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00:02I am preparing this cake for Colonel Von Strohm, the town commandant, because it is his birthday.
00:09Life at my little cafe near Nouvien is back to normal, except that I have a radio transmitter
00:15hidden under the bed of my wife's mother, cyanide tablets in these two rings
00:20in case the Gestapo should discover that I am helping the resistance,
00:23and two British airmen concealed where no one would suspect.
00:30Oh, and by the way, I was shot dead by a firing squad and buried yesterday,
00:35and I am now my own twin brother. So far, so good.
00:51Are you ready, girls?
00:52Ready.
00:52Follow me. Thank you, Monsieur Leclerc.
00:55Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
01:03Happy birthday, dear Colonel. Happy birthday to you.
01:14And now, the time-honoured ceremony of blowing out the candles.
01:19In France, it is a tradition that this must be done by one big puff.
01:24It is your birthday, Colonel.
01:31Dear Colonel, do not eat the icing. It is plaster of Paris.
01:35This is because the captain could not supply the icing sugar.
01:42No sugar. Hans, couldn't you have given up your ration for my birthday cake?
01:47Colonel, I gave it to Maria. She won't take cash on Sundays.
01:52Well, where, where, where, my person saw you from me this cake?
01:58And I shall have a surprise for you in my room at 9 o'clock.
02:03And I have a surprise for you now.
02:11I shall sing to you a special song which I used to sing many years ago to our dear soldiers
02:19overseas.
02:20In the Crimea.
02:23I was the toast of C.D. Bellabies.
02:26Mr. Colonel, if you please, the music.
02:31I knew nothing about this, Colonel. I am so sorry.
02:34Will you fall in love if I remove a glove?
02:40What do I have to do? Should I take off my shoes?
02:45For I am called coquette. The girl men can't forget.
02:50I drive men wild with desire when I lift my dresses higher.
02:56Should I take off my chemise?
02:59Oh, la, la, la. But as you know, I never go that far.
03:07Just as well.
03:09Would I stand a chance with some exotic dance?
03:15Should I do the splits?
03:17If she does, she'll fall to bits.
03:19For I am called coquette. The girl men can't forget.
03:23They cannot wait to kiss my lips or just caress my fingertips.
03:31But still I know it's too unfair to show the boys my underwear.
03:38Oh, la, la, la. But as you know, I never go that far.
03:47Oh, la, la.
03:50Unforgettable.
03:53René, your wife has many talents.
03:56Singing is not one of them.
03:58A little champagne, Colonel.
04:00Oh, a little champagne glasses.
04:02Oh, but of course. And may I tell you a little legend, Colonel.
04:05It is said that these champagne glasses were modelled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
04:11Oh, they should have modelled them on Helga's bosom.
04:13He'd have got a bigger drink.
04:16Captain Gary, that wasn't the worst possible taste.
04:21You will apologise to Helga.
04:23I'm, I'm sorry.
04:25But you must tell the colonel that you have never seen my bosom.
04:28Of course, Helga.
04:30I, I, I have never seen Helga's bosom.
04:32I was only guessing.
04:37There is also a legend about where they got the idea for the champagne cork.
04:44No more stories tonight.
04:46Now, a toast to your elf, Colonel.
04:51And to victory.
04:52Oh, to victory.
04:53Yes, for our side.
04:55Who else?
04:59Lieutenant Gruber, I would like a private word with René.
05:02Would you leave us for a moment?
05:03Of course.
05:06René.
05:07Yes, Colonel.
05:09Have you got rid of those British airmen yet?
05:10Well, I can truthfully say that they are undercover.
05:14René, they must go.
05:16I cannot go on turning a blind eye.
05:19What will happen if the Gestapo find out?
05:21We shall have to drop you in it.
05:23No, no, no.
05:24The Resistance are arranging everything.
05:26I didn't hear that.
05:27The Resistance are arranging everything.
05:32You're a fool!
05:35The less we know about it, the better.
05:37And now, René, what about the painting?
