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00:03Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise, birds in the breeze seem to twitter Louise,
00:10each little...
00:11Ah, I am singing an happy song because I am an happy man.
00:16The two airmen are now in the mortuary, the mortuary of Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker.
00:22They are not dead, no, they are waiting to tunnel into the British prisoner of war camp
00:27across the road.
00:28So, I have seen the last of them.
00:31The portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big you-know-whats is in the office of the
00:36Colonel and good riddance to it.
00:38I can now deal with the normal, everyday problems of running my café.
00:43These problems are, one, to prevent Maria from knowing that I am having an affair with Yvette,
00:49two, to prevent Yvette from knowing that I am having it off with Maria,
00:53and three, to prevent my wife knowing that I am having a ding-dong with both of them.
00:59The reason I am sitting out here, polishing the cuttellery, is so that I can see when my wife goes
01:04into the shop of Monsieur Cheval, the butcher.
01:08Ah, ah, yes, she is entering.
01:12He is, he is greeting her.
01:15Now he is pointing at the chicken with his chopper.
01:21These negotiations will take at least ten minutes and could include a visit to the cold room.
01:25So, I have a little time to spare.
01:34Yvette?
01:36Yvette?
01:37Oh, Rene!
01:40Oh, my little wood pigeon!
01:43My big goose!
01:45Oh, Rene, can you feel the wild beating of my heart through this thin blouse?
01:55No.
01:55Press harder.
01:59Rene, how much longer can we go on like this?
02:03How long does it take to pluck a chicken?
02:07Rene, I know how you must feel when I am with other men, but do not worry, all the time
02:14I am thinking of you.
02:15Ah, and when I am with my wife, all the time I am thinking of you.
02:20It does not help.
02:23I must go.
02:24Oh, no!
02:25Oh, yes!
02:26Hold me for one last time.
02:29Oh!
02:35Rene, come to me tonight.
02:37I will give you a signal when all is clear.
02:39What will the signal be?
02:42I will take the red light out of my window.
02:46Yvette, always the romantic.
02:49Go now, my child.
03:00Rene!
03:01Maria!
03:02Oh, no, Rene!
03:04Hey!
03:04How much longer can we go on like this?
03:07As long as my wife is well and strong enough to get to the butcher's.
03:10Oh!
03:11Rene, come to my home tonight.
03:13Oh, no, Maria.
03:14It is too risky.
03:16How about the airing cupboard next to the bathroom?
03:19It is too what?
03:21This time, I will stand with my back to the tank.
03:27Oh, well.
03:28Very well.
03:30I will see that my wife has a good bath to run off as much hot water as possible.
03:34Oh, Rene!
03:36Put that girl down and listen very carefully.
03:40I shall say this only once.
03:43The airmen are in the mortuary, but the digging of the tunnel is too slow.
03:47They have come to an hard beat.
03:49They need help.
03:50Well, why cannot the undertakers give them an hand?
03:52They are digging graves.
03:54In the graves they put the earth that is dug from the tunnel.
04:00If they are putting the earth from the tunnels in the graves,
04:03where are they putting the earth from the graves?
04:05They are digging other graves.
04:08How could that the Germans become suspicious at the digging of all these graves?
04:12Not if we keep shooting Germans to put in them.
04:15You are very determined, are you not?
04:19It is.
04:20It is.
04:21It is.
04:21I am much longer about to remain like this with my legs in the air.
04:25Oh, quiet, Mama.
04:27Rene is just bringing the new batteries for the radio.
04:30Edith, these are damned heavy.
04:31Open the door.
04:33It is.
04:35It is.
04:36Now, I have heard that last night the German swine took away my painting of the flowers.
04:44Be thankful they did not steal the silver.
04:46That was given to me by a penniless artist who went on the twist.
04:53It looked to me as if he was round the twist when he painted it.
04:57Ah, but he was so in love with me.
05:02He said, if I did not marry him, he would take a knife and cut off bits of his person
05:10and send them to me.
05:13What happened to him, Mama?
05:14Well, he went away.
05:17But I remember, I did receive, by the registered post, an ear.
05:26An ear?
05:29What was his name?
05:30I called him Bobby.
05:32Bobby.
05:33Thank God for that.
05:36Well, I thought Vincent sounded too tough on me.
05:42Vincent!
05:43You silly old bat! That was a Van Gogh!
05:46All this time we have had on our worlds a Van Gogh and we did not know.
05:50You said it was a worthless dog.
05:52Well, what do I know?
05:53Oh!
05:57Hello, Nighthawk.
05:58Hello, Nighthawk.
05:59Are you receiving me?
06:01Over.
06:01Hello, hello.
