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00:03It is hard to believe that this bed knob is responsible for the disappearance of Monsieur Leclerc and my wife's
00:09mother, but it is a fact.
00:12A secret disappearing bed built by Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker, which was only to be used in an emergency,
00:19was activated by this very knob so that the silly old couple could hide after they had been released and
00:25snatched from prison by my wife Edith, who was using forged papers.
00:29Madame Fanny turned this knob, and she and Monsieur Leclerc flew up into the wall, and the knob fell off.
00:37As it has to be turned again to release the bed, they are, of course, still hanging upside down like
00:42a couple of aged bats.
00:44I just phoned Monsieur Alphonse to get him to come and release them, but if he does not hurry up,
00:49well, I fear the worst.
00:51Edith, where is Monsieur Alphonse with his tools? He should be here.
00:56Well, perhaps his horse is lame.
00:58Well, Edith, they have stopped knocking.
01:00What?
01:01My mother and Monsieur Leclerc.
01:05Oh, Mama, do you think this knob was the last thing she held before she disappeared?
01:12A fitting epitaph, Edith.
01:15Ah!
01:20Oh, my dicky tickle.
01:23Oh, we undertakers are not used to our e-ing.
01:25Our clients are usually dead.
01:28Are you all right, Monsieur Alphonse?
01:30Oh, really, he does not look well.
01:32Then take him upstairs quickly.
01:34If he pegs out down here, people will think it is something wrong with my wine.
01:45How can I hear if they're banging, if you're banging?
01:48And how can I hear if they have banged in answer to my bang, if you are shouting?
01:51Oh, you listen, Alphonse.
01:53No, you listen, Alphonse.
01:55Oh, no!
01:56Yes, yes, yes, yes!
01:57No, no, no, stop that, you two.
01:59Can you hear anything?
02:01Nothing.
02:01Except to her shouting.
02:03What if Mama has suffocated?
02:05Oh, this place is riddled with mousels.
02:08There is bound to be some air, even if it does smell strongly of cheese.
02:11Do not fear, Mother.
02:13I have come fully prepared for all eventualities.
02:16I have with me, my undertaker's tape measure.
02:19And also, a catalogue of my coffins for you to pose at your leisure.
02:24Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, surely you can do something.
02:27Well, first of all, I shall listen with my stethoscope.
02:33Pardon.
02:41I can hear wheezing.
02:44Do they have asthma?
02:46That is you, you old fool.
02:50This craftsmanship is superb.
02:53I could never prise it down.
02:55I know I will drill an airful for them.
02:59Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, do be careful.
03:02Yes, do not drill through her mother.
03:04Really?
03:05What if he strikes a vital organ?
03:07She does not have a vital organ.
03:11He has struck metal.
03:13Could it be her ear trumpet?
03:14If it is, I hope she was not listening.
03:18Ah, yes.
03:19I can hear them now.
03:21They are snoring.
03:23They are asleep.
03:25Mama, are you all right?
03:27It is me, Edith.
03:31Get me out of here.
03:34Now you have done it.
03:35Why did you not let them sleep until they were out?
03:38Yes, well, there is only one answer.
03:40I will drill small holes around the hinges and put in a small explosive charge.
03:46Do you have any dynamite?
03:48This is a cafe, not an arsenal.
03:51Michelle of the resistance will have some.
03:53Really?
03:53Go to Officer Crabtree.
03:55He will find Michelle and get some dynamite from her.
03:57I am not going to risk my neck getting dynamite.
03:59We could blow the whole place up.
04:00But we only need a small charge.
04:05I think Madame Fanny is trying to say something.
04:10Yes, she wants some soup.
04:12That'll be tricky.
04:14Mimi, there is some onion soup on the stove.
04:16Go down, fill the bellows with the soup, and then put the nothing in the oven in the barn.
04:21We will pounce that through.
04:23After that, we may not need dynamite.
04:26I will go and get a message to Michelle.
04:28In the meantime, do nothing.
04:33I open my door to no one unless they give the correct secret knock.
04:43Wrong!
04:45It is me, Airflick.
04:47Helga!
04:52Why did you not shout?
04:54I do not want the whole town to know I'm your bit of stuff.
