- 2 days ago
Category
đŸ“º
TVTranscript
00:05Life has finally got to work for me here in Nouvien, so I've decided to leg it for Spain.
00:10As you see, I am disguised as an onion seller.
00:15I'm also going to be taking the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies,
00:18which we stole last night from the safe of Airflick by tunneling through from the old bakery next door.
00:24Unfortunately, as I was removing the painting from the back of the safe,
00:27Lieutenant Gruber opened the front and caught a glimpse of me.
00:31Fortunately, he thought that I was the ghost of my own dead twin brother,
00:36because I was covered in flour at the time.
00:39So, to be on the safe side, I am going to pinch the bicycle of Officer Crabtree and head for
00:44the Spanish border.
00:45If my legs hold out, I should be there by the end of the war.
00:51Where are you going?
00:53To Spain, my child.
00:54I am going to sell the painting of the fallen Madonna and then send for you.
00:57But I thought you gave the painting to me.
00:59She'll just sell for resistance funds.
01:01That was a forgery.
01:02The original is in my knapsack.
01:04Oh, René, do not leave me.
01:06Careful, you will crush my onions.
01:09Oh, René, take me with you.
01:11I will endure any hardship to be by your side.
01:15700 miles on my crossbar may be too much.
01:18Goodbye, Yvette.
01:20Expect a card.
01:21I will sign it, A Spaniard.
01:23And then you can rest assured it comes from me.
01:25Oh, René!
01:26René!
01:28What are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?
01:31And why is she crying?
01:32You stupid woman!
01:35Can you not see that these onions are making her weep?
01:39She was just wiping her poor eyes.
01:41Now go back to bed, Yvette.
01:43And do not look back.
01:44Do as he says.
01:45I will be brave.
01:50René, you cannot run away.
01:52I am sure the Germans will arrest me for breaking into the safe of Airflick.
01:55Nonsense.
01:56One quick glimpse of your face covered with flour inside a safe.
02:00No one will be able to prove it was you.
02:02Oh, René, I will swear that we have been in bed together
02:05in a passionate embrace all night.
02:12Well, there goes the case for the defence.
02:17Oh, there you are, René.
02:19We want to work with you.
02:20Good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant, Captain.
02:23Somebody broke into Airflick's safe last night.
02:26Yes, we did.
02:27But someone has broken in from the back
02:30and stolen the painting of the fallen Madonna.
02:32And this morning, a trail of flour from the bakery
02:35has led us to the door of your cafe.
02:38No.
02:39Yes.
02:39Well, you tell us the truth, for you are in a bigger trouble.
02:42Well, what you have just told me explains a mysterious event
02:44that happened just a few moments ago.
02:46A disreputable stranger, all covered in flour,
02:50entered through that very door
02:51and tried to sell me the painting of the fallen Madonna
02:53with the big boobies.
02:54I knew you would have an explanation.
02:58And what did you do?
02:59He sent him packing.
03:01No.
03:01No, no, no.
03:02You were half asleep, my dearest.
03:04No, I confiscated the painting.
03:06And then I sent him packing.
03:07Oh, yes.
03:08I was half asleep.
03:10Where is the painting now?
03:11I was just about to cycle over and give it to you.
03:14Ah.
03:19Excellent.
03:21Lieutenant Gruber swears he saw someone who looked just like you
03:25steal it from the safe.
03:27That is impossible.
03:28The man looked nothing at all like René.
03:30He was short and skinny, with piggy eyes and a squint.
03:33He had a scar from ear to ear.
03:36Two of his front teeth were missing.
03:37Also, he had a limp.
03:39I thought you said you were half asleep.
03:42I was.
03:43If I had been fully awake,
03:44I would have been able to give you a more detailed description.
03:47There you are, Colonel.
03:49A simple case of mistaken identity.
03:51I think we should give René the benefit of the doubt, Colonel.
03:55Well, from now on, keep your nose clean.
03:58Yes, Colonel.
03:58Come on.
04:01If you don't,
04:02you'll be in a deep doodah.
04:07I suspect that you have been a naughty boy, René.
04:11But I did not want to get you into trouble.
04:13Thank you, Lieutenant.
04:14If there is ever anything I can do in return,
04:17yes, well, no doubt I shall think of something.
04:20Until then.
04:21Until then.
04:24Oh, René.
