- 11 hours ago
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00:01The strain of this terrible war is getting worse.
00:04I have been presumed dead, blown up in a windmill,
00:08taken prisoner as a love slave by the Communist resistance,
00:12shot in the bum by a hunter,
00:14and, while posing as a waxwork at the town museum,
00:17touched up by Lieutenant Gruber.
00:21The Germans now know that I am alive,
00:23and I have explained my absence by telling them
00:26that after the explosion at the windmill,
00:27I temporarily lost my memory.
00:30I was going to tell you something else, but I've forgotten what it is.
00:34Never mind. I will think of it later.
00:37Oh, and then...
00:38Oh, and then...
00:39At last we are alone.
00:41Hold me. Kiss me.
00:44Oh!
00:46Oh, it seems so very long.
00:50What then?
00:52Since we last had time for each other,
00:55or without you, my life is so empty.
00:58I will do my very best to fill your emptiness.
01:02Let us go behind the end house at once.
01:04No, no, no. Patience, Yvette.
01:05The time now is not right,
01:06but I will meet you tonight,
01:08upstairs in the broom cupboard,
01:10when the clock strikes twelve.
01:11Oh, Renée.
01:12Until then,
01:13every second will seem like a day,
01:15and every minute will seem like a year.
01:19At that rate, by midnight, you will be well over a hundred and two.
01:22Oh!
01:25Renée!
01:27What are you doing with that serving girl in your arms?
01:30You stupid woman!
01:33Can you not see that...
01:35Now, for a change, I would like her to explain.
01:38Me?
01:40Well, I was crossing the room when I...
01:44Oh, yes, I fell off the leg of the chair,
01:47and I would have fallen
01:48if Renée had not caught me in his strong arms.
01:51No, no, my dear sweet child,
01:53you must not lie for me.
01:54I did not want to tell you this, Edith,
01:56but I have had a minor spasm.
01:59Not a spasm.
02:01It has passed,
02:02and will not be mentioned again.
02:05Suffice to say that I must make the most of my time left to me here.
02:08Oh!
02:09Sit down, Renée.
02:10Oh!
02:12I am so sorry.
02:14I always forget how frail you are,
02:17and I'm only reminded when you come to bed.
02:25I forgive you, Edith,
02:27but please, please do not jump to conclusions in future.
02:31Now, Yvette,
02:31you go and lie down, dear.
02:33Get over the shock.
02:34Yes, Renée.
02:36Are you sure you are all right, Renée?
02:38Since you officially came back from the dead,
02:40you have been behaving rather strangely.
02:42Well, I have had a traumatic few days.
02:45Renée!
02:46I think we are going to get even more traumatic.
02:48Because you urgently...
02:51Listen very carefully.
02:53I shall say this only once.
02:55Acting on information received from British intelligence,
02:58my girls and I have managed to obtain top secret German plans
03:02for the defense of France when the Allies invade.
03:04How did you manage that?
03:06We waylaid the courier from Berlin.
03:08And while my girls kept him busy in an haystack,
03:11I photographed the plans in his briefcase.
03:14I have the microfilm here.
03:16Oh!
03:16A coup like this could turn the tide!
03:18I know.
03:19Now we must send a microfilm by carrier pigeon to England.
03:23But first, we must radio to London.
03:25Oh, can it not wait till later?
03:27Oh, but what could be more important than this?
03:29Well, it is just that Mama and Monsieur Leclerc
03:32have only just made it up after their row.
03:35I did not want to disturb them.
03:36They are like a pair of lovebirds.
03:38Get out, you two-timey grunt!
03:41Not birds.
03:43More like fighting cops.
03:45Let us get up there before they demolish the attic.
03:52Stop that, you silly old bird!
03:54What is happening?
03:57Ask him, the unfaithful wretch.
03:59He has cheated on me again.
04:01I found this letter in his suitcase.
04:04Listen.
04:06My lips burn for yours.
04:09I cannot wait for you to swing once more from the chandelier.
