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00:02You may wonder what I am doing in the back of an RAF plane flying at 10,000 feet above
00:07the English Channel disguised as a monk.
00:10There is of course a perfectly normal explanation for this.
00:13I had to leave Nouvien in a hurry because the Germans were going to give me a collaboration medal for
00:18helping them
00:18and the communist resistance were going to have me shot if I accepted it.
00:22Neither of these two options appealed to me.
00:24My waitress Yvette and I disguised ourselves as monks to take the place of the two British airmen who were
00:30also disguised as monks to catch this plane.
00:33As you can see, we have taken their place.
00:36Unfortunately, the best laid plans can go wrong.
00:39And this one is, as they say, a real turkey.
00:43For instead of ending up with my beautiful, vibrant young Yvette, I found myself with my airsick wife, Edith.
00:50And so, so the future is no longer as inviting as it should be.
00:57How much longer? This airplane is so bumpy I feel sick.
01:02It is your own fault, Edith. You were supposed to stay in Nouvien and look after the café.
01:07Do not excuse me when the café is in good hands.
01:11Whose?
01:11Mama, Monsieur Leclerc's.
01:14That is like putting a couple of winos in charge of a distillery.
01:18A very responsible person. She knows all about running a bar.
01:22She knows all about emptying one.
01:25Monsieur Leclerc is good at accounts. He was a bookkeeper.
01:29He was a bookmaker, Edith. There is a difference.
01:33He will probably put all the takings on the 215 at Longchamp if he gets the chance.
01:37But do not worry when we are together and you are safe and we shall start a new life in
01:43England.
01:44Edith, the English think they are getting the flying aces. They will not be too pleased when they find out
01:48who we are.
01:49But you are the hero of the resistance. They should be proud to give you sanctuary.
01:53Nevertheless, I do not think we should mention the error until we are safely on the ground.
01:58One of them is coming.
01:59Pretty hairy take-off, what?
02:02So, you are Carstairs and Fairfax.
02:05I am Tigger Thompson. Which one of you is Carstairs?
02:08Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff.
02:10Damn brave chap.
02:12And you must be Fairfax.
02:14Raw, raw, raw, raw.
02:17My God, Fairfax, you look terrible. Did they torture you?
02:21Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw.
02:23Oh, the swine.
02:25Carstairs looks ghastly and poor old Fairfax looks about a hundred and ten.
02:29What's more?
02:30He is wearing lipstick and perfume.
02:33You obviously have to know his spirit there.
02:36Soon have you back him, Blighty Chaps.
02:38Fluff, fluff, fluff.
02:39Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw.
02:41I am not revitalised by this job, Ernest.
02:45I feel ten years younger as if I am floating on air.
02:50I am not surprised.
02:51You have nearly emptied the bottle.
02:54Did you remember to bring up the crates of champagne from the cellar for our celebration?
03:00Yes, but what are we celebrating?
03:02Well, what day is it today?
03:04Wednesday.
03:05What's that to do?
03:08Ah, you lazy girls.
03:11You have missed a bit here and there too.
03:13Do it again.
03:15And you will keep on doing it until I am satisfied.
03:21Madame Fanny has turned into a right old tyrant since Rene left.
03:25She treats us like slaves.
03:27I only hope he is safe in London.
03:30So do I.
03:31But no one must know he has gone there.
03:33Oh, my lips are sealed.
03:34So are mine.
03:35Oh, how I wish I could have gone with him.
03:38I wish the same for me.
03:40If I had gone with him, he would be having a good time.
03:43He would be having an even better time with me.
03:47What do you know about men?
03:49I am renowned for refreshing the parts that other women miss.
03:55You?
03:56You cannot even reach those parts.
04:00How dare you!
04:01Oh, you!
04:05Stop it!
04:06Stop it!
04:07I will not have this kind of behaviour from my staff.
04:10Oh, your staff!
04:12Yes, I am in charge.
04:14We answer only to Rene.