04:25That was a close call.
04:27My legs have gone all wobbly.
04:29Lieutenant Gruber saved our bacon.
04:31He knows it was me.
04:33The next time he comes to dinner,
04:34we will make sure that he has the best table by the window.
04:37Let us hope that is all he wants.
04:46Good morning, hair-flop.
04:49And good morning to you, hair von Smellhorsen.
04:54It is not a good morning.
04:55I wish to report a serious burglary.
04:58And what has been biggled?
05:01Last night, someone blew down the door to my secret headquarters,
05:05broke into my safe, and stole a valuable painting.
05:08Can you disgrube this painting?
05:11It was the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp.
05:14The one with the big boobies.
05:16Killing the dinner with the bog BB.
05:22I may be able to help you, Herr Flock.
05:25I saw the men who deed the dude.
05:29You dod?
05:30Oh, you did?
05:33I was outside your headquarters
05:35when I saw some pupil acting in a suspicious minner.
05:39Why did you not arrest them?
05:41Before I could, they hit me on the hod.
05:45And I pissed out.
05:48Do you recognize these men?
05:52I had never seen them before in my loaf.
05:55But I have drawn a rough scotch with my pencil.
06:00Good.
06:03There will be a generous reward
06:05for information leading to the arrest of these people.
06:08So from the sketch, they appear to be from another planet.
06:13What is the reward?
06:15100 francs.
06:16That's not much.
06:18I've got more than that in my piggy bank.
06:21Make that 100 francs and his piggy bank.
06:24Go to it.
06:25I shall do my bust.
06:27Come on.
06:28When will I learn to keep my trutcher?
06:31It's when you are taller.
06:35Do you think this is the original, Griver?
06:37I don't trust René.
06:40Oh, yes, Coronel.
06:41I recognize this little circular mark from when I hid it in my quarters.
06:45Is that the secret sign of the artist?
06:47No, that is where I put a damp glass of schnapps on it.
06:53General von Klinckhofen.
06:58Good morning, gentlemen.
07:00The town is abuzz with rumor.
07:01It seems that there was a burglary carried out at the Gestapo headquarters.
07:06And a certain painting that was thought to be missing is again missing.
07:11Have you anything to add to these rumors?
07:14Have we anything to add, Griver?
07:17I think we're about to.
07:20Don't tell me the news is already in the paper.
07:21Ah, no, General, but there's good news for you under this paper.
07:27The painting is safe.
07:29It was handed to us a few moments ago, anonymously.
07:32We were just going to bring it to you.
07:35Oh, this is splendid news.
07:37The Fuhrer will be delighted.
07:38I shall take it to my quarters for safekeeping.
07:41I suspect that this break-in was carried out by you without my permission,
07:46but I shall turn a blind eye.
07:48Very nearly true, General.
07:51Medals may be in order for you, too.
07:53I was the one who revealed its location.
07:55I shall pin yours on personally.
07:58What about me?
08:00My man blew the safe.
08:02Stick another feather in your hat.
08:06In the meantime, Guba, how is the first edition of the newspaper progressing?
08:10It is almost ready, General.
08:12Good.
08:13Since our picnic with the French peasants was ruined by the Gestapo,
08:17we shall need another picture for the front page
08:20to show how well we are getting on with the conquered French.
08:24What about one of the garrison commanders enjoying an evening out at the local cafe?
08:29Enjoying food, wine, and entertainment.
08:31I will arrange it at once, General.
08:33Excellent.
08:34Well, I shall see you all tonight.
08:35Perhaps you can arrange for the pin-up of the tank corps to sit next to me.
08:39Thank you, General.
08:44I was referring to Private Helga Gerhardt.
08:47It would be a privilege.
08:50Heil Hitler.
08:51Heil Hitler.
08:52Heil Mussolini.
08:53Don't push your luck.
08:55Damn it.
08:56We've lost the painting.
08:57Don't worry.
08:58If I keep in with the general, we may be able to get it back.
09:01By the way, I didn't know I was pin-up of the tank corps.
09:05You're not in my little tank.
09:09Thank heavens for that.
09:12Flick.
09:13Flick.
09:13There are rumours in the village that Colonel von Storm has somehow obtained the painting
09:17of the fallen Madonna, which was stolen from your safe.
09:20Curse it.
09:21I might have guessed he was behind it.
