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00:01You may think it's strange that I, René Artois, should be breaking into my own cafe at the dead of
00:06night, dressed as a priest.
00:08There is, of course, a very good reason for this.
00:10In this disguise, I intended to receive, through the window of the confessional box, a bar of gold from Colonel
00:16Von Strom.
00:17In return, I was supposed to give him this bundle of forged banknotes.
00:21Unfortunately, the real priest returned unexpectedly.
00:24And so all I was able to do was to hear my wife, Edith, confess that she suspected me of
00:29having affairs with my waitresses.
00:31Needless to say, I admonished her severely for having such baseless thoughts and sent her back with a flea in
00:38her ear and 200 ale marys.
00:42Oh, René, it is you. Hold me to you. Stop me trembling with fear.
00:51Oh, René, I came down because I thought there was something stirring in the darkness.
00:57There is, it is me.
01:00Thank heavens, you are safe. Crush my frightened body in your arms. Hug the fear out of me.
01:08Not while I have this hat on.
01:12Oh, René.
01:15I'll leave it.
01:17René!
01:18What are you doing in your underwear with a servant girl in her nightgown?
01:23You stupid woman.
01:25I was just about to join you upstairs when I heard a prowler and came to investigate.
01:30Do you not realise it is a mortal sin to harbour such jealous thoughts?
01:34Oh, you are right. I am so far from being perfect for you.
01:39I must drive out this wickedness that is within me.
01:43Out! Out!
01:46Hey, stop it. These are 100 francs a dozen.
01:51I think I am made of money. Now, take your candle and go off to bed.
01:54Evette and I will lock up.
01:56Come on.
01:59Oh, René.
02:01You are such a fine man. I do not deserve you.
02:04Goodness shines out of your noble face.
02:07Will you belong?
02:08Well, I will just read a chapter or two from the good book and then I will be with you.
02:18Oh, that was a narrow squeak.
02:19Oh, let us take the gold now and escape before our luck runs out.
02:22It has already run out. I had to leave the church before the colonel arrived with the gold.
02:26I still have this forged money.
02:28Oh, no. What are we going to do?
02:30Well, how long does it take to read two chapters?
02:33Oh, yeah.
02:37What?
02:38I think it is the colonel.
02:40Oh, no.
02:41We know you are in there.
02:46Up against the bar.
02:48Hands up.
02:53We have been a-didled.
02:55The colonel handed over the gold and we got nothing.
02:58Except that the High Lady Marys.
03:00That explains everything.
03:02I have just had a visit from a man of the church who I do not know.
03:06No, he gave me this money saying,
03:08Give these notes unto the man.
03:11Yea, even unto he who gave the gold unto the church.
03:15Verily.
03:17He must have meant you can.
03:19Verily, I knew you would not let us down.
03:22Well, I was as mystified as you being just the man in between.
03:25What?
03:25Who's that?
03:26He must not be seen.
03:27Can we use the back passage?
03:29Yes, of course, Mr. Turn right outside the back door.
03:33See you later, then.
03:34Wait.
03:39It is the priest.
03:41My son.
03:42I have good news.
03:44This knight, this gold was handed unto me.
03:46I wish it to go through the resistance.
03:48Who I do not know.
03:50Well, I do not know them either.
03:52But I know that you know someone who does know them.
03:55Take it.
03:56And go in peace, my son.
04:00And try to keep your hands off these servants.
04:06You have not confessed anything, have you?
04:09Well, just a little bit, you know, to stop him falling asleep.
04:15Oh, Henry.
04:17Now that we have the gold, let us escape together now.
04:21Yvette, a sacred trust has been handed unto me.
04:24Besides, the last bus went four hours ago.
04:27Yay!
04:29Come in, dear.
04:31All things right and beautiful.
04:35All creatures are small.
04:41Helga is here, Herr Flick.
04:43Bring her in.
04:44Bring her in!
04:46Here!
