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00:08Things have gone from bad to worse here in Nouvien.
00:10We were just about to send the airmen out to sea in two wine barrels which were hidden in my
00:15cellar
00:16when General von Klinkeroffen confiscated the barrels
00:19because he thought that they contained a rather good 26 claret.
00:23Needless to say, the airmen are now in his cellar at the chateau.
00:26If he decides to sample the claret, I am a dead man.
00:30My hands are shaking.
00:32In the absence of tranquilizers, I am mixing gin with acorn coffee.
00:39I find that it helps to calm me down.
00:41Ready!
00:45Look, the first edition of the new Nouvien newspaper is on the streets.
00:50I do know, Edith. I am the editor.
00:53You are very naughty, Benny.
00:55You did not tell me I had been chosen as the spirit of Nouvien.
00:58Well, after all your nagging, what else could I do?
01:01Look at my picture.
01:03To think of my face staring out of all the new stands.
01:06And under the title,
01:07the spirit of Nouvien represents strength, virtue and beauty.
01:12You must remember, Edith, it is a propaganda pic.
01:18Benny, is there not some way I can show my appreciation?
01:22After all, the cafe is empty.
01:25Yes, of course, Edith.
01:27The sink behind the bar is bunged up.
01:30Let's see if you can clear it out, Tom.
01:33If I am put under any more strain, I am going to be out of gin.
01:38Listen very carefully.
01:40I shall say this only once.
01:41I have had the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies we stole from Airflik's safe,
01:46valued by an expert.
01:47It is a forgery.
01:48No.
01:49But how do you do?
01:54Our boobies are not big enough.
01:59They look all right to me.
02:02I also found out that somehow the original is in the possession of General von Klinkeraffen at the Chateau.
02:08We must get it.
02:09We need the funds for the resistance.
02:11I am more concerned about the airman in his cellar than this painting.
02:13If they are found in barrels that came from my cellar, we will be shot.
02:16He is right.
02:17The painting is of secondary importance.
02:20I agree.
02:21I will put the best brands of the resistance onto the problem of rescuing the airman.
02:25However, the resistance is still very short of funds.
02:34When the painting is recovered and sold, you will be re-unversed.
02:37But now, I must vanish like a phantom to the air-dresses.
02:44Oh, René, you look so worried.
02:46Would you like me to get you some more gin?
02:49Balls.
02:53I will get you some anyway.
02:57For the sake of it, this first edition is not at all bad.
03:03Congratulations.
03:05I supervised René to the best of my ability, making sure he only put in the paper what I told
03:10him.
03:11Why do you have so many articles about General von Kinkiehofen?
03:17Because he is a garrison commander.
03:19And he has a big head.
03:22Look, he insisted on having his picture on the front page.
03:25What an idiot he looks.
03:29General von Kinkiehofen!
03:33Ah, I see you're all reading the paper.
03:36The colonel, oh, he was just saying how handsome you look on the front page.
03:41Yes, I do look rather dashing, don't I?
03:43That is an excellent article, Gruber, you wrote about how we are winning the war.
03:46Yes, I merely took down your dictation, General.
03:50Why you no print how the Italians are winning the war?
03:53When you start, we will.
03:57Now, Colin, I've had another idea for cementing relationships with the conquered French peasants.
04:02I'm all ears.
04:03A marriage between an officer and the occupying forces and a French peasant woman would be an excellent propaganda coup.
04:09I'm not sure that the peasants are too keen on marrying members of the occupying forces.
04:14Your prospective husband was persuaded that it is a good idea.
04:17I've already selected the woman.
04:20This one, the spirit of Nuvian.
04:23He said, that's Madame Edith from the cafe.
04:25As I understand it, always very friendly towards you.
04:28I don't fancy cementing relations with Madame Edith.
04:32You won't have to. You're already married.
04:34Oh, yes, so I am.
04:37Thank heavens.
04:39Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli will draw straws for the honour of proposing to her.
04:43But we don't have any straws.
04:45And I am not the marrying kind.
04:47I'm more the love of them and the leave of them.
04:50Sir, it's...
04:52We will draw pencils.
04:55Whoever gets the shorter one will marry the peasant.
04:59And then, of course, when the war is over, we can have it cancelled.
