- 1 day ago
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00:03Some of you may be curious to know what I am doing in an A-stack wearing a top hat
00:09and a cold scat.
00:11I will tell you, I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse, a decrepit old undertaker who challenged me to a duel.
00:20My wife, Edith, invited the whole village to witness this spectacle, so she was particularly disappointed when I ran away.
00:30It's just as well that I did, because in spite of the fact that I was zigzagging through the woods,
00:35he still managed to dent my scuttle at 75 yards.
00:39The question now is, how much longer can I go on hiding from him without being discovered?
00:45Psst! Psst! Honey!
00:48What are you doing here?
00:50We are having a secret meeting.
00:54We have to decide what course of action to take next.
00:57I will tell you what course of action to take next. Get me to Switzerland.
01:02We need you here. You are a vital link in the escape route of the British Airmen.
01:07The balloon is assembled. A favorable wind is expected. We will need you to take the British Airmen to the
01:14rendezvous.
01:15Do you not understand? That maniac undertaker is trying to kill me!
01:19We have decided on a disguise.
01:21You have?
01:23Oh. Oh, Michelle. How can I ever repay you?
01:27Take off your clothes.
01:30The resistance, they don't mess about, do they?
01:34But could we not kiss and cuddle a little bit first?
01:40It is so you can put on your disguise.
01:43Ah. I thought my luck had changed.
01:49Who means my happiness?
01:53Who would I answer yes to?
01:58Well, you want to guess who?
02:02The one but you.
02:09Oh, Madame. You have a voice in a million.
02:14When we are married, I will sing to you every night.
02:17But, Madame Edith, that may not be appropriate. After all, our bedroom is above the mortuary.
02:23Forgive me. I was forgetting. I could hum Abba Maria unaccompanied.
02:32You probably would be.
02:39Monsieur Alphonse, it is very urgent that I speak to you.
02:45I do not know you.
02:47I am Michel of the Resistance.
02:49Michel of the Resistance?
02:51Not the intrepid leader of that brave band of partisans who roam the countryside,
02:55striking terror into the hearts of Germans and collaborators alike.
02:59Not the girl who is a legend, who comes into our midst like a phantom and then vanishes without a
03:05trace.
03:07That is the man.
03:10Lead, mademoiselle, and we will follow.
03:15I love you. I love you.
03:22Now listen, very carefully. I will say this only once.
03:26I will take notes.
03:28Oh, Yvette. Renée is outside.
03:31Oh, no. If Monsieur Alphonse sees him, he will kill him.
03:34Do not worry. He's in disguise.
03:36He will wait in the cafe until Michel explains to Monsieur Alphonse how important Renée is to our cause.
03:43Another cognac, please, Yvette.
03:46Any news of Renée?
03:47Not a word.
03:49The place is not the same without him.
03:51It's all clear.
03:52It's all clear.
04:05It's all clear.
04:22Those eyes, they look very familiar, particularly that one.
04:31I am trying very hard not to be familiar, monsieur.
04:35I have it.
04:36You are a relation of René, who works behind the bar.
04:39Very distant.
04:42You have very hairy legs.
04:46They run in the family.
04:49René, it is you.
04:51Please, Lieutenant, do not give me away.
04:53Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
04:56No, no, you do not understand.
04:58Yes, I do.
05:01I had an uncle with the same leanings.
05:04Every show of Tuesday, he would dress up as a pancake girl.
05:09I suppose you think I am a coward?
05:11On the contrary.
05:12I think it takes great courage to come out in the open and dress that way.
05:17Oh, my God.
05:19Germans.
05:19And they are coming to this table.
05:21Don't worry.
05:22I will cover.
05:24Mademoiselle, a dance.
05:26What?
05:26Oh, well, no, I don't.
05:28I'm not very good.
05:29Don't worry.
05:29I will lead.
05:38Are they watching us?
05:40Don't worry.
05:41Just be normal.
05:43I'm doing my best.
05:46We will do a few more bars.
05:47Then I will put you in my little tank and take you back to my place until it dies down.
05:56Lieutenant, do you feather?
05:57Of course.
06:03Just leave me here with my friends, will you?
06:06You're not really dressed for a tank.
06:07I think I'd better go and warm it up for you.
06:09If you need a push start, just let me know.
06:12I'll get the rest of the girls.
06:18I did not know who it was I was challenging to a duel.
06:22You, the leader of the escape route.
06:26Let me kiss the hem of your dress.
06:29Please, please, please.
06:30Monsieur Alphonse, you embarrass me.
06:32Tell me what to do.
06:33I will follow you anywhere.
06:37In a minute, I am going to have to go to the little girl's room.