04:17Rene will not be back to the bar is over.
04:20So then, you will do as I say
04:23or you will be back on the streets where you belong.
04:30Do not be cheeky.
04:36Are the chaps here, Farkington?
04:38There's been a cock up, I'm afraid, sir.
04:40It seems our chaps picked up the wrong two monks.
04:44Well, actually, it's a monk and a monkess.
04:47Oh, peace to luck.
04:49Well, where are they now?
04:50Outside, sir.
04:50Let's see what they've got to say for themselves.
04:53In here.
04:55There's a chap on his way over from intelligence, sir, to debrief them.
04:58Let's have a crack at them before he arrives.
05:00Now, look, you two.
05:01What were you doing getting on that aeroplane?
05:04What did he say, Rene?
05:05I do not speak a word of the language.
05:08Lighters don't seem to understand English.
05:11How's your French, Farkas?
05:12Rusty, sir.
05:13But I'll give it a bash.
05:17Good moaning.
05:20We would lick to me,
05:22won't you a deeing in the bick of the aircraft, what?
05:26Oh, my God.
05:27Can none of them speak French properly?
05:29I don't think he got my gist, sir.
05:31Try again.
05:33Are you Rolly Minx?
05:35Or are you in this skis, what?
05:38Did you get that, Rene?
05:39To me, it sounds like the ravings of a mad parrot.
05:42It's no use, sir.
05:44If only my old chum Crantry were here.
05:46Why, he speaks fluent French.
05:49The interpreter from military intelligence has arrived, sir.
05:52Oh, thank you, Penelope.
05:53Send him in.
05:57Clap!
05:58Oops!
06:02Sorry, chaps.
06:03Old habit.
06:04Rather thrown by sight of old chums.
06:06Well, it is Captain Hans Gehring.
06:08I cannot believe my eyes.
06:10You know these two.
06:12Café, chappy.
06:13And wife from Louvion, where I was stationed.
06:15Be good fellows. Give me five of them, will you?
06:17Right. Go on, Farkington.
06:18Let's hope they've got a damn good explanation for this ghastly mess.
06:23Friendly!
06:24Oh, mad I mean.
06:27Oh, I have a lump in my throat.
06:30And suddenly the memories of Louvion have flooded back.
06:33Oh, I must sit down.
06:35Kitty Gehring, what are you doing in that uniform?
06:38Are you spying for the Germans?
06:41You cannot ask questions like that, Edith.
06:43What if somebody is listening at the keyhole?
06:44Of course. How foolish of me.
06:47If you are, just wink.
06:49No, I have become a neutralized Englishman.
06:52Oh, you poor man.
06:55Was it painful?
06:57It means he is now one of them.
06:59Well, after that I am not surprised.
07:03René is correct.
07:04I am now a citizen of the English.
07:06And I am working for them as an officer in intelligence.
07:11Would the colonel be surprised?
07:13He would be amazed.
07:14The last we heard of you was on the radio when the resistance spirited you away to England.
07:19Oh, a lot of warm beer has flowed under my bridge since then.
07:23I spent three months being brainwashed by their best men, Burgess and MacLean.
07:28So you swapped sides, huh?
07:29Well, I did not fancy a prison camp.
07:31Not after the other one I accidentally found myself in with you.
07:34Swapping sides is nothing to be ashamed of.
07:36I am not ashamed.
07:38I get five pounds per week, three lodgings and a one-way ticket to South America if my lot get
07:42as far as Marble Arch.
07:44Could you, in your exalted position, put in a good word for us, Captain Gearing?
07:49I do not have to.
07:50Being in intelligence, I know what I always suspected.
07:53You are Nighthawk, hero of the resistance.
07:57I must say you had me completely fooled.
07:59I always thought you were just a bumbling old peasant.
08:03And you were doing it right under our noses.
08:05What fools you made of the colonel and the rest of us!
08:08Oh, please, do not be cross.
08:10We were unwilling pawns of fate.
08:12Over here, you are heroes.
