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00:10You find me dressed up like the dinner of a dog in order to be the best man at the
00:13wedding of
00:14Monsieur Leclerc, the getaway driver, to my wife's mother, the pain in the neck. Thank you for coming.
00:21This whole charade was arranged so that the reception can be held in a marquee at the back
00:25of my cafe. Nice to see you. This marquee conceals, would you believe, a collapsible barrage balloon
00:32waiting to be inflated by 12 cylinders of helio, disguised as prized vegetable marrows from Algeria.
00:40The British airmen are disguised so that no one will recognise them.
00:49Holy good wedding! Hang on!
00:53The bride and the groom have just been signing the register. Here they come now.
01:06Wake up, business! Marrows! Marrows! Who'd like to be Algerian, shall I?
01:12Mama, are you looking forward to your honeymoon?
01:15Mama, I thought this was it.
01:22Oh, is this anywhere to treat the poor old bride?
01:32Liz, over here! Can I have the family against the church wall, please?
01:37What is happening?
01:38Monsieur Alphonse wants you against the church wall, Mama.
01:41What?
01:44Sir, this is customary.
01:55That is good.
01:57Can I have the bridesmaids behind?
02:01Aye!
02:08Can the bridegroom get up?
02:11Can the bridegroom get up?
02:15Mind your own business!
02:22Smile, please!
02:28It's a simple, rural scene.
02:31An everyday story of simple country folk.
02:35And if they do not surrender the airmen, the general will blow them all up.
02:39We could refer the matter to a higher authority, so we do not carry the can.
02:45Quite right, Gruber.
02:47You'll see the general von Flockenstaufen gets the message.
02:52The general von Flockenstaufen.
02:54This is the general who is a bit of this a way, that a way.
02:58That is the one.
03:00The general von Flockenstaufen will give him the message.
03:09Is everybody prepared?
03:12Oh, tight, Ernest.
03:13We are about to hit the cobbles.
03:17Forward!
03:23Good luck!
03:27Good luck, Mama!
03:34We should have had an old boot on the back.
03:37We already have an old boot in the bed.
03:51Who is this?
03:53It is I, von Smallhausen.
03:56Give the password.
03:58I do not know the password.
04:01Then stay in the passage forever.
04:05Abracadabra!
04:13Tip, tip, tip!
04:15Why are you got up in the manor of a boy scout?
04:18In order to enter the general's quarters in the chateau.
04:21It is Bob-a-job week.
04:23Did it work?
04:24Like a dream.
04:25The general first admired my woggle.
04:28And then he told me to clean his medals.
04:31During this, I obtained a map of the position of the mines
04:34with which the general is about to blow up Nouvion.
04:38Well done, von Smallhausen.
04:41Did the general remember the shilling?
04:43I have it here.
04:45Good.
04:45You may contribute it to the home for fallen Gestapo gentlewomen.
04:51Where exactly is this home?
04:53You do not get that information for one shilling.
05:07You will be all right there, Mama.
05:10Why are you cramped here?
05:12Can we not do this canvas, please?
05:13You fool!
05:14That canvas is the barrage balloon.
05:17There is no room for our feet.
05:19That is because under the table are 20 prize-winning vegetable marrows
05:22which contain the helium gas cylinders.
05:25My girls are even now, at this moment, connecting them all up
05:28so that with the turn of one valve, the balloon will inflate in a matter of seconds.
05:35Shhh!
05:37Sorry!
05:39How will the airmen travel?
05:41A basket will be brought in to take in the rubbish after the reception.
05:45This basket will be attached by four ropes to the balloon.
05:50Have you finished?
05:51We have done our best.
05:52All the marrows are connected together.
05:55Unfortunately, some of the connections are imperial
05:57and they should have been Whitworth.
05:59I do not know how well they will hold.
06:06I'm glad that she does all!
06:09Why is she speaking at Donald the duck?
06:12She has nailed the helium gas.
06:14It tightens the vocal cords.
06:16Is it dangerous?
06:18Not if you are amongst friends.
