- 2 days ago
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00:01As you can see, my situation is desperate.
00:04We were trying to rescue these two idiot airmen and, of course, the plan went wrong.
00:08Now we are all handcuffed together and the key is in Berlin.
00:11I am trying to release myself using this old axor blade,
00:15which is broken.
00:17Fortunately, Yvette and Michel are on their way by captured motorcycle
00:20to the establishment of Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker
00:23to borrow his hammer and chisel with which he engraves names on tombstones.
00:27If he does not hurry, it will be our names he will be engraving.
00:32René, here comes Monsieur Alphonse.
00:35Thank heaven for that.
00:41Good afternoon, Monsieur.
00:43As you see, I have brought with me the small horse with the small earth.
00:47Never mind about it, Dad. Where are the hammer and the chisel?
00:50Here, I have them.
00:54I have also, with great presence of mind, brought with me a small tombstone
01:00to act as an anvil.
01:03It has René's name on it.
01:06René Artois, Hero of the Resistance.
01:10Ma'am Mason was going on holiday.
01:12And with the life he is leading, it could be needed any day.
01:16Monsieur René.
01:20May I trouble you to hold in place the chisel?
01:28I should take your watch off if I owe you. It doesn't look very steady.
01:31It's all right. It's soft proof.
01:33There goes.
01:43What is happening?
01:45Nothing.
01:48Japanese rubbish.
01:50We have to get out of these things straight away or we are all for the eye jump.
01:55I will shoot it off.
01:56You will miss.
01:58I will not miss. I am a marksman.
01:59You?
02:00You are a terrible shot.
02:03I will do it.
02:04No, you won't.
02:05I will do it.
02:07Good. Stop it.
02:08Can you not see we are in a right pickle?
02:10You could, of course, lie down on the railway tracks.
02:13The Paris Express is due in 27 minutes.
02:16One of us would have to lie under the train.
02:18It would only take four trains.
02:20We would be free by Freddy.
02:24I have it.
02:25Agent Crap, you will have the keys to the handcuffs at the police station.
02:28How do we get to the police station like this?
02:31We must leave you.
02:32We have to collect the body of a dead parrot to go to the pet cemetery.
02:39Oh, Renée.
02:40I do not want to leave you like this.
02:43Nonsense.
02:45Go and open the cafe.
02:48Good luck, all of you, and I will see you back in Nouveau.
02:52Oh, dear.
02:59My God, what are we going to do now?
03:04Look, the workman's at.
03:06What good is that?
03:08I will show you.
03:09Come.
03:13Listen, what's going on?
03:15Obviously they're in a blue funk about something.
03:18I know, we're going camping.
03:22Lift.
03:24By the left.
03:25Quick.
03:26March.
03:27One, two.
03:28One, two.
03:28One, two.
03:37You look very downcast, Herr Fleek.
03:41That is because I am downcast.
03:43I have been plagued by disaster.
03:46I have had one staff car blown up.
03:49One staff car flattened by a steamroller.
03:51I was all but demolished by an exploding nose.
03:54I have been arrested twice by von Klinkerhofen.
03:58And Helge has jilted me for a vop.
04:02When my godfather Heinrich Himmler hears that I have failed to interrogate the airmen,
04:07I fear my employment with the Gestapo may be terminated.
04:11What are you going to do?
04:13I must be prepared to fly.
04:16To this end, I must obtain cash in exchange for the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies
04:21by Van Tromp.
04:24I have lost the thread.
04:26Where is it now?
04:27It is hanging in the larder of the Café of René Artois in a knokwurst sausage.
04:32It must be sold.
04:35You, Van Smallhausen, mix with lowlife in the district.
04:38Find me a fence.
04:39I will try, Herr Fleek.
04:42Be my friend in this matter and you will not go unrewarded.
04:46You can rely on me, Arto.
04:51My friends call me Herr Fleek.
04:53Only bosom-pals call me Otto.
04:55And your bosom-pal has gone off with an eye-tie.
05:00Don't remind me of that!
05:06Well, what's the news?
05:07The news is good, Colonel. The airmen have gone.
05:11Frenchmen disguised as German military personnel removed them.
05:14Bert Rellissi?
