07do you have the measurements
18:08of the German officers
18:09oh yes
18:09I've got them here
18:10good
18:11Maria
18:12you will put this in here
18:13and clip it to the leg
18:14of one of the pigeons
18:15you René
18:16will write a description
18:17of the uniforms
18:17we require
18:18here is the pepper
18:19supplied with the cylinder
18:22what shall I say
18:23to London
18:24please supply urgently
18:26by parachute
18:27at your earliest
18:28from Finland
18:29German uniforms
18:30as follows
18:32one coronel
18:33in resource regiment
18:34with a float
18:36a moment please
18:39how am I supposed
18:40to get all that
18:41on this little bit
18:41of paper
18:43with very small
18:44writing
18:45if you had found
18:47those British
18:47we could have got
18:48the uniforms back
18:49we wouldn't have to go
18:49through all this Farago
18:53here
18:54hello
18:56sorry about the togs
18:57we had to fix them
18:57up a couple of scarecrows
18:59never mind that chaps
19:00what about the uniforms
19:01we burnt them
19:02we didn't want
19:03to be sort of spies
19:04in the painting safe
19:05though
19:06what are they covering about
19:08they still have the picture
19:09but they have burnt
19:10their uniforms
19:11oh heck
19:13they cannot stay here
19:14Germans are everywhere
19:15you will have to find
19:16somewhere
19:17there is only the room
19:18of my wife's mother
19:19the German colonel
19:20and captain
19:21are riding there
19:22oh no
19:22they are now
19:23in the restaurant
19:24disguised as onion sellers
19:26then we don't have
19:27to send the message
19:27by the pigeon
19:28we can use the radio
19:31what shall I do with these
19:33I them
19:35come
19:35please
19:39hello mama
19:40it is I
19:41it is I
19:42little lady
19:46what are you doing
19:47in the bed of my mother
19:50we were childhood sweethearts
19:52she was my love
19:55but I thought I had lost it
19:57now once again
19:59he has phoned it
20:03this could only happen in France
20:06here is your soup
20:07mama
20:07mama
20:08what is the forger
20:11who is pretending to be a tailor
20:12doing in bed with your mother
20:14evil old lover
20:15isn't it romantic
20:17romantic I would say
20:20now listen to me
20:21for a very brief period
20:22you must accommodate
20:23these two British airmen
20:25these togs have a frightful pong
20:27could you hang them on a line
20:29or something
20:29they take off their claws
20:31they are no better
20:32sense of charm
20:33and protect me
20:37come on chaps
20:38lend the hands
20:38lift the bed
20:42hold this
20:44thank you very much
20:44you have this
20:45I say they can't have much
20:47confidence in the soup
20:49hello hello
20:51this is Nighthawk
20:52are you receiving me
20:53over
21:01these are my private quarters
21:10I have had it made
21:11completely soundproofed
21:12I can guess why
21:14yes
21:15the noise of the lorries
21:17was keeping me awake
21:18at night
21:21this is my godfather
21:22Heinrich Himmler
21:25that one is me
21:26in the Hitler Youth
21:29your knees are very beautiful
21:31that's why I tried
21:34I told us in the Hitler Youth
21:35we are two of a kind
21:37you may kiss me
21:54that gave me great pleasure
21:59there's a very exciting atmosphere
22:03do you interrogate people here
22:05well
22:06just a little bit
22:08I have to keep up appearances
22:09Berlin expects this sort of thing
22:12but as you know
22:13I am a softie at heart
22:15I sit in that chair
22:17yes Herr Flick
22:24I want some information
22:26from you
22:28I will tell you anything
22:29Herr Flick
22:30anything
22:30the colonel
22:32and the captain
22:33do you think
22:34they know the whereabouts
22:35of the fallen Madonna
22:36by Van Klomp
22:37I am sure
22:38they do not
22:39good
22:39we will have some wine
22:44go to that cupboard
22:46yes Herr Flick
22:50open it
22:51yes Herr Flick
22:54from time to time
22:56it is necessary
22:57for the Gestapo
22:57to have many disguises
23:01bring me the two hangers
23:02on the extreme right
23:03yes Herr Flick
23:08these are the clothes