05:05Bad luck.
05:10General, I cannot do it.
05:12What?
05:12Well, my mother has always hoped that I would marry a nice blonde German.
05:19A girl, that is.
05:22He has always been very reticent where women of the opposite sex are concerned.
05:27This is true.
05:28On the other hand, Captain Bertorelli here is always telling us he's irresistible to women of the opposite sex.
05:36Really?
05:37He never fails.
05:38Then Captain Bertorelli will marry the spirit of Nuvion.
05:41Bert, Generalis!
05:42Quiet!
05:43That is an order.
05:43Why can't I marry one of the waitresses?
05:45The taller one with the nicer bum.
05:49You'll do as you're told.
05:50If, however, she refuses you, then you can have a good service.
05:54I am suddenly depressed.
05:56Look, my feathers, they droop.
05:58Captain Bertorelli, remember, the money from the cafe will keep you in comfort.
06:02And you can chase the waitresses all night.
06:06Whereas the spirit of Nuvion is asleep.
06:09You're right.
06:10In the day I make the money, in the night I make the pass.
06:14Madame Edis, you will not resist me.
06:16I go to the cafe today to ask for a hand.
06:18Good.
06:19We will have a reception at the Chateau to make the official announcement.
06:22Colonel, you can invite all the local dignitaries.
06:25Heil Hitler!
06:26Heil Hitler!
06:27Heil Mussolini!
06:32What if she says a no?
06:33Nonsense.
06:34You are the most handsome man in Nuvion.
06:37You'll get the cafe and the girls.
06:40Yes, it's called having your cake and eating it.
06:42The cafe is okay.
06:44The crumbly old cake I could do without.
06:49You wanted to see me, Herr Flick?
06:51Yes, Van Smallhausen.
06:53My informants tell me that the painting of the fallen Madonna
06:57with the big boobies, which was stolen from under my nose
07:00while my back was turned,
07:01is on display in General von Klinkerhofen's quarters at the Chateau.
07:06Curse!
07:07It is beyond our reach.
07:08Nothing is beyond the reach of the Gestapo.
07:11But the Chateau is heavily guarded in front, Herr Flick.
07:14And there is a moat at the rear.
07:16How will we get in?
07:18We will swim across the moat.
07:20In these...
07:24special Gestapo fundament suits.
07:27We will then scale the wall
07:29with the aid of this compressed air mechanism,
07:32which will fire this grappling iron
07:34onto the roof of the castle.
07:36We will then create a diversion
07:38and steal the painting.
07:40There is one problem with your plan, Herr Flick.
07:43And what is this?
07:43I cannot swim.
07:46Turn onto the table, Van Smallhausen,
07:47and lie upon your face.
07:50Yes, sir.
07:53I have here...
07:55the Gestapo manual entitled
07:57Learning to swim very, very quickly.
08:00Let me start with the breaststroke.
08:07It is a very wide boat.
08:14You must help me.
08:15It is urgent.
08:16I have taken enough risks already.
08:18What is so urgent
08:19that you come here in daylight
08:21through the front door?
08:22Well, as you know,
08:23I am constantly on the move.
08:24I've had no time to do my washing.
08:27Please keep the whites separate,
08:28too dry,
08:29and try not to shrink the underwear.
08:31I need to be able to move quickly
08:33in an emergency.
08:35René!
08:35Huh?
08:35Lieutenant Gorbier is heading this way.
08:37I was at the butcher's.
08:38I came to warn you.
08:39Take the washing into the kitchen.
08:41Michelle, quick!
08:42Come with me into the back room.
08:43Quick, quick, quick!
08:46René!
08:47I'm so glad I found you alone.
08:49Only just.
08:52I have come to warn you.
08:54General von Klinkhofen,
08:56in the interest of improving relations
08:58with the peasants,
08:59has ordered Captain Bertorelli
09:00to marry Madame Edith.
09:02No.
09:03Yes.
09:04Why did he pick on her?
09:06And then again,
09:08why pick on him?
09:11She is the spirit of Nouvion.
09:13What better choice could there be?
09:15Oh, my God.
09:16So confident is the general
09:18of the outcome
09:19that he has organized a reception
09:21for the village dignitaries
09:22at the Chateau
09:23to announce the engagement.