06:41Oh, madame, I could not come between you and this.
06:48This, perhaps, the bravest man in France.
06:51Henceforth, I will admire you from afar.
06:55Good day to you all.
06:57Vive la France.
06:59Vive de Gaulle.
07:00Who?
07:01You know, de Gaulle, the one with the big ooter.
07:05Of course.
07:06Vive de Gaulle.
07:10Thank heavens he has gone.
07:12They did all very well for you.
07:13But what am I to tell my friends?
07:15I cannot be seen out with a coward.
07:17I have the explanation.
07:19You will tell them that during the duel,
07:22a bumblebee flew down his trousers at a critical moment,
07:25causing him to run into the river.
07:26But the nearest river is three miles away.
07:30It was a very big bee.
07:34Renée?
07:35Elga is here.
07:36She must see you.
07:37She's in trouble.
07:38One last message before I go.
07:40The wind is favourable.
07:42When the moon is down,
07:43you will lead the airmen to the balloon.
07:45Where are they now?
07:47Hello!
07:50We will disappear like phantoms into the night.
07:53Oh, good.
07:57Come in.
07:59Renée, the colonel and the captain
08:01have been arrested by the Gestapo.
08:03They are even now imprisoned
08:04in the dungeons of the chateau.
08:07What was that?
08:08It was the phantoms falling over the dustbin.
08:12Soon they will be interrogated.
08:14Herflick always gets to the bottom of everything.
08:17Why should I care?
08:18I have done nothing.
08:19You have hidden in your cellar
08:21a knuckwurst sausage
08:22containing the real painting
08:23of the fallen Madonna
08:24of the Big Boobies by Van Klum.
08:26A copy of which is hanging
08:27in the Gestapo sausage in your kitchen.
08:29Which Herflick is under the impression
08:30is the real painting.
08:31Which was supposed to be
08:32on the train to Hitler.
08:33Which did not arrive
08:34due to the fact that it was substituted
08:36for a normal knuckwurst
08:37which was blown up.
08:38They may reveal this under torture.
08:40Will they remember it?
08:43And we must help them
08:45before it's too late.
08:47I cannot go like this.
08:49Why not?
08:49I am disguised as a girl.
08:52How you relax off duty
08:54is no concern of the German army.
09:00Not so fast.
09:02My name is Engelbert
09:04von Smallhausen of the Gestapo.
09:07I am wishing to speak
09:09with René Artois.
09:11The barman.
09:13Oh, what a pity.
09:15You have just missed him
09:16by that much.
09:17It is his night off.
09:18The engine is warmed up, René.
09:20So let's go.
09:21So.
09:24You are René Artois.
09:28Why do you dress
09:29as a woman of the opposite sex?
09:33I was going to a pancake party.
09:36You will come with me.
09:37I will take you
09:38to the dungeons
09:39of the Gestapo headquarters.
09:40Have you any personal belongings
09:42you wish to bring?
09:44Just my handbag.
09:47You are private Helga Gearhart?
09:51I am.
09:52Here flick orders
09:53that you also attend.
09:56Please, come with me.
10:07Oh, this is terrible.
10:09What shall we do?
10:10We shall have to go
10:11over the heads
10:11of the Gestapo.
10:13Who are you calling?
10:14General Erich von Klinkehofen.
10:16Hallo, hallo?
10:28Hans, what are you doing?
10:31I'm scraping at the cement.
10:33I'm hoping to loosen
10:34one of these bricks.
10:35That would be absurd.
10:37The Count of Monte Cristo did it.
10:39It took him 20 years.
10:42Come to think of it,
10:42the film had already started
10:44when I went in.
10:49What do you think
10:50he is going to do to us?
10:52Who knows?
10:54They are terrible with women.
10:58Colonel,
10:59Colonel,
10:59can you not just tell him
11:00about your sausage?
11:02If we tell him,
11:05he will find out
11:06that we pinched
11:07a genuine painting
11:08so as to sell it
11:09when all this is over.
11:10Why do you have to try
11:11to make money
11:12out of the war?
11:13Why can you not just fight
11:14and I'm done with it?
11:15René,
11:16I want you to promise me
11:17if we ever get out of this
11:19that you will stop
11:20seeing those resistance people
11:23and I will try
11:24not to arrest
11:25too many Frenchmen
11:26and then we can all lead
11:27a quiet and normal life.
11:30I was trying to lead
11:31a quiet and normal life
11:33when I was arrested.
11:34So I see.
11:37Pull your skirt down.
11:39Pull your skirt down.
11:44So.
11:48Have you decided
11:49to talk yet?