05:00So, did von Smallhausen commit a crime in the colonel's office and get himself sent to jail
05:05in order to ingratiate himself with Madame Fanny and the old piano player,
05:09who are also prisoners there, to find out if they know the whereabouts of the British airmen?
05:13No.
05:14What?
05:14That is to say he did get sent to jail.
05:17Unfortunately, the old couple had already been released.
05:19Von Smallhausen was arrested for having no papers in suspicious circumstances.
05:23What?
05:24Suspicious circumstances?
05:26He was dressed as a burglar in a mask and riding a bicycle without a rear light.
05:30Von Smallhausen does nothing right.
05:33Fancy forgetting the rear light.
05:35I will go and have him released.
05:36May I kiss you first, Heflick?
05:39Not until you have passed your secret knocking test.
05:45That is near enough.
05:51Heil Hitler!
05:53Heil Hitler!
05:55Heil Mussolini!
05:57I am Mussolini!
06:17What did you have in mind, General?
06:19Something which, if it succeeds, will put our names down in the history books alongside
06:24the great German war heroes of the past.
06:26Oh, the great Italian war heroes!
06:29Him as well.
06:33How are we to achieve this, General?
06:35Well, an old colleague of mine who fought alongside me in the Condor Legion in Spain,
06:40General Boris von Bratwürsten, has heard from intelligence that very shortly Churchill
06:45is scheduled to take a brief painting holiday on the south coast of England at a place called
06:51Pognor.
06:52Pognor?
06:53Hmm.
06:54Now, von Bratwürsten plans to go in on a lightning commando raid and snatch him, ending the war
07:00at a stroke.
07:01And, to ensure complete secrecy, he has decided to launch the raid from here.
07:08Even the Fuhrer knows nothing.
07:10Won't he be cross?
07:13If we fail, he will never know.
07:15But if we succeed, we'll all be up to here in Iron Crosses.
07:20How dare he?
07:21How typical of the Condor Legion.
07:24You will have our full backing, General.
07:27Won't he, Gruber?
07:29We shall be behind him all the way.
07:33And if the plot fails, mum's the word.
07:36Must not fail.
07:37I am to be at von Bratwürsten's side.
07:39In that case, there's every chance.
07:41Gruber, I know how keen you are to be in the action with the men.
07:45After the Russian front, this must seem very tame.
07:48I'm very adaptable.
07:50Good.
07:51Good.
07:51I'll put your name forward.
07:52What do you say?
07:54I'm too excited to speak.
07:59Just think, one day I shall be able to tell my children I was part of this.
08:04Just a small part, because I'm rather old.
08:08Well, not so small.
08:09We shall need a suicide squad to cover our retreat.
08:13You may lead it, if you wish.
08:14What do you say?
08:18He's too excited to speak.
08:21In fact, he may never speak again.
08:24Perhaps we should wait until General von Klinkerhofen is out of hospital.
08:28He's so good at planning this kind of thing.
08:31No, no, he will not be coming out.
08:33No.
08:34Von Bratwürsten is worried that he may not go along with the plan.
08:37So he has cut off on Klinkerhofen's phone, and is making arrangements to have him transferred
08:42to a nursing home in Bavaria, where he can convalesce after his nervous breakdown.
08:49Come.
08:49But General, the report is that he's much improved and almost ready for release.
08:54I do think we should consult him first.
08:57No, no.
08:58We want the glory for ourselves.
09:02To death.
09:03Oh, glory.
09:04To death.
09:05Yes, oh, glory.
09:07And in, of all places, Bognor.
09:18Pass me that vase, please, Yvette.
09:27Good morning.
09:29Now look what you have made me do, you idiot.
09:32I am Siri.
09:33Did I make you jimp?
09:35What do you want?
09:36I have Bright the Dinamote from Michelle.
09:39Where is it?
09:40It is Doon My Truesers, disguised as Kindles.
09:53The first one is a real Kindle.
09:58And the rest is the Dinamote.
10:03And I am glad to get rid of it.
10:06I also have a massage from Michelle.
10:08What is the massage?
10:09I must take the British Airmen to be woed on the Feshminger's skulls.
10:15What is this lunatic on of you?
