- 14 minutes ago
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00:00You are probably wondering what I am doing lying on a table with my trousers down.
00:05There is, as usual, a simple explanation.
00:08I was being held prisoner in an underground bunker by the ladies of the Communist Resistance,
00:13who were using me as their love slave.
00:18I managed to escape, but because they had taken my clothes,
00:22I had to cover myself up with an elk skin bedspread in order to get back here.
00:27Unfortunately, while I was running through the woods,
00:29a hunter mistook me for a real elk.
00:33Shot me up the bum.
00:35I am now having the pellets removed, and it is not a pleasant experience.
00:40Ow! That hurt!
00:43We are sorry, René.
00:45We are trying to be as gentle as possible.
00:47There were dozens of pellets to remove, I'm afraid.
00:50Your backside looks like a colander.
00:53You missed one there.
00:55Here's the front.
00:56This is no concern of yours.
00:58I was only trying to end.
00:59Oh!
01:00You two!
01:01You are only here to hold the towel.
01:03Spoil sport!
01:04Here is just one more, I think.
01:06Where?
01:06There!
01:07I said face the front.
01:09It's very deep.
01:10I should need my special faucets.
01:13Oh, my God, you're not going to take my tonsils out as well, are you?
01:16I hope you have a steady hand, Doctor.
01:18So do I.
01:20Ah!
01:22Can I get up now?
01:24Of course.
01:26Oh, my God.
01:26René?
01:28Oh!
01:29There you are.
01:30I did not recognize you from this side.
01:33What is it, Michelle?
01:35I must speak with you urgently.
01:37You certainly pick your times.
01:39We will help you with your twerves, René.
01:41You will do nothing of the sort.
01:43Go upstairs and get ready.
01:44I will help, René.
01:45I can manage, thank you.
01:47Would you like these as mementos?
01:48No, thank you.
01:49I do not wish to be reminded of this moment ever again.
01:52You won't be.
01:53Not until you sit down.
01:57Goodbye.
01:58Good day to you.
02:01What is it, Michelle?
02:02Listen very carefully.
02:04I shall say this only once.
02:06Now that the Germans think you are dead, it is an ideal opportunity for us to smuggle you to England.
02:12Are you mad?
02:12Why would I want to go to England?
02:14Because the British need you to help with their invasion plans.
02:17Just think what an hero you will be.
02:20That is true.
02:21There will be a statue of you in every town in France.
02:24Not only the one we are erecting here.
02:26A statue of me here?
02:27The Germans have already agreed.
02:29But only because they think you are dead.
02:31If you announce you are alive, there will be no statue.
02:35I will go to England.
02:36It is my duty for France.
02:39Good morning.
02:40Good morning.
02:41Is everyone rudy for the precision of your personal positions, Ronnie?
02:46What is this idiot on about?
02:48Oh, I forgot to tell you.
02:50They are doing a parade of your beret and boots through the town this morning.
02:54And then they are to be put on display in the museum.
02:57The last ramoons of a broodman.
03:00What an honour.
03:02Oh, I must make myself scarce.
03:04The plane will pick you up tomorrow night, Ronnie.
03:06Keep out of sight until then.
03:07I will hide upstairs with my bum in a bucket of ice cream.
03:11Remind me never to order a raspberry ripple again.
03:15You cannot hide here, Ronnie.
03:16The Germans may decide to search the cafe.
03:19Then all would be revealed.
03:20He could hide in the Marseum.
03:22No one would leak in there.
03:24That is a good idea.
03:26You can join the procession.
03:27And then hide in the museum when they put your remains on the display.
03:30I could be recognized if I joined the procession.
03:33Then you must go in disguise.
03:34But I...
03:35Officer Crudtree, take off your clothes.
03:38I beg your pardon?
03:39Rene can wear your uniform to get to the museum.
03:43The thong's ID for England.
03:49As you see, I am prude to wear the Union jock.
03:55And a big one, too.
03:59Ah, there you are, Grimman.
04:01I've been looking all over for you.
04:02Good morning, Colonel.
04:04Ow!
04:07What are you doing?
04:10The garrison mechanics have all been sent to the coast
04:13to overhaul the front-line panzers before the British invade.
04:17So I am servicing Hubert Jr. myself.
