- 2 days ago
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00:01That noise you can hear is my wife, Edith, upstairs banging in the spare bedroom with Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker.
00:08They are co-poof!
00:12They are constructing a secret compartment for us to hide in, should the Germans ever discover that we are helping
00:18the British Airmen to escape.
00:19Needless to say, the plan to get the Airmen away by balloon went wrong.
00:23The ropes of the balloon became accidentally entangled in the bed containing my wife's mother and her toy pensioner husband,
00:31Monsieur Leclerc.
00:32They were last seen floating at 500 feet due south.
00:37Edith is, of course, very upset by all this.
00:40Fortunately, I am made of stronger stuff and I'm managing to contain my grief.
00:47The secret compartment is finished.
00:49Oh, good. I was beginning to think I had a severe case of dandruff.
00:53Monsieur Alphonse is a dab-handed doing it himself.
00:56I'm sure he is.
00:58It's all those years making coffins.
01:01But I shall sleep more soundly now, knowing that should the end come, we will be safe in our secret
01:06compartment.
01:07Just the two of us.
01:09The three of us, hmm?
01:10You'd have to slim a bit.
01:13Monsieur Alphonse, what a comfort it is to have such loyal friends.
01:16Oh, do not mention it, Madame Edith.
01:19Next week, I will send you the bill for the wood.
01:23And the screws.
01:26Rene, is there any news of Mama?
01:28I am afraid not.
01:29Oh, I am so worried about her.
01:31To think of her floating up there in bed, suspended under a balloon.
01:35She's probably fast asleep, floating along quite safely.
01:39Oh, what a comfort your words are.
01:41Of course, there is always a chance she will forget where she is and decide to go to the bathroom.
01:51Listen very carefully. I shall gasp this only once.
01:55I have bad news.
01:56Monsieur Leclerc and Madame Fanny have been shot down over Abbeville.
01:59Oh, no!
02:01Are you sure it was them?
02:03How many old couples are floating around France in America?
02:06Perhaps the springs of the mattress have cushioned the lending.
02:10There were no springs in the mattress.
02:12We must say a prayer for them.
02:14Oh, all right.
02:16Dear Lord, if you have a moment, please watch over my wife's mother and Monsieur Leclerc.
02:21And if possible, make sure we get the bed back.
02:26What was that?
02:29It was a motorbike and sidecar.
02:33It's Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc.
02:39Mama, thank heaven you are safe.
02:42But what happened?
02:43The balloon was hit by shrapnel, but we landed in an A-stack.
02:47It was Ernest who saved the day.
02:50He deserves a euro's reward.
02:52Do not tell me you have brought the bed back with you.
02:56He stole a motorbike and we drove like the wind.
03:01My God, did anybody see you?
03:03Only the Germans who shot at us will be smashed through the road.
03:07I am revitalized.
03:10I demand that we sign on for active service in the resistance.
03:16You silly old fools.
03:17You will have half the German army coming here.
03:19Oh my God, they are here already?
03:22They must not find me here.
03:23I will disappear down the back passage.
03:27I have just suddenly remembered an urgent appointment.
03:30With a skiff.
03:32Sorry, we must deny knowing anything about the motorbike.
03:37The wounded motorbike outside was seen entering the town doing a wheelie.
03:42Who is the driver?
03:43We will not talk.
03:45Then you are all under arrest.
03:47But we do not even know these people.
03:49Silence!
03:50Take them away.
03:52And to think I paid for the wedding.
04:01What is it, Helga?
04:03Can't you see we are busy?
04:04There was no business outside, Colonel.
04:06Oh, all right.
04:10Bring them in.
04:12Bring in the bringers!
04:15Right!
04:15Left!
04:15Left!
04:16Left!
04:17Left!
04:18Left!
04:19Left!
04:21Hold!
04:23Get out.
04:25I am sure there has been some mistake.
04:28Be quiet.
04:29I warn you, René.
04:30I am not in a good mood.
04:32We are doing very badly on the Russian front.
04:35Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
04:37Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc are charged with assaulting a German officer,
04:41stealing a motorbike,
04:42failure to stop at a roadblock,
04:44and flying a bed attached to a balloon in a military airspace.
04:49These are serious charges.
04:51What have you to say for yourselves?
04:52You are a fat pig.
04:57Please note that I do not wish to be associated with any personal opinions of my wife's mother.
05:02You quite understand.