11:50We know nothing,
11:51Herr Flick.
11:52That empty sausage
11:53is a complete mystery to us.
11:55Helga put it on the train.
11:56Helga has been
11:57very thoroughly interrogated
12:00and has revealed
12:01nothing new to me.
12:05I think we should have
12:06the brazier up a bit.
12:07whatever you say, Herr Flick.
12:11Take some bellows
12:12and pump it up.
12:17That is more likely.
12:22You are exceeding
12:24your authority.
12:25The Gestapo
12:25has no jurisdiction
12:27over senior officers
12:28in the army.
12:29or junior officers.
12:30What about cafe owners?
12:32They can do
12:33what they like with them.
12:34I do not know
12:35what you are
12:36complaining about.
12:37You are a temporary guest
12:39in a very equipped
12:40and completely soundproof dungeon.
12:43What is more,
12:45I hardly think a complaint
12:46that you were tortured
12:47to reveal the whereabouts
12:49of a knock-wurst sausage
12:50will be treated
12:52very seriously
12:53by the high command.
12:54I will return
12:56very soon.
12:57When I do,
12:58I suggest you talk.
13:09A note.
13:10I knew we could
13:11rely on Helga.
13:12Oh, Helga will have a plan.
13:14What does it say?
13:15It says,
13:17have you got a plan?
13:18No.
13:19I do not often do this,
13:21but I am going to offer up
13:22a silent prayer.
13:23We should all do the same.
13:25Hans.
13:26Open.
13:33Who prays for that?
13:36It's coming,
13:37it's coming from
13:38this ventilator.
13:39Here,
13:39just a minute.
13:44Oh,
13:45it smells like
13:46a sewer down there.
13:50I will declare.
13:55The wind is terrible
13:56in the sewers.
13:57What are you doing here?
13:58I bring a message
13:59from Michel.
14:01Ah,
14:02what is your message?
14:02It is for
14:03any seers only.
14:05Never mind that,
14:05get on with it.
14:06What is it?
14:06Michel says,
14:08have you got a plan?
14:12In the case,
14:13you are in
14:14DichtstĂ¼ck.
14:16Come back here,
14:17come back here.
14:17If only we were smaller,
14:18we could get down
14:19that little hole.
14:20Somebody else is coming.
14:22Harry!
14:24Maria!
14:26I have crawled
14:27through the trains.
14:28I had to say goodbye.
14:29Or kiss me
14:30for perhaps
14:31the last time.
14:32Oh,
14:32well,
14:32it is a bit
14:34embarrassing
14:34with the colonel
14:35and the captain here.
14:36Yeah,
14:36stick your head
14:37down the hole
14:37and do it.
14:40Hans,
14:41I don't know
14:41what they see
14:42in the man.
14:43He has quite good legs.
14:45Oh,
14:46it is her,
14:47Yvette.
14:47Another one?
14:48I have brought
14:49you your rings.
14:50My rings?
14:51See all the ones
14:52containing the pills
14:53with the deadly poison.
14:54Here.
14:56If all else fails,
14:58take them.
14:58You will feel no pain.
15:00You will die
15:01instantly.
15:03How thoughtful of you.
15:05Honey,
15:06I have saved
15:06the pill for myself.
15:08I cannot live
15:09without you.
15:10Oh,
15:11well,
15:11do not take it
15:11just yet,
15:12Yvette.
15:14He has a better time
15:15than me to even
15:16with his love life
15:16down the drain.
15:19Well,
15:20that is it.
15:21There we are then.
15:22Thank you, René.
15:22One each.
15:24Colonel,
15:25these are the rings
15:26which we gave to René
15:27in case he got caught.
15:28Yes,
15:28those are the rings.
15:29Yes,
15:30there's someone coming.
15:31Hide them.
15:32Yes.
15:33René,
15:34what are you doing?
15:36The girl
15:37smudged my lipstick.
15:41Have you decided
15:43to talk?
15:44I have decided
15:44not to talk.
15:46Very well.
15:48Helga,
15:49the wheel.
15:51The wheel?
15:53I will take care
15:54of the organ.
15:56The organ?
16:09Good.
16:11Before we start,
16:12have you any
16:13last requests?
16:15Blue skies
16:16around the corner?
16:18Helga,
16:20turn.
16:29Where is the sausage?
16:31The thing
16:32is going to crash us.
16:34It is in the cellar.
16:35I cannot hear you.
16:37It is in the cellar.
16:38The bench.
16:40The bench.
16:43It is in the cellar.
16:47Keep turning.
16:48We told you
16:49it is in the cellar.
16:51Not good enough.
