- 2 days ago
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00:01Once again, my instincts for self-preservation have triumphed over my patriotism,
00:05and I am about to leg it to the Spanish border.
00:09The reason is very simple.
00:11Last night, Lieutenant Gruber arrived with the paintings of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Clump
00:16and the Cracked Vars with the Big Daisies by Van Gogh.
00:20There were four forgeries and two originals,
00:23which he had cleverly concealed once again inside Connaughtworth's sausages.
00:27Unfortunately, these sausages became confused with four sausages containing dynamite,
00:32four sausages containing submarine batteries,
00:36and eight Italian salami sausages containing garlic.
00:42All of these sausages are now, would you believe, down the trousers of Colonel Von Strom and Lieutenant Gruber,
00:47except for two, which are in the buttoned-up bosom of the already well-endowed Elgar, the Colonel's secretary.
00:54Sooner or later, something has got to give, and I do not want to be there when it happens.
01:01Ah, Michelle, how nice to see you.
01:04Where are you going?
01:05Oh, just to the barber's.
01:07With a suitcase?
01:08I'm saving my hair to stuff something with.
01:11If you are thinking of running out on us,
01:13you will find a bullet in your back before the station master come wag his flag.
01:18I will go by bus.
01:21I have serious news.
01:23Sit down.
01:27London has sent us a spy camera
01:28to photograph the plans for the invasion which are in the set,
01:32which we intend to blow up in the chateau.
01:34Unfortunately, the parachute carrying the spy camera was blown off course
01:38and has landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse.
01:41Well, I am sure if you ask him for it, he will let you have it.
01:45Yesterday, the German swan requisitioned the vineyard,
01:48so the village refused to work for them.
01:50Because if they do, they will be shot by the communist resistance.
01:54No one can go near.
01:56We must radio London to say there will be a delay.
01:59Where are the batteries?
02:00Down the trousers of Lieutenant Gruber.
02:03Does he know?
02:05No.
02:08He does now.
02:09He crossed his legs and shorted himself out.
02:13Never mind.
02:14We will use the bicycle.
02:16And we still have the dynamite.
02:18Oh, no.
02:19The dynamite is mostly down the trousers of the colonel.
02:22Can I trust you with nothing?
02:23I make plans.
02:25I devise schemes.
02:26I conceive complicated plots.
02:27And always you screw them up.
02:29Oh, no, no.
02:29That is not fair, Michelle.
02:30Do you not understand?
02:31I am writing my memoirs to sell after the war.
02:34So far, I am looking at right to each.
02:37Is your name René Artois?
02:39Yes, sir.
02:40Welcome to my cafe.
02:41We are closed.
02:43On the orders of Colonel Von Strom, I am placing you under arrest.
02:46What?
02:47But, Michelle, do something.
02:49Help me.
02:49You.
02:50You know this man?
02:51I have never seen him before in my life.
02:54Alive.
02:54Oh, thank you.
03:02Colonel, the prisoner is outside.
03:05Bring him in.
03:06Bring the prisoner in here!
03:15Heil Hitler!
03:17Heil Hitler.
03:20He must...
03:23Colonel, Lieutenant, what is wrong?
03:24What have I done?
03:25René, we are very cross with you.
03:29Yes, René.
03:30You have a lot of explaining to do.
03:32We examined the sausages, and we got quite a shock.
03:36Especially me.
03:39Four of the sausages contained batteries stolen from the submarine,
03:43and the two concealed in my bosom for dynamite.
03:48René, you've been working with the resistance again.
03:51Oh, no, no.
03:52You are quite wrong, Colonel.
03:54You see, hearing that the submarine batteries had been stolen,
03:57I straight away sent a message to the resistance,
03:59who, of course, I do not know at all,
04:01but I told them that if they did not return the batteries straight away,
04:05I would refuse to serve them in my cafe,
04:07if I ever found out who they were.
04:10Batteries came back.
04:12I was just about to return them to you when the general arrived.