05:05Now, Madame Fanny, perhaps you could explain.
05:09Shermans, I spit on you.
05:12Shut up, you silly old butt. You will get us all shocked.
05:15Do something. She is your wife.
05:17I hardly know the woman.
05:19In view of the seriousness of these offences,
05:22I have to send you to jail for at least seven days.
05:26What, Colinello?
05:28They are very old.
05:29And they were on their honeymoon.
05:33Make it 14 days.
05:35To be on the safe side, make it 21.
05:37So much fun.
05:39Let's see, justice.
05:4130 days!
05:42Are you going to try for life?
05:45My mother-in-law is an old lady.
05:47She has moments of insanity.
05:49It runs in the family.
05:52The balloon was an accident.
05:54And assaulting a sentry.
05:55And stealing a motorbike.
05:57And riding full speed through roadblocks.
06:01How do you explain that?
06:03She had left a cake in the oven.
06:05Please, Colonel, be merciful.
06:08Yes, perhaps we could show the magnanimity of the Conqueror.
06:13You're right, Cooper.
06:13But I must make an example.
06:16Guard!
06:17Take those people to the police station.
06:20Make sure they get a comfortable sale.
06:22Long live France!
06:25Long live France!
06:27She did not mean that.
06:29I can send you there as well.
06:31They will be more comfortable on their own.
06:35Look on the bright side, Edie.
06:37There is very little difference between being married and being in the nick.
06:40Something more.
06:41Oh, sorry.
06:43I'll...
06:44What's his name?
06:52You sent for me, Heflick?
06:54Yes, Helga.
06:56My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying
07:03an unlicensed bed in military airspace.
07:06Your spies work quickly.
07:08I was just about to tell you this.
07:09I suspect that the airborne bed has something to do with the British airmen.
07:14We must therefore interrogate the two flying pensioners.
07:18But how? They have been taken to jail.
07:20I am aware of this.
07:22And have therefore instructed von Smallhausen to disguise himself as a common criminal.
07:28He will commit a crime, get himself locked up in the same cell as the old couple and ingratiate himself
07:34with them.
07:36Reveal yourself von Smallhausen.
07:46Why do you spit von Smallhausen?
07:49I am getting into the part, Heflick.
07:51Do not do it again. I have just had the floor polished.
07:55What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit, Heflick?
07:58It is not yet decided.
08:00Could he not climb into the colonel's office and steal the petty cash?
08:04That is a good idea, Helga.
08:05My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you.
08:09As a reward, you may kiss me.
08:15Get off!
08:17I must not spoil you.
08:19Do I get a kiss too?
08:22Von Smallhausen, you are not Raffles.
08:24You are a common criminal.
08:25And, if I may say so, rather uppity.
08:31I have odours to lick you up.
08:35But I am potting you in a good sill.
08:40What did he say, Ernest?
08:43I have no idea.
08:44I think he is drunk.
08:45I am not drink.
08:48I am just doing my dirty.
08:51Now, make yourselves comfy and I will bring you a nice pot of two.
08:55Oh, he means a pot of tea.
08:57Oh, what a relief.
09:02Oh, I do not like being banged up like this at my age.
09:07We must get out of here.
09:10We could dig a tunnel at the Count of Monte Cristo.
09:14That took him twenty years.
09:17I would be under the four by the time I get out.
09:23You will still look the same to me.
09:27I thought you were once one of the best cracksmen in France.
09:33Well, a long time ago.
09:34Take this there, Peen.
09:35And try your luck with the lock.
09:41Where is it?
09:44Don't tell me.
09:57Monsieur Leclerc, you were not supposed to leave your sill.
10:00You would get me into trouble.
10:03Well, what is that case?
10:04Could we have coffee instead of tea and perhaps a sandwich?
10:08Crib meat, simon or sardine?
10:12Just a biscuit will do.
10:17General von Glockenstappen,
10:19I am cross first class,
10:21holder of the distinguished order of the Silver Eagle
10:23and member of the Burgess Garden Ramblers.
10:26How are you?
10:28I am Mussolini.
10:31Mussolini is still no girl too good, eh?
10:34I have come to inform you that since von Klinkerhofen
10:36seems to be having a nervous breakdown,
10:39I will be taking charge of the Galson until he is fit to return.
10:42We all wish him a speedy recovery.
10:44And may I say, General, that it will be an honour to serve under you.
10:49It is noted.