05:40Yes, it's the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
05:43She would have made a good model for the champagne.
05:45The less you know about the painting, the better.
05:48But I need to know about it.
05:50It is our retirement fund.
05:51It's my retirement fund.
05:54I found it.
05:55Yes, but I know about it.
05:57You know it is being copied in London.
05:59When it is returned to us, you will keep the original
06:02and you can give the copy to Herr Flick of the Gestapo,
06:05who will go away satisfied.
06:06The Gestapo are never satisfied.
06:09Helga is doing a very good job keeping Herr Flick out of our hair.
06:12I am not, however, keeping him out of my hair.
06:15He has asked me to report every word of your conversations.
06:19That is very underhand of him.
06:22Keep me informed of every move he makes.
06:25Really?
06:26More champagne.
06:26Oh, at once, Colonel.
06:28Yes.
06:29Colonel?
06:30Well, after the war you sell the painting,
06:33will you remember me?
06:35Every bit.
06:36Why should I?
06:37I found the painting.
06:39Yes, but she knows about it.
06:41In that case, Helga, you will be taken care of.
06:45Thank you, Colonel.
06:47But now, enough talk of business in the future.
06:50Let us enjoy the present.
06:52The divine women.
06:54And sun.
06:56No, just wine and women.
07:02Another surprise?
07:04More of a shock, I think.
07:05You are Colonel Von Strom and Captain Hans Gearing?
07:08Yes, what of it?
07:09The honor of this cafe was shot by your orders.
07:12No, he was shot on the orders of General Von Klinkerhofen.
07:15The Von Klinkerhofen.
07:16I am merely the town commandant.
07:18I just signed papers.
07:20I just hand him the pen.
07:24Your execution will be a warning to you Nazis
07:26that no one is safe from the revenge or the resistance.
07:30But these people are my friends.
07:31Because René's twin brother, René, baked this cake for me.
07:36A collaborator.
07:38A friend of the Germans.
07:40Would a friend have used Plaster of Paris instead of icing sugar?
07:44His wife sang a special song for me to entertain me.
07:47Is this true?
07:49Edith.
07:49Edith, sing a few bars for this lady, would you?
07:53How would you like to be down by the seine with me?
07:59Enough!
08:00You are in the clear.
08:02What's that?
08:04Oh, quick!
08:05René, send for the army!
08:06We are the army!
08:10Oh, the poor Colonel and the Captain!
08:14What am I going to do?
08:16What am I going to do?
08:16Thank you, René.
08:17I should be forever in your debt.
08:18You did not give me away.
08:19I did not know you were there.
08:23Michel from the resistance is in the back room.
08:25Just in time to get a piece of my mind.
08:30Michel?
08:31I am here.
08:32I am here.
08:32What are you doing at?
08:33How dare you knock off the Colonel and the Captain in my cafe?
08:36What kind of a business do you think I'm running here, huh?
08:39It was not my group of the resistance.
08:41It was the other party.
08:42Eh?
08:42We are de Gaulle.
08:43They are the Communists.
08:45They do not understand that we are using you to help us blackmail the Germans into keeping
08:50quiet about the fact that we are helping you to help the British Herman to escape.
08:56Until your explanation, I did not understand it either.
08:59The question is, what do we do now?
09:02We know their hiding place.
09:03We will rescue the Germans.
09:05But first, you must ride your London to tell them you cannot take the British Herman to
09:09the coast tonight.
09:10Me?
09:10But I was not going to the coast tonight.
09:13You were.
09:14The courses have been provided.
09:16I would go myself, but I would be missed at my job.
09:19What is your job?
09:21I am the sub-post mistress in the next village, next to the bakery.
09:26Not the little girl with the glasses and the lisp.
09:31The very same.
09:34You overcharged me for two stamps last week.
09:37There is no time for that.
09:39Get on the radio.
09:40I will take care of the coronel.
09:41Thanks.
09:46Oh, it is, Yvette.
09:49Maria.
