- 2 days ago
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00:02What a morning this has been!
00:04My wife, Edith, has just been going through all her songs with her new pianist.
00:08He, by a strange coincidence, just happens to be the twin brother of Monsieur Leclerc, the old forger.
00:14Ernest, for that is his name, was being visited by Roger in the Nick,
00:18where he was serving a rather long sentence for driving a getaway car without due care and attention.
00:24Anyway, Roger decided to swap places with his brother
00:26because he was of the opinion that the prison food was better than that being served here by my wife,
00:31Edith.
00:32And so, Ernest has now got his feet well and truly under our table.
00:35But it will only be a short while before he realises just how right his brother was about the food.
00:46What did I tell you?
00:48So, if you will bear with me.
00:49Now, those of you with good memories may recall that a few months ago,
00:53upon the orders of General von Klinkerofen, I was arrested, put in front of a firing squad, and shot.
00:59Fortunately, the colonel substituted wooden bullets for the real ones.
01:02Lieutenant Gruber, who was in charge of the shooting party, was unaware of this
01:06and still believes that I am my own twin brother.
01:09Uh, Lieutenant Gruber, you may remember, is the one who fancies me.
01:14He also fancied my twin brother.
01:17Which is hardly surprising because that was me as well.
01:20Are you with me so far?
01:22So, in order to keep up the illusion, from time to time, Edith and I place flowers upon my grave.
01:27Well, the grave is...
01:29So, there we are.
01:30A fitting tribute to a fine and much-loved man.
01:33Me.
01:36Ah, Renée.
01:37Yvette, where is your act?
01:39Are you not going with me to the cemetery?
01:41No, I have an appointment at the hairdressers.
01:45Renée, would you place for me upon your grave this tribute?
01:48Ah.
01:48The village expects it.
01:55The village would not expect that.
01:59Renée.
02:01Edith.
02:02You are not coming to pay respects to my sacred memory in your curlers.
02:05I am not coming at all.
02:07How quickly they forget.
02:09I have not forgotten.
02:11Then you have flowers for me.
02:13You are hiding them behind your back.
02:14I thought you could take from me this rhubarb.
02:16The stalks are too floppy to make puddings.
02:19But the leaves are quite pretty.
02:21Edith, I will not be remembered with floppy rhubarb.
02:25Renée.
02:26And I am not having that on my grave, I am.
02:29I was dusting.
02:30You are wanted in the back room by Michelle of the Resistance.
02:32Oh, Eck.
02:33Why can she not take her business elsewhere?
02:40I am glad I caught you in time.
02:42We do not wish you to go near the churchyard, in case the Germans suspect something is going
02:46on there.
02:46What could be going on there?
02:49Beneath the empty grave, which is supposed to contain the body of your dead twin brother,
02:53we are building a communication centre.
02:55Six undertakers have been for the last six weeks, day and night, excavating.
03:00What is wrong with the radio in the bedroom of my mother?
03:03The Germans jam it.
03:04We have a new plan of escape for the British Airmen.
03:07We must be able to contact England to tell them when to put it into effect.
03:10We need a bigger aerial to give our signal more power.
03:14It will be ready for testing within the next 24 hours.
03:17When I give the word, we will all go to the churchyard and place on your grave flowers.
03:22For this reason, you must not go today.
03:24I do not think this rhubarb will last until tomorrow.
03:33Make a pie for your mother.
03:37I must leave you in gratis.
03:38I am late for bomb practice.
03:43I think they have started without you.
03:46Honey, Officer Crabtree is coming across the square.
03:49Well, he is not coming in my café again.
03:51That appalling French accent of his will get us all shocked.
03:54Good morning.
03:59What a nice do it is with the sin shoning and not a clot in the sky.
04:05Yes, it is indeed a lovely do.
04:08Will you please pass off?
04:14I have good nose.
04:16The British nabby have a plin.
04:22An aeroplinn?
04:24No, a rescue plin for the British ear men.
04:27That is indeed good nose.
04:29Don't you starve.
04:31This is the plin.
04:33This is the plin.
04:33When the time is root, they will wick down the canal to the ostuary, where they will be pocked up
04:38by a submarine.