04:15How do you account for this dynamite in my bosom?
04:19Well, as I understand it,
04:21the spark from the batteries was to be used to explode the dynamite,
04:25and so without the batteries, the dynamite was no use,
04:27so that is why they sent it back.
04:30It's all perfectly logical, if you think about it.
04:33I am thinking about it.
04:34Supposing the spark from the batteries
04:36had exploded some of the dynamite down my trousers.
04:39I have not even made a vill.
04:42You would have died intestate.
04:47And what about the dynamite I was carrying?
04:50Could not the heat of my bosom have caused a reaction?
04:53I could well believe it.
04:56It all sounds very suspicious, René.
04:58On the other hand,
05:00the general will be very pleased when we return the batteries,
05:03and without René, would we have them?
05:07True.
05:08Well, just as once, René,
05:10we will overlook this incident.
05:11Oh, thank you, Colonel.
05:13Providing you hide the painting of the fallen Madonna.
05:16Oh, no, not again.
05:17You will do as I tell you!
05:20Colonel, that's dynamite.
05:27I could have killed myself.
05:29You could have killed all of us.
05:31We must be more careful.
05:33Now, which sausage is which?
05:36These two and that and that are dynamite.
05:40These four are batteries.
05:41Up next to each other!
05:44Of course.
05:46Now, what about the paintings?
05:48These two are forgeries of the cracked vase
05:51with the big daisies by Van Gogh,
05:53which are to go to the general,
05:54one of which he will send to Hitler,
05:55believing it is a forgery,
05:57the other he will keep for himself,
05:58believing it is a genuine Van Gogh,
06:00but which, of course, is a forgery.
06:02That one is the original Van Gogh,
06:04which we promised to allow René to keep
06:06so that he can sell it after the war.
06:09Hands up all those who think you should not have it.
06:12Carry unanimously.
06:16Carry on, Gilbert.
06:16These two are forgeries of the fallen Madonna
06:19with the big boobies by Van Klomp,
06:21which were to go to Herr Flick.
06:22One he will send to Hitler,
06:24the other he will keep,
06:25believing it is the original,
06:26which he can sell after the war,
06:27but which, of course, like this, is a forgery.
06:29And anyway, neither of which he needs at the moment.
06:31Why is this?
06:32Because Herr Flick is in the neck.
06:35What for?
06:37For spying on me wearing Helga's clothes.
06:40Why were you wearing Helga's clothes?
06:42I wasn't wearing Helga's clothes.
06:44He was wearing Helga's clothes.
06:46Go on, Gruber.
06:48Finally,
06:50this is the genuine Van Klomp.
06:52Philip,
06:53you will take all these
06:54and the Italian salami
06:56and you will hide it in your kitchen
06:58on your sausage rack.
07:00Yes, Colonel.
07:01Colonel,
07:02might not a man seem to be carrying
07:03so many sausages in wartime
07:05around suspicion?
07:06True, Helga.
07:07We must hide them.
07:09Where?
07:10That's very simple.
07:18She is in here.
07:22Good morning,
07:23Frau Pink and Lotton.
07:26Close the door and go away.
07:31Thank Himmler you are here.
07:33The swine have put me on the wreck.
07:37I ordered it.
07:39You ordered it?
07:40Why did you order it,
07:42you oversized fruit bat?
07:44I thought I managed to interrogate you.
07:46I did this so that we could
07:47discuss your escape in general terms.
07:50For the sake of reality,
07:52could you give from time to time
07:54a little scream?
07:56Certainly not.
08:08Yvette,
08:09why do you cry?
08:10Oh, poor Renée.
08:12At this very moment,
08:13he could be suffering torture
08:14at the hands of the colonel.
08:16Tears will not help him.
08:18Only a bold, brave plan
08:20can save him now.
08:23And we do not have one.
08:27Good morning.
08:31Oh, well.
08:33It is that English idiot
08:34who speaks bad French.
08:37Maybe he can help us.