09:23This means I must make up with Helga so she can assist in its recovery.
09:28That will not be easy, Herr Flick.
09:31She was not very pleased when you ditched her.
09:34Fortunately, I have in my desk drawer the Gestapo manual entitled
09:38How to Get Off with Women of the Opposite Sex.
09:42Ten Easy Lessons.
09:44With an introduction by Eva Braun.
09:47Here we are.
09:49Chapter 5.
09:50How to make up with a woman you have ditched.
09:53What does it say?
09:55There is only one way to worm your way back into the heart of a woman you have ditched.
10:02Grovel.
10:05But that is against your natural instincts, Herr Flick.
10:08That is correct.
10:09Senior Gestapo officers are not used to groveling.
10:12I mean, I cannot see you being meek and humble and generally very crawly.
10:17I shall have to take a leaf out of your book, François.
10:21You give me plenty of practice, Herr Flick.
10:24It says here, I shall take her gifts, write her a poem, or serenade her with a love song.
10:30What woman could resist such a man?
10:33But can you sing?
10:35I have a fine tenor voice.
10:39I will sing her a serenade from Rosemary.
10:46Then I'm calling you.
10:55A superb rendition, Herr Flick.
10:58Superb!
10:59It is good to hear from you for a change and honest opinion.
11:03Will you answer to...
11:12Yes, Colonel.
11:14This evening, I will pass on the message.
11:17Who was that?
11:19That was the Colonel.
11:20The General is coming here tonight to be photographed having a jolly time for the newspaper to show how well
11:25we collaborate.
11:26It was not easy to control myself.
11:29Oh, René, we must not upset them.
11:32Well, we must not let the villagers think we are being too friendly or they may stop coming.
11:35But of course I shall sing for them.
11:37It is only expected.
11:40Well, that should convince the village that we have at least got some fight left.
11:46René, I must talk to you urgently.
11:48What were you doing in our back passage?
11:50I was testing the wine barrels that will transport the British Airmen down the river to the sea so they
11:55can be picked up by the boat squadron.
11:57Tonight is the night.
11:59Where are these barrels?
12:00In your cellar.
12:02The Airmen are just trying them for size.
12:04Oh, my God.
12:05Come and say farewell to them.
12:07This will be the last time you will see them.
12:09My plan is foolproof.
12:10Now, where have I heard that before?
12:13These are the special barrels.
12:17Hello.
12:18Hello.
12:20We are acclimatizing them to being in the barrels.
12:23Hello, chaps.
12:24Everything okay?
12:24I've got pins and needles everywhere.
12:27You're lucky.
12:28I think I've got woodworm.
12:31Michelle, how will the boat squadron see them in the dark?
12:34I will demonstrate.
12:36Right, chaps.
12:37Ready to run through the drill?
12:38Spend it.
12:39Oh, good.
12:39This is an airbrained plan.
12:42At least it will get rid of them.
12:44For good, I should think.
12:45Okay, chaps.
12:46You're out at sea.
12:47Go.
12:49Ready, Pat?
12:50Go.
12:50Ready!
12:51Tally-ho!
12:57Incredible.
12:57So that is where my bathroom bulbs went.
13:01Each barrel is equipped with a long-life heavy-duty battery, which is attached to the bulbs.
13:06Well done, chaps.
13:17Full-proof.
13:21And I'm calling you.
13:28Well, you answer to.
13:35Good morning, Helga.
13:36Did you endry my little serenade?
13:39Is that what it was?
13:40I thought it was one of the peasants skinning a cat.
13:45Do I detect a certain coldness in your demeanor as a result of our lover's tiff?
13:49What do you think, Terflick?
13:52I see you intend to make it difficult for me, Helga.
13:55Perhaps you will melt when I read you this poem.
13:58I love you more than words can say, from your head down to your toes.
14:03I am lost four words to show my love, so please, accept this rose.
14:12That is a dead cod.
14:15Roses are out of season.
14:18I only found out after I had written the poem.
14:21It would take more than a dead cod to get around me.
14:24You will be pleased to hear that I have decided to forgive you.
14:27I am willing to take you back if you promise to behave.
14:30By the way, where is the painting of the fallen Madonna?
14:33The general has it in his quarters in his chateau.
14:37You may kiss me.
14:38I'd rather kiss the cod.
14:43Well, help me get it back and we will share the proceeds.