06:21Look, these two are fast asleep.
06:24Can we not abandon this fast and go back into the cafe?
06:28No. The Germans are here.
06:30They will be suspicious if we do not go through with it.
06:32Besides which, I am not going to waste all these sandwiches.
06:39Colonel, come in. Sit down.
06:42How honored we are to have you with us.
06:43This is the first peasant wedding we've attended.
06:46How are the bride and groom?
06:48Oh, looking forward to a good blowout, you know.
06:53It is I, Leclerc.
06:58Benny, we must warn you.
07:00There has been a serious development.
07:01The general has hidden a 500 pound bomb in the sewer under your cafe.
07:06You know, hand the back of the airmen. Your cafe, he go poof!
07:11I will mention this to the resistance.
07:13Who, of course, I do not know.
07:19There is a bomb in the sewer under the cafe.
07:21There is nothing we can do about it now.
07:23What?
07:24Quick, you are the best man. Start the speeches.
07:27What speeches?
07:28It is the custom that you, as best men, introduce the father of the bride.
07:32That would be a good trick.
07:36I have made a few notes.
07:38Get up and say something.
07:45Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wedding.
07:49Thank you all for coming.
07:50I cannot introduce the father of the bride on this occasion because, unfortunately, he lost his life during the storming
07:58of the Bastille.
08:01How old is he?
08:03I'm sorry, I will read that again.
08:04He lost his life in a storm outside the Bastille.
08:09But I am sure that his heart would have been warm today to see his only daughter in bed with
08:16the man that she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with.
08:21So, let us wish them many weeks of happiness.
08:30I now call upon the bridegroom.
08:33Wake him up.
08:36Marrows, marrows.
08:38You'll buy my vegetable marrows.
08:40Shut up.
08:41You have to make a speech.
08:43Hey, what?
08:44Thank the bridesmaids.
08:46Why? What have they done?
08:48Say how beautiful they are.
08:51How beautiful they...
08:53That one has a moustache.
08:58Cut the cake.
09:08René, I have just been down to the cellar to get some wine, and there was a big bomb down
09:12there.
09:13The colonel told me it was in the sewer.
09:15Well, it is in the cellar.
09:17We will come and investigate as soon as they have cut the cake.
09:20Give me some knife.
09:22Funny.
09:23Don't cut too deep.
09:31The cylinders are leaking.
09:33Quick, get under the table and I'll try to stop it.
09:36Play some music.
09:37Monsieur Alphonse, the wedding song.
09:45Oh, how they danced.
09:48On the night they were wet.
09:53They danced, then they danced.
09:56Though they both were in bed.
10:00The world was in bloom.
10:04There was stars in the sun.
10:08The sun was a beautiful day.
10:12A black success sceneija.
10:16You are
10:17a king! A black
10:22mess or the living world. In a
10:26bear, let us know the Tiger. My father
10:28in my uncle. According to
10:36your map, van Smallhausen. One of
10:38the explosive devices should be just about here.
10:41I think I have found it, Herr Flick.
10:43My, my, what a whopper.
10:45It must be half a ton.
10:47It is in Mark 9 mine.
10:49It is in the Gestapo handbook on the diffusing of explosives.
10:53Now, behind the panel is the detonator.
10:56To make the mine safe, first we move the panel.
11:03Something is ticking.
11:05There's some writing on the back of the panel, Herr Flick.
11:09What does it say?
11:10The opening of this door activates the timing mechanism.
11:17Disconnection procedure must be carried out for a bit.
11:20Turn to the chapter headed Disconnection Procedure.
11:23Mark 9 mine.
11:25Ah, here's a map of the circuit.
11:29It is headed Three Minute Fuse.
11:33Does this minute will explode in three minutes, Herr Flick?
11:36Quite possibly.
11:37You will follow the instructions to the letter.
11:40You will announce each move that you make on this microphone.
11:43I will listen to you and take notes from my position in the street.
11:49Should you make an error, I will be able to learn from your mistake.
11:59My God, look at the size of it.
