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00:02At 10 o'clock in the morning, it is not usual to find me in bed, but I am suffering
00:06from
00:06nervous exhaustion. In the last 24 hours, I have been caught in the arms of my mistress
00:11Yvette by Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, the man who wishes to marry my wife, who in
00:17turn wishes to marry me, due to the fact that everyone thinks that I am dead and now crossing
00:21my own twin brother and living with her in sin. And as if that was not enough, my wife
00:26is also being courted by a randy Italian captain. My new waitress, Mimi Labanc, is after my
00:32body. And you may recall that I spent most of yesterday afternoon chasing a flying nun,
00:39with a radio on her back suspended from an oversized kite. Is it any wonder that I am suffering from
00:44nervous exhaustion?
00:47Winnie, Winnie, let me in.
00:50That is Mimi, the one I told you about. I dare not let my wife catch her in my arms.
00:54That
00:54is why I have locked the door.
00:57Please, Winnie, let me in.
00:58Go away. Think of my wife.
01:01She is in the kitchen.
01:02There is a key under the mat.
01:08Winnie!
01:15Winnie, why are you trying to avoid me?
01:18I just thought we, I thought we might work up to this point. You know, a romantic stroll
01:24down Lover's Lane, a furtive glance in church, a quick peek at you having a bath through the
01:29keyhole.
01:33Winnie, now that we are together, let me do something to make you feel warm and wonderful.
01:47Well, you can fill my hot water bottle.
01:55Winnie! I asked for you your breakfast.
01:57Quick, it is the wife. Hide, the bed.
02:00Oh, I meant under it, not in it.
02:03Winnie!
02:03Oh my God, too late.
02:07Oh, Winnie. My poor husband. How is the ache in your head?
02:12Oh, a little better, my dear. The peace and quiet are doing me good.
02:19Especially the peace.
02:21You are still very jumpy.
02:24Yes, sir.
02:24Shall I get him beside you and rub your neck?
02:26No, no, no.
02:28Oh, that running and chasing yesterday. You must still be very stiff.
02:36No more than you would expect.
02:40There. I have brought for you a soft boiled egg with soldiers, toast, honey and a pot of coffee.
02:47You are a treasure, Edith.
02:49Is there anything, Edith?
02:51Could you bring another cup?
02:58Ah, good morning, Monsieur Alphonse.
03:00I have come to see Madame Edith.
03:01She is upstairs giving to her husband the breakfast.
03:04That bounder, that rotter, that cad, that unprincipled innkeeper.
03:11Monsieur Alphonse, please remember, I am his mistress.
03:15My apologies, mademoiselle. With my dicky heart, I should not get in such a tis was.
03:21I am so consumed by jealousy that I am forgetting that we Frenchmen have this great tradition of having it
03:29off like rabbits.
03:32Oh, Monsieur Alphonse.
03:35Dear, beautiful Madame.
03:38I have an urgent message for you.
03:40From the Resistance?
03:41From the Dance?
03:42No, from me.
03:44Come into the back room.
03:47I love you, I love you.
03:54At last, we are alone.
03:57Hello!
03:59Go away!
04:03Now, Monsieur Alphonse, what is your message?
04:06I am a very busy woman.
04:08Dear lady, it is many weeks now that I have loved you from afar.
04:13I think of you, dear knight.
04:16Even when I am embalming, it is your face that haunts me.
04:21Haunts me through the fluid.
04:23I cannot contain my passion any longer.
04:26I must kiss those tempting sensuous lips.
04:30Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, you are very naughty.
04:32But since you put it so nicely, you may have one little peck.
04:37Oh, Madame.
04:50Mr. Alphonse!
04:52Oh!
04:57It's just my lips do this.
04:59I must withhold from him the rest of me.
05:03Ah, er, er, you have cleaned the bathroom well, Minnie.
05:06Now, go about your business in the car.
05:08Okay.
05:14Are we alone?
05:17Well, apart from four customers, two of my staff and one of yours, yes.
05:21Gather round.
05:23Listen very carefully.
05:25She will say this only once.
05:27I am not going to say anything.
05:29I am going to ask a question.
05:30Where is the radio?
05:32Back in the bedroom of my wife's mother, for what good it is.
05:34We lost the batteries crossing the river trying to catch this flying nonny.
05:39The dynamo on this bicycle will provide a temporary source of power.