04:52You sent for me, Herr Flick?
04:54You were at the castle when the British airmen left with the officers from Berlin.
04:59Yes, Herr Flick.
05:00They were in fact abducted by the resistance.
05:03At the time, you were smooching with Captain Bertorelli, who was in charge of the guard.
05:07Nobody noticed except you.
05:10Precisely.
05:10I could keep quiet, providing you promised not to smooch with him again.
05:15I did it only to make you jealous.
05:17You succeeded.
05:18He came back here and he jumped up and down on his Gestapo head.
05:23Silence, Herr Smallhausen.
05:25Go to your cupboard.
05:29Helga, we live in dangerous times.
05:33We know not what fate has in store.
05:35One day, the Gestapo may become unpopular.
05:39Surely not.
05:40To safeguard against this, I have decided to sell the portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by
05:46Van Klomp for hard cash,
05:48in case we have to make a run for it.
05:50One Smallhausen is making an effort to find a fence.
05:54You, being a lance corporal and mixing with lowly and inferior people, may be able to be of assistance.
06:00I will do my insignificant best to help you, Herr Flick.
06:03Good. You may kiss me.
06:05Like we did in the old days.
06:06If you insist, take off your clothes.
06:16That is sufficient.
06:18I have an appointment at the hairdresser's.
06:20Which can wait.
06:30Winnie, Michelle wants you in the back room.
06:32Oh, like, will she never leave us in peace if I need it back room?
06:39Now look, Michelle.
06:40Every scheme you have ever come up with has been screwed up.
06:43I refuse to IDM and any longer I am going to hand them over to the Germans.
06:47There will be no need.
06:48We have a bold plan to get them back to England, which cannot fail.
06:51I have heard that before.
06:53This must be a most unusual plan.
06:56Look, do not get sarcastic with me.
06:58You come and run the resistance and I will stay in the cafe and sing off the note.
07:05How dare you!
07:07No, no, no, ladies, ladies, please.
07:09The strain of the war has shredded our nerves.
07:11Let us hear the plan.
07:13We have captured a brand new barrage balloon.
07:16When there is a favourable wind, it will be inflated at night behind your cafe.
07:21It will carry the airmen to England.
07:23A spitfire will then shoot in it a few small holes and it will descend gently to earth.
07:30It is a daring plan.
07:33Just a minute.
07:34Do you think for one second the Germans will not notice a dang great barrage balloon in my back garden?
07:39That is the clever bit.
07:40It will be delivered with a marquee, which will be erected in your garden.
07:45For what purpose?
07:46For the wedding of Madame Fanny to Monsieur Leclerc.
07:48But their wedding is not for six weeks.
07:50What excuse do we have for making it so soon?
07:53You will tell the villagers that it is to be a shotgun wedding.
07:59Well, they will certainly be the oldest couple in Nuvion to have one of those.
08:03But will not the balloon explode if it is shot down?
08:07We have thought of this. It is to be filled with helium.
08:10This is a rare gas.
08:11How are you going to get it?
08:13There is still some in an old airship factory.
08:16It is hidden in small canisters, which will be delivered to you disguised as prize-winning vegetable marrows.
08:24Are they not out of season at this time of year?
08:28They are from Algeria.
08:30They will be delivered to you by a man disguised as an Algerian prize-winning vegetable marrow salesman.
08:39An everyday sighting in Nuvion have closed.
08:42Oh, the resistance? I fixed it for Friday.
08:46My mother will not like it.
08:48I do not like it.
08:51But you will be doing it for France, Mama.
08:54And you can have a lovely reception in the Marquis.
08:56I am not well enough.
09:00Is it your bad leg, Mama?
09:02No, no, no, no. My bad leg is good at the moment.
09:06Everything else is better.
09:11The doctor has ordered that I spend four weeks in bed before attempting that journey up the aisle.
09:19We cannot change the plans, Mama.