06:03Nighthawk here.
06:03Give that to me!
06:05You are not Nighthawk.
06:07I am Nighthawk.
06:09You are Mrs. Nighthawk.
06:12Hello, hello.
06:13This is Nighthawk speaking.
06:15Pass your message please.
06:16Over.
06:16As Old Mother Hubbard got together with Miss Muppet and Little Boy Blue.
06:22Over.
06:23Look it up, Edith.
06:24As Old Mother Hubbard got together with Miss Muppet and Little Boy Blue.
06:28The way people carry on these days are not surprised.
06:33Shut up.
06:35Are the airmen inside the prisoner of war camp?
06:38We must tell them no.
06:40Little Boy Blue is still loading Miss Muppet's tuffet.
06:43But we are hoping to get them up the beanstalk tonight.
06:45Over.
06:49Did you write down the message, von Smallhausen?
06:52As you ordered, Herr Flick.
06:54What does it mean?
06:55Fortunately, I was educated at Oxford.
06:58These are nursery rhymes.
07:00There must be some connection.
07:02As I recall, Mother Hubbard was the one who had the cupboard.
07:06Airmen can hide in a cupboard.
07:09Excellent.
07:10Little Miss Muppet, she had the tuffet.
07:13What is a tuffet?
07:16A tuffet is a mound of earth, similar to where thrown up by the mole.
07:23And where do moles live?
07:25Underground.
07:25They have been hidden in the cupboard by the underground.
07:29Now.
07:32What did Little Boy Blue have?
07:35I don't remember.
07:36Think from Smallhausen.
07:38Your whole career may depend on it.
07:40Ah.
07:41It all comes back.
07:42Oxford.
07:43The river.
07:44The dreaming spire.
07:46He had the horn.
07:49The French horn.
07:51They have been hidden by the French underground in this cupboard.
07:55Now, where is the cupboard?
07:58Is there no clue we have missed?
08:01We have.
08:02The tuffet.
08:02The horn.
08:04The cupboard.
08:05Mother Hubbard was looking in the cupboard to find for her poor doggie a bone.
08:10A bone?
08:11And where do you find bones?
08:13At the butcher's.
08:14Where else from Smallhausen?
08:16Where else?
08:16In the graveyard.
08:18Well, lately there has been much digging.
08:21We will investigate.
08:23Oh, you have an incredible brain, Herr Flick.
08:27Do not be a little crawler.
08:36Good day to you, Captain.
08:37Hello.
08:38I brought you your usual.
08:40One does not normally see you without the Colonel.
08:43He is cross with me.
08:44We are hardly speaking.
08:45All he said this morning was Heil Hitler.
08:49Not exactly the start of a sparkling conversation.
08:53What is the reason for this rupture in your relationship?
08:56The shooting last night.
08:58Oh, well, that was not your fault.
09:00You did not shoot anybody.
09:01It was my jealous, impetuous wife.
09:04She used my gun.
09:06He's like that, you know, the Colonel.
09:08He confiscated my jackboots once just because I refused to kick a peasant.
09:13I can tell you, René, I'm not enjoying this war.
09:16You surprise me, Captain.
09:17You always seem to be having such a good time.
09:19One has to keep up appearances.
09:21It is not always easy, you know, goose-stepping about, shouting and ranting.
09:25It is hard to be a conquering hero when it is not in your nature.
09:29Why do you do it?
09:31Oh.
09:32It is Hitler.
09:33He's a very demanding chap.
09:36Of course.
09:38There is nothing worse than a bad-tempered decorator.
09:43We had one here once, you know.
09:45René, that bribe you gave to the policeman, will it be enough to keep him quiet?
09:49You can rely on it.
09:51René.
09:54I cannot thank you enough.
09:56I will do anything for you, René.
10:00I will perfume, silk stockings.
10:05Any little luxury you care to name?
10:08Thermal underwear?
10:10Am I interrupting anything?
10:13No, no, no.
10:15We are just discussing a little private matter between the two of us.
10:17I see.
10:20I...
10:21I hope there were no repercussions over the shooting here last night.
10:25Shooting? No, no. Did you see a shooting, René?
10:28Not that I can recall, no.
10:30Mind you, it was a very lively evening.
10:32I understand.
10:34Ah, Colonel.
10:35Good day to you.
10:36Good day, René.
10:38Good day, Hubert.
10:40Hello.
10:42Heil Hitler!
10:46Say, Heil Hitler for me.
10:49Have you two fallen out?
10:52We have.
10:54Over a girl?
10:54No, not over a girl.
10:59I see.
11:03Now, Hubert, what's happening about the paintings?
11:06I have taken them to my quarters.