09:51Oh, no one hears the cries of an old woman in distress.
09:58Fanny!
10:00It is I.
10:01I have brought you some food.
10:07Oh, not onion soup.
10:10Oh, my little buttercup.
10:11Si, it is kek.
10:14Who is currants?
10:15Oh, have them be pleased.
10:18And also, who is the candle?
10:22Oh, be so romantic.
10:24See?
10:25I give you a bit.
10:27Yes.
10:29Oh, cake.
10:31It is the birthday cake of the German carnel.
10:39The very mention of his name, and I sing, turns the plaster of Paris.
10:54No, listen very carefully.
10:55I shall say this only once.
10:57What was that?
10:59I shall say this only once.
11:01Good.
11:02There is no time to use the radio.
11:04The Gestapo will investigate the disappearance of the colonel.
11:07If he finds a transmitter and the code book, we will all have better chips.
11:11Chips!
11:11Oh, it's a miracle!
11:15Shut up!
11:15Quick, the radio.
11:17Michel Leclerc, the bed.
11:18The bed.
11:19Not in it!
11:20In it!
11:21In it!
11:26Hold this.
11:27The radio.
11:30Now, what shall I do with it?
11:31There is a truck outside.
11:32They will hide it for you.
11:34Aile!
11:35The Gestapo is here.
11:37Uncle Flick has just entered the cafe.
11:38Give the radio to me.
11:39If he finds that we are dead, I will drop it in the back of the truck.
11:42Good idea.
11:45Bullseye!
11:46What about the code book?
11:49Hide it on your person.
11:50But they may search my person.
11:52They usually do.
11:54Drop it in the truck.
11:55Yes.
11:58The truck is gone.
12:00The book must be destroyed.
12:02Eat it.
12:02What?
12:04What?
12:05No mayonnaise.
12:09In Paris, in the last war, we had the rats never supposed to.
12:15Now, we must warn the British chairman that there is a delay.
12:18Huh?
12:20Um...
12:20Two-thirty, they should be...
12:24Hello!
12:25Hello!
12:25There is a girl.
12:26There is a delay.
12:28Huh?
12:28You speak to them.
12:30I do not speak English.
12:31Change of plan, chaps.
12:33There is a delay.
12:34Leaving tomorrow.
12:35Oh, bad so.
12:36Get out onto the roof and hide behind the chimney.
12:39Right, dear.
12:40Any chance of any food?
12:42Yes, we're damn hungry.
12:43Have a go at these.
12:45What is it?
12:47It's code.
12:48There.
12:49Haven't you anything hot?
12:53Get into line!
12:55Hurry up, you peasants!
12:56Have you not come to the Gestapo?
12:58Have you questions to ask you?
13:04So!
13:05Did any of you recognize these criminals?
13:16Why is this mutton dressed as lamb?
13:20It was the dear Colonel's birthday.
13:23I was entertaining him.
13:25Are you then a lady of the night?
13:27I was the cabaret.
13:29I am a professional artist.
13:31I was singing for his delight.
13:33Prove it.
13:36I drive men wild with desire.
13:39When I lift my dresses higher, should I take off?
13:42Stop!
13:43Your story does not hold water.
13:46She speaks the truth, Herr Flick.
13:49Unlikely though it seems.
13:56You!
13:58Did you see the face of the traitor?
14:00She was just an ordinary French girl.
14:04Would you recognize her?
14:05All girls look the same to me.
14:17Very well.
14:19If the colonel and the captain are not returned to my office unharmed by eight o'clock tomorrow morning,
14:25ten peasants will be marched into the town square by the lieutenant and his men and they will be shot.
14:31Is that understood?
14:33Good.
14:35Herr Flick, could you not get someone else to do the shooting?
14:38You're making me rather unpopular.
14:41You will obey orders.
14:43That is all.
14:45Herr Flick, come with me.
14:46Yes, Herr Flick.
14:51Hey, Hitler!
14:53Oh!