09:24What a nerve.
09:25Of course she will refuse.
09:27It might be better
09:29if you got Madame Edith
09:30into hiding
09:30in case she falls
09:32for his irresistible charm,
09:34which, I must say,
09:35escapes me.
09:37I am grateful, Lieutenant,
09:39for the warning.
09:40If I can save anyone
09:42from the torture
09:43of matrimony, I will.
09:46If only you had been around
09:4725 years ago.
09:51If only I had.
09:58We heard every word.
10:00René, why did you not tell
10:01the Lieutenant
10:02that you were married to me?
10:04You were married
10:04to the René who was shot.
10:06I am his twin brother
10:06from Nancy.
10:07How quickly
10:07you forget the plot.
10:09When he proposes,
10:10I shall tell that
10:11I die to get nutted.
10:12Oh, no, let's not be hasty.
10:15Every cloud has a silver lining.
10:17They are to hold
10:18a reception at the Chateau,
10:19which gives us
10:20a splendid chance
10:21to get the British airmen out.
10:22No, I am sorry.
10:23It is out of the question.
10:24But do you not see?
10:26If the airmen are found
10:27in the wine barrels
10:27that came from your cellar,
10:28you could be shut.
10:30I know that,
10:31but you cannot just walk out
10:32of there with two wine barrels.
10:34We do not have to.
10:35I have made
10:36some preliminary notes.
10:41Beneath the cellars
10:42is an underground stream.
10:43We can drop the barrels
10:45with the airmen into it.
10:46The barrels
10:46will float down the river
10:48and out to sea
10:49to rendezvous
10:49with the boat squadron
10:50from England.
10:52But the Chateau
10:53will be full of Germans.
10:55And how do we get
10:55into the cellar?
10:56Listen.
10:57There is a tunnel
10:58to the cellars
10:59from the monastery.
11:01A locked door
11:02prevents entry
11:03to the cellars.
11:04You must open
11:05the door
11:05from the inside
11:06during the reception
11:07and let us in.
11:08It is a perfect plan.
11:09But how do we get
11:10to the cellar
11:10from the reception?
11:11The living quarters
11:11of the General
11:12are at the top
11:13of the Chateau.
11:14One pair of micas
11:15and three pounds of...
11:18No, no, I'm sorry.
11:20I will read that again.
11:21Those are personal notes.
11:23I'd like to hear it.
11:25There is a dumb waiter
11:27outside the room
11:27of General von Klinkerofen.
11:29You will put in it
11:30your small waitress, Mimi,
11:32and wind her down
11:32to the cellar.
11:33She will unlock
11:34the interconnecting door.
11:35I will enter with my girls
11:37and drop the barrels
11:37into the stream.
11:38It is simple.
11:41There is Captain
11:42Batterelli approaching now.
11:44You will be doing this
11:45for France, Edith.
11:46You must say yes.
11:48Be brave, Madame Edith,
11:49and don't worry.
11:50We will get you out of it
11:51before the wedding.
11:52Excuse me
11:53while I vanish
11:53into the back room.
11:55What up, what up, what up, what up?
11:57What up, what up?
11:58What up, what up?
11:58What up, what up?
11:58Ah, the beautiful lady.
12:01I bring you these beautiful flowers.
12:03That is very kind of you.
12:05Ahem, ahem.
12:06I don't beat about the bush,
12:07Madame Edith.
12:08I accept.
12:10I come here today
12:11to ask for your hand
12:12in marriage.
12:13I accept.
12:14Together we have
12:14a wonderful time together.
12:16We go for walks
12:17in the moonlight.
12:18We kiss with a passion
12:19under the stars.
12:20I accept.
12:21Then we come home
12:23and come to the takings
12:24from the till.
12:27I go on my bended knees.
12:28Please say yes.
12:30I already said yes.
12:31Were you not listening?
12:33You did?
12:34Oh, Mamma Mia,
12:35then it is done.
12:36Tonight we have
12:36a big reception at the castle
12:38to tell everyone
12:38how much we love each other.
12:40Now I give you the kiss.
12:42Just a little one.
12:44Oh, wow.
13:09Tonight when I come back
13:13When I come back
13:14to take you to the reception
13:16I bring you the engagement ring
13:18with the diamonds
13:18and the sapphires.