04:20Hubert Jr.?
04:21My little tank.
04:22That is his name.
04:23I'm just replacing a piston.
04:25We are supposed to be attending the ceremonial procession
04:28for Rene this morning.
04:29Oh, I will be finished by then, Colonel.
04:32And we'll have to ask Madam Edith
04:33if she has found the painting of the fallen Madonna.
04:36We've got to get it back.
04:38I will be ready in a moment.
04:40I must just check the pressure in the cooling system.
04:43I didn't know you knew anything about engines, Grimber.
04:46Oh, yes.
04:47I studied tank maintenance at officer training school.
04:51Years ago.
04:59Although perhaps I could do with a refresher, of course.
05:05There.
05:06That should do it.
05:07You will not chip over your trouser legs now.
05:09Be careful of my uniform, Ronnie.
05:12I do not have a spear.
05:14I hope this works.
05:16If somebody recognises me in this outfit, I am a dead man.
05:19You are a dead man already, Grimber.
05:21Well, I do not wish to make a habit of it, eh?
05:27Hello?
05:28Mama!
05:30What?
05:31Oh, dear.
05:33Yes.
05:34Well, where are you?
05:36Well, get a taxi.
05:37We have to go out.
05:38But I will leave a note for you on the bar.
05:42Bad news?
05:44Some good, some bad.
05:45The good news is, Mama is back from Powys.
05:48She is at the station now.
05:50That is the good news?
05:53And the bad news?
05:55She and Monsieur Leclerc have split up.
05:58Apparently, he left her for a younger woman.
06:00How young?
06:02A spring chicken of 75.
06:05Mama is heartbroken.
06:07But she has been consoling herself with a retired one-legged gigolo from Marseille.
06:13How awful to have to sink to such depths.
06:16Mama is bearing up very well.
06:18I was thinking more of the gigolo.
06:22The procession is about to begin.
06:24Are you all ready?
06:26Oh, have I grown taller?
06:28Or have you grown shorter, Officer Cantree?
06:31It is me, you old fool.
06:33Ronnie is disgeezed as Moo.
06:37You must try and hide him in the museum, Monsieur Alphonse, until he can get to England.
06:42I have just the place.
06:43Oh, Remy, your beret and boots.
06:47People from all over France will flock to see them on display.
06:50I knew I should have had these soles repaired.
06:54Mr. Bill, you are back.
06:56I have hiked all the way from Paris.
06:58I thought you had run off with a younger woman.
07:01I did.
07:02But she had wheels on her walking frame and I could not keep up with her.
07:06Oh, I know the feeling.
07:08Is Madam Fanny back?
07:09Even at this moment, she is on her womb.
07:11Oh, I will keep out of her way for a bit.
07:14You can play the drama at the front of the procession.
07:16I've left it outside.
07:17Now, come on.
07:18We must go off.
07:19Oh, by the way, the post-boy gave me this note on the way in.
07:23It is for you.
07:26The writing is very faint.
07:32Oh, that is better.
07:35It is an invitation from Air Flick.
07:37He wants me to have tea with him this afternoon.
07:39What?
07:40He is after the painting of the Fall of Madonna.
07:42He came here while he was missing.
07:44He told me he was really a British agent.
07:47You did not believe him, I hope.
07:48Of course not.
07:50Naturally, I will not accept his offer to tea.
07:52On the contrary, Edith, you must.
07:54Why?
07:55String him along.
07:55He may tell you where he has hidden the missing booby.
07:58You are right.
08:00Oh.
08:00I will use all my feminine wiles on him.
08:03Oh, it is amazing how the sight of stockings and a glimpse suspender
08:08can unnerve the most strong men.
08:10Do not use all your wiles, Edith.
08:14Do not want to give him heart attack.
08:17I am ready, Madame Edith.
08:19Let us go, my children.
08:21Oh, I have forgotten the note for Mama.
08:24Oh, off is a crabtree.
08:26There is so much soap on the stove in the kitchen.
08:28Would you be kind enough to put some in a thermos
08:30and take it upstairs to the attic for Mama?
08:32No problem.
08:33Leave it to Moo.
08:52Get big there.
08:54Get big.
08:55Make woo for the precision.
09:08Stand asood.
09:09Stand asood.
09:10Stand asood.