14:57What makes that twenty peasants?
15:04Hans, look at it how you will.
15:07This is a very serious situation.
15:10Do you think they're really going to shoot us?
15:12They are French.
15:14The French are very unreliable.
15:16Especially after lunch.
15:20Colonel, why are you wiggling about?
15:26You will be pleased to hear I've managed to get my lighter out of my back pocket.
15:32But you were trying to give up, Smokey.
15:37I am going to burn through the ropes that tie your wrists and then you can untie me.
15:42Oh, good.
15:43I saw this in a film with Conrad Veidt.
15:46Keep your voice down and stand by.
15:49I am ready.
15:53What is the delay?
15:55I'm pulling up my vic to get a big flame.
16:03Even Conrad Veidt didn't think of that.
16:09Here we go.
16:13My tummy!
16:14You were liking the hairs on my wrist.
16:17Don't be a baby.
16:19I'm not a baby.
16:24Well done, Hans.
16:25I felt a rope go.
16:27That was the strap of my wrist watch.
16:30There's someone coming.
16:32Try not to smolder.
16:35What is happening? Where am I?
16:37Remove the blindfold.
16:40René!
16:41What are you doing here?
16:43I was just putting out the cat and I was pounced on by the resistance.
16:48Perhaps they think I am somebody else.
16:50You are the brother of the man who was shot.
16:52You are to have the honor of shooting these men who have wrecked the whole of France.
16:57If I may say so, that is a slight exaggeration.
17:01Here is a gun.
17:03Now is your chance to avenge your brother.
17:05Oh, well, I think you should understand that my brother and I were not that close.
17:10In fact, we did not get on.
17:12No, no. He used to bully me, you know.
17:14He used to twist the ear of my teddy bear and pinch my conkers.
17:21I know, I know it does not sound like much now, but when you are little you remember such things.
17:27I have placed in the chamber two bullets.
17:31Do your duty.
17:36May I have just one last request?
17:39We are supposed to have the last request.
17:41Silence! Pig! Dog!
17:44Hyena.
17:44I would like to savor my moment of revenge alone.
17:50We understand.
17:52Quick, follow me.
17:57That was a narrow squeak.
17:59René, you must get us out of here.
18:01We cannot go on helping you if we are shot.
18:03It is all your fault for saying I was my own twin brother.
18:06If you had said I was a distant cousin or something, I would not be in this mess.
18:10You were in a mess. What about the mess we are in?
18:12What am I going to do?
18:15Cut these ropes and we can leg it out the window.
18:21Wait a moment. How do I explain that you have escaped?
18:25You leg it as well.
18:29You have not shot them yet.
18:31No, no.
18:33Well, I thought I would just torture them a bit, you know.
18:36You know how one does.
18:38Just in case they can reveal any of Hitler's plans or secret weapons or where he is going on his
18:44holidays.
18:46My unit has just intercepted a parachute drop.
18:49We are very puzzled to know what this means.
18:51There are two German uniforms and two identical paintings.
18:55How strange.
18:56More than strange.
18:58More than strange.
18:58The names of these two officers are under uniforms and they were dropped by the RAF.
19:04That is because we are British officers in disguise.
19:09Isn't that so, Charles?
19:13Absolutely, Henry Odebein.
19:17It's surrounded by German soldiers.
19:20Sweet!
19:20Am I at the barn? We must not eat, Rene.
19:26I cannot even see the barn.
19:28Someone is running away.
19:30There are three of them.
19:31Good. We can go in now.
19:35Dear Colonel, when the German troops arrive, you will tell them how I saved your life, won't you?
19:41Yes, yes, of course.
19:42Goes without saying.
19:43I would feel better if you said it all the same.
19:47That's it.
19:49Rene!
19:53My Rene!
19:54Oh, my brave Yvette!
19:58My Rene!
20:00My brave Maria!
20:03My Rene!
20:05My Rene!
20:05You were brave too, Edith.
20:09Hey, Colonel!