08:40Ah!
08:42What is the mystery?
08:43Renée has been arrested.
08:45Yes, I just hid the bad nose.
08:48We must rescue him
08:49before he drops us all in the chute.
08:53But what can we do?
08:55Madame E.
08:55Tears is beside herself.
08:57If he reveals my disguise,
08:59I will be up the creek
08:59without a piddle.
09:06Madame E.
09:06Tears,
09:07why are you dressed this way?
09:08It is the time for the action.
09:10I will rescue my brave Renée.
09:12I will storm into
09:13the office of the colonel.
09:15I will show him
09:16this hand grenade.
09:16I will remove the pin
09:18with my teeth.
09:18and I will tell him
09:20to release Renée
09:21or we will all die.
09:23This is rosky in daylight.
09:26Why do you not wait
09:27until it is Dick?
09:30We must strike now.
09:32Make sure the coast is clear.
09:34I will look outside.
09:37I will look outside.
09:59It is the Italian, Captain.
10:01He may recognize me.
10:05He is wicking this wound.
10:08I will hide.
10:10Please now or never
10:12come a hold me tight.
10:14Good morning.
10:15Nice day.
10:17Yes, indeed.
10:22Hitler.
10:25I will believe it.
10:34You are very small
10:36left for the army.
10:37Mind your own business.
10:48Hitler.
10:54Hitler.
10:56Hitler.
10:56It is.
10:57Hitler.
10:58You are safe.
10:59What are you holding
11:00in your hand?
11:02I was not going to release you.
11:04I was going to blow up
11:05his office with a grenade.
11:07A grenade?
11:08My God,
11:08give that to me
11:09before you blow us all up.
11:10No.
11:13I promise you
11:13you will never touch
11:14one of these things again.
11:16Very well.
11:17But I will keep this
11:18as a souvenir.
11:19No.
11:23No.
11:24No.
11:24No.
11:24No.
11:24No.
11:25No.
11:36I turn my back
11:37for five minutes
11:38and you demolish
11:39the town convenience.
11:48Yvette,
11:49we need you
11:50behind the bar.
11:50Why are you taking so long?
11:52Oh,
11:52I was hanging them up
11:53and I went into a day
11:55dream.
11:58And I thought about
11:59all the happy times
12:01we have had in here.
12:03Yvette,
12:04my little tiger.
12:05Oh,
12:06Rene,
12:07my big cuddly bear.
12:09My little chicken.
12:10My big turkey.
12:13Oh,
12:14hold me.
12:15Kiss me.
12:16When are we going
12:17to get married?
12:19Ah,
12:19well,
12:19I am sorry,
12:21Yvette.
12:22First,
12:22I must marry
12:23Edith to get
12:23my café back.
12:24Oh,
12:25but Rene,
12:26I cannot stand
12:26the waiting,
12:27the longing,
12:29the yarning.
12:30Oh,
12:30how my heart
12:31pounds and flutters.
12:33Can you not feel
12:34it through your apron?
12:35I thought you
12:36had a wild pigeon
12:36in there.
12:37Oh,
12:39Rene,
12:40what are you doing
12:41with your arms
12:42around that girl?
12:43You stupid woman.
12:46Can you not see
12:47she is suffering
12:48from claustrophobia?
12:52She accidentally
12:53locked herself
12:54in the ladder.
12:55But there is no key.
12:57Of course,
12:57there is no key.
12:59That is why
12:59she could not get out.
13:01Ah,
13:02there,
13:02there,
13:02are you feeling better?
13:03Thank you,
13:04Rene.
13:05Oh,
13:05the poor child.
13:07It happened to me once.
13:08My heart fluttered
13:09like a wild pigeon.
13:11I screamed
13:12and screamed,
13:13but nobody came.
13:15We thought
13:16you were singing.
13:26Here is the schnapps.
13:29And if you would like
13:31a little fawn
13:31and games upstairs,
13:33it will be
13:331,000 francs.