10:51Now that I am in charge, Colonel,
10:53there are urgent priorities for us to discuss.
10:55Like recapturing the escape with Sherman?
10:58That is high on my list, of course.
11:00But first, I think we should redecorate this room.
11:03That carpet is a disgrace.
11:05And as for the colour of the walls, unspeakable!
11:08How could you live with these paintings?
11:11It has not been easy.
11:13I admit they do get up my nerves.
11:16Come, Grobeau.
11:18Perhaps we could stroll around and see what is worth keeping.
11:22I'll take notes.
11:23Yes.
11:24You see, this will have to go, of course.
11:26Naturally.
11:27What would you put in its place, Lieutenant?
11:31Still alive, perhaps? Or one of the Impressionists?
11:34Good idea.
11:37Perhaps I could persuade Marshal Goring to lend us their money.
11:41You will not get him to lend you the money.
11:45We hear he is very tight-fisted with the cash.
11:48He isn't.
11:50Captain Bertrand, maybe you just pour the drinks and leave us to discuss the paintings.
11:56You know, Hubert, I'm surprised you're still only a Lieutenant.
12:01I've been looking at your war records. That's most impressive.
12:04Thank you, General.
12:05Yes.
12:06I had not realised that you had spent ten days under fire at the Russian Front.
12:10Trapped in a foxhole with nine stormtroopers.
12:14It must have been hell.
12:17I'm still trying to forget it.
12:20Well, I wish I had been with you.
12:22Sure. It would have been nice to be in on the action for a change.
12:27Do I take notes of this?
12:29Certainly not.
12:35Take them out private. Crystal glasses.
12:37One cannot drink cognac out of rubbish like this.
12:40They were given to me by my mother.
12:42Oh, really? Did she give you the decanter as well?
12:45No.
12:46I thought not. It looks quite good.
12:53Ah, Rubens.
12:55Not an original, of course.
12:56Well, I spotted that.
12:58No, the original has a famous title. I'm trying to recall it.
13:01I got it. Look, Mama. I've been at the pasta again.
13:07Papillion!
13:09Lieutenant, I think it's best if we continue this discussion elsewhere.
13:12Look, I'm just off to see poor old Klinkerhofen. Will you accompany me?
13:16I shall drive you in my little tank.
13:19I'm sure that will be fun.
13:21Oh, by the way, Reverend, I see from my daily reports that you have jailed an old man and a
13:25woman today.
13:26It's a very serious offence to fly around in a bedstead, General.
13:30Nonsense. Such actions will make us extremely unpopular.
13:34One night in jail will be enough. I want them released at dawn.
13:39Come, Hubert.
13:47Who does that jumped-up interior decorator think he is?
13:51Coming in here and taking over like that?
13:53I agree. And Lieutenant Gruber is being very crawly.
13:57That word had crossed my mind.
13:59Should be glad when one Klinkerhofen is well enough to return.
14:02Shall I remove the paintings?
14:04No. Leave it alone.
14:05That's right. This is your office.
14:07If you want the rubbish on the wall, you have the rubbish on the wall.
14:10What about the carpet?
14:12Leave the carpet.
14:13And when I return, I want the paintings removed and a new carpet in place.
14:18And let Gruber choose.
14:20Something with pink, perhaps?
14:21I had the same thought.
14:22I'm not surprised.
14:23See to it, Henry.
14:25Of course, General.
14:26Ah, just as I thought.
14:28All a mouth and no trousers.
14:30Get out!
14:32And whilst you're out, why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat re-stuffed?
14:36Good idea. I go chase a bird or two.
14:46Your soup.
14:48Eh, General?
14:55How am I supposed to drink it?
14:57Through the straw!
14:59Through the straw!
15:14Hello!
15:15Hello!
15:15Hello!
15:15Hello!
15:16Hello!
15:26Hello!
15:33Operator!
15:34Get me Berlin at once!
15:35I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself!
15:41You incompetent idiot!
15:42Come back!
15:43Yes!
15:43Yes!
15:43Thank you, General.
15:45May be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence.
15:48What is your name, rank and number?
15:51Talk to me!
15:52If you do not reply, I will have you called Marshall.
15:54Oh!
15:57He's talking to the fruit.
16:00Second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being.
16:04Is there anyone there?
16:08Hello?
16:10Hello!
16:15Mmm.
16:17Fish soup will make a nice change on the menu.
16:21It still does not smell very fishy.