04:16Dressed only in your top hat and socks.
04:22I cannot read the signature.
04:24What sort of man are you?
04:26Certainly not shy.
04:28I am the sort that got the letter in 1927.
04:32It means it's a letter.
04:35And...
04:36What sort of woman would write such things?
04:41Mama, this is your signature.
04:46That is what I have been trying to tell her.
04:49So you were the one.
04:52I still have the topper and the socks.
04:56That not a good that is, we have no chandelier.
05:00We cannot waste time like this.
05:02Monsieur Leclerc, go and get one of the homing pigeons from René's house and meet us in the square.
05:07Now we must radio to London.
05:09Yes, of course.
05:12It's a flashing knob!
05:15Shut up!
05:18Hello, London.
05:20This is Blutit calling.
05:22Over.
05:23What is your message?
05:24Over.
05:25We have the plans you asked for.
05:27We are sending them by homing pigeon immediately.
05:30Over.
05:31Well done, Blutit.
05:33And here is a personal message recorded last night by Mr. Churchill for Nighthawk, Hero of the Resistance.
05:40These words could go down in history.
05:44Well done, Ronald.
05:55Good morning.
05:56Good morning.
05:58What are you doing with that pigeon?
06:01We are sending vital information to London.
06:03That is a rosy boss-ness.
06:06I will stand leek out for you in case you are spitted by the Nitzis.
06:11The pigeon is ready.
06:14Oh, fly bravely and swiftly, my little pigeon.
06:17Why are you talking to the pigeon, Edith? He cannot understand you.
06:22He will sense the encouragement in my voice.
06:25Are there any Germans about?
06:27Not a Nitzi in suit. We are ready for lunch.
06:32Then, goodbye pigeon.
06:39There he goes. Straight for England.
06:42That is not the way to England.
06:44He seems to be circling.
06:46And coming back towards us.
06:52He does not appear to winter goo to England.
06:56Perhaps you could show this stupid bird a map.
06:58What?
06:59We will try again.
07:06Right.
07:07Which oming pigeon did you get from the N house?
07:10The one that lives in Nouvion.
07:12You silly old fool.
07:14How are we going to get the defense plans to London now?
07:17There seems to have been an almighty kick-up.
07:19This week is the annual fishmongers parade to the coast.
07:23We will enter a float to which my girls will attach propellers and engines.
07:27And if we succeed, Churchy will jump for joy.
07:31No doubt causing a rush of truss makers to number 10 Downing Street.
07:35We will try the pigeon one more time.
07:38Oh.
07:39No wonder it will not leave.
07:41It has a baby.
07:43Now you know why I never wanted children.
07:51The Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber are here, General?
07:54Send them in.
07:55Yes, General.
07:57The General will see you now.
08:02Hi, Hitler.
08:03Hi, Hitler.
08:04Sit down.
08:06I will not beat about the bush.
08:08The war is going very badly.
08:10Certain generals are blaming Hitler and plotting to assassinate him.
08:13Disgraceful.
08:14Who would do such a thing?
08:16I would.
08:18Ah, well, that does put a different complexion on the matter.
08:22It's a relief to know that I can trust you,
08:23for you are going to help me in the assassination.
08:26Perhaps I could be excused.
08:28I'm a married man.
08:30If anything goes wrong, you will have a proud widow to whom I shall write.
08:34And if anything happens to you, Gruber?
08:37I should like to be buried with Hubert.
08:40Which regiment is he in?
08:42He is my little tank.
08:46Oh, yes, of course.
08:49Now, I intend to deliver the portrait of the fallen Madonna vis-a-big-boobies to the FĂ¼hrer
08:54in a frame packed with explosives.
08:57When Hitler examines the picture, he will be blown to bits.
09:01But we do not have the painting, General.
09:03He will have a forgery made.
09:05I have been examining the local police records,
09:08and it seems that the old man at the café, Ernest Leclerc, is a convicted forger.
09:13I have sent for him.
09:14He will make a copy for us.
09:16But, General, he has nothing to copy.