04:43How are they supposed to walk down the canal?
04:45They are six feet tall.
04:47The canal is eight feet deep.
04:49They will drown.
04:50That is the clever bot.
04:52On their hods, they will carry an upturned tin bath.
04:57No, he has lost me.
05:00Huh?
05:01I think he means a tin bath.
05:03Yes!
05:03They have just practiced, and it wicks.
05:12They have just practiced, and it wicks.
05:21There!
05:23If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it.
05:31If you do not mind me saying, Herr Flick, you will soon wear a hole in our commandeered carpet.
05:38I will continue pacing until I have found an answer to my question.
05:42If I knew the question, perhaps I could be of help.
05:45Your single brain cell would be better employed putting on the kettle.
05:50Yes, Herr Flick.
05:53Stop!
05:55I have got it.
05:56May my single brain cell ask what you have got?
06:00The answer to the question that has vexed us ever since we first occupied this town.
06:06How do we pull the crumpet?
06:10That is not the question that has vexed us.
06:12It has vexed me.
06:15The question is this.
06:18How do we discover who hides the British airmen when they have been shot down?
06:23Answer.
06:24We disguise ourselves as British airmen who have been shot down.
06:28I wish I had thought of that.
06:30You are too busy thinking about crumpet.
06:34Question two.
06:35How do we convince the resistance that we are genuine British airmen?
06:39We carry cricket bats.
06:42We carry cricket bats.
06:43Oh, I'm thinking.
06:44But rather obvious.
06:46No.
06:48We wear British uniforms and we both jump out of a captured British Wellington.
06:54A British Wellington's big enough.
06:59I'm talking about a British Wellington bomber.
07:03The resistance will then take us to their secret headquarters.
07:06We will make a note of its whereabouts and their identities and we will return with the army to effect
07:12the capture.
07:12Oh, a most ingenious plan, Herr Flick.
07:16I cannot see it failing.
07:19Then we have but one task.
07:20To learn enough English to fool the French.
07:24Fortunately, the Gestapo have provided a comprehensive record library.
07:30Here it is.
07:32Tibetan in three months.
07:36There will be big bombers over the white cliffs of Dover tomorrow.
07:40Just you wait and see.
07:43Sung by Goering.
07:46Here's the one.
07:48How to fool the French that you are English in one easy lesson.
07:55Here is the English to fool the French peasants.
07:58Repeat after me.
08:01Em.
08:01Ee-e-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-e-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
08:07-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh, quais...
08:15–Private A AGA!
08:17The beautiful lady, I kiss your hand!
08:20Muah!
08:20What are you doing with my typewriter?
08:22I compose for you...
08:24the beautiful a poem you listen good you're a wonderful smile drives me out of my wits
08:32i love your eyes and your captain bertarelli
08:37and your other nice bits i got a surprise and i hope that it fits
08:46captain bertarelli already wife from italy the silica liberty bodies see
08:54in it there is a lot of liberty
08:58i must go the colonel wants me we all are one to you
09:06you called colonel i've been calling you for half an hour where you've been i've been with her flick
09:12and what nastiness is he cooking up i have to report he has a most ingenious plan to find out
09:18who is
09:18helping the british airmen to escape her flick and herr von schmordhausen intend to disguise themselves
09:24as british airmen so that the resistance will pick them up and take them to their secret hiding place
09:28i do not like the idea of the gestapo being successful where we have failed but colonel
09:33suppose the trail should lead to the cafe and renee if renee's involved it's entirely his own fault
09:40we've warned him often enough could we not drop him a hint no gruber i absolutely forbid you to drop
09:46anything
09:50he's the good man he has the nice wife the nice serving girls what are you want to drop him
09:56in the
09:57watsit because if general von klinkerhofen finds out that we've tipped him off we could all be shot
10:03could we not make an anonymous call lieutenant gruber that's the great idea you make him the anonymous
10:08call i i would willingly do this but i fear that he would recognize the tone of my voice you're
10:15quite
10:15right gruber i will make the call put over the mouth a piece the anchor chief like in the gangster
10:20movies
10:21with the humphrey bogat how does humphrey bogat do it uh mission sweetheart
10:30get out of town or you're gonna find yourself wearing a concrete overcoater
10:33all right all right i've got it
10:38it's me
11:02now colonel do you wish to order a table