11:08Good.
11:08There, I can copy the fallen Madonna.
11:11Twice.
11:12Twice.
11:14Ah, I'd better make a note of this.
11:17My pencil.
11:20Madonna with big boobies.
11:23Two.
11:26One for Hitler, one for Flick.
11:28The original can be returned to me.
11:29You mean return to us, don't you?
11:32What?
11:33He's still ignoring me, you see.
11:35The general has also asked me to make a copy of the Van Gogh.
11:39Is he sending the original to Hitler?
11:41No, he is sending the copy to Hitler.
11:43Would you believe it?
11:44You would think a general would be about that sort of thing, wouldn't you?
11:47I know a colonel is not, but you'd think a general would be.
11:51Lieutenant.
11:53Dear Lieutenant.
11:54While you are at it, could you make another copy of the Van Gogh?
11:57Tell the general it is the real one and return the original to me, the rightful owner.
12:02That would be dishonest, René.
12:03Not if we split the proceeds after the war.
12:06Another copy, Grubber.
12:08That is two Van Goghs.
12:11And two fallen Madonnas.
12:12Four boobies.
12:29Sister, you will come here.
12:35I am here, Herr Father.
12:37Give to me my powerful binoculars.
12:40At once, Herr Father.
12:46What was it you were hoping to see, Herr Father?
12:49I have already seen what I was hoping to see.
12:56There is much digging and very little burying.
13:01What do we do now?
13:02We wait.
13:04Do you wish me to kiss you?
13:05Not while you are dressed as a nun.
13:07It would give offence.
13:09Who would it upset?
13:12It would upset me.
13:16Von Smallhausen.
13:17Stop snooping and take your smoke bomb elsewhere.
13:20There.
13:21Holy Father.
13:22I have seen.
13:23I have joined a house of ill-reput.
13:26Where many wicked girls come out in scanty clothes.
13:28And are naughty with men.
13:30Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
13:35You must give to this wicked girl a penance.
13:39I see.
13:40Go home and say one hundred Heil Hitlers.
13:47Are you little or very lightly, Herr Father?
13:50Usually you're much more severe.
13:58Overture and beginners, please.
14:00Of course.
14:02We are on.
14:10Damned hard work, Fairfax.
14:12Yes, I know.
14:13And you've laddered your stocking.
14:16How's it going, chats?
14:18We've hit rock or something.
14:20We really need a drill.
14:22We can't do that.
14:23You'd make too much noise.
14:25Couldn't you drum up some extra bods?
14:27We're getting some help from the cafe.
14:31How's it going, Simpson?
14:32A bit sticky, sir.
14:34Not easy with teaspoons.
14:37Keep it on.
14:38We've got a couple of hours before the inspection.
14:50Good evening, old.
14:52Oh, my God.
14:54Ah!
14:54Officer.
14:55Welcome to my humble cafe.
14:59Psst.
15:01It is I.
15:02Leclerc.
15:04No.
15:07I have a message from Michel.
15:10Here.
15:10Where have you been?
15:12We have been waiting for instructions.
15:13Madam.
15:14A lady reported seeing a flasher.
15:17And you had to arrest him?
15:19No.
15:20I had to disguise myself as a policeman so that she would not recognize him.
15:25What is your message?
15:27You are to go at once to the motuary and help with the digging.
15:32Go at once.
15:33And how are we to get there?
15:34The place is stiff with Germans.
15:35Here.
15:36Take this upstairs to my mother.
15:38Tell her she must get down here and take over the bar while we are going.
15:41Very good, madam.
15:43How long will you go on not speaking to me?
15:47This has not happened to me since I was a small boy at school and they sent me to Coventry.
15:52This is a terrible thing to happen to a small boy when you were at school in Dusseldorf.
16:00Oh, look.
16:01Why is that waitress leaning over and showing her suspenders?
16:04Ah, you see.
16:07So you can hear.
16:11Here comes that English idiot who thinks he can speak our language.
16:16Good moaning.
16:20Good moaning.
16:24Do you want the good nose or the bad nose?
16:28Oh, do let us have the good nose.
16:31I have hashed up the shatting of the two tits.
16:38What does Crabtree say of it?
16:40He has hashed up the shooting of the two tarts.
16:44Good.
16:45And what is the bad nose?
16:46The Gestapo are hoovering round the graveyard,
16:51disguised as a nan, a boshock, and a Roman Catholic farter.
17:00I knew I should not have asked.
17:05Where are the airmen?
17:06They have taken spades.
17:09They have cracked along the tunnel.
17:14And are dogging.
17:16Well, that does not sound like a lot of fun.
