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00:01Life has become very hectic for me since the Germans appointed me editor of the new local newspaper.
00:07I am supposed to make them seem like nice people, but it is not an easy task.
00:12I still have not recovered from the picnic organized by General von Klinkeroffen
00:15to show the human side of the German army, which was spoilt by Herr Flick and Herr von Schmolhausen of
00:21the Gestapo.
00:22They were up a nearby telegraph pole, which had been partially sawn through
00:26to make a raft to get the British airmen to England.
00:29The pole fell over.
00:31Herr Flick and his colleague landed splat in the middle of the picnic,
00:36ruining the trifle and custard, not to mention their trousers.
00:40And I still have the picnic bill here, unpaid.
00:48Oh, Michelle, you will give me an heart attack, creeping around like that.
00:52I was walking behind you like a shadow.
00:55I saw three shadows and I thought it was strange.
00:59I must speak with you urgently.
01:01And I want to talk to you too.
01:02When are you going to get those idiot British airmen out of my air?
01:04I am getting some grey ones.
01:06Oh, I do not know.
01:07Since the Gestapo ruined our plan to build a raft of telegraph poles,
01:11we are now going to have to use empty wine barrels instead.
01:13But that is not why I have come.
01:15Then why?
01:16The Resistance have run out of funds.
01:18I am looking for donations.
01:20Come on.
01:20Cuff up.
01:21Cuff up.
01:22We are desperate.
01:23We do not have any money to give you.
01:24Oh, this café is a thriving business.
01:26I think the Resistance should get a regular cut of the takings.
01:29Where is the money?
01:30We have not taken any money and giving money away is out of the question.
01:34You wouldn't want any accidents to happen, would you?
01:37What sort of accidents?
01:51That kind of accident.
01:53Oh, my God.
01:57Come on, we are desperate and slack broke.
02:00Oh, a few lousy francs.
02:01What valuables do you have to sell for our funds?
02:04We do not have any valuables.
02:05Rene, what about the painting of the four-room Madonna with the big boobies?
02:09What painting?
02:10The one you made me give to Airflick of the Gestapo.
02:12It must be worth millions.
02:14Then we must get it back and sell it.
02:16With the money we can buy food and guns and ammunition.
02:19And shampoo.
02:21Oh, yes, of course.
02:22I've made a note of that.
02:23I will go and discuss it with my girls.
02:25We will come up with a plan.
02:27If I have a good idea, I will let you know.
02:29If you have a good idea, we will let the old town know.
02:32Why did you have to open your big mouth about that painting?
02:34I did it for France.
02:36She is a fanatic, that one.
02:38But we must help Michelle to get the painting back to sell after the war.
02:41But then she will have it, not you.
02:43Better in her hands than in the safe of Airflick.
02:45We will find a way to steal it from Michelle.
02:47Oh, my mad brave husband.
02:49It is a dangerous plan.
02:51If you are caught at it, you can be shot.
02:54It is a risk I have often taken.
02:56A few million francs can make a man awfully courageous.
03:00Oh, René.
03:01Put your arm around me.
03:03Give me some of your courage.
03:05Oh.
03:08That is all I can spare at the moment.
03:11Every bit helps.
03:14Special delivery from Berlin, Herr Flick.
03:18Ah, it is from my godfather, Heinrich Himmler.
03:21I recognize the scented notepaper.
03:24Let us hope he has not heard about the cock-up on the telegraph pole.
03:30Dear Otto, I have heard about the cock-up on the telegraph pole.
03:36Word gets about quickly, Herr Flick.
03:39Silence.
03:40I am most displeased about it.
03:43I have heard rumors that you have been consulting with women of the opposite sex.
03:49Only sissies go out with girls, and I expect you to stop immediately.
03:54Uncle Heine is cutting off our extracurricular crumpet.
03:59He does not say anything about me, Herr Flick.
04:02P.S.
04:02And that goes for your midget friend as well.
04:07See who it is.
04:08Who is out there?
04:09It is I!
04:10Helga!
04:11We are not allowed to talk to girls!
04:13Let her in, von Smallhausen.
04:15I must break the bad news to her.
04:18It's so cold out there.