09:19I have here a photograph of you holding the painting, Gruber.
09:23As a further help, I have arranged with Private Helge Gerhardt to pose as the fallen Madonna for us.
09:28Hitler, it is an ingenious plan, but how can you ensure it is the FĂ¼hrer who is blown up?
09:34Someone will have to be present to detonate the frame when Hitler receives it.
09:37Will they not be killed too?
09:39They is at risk.
09:40But whoever succeeds will have almost every man in the German army behind him.
09:49Quite a prospect.
09:55And this is the float we used the last time Nuvion won the annual fishmonger's parade to the coast.
10:04Incredible how after all this time the pong of success still lingers.
10:09I had to dress as a lump fish.
10:11I remember it well. I was only 16.
10:14And to think, I waved this parade float farewell,
10:18never knowing that my wife-to-be was the small lumpy fish in the back.
10:23I do not know if I can still get into the costume.
10:25Do not worry. There is plenty to choose from.
10:29They are here in this box.
10:30René, you can be Neptune on his throne.
10:34And someone will have to be Venus unadorned arising from the sea in this giant clam.
10:40There is only one woman in Nuvion who has the right qualities to act the part of Venus.
10:47Oh, I'm sorry, but unadorned I would have nowhere to hide a gun.
10:52I meant Madame Hedy.
10:54Oh, thank you, Monsieur Alphonse. I accept.
10:56Of course, I shall have a piece of cheesecloth modestly draped.
11:03But Edith, Venus was the goddess of beauty.
11:08I know.
11:09And when I arise almost unadorned from the clamshell,
11:14it will take the spectator's breath away.
11:17The mere thought makes my chick go all dicky.
11:22Madame Edith, would you like to try the shelfer size now?
11:24Of course, sir.
11:25Excuse me.
11:29Monsieur, would you give me a hand?
11:31Oh, right.
11:31The spring mechanism seems to have rusted.
11:34I can't.
11:35I can't.
11:35I can't.
11:37My darling, my darling, my darling, Edith, let us see if you fit it.
11:41Oh.
11:43It is just like the ones we serve.
11:46Only bigger.
11:49Oh, no.
11:52Look.
11:54I'll go and get a tire levers!
11:56Help!
11:57Hang on, Venus!
12:05The forgery is going nicely.
12:07I must say, Helga, you're very convincing as the foreign Madonna.
12:11Have you done it before?
12:12No, General.
12:13But I did once play the Virgin Mary in a school nativity play.
12:17Somehow I don't think that it would have been quite so convincing.
12:20A touch more pink there, Monsieur Leclerc.
12:24The face and dress are very realistic.
12:27But what's that big blank space in the middle?
12:30I don't wish to discomfort Private Gerhardt any more than is necessary.
12:34She will uncover for a short time only for the painting of the boobies.
12:39Thank you, General.
12:40It is rather embarrassing with you all watching.
12:42Do not worry, Helga.
12:43We are not the slightest bit interested in the painting of privates.
12:49I am ready now to do the boobies.
12:52Very well.
13:00You may uncover yourself briefly.
13:03Perhaps you would all turn away for a moment.
13:09All except the forger.
13:18Let us know if you need another look.
13:20I think one was enough.
13:28This is the missing left boobie from the painting of the fallen Madonna.
13:32We must cash it in to escape to South America.
13:35We will not go far on one boobie, Herr Fleek.
13:37The two waitresses from the cafe ply their trade as ladies of the night underneath the landpost in the square.
13:45We will kidnap them and steal their clothes.
13:48Then, using one of their keys, we will gain entry to the cafe and search it.
13:54A brilliant plan, Herr Fleek.
13:56A long one, but brilliant.
13:58We will try on some suitable wigs.
14:04I will be the tall brunette with the good legs.
14:09You can be the short one with the big bum.
14:15Do I look like a tart?
14:18No.
14:19More the result of a mating between a yeti and a chihuahua.