14:46When I was mad about you, I might have helped.
14:48But now that you have ditched me, I have my own plans.
14:51The general is quite keen on me.
14:55Please, Helga.
14:59Oh, roses for the beautiful lady.
15:04What's he doing here?
15:06Mind your own business.
15:08Oh, Captain Bertorelli, what lovely flowers.
15:10You certainly know how to treat a woman, unlike certain others.
15:15I tell you, maybe tonight, before we meet the general in the cafe,
15:18we could take a stroll in the moonlight and do the canoodle.
15:22Oh, for fun!
15:24Perhaps you would rather have a little lunch with me.
15:27We could grill some sausages over my upturned electric fire.
15:32How about the picnic in the woods?
15:35That sounds much more exciting.
15:37Maybe we could learn something from the birds and the bees.
15:40Maybe they could learn something from us.
15:43It's so nice to be going out with a real man at last.
15:55Oh, the nerfs!
16:00The flashing nerfs!
16:02Are you dead on time?
16:04Quick, lift the bed.
16:08Oh, this is flashing.
16:10Never cease.
16:12Shut up, you old bat.
16:16Hello, London. Hello, London. This is Nighthawk. What is your message? Over.
16:21We will be looking out for the two seabirds from Midnight Funwind. Is everything okay? Over.
16:27Well, apart from the fact that we have to entertain half the German army to dinner, and the seabirds have
16:32fused their flashes, all is well. Over.
16:35Understood. Over and out.
16:37As soon as the Germans have come, we will roll the barrels down to the river.
16:44Oh, what is happening, Fanny? Have I missed anything?
16:48Some old bird's flusher has been fused.
16:52It has nothing to do with me.
16:57Can you see them, von Smallhausen?
17:00Yes, Sir Fleek. The Italian has put his jacket down on the grass and has taken out a sandwich.
17:07And Helga?
17:09She sits next to him.
17:12The trollop.
17:13She's trying to make you jealous, Sir Fleek.
17:16I am aware of this. Fortunately, I have it under control.
17:21What?
17:21She should make her jealous of you. Then she might help you get back the painting.
17:26The idea has already germinated in my brain.
17:31Tonight, we shall go to Café René in our glad rags in order to check up the vitresses.
17:37That should have her hopping up and down.
17:39The eye-tie is putting his arms on her.
17:42The oily wop.
17:45The wop, wivering.
17:49I think someone is spying on us up a tree.
17:51I certainly hope so.
17:53Now, kiss me on the cheek and try not to get your feathers up my nose.
17:58He's kissing her.
18:00I cannot bear to watch.
18:02Just as well.
18:04On the other hand, I cannot bear the suspense.
18:23Oh, General, what an honour. I have reserved our best table for you.
18:27Of course you have.
18:28Is the photographer ready to record us in joining ourselves?
18:31Monsieur Alphonse, c'est your servisseur.
18:33He has his camera and three-foot stand.
18:36I think it best you take a photograph at the appropriate moment.
18:41Helga, I will sit next to you.
18:43Captain Bert Raleigh, you will sit opposite.
18:49Remember to smile at the peasants to show how well we get on with it.
18:59Food and wine.
19:00Nothing special.
19:01We will eat what the peasants eat.
19:02We will drink what the peasants drink.
19:04Yes, General, we have a special dish, typical of our region.
19:07Now.
19:09Ah, I love the French food.
19:11I smell it a smell and my stomach, it goes mad.
19:16Ah, snails.
19:18Snails have never been my favourite dish.
19:21The will enjoys them.
19:22They are very lightly cooked with garlic and white wine.
19:32Some of them more lightly cooked than others.
19:37This one appears reluctant to be eaten.
19:40Perhaps he is feeling unwell and did not wish to upset your stomach.
19:44I will return it to the garden.
19:52I see the two waitresses, Herr Fleek.
19:54We will knock them dead in these clothes.
19:57I will fondle one on my knee and Helga will go mad with jealousy.
20:02Make me hot under the collar.
20:04We will take this table.
20:06Have you checked up on the manual, Herr Fleek?
20:08I have it here.
20:11Waitress?
20:12Waitress?
20:14What is your sis?
20:17If you require a drink, put your hand up and wait.
20:21I'm so sorry.
20:23Miss Fleek?
20:25Ignore him.
