- 2 days ago
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00:04At last, everything is back to normal here in Nouvien, or as normal as possible.
00:08I and my wife Edith have returned safely from our trip to London,
00:12where we had fled to avoid being shot by the Communist resistance who were cross
00:16that I was to be given a collaboration medal by the Germans.
00:20Fortunately for us, the Germans decided not to give me the medal,
00:23so my life is not in danger.
00:25I did not enjoy my short time in England.
00:28And I still have indigestion from the terrible food,
00:31plus several pairs of wife rants from the Marks and Spencer,
00:35which I soon found are a size too small.
00:39But then I should not be surprised.
00:41My wife chose them and she has always underestimated my requirements.
00:48Oh, René, I have not yet had a proper chance to welcome you back.
00:52This would be a good moment.
00:54Oh, René.
00:57I was so worried about you on your dangerous trip to England.
01:00I look into your eyes and I see how much you have suffered from the journey.
01:05It was travelling in those tight wife rants.
01:07But I am recovering.
01:09Oh, René.
01:10My love for you is like a fever.
01:12Can you not feel? I've gone limp all over.
01:15I hope it is nothing contagious.
01:19René!
01:21What are you doing holding that seventh girl in your arms?
01:24You stupid woman.
01:27Can you not see this poor child is suffering from delayed shock?
01:30She thought she had lost you forever.
01:33Me?
01:33Yes, you.
01:34You are like a mother to her.
01:36She muddles herself on you.
01:38If she had stringier hair, she would do it like yours.
01:42And now you are back, she is overcome with emotion and relief.
01:46Oh, this is true.
01:48Oh, how thoughtless I am.
01:51Go up and lie down on my bed and put a drop of my cologne on your brow.
01:55Oh, thank you, Mama.
01:56Oh, I mean, Madam Edis.
01:59Oh, René, forgive me.
02:01I am not myself today.
02:03My bunion is giving me jip.
02:06It always happens when I am under a strain.
02:09Oh, René.
02:10Old me.
02:15Obrolia for a hug.
02:17Come on.
02:20René, I have good news.
02:22Officer Crabtree has found the British Airmen.
02:24They were hiding in a pigsty.
02:26What about the smell?
02:28I expect the pigs got used to it.
02:31Listen very carefully.
02:32I shall say this only once.
02:34We have a new plan to get the British Airmen back to England.
02:36Oh, not another one.
02:38We are going to build a raft for them to sail across the channel.
02:41For a raft, you need the trunks of trees.
02:43The woods are out of bounds.
02:44And anyone seen walking around with a chopper over his shoulder would around.
02:49This is true.
02:50We shall not go to the woods.
02:52Of course, already my resistance girls have thorn halfway through six telegraph poles.
02:56When it is dark, we will go out and pull them down and build a raft.
02:59And coincidentally, severely damage German communication lines.
03:03Oh, I have a twinge in my bunion.
03:06Her bunion does not like this plan.
03:10Good morning.
03:12I thought you were bringing the British Airmen.
03:14I am chocking to see if the kist is claw.
03:19I see that we are a loon.
03:21You have not left them in the open outside my cafe, have you?
03:24Do not weary, Ronnie.
03:26I have brute them from the poxty in a wooden coat pulled by a dinky.
03:32Wooden cart.
03:34Donkey.
03:34I got that.
03:36They are disguised as socks of patutos.
03:39Oh, that is a good disguise.
03:41We always need patutos.
03:44Potatoes.
03:45Get them in.
03:47Come in here, chaps.
03:52I meant carry them in.
03:54Sacks of potatoes do not usually stroll in here to be peeled.
03:58Come in here.
04:01They still have a lot of poxty on them.
04:04But they cannot stay here in that condition.
04:06Look at the mess they are making.
04:07Ask the girls to boil some water and get the strongest disinfectant they can find.
04:11To wash the floor?
04:12No, to wash the airmen.
04:14What are they going on about?
04:15I have no idea.
04:16They are going to give you a bath, chaps, to get all that piggy stuff off.
04:19Oh, splendid.
04:20Bad side of the end without the taps.
04:22You have to be quick.
04:34I have to come here.
04:38Can you hear me?
04:45Ah, Helga.
04:46It was not very clever of you to choose the mating call of a wild goose in your secret message
04:52to me to signal your arrival.
04:55Wild geese have been mating all day.
04:57Our knees are raw from scrabbling up this rough monastery wall.
05:02Forgive me, Herr Flick.
05:03I didn't know it was the mating season.