04:20My news is running.
04:21Sit down, Helga.
04:22I have bad news for you.
04:25I realize that you will never have met such a powerful, virile man as I.
04:30After me, all men will be an anti-climax, I know.
04:34But I must end it all now.
04:36Are my ears hearing me correctly?
04:38Take this handkerchief.
04:39You will need it.
04:41I am afraid our relationship is finished.
04:43The love affair of the century is over.
04:47You may let the tears commence.
04:54But, Herr Flick, after all my devotion and loyalty to you.
04:58You have not been that devoted, Helga.
05:00You have dallied with the Italian captain.
05:03Lips other than mine have touched yours.
05:06Garlic stained lips.
05:08How dare you!
05:10After all I've done for you, you conceited little pig!
05:13I do not recall any of these things.
05:16She was insulting me, not you.
05:20I am afraid, Helga, that you have just talked yourself out of the share I was saving for you
05:25in the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
05:28You have not got it!
05:29It is in my safe, so there.
05:30Well, that is not possible!
05:31From there did you get it!
05:32I am not telling you.
05:33That will teach you to insult me.
05:35Now, hand one small house in your key to the dungeon.
05:43Oh, it is still hot!
05:46Put it on the table.
05:47Now go.
05:48And do not look back.
05:51Do not think I care about a painting.
05:53I would not take a gift from you if I was starving and penniless.
05:56But let me tell you something else, Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
06:00No!
06:00I've had more thrills staying in and reading the collected speeches of Goebbels in Servo-Cruet
06:05than in going out with you!
06:13She took it like a man, Herr Flick!
06:17She has also just ruined my best Gestapo suit.
06:20Uncle Heini is right.
06:22We are better off without women.
06:24In that case, I've always been better off.
06:29Since I let it be known the newspaper was looking for somebody to encapsulate the true spirit of Nuvion,
06:34we have been inundated with photographs of young women.
06:41Oh, my dicky dicker!
06:46We cannot stand the excitement!
06:48Oh, hello, René!
06:50Hello, Monsieur Alphonse.
06:51I have come to be photographed for your spirit of Nuvion contest.
06:55Oh, Madame Edith.
06:57We thank you for gracing our small newspaper office with your presence.
07:02I will arrange for you a stool.
07:05Edith, you are not seriously entering the contest, are you?
07:08René, you of all people should know that I have the perfect qualities you said you wanted.
07:13Beauty, strength, virtue.
07:16Well, one out of three is a start, doesn't it?
07:19But you are the editor. Surely your decision is final.
07:22I am only the editor because the Colonel forced a job on me.
07:24But it would look bad if I showed favoritism.
07:27Well, in that case, I shall have to take my chance for the rest of the competition.
07:30If there is any.
07:34Ah!
07:34I have come to be photographed for the spirit of Nuvion contest.
07:37What are you doing away from your post at the bar?
07:40Well, Mimi is there.
07:41And I am here because I have strength, virtue and beauty.
07:44Certainly two out of three.
07:47I only at the moment have one photograph plate, mademoiselle.
07:51Yvette, go and sit next to Edith.
07:52We will photograph you together and cut the photo in half.
07:57Mimi, what are you doing here?
07:59I have come to be photographed for the spirit of Nuvion contest.
08:02Oh.
08:02Have I met the qualifications required?
08:04Oh, yes.
08:05It is just that they are in a smaller package.
08:08What is she doing here?
08:10I thought you were feeding the chickens.
08:12I am having my photo taken for the contest.
08:14No! Don't bother.
08:16I am entering the competition, so you have no chance.
08:19The judges are bound to pick me.
08:20Oh, only if you bribe them first.
08:23How dare you!
08:24Ow! Ow!
08:27Please keep your girls under control, monsieur.
08:30Yes, stop that. Stop it!
08:31Now, we will photograph you all together and cut it into three.
08:36Now, sit down and behave.
08:37Yes, Renee.
08:40Now, let me see the true spirit of Nuvion.
08:49Sir, after what I have just seen, it's going to make a very hard decision.
08:57I will go and get this developed in the privacy of my dark room.
09:02Where I also keep my blood pressure pills.
09:07Now, no more squabbling.