11:11i think the colonel must be going around the twist
11:14he mentioned something about the concrete overcoat
11:17we was probably referring to your wife's pastry
11:23oh renee how i long for the day when i can cook for you
11:28so do i even i promise there will always be something hot on the table for you
11:39i can just imagine oh renee
11:43hold me crush the breath from my body with your strong arms kiss me so that the great surging tide
11:50of emotion drowns me in ecstasy well i suppose i could try
12:00what are you doing with that girl you stupid woman
12:09are you not aware that this girl has not been to the dentist for three months
12:13you never check the servant's teeth she has a great big bad molar in the back there
12:18oh oh oh i am so sorry i have let you down
12:24can you forgive me well just this once but do not let it happen again now if you go into
12:29the
12:30kitchen bite on a clove of garlic for the pain uh i will book you into the dentist
12:35what are you doing out of bed i am fed up with bed loneliness and and sin soup
12:48to think that once i was the most talked about woman in paris mama we talk about you yes we
12:56say
12:56what is the old bat up to now well it is all about to come to an end oh mama
13:05do not say that you
13:07have years left certainly months monsieur ernest leclerc has asked me to marry him and i intend to accept
13:19to mama my god he is a fast worker he's only been here 24 hours ernest has
13:25the kindled the dying embers of my love i am surprised he has any wind left in his bellows
13:34do not insult him he is clear of i young at art and uh well uh the rest of him
13:46is coming along quite well
14:02i have something for i i i have a ring for you see look how it sparkles in the light
14:12oh ernest it is
14:14a whopper oh but uh how could you afford such a ring you forget the trade i was in when
14:25we met
14:26was he a jeweler he was a burglar
14:29say come with me to the town square and i will tell the world of our love yes off you
14:34go your
14:35wheelchair and crutches are just outside do not worry you're not losing a mother-in-law you are gaining a
14:42father-in-law oh my god mama when will the happy event take place
14:52as soon as possible after we are married what a stupid
15:06general von klinkhofen
15:13i am most dissatisfied with the way you are running this town you have not arrested anybody
15:18in the resistance you will fail to find any trace of any missing airmen it has now come to my
15:23attention
15:23that there is curious activity in the churchyard mounds of earth are appearing all over the place
15:28but nobody is being buried cuba arrest mr alphonse the undertaker and we will interrogate him i have
15:34already arrested him but i am not satisfied with your interrogation procedures i intend to remain here
15:40now while you question him let him be brought in bring him in here
15:51you may dismiss
15:56now then colonel interrogate him go ahead
16:09look around him slowly looking at him closely then stand behind him this always puts them in a
16:17state of anxiety what the general says is quite correct
16:27what is your name we know his name are distinct guidelines in the manual of interrogation use them
16:34of course general
16:37ah yes right then now listen to me carefully and understand this we know everything in that case
16:47can i go ask him about the mountains of earth of course what about the mountains of earth
16:56what months of earth we're after questions
17:08where exactly did you see them general in the graveyard
17:12in the graveyard why are little mounds of earth appearing in the graveyard could it perhaps be the moles
17:21that seems a perfectly logical explanation
17:24not to me you are up to something six of your grave diggers have been at work night and day
17:31but no one
17:33is getting buried how do you account for this well you see general in the summer time when business is
17:40like we try to stock up for the winter
17:45that is the time when they pop off
17:48are you satisfied with this explanation colonel definitely not general well i am
17:55and be more careful in future yes general my card
18:02uh 24-hour service i will bury you swiftly and with style
18:09and if your garden should require attention i also do edge cutting and re-turfing go away
18:18keep an eye on the graveyard i'm not satisfied with this explanation but general when i said i was not
18:25satisfied you were very cross colonel sometimes you are as thick as two short fat planks
18:52i don't wait for the
19:03Where have you been? I've been waiting an hour.
19:07The operation must be cancelled.
19:09I've just been interrogated by the very nasty general with the piggy face.
19:13Would you reveal anything?