13:20You mean you are rich as well?
13:22Don't worry,
13:23I charge you to the business.
13:24Mwah!
13:31Well done, Madame Lydis.
13:32We saw and heard everything.
13:35Oh, René.
13:36When he forced his lips on mine
13:38it must have been difficult
13:39for you to control yourself.
13:42It was.
13:43There are still tears in my eyes.
13:46And then I realized
13:47that he is more interested
13:48in the takings from the cafe
13:49than in you.
13:50Oh, René.
13:52While you still love me
13:53his finger will never
13:54be on my till.
13:59That is a great comfort.
14:04Ah, good.
14:04The sandwiches.
14:06To you, sir.
14:07Is everything ready?
14:08Yes, General.
14:09The girls must make sure
14:10that everyone's glass
14:11is filled at all times.
14:12This is supposed
14:13to be a happy occasion.
14:15The invited dignitaries
14:16are here.
14:17Oh, announce them.
14:19The head of the
14:20Nuvium police!
14:24Good morning.
14:26I am very close
14:27to moot you,
14:28General von Tonkowitken.
14:30Lieutenant Greber.
14:32Colonel von Stream.
14:35Monsieur Alphonse!
14:37The mayor,
14:38the undertaker,
14:39the hairdresser,
14:40the vineyard owner,
14:41and the photographer.
14:43There are the other
14:44five people you announced.
14:45Oh, they are all me,
14:48General.
14:49Allow me to introduce
14:50myself my card.
14:51Monsieur Alphonse,
14:52funeral and burials.
14:53Swiftly and with style.
14:55Unfortunately,
14:56I am in good health.
14:57Monsieur and Madame Leclerc!
15:04I do not shake hands
15:06with Germans.
15:07I spit on them.
15:11Excuse me, General.
15:12She is a little bit...
15:13Now settle down,
15:14you old bat.
15:16Here, Madame Fanny,
15:17have a drink.
15:17It will make you feel better.
15:18Are you mad?
15:19She must keep up the booze.
15:20Remember,
15:21you have a part to play
15:22to get your old daughter
15:24out of this engagement.
15:25I am an old trooper.
15:28I will not fail.
15:30Quick, Ernest,
15:31give me your eep flask.
15:32Be careful, Fanny.
15:34It is very strong.
15:35Do not spill it on the floor
15:37or it will take off the polish.
15:42That is the spot.
15:44Captain Bertherelli
15:45and his fiancée,
15:47the spirit of Nuvio.
15:49My word.
15:50It is the first time
15:51I have seen Muffin
15:51actually dressed as Muffin.
15:56Were there any problems?
15:57Apparently,
15:58she accepted
15:59without hesitation.
16:00I am not a bit surprised.
16:01This is my bride-to-be.
16:04May I say,
16:05Madame Edith,
16:05you have never
16:06looked more beautiful.
16:09Thank you, Lieutenant.
16:10Here,
16:11I pay the compliments,
16:12not to you.
16:13Look at her.
16:14What a beauty.
16:15I am blinded by love.
16:17That's quite obvious.
16:20Over here.
16:26I must congratulate you
16:27on helping
16:28with our war effort.
16:29My chest
16:29is to swallow with pride.
16:31Do I get a medaglio?
16:33No,
16:34but you certainly deserve one.
16:36Oh,
16:37Madame Edith,
16:38if you marry this man,
16:40you will break my ticker.
16:42It is already ticking.
16:44Don't worry,
16:45Monsieur Alphonse.
16:46I am only
16:46going through the motions.
16:48Oh,
16:49I shudder
16:49to think of you
16:50going through the motions
16:51with his feathers.
16:54A nice
16:55sound of my teeth.
16:57Please,
16:58control yourself.
16:59I cannot.
16:59As a matter of principle,
17:01I must challenge
17:02my rival
17:03to a duel.
17:05it is expected.
17:09The world
17:10with you,
17:10Monsieur.
17:12What's up?
17:12You have taken
17:13the hand of the woman
17:14I love.
17:15I demand satisfaction.
17:16It is a local custom.
17:18In Italy,
17:18the husband
17:19gets a satisfaction.
17:22The locals
17:23don't get a look in.