08:13I'm sorry we will not be able to spend more time together before you go back.
08:17Go back? Oh, no, we cannot go back.
08:18No, it is out of the question.
08:20We should be shocked as collaborators.
08:22Oh, he will.
08:24We will contact the resistance and straighten things out.
08:27Do not worry, you are with friends.
08:29Now, please sit on the chairs on the other side of the desk while I do my stuff.
08:36Now, tell...
08:39Tell me every detail what happened and how you got here.
08:41Leaving out nothing, never taking your eyes of mind for a second so that I will assess that every word
08:45you tell me is the truth.
08:46Well, as one friend to another, it is like this.
08:50It was an accident.
08:52Liar!
08:53How am I doing so far?
08:55It's got my adrenaline going.
08:58Hell intelligence.
08:59I would like to meet this French man who saved my bacon.
09:02He must be a remarkable man indeed.
09:06And remarkable men should get together to discuss the remarkable things that are happening in these remarkable times.
09:16Oh, I'm sorry I had to sound severe.
09:19It is all part of the job and you never know who is listening at the keyhole.
09:23Tea for free and don't be mingy with the biscuits.
09:27I say, are you getting anywhere, Captain?
09:28Absolutely, Old Bean.
09:29What happened?
09:30It seems there was a jolly old cock-up, Frogside.
09:32The old crate came down, bang, in the jolly old field, but the dashed airmen had gone AWOL.
09:37These two came to tell our chaps and got dragged on board.
09:39So that explains it.
09:40Well, then who are these two monkey people?
09:42It seems he's Nighthawk. Key resistance, Johnny, in France.
09:45I say, let me shake you by the handle. Damn brave, what?
09:50What's he saying, Winnie?
09:51I expect he is saying how damn brave I am.
09:56PM wants to see him at number 10, PDQ.
09:59Surely not in those clothes, sir.
10:01Well, surely you had some civvies standing by for Fairfax and Carstairs.
10:04Yes, sir. We've got these.
10:05Well, there's no time to lose. They'll have to do.
10:07Captain, will you tell these Frenchies that we're going to see the PM and he'll probably give them a medal?
10:12Churchill is probably going to give you a medal.
10:14May I say how happy I am to give you this news?
10:17Oh, my God, no, not a medal. No, no, please.
10:19What's he saying?
10:20He's almost speechless with excitement.
10:24Oh, good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant, Captain.
10:27Good morning, Red. We're looking for Winnie.
10:30He is not here, I'm afraid.
10:31Well, where is he? We've been looking everywhere for him.
10:33He said he had joined the monastery, but he is not there.
10:37All we find were a bunch of the monkeys in the long dresses.
10:41I think he changed his mind about becoming a monk.
10:43The ropes were too tickly.
10:45Eh, I'm not surprised.
10:47With beautiful ladies like you around, only the fruitcake go into the monastery.
10:51Oh, thank you, Captain. What a charmer.
10:55Eh, and how sickening.
10:57Nothing has happened to Renée, has it, Yvette?
11:01He said threats had been made against him.
11:03He's not hiding in some cold place, alone and friendless. I could not bear it.
11:08Oh, no, Lieutenant. He's just gone away for a few days.
11:17What's Madam Ferry doing?
11:18Oh, she plans to sing tonight. She's just warming up her tonsils.
11:22Sounds more like she's overheating.
11:24Do you require a table for this evening?
11:26Yes, but a long way from the piano.
11:29And make sure there is plenty of cheese for our ears.
11:34I must lubricate my vocal cords.
11:44I think it has done the trick.
11:48Good morning.
11:51Good morning.
11:53I have some bod nose for you.
11:56I've had a massage from England.
11:59Ronnie is over there.
12:01No, is he safe?
12:03And are these pieces in one?
12:05I presume, Sue, but there has been an almighty kick-up.
12:10He and Madam Edith somehow got on the aircraft instead of the British earmen.
12:15Michelle is lovied with Inga.