14:25Now, this is the Mark Van prototype of the frame that will be around the portrait of the fallen Madonna
14:30when we deliver it to the Fuhrer.
14:31Looks very authentic, General.
14:34Our scientists are, at this very moment, working on a foolproof way of detonating the frame.
14:39Naturally, they know nothing of our intentions.
14:41But for the purposes of this test, I will use a simple radio beam to blow the explosives.
14:48Are you sure it is safe to do this here, General?
14:51We do not want to blow up the whole chateau.
14:53Oh, relax, relax.
14:55The scientists assure me that the explosion will be localized.
14:59The dummy of Hitler will be blown to pieces, but everything else in the room will be left untouched.
15:05Stand by.
15:08Goodbye, Adolf.
15:20Hello there.
15:22My.
15:23Aren't you a cute one?
15:25Our kind.
15:26I have no money, but I am young and good-looking.
15:30I too have no money, and I am young and better-looking.
15:34So buzz off!
15:37Oh, the nerve of some people.
15:40Anyone would think we look cheap.
15:48Good evening.
15:50Tarts.
15:52A flick.
15:53This is a surprise.
15:57How would you like a good time with a couple of debonair curb crawlers about town?
16:03Certainly.
16:04Where are they?
16:06I was referring to Von Smallhausen and myself.
16:09Have you money?
16:11Pots of it.
16:14Get into the car.
16:15I will go in the back of the car.
16:17So I've heard.
16:18You can't.
16:20You can have Von Smallhausen.
16:21He is more your size.
16:25WTF?
16:27WTF?
16:28WTF?
16:42WTF?
16:44WTF?
16:44WTF?
16:44WTF?
16:45WTF?
16:45WTF?
16:45WTF?
16:46WTF?
16:46WTF?
16:47WTF?
16:48WTF?
16:48WTF?
16:58This is a strange place to bring us to.
17:00Is it your secret headquarters, eh, Flick?
17:03You will soon find out.
17:04Open the door, von Smallhausen.
17:16Come inside, my dears.
17:18We have a little surprise for you.
17:25In our line of business, most surprise is a little.
17:31Any more Peter Lorre impersonations
17:34and you will find yourself working in the Gestapo Het factory.
17:49Take off your clothes.
17:50What, here?
17:52Of course.
17:53Is there nowhere more private like a tool cabinet?
17:56This will do.
17:57Begin the undressing.
17:59First, you must produce the necessary.
18:01What?
18:02Some money, von Smallhausen.
18:05Yes, of course.
18:13I've never done it in a garage before.
18:16No.
18:17Oh, we could get very dirty in the air.
18:28What kept you so long, Renée?
18:30I have got through ten chapters of War and Peace waiting for you to come to bed.
18:35I was just making myself a little snack.
18:38Garlic sausage and pickled cucumbers.
18:40Oh, it's been such ages since we had any time together.
18:45Hmm?
18:46I am a passionate woman, Renée.
18:48I have appetites that need to be satisfied.
18:51Here, have a pickled cucumber.
18:54Sometimes you seem so distant.
18:58Take me in your arms, Renée.
19:00Kiss me.
19:01Cuddle me.
19:02I have just finished my garlic sausage.
19:06Come on.
19:09Now.
19:13What is the matter, Edith?
19:15Nothing.
19:16I just seem to have gone off the boil.
19:21And I have just got up steam.
19:24Oh, well.
19:25Perhaps another night.
19:26Hmm?
19:33Are you all right?
19:34Oh, quickly.
19:35Untie my hands.
19:36We must get back to the cafe.
19:38They even stole our handbags.
19:40We have been playing for supper.
19:42Oh, when Airflick said he wanted to tie us up in our underwear,
19:45I did not think he had this in mind.
19:48I did not think he had this in mind.
20:14The door is locked, Airflick.
20:16Check your handbag.
20:18Those girls must have a key somewhere.
20:22Hurry.
20:23These heels are killing me.
20:25I have the key, Airflick.
20:27And I have the torch from the car.
20:29Now, let us go inside and begin our search for the painting.