09:08All right, you two, get back and look after the cafe.
09:11And be assured, the decision of the editor is final.
09:15Yes, Renee.
09:18Oh, Renee. You are so good for those girls.
09:21They need a strict discipline.
09:23I do my best, Edith.
09:28Good morning.
09:30Good morning.
09:32Monsieur LeClocq said that I would fond you here, Ronnie.
09:35I have a massage from Michelle.
09:38And what is the massage?
09:40It is about the punting of the Phil and Medina with the bog BBs.
09:49We will tunnel into the Dungeon of Air Flick from the old disused bakery next door
09:55and steal the painting from his safe tonight.
09:57Oh, yes, yes.
09:58I suppose she thinks that I keep a road drill under my bed.
10:02Not to mention a welding machine.
10:04Oh, she has gone mad.
10:05Monsieur LeClocq is an experienced soft-bricker.
10:09He is already a groat to do it and he has the towels to do the jib.
10:15But Air Flick and Air Van Smallarsen will be in the dungeon tonight.
10:19You must get them out.
10:20How?
10:21You must telephone them anonymously and say that a secret massage will be pissed in your cafe tonight.
10:31The massage will be filth, but it will leer them away from their dingin.
10:37Oh, she has thought of everything.
10:39How comforting.
10:42Michelle will rendezvous with you in the square at half-pissed tin.
10:49I do not recall having a rendezvous in the square since I was a bachelor.
10:59You make that move, he take your pawn.
11:02Be quiet.
11:03It's all part of my game plan.
11:09Checkmate.
11:11That's impossible.
11:13I withdraw my move.
11:16Any complaint will be regarded as unsporting.
11:19I withdraw.
11:21I was being too hasty.
11:27Oh, dear.
11:27I'm sorry, Coronel.
11:28I seem to have checkmated you.
11:30In that case, you have a tricky problem to solve.
11:40I have some intelligence which you may find most interesting.
11:43What is this intelligence, Helga?
11:45Her flick has somehow obtained the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
11:48It is in his safe.
11:49But, Helga, you do still have the key to his dungeon.
11:54In a fit of pique, I gave it back.
11:56Helga, you should have made a copy.
11:59How can we get in to steal the painting?
12:02Could you not disguise yourselves as resistance desperados and blow down the door?
12:07There, but her flick and his little pygmy friend, they inside.
12:11All the better.
12:12You sticks them up with guns and makes them open the safe.
12:16You get the painting, the resistance gets the blame.
12:19Well, it does have a certain crude simplicity.
12:22But I really don't think I fancy the role of desperado.
12:26We can use better any's men.
12:28How do I get a cut of the action when we sell the painting?
12:31We give you our words.
12:32Okie dokie.
12:33But I tell them it's a training exercise or they want a cut of the action.
12:36Very well. We'll do it tonight at midnight.
12:42Good afternoon.
12:44Gestapo secret headquarters.
12:46Can I help you?
12:47This is a friend.
12:49Give me Herr Flick, please.
12:51We have a friend, Herr Flick.
12:53Our first.
12:55Perhaps you'd like to come round for tea one afternoon.
12:58This is the Gestapo von Smallhausen, not the Women's Institute.
13:02This is Herr Flick.
13:04If you go to Café René tonight at just before 10 o'clock,
13:08you might see a secret message being passed which could be of interest to you.
13:14And what is this message?
13:16He has run off.
13:17What did he say?
13:19We must go to the Café René this evening to intercept a secret message.
13:23This could put us back in Uncle Heine's good books.
13:26But surely they would not pass a message if they see two sinister figures like us, Herr Flick.
13:32Figures that strike terror into the eyes of all that behold them.
13:36As they limp through the mists of the narrow cobbled streets of Nouvien
13:42to keep their date with destiny.
13:46Do not let that Peter Lorre film we saw last night completely dominate your mind, Von Smallhausen.
13:51I'm sorry, Herr Flick.
13:52We will go in disguise.
13:54I shall go as a debonair man about town.
13:57You will go as my lady companion.
13:59What the hell? I have nothing to wear.
14:01In the Gestapo disguise cupboard, a very pretty pink frock.