12:18But, thank heavens, he is safe.
12:22Michelle has a rouge to spook to him on the rodeo at 1,400 ears.
12:28But what has happened to the British airmen?
12:30We do not knee, but I'm going to lick for them on my bursicle.
12:36If the Nitzes find them, we could be up the crick without a piddle.
12:42That is bad nose.
12:47I say, Castle.
12:50I wonder what happened to that aeroplane from Blighty.
12:53Don't know, old boy.
12:55Must have missed it somehow.
12:57Well, we'll just have to kip down here until someone finds us.
13:00I hope they hurry up. I'm starving.
13:03Well, needs must when the devil drives.
13:07Can't be any worse than the grub for the café.
13:12Yes, sir.
13:15Enter.
13:18These are the two French resistance fighters you asked to see, Prime Minister.
13:24They don't look very French to me.
13:26More like Laurel and Hardin.
13:30We had to give them new clothes, Prime Minister.
13:32When they arrived, all they had were filthy old habits.
13:38That's typical of the French.
13:40It's very tired.
13:42It's all that blood, sweat, toil and tears.
13:45Not to mention the whiskey.
13:48Tell them.
13:49I am very grateful to them.
13:51Foiling the plot to kidnap me was their most courageous act.
13:55Now I have their medals. Here.
13:56He has the medals for you.
13:58Oh, no. That is the last thing we want.
14:00Refuse them, Captain Gehring. Please.
14:02What was that, Captain?
14:03They are delighted, Prime Minister.
14:06Use them, he may have you shot as traitors.
14:09Here are the citations.
14:11R-R toys.
14:13E-R toys.
14:15Gallantry above the call of duty.
14:18Brothers, are they?
14:20No, they're married, Prime Minister.
14:22Very odd, bedfellows, the French.
14:24No, sir.
14:26This one's a woman.
14:31I'll take your work for it.
14:36Come here.
14:38Meet these people like you.
14:40Brave, loyal allies.
14:42Fighting on the beaches, in the fields,
14:44on the streets and in the hills.
14:46You are keeping the free world safe,
14:48from the shadow of the Nazi jackboot.
14:52I'll give you these medals
14:54from the grateful British people
14:55in recognition of your work for the resistance.
14:59What did he say?
15:01You're a hero.
15:03I'm getting quite a collection.
15:09I will pin it on myself, Mr. Churchill.
15:12Captain, show them the sights.
15:14A date of a chain on expansion.
15:17Yes, Prime Minister.
15:18And now, if you will excuse me,
15:20I must get on with the war.
15:22That's it.
15:22He has to get on with the war.
15:28I think it could be a very long one.
15:40You are not peddling evenly, von Smallhausen.
15:43I'm sorry, Herr Fleek.
15:46How can I make pots if the wheel does not turn evenly?
15:50Now, look what you have made me do.
15:53The pot has gone all wobbly.
15:57I was concentrating on my petty point.
15:59It's going very well.
16:01Oh, dear, I have stitched it to my habit.
16:04I will tell the abbot von Smallhausen
16:06and he will put you in solitary confinement.
16:08I do not mind.
16:09I find the peace and quiet refreshing.
16:12In that case, you will remain here with me.
16:14Enter.
16:18What can we do for you, sister?
16:21It is I, Helga.
16:22Helga, you have not become a nun, have you?
16:25No, I had to disguise myself to get in.
16:28Ordinary women are forbidden in case they corrupt the monks.
16:30I always say a little bit of what you fancy.
16:33That's your good.
16:35So where have you located the British airman yet?
16:36No, it is not very easy.
16:39Well, could you not eavesdrop and see if any of the monks speak English?
16:42This is a silent order.
16:43Except after the cheese and onion soup.
16:47Did you get the note we smuggled out attached to the stray dog
16:50that I remembered you had once thrown a bone to,
16:52which I assumed would seek you out for another nibble?