12:02It is a big one.
12:05One ear and one in the sewer.
12:06Oh, well, that settles it, Edith.
12:08This has gone far enough.
12:09I am going to give the airmen up.
12:10I think you are right, René.
12:12I will tell the colonel where he can find them.
12:13No.
12:14It must never be known that you have betrayed them.
12:16It would tarnish your reputation as hero of the resistance.
12:19You must make an anonymous telephone call.
12:22Yes, you are right.
12:23Look, you go back to the wedding before you are missed.
12:25I will make the call.
12:26Go out the back way.
12:38Oh, hello, Claudette.
12:39Get me the office of General von Klinkerofen, will you?
12:46Hello.
12:46Is that the office of General von Klinkerofen?
12:50This is an anonymous peasant.
12:52Put down that phone.
12:54This is an anonymous peasant who has got the wrong number.
12:59Louise!
13:00René!
13:00What are you doing here?
13:02I am now in charge of the Communist Resistance,
13:04Abbeville Sub-Branch Action Division.
13:06We've heard of the threat to blow up your town,
13:08and we have come to save you.
13:10Could you put that gun down for a start?
13:14Oh, René.
13:15Oh, Louise.
13:16Oh, it is good to see you again.
13:19Oh, it is good to feel your strong cheek against my strong cheek.
13:23Oh, and your strong arms around my strong arms.
13:27Run your strong fingers through my strong air.
13:34I would ask you to do the same thing,
13:35but the last time you were here, you wore it out.
13:38Oh, René.
13:39Oh, well, I remember it all.
13:41Oh, it seems like yesterday.
13:43Feeding you ham sandwiches in the wardrobe.
13:45Hiding from the Germans.
13:46And the wife.
13:48René,
13:49here by the General von Klinkerhofen is going to blow up Nouvien.
13:52We have a plan, so you need not worry.
13:54Well, I am a little bit worried.
13:55There is a bomb in the sewer under the cafe
13:57and a 500-pound bomb in the cellar just under our feet.
14:00Well, the one in the cellar was put there by my people.
14:02What on earth for?
14:03I cannot tell you, but it is all part of the plan.
14:06Excuse me, I must make a phone call.
14:09What are you doing?
14:10I am ringing the insurance company to double my cover.
14:14Do that later.
14:15Get the colonel in the air.
14:22I have removed the detonator,
14:24so it cannot set off the main charge.
14:27I will now render the detonator harmless.
14:30How much time do I have?
14:3225 seconds.
14:34Not very much, Herr Fleek.
14:35It is surprising how time passes
14:38when you are not enjoying yourself.
14:40I will count for you.
14:4216?
14:4315?
14:4514?
14:51It would seem that my watch is slow.
14:59Is he coming?
15:00Yes, but look, Louise,
15:01I do not like the way you are involving me
15:03in all this skullduggery.
15:04I am just a simple coward
15:06who wishes to lead a quiet life.
15:08Here I am coming.
15:14René,
15:15I have had a message
15:16that you are required to see me urgently.
15:18Have you decided to tell me
15:20the whereabouts of the British airman?
15:22Well, yes and no.
15:24Put up your hands!
15:26René,
15:27you have betrayed me.
15:28Well, it was at gunpoint, Colonel.
15:30I do not know these people.
15:31Get your fat hands above your bald head.
15:36I do not know who they are,
15:37but they are very rude.
15:39Somebody is coming.
15:41What?
15:41I don't know.
15:45Quick,
15:46a large cognac.
15:52Two,
15:52two large cognacs.
15:54get your hands,
15:55two large cognac.
15:57troubles never come singly.
16:00So,
16:00René Artois,
16:02you are revealed at last
16:03in your two colours
16:04as a worker
16:04for the resistance.
16:06Oh, no,
16:06I was just going about my business
16:08when all these girls
16:09burst in brandishing guns.
16:11Then why are you
16:11not holding up your hands?
16:13I'm getting you a cognac.
16:15Can I get you a cognac
16:16with the men's in there?