05:05Next time, consult your girl guide diary.
05:09Come, von Smallhausen.
05:11We must leave this monastic existence behind.
05:14Do you want a hand, Herr Flick?
05:16No.
05:17Avert your eyes.
05:21Vick.
05:22Where is the getaway vehicle?
05:24I could not get a car, so I brought this instead.
05:28This is most unsatisfactory.
05:31The Gestapo are not used to escaping on a three-wheel tandem.
05:35We will be the laughingstock of the whole German army.
05:38Oh, Herr Flick.
05:39What terrible hardship you must have suffered in there.
05:42We have suffered many deprivations.
05:45We were only allowed to keep our bare necessities.
05:47We nearly lost those a couple of times.
05:51That was because of your poor needlework.
05:54Go and sit on the tricycle.
05:58May I welcome you back with a kiss?
06:01Very well.
06:02But make it a quick one.
06:03We may be missed.
06:04We are playing hooky from jam making.
06:10Oh, Shane!
06:11What infamy!
06:12A member of a holy order consorting with a woman.
06:15You will be scourged for this brother Otto.
06:17Oh, not so scourging.
06:20Do I get a bit, Tiesicle?
06:21And quickly.
06:23Come back, you sinners!
06:25You must be punished for this!
06:27Not on your nelly!
06:33If we soak much longer in here, I'm going to shrivel up.
06:36Have you seen the soap?
06:38I was here a second ago.
06:39If you hadn't insisted in putting baking powder in to make some bubbles,
06:43we'd be able to see it.
06:44Ah, what's it?
06:46I didn't think so, old chap.
06:51What have I got, then?
06:54Help!
06:55The looper!
06:59Not very private in here, is it?
07:01It'd be a lot less private without this baking powder.
07:04Wendley has given me orders to get you clean.
07:07Here.
07:08I hear the English ape to take a bath.
07:10You take the one with the spotty back,
07:12and I'll take the one with the boil on his bum.
07:15What did you say?
07:17I think they better scrub the floor.
07:19Only time to do it.
07:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:20Ah, ah, I think they better off with the pink stye car says.
07:25I don't know.
07:28Look at this poster I found displayed in the main square, Colonel.
07:31It's an absolute disgrace.
07:33Yes, the writing is rather bad.
07:35Quite indistinct in places.
07:37I'm not talking about the handwriting.
07:38Look at the content.
07:44There she is.
07:45These are my tank-driving spectacles.
07:49You better read it, Cribbon.
07:50Just a moment while I make a note.
07:52Colonel, to retake tank-driving test as soon as possible.
07:56Carry on, Gruber.
07:57The resistance calls on all loyal citizens to hamper the efforts of the accursed Bosch.
08:02Ha, ha, ha.
08:05And make the life of the occupying army in Nuvion as uncomfortable as possible.
08:10What cheek?
08:11Suggestions.
08:13Put itching powder in their washing, water in their petrol, garlic in their strudel, and
08:19tin tacks on the roads.
08:20And whenever possible, drop a brick on their heads.
08:25I thought they ought to love me.
08:27Comrades, we must show that fat pig of a colonel.
08:32Excuse me, colonel, but I'm only reading what it says.
08:35Continue.
08:37And that poncing little tank-driving twit of a sidekick.
08:43Whoever that may be.
08:45It's a you.
08:46There are lots of tanks.
08:47We'd only stop arguing.
08:50And finally, we must also show that over-meddled Italian chicken that we mean business.
08:55That means you.
08:57Look, I am a seething with anger.
08:59See my mustache?
09:00It abrisos.
09:01Every medallion on my chest was one with a bravery.
09:03Have you finished?
09:04No.
09:05I stomp on my foot.
09:07It hurt my leg.
09:10This rubbish clearly undermines the efforts of the occupying forces.
09:13There is even a scurrilous cartoon of me on the reverse side.
09:17Hee hee.
09:21I think a mistake in general is a lady in suspenders with a spiked helmet.
09:26The caption reads the caption.
09:34It's outrageous.
09:38Did you wish to say something, Captain Berterelli?
09:41No.
09:41Then stay up!
09:43We must beat the resistance at their own game.
09:48We shall revive the local newspaper that will be closed at the beginning of the occupation
09:51and use it for our own propaganda purposes.
09:55Excellent idea, General.
09:56Ah, but it must not be too obviously propaganda.
09:59We need a Frenchman to edit the paper.
10:02That will give it credence in the eyes of the villagers.
10:05Another good idea.
10:07Any suggestions?