09:15Hmm.
09:16That looks kimfy.
09:18I think I'll loo down and have farty wonks.
09:29Ladies and gentlemen.
09:32Ladies and gentlemen.
09:33If I shall let look.
09:34You can stop banging the dream, no?
09:38Ladies and gentlemen.
09:40We have gathered here to pay our last respects to René Artois.
09:45Oh, what is left of him.
09:48This cap and these boots are all we have to remember him by.
09:55They will be displayed in the museum so that we never forget what a true hero he was.
10:02There will now be a collection to pay for the display case.
10:07Please give generously, officer.
10:11Perhaps you will go round and collect the money.
10:15What weed?
10:16Take these.
10:22Nine.
10:26Would you like to country boat to the collection for a brew of men?
10:29No, sir.
10:30He was no friend of mine.
10:32A real shifty character he was.
10:34He owed me money, too.
10:35Oh, dear, you speak piddly of the dude.
10:38He watered his wine.
10:40And shot changed us.
10:42Stop it, you stout, or you will get a bing on the knit with my truncher.
10:46He still owes me for his trust.
10:48Be about your bossness, you ill-monored pisants.
10:51René Artois should be remembered as a man with a wonderful pist.
10:58We must contribute, Colonel.
11:01René was a dear friend.
11:03Deerer to you than to me.
11:06I think we should ask Madame Edith if she's found the painting yet.
11:09Oh, please, Colonel.
11:11This is not the time.
11:14Cui, officer.
11:16Over here.
11:17Oh, my kid.
11:19He has not seen us.
11:20Let us go to him.
11:24Here you are, officer.
11:27Thank you, Lieutenant Greber.
11:30I have very fond memories of René.
11:34May I touch his cap?
11:36If you wash.
11:41I knew he was a big man, but I had no idea he was a size eight.
11:45You had such greasy hair.
11:48Thank you for your generosity, Lieutenant.
11:51I must be on my woo.
11:58You know, Colonel, I could swear that policeman has got better looking.
12:06That was a close shave.
12:07I think my disguise fooled the Lieutenant.
12:10How much money did you collect?
12:12Fifty francs and a bent Polish zloty.
12:16Skin, Franks.
12:17Now, let us get out of here before somebody recognizes me.
12:21Michelle Leclocke, you can start bonging again.
12:27Double-quack-toom.
12:41Double-quack-toom.
12:45Now, where is Edith's note?
13:04Welcome, Mama.
13:06Mama, I have left you something up in your bed hole to warm you up.
13:19Such a kind, sotful daughter.
13:43Madam Finney.
13:48This is what Edith meant to Shigalow.
13:55Move over.
13:57It is party time.
14:00Not on your nilly.
14:07So do not make them like they used to.
14:13Oh, Edith, he's back to Officer Crabtree.
14:16He must be chilly in his underwear.
14:18But what about his trousers?
14:20Oh, I am keeping these.
14:21I'm not waiting here in my long johns.
14:23I will get you some more clothes, monsieur.
14:25From my mortuary.
14:29Oh, I'm sorry, Hamlet.
14:31My suspenders bust.
14:33My stockings are rolled up with corn plasters.
14:37You are just in time to say goodbye.
14:40Well, goodbye, monsieur Leclerc.
14:42Goodbye, Renée.
14:43Good luck.
14:47Girls, please, do not upset yourselves.
14:50Goodbye, Edith.
14:51Goodbye, Renée.
14:53I will miss you.
14:59Mimi?
15:00I was sick of you while you are away.
15:07Goodbye, Edith.
15:16Now, off you all go.
15:18You still have a cafe to run, you know.
15:24Goodbye, monsieur Alphonse.
15:25Goodbye, monsieur.
15:27We will give you Barry and Boots a fine display here.
15:31Oh, where is this hiding place for me?
15:33Through that door.
15:34You'll be quite safe there.
15:35Oh, I must get a key from the curator.
15:37I do not forget my new clothes.
15:39Your new clothes, of course.
15:46So much for a fine display.
15:50It will be good to pay our last respects to Renée in the privacy of the museum, colonel.
15:57There were too many people in the square.
16:00This tank is charging around a lot, Hubert.
16:04Are you sure you're picking the new business properly?