05:43But will not the Germans be suspicious if they search and find a bicycle in the bedroom of my mother
05:48-in-law?
05:48We will say it is a keep-fit machine.
05:52Is it not a bit late? She is 86.
05:56It will not be for long.
05:57Already we have stolen more batteries from a German midget submarine.
06:01They will be delivered to you by one of our agents.
06:05Disguised as a torpedo, I suppose.
06:08He will make himself known to you by a secret sign.
06:11What will this sign be?
06:13He will put his finger in his ear and he will wiggle his nose like this.
06:20I will watch out for such a man.
06:22I have more good news. The explosives have arrived.
06:25Oh, good.
06:26They will be kept in your cellar.
06:27They will be delivered by another of our agents.
06:30The sticks of dynamite will be concealed in special compartments in his trousers.
06:37How will I know this man?
06:40He will be walking very gingerly.
06:43Look out, here comes the German lieutenant.
06:45What?
06:45Act normally.
06:46I will disappear like a phantom down the back passage.
06:51Ah, René.
06:53Good morning, Lieutenant.
06:55Ah, you look very smart.
06:58You will notice that I am walking rather gingerly.
07:04Do not tell me that you have dynamite in your trousers.
07:09René.
07:15René, do not listen to gossip.
07:20No, no, I have been exercising one of the general's horses.
07:24A magnificent black stallion.
07:27There's nothing like the sight of a handsome beast with nostrils flaring,
07:32foam flying from the mouth, clattering over the cobbles, scattering the peasants.
07:38I expect the horse enjoyed it as well.
07:41Have a seat, Lieutenant.
07:43Oh, René.
07:44Yes?
07:44You are up and about.
07:46Oh, you're still very frail, my dear.
07:48Monsieur Alphonse has just had a very funny turn in the back room.
07:51I think we should give him a cognac.
07:53It is my dicky-ticker, you understand.
07:56Here you are, Monsieur Alphonse.
07:59Oh, heck, Herr Flick!
08:01The Gestapo!
08:04Good morning, Herr Flick.
08:06Cognac?
08:07It is I.
08:09Helga!
08:11I have very serious news which could affect each one of us.
08:14Helga? What are you doing in Herr Flick's clothes?
08:16I am wearing his clothes because he has taken mine.
08:19See?
08:33Her Flick has disguised himself as a temporary lady stenographer of the female sex.
08:38He has secreted a listening device in a daffodil in a vase of flowers on the desk of Colonel Von
08:43Strohm.
08:43Apart from the satisfaction he obtains from wearing girls' clothes, why would he do that?
08:49He suspects General Von Klinkerhofen and the colonel of being involved in a plot to blow up Hitler.
08:55Thus the aided scourge of Europe, who dies the painful death for which the free world has been praying.
09:01Mimi.
09:03Manners.
09:05Look, Helga, I have no wish to know about any of this.
09:08But do you not see?
09:09If it is true and the colonel is tortured, we will all be implicated.
09:14What?
09:14Because he may reveal that Lieutenant Gruber is painting a forgery of the former Madonna with the big boobies.
09:20And the Van Gogh with the big daisies.
09:23How lucky he did not paint the fan dancer.
09:30General Von Klinkerhofen has an appointment to see the colonel at this very hour.
09:34I must warn him at once.
09:45Wait outside the doors.
09:48Announce me.
09:50Yes, General.
09:51You are new here, are you not?
09:52My name is Irma Von Klinkenhofen. I am only temporary.
09:57Wait.
09:58The top button of your jacket is undone. Attend to it.
10:00Yes, General.
10:05Sir!
10:07The seam of your right stocking is crooked.
10:09Sit to it.
10:14You have good legs.
10:15Pity about the limp.
10:21General Von Klinkerhofen.
10:23Ah, good morning, General. Nice to see you.
10:26Heil Hitler!
10:27Oh, yes. Heil Hitler!
10:30I've been busily engaged, acquiring novelties for the party to celebrate Hitler's birthday.
10:36Unfortunately, the Fuhrer will not be with us.
10:37But we will have suitable celebrations with some of my generals and the senior officers.
10:41It will be most jolly.
10:43Von Smallhausen, can you hear me?
10:44Yes, Sir Flick.
10:46Yes, Sir Flick.
10:46I am watching two ladybirds engaged in a most unusual activity.
10:51Pay attention.
10:52The General is talking to the Colonel.