19:14Nothing. But they suspect something.
19:17We will have to risk it. The airmen are ready to make their rendezvous.
19:21This evening we must use the radio to alert England so that a submarine can be sent.
19:25Is it working?
19:27This is our mechanical aerials expert.
19:29I see. She would make anything work.
19:34Show him.
19:36The slab.
19:43The aerial.
19:51Enough.
19:53Does it not go higher?
19:55It rises to 20 feet above ground level.
19:57But we must not risk that the Germans could see it.
19:59My God. What ingenuity.
20:02What a remarkable mind you must possess, mademoiselle.
20:05The idea came to me late at night in my bed.
20:13Sometimes one does get the best ideas there.
20:17But they don't last long.
20:28There are customers to be served. We need you behind the bar.
20:32I have a message for Rennie from Michelle.
20:34Rennie, Michelle has a message for you.
20:37How unusual.
20:39Michelle says you are to go to your grave.
20:41What?
20:43The one where your twin brother is buried.
20:45You will take these flowers and here is the message that you are to send to England on the radio.
20:50Look, why me? Why can you not send a message?
20:53Because you are the hero of the resistance.
20:55London will only respond to your voice.
20:57Michelle says the halo, which operates the opening of the slab, has gone wonky.
21:02You will have to press the cherub's buzzer.
21:08And where is the cherub's buzzer?
21:10Here is a picture of the cherub. The arrow points to his buzzer.
21:19Well, I hope the vicar is not looking out of his window.
21:23He will score at once. I will look after the bar.
21:25And I will do the cab away.
21:27Just look after the bar.
21:34Ah, Helga.
21:36Shut the door.
21:38Be sure that no one approaches.
21:40I am calling Rennie.
21:42In case he does not take seriously the Colonel's warning.
21:45It is in all our interests that he keeps clean his nose.
21:49Hello?
21:50May I speak, please, to Rennie?
21:53Oh.
21:54Oh, dear.
21:57He has gone to the churchyard to place flowers on the grave of his brother.
22:02The one you shot?
22:05I am afraid so.
22:07You will understand, Helga, that I still feel most uncomfortable about that matter.
22:13I feel his presence, you know.
22:15I wake at night, seeing him at the end of the bed.
22:19He points his finger at me and he says,
22:22J'accuse!
22:23J'accuse!
22:25Who is this J'accuse?
22:29I have no idea.
22:31I feel that I, too, should place flowers on his grave.
22:35Unfortunately, I have no flowers and the shops will be shut.
22:38I will commandeer some from the grave of a peasant.
22:41No, Helga, that would not be appropriate.
22:44We will steal some from the Colonel's garden.
22:54Have we been seen?
22:57No, the coast is clear.
22:59Press the cherub's buzzer.
23:03The car is clear.
23:14The car is clear.
23:21Quick!
23:23The car is clear!
23:29Mr. René.
23:30Huh?
23:31Did you on your way see a girl?
23:33Very tall.
23:36Macintosh.
23:37Bare legs, little white socks, long blonde hair, black shoes with high heels.
23:41Not that I recall, no.
23:43In that case, there is no one to operate this very complicated machinery.
23:47Oh dear, what a pity. Let us go home.
23:49No, we will wait for her.
23:51No, no, no. The message must be delivered in 30 seconds from now.
23:55Perhaps she will turn up?
23:57No!
24:03Churchyards are very spooky, are they not?
24:06Yes.
24:08There is a strange chill.
24:10I feel the presence of René's twin brother most strongly.
24:14Let us quickly place the flowers on his tomb and return to the warmth of our quarters.
24:19I think it is just over there.
24:21It is time.
24:23She is not here. We can go now.
24:25Mr. René, for the honor of France, I must try to recall the correct procedure.
24:32Yes.
24:34You keep the microphone. Now, I will turn on the transmitter. Madame Edith will operate the switch.
24:41Right?
24:41Let us see the window, René.
24:44First, the left.
24:48There it is. I feel his presence even more strongly.
24:52Now, the other one.
25:10You are forgiven, my son.
25:20That was a terrible experience.
25:23But at least he hasn't mentioned Jack Hughes.