16:24We will add some of this seaweed.
16:25That will give it a bit of body.
16:27Is this what I'm rationing?
16:30Get me the leftovers from lunch, huh?
16:34Oh.
16:38Yes.
16:38We will have to throw it in a tin of sardines.
16:40To fill it out a bit.
16:43Have we ever got three stars in the Michelin guide?
16:45I cannot imagine.
16:47Oh, see who that is.
16:50It is Michel of the Resistance.
16:53Are you alone?
16:55Apart from you, Yvette, and a couple of dead fish, yes, I am alone.
16:58Then listen very carefully.
17:00I have a new plan to get the British Airmen back to England.
17:03Oh, what a surprise.
17:05We are going to ask London for a light aircraft,
17:07which will land at night, guided by the headlights of my Resistance Girls' bicycles.
17:12Unfortunately, we are short of batteries for the cycle lamps at the moment,
17:15but we are only in the planning stage.
17:18I will not hold my breath.
17:20I will go along with anything as long as it gets the two airmen out of my house.
17:24Don't worry. It cannot fail.
17:25By the way, where are the airmen?
17:31Hello!
17:34Hello, chaps. Everything tickety-boo?
17:36Bang on.
17:37I must say, we're damn glad to be out of those bridesmaids' dresses.
17:40Why were they uncomfortable?
17:42Crepe to shin brings me out in a rash.
17:45Oh, never mind. We'll soon have you out of there.
17:47Good show. I say.
17:49That soup smells good.
17:52They are hungry.
17:53This is for customers only.
17:59It does smell good.
18:02But it tastes awful.
18:04Michel, one thing a Frenchman cannot stand is to have somebody insulting his bouillabaisse.
18:09Out!
18:10Don't worry. I'm going.
18:14Oh, Renée.
18:17I love it when you are so masterful.
18:20Oh, hold me. See how my lips quiver in anticipation.
18:24Mine too.
18:26Oh, Yvette.
18:27Oh, Renée.
18:30Wouldn't it be nice if we could escape to England in that aeroplane instead of the British Airmen?
18:34Oh, if only we could.
18:36Renée, kiss me, as you've never kissed me before.
18:39That will not be easy.
18:44Renée!
18:46What are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?
18:50You stupid...
18:52Can you not see that this poor child had got a fish bone stuck in her throat from tasting the
18:56soup?
18:57I was trying to get it out.
18:59Here, Yvette. Take a chunk of this bread. It will help.
19:01Then go and lie down.
19:02Here.
19:03Open wide.
19:05There.
19:05Open!
19:06Oh, Renée, how thoughtless I am.
19:11Did you want something?
19:12I have come to a decision.
19:14We must get Mama and Monsieur Leclerc out of jail.
19:17Oh, do not be silly, Edie.
19:19Mama is not well.
19:20How will she endure the hardships of prison life?
19:23The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin.
19:28She is only in the local nick.
19:30She has not been sent to Devil's Island.
19:32Not yet, anyway.
19:34It is so ignominious.
19:36A couple of days with your mother and the Germans will send her on parole.
19:40No.
19:40We must get them out.
19:42I have thought of a plan.
19:44Oh, I do not want to hear it.
19:45We must break them out of jail and smuggle them into Spain.
19:50Well, that does have its merits.
19:52Pass the salt.
19:53Then you will help?
19:54Well, no, I did not exactly say that.
19:56I have got the bouillabaisse to finish.
19:58It is my own secret recipe which everybody talks about.
20:01You coward.
20:03I will do it myself.
20:06Idiot!
20:08Now everyone will talk about your secret recipe even more.
20:11Now you have ruined it, you stupid woman.
20:13Oh, it is all the fault of those damned airmen.
20:18Was that the dinner gong?
20:25If it was, I think we are eating outside.
20:34I have come to commit the crime.
20:36But it is broad daylight.
20:38Why do not come at night like a normal burglar?
20:40The Gestapo do not pay overtime.
20:44In you go.
20:47I will give you about one minute and then I will come in and catch you red-handed.
20:53Oh, Captain Bertarelli, what a surprise.
20:57I kiss your hand, you beautiful lady.
21:00I bring you these flowers.
21:02Oh, Captain, they are lovely.
21:07I kiss the flower seller.
21:09She give me the flowers before she faint.
21:11Maybe you should cut down once the garlic.
21:14You always make the joke.
21:18What's that?
21:20I didn't hear anything.