09:22Somehow the good Lord will get you to the church.
09:25Well, I suppose if he wants me there, he will fix it.
09:30As he arranged a car.
09:33There is no petrol, Mama.
09:37Oh, but I am sure that Monsieur Alphonse will take you in his urs.
09:41Urs?
09:42Urs?
09:45Over my dead body.
09:53General von Klinkerhofen's outside. He's in a steaming rage.
09:57Keep calm, everybody. Keep calm. Remember, we know nothing.
10:03General von Klinkerhofen!
10:05In a steaming rage!
10:09I am nothing!
10:11What has been going on in my absence?
10:13I turn my back for 24 hours and you allow the resistance to capture high-ranking officers from Berlin.
10:19And wearing their uniforms, these terrorists then infiltrate my shadow and spirit the army away.
10:26Who was the duty officer?
10:28Captain Bertorelli.
10:29You, you are the snitch.
10:32When my Field Marshal has spoken to his Field Marshal, he will be Lieutenant Bertorelli.
10:37And why was this chicken-feathered wop not attending to his duties correctly?
10:41He was canoodling.
10:43With Lance Corporal Helga Gerhardt.
10:47Private Helga Gerhardt.
10:50For this, the whole town will be taught a lesson.
10:55You will place charges of high explosives in key positions in the town.
10:58If the airmen are not returned in 48 hours, I personally will depress the plunger and Nouvion will be no
11:06more.
11:07Let posters be placed to this effect. Let it be done.
11:10Do we place explosives in the chateau?
11:13Don't be ridiculous. I live there.
11:21Gwenny, she has taken the gin and the soup, but she is not well.
11:26The doctor has diagnosed the Cullywubbles.
11:28He's advised her against going into a drafty church.
11:31I wish he had said the same thing to me.
11:35Good moaning.
11:37Good moaning.
11:41Have you hod the nose?
11:44What nose?
11:46The Germans have put up these pistas.
11:52They are placing moans all over the town.
11:55Moans?
11:57He means mines.
11:59If the airmen are not returned, then the whole of Nouvion will go off with a bong.
12:04They would not do that.
12:05Well, that settles it. We hand the airmen back to the Germans.
12:08You would not do this.
12:10Are you a min or a moose?
12:14She means a man or a mouse.
12:16All the same. The sooner they get to England, the better.
12:19The fear cast for the wither is good for the next three do's.
12:23Does this mean that they can go?
12:24The wand is in our fever. We will send a massage.
12:28You cannot use the radio. It is being intercepted.
12:31I need that.
12:33The massage will go by podgen.
12:40Podgen?
12:41A homing podgen.
12:44With feathers.
12:46It will be released from the wando of your mother-in-loo.
12:50Well, we do not have a podgen.
12:53My assistant, Urgent Grace, will brong it.
12:56Urgent Grace?
12:57That is his bit of crimp it.
13:01Here she is, nude.
13:04Good morning.
13:06I will spook to her.
13:07Well, sit down there and keep out of sight.
13:11Sorry, I am lute. I had to powder my knees.
13:15Where is the podgen?
13:17Under my hut.
13:26Well, he seems to be raring to go.
13:30Wendy, the Colonel is outside.
13:32My God, keep that thing still, for heaven's sake.
13:36Sounds as if it is laying an ogg.
13:40Oh, Colonel, come in, sit down.
13:42Drinks for the Colonel, the Captain, the Lieutenant, and the Lance Corporal.
13:46The Private.
13:49René.
13:50We have bad news for you.
13:51I have heard about the explosives. That is terrible news.
13:54What is worse, René?
13:56One hundred pounds of it is going to be in a sewer under your café.
13:59Oh, no.
14:00If you got the airmen, you better give them up.
14:03We are proud Frenchmen.
14:04We do not give in to threats.
14:06Oh, but he did a hundred pounds of explosives under the café.
14:09He has no idea where they are.
14:11René, I implore you, if you hear anything, let me know.