10:55Put on your earphones and activate the secret microphone on the Colonel's desk.
10:59At once, Sir Flick.
11:05Here is the seating plan for Hitler's birthday party.
11:09Ah, the seating plan. Good.
11:12I thought we could place the Fuhrer on a chair at the head of the table like this.
11:18A nice touch. I approve.
11:20There is to be a party.
11:22Hitler will be placed at the head of the table.
11:24I am writing this down. Keep listening.
11:27And here is the menu for your approval.
11:30Ah, I will approve this document personally.
11:33After coffee, we will put on something like this.
11:40And what do you think of this?
11:48Quite amusing.
11:49It changes your appearance completely.
11:52They will be wearing disguise.
11:55Keep listening.
11:56I have found a supplier who can let me have two cases of these.
12:01Oh, two cases. That is a lot.
12:02Who is going to do the blowing up?
12:04Not me. Not at my age.
12:06No, we need a younger man.
12:08If we get Gruber to do it.
12:09The General intends to make Herr Gruber do the blowing up of Hitler.
12:13Not a pity. Hitler will not be here to enjoy it.
12:20Ah, that will be Gruber now.
12:35Lieutenant Gruber, you have barged into this office without knocking, and you have put a riding glove over a daffodil.
12:41What is your explanation for this conduct?
12:46What?
12:46The daffodil contains a microphone planted by the Gestapo to eavesdrop on your conversation.
12:52This is outrageous!
12:53Who is responsible?
12:54Herr Flick.
12:55He is even now in your outer office, disguised as a female secretary of the opposite sex.
13:02Now, it's in here!
13:03General, what are you doing?
13:05I'm going to place him in custody.
13:07General, you cannot arrest Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
13:10True, but I can arrest a female secretary of the opposite sex.
13:15Arrest that woman out there and take her to the dungeons of my shuttle.
13:18Yes, Herr General.
13:21That should keep the Gestapo out of our hair for a while.
13:31Edis!
13:33What is your problem, Mama?
13:35Oh, Edis, last night I prayed that I would once again see my sister in Avignon.
13:43I awoke to find God had sent me a bicycle.
13:48The bicycle is for the wireless, Mama.
13:53Quick!
13:54Keep the bed!
13:55One, two, three, out!
13:58Check the front of it.
14:00Now, London will be through at any moment.
14:03The bicycle is connected to the radio.
14:07We need 12 volts!
14:12Faster! Faster!
14:16I feel like a mad hamster.
14:20Faster! Faster!
14:22Faster! Faster!
14:24It's such a potty power to see!
14:27Faster!
14:29It's flashing!
14:30Oh!
14:32Click the radio!
14:34Oh, your breasts are very hot.
14:36Your shorts are very thin.
14:40Hello, Natog! Hello, Natog!
14:43Pass your message. Over.
14:45Louise cannot wait at school books without her glasses.
14:48Louise cannot wait at school books without her glasses.
14:52Look, am I busting my lungs here so that the RAF can drop a pair of spectacles to some stupid
14:57schoolgirl?
14:58Why, why, why can she not go to the opticians?
15:03It is cold!
15:04We need spy cameras to photograph the plans of the invasion that are in the safe that we are going
15:09to blow up!
15:10Hello, Natog!
15:11We will look up the cottage.
15:13It may take a few minutes.
15:15I cannot wait. There is about to be a power cut.
15:18We need spy cameras!
15:20They will be delivered.
15:22Do you have the British Airmen?
15:25The British Airmen. One moment.
15:26Oh, my God!
15:28I am knackered!
15:31Hello!
15:33London!
15:34Oh, it's not a good show!
15:37Hello, London! We are here.
15:40Wing Commander Belbridge here.
15:42Sorry you've had no mail.
15:44We've got a couple of letters here.
15:45There's one for Fairfax. I'll read it.
15:48Oh, all right, then.
15:49It's from Daphne.
15:50Yeah.
15:51Dear Cuddles.
15:53This is a very difficult letter to write, but here goes.
15:58Randy Harvey and I went on a golfing holiday to St Andrews in Scotland.
16:02Oh, this is ridiculous.
16:04I will have to have a rest.
16:06Keep going! Turn! Peddle!
16:09I think they are losing the message. Keep bittling!
16:12All right!
16:14And so, to cut a long story short, I found myself in the club.
16:20Yours faithfully, Daphne.