05:15No, Colonel.
05:16I distracted him by taking off most of my clothes and dancing with him the tango in my underwear.
05:22Do you mean the black underwear with the little swastikas around the edges?
05:27What did you know about this?
05:29Word gets around.
05:32And in the door of your luxurious room in the chateau is an abnormally large keyhole.
05:37It seems to me that when the general finds out that the British airmen have gone, blame may fall upon
05:42us.
05:43I think it is time we cashed in our assets.
05:46I nearly cashed in mine this afternoon.
05:49What had you in mind, Colonel?
05:50We should sell the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boogies by Van Klomp for cash.
05:56Then, if anything happens, we mobile them.
05:58Therefore we sell it. It was, after all, stolen from the chateau.
06:02Guba, you deal with René often.
06:05He seems to be in touch with all the villains in the area.
06:08See if he knows our crooked fence.
06:11Yes, Colonel.
06:13Where is the painting at the moment?
06:16Here it is. And here is our future.
06:20When the rubbish hits the fan, we will divide it three ways.
06:24Four ways!
06:26Your door also have the big keyhole.
06:32It is! It is!
06:36Well, nobody hears the cries of an old woman.
06:42Here, Madame Fanny. I have for you some onion soup.
06:46Why am I left for hours and hours without food and gin?
06:53We have all been away trying to rescue the British airmen from the Germans.
06:58The Germans? I hate them!
07:05I have my grandfather's dueling pistol under my pillow.
07:10And the next German I see, I will shoot.
07:14Now, now, Madame Fanny. Eat up your soup.
07:17Oh, it was very exciting. And we managed to rescue the airmen.
07:21Oh! Are they back in England?
07:24No, they are back in the cellar.
07:26Oh!
07:27Renée and Madame Edis have just opened up the café again.
07:30But where is Ernest, my fiancé?
07:35You will be proud of him. He drove the getaway car.
07:39Unfortunately, his brakes failed and we went through the window of the pawnbrokers.
07:43And we have not seen him since.
07:47Finally, a cursed jammer!
07:50Oh!
08:02Renée, your hand is still shaking.
08:05It is not usual for you to drink at this hour of the day.
08:07Oh, I am shattered, Edith.
08:09I do not have the stomach for this kind of thing, you know.
08:11Whatever happens, you must show no sign of nerves.
08:14What if somebody saw us and recognized us?
08:17Get out of yourself.
08:18Afflick of the Gestapo.
08:20Bam!
08:25Oh, good evening, Afflick.
08:28Do you wish a table?
08:29I can throw some peasants out into the street.
08:32A cigar, a free drink.
08:33Oh, sounds good to me.
08:35Shut up.
08:36You have secreted in your larder a knokwurst sausage
08:39containing the portrait of the fallen Madonna by Van Clomp.
08:42The one with the big boobies.
08:45Oh, that one, yes.
08:46Yes, I was saving it for you until after the war.
08:49I require it now.
08:50Yes, of course, Afflick.
08:51At once, Mimi, Mimi, run down into the cellar.
08:54Get for this nice Gestapo-officer-y sausage.
08:57It will not be a moment, Afflick.
08:59I will not take it with me.
09:00I do not wish to be seen in public with a knokwurst sausage.
09:03No!
09:04You will bring it to me tonight at my secret headquarters.
09:0732, rue de Gascoigne.
09:13My formerly secret headquarters.
09:20You peasants may all start chattering again.
09:23I am leaving.
09:25You cannot beat the Gestapo as party poopers.
09:37Gwennie, I do not know which one it is.
09:38Well, it has a little swastika on it.
09:40Oh, I hid it in a drawer so it will not be consumed by accident.
09:47The mice have eaten it.
09:50They have made a nest in the portrait of the fallen Madonna
09:53with the big boobies by Van Clomp.
09:56You stupid woman.
09:59If you had left this hanging, this would never have happened.
10:02Oh, Rene, I am sorry.
10:04I have failed you again.
10:06I will beat myself with the spaghetti.
10:11Would they?
10:14For God's sake.
10:17For six weeks as a trainee nun really got to you, did he?
10:22What are we going to do?
10:23Oh, I have had enough of this gung-ho existence.