14:15The last thing we want to do is blow you up.
14:18It will make us very unpopular.
14:20Think about it, René.
14:21I am thinking about it, Lieutenant.
14:25Marouge! Marouge!
14:28Prize Algerian Marouge!
14:31Oh, my God.
14:33Who will buy Marouge from a Prize Algerian Marouge seller?
14:37Come over to the bar, Algerian Marouge salesman.
14:40Come and show me your...
14:43Come along, come over here.
14:45Marouge! Algerian Marouge!
14:47Shut up! Shut up!
14:48It is me, Ernest. In disguise.
14:52Wearing impenetrable boot polishes.
14:55These are cylinders of helium.
14:56Oh, good. Give them to me.
14:58Here, here.
14:59Here.
15:00And a high pressure.
15:02Yes, so am I.
15:05This one is leaky.
15:09I beg your pardon?
15:12Do not inhale the gas.
15:14No, I will do my best.
15:15Now, you give it to me before we get us all shot.
15:17The gas affects the voice.
15:19See?
15:21It tightens the vocal cords.
15:27Yes, well, thank you, Algerian Marouge seller.
15:29Be on your way.
15:31Algerian Marouge!
15:32You're going to find Algerian Marouge!
15:38Thank you, old Algerian eunuch.
15:42Call again when you have more Prize Marouge.
15:45René!
15:46More wine!
15:47Ah, yes.
15:47I will get it.
15:51René!
15:55René, rest assured that if we are going to blow up your café, I will give you all the
16:00warnings that I can.
16:01Oh, thank you, Lieutenant Gruber.
16:02You look very pale, René.
16:05Oh, well, this strain has played avic with my nerves.
16:17Excuse me.
16:21Understandable, I suppose.
16:23Shall I take the wine?
16:25Oh, that is all right.
16:26I will give it to the table personally.
16:33Is the poster, Herr Fleek?
16:35It could, of course, be an idle threat.
16:38Do you realize what will happen if they carry it out?
16:40There will be no Nuvion.
16:42Oh, she'll have to move to another town.
16:44I have made many enemies here.
16:46It would take months to make as many enemies in a strange town.
16:50We must not allow this blowing up to happen.
16:52Mr. General is going to personally press the plunger.
16:55From a safe distance.
16:57Find out the position of the explosives and see if we can defuse them.
17:02That will be very dangerous work, Herr Fleek.
17:04I have every confidence that you will succeed, von Smallhausen.
17:09Here is the Gestapo defusing explosives handbook.
17:13It is by the late Professor von Flattenhead.
17:17Who, as you will know, is buried in Munich and Hamburg and Brennan.
17:22Hold up on it.
17:23Yes, Herr Fleek.
17:32Oh, Vanek. Madame Edith has excelled herself.
17:36The food is magnificent.
17:37Yes, well, I will not be happy until those airmen are back safely in the hands of the Germans.
17:41They are going back to England and that is famine.
17:44The balloon is outside.
17:47Then, for heaven's sake, bring it in here.
17:51Move that table back.
17:53Monsieur Leclerc.
17:54Get on that corner.
17:55Help him.
17:56Up.
17:59Oh, dear.
18:01Oh, my.
18:02You have cracked it.
18:04I cannot put it down.
18:06Oh, Pimivette, sit him down with somebody.
18:08Come on, over there.
18:10Brong it in, whore.
18:12Where shall we pit it?
18:14Behind the table.
18:19I have the weather-fear cast. It is good.
18:22Then we will write a massage and send it by podgen.
18:26I will write it and tie it to his lock.
18:33Keep it under the hut until you are roddy.
18:37Expect the airmen to arrive over Dober.
18:41And...
18:48She is very keen to get to England.
18:50She cannot even wait for the message.
18:57Renée.
18:59My mother has taken a turn for the worse.
19:01She cannot get out of bed.
19:03She must.