10:09Well, there's René from the cafe.
10:11Ah, the fellow who almost got the collaboration medal.
10:15Hmm, excellent, Goober.
10:17Do you have his confidence?
10:19We do hob-nob from time to time.
10:23Really?
10:24Hmm.
10:24Contact him immediately.
10:25I'll hit up!
10:26I'll hit up!
10:26I'm Mussolini.
10:28Don't miss me.
10:31What did you go for?
10:33It's a wonderful light, yes?
10:36Regarding the poster, anyone caught laughing at it will be shot.
10:41When have you ever seen me in suspenders with a spiked helmet?
10:45I think the last time was at the staff college dance.
10:50Your health and efficiency magazine has just arrived, Peflick.
10:53A special issue with a centerfold pull-out of a Rhyme maiden unadorned.
10:59Shall I pull it out, Herr Fleick?
11:01You will pull it out at your peril, von Smallhausen.
11:04Only senior Gestapo officers with iron control are allowed to gaze upon unadorned Rhymeidens.
11:16Extremely average.
11:19There is a mess.
11:21I must telephone for the Rhyme maiden calendar.
11:24She will be bigger in that.
11:27I can hear nothing.
11:28We are severed from the upside world.
11:31That is because we have not paid the bill.
11:34And the petty cash box is empty.
11:36How can this be?
11:37I think you took the last of it to buy that silk underwear for Helga, Herr Fleick.
11:41You were not supposed to know about that.
11:43My lips are sealed, I promise.
11:46We must ring Berlin and ask my godfather, Heinrich Himmler, to send more money immediately.
11:51But how can you ring him if the phone is cut off?
11:55We shall use our special Gestapo phone-tapping equipment in this cupboard and tap into the line outside the village.
12:03You have an answer for everything, Herr Fleick.
12:06Of course.
12:08It was not possibly a good idea to buy Helga that silk underwear, Herr Fleick.
12:14Rayon would have been cheaper.
12:16You said your lips were sealed.
12:18You have broken your promise.
12:20Pass the first aid box.
12:28Compress your mouth.
12:30Step forward.
12:34That will teach you to keep your word.
12:36Do not remove it.
12:37Understand?
12:40I said, do you understand?
12:43Yes, Herr Fleick.
12:45Do not remove it.
12:47Replaster yourself.
12:50That is better.
12:54Now, Remy, those are my orders.
12:57How do you feel about running a newspaper?
13:00Worried, which is not unusual.
13:02Mimi, more wine.
13:04When I was young, I was a reporter on the paper.
13:07I could give him valuable assistance.
13:10Ah, now that is a good idea.
13:11Maybe you should be the editor.
13:12No, no, Remy, it is your job, I insist.
13:16Now, we have to decide what we are going to put in the paper.
13:20Of course, the main story is how we are winning the war.
13:24What a load of cobblers.
13:26I am not familiar with this expression.
13:29She agrees, but with slight reservations.
13:33Now, to be a good editor, one must never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
13:40I never did.
13:41Naturally, there will be an article on members of the garrison to give them a human face.
13:47I have some pictures here, by chance, on my person.
13:51Oh.
13:52This is me before the war.
13:54Oh, what a pretty little boy.
13:57And what smart eye-king shot.
14:00And this is my father.
14:01He was very keen on camping.
14:05Well, you certainly take after him.
14:08Then, when I was older, I became an apprentice window dresser.
14:13This is my first window.
14:16Ah, how appropriate.
14:18Camping equipment.
14:20Then the war came, and suddenly I was on the Russian front.
14:24In the snow, camping.
14:27What a varied life you have led.
14:29Yes, indeed.
14:30Well, I will make sure that you get a nice write-up, Lieutenant.
14:33I knew that I could rely on you.
14:36Now, General von Klinkhofen insists that we show how happy the French are under German rule.
14:44Any suggestions?
14:45We could take a photo of you and René socializing.
14:48I cannot put myself in the paper.
14:51How about a photograph of Nouvion's happiest married couple?
14:55But René does not want to be in the paper.
14:59I was referring to Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc, our happiest honeymooners.
15:04Oh, what a wonderful idea.
15:06Mama would be delighted to be in the news.
15:09I will go upstairs and make her beautiful.
15:11We cannot hold the front page forever, Edie.
15:16Now that we three men are alone,
15:18should we not perhaps discuss the question of a lightly clad young lady between pages two?
15:25and four?
15:28What purpose would that serve?