16:18Enough of all this.
16:19Get through that door.
16:24Where are they taking us?
16:26To the cellar.
16:27If it has anything to do with the blowing up of Nuvion,
16:29it was not my idea.
16:32You come with us, René.
16:39It is a real mystery.
16:42The colonel said it would only be a couple of minutes.
16:44That was an hour ago.
16:47General von Flockenstaufen is here.
16:49Oh, dear.
16:50What are we going to do?
16:51You'd better show him in.
16:53General von Flockenstaufen!
16:58Heil Hitler!
16:59Heil Hitler!
17:00Heil Mussolini!
17:03That will be the day.
17:06Gruber!
17:07How nice to see you again.
17:09Where's the colonel?
17:11He is missing.
17:12Didn't he know I was here?
17:13Yes, General.
17:15Well, he should be here.
17:16I am very important.
17:18Now, between me and you, Hubert,
17:20I hear disturbing things about Klinkerhofen.
17:26Is he serious in his intention to blow up the town?
17:28He is very earnest.
17:30He has been this way
17:31since the bar in the about of the escape of the British airmen.
17:34He said he would depress the plunger personally.
17:38Oh, dear me, dear me.
17:40Even at Junior Staff College, he was a bit of a hothead.
17:43Whenever we had a fancy-dressed ball, he always came dressed as Attila the Hun.
17:48We always used to go dressed as nuns and schoolgirls.
17:53Those were the days.
17:58In Italian Staff College, we went dressed as the men.
18:03You could have fooled me in that hat.
18:07Excuse me.
18:08Renny Artois is outside.
18:10He says he has news of the colonel.
18:12He says he was brought here at gunpoint by the resistance under rather trying circumstances.
18:17Who is this Renny Artois?
18:18A friendly peasant.
18:19We'll show him in.
18:21Come in here!
18:29Yes, he does look rather friendly.
18:32How long has he had the hernia?
18:37Renny, you have news of the colonel?
18:39Oh, it is terrible.
18:40He has been abducted by the communist resistance, who I do not know.
18:44Who did not know it was the communist resistance?
18:46Well, they gave me this message on their edited notepaper.
18:56Colonel von Ström is being held as a hostage together with Herr Flick and Herr von Schmolhausen of the Gestapo.
19:03They have been placed next to a 500-pound bomb.
19:06If you proceed with the plan to blow up the town, they also will be blown up, yours faithfully.
19:11These are communists, they stop out of nothing, eh?
19:13Did you recognize their faces?
19:15Oh, they were rough peasant women, not our sort at all.
19:19Where have they taken them?
19:20Oh, I do not know.
19:21They did not tell me anything because I do not know them.
19:23And what is more, they blindfolded me and took away my trousers.
19:27They could be anywhere.
19:28What are we going to do?
19:29Well, this is Piggy's area.
19:32I seem to be better send for him and see what he has to say.
19:34Excuse me, what about this lock?
19:37I could always shoot it off.
19:40I could try my keys.
19:49I will settle for the bullet.
20:00Can anyone wriggle anything free?
20:04Nothing that would be of any use to us.
20:08Can you not release the secret Gestapo cutting tool from the false heel of your Gestapo boot?
20:14They are at the Mendo's.
20:16They'll be back on Thursday.
20:19This is all the fault of your stupid, piggy-faced general.
20:23Next time I see him, I will tell him what you said.
20:26Sneak!
20:28With my keen eye, I have spotted wires running from the clock.
20:32My analytical mind tells me that if we interfere with the movement of the hand,
20:36we will prevent the detonation.
20:39I have managed to undo a knot.
20:41I think I could hop over there.
20:43Get on with it!
20:54It's no good.
20:55I cannot reach high enough.
20:56Stop the big hand with your nose.
21:00I have to stand on tip-toes.
21:03Not very comfortable.
21:05Never mind.
21:06It's only for 24 hours.
21:14General von Klinkhofen!
21:20Hello, piggy.
21:22Von Vlockenstappen, what brings you to my headquarters?