20:41Lock the door, one small houseman.
20:43Yes, Airflick.
20:47And produce your torch.
20:49Yes, Airflick.
20:53We will look upstairs first.
20:58If you have any problems, flash me.
21:03With your torch, Thunderhead.
21:15I will take the front.
21:17You search the back.
21:19Okay.
21:20Okay.
21:40Somebody is coming.
21:41We must hide.
21:43Quickly.
21:51No way, Airflick.
21:53Oh, no.
21:55Not another spasm.
21:58I must see if he is all right.
22:03Now for Yvette.
22:09I am here, my darling.
22:18Ow.
22:23Willy.
22:24You faithless swain.
22:26What are you doing in that broom cupboard with that tart?
22:29You stupid woman.
22:32Can you not see that this is Airflick of the Gestapo?
22:36What?
22:37Sir, please.
22:38Oh, I am sorry, Airflick.
22:40But I did not recognize you in a skirt and tishtenet stockings.
22:44Well, you should have.
22:46So should you.
22:48What were you doing in the broom cupboard with him?
22:51Really, Edith?
22:52Is that not obvious?
22:53No.
22:54Well, it is like this, you see.
22:57Yes.
22:59Well, I was, I was in bed trying to get off to sleep next to you, my darling, when I
23:03heard
23:03a noise on the landing, thinking that it might be burglars.
23:06I came out to apprehend them and happened to find Airflick in the broom cupboard disguised
23:11as a tart.
23:12Do you expect me to believe that explanation?
23:15Any other explanation would be unthinkable.
23:18Silence, peasants.
23:20Von Smallhausen?
23:22Yes, Airflick.
23:24You may come out now.
23:26Airflick, may I ask what is going on?
23:29No.
23:29May I ask?
23:30Shut up, Von Smallhausen.
23:33You will find the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies for me, or you will be shot.
23:38Do you understand?
23:39Yes, Airflick.
23:41Otherwise, I shall be in every cupboard you open until I find it myself.
23:45Come, Von Smallhausen.
23:48Oh, it is locked.
23:50How are we going to get inside?
23:54Look, the window to Ruelly and Madame Meadis' room is open.
23:58I will climb in and come down and open the door.
24:00Give me a leg up.
24:08Oh, René, I think I will go and get a glass of water before we go back to bed.
24:13Yes, do that, dearest.
24:15I still feel very shaky.
24:16It was a shock to find you in that room cupboard with Airflick.
24:19It came as something of a surprise to me, isn't it?
24:28Yvette?
24:28My God, what are you doing here?
24:31Why are you dressed as a car mechanic?
24:33Oh, René, I've had a terrible night.
24:35Hold me.
24:37Are you mad?
24:38Yvette will be back here any moment.
24:40What is there now?
24:41Quick, you must hide.
24:42Here, quick, we'll get in the wardrobe.
24:44Oh, get away.
24:46I'm so sorry I missed our rendezvous in the broom cupboard.
24:49Yes, so am I.
24:50No, no, please.
24:51No, no, no.
24:52Oh, no.
24:54Just get inside, please.
24:56God's sake.
24:57Oh, my God.
24:59I'm still eating.
24:59It will kill me.
25:00René.
25:01Oh, no.
25:06René, I...
25:08Now, where has he gone?
25:11I see it all now.
25:13He has sneaked out for an illicit, very stupid someone.
25:17Oh, the villain.
25:19I will catch him this time.
25:21I will get to rest and follow him.
25:25Ah, René, what are you doing in the wardrobe with that staring girl with lipstick all over
25:31your face?
25:32And why is she dressed as a car mechanic?
25:36You stupid woman.
25:38That is the second time tonight you have done this.
25:41And what explanation have you got?
25:43I am not made of explanations.
25:45In a marriage, there must be some trust.
25:51He is right.
25:53I am overreacting.
25:55I must be calm and think things out.
26:00I have thought things out.
26:10You're awful.
26:13Oh, no.
26:15Ah!