15:31When I was a young reporter known as Fleshbulb Alphonse,
15:36it was customary to have a photograph of a beautiful young lady in the paper
15:40to keep interest going.
15:42Not in the papers I read.
15:45I have here a few photographs of previous beauty queens of Nouvion.
15:55They still have their original captions.
16:00Miss Top of the Milk, 1918.
16:04The Nouvion fireman's daughter who sends temperatures soaring.
16:08She appears to be a dab hand with a nose pipe.
16:12You cannot put pictures like this in the paper, Monsieur Alphonse.
16:15Apart from which, by now the milk will have curdled.
16:18I think, Lieutenant, that if we are going to have pictures,
16:20it should be the Nouvion couple and the Colonel on page three.
16:23As always, René, you have impeccable taste.
16:27I feel the integrity of this newspaper is assured with your hand on the tiller.
16:34Thank you, Lieutenant.
16:35I must go and tell the Colonel about progress.
16:40These propaganda pamphlets will give you a good idea of how the war is going.
16:45As you said, Lieutenant, we must not let facts get in the way of a good story.
16:52Psst! René, I must have a word with you.
16:56What?
16:57I have heard that the Germans have reopened the local newspaper with you as editor.
17:00When did you wear this?
17:02When I was standing behind the door.
17:04Well, this is true, but Lieutenant Gruber is really in charge.
17:07But it was so clever of you to agree to help.
17:10Now that the presses are about to roll,
17:12we can use them to print a secret underground newspaper for the resistance,
17:16calling on all fronts to stand up to the aggressors.
17:18Are you mad?
17:19You will get us all shot.
17:20Monsieur, you are in great danger of receiving the white feather.
17:25Send as many as you like.
17:26My pillow can always use them.
17:28Look, I would like to help,
17:30but I cannot endanger the woman I love.
17:32Not to mention his wife.
17:34If you do not help us,
17:36I will put a poster in the town square saying you are a collaborator.
17:39When do I start?
17:41As soon as I can get my girls together.
17:43Oh.
17:44So, this is what you men get up to when you are alone.
17:47Oh, no.
17:48They are just old pin-ups.
17:50That's disgusting.
17:52I have much better legs than any of them.
17:54Well, we will take your word for that.
17:56You do not have to.
17:57Now look very carefully.
17:58I shall show these only once.
18:05Oh, my giddy tickle.
18:08Now look what you have done.
18:10Huh?
18:12Are you trying to say you want your pills?
18:15No.
18:16My camera.
18:23I hope I will put a stocking over the lens
18:26to make Ernest look a bit younger.
18:29I do not want to be for you to think
18:31I am married to an old man.
18:33Oh, Monsieur Alfonso made you look young and radiant, Mama.
18:37A remarkable camera indeed.
18:41Oh, madame.
18:42I would like you and Monsieur Leclerc
18:47arms entwined,
18:48sitting at the table,
18:49having a drink.
18:52Where is the drink?
18:55On the table.
18:56Quick, come on, hurry up,
18:57before the sun goes in.
19:02Well, I'm corkied.
19:05The champagne is only for show.
19:06I am not opening an old bottle for two drinks.
19:10No planque, no picture.
19:17Ah, good morning, Renny.
19:20Good morning, good morning.
19:22What a charming couple they make.
19:25You can see the affection in their eyes.
19:28Oh, well, hey.
19:29Does this not remind you of our honeymoon?
19:32Well, you did look a bit younger.
19:34Well, you only sit.
19:36I think next to Madam Fanny.
19:39Okay.
19:42Excellent.
19:43Make a very good photograph.
19:45General von Kriegerhofen will be pleased.
19:47It is.
19:49Why is this fat crowd sitting at our table?
19:53Mama, we are taking a picture of the colonel,
19:55enjoying a drink with the happiest honeymoon couple in Nuvial.
19:59It is for the paper.
20:00I do not drink, Mr. Chairman's.
20:03I spit on them.
20:06That went on my tie, you silly old bat.
20:10You won't catch me, you dodder of the face.
20:13I have not glued down my hair and dressed in this natty style to be insulted by a woman nearly
20:19old enough to be my mother.
20:21Oh, sir, what kind of husband are you?
20:24I am the kind of husband that demands a divorce.
20:27Good day.
20:27And you can have one.
20:30He did.
20:31The girls, take her back to her room.
20:34Just a typical newlywed stick, Colonel.
20:37In a few months, they will forget all about it.
20:40I think we'll have to look elsewhere for our perfect honeymoon couple, Grieber.
20:44I could have a picture taken with my name, just for my help.