19:04She is our only excuse for gathering here to release the balloon.
19:08If there is to be no wedding, then I will have to cancel the whole operation.
19:11Good idea.
19:12I cannot walk down the aisle.
19:14My foot is swollen like a potato.
19:16You will have to Hubble on one log.
19:20Understand this.
19:21If they cannot marry, then you and Edith will have to get married.
19:25Whatever happens, everything must take place.
19:27Dear Edith.
19:29Much as I love you, the first plans are always the best.
19:32They will be there.
19:33Where are the airmen?
19:35They are disguised so that they will merge into the background.
19:41In here, chaps.
19:48How about a kiss for the bridesmaids?
19:50Don't be cheeky.
19:53How about a kiss for the bridesmaids?
20:15Oh, look at those two idiots.
20:18Here.
20:20Put your veils down.
20:22And lift up your bosoms.
20:23Hands off!
20:24Right.
20:25Give the froggies an inch and they take a yard.
20:31Where is Leclerc?
20:33He's down there.
20:35How is his foot?
20:36Michel has given him painkillers and brandy.
20:39He's bearing up.
20:40He looks as if he is passing out.
20:46Awake.
20:51Come.
20:54My rose.
20:55My rose.
20:56Shut up.
21:00Now wake up.
21:01This is supposed to be your great day.
21:03I cannot stand up without holding on to a clutch.
21:07It would be better if you held on to my arm.
21:09Me neither.
21:27Monsieur Hugo.
21:28Hello.
21:30Oh, Monsieur Sarge.
21:34Colonel.
21:35Captain.
21:36Lieutenant.
21:37Olga.
21:37How nice of you to come.
21:39We did not expect you.
21:41We could not let your mother marry without paying our respects.
21:44And we check her where to pull the bomb.
21:49How well the clothes of the best man suit, Monsieur Rene.
21:54You cut quite a dashing figure, Rene.
21:58Thank you, Lieutenant.
21:59Do we count you as a friend of the bride or a friend of the groom?
22:03How about a friend of the best man?
22:17Is the bride here yet?
22:19Well, you will have to forgive her.
22:21She is, what you might call, knocking on a bit.
22:24Rene, it is Monsieur Alphonse.
22:29Madame Edith.
22:30Your mother is outside in the house.
22:34Are you marrying or burying?
22:40Psst.
22:41Look.
22:42Monsieur Leclerc.
22:42He has dropped off again.
22:45Edith, lend me your smelling salts.
22:48It is a wedding, Father.
22:49Come with me.
22:56Monsieur Leclerc.
22:57Monsieur Leclerc.
22:58Wake up.
23:00Meru.
23:02Meru.
23:03Stand up.
23:06Your bride is here.
23:53Dearly beloved, we are gathered together to join this man and this woman in only matrimony.
24:01Not yet, monsieur. I've yet to do pages of this stuff.
24:09He cannot stand.
24:20I am putting the massage on the log.
24:24The massage is now tied to the log. You can lunge it.
24:29One, two, through.
24:40It has crept on your heart.
24:47Do you, Ernest Dipstick Leclerc, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
24:56He does.
24:59Do you, Fanny, now you see it, now you do not take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
25:10She does as well.
25:12Then I pronounce you man and wife.
25:18Now you can get into bed.
25:33Wake up, Mama.
25:35What?
25:37You are now man and wife. He has done it.
25:42When?
25:43While you are asleep.
25:47That is their nest all over.
25:50Almost the impatient one.
25:52One hand.
25:53To me, I'll just use your Laughs Club A Hall.
25:55IARDS xushelghs.
25:55I vorstellen, I would say,
25:55Do you, Fanny!
25:55Good, good then.
25:57Young ajuda.
26:05Would you?
26:06To me.
26:12Bew blinking.
26:12I think that's amazing.
26:12You have no idea of humor.
26:12It's used to be less than a Adjustment Couple A Coven Ball,