13:36There is my card
13:37with my address.
13:39Mimi La Bonque.
13:42Turn left
13:43at the top of the stairs,
13:44second door
13:45past the linen cupboard.
13:50My room
13:51is next to us.
13:55I am half price.
14:03There we go.
14:04Clean those tables.
14:07Willie,
14:09every bone
14:10in my body
14:10is aching
14:11for you.
14:12Come to me
14:13at midnight
14:14in the airing cupboard.
14:16Mimi,
14:16my wife
14:17may not be asleep.
14:18And besides,
14:19it is very warm
14:19in there
14:20next to the hot water tank.
14:21A sinker
14:22can fix the old boiler
14:23with her hammer.
14:25Might be kinder
14:26if you gave her
14:27a sleeping pill.
14:31Dear Madame Edith,
14:32I bring you lilies.
14:34Oh,
14:35how thoughtful.
14:36I will put them
14:36in water.
14:37I was about
14:38to place them
14:39on the grave
14:39of my late uncle
14:41when I thought
14:41to myself,
14:42what the heck.
14:43All he left me
14:44was a rolled gold
14:45half-hunter
14:45which would not tick.
14:47How is my mother?
14:49She sat up
14:50beside me
14:50on the earth
14:51when we buried
14:52Monsieur Solier,
14:53the cobbler.
14:55She had the time
14:56of her life.
15:00David,
15:00what is going on?
15:02I had to
15:03spring clean
15:03the room
15:04of my mother
15:04where the British
15:05airmen are riding.
15:06And Monsieur Alphonse
15:07very kindly consented
15:08to take them
15:09to the funeral
15:09of the cobbler.
15:10It was a notable occasion.
15:13Over 40 of his
15:13fellow cobblers
15:14attended
15:15to pay tribute
15:16to him
15:17and sing
15:18in the church.
15:19And I've never
15:20heard such a lot
15:21of people
15:23of that profession
15:25singing in.
15:30René,
15:31General von Klinkhofen
15:32is coming
15:33to your cafe.
15:34Are you satisfied
15:34that the sausages
15:35are safe?
15:36They are well hung.
15:38Am I missing
15:40something?
15:41Stand up!
15:43Pay attention!
15:44General Erich
15:45von Klinkhofen.
15:46I say,
15:47what's going on?
15:48It's the General
15:49General.
15:49Talk and you'll
15:50be shot.
15:51We're wearing
15:51the right clover
15:52for it.
15:54General von
15:55Klinkhofen.
15:59Heil Hitler!
16:00Heil Hitler!
16:01Heil Mussolini!
16:07Mussolini!
16:07Mussolini
16:07never go well.
16:10It's been brought
16:11to my notice
16:11that no peasants
16:13will consent
16:14to work
16:14in the vineyard.
16:17Everyone present
16:17is recruited
16:18for forced labor.
16:19Names will be taken.
16:21You will assemble
16:22at dawn
16:22in the town square
16:23and will march
16:24under escort
16:25to your destination.
16:27Take the names,
16:27Gruber.
16:28Heil Hitler!
16:30Heil Hitler!
16:30Heil Hitler!
16:35Sir Chairman Swain!
16:40I agree with her.
16:48Quick!
16:49Quick!
16:50Hurry up,
16:51you peasants!
16:52Get in the line!
16:53Quick!
16:53Quick!
16:54Quick!
16:55Quick!
16:55Choo!
16:55Choo!
16:56Quick!
16:57Hurry up!
16:58Quick!
16:59I think that I have
17:00come to this.
17:01I, René-Atois,
17:02a slave laborer.
17:03Every cloud
17:04has a silver lining.
17:06At the vineyard,
17:07we can search
17:07for the miniature
17:08camera work.
17:09Pay attention!
17:11You will follow me
17:12in my little tank.
17:14Marlies
17:15and stragglers
17:16will be shot.
17:17This is my big gun.
17:19Attention!