14:06You will also find a box of accessories.
14:09Will we be on our first date or are we going steady?
14:12What has that got to do with it?
14:15Well, it will influence my choice of undergarments.
14:18Do not mention undergarments, Von Smallhausen.
14:21It reminds me too much of the fruit my Uncle Heine has forbidden me to pick.
14:25I'm sorry, Herr Flick.
14:26Go and titivate yourself immediately and make sure you shave your legs.
14:31Is that necessary?
14:31Senior Gestapo officers do not go out on the town with hairy-legged midgets.
14:41Is it true blondes have more fun?
14:44Yes, but not in your case.
14:48And love fell out with me.
15:02Good evening, Monsieur. Good evening, Madame.
15:05Good evening.
15:06Good evening.
15:07I'm afraid you have just missed the singing.
15:10We are music lovers, so that is good news.
15:13Bring me the wine list.
15:14Of course, Monsieur.
15:16It is Herr Flick and Herr von Schmolhausen in disguise at the table there.
15:20The plan is working.
15:22Just act normally. Get to the door, give Monsieur Leclerc the signal.
15:25Yes.
15:26I will just see if it is raining.
15:32It is not raining.
15:35The wine list, Monsieur.
15:38Shall we order champagne?
15:40Certainly not.
15:41I do not buy champagne for ugly girls like you.
15:46But Otto, darling, surely we could splash out on a bottle of Barclay.
15:50Do not push your luck, von Schmolhausen.
15:54Do you think it will work?
15:55Providing Monsieur Leclerc has not gone to sleep in a doorway.
15:58He has been out there an hour.
16:00I do hope he looks suspicious enough.
16:05You cannot look much more suspicious than that.
16:09Matches! Lovely matches!
16:10Who will buy some matches for me, poor old match seller?
16:14Come over here with me by the bar, poor old match seller.
16:18Whom I do not know, I think you might have something for me.
16:21There is a difference between being suspicious and being deranged, you silly old fool.
16:26They have not noticed.
16:28God knows how they can have missed you.
16:30Go out and do it again.
16:31I go, I come back.
16:33Are you keeping your eyes skinned?
16:36Yes, but I cannot find any chateau bottled vines.
16:40If you get to the wine list, we are looking for something suspicious.
16:43Very well, Herr Flick.
16:45And stop eyeing up the men at the next table.
16:48And cover yourself up. You are showing too much leg.
16:51I will not be two-timed by an over titivated tart.
16:56I'm sorry, darling.
16:57And do not call me darling.
16:59But he keeps thinking at me.
17:00He is obviously drunk. Ignore him.
17:03Have you chosen yet, Monsieur?
17:05Yes.
17:06I will have a glass of your finest cognac.
17:08Hmm?
17:09And for this remarkable looking lady?
17:12She will have a glass of your most inferior wine.
17:17Matches!
17:18Who will buy my matches?
17:20Oh, look, an old match seller and a stranger to me.
17:24I wonder what he wants here.
17:25Ernest!
17:27What are you doing?
17:29I have been waiting upstairs for hours.
17:32Are you not coming up?
17:35I am just passing this secret message, Fanny.
17:38What was that?
17:39I am just passing this secret message.
17:42A secret message?
17:44What secret message?
17:46Get back to bed, you silly old bat.
17:48You can get knotted.
17:54I have brought you this message, Monsieur.
17:57Stop!
17:59I will take this message.
18:01For I am none other than Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
18:05No!
18:06What a surprise!
18:07No!
18:10My masterly use of disguise has fooled you all.
18:14Read the message, von Smallhausen.
18:18The two birds you are looking for will be in the hollow tree.
18:22Twenty paces along the river from the old bridge
18:25and forty paces into the wood at midnight.
18:29Hmm. The two birds.
18:31Birds fly and so do airmen.
18:34Aha!
18:35The British airmen are hidden in the tree.
18:38We will go there at midnight and apprehend them.
18:41Nobody is to leave the cafe or go to the woods
18:44or there will be severe penalties.
18:48Herr von Smallhausen,
18:50You forgot your handbag.
18:53And your seams are crooked.
18:57Oh, René.
18:58It worked!