17:25I demand
17:26the satisfaction
17:27of a duel
17:28to the death.
17:29Name
17:30your time
17:31and place.
17:36What's that for?
17:37It is also
17:37part of the local custom.
17:40Okey-dokey,
17:41dawn tomorrow
17:41in the woods.
17:42I will.
17:43I have done
17:44what is expected
17:45of me.
17:46I must inform you
17:47I am the best shot
17:47in the Italian army.
17:49In that case,
17:50I must inform you
17:51that I have
17:51a prior engagement.
17:53Otherwise,
17:54I would go
17:54and embalm myself
17:55immediately.
17:57Cheers.
17:58Cheers.
18:14That is the window
18:15of the general's quarters.
18:17It is very high.
18:19Do not be afraid
18:20of the snow.
18:22Because the boat
18:23fires a grappling iron,
18:25climbs the almost
18:26insurmountable wall.
18:28After creating
18:28a diversion,
18:29we steal the painting
18:31and return
18:31to our quarters.
18:32I must point out,
18:34Herr Flick,
18:34I have not yet
18:35fully mastered
18:36the technique
18:37of swimming.
18:38What if I get
18:39into difficulties?
18:41You will continue
18:42walking under water
18:43for as long
18:44as you can.
18:49ready to go down
18:50into the cellar,
18:50my brave little Mimi?
18:51For you,
18:52René,
18:52I'm always ready.
18:54Yvette will lower you down.
18:55Why cannot I go?
18:57Because I am braver
18:58than you
18:58and you are
18:59fatter than me.
19:00How dare you,
19:02shorty!
19:03Fassy!
19:03Shorty!
19:04Fatty!
19:04Shorty!
19:04Fatty!
19:05Fatty!
19:05Stop it!
19:06You are both brave.
19:08Now come along,
19:08me.
19:09Climb in.
19:14Good luck, Mimi.
19:15I must get back
19:15to the festivities
19:16and if I am asked
19:17about this,
19:18of course,
19:18I know nothing about it.
19:20Trust us.
19:20Good, yes.
19:21Be careful
19:22how you lower me down.
19:23It is a long drop.
19:24Do not tell me
19:25what to do.
19:30Aren't you
19:31one of the waitresses
19:32for the café?
19:33What if I am?
19:35You gave me
19:35a little kiss
19:36the other night
19:37and promised another
19:38the next time we met.
19:39Oh, I don't remember.
19:41Oh!
19:42Oh!
19:43Oh!
19:43Oh, yes!
19:44Oh!
19:46I see it's all
19:48coming back to you.
19:52Quick, Mimi.
19:55It is how
19:55Michelle opens the door.
19:57The key is big and old
19:59but I am strong.
20:01There.
20:02Well done.
20:03Ah, there are the barriers.
20:06Perfect.
20:07Carstairs,
20:08can you hear me?
20:11Hello!
20:12We've come.
20:13We've come to get you out.
20:14Oh, about time.
20:16The rats have been
20:17gnawing at my bum.
20:19Well, pop back in, chaps.
20:20We're going to drop you
20:21in the river
20:21and start your journey.
20:23Oh, thank God.
20:23Cheerio.
20:24Michelle,
20:25I hope this plan works.
20:26My subscription to Wentworth
20:28runs out next week.
20:29That's too bad.
20:31Cheerio.
20:34Open the trapdoor, girls.
20:54Quick, quick, Mimi.
20:56Get back before you are missed.
21:07Is she not back yet?
21:08Oh, she is very heavy.
21:10Oh, I will do it.
21:11Go and serve the drink.
21:12What?
21:14Oh, honey, what are you doing out here?
21:18You're missing all the fun.
21:20Just running out of wine, Lieutenant.
21:22I sent Mimi down to get some more.
21:24That looks like heavy work.
21:26Let me give you a hand.
21:29It's all right, Lieutenant.
21:30I can manage.
21:32Nonsense.
21:34Look, I'm terribly sorry
21:36about Madam Edith.
21:37I wish I could have prevented
21:39this dreadful engagement.
21:41Well, thank you for trying.
21:43Don't worry.
21:45If your nights become lonely,
21:46we can always chat by the bar.
21:49That would be a great comfort.
21:51Oh, here is Mimi now.
21:54Come advance.