20:48We are not smart enough.
20:50Watch the birdie.
21:03Shut it all, I'm on, click off.
21:07Ah, good. Just the fellows I want to see.
21:11I have decided we must show the human face of the German army.
21:15To this end, we will be photographed, relaxing and enjoying a healthy outdoor life with the peasants.
21:22What exactly did you have in mind, General?
21:24An informal picnic in the countryside, captured on film with the pretty girls from the village joking and laughing at
21:31our witty remarks.
21:33What fun.
21:35But first, to prove how fit the master race is, there will be a 10-kilometer hike for all officers
21:40below the rank of General.
21:42You peasants will organize the food and the drink and your two pretty waitresses.
21:47Thank you, General.
21:48Oh, by the way, who is paying for this jolly picnic?
21:51The Germans will pay, of course.
21:53We will present your bill after we have eaten.
21:56General, how long do we have to get fit for this hike?
22:00Until three o'clock this afternoon.
22:05After this hike, we won't need profiles in the press.
22:08We'll need a picture race.
22:12Faster!
22:13All out of condition.
22:14Except for me.
22:27Pull it over there, Herrscher.
22:28Why's that opening?
22:35Hey, look at me.
22:37I'm as fit as a flea.
22:38In that case, you can run around that big field five times backwards.
22:43You can run as hiker to hiker.
22:46You will have the picnic and the photographs by the big haystack in the next field.
22:50Follow me.
22:56Why do I have to go first, Herr Flick?
22:59Because you are a junior member of the Gestapo.
23:02If anything untoward happens, you are expendable.
23:05How do I get up, Herr?
23:08It is very high.
23:10You move the leather strap up the pole and walk up using your special Gestapo telegraph pole climbing boots.
23:18Sometimes you are very simple, von Smallhausen.
23:21When you get to the top, drop the rope and pull me up.
23:25And what if I fall before I get there?
23:27Make sure you do not land on me.
23:29I am not expendable.
23:32It must be a jolly photograph of happy collaboration.
23:36See?
23:36Ah.
23:42Oh.
23:47What a thrill.
23:49Groped by an eye-tie.
23:51Captain Butterfly, control yourself.
23:54You two peasant girls, come sit here by me.
23:56You'll be safer.
23:59I sit down next to you.
24:02Oh, you do it.
24:04Helga.
24:05You come and sit by me.
24:07It looks good to show German officers being friendly with their privates.
24:11The killer is ready, General.
24:13I have brought three plates in case of any error.
24:17Perhaps you could all show a little more leg.
24:20Not you, Gropel.
24:23You two.
24:24Look as though you are serving us.
24:26Oh, yes.
24:26Come on, peasants, enjoy yourselves.
24:28Yes, of course, General.
24:30That's all you can do.
24:36Only there.
24:37Now, let I giggle.
24:39Everybody giggles.
24:45Oh, I am sorry, General.
24:47Here, let me wipe it down.
24:48No, give it to me.
24:50No, no, I will do it.
24:53One plate for the bean.
24:56There, it's done.
24:58Now, everybody back in position.
24:59We cannot afford to waste photographs like this.
25:02When I smile, everybody smiles.
25:05Ready.
25:07Oh, the plate is cooling with ants.
25:10Oh, it's ants.
25:11Oh, it's ants.
25:11Oh, I'm going to have mashed up my shoes.
25:15Oh, stop.
25:16This is not the point of a while.
25:17I won't.
25:18Damn.
25:21Yes.
25:22Please connect me as soon as you can.
25:26Does not feel very safe, but very healthy.
25:29Do not be a ninny, Ivan Smallhausen.
25:32Have you got my number yet?
25:34The operator is connecting me now to Berlin.
25:40Uncle Heini?
25:41Hello.
25:42This is your godson, Otto.
25:45No, I am not in my office.
25:47I am, strangely enough, overlooking a large haystack.
25:52Listen.
25:53We need more.
26:00Mr. Gestapo, hello, in our picnic.
26:03Not to mention the picture.
26:05We'll pay for this, Herr Vick.
26:07You have just made a very bad career move.
26:10It is not our fault.
26:11We have pooped a picnic.
26:13It is tied to his door.
26:16Where do you think you're going?
26:18I'm speaking to you.
26:19This is not our lucky day, Von Smallhausen.
26:22Run after them.
26:23Bring them back.
26:27Should we give them the bill now?
26:29That would not be a good idea.
26:32We will put it on the account.
26:34We will put it on the account.
26:34We will put it on the account.