18:59They will be out of the dungeon when we break in tonight.
19:02Go and get your safe-breaking equipment.
19:04We will set off for the bakery very shortly.
19:07Vannis!
19:08Oh!
19:09Are you not coming up to bed, my love?
19:12I feel rather...
19:14playful.
19:16First, I must get my drill and dynamite fanny.
19:22Ah, well, er, on second thoughts,
19:25I think I will have an early night.
19:35Ah!
19:37This must be the tree, Herr Flick!
19:40Shine your torch in it and see if the British airmen are in there.
19:51They are just these two pheasants, Herr Flick.
19:55There is a note on them. What does it say?
19:57Dear René,
19:59these are the two birds to put on your menu.
20:05Signed,
20:06A.
20:07Butcher.
20:08We have been led on a wild goose chase once,
20:11Mollhausen.
20:13What was that?
20:20I've been struck by a hazelnut.
20:26Includence!
20:27The other Gestapo!
20:37Well?
20:38We have come up under the safe of earthquake.
20:40We have to cut away at the metal now.
20:42That is Monsieur Leclerc's job.
20:44I am ready.
20:45Is the course still clear?
20:46Officer Croftry is standing by in the square.
20:48If anyone comes, he will let us know.
20:56Why me never to go safe breaking with you again?
21:06That should have just to be enough explosive to blow up at the door.
21:11Good Moaning.
21:14What are you deeing, littering outside the secret headquarters of Herr Flick of the Gestapo at this Tome of Knit?
21:22We were just taking the night air, Officer.
21:26You missed a kimp in me to the palustution.
21:30Whatever for?
21:31I suspect you are committing a biglory.
21:35And what if we don't want to go?
21:38Then I shall hoff to use fierce.
21:41I am outnumbered, but I am a bog min, and I can tick you on any D of the wick.
22:01My man, they got no respect for the fuzz.
22:04Okay.
22:05I like the diffuse.
22:06My man...
22:06I won't let you go.
22:07Oh!
22:15This better be right, Bertucci, will you?
22:17You would hardly notice anything, colonel.
22:26Think I might be I overdo the dynamite.
22:36there's no one here without hair flick and from schmolhausen how are we going to open the safe
22:41maybe one of my men knows how to do it safe breaking is a very complicated business captain
22:48that lot won't have a clue step forward anyone who knows how to crack the safe
22:55that's my boys everyone has done the porridge okay i take you the rest of you wait outside
23:02i said outside you keep a watch for the snoopers look her flick has a league table of all the
23:11resistance suspects in the area look here is renee how handsome he looks but why are there
23:21two photographs of him i think that's his late twin brother the one you shot please
23:28colonel do not remind me the vision of him haunts me still according to this chart renee is high
23:35up on the list of suspects that is because he is very popular if i was her flick he'd be
23:42number one
23:46i have cut through the bottom of the safe where is the painting it is inside on a shelf
23:52some safe breaker oh mind i'll kind of get it
23:58come on baby open for alvaro
24:04you wait outside now
24:07you wait outside now
24:10you wait outside now
24:24what's the matter goober
24:26what's the matter goober
24:40what's the matter goober where's the painting
24:44no painting no painting just that horrible head oh this restless spirit never leave me in peace
24:56what rubbish
25:02oh colonel von strom i can explain
25:08you spoke my name did you mention my name not yet thank you god mama mia
25:16wait for me
25:18we are done for the germans are on the other side of the wall
25:22what lieutenant gruber opened the door and the colonel they both saw me
25:26oh what are we going to do what are we going to do if i am caught i shall say
25:33it was all your idea
25:34oh i think i should tell you that you have just lessened your chances of winning the spirit of
25:38nuvion competition
25:39oh quick we have what we came for give me the painting
25:42no it will be safe down my trousers
25:44there are germans everywhere what are we to do
25:46what every frenchman does in an emergency
25:48leg it for the years
25:51funny if i do not win that spirit of nuvion contest
25:54i will tell michelle that you have a forgery down your other trouser leg which you intend to give a
26:03you would not do that
26:05oh believe me honey
26:07the decision of the wife of the editor is final
26:11oh all right you will win
26:14michelle wait for us