17:20We are supposed to be helping, then.
17:22What are we to do?
17:24With my disguise as policeman, I am able to escort you there.
17:30Look, can you not find a phrase book and improve your French?
17:33It is terrible.
17:36Nobody has comploned so bad.
17:39If they do, I will tell them that I am from the left bunk.
17:43I bet.
17:46Maria.
17:48Go round the tables and collect all the flowers so we can take them with us.
17:52And what excuse do we give to the Colonel and the Captain?
17:54You leave this to me.
18:00Dear Colonel, dear Captain, forgive us, but we are departing to pay our respects to the two women of the
18:06street,
18:06who I unfortunately shot with your gun.
18:09Come on.
18:15Hans, I think they are up to something.
18:17Oh, Uncle Kurt, you are speaking to me.
18:23Oh, what a relief!
18:26Let that be a lesson to you.
18:28Yes.
18:29I think we should follow René.
18:31But General von Klinkerhofen told us to watch the café.
18:33You are right.
18:35We should obey orders.
18:36We will watch the café.
18:39Ladies and gentlemen,
18:41tonight it is cabaret time at the café René.
18:45And in the absence of Madame Edith,
18:47please to welcome, from the Foley-Bergère, Madame Fanny Le Pen.
19:08Take me to your art again.
19:13Let's make a start again.
19:17Forgetting and forgetting.
19:20I was writing with this, please.
19:22We will follow René.
19:23We will follow René.
19:24But what about the orders?
19:26Officers must use their initiative.
19:28Besides, there's no cheese for our ears.
19:34Let's try to start the tears.
19:38Let's try to start after tears.
19:41Like sunshine after rain.
19:47I'm yearning for you, by night and by day.
19:58I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love
20:09you, I love you.
20:15That sermon you gave was most moving, Herr Father.
20:18Bishop von Smorhausen had tears running down his cheeks.
20:22It was because this thing would not go out.
20:25Still there is much digging. There is something behind this.
20:30Let us go to the mortuary to interrogate the undertaker.
20:36This hair flick life is never dull.
20:48I shan't out with girls any more after this.
20:52You've put me off.
20:55I've been digging just as hard as you have.
20:58Katie, someone's coming.
21:05Please go down.
21:09Okay, chaps, it's going to be me.
21:11I must love you now, so good lick.
21:15Where is Monsieur Alphonse?
21:17He's in the tunnel, having a dig.
21:19I think we've got rats down there. We can hear a lot of scratching.
21:22Ah, that'll be the chaps in the POW camp, tunneling out.
21:25In that case, we may not have far to go.
21:27And we've no time to lose. We must dig like fury.
21:29Well, it's jolly tiring.
21:31Murder on the old hands and knees.
21:32What was that?
21:38Monsieur Alphonse is your service.
21:43Swiftly and with style.
21:49And temporarily knackered.
21:52What is your progress report?
21:55The tunnel is what is known as burned up with loose earth.
22:00It is a disposal, what we call in my trade, of the muck.
22:05That consumes all the time.
22:07Very well.
22:08Right, chaps, in you go.
22:09Dig for your life.
22:10We'll arrange a chain to get rid of the earth.
22:19Get in there.
22:21When your pots are full, pass them back.
22:25How long are we going to be down there?
22:29Fill them with earth, Danny.
22:35Get a move on, Simpson.
22:37The whole operation is slowing up.
22:38I'm doing my best, sir.
22:40Shh, shh, shh.
22:42That scratching is getting quite loud.
22:45Oh, pass on, we're nearly there.
22:47Here, Rene, take this.
22:50Edith, stop poking me with your poo.
22:54Fill it up and give me another one.
22:57I am a poo-passer, not a poo-filler.
23:01Now, here you are.
23:02There, are you satisfied?
23:04Oh, this is very big quality.
23:12When we are finished, I would like some of these for the café.
23:16Always the entrepreneur.
23:19Where should I put the refuse?
23:21I will take it.
23:22It is priming over.
23:24Monsieur Alphonse, the Colonel and the Captain are approaching.
23:27Oh, my God.
23:28Quick, we must warn them in the tunnel.
23:29Two Jerry's are coming.
23:30What?
23:31Warn them in the tunnel.
23:32Two Jerry's are coming.
23:34Two Jerry's are coming.
23:36Two Jerry's are coming.
23:38Two Jerry's are coming.
23:40Two Jerry's are coming.
23:40Two Jerry's are coming.
23:41Two Jerry's are coming.
23:41I can only deal with one at a time.
23:47I think I'm through.
23:49Donnie, good sir.
23:54My God.
23:55French crumpet.
23:58They must be pretty desperate if they're tunneling in.