16:56No, but I did see you swinging on the bell rope through my binoculars
17:00and assumed you must be suffering great privation in the cause of duty.
17:04And in consequence, I've brought you some sustenance.
17:11Here is the bread for the sandwiches.
17:13What is there to put between them?
17:23I've brought a salami.
17:26Thank God.
17:27In my current state of nooky deprivation,
17:31the sight of your garter drives me wild.
17:34May I kiss you, Hevlich?
17:35A notice warns of severe penalties should any kissing take place within these walls.
17:42Am I not worth the risk?
17:45Let us try and see.
17:53The answer is no.
17:59Quick, it is nearly time.
18:02Hello, Night Oak. This is Night Oak calling from London. Over.
18:07Hello, Night Oak. This is Blue Teat receiving you loud and clear. Over.
18:12Hello, Blue Teat. I too can hear you very loud and very clear. Over.
18:17What went wrong with the planes?
18:19We were dragged onto the plane by mistake.
18:21They thought we were the airmen. Over.
18:23Where are the airmen now?
18:25Are they not with you? Over.
18:27Would I be asking if they were?
18:29Officer Crabtree has searched the old countryside for them.
18:32I have licked everywhere on my bersicle,
18:35but they have finished into thon ear.
18:38I have bersicled so much I've got a sore bim.
18:43Well, I do not know where they are. Over.
18:46Night Oak, listen very carefully.
18:48I shall say this only once.
18:50You must return immediately to sort this out.
18:52This is Mrs. Night Oak.
18:54This is Madame Edith.
18:56I would like to speak to Mama.
18:58She has passed out on the bed with a bottle of gin.
19:01Who is looking after the till?
19:03Monsieur Leclerc is in the bar giving free drinks to all his old pals.
19:07He will ruin the business.
19:09We shall return tonight. Over and out.
19:13It was very good of you to take a shopping.
19:16Not at all, Madame Edith.
19:18It is all of government expenses.
19:22Yes.
19:22And I love this dress. It's beautiful.
19:24What do you think, Rene?
19:26It was a long way to come just to go to Marks and Spencers.
19:30You were very pleased with your wife once.
19:32Please. Not at all.
19:34We cannot have you coming to Lion's Corner House in a man's suit, Madame Edith.
19:38So this is Lion's Corner House.
19:40Oh, it is very nice.
19:42Do you come here often, Cathy?
19:43Oh, yes, yes. I have something of a sweet tooth.
19:46But it is not the same as France.
19:49How I miss the smell of the drains and hair oil.
19:53And they can't make strudel here for toffee.
19:55But most of all, Madame Edith, I miss your cooking.
19:58Things must be very bad over here.
20:02Also, I have a little thing going with one of the waitresses here.
20:07Her name is Ethel.
20:08She's a nippy.
20:10Is she Japanese?
20:12No, no. They move so fast. That's what they call them.
20:15I hope she's better looking than that one over there.
20:18That's her.
20:20Oh.
20:21Well, now that I give her a second look, I see she does have certain qualities.
20:24You'll like her.
20:25Could we have the special, please, Ethel?
20:29These was left over from a customer what got tired of waiting, so you're in luck.
20:34Will I see you later, Ethel?
20:36Oh, if you like.
20:37I'm off this evening.
20:39I'll come round and knock you up at about eight.
20:45Such a strange sense of humour, these English girls.
20:48What has died on this heated bread?
20:51Today's special.
20:52Mushroom storks on toast.
20:54Delicious.
20:55Apart from which everything else is off.
20:56It always is.
20:57Mushroom storks?
20:58Well, what do they do with the rest of the mushrooms?
21:01Grind them up to make tea, if this is.
21:05I mean, you have to live on this food.
21:07Mmm.
21:07It's delicious. It's very tasty.
21:10And Great Germany is successfully blocking the Allies' supply lines,
21:14which are stretched to breaking point by our glorious men in the undersea boatens,
21:18as they blow them out of the water.
21:20Oops, what am I saying?