16:23What do you make of that, Fairfax?
16:27Lucky girls.
16:28And Andrews is a jolly hard club to get into.
16:36You have a visitor, Fraulein Kinkenroch.
16:39This way.
16:44You have three minutes.
16:47Herr Flick, it is I, von Smallhausen.
16:50How did you get in here?
16:52I told the guard it was flag day.
16:54You look ridiculous.
16:56I have opened your secret drawer, and I have brought for you your suicide pin.
17:01Crush it between your teeth, and nobody will know what a fool you've made of yourself.
17:06You are very, very stupid, von Smallhausen.
17:10I, on the other hand, am not chained up in a dungeon.
17:14You will get a message to my godfather, Heinrich Himmler, in Berlin, and you will explain my predicament.
17:19Yes, Herr Flick, what is his address?
17:21Himmler, Berlin.
17:23He is very famous.
17:25In the meantime, you will think of a way to get me out of here.
17:28What are you doing?
17:29I told the guard I was injecting you against bubonic plague.
17:33It's just a sugar solution.
17:37Pretend to give it to me and go.
17:39Yes, Herr Flick.
17:39Aaaaaaah!
18:08Aaaaaaah!
18:09What in heaven's name did you put them in sausages?
18:12Nobody told me they did not want them in sausages.
18:14What was I supposed to put them in?
18:16Oh, never mind.
18:17Here's the original we're going to sell after the war.
18:19This is the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp.
18:24And this and this are forgeries.
18:26This is the cracked vase with the big daisies by Van Gogh.
18:30And those two are forgeries.
18:31Now, you will remember, Colonel, that I am to have the original Van Gogh and the two forgeries are to
18:36go to the general.
18:37One for Hitler and one for the general which the general thinks is the original.
18:40Correct.
18:41I think.
18:43Pardon me for asking, Lieutenant, but how will we know which sausage contains which painting?
18:48They all have secret markings.
18:50Well, thank you.
18:51Which are known only to me.
18:53This will ensure that I am not diddled out of my piece of the action.
18:58Oh, welcome, Captain Batterelli.
19:05Colnello, my beautiful friend.
19:08And then...
19:13Ah, Helga!
19:17Look what my mama send for us from Italy.
19:21What?
19:21The black of the market, salami.
19:25Take the sniff.
19:27It's beautiful, no?
19:29They are present for the beautiful lady, Signora Edis.
19:34First she get the flowers.
19:36Then she get the sausages.
19:39Then she get the meat.
19:42Oh, thank you, Captain Alberto.
19:45You are most gallant.
19:49Now I go to the bar before the cut the hair, so I look for the ladies, the Pisa Nisa.
19:56See ya.
20:00Oh, look.
20:01We have mixed them all up. Now we do not know which is which.
20:04Then we can't sort them out here.
20:06There are too many people about.
20:08Take them away and hide them, really.
20:10Oh, thank you.
20:14Lovely sausages!
20:16Lovely sausages!
20:19We'll buy a sausage from a poor old wandering sausage seller.
20:25Get lost.
20:29It is I, LeClaire.
20:32Go away. We are over-sausaged.
20:39I have for you the batteries from the submarine.
20:44You will notice that each one has got a terminal, electric terminal at this end and this end.
20:58Good morning.
21:06I am wicking in a ginger fashion because my pelusman's pints are full of dinamote.
21:32The dinamote is inside the sisages.
21:36Thank you, officer. You could not have come at a better time.
21:40Forget about your business.
21:42General von Klinkerhofen is getting out of his car.
21:45General von Klinkerhofen!
21:46But hide them!
21:47Hide them! Where am I supposed to hide them?
21:48He's coming!
21:49He's coming!
21:50Oh, my God!
21:51What? What?
22:09General von Klinkerhofen!
22:11General von Klinkerhofen!
22:15Herr Hitler!
22:15Herr Hitler!
22:18Batteries have been stolen from a miniature submarine.
22:22Whoever has those batteries in their possession will be shot.
22:25You will come with me and we will conduct an immediate search of the town.
22:28Do you understand?
22:29Yes, Herr General!
22:30Yes, Herr General!
22:30Now go!
22:33Follow me!
22:41René!
22:42Which one of them has the batteries down his trousers?
22:45But what?
22:48She's gonna get out of my mind.
22:48There are four flowers, there are four flowers.