16:06It just needs running in, colonel.
16:10We are off for a nice spin in the countryside this afternoon, aren't we, Hubert?
16:16It's a tank, Hubert, not a pet.
16:20You must treat them with affection, colonel.
16:23A little tank like this needs coaxing.
16:26It needs a good kick up the exhaust.
16:30Now you've upset him, colonel.
16:39Here are some more clothes, monsieur.
16:42What about the cleaning woman?
16:43Oh, no.
16:44She's as deaf as a post and short-sighted.
16:46She will not bother us.
16:47Try these trousers for size.
16:52I can hear somebody coming.
16:56Oh, my dicky-ticker.
16:58Who is it?
16:59It is the colonel in Lieutenant Gruber.
17:01Oh, my God.
17:02What are we going to do?
17:03They must not find me here.
17:04Monsieur, you must side.
17:05Come here.
17:06Pretend you are a model.
17:08What?
17:08Yes, like this.
17:19How would you do, officer, sir?
17:21We have come to pay our last respects to René.
17:24Where are his boots and berets?
17:27They are not on display yet.
17:29Please come back next week.
17:31Oh, dear.
17:32I was so looking forward to spending some time alone with them.
17:35What a fascinating place this is.
17:38What is this?
17:39That is a replica of the town Guillotine, monsieur.
17:43How ghoulish.
17:45And these waxworks?
17:46They are all figures of people famous in French history who had connections with Nouvion.
17:51Who is this?
17:52Ah.
17:53That is Anthrax the Gaulle.
17:57A local chieftain.
17:59And this, if you walk this way, is Louis XIV's sister's second cousin.
18:06And this here is a local chart to add it off with Napoleon.
18:11And who is this under the cloth?
18:14No, please don't touch me, sir.
18:16It is René.
18:17You have made a waxwork of René.
18:21I thought he was to have a statue.
18:23I always make a waxwork figure as a guideline to the statue.
18:27Very realistic.
18:29What a fine, handsome fellow he was.
18:34He seems positively to glow his life.
18:38Because he is not quite set.
18:40You are right.
18:42The wax is still warm.
18:43Please don't touch him, monsieur.
18:44He is very delicate.
18:46Perhaps tomorrow he will be firmer.
18:48Is it customary to model a hero like René without his trousers?
18:53Ah.
18:54I was just getting him dressed.
18:56Oh, please let me help you.
18:57No, no.
18:57There is no need, monsieur.
19:03It's funny.
19:04I could have sworn his hand was down near his chest.
19:07Oh, no, monsieur.
19:09You are quite mistaken.
19:10A trick of the light, eh?
19:11And now, please go.
19:13The museum must close.
19:16Bless you.
19:28Oh, are you, are you all right, monsieur?
19:32I have just lost all my loose change.
19:36How unfortunate.
19:37I could have lost an awful lot more.
19:44I presume massaging my manly shoulders is driving you wild with excitement, Helga.
19:51No.
19:52In that case, you will stop.
19:54I am expecting Madame Edith from the cafe at any moment.
19:58You do not usually entertain peasants, Hervic.
20:00She is going to reveal to us the whereabouts of the painting of the fallen Madonna.
20:05Are you sure she will tell you where the painting is?
20:07She will not be able to prevent herself.
20:10In this teapot is a powerful new truth serum
20:14extracted from the giant Peruvian porcupine
20:17at the height of the mating season.
20:20It must make the porcupines very nervous
20:22because the staff of the agents
20:24crawling about in the grass waiting for the mating.
20:27Not half as nervous as it makes the agents.
20:30It is her.
20:31Helga, you must leave.
20:33I will let her in on my way out.
20:44Good afternoon, Hervic.
20:47Please, sit down.
20:49Would you like a cup of tea, my dear?
20:52Oh, thank you.
20:55Oh.
20:58It's delicious.
20:59Camomile?
21:00No.
21:01Peruvian porcupine.
21:03In fact, a potent truth serum.
21:06Any moment now,
21:07you will go into a trance
21:09and tell me everything I wish to know.
21:11Oh, surely you are pulling...
21:14I will take notes, von Smallhausen.
21:17Where is the painting of the fallen Madonna?
21:20I think it is in a drawer in the back room.
21:22Aha!