20:27Tell me, what is a dumpy girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
20:34Pardon?
20:36Why do you not come back to my place and I will show you a good time, baby?
20:41Get fresh with me, pal, and I'll slit your throat.
20:46Playing hard to get.
20:49Either my technique needs polishing or the author needs to be shot.
20:54Landlord, we are ready for the entertainment.
20:56Is the camera standing by?
20:58I am standing by, monsieur.
20:59Ladies and gentlemen, Madam Edith will sing for you in her own inimitable style.
21:06Nothing changes.
21:10I'm naughty but nice.
21:11If you wink at me twice, I shall know that you're my kind of chance.
21:16If you give me a laugh, put your ear on your tongue, I'll come and sit on your lap.
21:21Nobody more.
21:23I'm naughty, it's true, but I bet so are you.
21:27Hands up, those who want to be kissed.
21:31If you don't try, you could very well die never knowing just what you had missed.
21:37I'm naughty, and if you stare at me, I shall have to pick you for a date.
21:42I can tell you're all keen, but I'm going to be mean.
21:49I'm afraid you will just have to wait.
21:59That was a nice week.
22:03The photograph will now be taken of us all enjoying this relentless attack on our eardrums.
22:08I am ready, General.
22:10Captain Bertorelli, I must not be out-meddled in the picture.
22:18You, resume your singing pose.
22:21We will pretend to gaze in rapture.
22:24How would you like to pop a snail into your mouth to show how much you have enjoyed the meal,
22:29eh?
22:29No.
22:31But, uh, Gruber can.
22:41Enjoy it, Gruber. Enjoy it.
22:44Yes, but he keeps wiggling one of his little things at me.
22:48That just goes to show how popular you are.
22:52Shall we try the other way, Mr. Fleek?
22:54Yes, I think this time the more direct approach is required.
22:59Peasant women do not appreciate the subtle advance.
23:05Now, my fine filly, you look like a girl who entries a bit of a tickle and a slap.
23:10Ow!
23:13What is going on?
23:15It's her book.
23:16He's slept the Beatrice's bottom.
23:18You're making a bad impression.
23:20This is disgraceful.
23:21You cannot have Germans behaving in this way.
23:23Guards, throw the two perverts out.
23:27You cannot do this.
23:28We are the Gestapo.
23:30Molesting peasant girls is a pastime reserved only for generals.
23:34This is the last time I go out womanizing with you, von Smallhausen.
23:39I am sorry about this, General.
23:41I hope it hasn't ruined your evening.
23:43On the contrary, ejecting nasty Gestapo fellows has quite made my night.
23:48Now, hold those posies.
23:50We are ready for the photo.
23:53Smile.
23:55Hi up.
23:56I'm running out of sincerity.
24:04I have got it.
24:05This is a good one.
24:06I will develop it.
24:08Good.
24:09Cheers.
24:12Neither.
24:13This is a really excellent vintage.
24:15Just a local wine from our cellar, General.
24:17Oh, show me.
24:19Come, let us go and see.
24:20This is a treasure trove.
24:21Yes, of course.
24:22You must take a bottle or two home with you.
24:24Come this way.
24:27Hey, now we got rid of von Klinkiehofen.
24:31What's to say we take another stroll in the moonlight?
24:34There's a time and a place for everything.
24:37This is the time.
24:41What a mistake to make.
24:46Interesting.
24:48This is truly incredible.
24:50A 26 clout.
24:52A particularly good year.
24:55And two barrels of it.
24:57You do not want the old stuff, General.
24:59The wine you like is over here.
25:01Take it all.
25:02Oh, nonsense.
25:03This is far too good to be wasted in the peasant cafe.
25:06See to it till we take both barrels with us when we leave.
25:09Then we shall keep it for some special occasion.
25:11How about when the war is over?
25:13Well, you have won it, Herr Ducky.
25:17Well done, René.
25:19You have put him in a good mood.
25:23René, we must warn the airmen.
25:25How can we?
25:26We do not speak English.
25:28And they do not speak French.
25:29Oh, René, what can we do?
25:35Hello!
25:35Hello!
25:36Hello!
25:39Oh, good!
25:40I think he's saying we're leaving.
25:43Cheerio!
25:43Cheerio!
25:46What do we do now?
25:49Ask Michelle for two more barrels so we can escape as well.