16:53Helga,
16:53what are you doing?
16:55I am sorry,
16:55I am only
16:56a million orders.
16:58Shoulders to the ceiling.
17:00What are you doing?
17:02I am waiting
17:03for the ceiling
17:03to get down
17:04to my shoulders.
17:05Do you not find
17:06these grand
17:07crashing cards
17:08very exciting?
17:10I think you
17:10messed that
17:11nerd.
17:11Can't you do it?
17:13Keep turning,
17:14Helga.
17:14Keep playing, Helga.
17:18Look.
17:19No hand.
17:23Helga.
17:24I think it's time
17:25to take the pills.
17:27The pills, quick.
17:28Helga.
17:29Please.
17:31Nothing has happened.
17:33Another faulty batch.
17:36I have to write
17:37a letter about this.
17:38Burn my gun.
17:40I have to make
17:41open.
17:43This is happening.
17:46Heil Hitler.
17:50What is the meaning
17:51of this?
17:52These men
17:53are traitors
17:53to the Reich.
17:55They have stolen
17:56a knuckwurst sausage
17:57containing the painting
17:58of the fallen Madonna
18:00with the big boobies
18:01which was on its way
18:02to Berlin.
18:03The sausage they sent
18:05was blown up
18:06by the RAF.
18:07but upon investigation
18:08it transpired
18:10that there was
18:10no painting
18:11in the sausage
18:12and in fact
18:13all the sausage
18:14contained
18:15was sausage.
18:18Upon this evidence
18:19you are flattening
18:20a colonel
18:21and a captain
18:21in one of my divisions
18:22not to mention
18:24a very plain French girl.
18:27My authority
18:29comes from Berlin.
18:30My authority
18:31comes from this gun.
18:33Release them.
18:34I see.
18:36Temporarily
18:37you have the upper hand
18:38but I should warn you
18:40that my godfather
18:41is Heinrich Himmler.
18:43My wife's sister
18:44is the mistress
18:45of Hermann Göring.
18:47Hermann Göring
18:48has many mistresses.
18:50My wife's sister
18:51is the one
18:51who wears
18:52the chamois leather
18:53underclothes.
18:57Helga.
18:59Turn the wheel
19:00the other way.
19:01Yes, Heflick.
19:02So, you are party to this.
19:03No.
19:04I was only obeying orders.
19:06Reverse the wheel.
19:09Oh dear.
19:10What are we going to do?
19:14Incompetent fool
19:14stand back.
19:18Ladies, pastor.
19:23Oh, it is.
19:24It is.
19:26Oh, it is.
19:26Why do you ignore
19:28my Christ for assistance?
19:30I am here now, Mama.
19:32I have just been to the church
19:34to light a candle for...
19:35What's there today?
19:36I have just been to the church
19:37to light a candle for René.
19:39I fear he is no longer with us.
19:41Good.
19:44Now you can marry
19:46Sir Undertaker
19:47while he still has
19:48the hots for you.
19:50Think about that
19:51now that when he has gone,
19:53I must have the two airmen
19:54away as soon as possible.
19:57Oh, my little Itis.
20:00Always so Ed Strong.
20:06Get through to London
20:08so that I can spook
20:10on the Rudio.
20:13Itis,
20:14who is the fuzz
20:16with the bad French?
20:18He is an expert
20:20on escaping from London.
20:21I think so bad
20:23in London.
20:26What is happening to me?
20:28My room is full
20:29of transvestites.
20:32I do hope
20:33you're not expected
20:34to wear these things
20:35in the balloon.
20:36We're downdrafted
20:37around the needles.
20:39Oh, it is.
20:40I see fleshing knobs.
20:45Itis London.
20:48Help me.
20:50Quick.
20:52Get the code book
20:54while I assemble the radio.
20:59Hello, hello.
21:01This is Mrs. Nighthawk calling.
21:03Where is the wind
21:05coming from?
21:06I say again,
21:07where is the wind
21:08coming from?
21:10The simplest
21:11it always comes from.
21:13Stop it.
21:15The wind is
21:16from the southeast.
21:18Three knots
21:18and holding steady.
21:20Tonight is the night.
21:22Bring signal torch.
21:24When you're over coast,
21:26flash it.
21:27Over and out.
21:28Edith,
21:29René has been released
21:31and has returned.
21:32René released?
21:33Quick,
21:34it is to the church.
21:35Blow out the candles.
21:36You may get a refund.
21:42Oh, René.
21:43Thank heavens
21:44you are alive.
21:45I can't believe
21:46it is you sitting
21:47with me here
21:48at this table
21:48wearing that hat
21:50and that wig
21:51and that dress
21:53and those
21:53little white socks.