21:23Although it could be inside the cuckoo clock
21:24or upstairs under the bed
21:26or in a wardrobe in the spare room.
21:29On the other hand,
21:30it could be behind the inn house,
21:32in the pantry,
21:33behind the bar
21:34or even in the lid of the piano.
21:36But I am only getting...
21:37The serum is not working, Herr Flick.
21:39It must have been a very old porcupine
21:42with a bad memory.
21:44You will come out of your trance
21:46and remember nothing of this conversation.
21:50What conversation?
21:52There may, however, be side effects.
21:55The serum of the Peruvian porcupine
21:57is not absolutely foolproof.
21:59When will these side effects begin?
22:02Any second.
22:04Now.
22:19Fill me up again.
22:21You are drinking rather a lot, Monsieur Leclerc.
22:24It is Dutch courage.
22:25I am about to go upstairs
22:26to make it up with Fanny.
22:28Is this wise?
22:30She was in a faux temple earlier.
22:32I have to do it sometime.
22:33And she is a very forgiving woman.
22:41Fanny, darling.
22:43I am coming upstairs now.
22:45Get out, you two.
22:47I think I'm going to do the church.
22:50Oh, no.
22:52On second thoughts,
22:53perhaps I will stay down for the time being.
22:57Monsieur, you must have liked.
22:59Someone is coming.
23:00Oh, my God.
23:01You must hide, Monsieur.
23:02No, I am not going to be a waxwork dummy again.
23:04No, no, no.
23:05Look, look, look.
23:05Rest your head down here.
23:07What?
23:07Then pretend you are a modern.
23:09I am not putting my head under the guillotine.
23:11Look, it's just a cheap replica.
23:13It does not work.
23:14Quickly.
23:17Quickly.
23:21Good morning.
23:22It is you, Officer Crabtree.
23:24Where is Ronnie?
23:25I am here.
23:32Oh, my God.
23:33I thought you said it did not work.
23:34No, I made a mistake.
23:36I want my truiser's bick.
23:38These are very tit around the critch.
23:41Where on earth did you get them?
23:43I borrowed them from one of my stiffs.
23:45You just swapped them over.
23:47All right.
23:48By the woo, I have a massage for you from Michelle.
23:52What is the massage?
23:53The aircraft for England is delude for a wick.
23:56Oh, no.
23:57I am not waiting here a week.
23:59I am going back to the cafe.
24:00But you cannot, Ronnie.
24:01You are supposed to be Dodd.
24:03I am Dodd no longer.
24:06But how will you explain your absence all this time, Mr.
24:08I will say I lost my memory after the explosion at the windmill.
24:12I have been wandering around the countryside ever since.
24:14Here.
24:15You take these.
24:16It will be more convincing if I say that I lost my clothes after the Big Bang.
24:20I will turn myself in to the first Germans I see.
24:23I have a bitter plan.
24:25What?
24:25Go to the junction outside the toon and I will fond you on my bursicle.
24:30You are full of plans today.
24:32My brune is going like the clippers.
24:35I will meet you at the junction at half-piss socks.
24:53My brune is going like the clippers.
24:56My brune is going like the clippers.
25:09It is I.
25:12Lieutenant Kruber.
25:14What is the matter?
25:15Do you not remember me?
25:18I remember nothing except a big bang.
25:22Oh, René, I see what has happened.
25:25In that terrible explosion at the windmill, you lost your memory.
25:30Memory.
25:31That is right.
25:31Yes.
25:32I lost my...
25:33My...
25:33My...
25:34What was that word?
25:35Memory.
25:36Memory.
25:37Get into my little tank.
25:39I will take you back to my quarters.
25:41Get you out of those filthy clothes and give you a nice, hot, relaxing bath.
25:48Suddenly, I have recovered my memory.
25:50What a miracle.
25:51Thank you, Lieutenant.
25:52But if it is all the same to you, I will walk home.
25:55Oh, no, René.
25:56I remember.
25:56I remember the way I...
25:57Please.
25:59Clarence, follow that man.
26:01I really do remember the way home now.
26:03No, no, René.
26:04Get into the back of the tank.
26:05Please, Lieutenant.
26:06I have a lovely bottle of Armagnac back at my office.
26:09Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, please.
26:11I beg you, I beg you.