10:26My nerves have gone completely.
10:28I still have two bars of the General's gold that we stole from the police station.
10:32I never found out where you hid it.
10:34Ah, well, I melted it down.
10:35It is now the wait on the cuckoo clock.
10:37When the cafe closes tonight, we will creep off and head for the coast.
10:40We will find a boat and row to England.
10:42But my mother does not like the sea.
10:44We will not be taking her.
10:46I cannot leave my mother behind.
10:48Will you come up with a better plan, then?
10:50Well, Rene, Lieutenant Gruber wants you in the bar.
10:53He says that it is urgent.
10:54I must compose myself.
10:55He must not suspect that this could be the last time we meet.
11:03Messametes, I think we should go.
11:05Monsieur Leclerc can look after your mother.
11:07And I will put a suicide pill in the cocoa of Yvette.
11:10Well, it will make the gold go further.
11:12Certainly not.
11:14Oh, my child, what has become of you?
11:16Money has corrupted you.
11:18It was just an idea.
11:19You must drive such thoughts right out of your head.
11:24Wow!
11:30Oh, sorry to keep you, Lieutenant.
11:32I was in the lard.
11:33Do you wish a cognac?
11:34A large one.
11:35Ah, yes.
11:36I will have one as well.
11:37You are looking very pale, Rene.
11:40Ah, well, I was stocktaking.
11:41I found I was a sausage short.
11:44Ah!
11:46Good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
11:47I am glad you are here, Madame Edis.
11:49I need your help.
11:51You both have contacts with the underworld.
11:54I need a crooked man.
11:59What are you going to do with him?
12:03When General von Klinkerhofen finds out that the airmen are missing, things may get a bit hot.
12:10We must be in a position to depart hastily to Lisbon, perhaps, or some neutral country.
12:15For this, we need money.
12:18We are prepared to sell the portrait of the fall of Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp at
12:23a very advantageous price.
12:25Oh, you need a bent fence.
12:27Yes.
12:29Or, uh, an ordinary fence would suffice.
12:33I see.
12:33Well, I will do what I can.
12:35Bless you, Rene.
12:36Call me as soon as you have news.
12:40Lieutenant Gruber, if we find you a fence, would the painting be available immediately?
12:45It is but a telephone call of A.
12:47Leave it to us.
12:50Rene, I have a plan.
12:53Hit me with it.
12:54Why do we not arrange to give Lieutenant Gruber the gold for the painting?
12:57Then we can give the painting to Air Flick, and we would not have to leave town and go to
13:01England.
13:02They say the food is terrible.
13:06Well, you could be right.
13:07But where are we going to find a crooked fence that we can trust?
13:11I think I know such a man.
13:15Colonello, he's a Rene from the cafe.
13:17He have the good news.
13:18He find the fence.
13:19Bring him over.
13:19We'll make the deal.
13:20No, not here.
13:22Tell him we'll meet him at the cafe.
13:24I'm Mike the Mistaker.
13:25Tell him we'll meet him at your place.
13:28Okay.
13:28He's fixed.
13:36Good morning.
13:39Good morning.
13:42I want a tipple for two by the one, though.
13:47Look, we are very busy, and you are a very great risk.
13:50I'm having dinner with a female British secret urgent.
13:54She has been dripped by parashat.
13:58For heaven's sake, do not bring her in here.
14:00We were trooned together at the School of Intelligence.
14:03You must moot her.
14:07This is Ronnie Artois.
14:10Good morning.
14:16Do they not teach any of you to speak French?
14:19They have a very strange accent in this district.
14:23I expect they are possents.
14:26We were trooned to talk pish.
14:31Wene, the colonel is here.
14:32Oh, my God.
14:33Quick, sit down.
14:33There, there.
14:34For everything's sake, keep your voices low.
14:36If there is any trouble, I have a gin in my bog.
14:41I'm very glad to hear it.
14:43Come in, please.
14:44This way.
14:44Out, out, out, out.
14:46Sit over here, colonel.
14:47Away from the window.
14:48Down there.
14:50Lieutenant, have you fixed the fence?
14:53Oh, yes, I have fixed the fence, yes.
14:54The ducks will not escape again.
14:57What does he talk about, aye?