10:18He wants to take the British Airmen to be weighed on the Feshminger's scales.
10:23Whatever for?
10:24London hope to send a light aircraft,
10:27and they need to knee their woe so they can flee them at knit to England.
10:36What knit are they going to flee them?
10:40It has not been disuited.
10:42Where are they new?
10:45Oi!
10:46Hello!
10:49We are they dressed as scribbing ludies?
10:52I have to get my money's worth from them somehow.
10:55Are you all right, Trax?
10:56No, not really.
10:57All this cleaning is ruining my hands.
11:00And I've got a nasty case of host of A.C.
11:04Not to worry.
11:05It won't be for very much longer.
11:07Come with me.
11:08Before you go, clean up this broken vase.
11:11What's he saying?
11:12No idea.
11:14You think they'd learn to speak English?
11:17You cannot get good domestic help these days.
11:20Oh, René.
11:21If only we could flee to England in the plain as well.
11:24But we are not British Airmen.
11:26I wish we were.
11:28Oh, all is me.
11:29Oh, Yvonne.
11:31Oh, René.
11:33Oh.
11:35Every time you hug me, I seem to grow stronger.
11:39I must remember to top up my battery.
11:43Oh.
11:44Is that your heart?
11:46I can feel throbbing.
11:51Almost without a doubt.
11:55René.
11:56What are you doing holding that seventh girl in your arms?
12:00You stupid woman.
12:02Can you not see?
12:04This poor child, weak from anger, has broken this vase and is wondering how she can pay for
12:09it from her meager wages.
12:10Yes.
12:11Do not fret, child.
12:12Do not fret.
12:13You can pay on a monthly basis.
12:16Over several years.
12:18Now go and open your money box.
12:20Take something from it and slip it in the till towards it.
12:23Do not weep, child.
12:25Oh, I am sorry, René, but I am so worried about Mama.
12:30She is definitely off her food.
12:31She spat the soup right back out of the hole.
12:35I told you not to do that.
12:37Oh, well, never mind.
12:38Officer Crabtree has brought the dynamite.
12:39Oh, thank heavens.
12:41Well, we must have it.
12:42Monsieur Alphonse is already late for an embalming.
12:45Well, I am sure they will wait.
12:52Filthy.
12:54I am going to have to fire those two cleaning ladies.
12:57René, do you think I should warn Mama about the Big Bang?
13:00No.
13:01Let it come as a surprise.
13:06Good.
13:07The coast is clear.
13:08We will sneak upstairs and interrogate the old couple without being seen.
13:15Make no noise with your stick, von Smallhausen.
13:18Yes, Herr Flick.
13:31I have lit the fuses.
13:33There should be just enough to blow off the hinges.
13:36Did you warn your mother?
13:37No, I did not want her to worry.
13:42We wish to interrogate Madame Fanny and the piano player.
13:45Is this their room?
13:46Oh, you cannot go in there.
13:48The Gestapo can go anywhere.
13:50There has been a severe gas leak.
13:53It is very dangerous.
13:55I cannot smell anything.
13:57Von Smallhausen, you are near the ground.
13:59Does your big proboscis smell anything?
14:03Apart from a hint of cheese.
14:06Nothing.
14:07Then follow me.
14:17Mama, are you all right?
14:19Are you all right?
14:22Was I dreaming or was there an almighty bang?
14:29It was nothing to do with me.
14:32My God, the Gestapo have been blown to little pieces.
14:35Do you anticipate?
14:36You wish to interrogate my mama and Monsieur Leclerc Affleck?
14:40Well, here they are.
14:42We will come back when our headaches are better.
14:46General von Flockenstaufen has become a liability.
14:50This crackpot plan to kidnap Churchill could get us into serious trouble.
14:54We could all be court-martialed.
14:56And Lieutenant Gruber may be shot by the British.
14:58Which would be most distressing.
15:01We must get into the hospital, see von Klingerhofen, and alert him to the situation.
15:06But he is around the twist.
15:09For a German general, that is not unusual.
15:13And less around the twist is better than right around the twist.
15:17If we can get to him, he can use his influence in Berlin to have von Flockenstaufen removed
15:22and this mad plan aborted.
15:24But no one can see General von Klingerhofen.