21:56The general's about to make a speech.
22:00Ah.
22:03Well done, Mimi.
22:05I have overcome great danger.
22:08Hold me and kiss me.
22:10You will just have to settle
22:12for a well done, Mimi.
22:18Silence!
22:20I have invited all you local peasants
22:22here tonight to hear
22:23an important announcement.
22:25To cement the friendship
22:26between the occupying forces
22:28and the peasants,
22:29I have decided to give my permission
22:30for a marriage to take place
22:31between Captain Bertorelli
22:33and the spirit of Nuvian
22:34from the Café Rennais.
22:36Have you got the ring?
22:41What a weapon!
22:44It will be yours tonight.
22:49Captain Bertorelli is, of course,
22:51an Italian and not a true Aryan,
22:53but it's the spirit of the occasion
22:54that counts.
22:55Where is the photographer?
22:56I am here, General.
22:57My equipment is at the ready.
22:59We will have the official engagement
23:01for the warf over here.
23:02I wish to take this opportunity
23:04to display a fabulous art treasure
23:07which has been acquired
23:07for the glory of the Third Reich.
23:12As you'll see,
23:14it is the fallen Madonna
23:16with big boobies by Van Klomp,
23:18which will soon be on its way
23:19to the Führer.
23:20Let this be a lesson to you all.
23:22We Germans always succeed in the end!
23:28The happy couple may join me.
23:32Along the road back,
23:34this is the moment.
23:35What?
23:35It is my pleasure
23:36to announce the engagement officially
23:38and I trust you will all join me
23:40in wishing Captain Bertorelli
23:41and his bride-to-be
23:42every happiness.
23:44I do not.
23:45Who said that?
23:47My daughter Edith
23:48will never marry
23:50that ugly, fizzled whoop
23:52as long as I have
23:54a breath left in my body.
23:58Who is in that case?
24:01She is Captain Bertorelli's
24:03future mother-in-loo.
24:05My mother-in-loo?
24:06I will cut you off
24:08without a sue,
24:09you traitorous.
24:10You will never have
24:11my cafe now.
24:13Her cafe?
24:14But I thought it was your cafe.
24:16It is, Mama.
24:18She shall never
24:20disgrace my family
24:21by marrying
24:22that Tego.
24:24Tego?
24:25I am from Napoli.
24:27That's even worse.
24:28I've changed my mind.
24:29The wedding is off.
24:30You could lose
24:31your rank and medals for this.
24:32You can keep the medals.
24:33Mussolini!
24:34He made me the captain,
24:35not you!
24:37The name is Mussolini!
24:39That is the last time
24:41I trust an eye-tie
24:42for the silly walk.
24:44I see the painting
24:46of the fallen Madonna
24:46with the big boobies.
24:48It is time to activate
24:49our special Gestapo
24:50fire alarm
24:51as a diversion.
24:52I am ready,
24:53Herr Flick.
24:56Very well.
24:57Activate your helmet.
25:04Fire alarm, General!
25:05Quick,
25:06get back to the wall!
25:07Quick!
25:18Activate the fire alarm
25:19from the schoolhouse.
25:20What?
25:21Switch it off!
25:27Now,
25:29jump.
25:31How do we know
25:32the moat is deep enough
25:34to break our fall,
25:35Herr Flick?
25:36You
25:36will test it.
25:45Obviously not.
25:48That was not even
25:49our fire alarm.
25:50There must be another one
25:51somewhere.
25:52The picture is gone
25:53and not blind guards.
25:55Search venturers.
25:56It could not have been
25:57one of the possums
25:58as we were all at
25:59sod in the pissage.
26:07What an evening.
26:08What a successful one.
26:10I got out of
26:11knowing Captain Boccarelli.
26:13I mean,
26:13she's not like a
26:14British gentleman, right?
26:15Thank goodness
26:16we will never have to see
26:17those two British idiots again.
26:22Tell me this is a dream.
26:24You say,
26:26we seem to have taken
26:27the wrong passage
26:28in the underground stream.
26:29The creaking's jammed.
26:32What do they say?
26:34They have taken
26:35the wrong pissage.
26:37I'm afraid there has been
26:38an almighty kick-up.
26:40The weed's right out
26:42of my mouth.