23:09of onion sellers
23:10we will disguise ourselves
23:12and return to the cafe
23:13do you think
23:14they will fit
23:14there is only one way
23:16to find out
23:17take off your uniform
23:19yes Herr Flick
23:32we will observe
23:33the normal proprieties
23:35I will change
23:36behind this screen
23:41continue to take off
23:42your uniform
23:59I hope you do not
24:01disapprove of my choice
24:02of undergarments
24:04not at all
24:06such things are very popular
24:07in Berlin these days
24:27you know Colin
24:28it is quite pleasant
24:30to be a French onion seller
24:31people smile at us
24:33especially that German
24:35officer over there
24:37hello
24:40I think I prefer
24:41being a peasant
24:42to being a German
24:43you'll be a dead peasant
24:44Herr Flick finds out
24:46we've been helping
24:47British Airmen to escape
24:49I have good news Colonel
24:51London is making
24:52your uniforms
24:53they are working
24:54through the night
24:54and they will be dropped
24:55by parachute
24:56at dawn tomorrow
24:57but how do we know
24:58they will fit
24:58they are being made
24:59by the very best
25:00Savile Row tailors
25:01Solomon and Klein
25:06Jewish tailors
25:08are you mad
25:10they are the best
25:11here Colin
25:12that's not the point
25:13Hans
25:13it's the principle
25:14of the thing
25:15if I had known
25:16they were employing
25:16Jewish tailors
25:17things would have
25:18been different
25:19we could have
25:19ordered some extra shirts
25:22your lunch will soon
25:23be ready
25:24what is it
25:25you filled the fish
25:26and bagels
25:29no it is a surprise
25:30how much longer
25:31do we have to wait
25:32should I think
25:33it's on to help
25:34pass the time
25:34no
25:35get back to the kitchen
25:38oh my god
25:39more onion sellers
25:42colonel
25:43it is I
25:45Helga
25:46well
25:47dressed as an onion seller
25:48Herr Flick will be suspicious
25:50he is also disguised
25:51as an onion seller
25:59good afternoon
26:00Herr Patron
26:01I am just a simple onion seller
26:04in search of wine and food
26:06sit
26:07yes Herr onion seller
26:08I will obtain wine and food at once
26:12Monsieur René
26:13that onion seller there
26:16is he another cousin
26:17oh very distant
26:18yes
26:19I am beginning to recognize your cousins
26:21they are all very well built
26:25here it is
26:26a work of art
26:29casserole of pigeon
26:34it looks very appetizing
26:36will you join us
26:38I shall be most honored
26:42breast or leg
26:43I like the legs
26:45I can vouch for the truth of this
26:48where did you get pigeon
26:49they were in a basket in the kitchen
26:52you fool
26:53they were carrier pigeons
26:55no
26:55yes
26:56no
26:56don't start
26:57look
26:57where on the leg
26:59is a cylinder
27:00it contains the measurements
27:01of the curve
27:02there is a cylinder
27:04attached to the leg
27:06of this casserole pigeon
27:10spices
27:10they should have been removed
27:13allow me
27:13stop
27:14I will investigate
27:18inside the cylinder
27:20covered in gravy
27:22there is a piece of paper
27:25with writing on it
27:26well perhaps it is the recipe
27:31or maybe even the name and address of the pigeon
27:35clearly it is in code
27:37this will go at once to berlin
27:39to be deciphered by experts
27:42congratulations herr colonel
27:45already these disguises
27:46are producing results
27:52René
27:53what is on that paper
27:54what will they discover
27:56oh
27:57only that somebody's inside leg measurement
28:00is 34
28:00chest 42
28:02and next 17
28:03who is that person
28:04you colonel
28:06it was for the new uniform
28:07but don't worry
28:08your name was not upon it
28:09suppose they identified
28:10from the measurements
28:12colonel
28:13many people have a 42 chest
28:15even Elgar
28:16if you include our onions
28:19what shall we do Hans
28:21I think
28:22we should eat the pigeons
28:25Hans
28:25you are right
28:27bring me
28:28the vegetables
28:29and one step
28:30thank you
28:30I'm on the left
28:30it's only
28:30but don't
28:30you
28:30I, I