24:01Hello there.
24:02Hello.
24:03Good God.
24:04It's Fairfax and Cascades from 402 Squadron.
24:07What are you doing?
24:08We're trying to get in.
24:09What are you doing?
24:09We're trying to get out.
24:11Chats.
24:12Jerry's are coming.
24:13Quick.
24:14Back off of that.
24:15Right.
24:26I'm sorry if I've caught you at an inconvenient moment.
24:30Can I help you, Monsieur?
24:32I'm looking for Mr. René, who I observed entering these premises.
24:37He's not here.
24:38People search.
24:40Hans, search.
24:41Search, search.
24:45Is there a dead body in here?
24:47Hopefully.
24:49We put a screwdriver in with them in case we make a mistake.
24:56How far do you want me to go?
24:58What do you mean?
24:59It is spooky.
25:01Open the coffin.
25:06It is full of earth.
25:08Why is this coffin full of earth?
25:10I am growing mushrooms.
25:14I do not see any mushrooms.
25:16That is probably because they have not yet to come up.
25:21There's earth on the floor.
25:22Hans, help me.
25:23Oh, Monsieur, you cannot.
25:25You cannot defile the tomb of the departed.
25:29Why is the earth in your poo?
25:32I am trying to cultivate the stone of the avocado pair.
25:37Do you have to sit on it to cultivate it?
25:40I am sure it requires a warm temperature.
25:44I grew one on a damp flannel.
25:54It is a tunnel.
25:56That's a nail.
25:57How did that get in there?
26:00We must find out where it leads.
26:03Hans, you go first.
26:16Now, what's going on?
26:18We have been hunted by the Gestapo and the Jerry troops.
26:21In fact, the whole damn lot of them.
26:22They find us without uniforms or with shots.
26:24What about this lot?
26:26We are the French resistance.
26:27They will shoot us too.
26:28My God, Simpson.
26:29This is a bit of a facer.
26:31There is an inspection in five minutes.
26:32Of course.
26:33With the crowd, General.
26:34We better set about hiding them.
26:36Somebody please tell me what is going on.
26:39They are going to hide us.
26:40Why do we not go back down the tunnel?
26:43The Colonel and the Captain are coming down it.
26:44What?
26:45What?
26:46Oh, my God.
26:47What am I going to do?
26:49How about trying to behave like the bravest man in all France?
26:56Hans, I'm stuck.
26:58Give me a pull.
27:00One, two, three.
27:08Oh, now, look what you have done.
27:11They are trapped and I suffer from claustrophobia.
27:15I have had it ever since my mother tried to smuggle me out of Berlin in a suitcase.
27:19Why would she do that?
27:21So my father wouldn't find out about me.
27:27They say there are some more coming.
27:30They are dressed as crows.
27:32That's because they are crows.
27:34Hold the back gun while they get out.
27:38The tunnel has come out in England.
27:47Everyone here is under arrest.
27:49Attention.
27:50Attention.
27:51Stand by for inspection.
27:53General.
27:54General.
27:57There is a gun in your back.
27:59If you give us away, you will be the first to die.
28:01Do exactly as I say.
28:04And listen very carefully.
28:05You will say these only words.
28:07No.
28:08No.
28:23You will never know.
28:24Now we're in a safe position.
28:25Everybody out!
28:26Everybody out!
28:27France!
28:28France!
28:29France!
28:30France!
28:32France!
28:35France!
28:57The British prisoners of war are ready for inspection, General.
29:01They do not look as though they are ready.
29:03They are a surly bad disciplined rabble.
29:06They are not easy to control.
29:08All British prisoners of war are the same.
29:10Lead the way.
29:16Is everything under control?
29:18They've got the cards covered.
29:19What happens if they spot any of them?
29:21I give them a couple of English phrases to use as a last resort.
29:24Stop!
29:24Harking in the rain!
29:25Up yours!
29:30Collins!
29:34Temper, temper!
29:46Come here!
29:48Come here!
29:53Bang on!
29:57Wizard bang!
29:59Pippin!
30:00Pippin!
30:01Tiddle you!
30:03Chuck's away!
30:05Tiddle you!
30:06Chuck's away!
30:06Don't you?
30:12Hitler has only got one talent!
30:22This is the standard of British airmen.
30:24How could it happen?
30:25Goering lost the Battle of Britain.
30:35That was a narrow escape.
30:37A narrow escape?
30:38We are locked up in a prisoner of war cannon.
30:42The cafe opens for dinner at seven.
30:45And your mother has the keys to my till.
30:52Let's go!
30:55Let's go!
30:57Let's go!
30:58Let's go!
31:11There he goes.