14:58It is the man to buy the painting.
15:00It's most important that he doesn't recognize me.
15:03Well, of course, colonel, like you,
15:04he does not wish to be recognized either.
15:06Now, the meeting will take place in the back room.
15:09He will be wearing on his head a paper bag.
15:12In that case, I, too, will wear a paper bag.
15:15Yes, I have one here for you already.
15:17Here, here, hang about a minute and all everything.
15:21You in the back room with the painting and the money
15:23while we sit here like the lemons?
15:26How we know you're not a scarper through the back window?
15:29Now, how dare you impugn the honor of a German officer?
15:33How many of you think I would do a thing like this?
15:39Edith, three more paper bags.
15:55Fanny, I have come to stuff your mattress.
16:01Could you say that again?
16:04I have come to stuff your mattress.
16:07That was what I thought you said.
16:10For the last four nights, I've been forging money.
16:13It is for our honeymoon.
16:15After that, we can run away
16:17and live in a little garret
16:20looking over the roofs of Paris.
16:22Oh, why do you not forge some more?
16:26Then we can get one with a lift.
16:32Honey, have you the paper bag?
16:34Oh, yes, it is here.
16:36Mimi, go and tell them the fence is here.
16:40The fence is here.
16:47No, no, no, no.
16:48Crouch down behind the bar.
16:49We do not want the customers to see you.
16:52They are prepared.
16:53In you go, Monsieur Abbas.
17:05Sit down.
17:11Now, this is Colonel X.
17:16This is Captain X.
17:19Lieutenant X.
17:22And Private X.
17:23Lance Corporal X.
17:25Oh, Lance Corporal X.
17:28And this is, um...
17:30X.
17:37Who is the principal in this matter
17:39with whom I should negotiate?
17:41The Colonel Von Strom.
17:47You idiot!
17:48We are supposed to be anonymous, Bertorelli.
17:52I am sure that X
17:54will wipe this from his mind.
17:57Do not worry, Monsieur.
17:59We undertakers can be very discreet.
18:04He did not hear that.
18:06He saw the undertakers.
18:07They are very discreet.
18:10What is the matter?
18:11No, it is a dicky ticker.
18:17Now,
18:19to business.
18:20We have the painting.
18:22Where is the money?
18:23Here it is.
18:26It is the fate of a cuckoo cloth.
18:28Ah, yes.
18:29But it is gold.
18:30Look.
18:33We no want the gold.
18:35We want the money.
18:37On the other hand,
18:40French francs
18:41may not easily
18:42be negotiated
18:43where we may be going.
18:45Gold is acceptable
18:46everywhere.
18:47You are quite a correct,
18:48Lieutenant Gruber.
18:50Ah!
18:50Thanks.
18:53Put up your hands,
18:54those that think
18:55we should have the gold.
18:57You've been outvoted,
18:59Helga.
19:05I think we should speak
19:07only in French.
19:09I agree.
19:10We might be overheard.
19:14Chores.
19:19Suing you here again,
19:21it all comes
19:22Burke to me.
19:24That knit
19:25on the bonk
19:26of the Thames.
19:33Having a puck nick
19:35in a pint
19:37and then a cuss
19:38in the kiddle.
19:40Cuss me
19:41as you cussed me then.
19:44People are licking.
19:47Then,
19:48hold my hind.
19:51Squeeze it,
19:52Tittly.
19:55I think it had better
19:56be under the tibble.
20:00Now,
20:01one for you,
20:03one for you,
20:04and one for you.
20:06Hold I a minute.
20:07This end bit
20:08which I got
20:09is more smaller
20:10than the other bits.
20:11This is most
20:13unsatisfactory.
20:13I agree.
20:14We must exchange
20:15the gold
20:16for hard cash.
20:17Me?
20:17I agree.
20:18I agree.
20:19Oh, very well.
20:21Gruber,
20:21get on to René.
20:22We need another fence.
20:25Now,
20:26I want you to
20:26put on your
20:27hat and coat
20:28and take this painting
20:29to Airflick
20:30of the Gestapo
20:31at his secret headquarters,
20:32number 32,
20:33Rue de Gascoigne.
20:35Is this the real one?