21:23Me, I investigate.
21:28Is a burglar?
21:29No.
21:31Yes.
21:32I catch him in the red hands.
21:34It is a fair cop.
21:36I have been done bang to rights.
21:38Oh, well done, Captain Bertarelli.
21:40I will telephone the police.
21:42They will take him off to jail.
21:43Eh, what for?
21:44The jail, they mean nothing to these people.
21:46Inside, they only learn the bad ways.
21:48I handle this my way.
21:50Turn around.
21:52Bend over.
21:55Touch your toes.
22:01It will not take much.
22:03It is the coroner's pretty cash.
22:05He must go to jail.
22:06Ah, he's only the smaller fry.
22:08We should give him the break.
22:09I am a dangerous criminal.
22:10I must be punished.
22:12Ravish.
22:13Come.
22:13I give you the buns' rash.
22:17Come back when you're bigger.
22:21That's the way to handle them.
22:22Why do you always have to interfere?
22:25Because I've got the more important things to do.
22:28How about you and me sitting in the back row of the pictures for a bit of the slap and
22:32the tickle?
22:33If I wait until then.
22:37What a mistake at Omaika!
22:49Oh, baby!
22:51It is you!
22:52What risk do you take to be with me?
22:54Less of a risk than usual.
22:56I found this note on Edith's pillow.
23:00Dear cowardly husband, I have gone with Mimi to rescue Mama.
23:05If I do not come back, Hink will love me.
23:08Edith, kiss, kiss, kiss.
23:11The idiot, she will get us all shot.
23:14Listen, someone is coming up the stairs.
23:16Oh, my God.
23:17It is the Germans.
23:19They have Monsieur Leclerc and Madame Fanny.
23:21Must mean they have made them talk.
23:22We are done for.
23:24Danny!
23:26We have bust them out.
23:28We used to push documents since the idiot's crutch.
23:30We let them go.
23:31Now you have done it.
23:32The Germans will be after them.
23:34We will hide them.
23:35They will look everywhere.
23:37We will use the secret compartment in the spare bedroom.
23:40Cam.
23:41Come, school get her.
23:43Now, Mama, you get into bed with Monsieur Leclerc.
23:47And all I wanted was a quiet honeymoon.
23:50What kind of a secret hiding place is this?
23:53The Germans are bound to look in the bed.
23:55Now, Mama, turn the bed up at the top to the left.
23:59What does it do?
24:00Oh, I have no time to explain.
24:01Do it.
24:14It looked like two bats hibernating.
24:17Funny.
24:18Lieutenant Gruber has just entered the cafe.
24:21He's coming upstairs.
24:22You could not even lock the door.
24:24I was searching for them.
24:26Quick, into the wardrobe.
24:27Why?
24:28You are both dressed as German soldiers.
24:30Oh, I forgot.
24:32Oh, the strain of this world.
24:35Cam.
24:37René.
24:38Don't, don't.
24:38René, it's only me.
24:40In here, Lieutenant.
24:42I have come to give you some good news, René.
24:45Your mother-in-law and Monsieur Leclerc have been pardoned.
24:49They are being released about now.
24:54What is that strange noise?
24:57We hear it every morning.
24:58It is the restless spirit of my poor dead brother.
25:01The one you shot.
25:04Do not remind me.
25:05How long has this ghastly phenomenon been going on?
25:09For weeks.
25:10I was just trying to exorcise it.
25:12Excuse me.
25:14Two dominoes, benedictine, benedicos, spiritus, scarpus.
25:22I think I am getting to it.
25:24René, I do not think my conscience can stand it.
25:27Quick, Yvette, take the lieutenant downstairs.
25:29Give him a brandy on the house.
25:33On second thought, I think I will return to my quarters.
25:36Go now, Lieutenant, before it comes through the wall.
25:39If it does, do not tell it where I live.
25:45You heard that?
25:46Your mother and Monsieur Leclerc have been pardoned.
25:49This was all a waste of time.
25:51Now, how do we get this bed down?
25:53It can only be done from the inside by turning the knob the other way.
25:56Then why do they not turn it?
25:58Perhaps because the knob has fallen off where it is.
26:02Wonderful.
26:03So much for do-it-yourself hiding places.
26:06Where are you going?
26:07To have a drink and then to bed.
26:09What about Mama and Monsieur Leclerc?
26:11He wanted a quiet honeymoon, now he can have one.