20:10You must return to Nouvion so that Airflick can see that you are safe.
20:13And then he will not shoot the peasants.
20:15Leave it to me.
20:16Follow me, Hans.
20:17Yes.
20:19And hide those paintings.
20:21Hide the paintings.
20:22Do this, do that.
20:23Blah, blah.
20:40Have we run out of gasoline again, Airflick?
20:43No.
20:44I distinctly heard the sound of gunfire.
20:47From which direction?
20:49Over there.
20:51Shall we pretend to be lovers again?
20:53As we did at the bridge and the crossroads and the church?
20:56In case anybody passes by who might otherwise think our presence in a staff car is suspicious.
21:00No.
21:02It is time now for action.
21:07Click this.
21:08Insert it into the hole at the front.
21:11And turn rapidly.
21:13Yes, sir.
21:15What will you do?
21:17I will wiggle my foot on the pedal.
21:19Yes, sir.
21:21How I admire a man of action.
21:29The switch is on.
21:30The shaft is inserted.
21:37Faster.
21:38Faster.
21:44So exciting, Airflick.
21:46Keep turning.
21:53It's time.
21:54It's time.
21:56It's time.
21:56Don't.
21:57Don't.
21:57Please.
22:01Do you think it is a very long way?
22:03They throw us in circles.
22:04So who knows?
22:06I feel this is the correct road.
22:09Good sense of direction.
22:11If only we had a compass, we could check our bearings.
22:13Look out for the great bear.
22:17There are many clouds and few stars.
22:21You fool, Hans.
22:22Not up there.
22:24It's an inn outside Newview.
22:26I've never mentioned it before.
22:28I don't tell you everything.
22:32Listen.
22:33There's a car coming.
22:35I will hold it.
22:47Oh.
22:48Oh.
22:49Herr Flick.
22:50You would be pleased to see the captain and I have escaped.
22:53That is quite evident.
22:55We have good news.
22:56We have found at last the missing painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
23:03Hans.
23:04Give the painting to Herr Flick.
23:11The Fuhrer will be delighted.
23:13Good.
23:15I will take it at once to a place of safety.
23:22Snuffle duck.
23:24Pick that.
23:30Alright, alright.
23:31Have a little patience with you.
23:34You're waking up the old house.
23:38For the sake of heaven.
23:40Now then, where is the key?
23:42Just a minute!
23:46What is happening?
23:48We were both aroused by the banging.
23:54I too was aroused by the banging.
23:59I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candle.
24:02No.
24:04Yes, alright.
24:06Who is it?
24:09Colonel.
24:10You are safe.
24:12What a night.
24:13What a...
24:14The news is good.
24:16Good.
24:16We have handed the forgery to Herr Flick to send to the Fuhrer.
24:20And we have the original painting for you to hide behind the bricks in your cellar.
24:24And then we can all sleep soundly in our beds once more.
24:28Give it to me quickly.
24:30In case you have been followed.
24:31Now then.
24:36Follow Madonna with the big hoopies.
24:40The trouble you have given us all.
24:43Well, take a good look my friends.
24:44You will not see them again until after the war is over.
24:50What is written on that little label in the corner?
24:53I don't know.
24:54It is in English.
24:55I don't understand.
24:56I speak a little English.
24:57I will try to translate for you.
25:01Dear Resistance.
25:03Please note.
25:04This is the...
25:07Forgery.
25:10It's your school!
25:12You gave Herr Flick the wrong one!
25:16You're cross, aren't you?
25:19But what do we do now?
25:21We must get the painting back before Herr Flick can send it to the Fuhrer.
25:25And who is going to do that?
25:26You are.
25:27And if you don't, I will have you shot.
25:30Get everyone to bed.
25:33Life is back to normal.
25:35Rene, Rene.
25:36Any chance of the girls giving us a little cuddle?
25:41Do you have any butter, sugar or paraffin?
25:44Well, Hans?
25:45Not on me, no.
25:47Well, in that case, hard bun, old bean.