17:28Clarence!
17:29Clarence!
17:30Forwards!
17:44Clarence!
17:45What is going on?
17:45What do you mean
17:47the person's fat?
17:48Oh.
17:53I think I need
17:54a little push.
18:01Clarence!
18:03Hush!
18:03Hush!
18:06Hush!
18:13keep picking and I do not wish to see any squashy ones
18:23keep your eye open for the camera
18:26you can rely on us
18:28when you find it
18:29hide it secretly on your person
18:33hey what do you think
18:34I have found a camera
18:39that is what we are looking for
18:44where is Michelle
18:46she is not here
18:47but they took her name in the cafe
18:48if they find out she is missing
18:50they will seek her out and shoot her
18:53oh my god
18:55somebody is bringing your mother in a wheelchair
18:58oh dear
18:59I hope she is well wrapped up
19:08it is I
19:09Michelle
19:10what have you brought her here for
19:13the general is coming to supervise the vintage
19:15and to test the wine of other years from the cellar that they have requisitioned
19:19I have brought these tablets
19:21they are poison
19:22what
19:25monsieur Alphonse
19:26you will place one in the wine that is being tested by the general
19:29he will die
19:30but the poison will leave no choice
19:32but mademoiselle
19:33everyone will think my wine has killed him
19:36my business will be ruined
19:37you will be doing it
19:39for France
19:39yes
19:40and if that goes wrong
19:42we have a reserve plan
19:44to kill the germans
19:46one
19:49your body is trading the grapes
19:51into the barrels
19:53trade the grapes
19:54everyone take your shoes off
19:59except you
20:11thank you
20:20one, two, one, two
20:24to feel the juice swelling up between the toes is quite sexy, is it not?
20:29I can't be exciting your bunions, Edith, but it is doing very little for me
20:34maybe it will cure your athlete's foot
20:46come, colonel
20:47the chateau has quite a good reputation
20:49let's taste the wine
20:55René, look
20:56it is General von Klingerhofen
21:03welcome, General
21:04to your commandeered vineyard
21:07we've been told your 32 is very good
21:10do you have a sample?
21:12I have samples for every year
21:14but I doubt the General
21:15would be able to test them all
21:19this is the 38
21:25pardon
21:46you do not taste your own vine?
21:49of course
21:51excellent
21:53the connoisseurs, of course, do not consume the wine
21:56they spit it out
21:57of course
21:58we must do the same
21:59we must not look like barbarians
22:13this is the 1937
22:17it may be a little rough in the aftertest
22:20thank God
22:35it is no good, he is spitting it all out
22:38I was relying on him consuming at least three glasses
22:41good, then we can give up
22:43now get your shoes up and start treading
22:45oh no, we have the other plan
22:47beneath the wheelchair of your wife's mother
22:49is a big shell case filled with explosives
22:52it is connected to an alarm clock
22:54which Mimi will now activate
23:06they must not blow up my mother
23:08no, not at this close range anyway
23:12don't worry, she has been well briefed
23:14when the alarm clock rings
23:16she will leap out of the chair and take cover
23:18five seconds later there will be a big explosion
23:25did you activate the clock?
23:27yes
23:28I found this on the floor
23:31that is the detonator
23:32will it explode without it?
23:34no
23:35but it will phase a lot
23:43what is this one?
23:44this is 32
23:45excellent
23:46do you not think so, Colonel?
23:48quite a poem
23:49it will have six cases
23:52Helga, you must try this
23:55madam
23:55do you enjoy wine?
23:58enjoy it, young man
24:01I am a connoisseur
24:06I know that we are enemies
24:07but not, I hope, in the presence of great wine
24:10please
24:11allow me
24:24she cannot hear without her ear trumpets
24:26get her out
24:28what is your opinion, madam?
24:46cancel the six cases
24:47I am a connoisseur
24:47I am a connoisseur
24:47I am a connoisseur
24:48I am a connoisseur
24:48I am a connoisseur