15:27The psychiatric wing has been placed out of bounds.
15:31We must find a way of getting in.
15:33May I suggest to this end that you arrange for a little entertainment at the Café René tonight
15:38to keep General von Flockenstaufen out of the way
15:40while I disguise myself as a nurse and go to the hospital.
15:44On what pretext?
15:45I will take Captain Bertarelli with me,
15:47who will pretend to be a patient in need of psychiatric help.
15:51Together we will gain access to the General's room.
15:53I was going to suggest something like that myself.
15:58Wait a minute.
15:59Why I have to play the fruiter kike?
16:04You will be the most believable.
16:06I don't think I like this plan.
16:08Maybe you would like me to recommend you for the Death or Glory Suicide Squad.
16:12But you've convinced me.
16:15Already I can feel a fit coming on.
16:21Nice to see you all.
16:23Sit over here, please.
16:26I have arranged the entertainment you requested, Colonel.
16:29Well, get on with it, René.
16:31Yes, of course.
16:35Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.
16:37It is cover-ray time at Café René.
16:40And the first item on the bill,
16:41my wife Edith,
16:43Madame Edith,
16:44will sing for you a song she has prepared.
16:52Splendid.
16:53What is the cheese for?
16:55To stuff in your ears.
16:57Surely that is not necessary.
16:59It is optional.
17:17It says so many things in different ways.
17:24And every time it plays.
17:30He bursts out of her stage.
17:35It's like the crack of the night.
17:37Can't help myself.
17:38I must play the maracas.
17:45It's like the crack of the night.
17:47Can't help myself.
17:47I must, I must, I must
17:50play my maracas.
17:55Oh, hey!
18:26Is she finished yet?
18:28I think so.
18:29Thank God for that.
18:31Would you like another song, eh, General?
18:34They're not masochists, Edith.
18:37I could sing you a tragic song.
18:39You just did.
18:41What did the General think?
18:43I'm sure you have never been better, darling.
18:45In fact, your voice reminds me of my boyhood
18:47on a farm in Bavaria.
18:48Oh, you mean like the golden maidens
18:51who sing in the cornfields?
18:54No, the threshing machine.
18:58I shall not sing again this night.
19:00What's next on the cabaret, René?
19:02We have just lost it.
19:05In that case, I should be off to see
19:06how poor old piggy's getting on.
19:08Oh, don't go, General.
19:10Hmm?
19:10Grueh, but play for the general.
19:12He'd like that.
19:13Oh, you play, Lieutenant.
19:15Only now and then.
19:16You really are a talented fellow.
19:19Show me what you can do.
19:21René, Lieutenant Grueh would like to play.
19:23Oh, of course, Colonel.
19:24Yes.
19:28You will like this one, René.
19:30It is very appropriate for the cafe.
19:35See what the boys in the back room will have
19:40And tell them I'm having the same
19:43Don't see what the boys in the back room will have
19:48And give them the poison they name
19:51And when I die, don't spend my money
19:54On flowers and my picture in a frame
19:59Just see what the boys in the back room will have
20:03And tell them I cry
20:06And tell them I find the right
20:10And tell them I find all the same
20:15Bravo!
20:16Bravo!
20:18Bravo!
20:18Bravo, bravo!
20:26It's your sign!
20:27Helga! Helga, what are you doing here?
20:30What is Captain Bertrelli doing?
20:32You can stop acting now!
20:34I get carried away with the part.
20:39My phone's been cut off. I'm a prisoner here. Heads will roll for this.
20:43We are going to try to get you released, General.
20:45But first, we need the phone numbers of your powerful friends in Berlin
20:48to override General von Flockenstaufen's orders.
20:50What orders?
20:51He and General von Bratversen are planning to fly to England to snatch Churchill.
20:56While he's doing a painting in the Bognor.
21:01Fools! Our invasion plans are imminent. They could be jeopardized.
21:04Von Bratversen is a hothead and von Flockenstaufen is an idiot.
21:08You must get me out of here now. I must phone Berlin personally.
21:11And then I will deal with von Flockenstaufen.
21:13But what the hell? Is the troops have the orders to keep you here?
21:18Are my men still at the chattel?
21:20Yes, General.