21:25Well, we hear you're having a little run-in with the resistance.
21:28No problem.
21:29If they do not produce the airmen,
21:31I am going to press this plunger,
21:33which will blow up the town.
21:34Isn't that a little severe?
21:36My patience has been tried to the limit.
21:39We must show these froggy upstarts who are the masters.
21:42We must teach them a lesson they will not forgive.
21:45General,
21:46in your absence,
21:48the colonel has been abducted
21:50and is at this very moment
21:51sitting on a bomb with Herr Flick
21:53and his little assistant, Franz Schmolhausen.
21:56The resistance sent us a note saying that
21:58if you proceed with your plan,
22:00they will explode, all three of them.
22:01What is the life of one colonel
22:04and a couple of Gestapo officers
22:05compared to keeping law and order
22:07and subjugating these terrorists
22:08that call themselves resistance?
22:10The victorious German army
22:12has swept across Europe,
22:13crushing everything in its part.
22:17Are we to allow these people
22:19to cock snookses at us?
22:22And if the price of final victory
22:25is the life of a colonel
22:26and the couple of Gestapo officers don't eat!
22:32Yes.
22:33Piggy, old boy,
22:35when was the last time you had a holiday?
22:39Pardon, pardon, 38.
22:40You were both there.
22:42We went to a fancy dress ball
22:43at the barns.
22:44I went to the tiller's home.
22:47Get me the military hospital.
22:50Fruitcake department.
22:59Ah, they are still asleep.
23:01Oh, leave them there.
23:02We can take them up to their room later.
23:10Oh, René,
23:11I am so glad you are safe.
23:13Did you deliver the note?
23:14Yes, yes, they have it.
23:15Now, can I please have my trousers?
23:17They will not be blowing up the town
23:19while we have the hostages.
23:26The animal must go
23:27as soon as it is dark.
23:29Where is the basket?
23:30Officer Crabtree is supervising it.
23:32Here is the biscuit.
23:40We're not going back to England
23:41dressed like this, are we?
23:43Helmet and goggles are in the basket.
23:47Do you know how I wash
23:47you and I could flew away together
23:50higher than the cloth?
23:52Could we not stew away together
23:54in the biscuit?
23:55No.
23:56We wee too much.
24:00We have a bit of a problem.
24:02The main valve is leaking.
24:03Gas is leaking into the balloon.
24:05Go back and tighten it.
24:08Here is a wrench.
24:15Where is the pallet for the basket?
24:17Oh, there are sandbags outside.
24:19Get them.
24:21Can I not go now?
24:23What, in broad daylight?
24:24Of course not.
24:25We will have to wait
24:25until night falls.
24:27Do you not realise
24:27they will start to search
24:28for the Colonel?
24:29This place could be crawling
24:30with Germans any minute.
24:39The balloon is filling.
24:43Tie the rope to the basket.
24:46There is no ballast
24:47that will not hold down the balloon.
24:49Tie the rope to the bed.
24:53We will lose the balloon.
24:56No, no, no, no, no, no.
24:58No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:08There is no Alt玉, no, no, no, no.
25:10There is no loss.
25:12We will lose the belts.
25:12Can we go go?
25:16There is no loss
25:17in frontgrad canon.
25:29She's lifting the bed.
25:31Hold tight, Mama.
25:33Alice, Alice, wake up.
25:36It's amazing.
25:38It's amazing.
25:39Like, like, marrows, marrows.
25:41Oh, by my lovely Algerian marrows.
25:54We have lost my mother.
25:56Do not worry.
25:58We have gained a bedroom.
26:10What are you putting me into this bed for?
26:12There's nothing the matter with me.
26:14Take it easy, old chap.
26:15You've been overdoing it.
26:16The nurse here will give you a nice little injection
26:18and when you wake up, you'll be the same old piggies
26:21that we all know and love.
26:22Go away.
26:23I do not want an injection.
26:25I'm just as sane as you are.
26:34One second, sorts.
26:36Nurse, the needle.