21:22You know, Edith, I wish I were coming home with you tonight.
21:26Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
21:28After eating here, even your food tastes like cordon blood.
21:31Well, I must go, René.
21:33Mama and Monsieur Leclerc are ruining the business.
21:36Well, I will send you good luck messages from time to time on the radio.
21:40Listen, an air raid!
21:42Our glorious air force, whose brave pilots defied the might of the few,
21:47have come to blow the pants of the British imperialists.
21:49Oops, I must go for some more brainwashing.
21:52Quick, to the shelters!
21:55Evening, Edith.
21:56Good evening, Colonel.
21:58Your table is over here.
22:00Is there any word from René, Edith?
22:02No, Lieutenant, but we expect him back shortly.
22:05Oh, good.
22:06Because we have to report persons missing more than 24 hours to the General.
22:11After that, they are subject to arrest and interrogation.
22:15Also, their friends and acquaintances.
22:17This includes the staff here.
22:19So, you see, it is rather serious.
22:21Are you sure you don't know his whereabouts?
22:23I have no idea.
22:24Know those of his wife?
22:26I know nothing.
22:27I think she tell her the truth.
22:29Here, let me buy you a drink.
22:30Oh, not at the moment. Thank you, Captain.
22:33Okie dokie. I give you one lighter.
22:36I sometimes wonder what you are doing in this war.
22:39Trying to get a piece of the action.
22:43Nearly there.
22:45Just stand in the middle and watch for that green light.
22:48Alright?
22:49Time to go.
22:53It has been wonderful to see you again.
22:55In a way, I wish I was going with you.
22:57But that would not be a good idea.
22:59Oh, it is very good of you both to come and see me off.
23:03René, will you not change your mind?
23:06I cannot, my love.
23:08I am not wearing a parachute.
23:10I do not want to get shot.
23:13But my heart will beat in time with yours.
23:16Although I am in a foreign land far away, while you fight for freedom.
23:19Oh, how beautiful it could.
23:23Oh, good-bye, René.
23:25I will give your best to the girls.
23:27And do not forget.
23:29Half the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobs is...
23:34Oh, yes!
23:37Oh, yes!
23:38Oh, yes!
23:38Oh, René, I knew you would change your mind.
23:41You were standing on my foot.
23:45We will kill them with this cabaret number, Ernest.
23:49Now, can you remember the words?
23:53Ah.
23:54I like to go a-wandering with a suitcase in my hand.
23:57No, no, no.
23:58A knapsack on your back, or...
24:01Try to get it right, Ernest, or it will be a disaster.
24:05Now that Edith is gone, my career is about to blossom.
24:11If you go on watering it like that, it will wilt.
24:15Nothing can stop my big comeback now.
24:2724 hours are up.
24:28Colonel, we shall have to arrest René on site.
24:31I will let you do it.
24:33Is that an order?
24:35Just now.
24:39Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, I'll give you the wandering yodel-ers.
24:57You keep singing.
24:58I will yodel my way down the back passage and make a...
25:03I love to go for wandering along the mountain track.
25:11And as I go, I love to see my napsack on my back.
25:22Ah, so there's the peasant there recommended for the collaboration, ma'am.
25:26I thought you said he was missing.
25:28He was.
25:30Silence!
25:33I have bad news for you.
25:36Berlin did not accept my recommendation.
25:38Blowing up a minor troublemaking general by accident does not constitute a sufficient degree of collaboration.
25:44You must try to do better next time, peasant.
25:45I will do my best.
25:47Now that I'm here, I might as well enjoy a convivial evening.
25:51K, on.
25:53Volga-reee!
25:55Volga-reee!
25:56Volga-reee!
25:58Volga-reee!
25:59Volga-reee!
25:59One second on site, enjoy a much more convivial evening alone at my shadow.
26:03With a napsack on my back.
26:06Volga-reee!
26:06Volga-reee!
26:07Volga-reee!
26:07Volga-reee!
26:08Volga-reee!