21:22Hmm. The windows are barred.
21:25You must go out to where you came in.
21:26Get off your uniform.
21:27Yes, General.
21:29No, no, not you, Helga. You, but Relly.
21:31Helga, you can help me.
21:32But, General, do as I say.
21:38I have changed behind the screen.
21:41You could be a corporal again for this.
21:43Thank you, General. But what is your plan?
21:45High up.
21:48You pushed an idiot in. You're going to wheel one out.
21:52And what about me?
21:54When I'm back in command, you'll be released.
21:58What if you have a slip-up?
22:00Then you'll have to prove that you're not mad.
22:03I could be here a long time.
22:06Hey, you there. More wine.
22:09General, don't you think you've had enough?
22:11No, no. When I was in the Condolegion, I could drink ten men off the table.
22:15And you were real men.
22:17Oh, you must miss those days.
22:22What, the General would like to pay for the other bottles now?
22:25Put it on the slate, sweetie. And pay for it later.
22:28How much later?
22:29When the war is over, hmm?
22:31I will order some new slates tomorrow.
22:35Don't forget to me, please.
22:37I get another medal, yes?
22:39No, how are you going to get the iron cross just for lending me your uniform?
22:43Quick, I'm at Gerhardt to my headquarters.
22:45And then we will deal with Von Flockenstuffen.
22:49Blue battery! Blue battery!
22:52Anything else is a piece of blue batteries!
22:54Blue battery!
22:55Blue battery!
23:02More wine! More wine!
23:04General, he's going to bankrupt us if he comes in here much more often.
23:07I do not like him, Renny.
23:09He has mean little eyes.
23:11And he is clearly cone-deaf.
23:17Well, you should know.
23:20You know, this wine is no good.
23:23You there, peasant, come here!
23:24Uh, this peasant or this peasant?
23:27The one with the mustache.
23:32General.
23:33You know, I would not be surprised if you're hiding your best wines from us.
23:36Yes!
23:37So where is your wine cellar?
23:38I wish to see for myself.
23:40I assure you, General, I have given you the finest wines that I possess.
23:43So you say.
23:44But I will be the judge of that.
23:46Hmm?
23:47Oh, all right, if you must.
23:49It is the door in the passage.
23:51But there is no light.
23:53Then give me a candle.
23:55We do not have any.
23:57No. No candles.
24:00Then what is this?
24:04The candle, General.
24:05Yes.
24:06It's a candle.
24:08Yes.
24:09It's a candle.
24:12Why did you leave them there?
24:14That was dynamite.
24:15How was I to know he was going to ask for a candle?
24:19No.
24:22St. Julian.
24:23René.
24:24Let us take the money from the till and leg it across the frontier.
24:26Too late.
24:27It is the end.
24:28No one will notice us.
24:29We can sniff out quietly.
24:32There is General Von Flockenstaufen.
24:35I'm back in command.
24:36He's under arrest.
24:37In the cellar, General.
24:38May I say, General, how relieved we are to see you.
24:41We hoped our little plan would work.
24:46What was that explosion?
24:48Possibly an exploding cork.
24:50Some of my champagne is very old.
24:55The candle exploded.
24:57It was a stick of dynamite.
24:59I am sorry.
25:00I did not intend to give him dynamite.
25:02It was left there by somebody I do not know to give to somebody I had never heard of.
25:07You carried out our instructions to the letter, René.
25:11You are quite a hero.
25:14This man, at great personal risk, gave the General an exploding candle to render him unable to carry out his
25:23madcap scheme, which could have reflected badly on your command.
25:27Oh.
25:27Where am I?
25:29Who are all these people?
25:31Is my head on the right way wrong?
25:35Take the General to the hospital?
25:37Fruitcake ward.
25:38And release, Captain Berthaville.
25:40We've got it.
25:46Excellent work.
25:48And you, my fine fellow, I shall recommend you for collaboration medal.
25:56collaboration medal?
25:57Oh, my God.
25:58That is the last thing I need.
25:59Oh, René.
26:01Would you like me to sing you a song to Sylvia Nervs?
26:05Well, they do say that one pain can cancel out another.
26:11Falling in love again.
26:13You never wanted to be.