21:56Oh, Yvette.
21:57Thank God
21:58it is all over.
22:00And what is more,
22:01the colonel and I
22:02have made a pact
22:03that from now on
22:04everything will return
22:05to normal.
22:14Listen very carefully.
22:16I will say this
22:17only once.
22:18You are ordered
22:19to lead the British
22:20Airmen to the balloon.
22:21They will take off tonight.
22:22But that is not possible.
22:24On the orders
22:25of General
22:26von Klinkeroff
22:27and himself,
22:27the colonel
22:28and the captain
22:28have gone off
22:29on manoeuvres.
22:30The ones that were cancelled.
22:31The town is ruined
22:32with German soldiers.
22:33We are under curfew.
22:35People are allowed
22:36through,
22:36are engaged
22:37in essential services.
22:39Everything has been arranged.
22:41I have a plan.
22:42Oh.
22:43Now she has a plan.
22:45Why did you not have a plan
22:47when I was in
22:47the nutcracker suite?
22:55I cannot say
22:56what an honour
22:57it is for me
22:57to assist you,
22:58Monsieur René.
22:59The bravest man
23:01in France.
23:03Who has just escaped death
23:05by Gestapo torture
23:06and without thought
23:08of personal danger
23:09is even now
23:11helping the British
23:12Airmen to escape.
23:14I am quite a character,
23:16am I not?
23:18Someone is knocking
23:19on the coffin.
23:20Whoa!
23:30What are you knocking
23:31for, you old bat?
23:33You are supposed
23:33to be dead.
23:34I wish to go
23:36to the bathroom.
23:37You must go, wait.
23:39This is not a corridor, Urs.
23:42Do not speak that
23:43to my mother.
23:44You must be kind
23:45to her.
23:46It was your idea
23:47she should be the cop's.
23:48She is the nearest
23:49thing we have.
23:50Get back to your seat!
23:52Waggons!
23:53Roll!
23:54Walk on!
23:56It is!
24:11Not much further, chap.
24:13Charlie!
24:13Oh, Charlie!
24:15Katie,
24:16Jerry's on the horizon.
24:19It looks like a roadblock.
24:22Somebody is disobeying
24:23the curfew.
24:24Funeral processions
24:25are allowed,
24:26her colonel.
24:28I wonder why
24:29René is riding
24:30in the front.
24:31I wonder
24:32why the two corpses
24:34in the second hearse
24:35were sitting up
24:36and chatting
24:37to each other.
24:39I think it is possible
24:40that René
24:41is finally getting rid
24:42of the British airmen.
24:44So that life
24:45can return to normal
24:46like he promised.
24:48Hans,
24:49tell the sergeant
24:50to let them pass.
24:54This is a funereal.
24:56We are borrowing
24:57some biddies.
25:02Biddies?
25:03Bid-biddies
25:04and kiffins.
25:07Proceed.
25:09Let them proceed!
25:11Proceed!
25:20General,
25:21we've been klinging
25:21rufen.
25:22Halt!
25:23Halt!
25:33What is this?
25:34A funeral,
25:35Herr General.
25:37I see.
25:40I see.
25:54Open the coffin.
26:01It is my brother's
26:03wife's mother.
26:04She died
26:05of the plague.
26:07What plague
26:08is this?
26:09It's a plague
26:10that kills
26:11brother's wife's
26:11mother's.
26:13Open the coffin.
26:21This spreads
26:22across Europe.
26:22We're all headed.
26:24Very quickly.
26:27Prostee!
26:27Prostee!
26:33Oh, God.
26:43Oh, thank you.
26:46Oh, thank you.
26:50Keep pumping,
26:51Castaers.
26:52I think we're pretty
26:53near take-off.
26:54Let's hope the
26:55paraffin holds out.
26:56Let's hope the knickers
26:57hold out.
26:59Well, goodbye.
27:01Goodbye.
27:02Thanks awfully
27:03for having us.
27:04Let me know.
27:05We'll be happy.
27:06Goodbye.
27:07I can't lie.
27:10You must come
27:12and stay with us
27:13if you ever come
27:13to England.
27:15Goodbye.
27:16Goodbye.
27:18Goodbye.
27:20Goodbye.
27:23Goodbye.
27:26Put me on the trail,
27:28let me pow.
27:30Take me over.
27:31Barty Nichols did the trick.
27:35Bye.
27:37Bye.
27:39Now life at Café René can return to normal.
27:45Oh, goodbye.
27:47Oh, goodbye.
27:51Oh, you surprised.
27:54Well, that's normal as possible.
27:58Bye-bye.