20:37No, of course not.
20:38It's a spare forgery
20:39I had lying about.
20:41Oh, quick,
20:41somebody's...
20:44René,
20:45I have just been
20:46tidying the bed
20:47of your mother-in-law
20:47and I found
20:48ten bundles of money
20:49like this
20:50stuffed in the mattress.
20:52She must have been
20:53robbing the till
20:53for years.
20:55She said
20:56that Monsieur Leclerc
20:57did it.
20:58Oh, in that case
20:58it must be forged.
21:00We must not let him
21:00spend any of it in here.
21:02Lieutenant Gorbou
21:02is on the telephone.
21:03He wishes to speak
21:04to you, René.
21:05No way.
21:08Where are you going?
21:10I have to go and
21:11deliver the painting
21:11to Airflick.
21:13You should have sent me.
21:14I have been here
21:15longer than you.
21:16Well, I am tougher
21:17than you.
21:18Oh, yes.
21:19Who says?
21:21I say.
21:22You want to try me?
21:24I could take you
21:26with one finger.
21:27Which finger?
21:29This one.
21:30Ah!
21:34Girls!
21:35Stop it!
21:36Stop it!
21:37Mimi, get about
21:38your errand.
21:39Yvette, compose yourself.
21:41Mimi, go!
21:44Oh!
21:47Oh, René.
21:49I love it
21:50when you are so masterful.
21:52It makes me tingle
21:53all over.
21:54Yes, well,
21:55you will tingle
21:55a lot more
21:55when I tell you
21:56that the Germans
21:56want cash
21:57instead of the gold
21:58we gave to them.
21:59Oh, no.
21:59Well, never mind.
22:00I have thought of a way
22:01in which we can get
22:02the gold back
22:03and get rid of
22:04this forged money
22:05without Edith knowing
22:06and without any
22:07risk of discovery.
22:08Monsieur Alphonse?
22:09No.
22:10Me.
22:14The plan
22:15is as follows,
22:16Colonel.
22:17You are to go
22:18to the church
22:19at midnight.
22:20You are to go
22:21into the confessional box.
22:22You will say,
22:24Father,
22:24I have sinned.
22:27And the priest
22:28will say,
22:29What is your sin?
22:30You will then
22:31confess to something
22:32and say that you
22:33wish to give gold
22:34to the church.
22:35The little trapdoor
22:36will open,
22:37you will push
22:37the gold through
22:38and you will receive
22:39in return the cash.
22:41And we will be
22:41right behind you.
22:42So you know
22:43Scarpa
22:44with the dough
22:45through the vestry.
22:52I have let down
22:53the tires
22:53of the bicycle
22:54of the priest.
22:55He will have to walk.
22:56He will be very late.
22:58Good luck.
23:02Bless your heart,
23:03Charlotte.
23:03Hi,
23:04Hi,
23:05Hi,
23:05I don't know.
23:47Yes.
23:48Father, I have sinned.
23:55What is your sin, my child?
23:59I am guilty of cruel and jealous thoughts.
24:03What are these thoughts?
24:06I have suspected my husband of having a ding-dong with one of our waitresses, if not both.
24:13You stupid women.
24:17It is a mortal sin to have such a thought.
24:21He is a fine man.
24:23Do 200 Hail Mary's and do not think of it again.
24:42Oh, I am sorry. I was just passing, so I popped in for a quick prayer.
24:49I have to find you a customer.
24:50Thank you, Father.
24:52Depart in peace.
25:03Yes.
25:09Wait for me here.
25:22Yes.
25:23Father, I have sinned.
25:25Tell me your sin.
25:27I have been very rude about Hitler.
25:30This is not a sin, my son.
25:33It is where I come from.
25:36I wish to give gold to the church.
25:38Ah.
25:42This is most generous.
25:44Where is the money?
25:46What money?
25:47You are supposed to give me money.
25:50You have the wrong idea, my son.
25:52We do not give money.
25:54We take it.
25:55Say three Hail Marys and go in peace.
26:04Where is the money?
26:05I did not get any money.
26:06What did you get?
26:08I gave him the gold and I got three Hail Marys.
26:12No receipt.
26:15They have been diddled by the Catholic Church.