- 2 days ago
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00:02You will have great difficulty in believing what happened last night.
00:05Michel of the Resistance persuaded us all to pose as undertakers.
00:09This was done in order to get into the chateau to rescue the British airmen who were being held there
00:13as prisoners.
00:15Need I tell you that a series of disasters resulted in the plan going off at half-cock.
00:21Or to be more exact, no cock at all.
00:24That idiot crab tree dropped an oak coffin down a stone staircase.
00:28Monsieur Leclerc insulted Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker,
00:32which resulted in them fighting upstairs and downstairs with swords like a couple of 80-year-old Errol Flins.
00:37Eventually, the guard was called out and we were lucky to escape with our lives.
00:41Needless to say, the British airmen are still being held as prisoners.
00:45Even as I speak, they may be on their way to Berlin to be interrogated.
00:49Only one thing prevents me from leaving right now.
00:51There is not quite enough money in the till.
00:54By tonight, I will be off.
01:00Edith, what are you doing?
01:03Last night was the biggest nose-up I have ever witnessed.
01:06Tonight, I am up to the house of my cousin in Armentier.
01:09She has kennels.
01:10With a bit of luck, I can hide in one until the war is over.
01:14Oh, I see. You are leaving me to face the music, Nana.
01:17Oh, it is not that, Renée.
01:18My cooking has made you too big to go into a kennel.
01:23Renée, you have a visitor in the back room.
01:25Oh, not Michelle again.
01:27No, it is Lieutenant Gruber.
01:29Oh, that is worse.
01:32Where is he?
01:33He was afraid of being seen, so I've hidden him in the clothes closet.
01:36Ah, look after the bar.
01:42You can come out of the closet now, Lieutenant.
01:46Renée, you had a very narrow squeak last night.
01:50It took all the guile that I possessed to prevent the general from coming downstairs to investigate the commotion.
01:56Ah, well, about the noise, I understand what happened.
01:58Renée, tell me nothing.
02:00It is better that I remain in complete ignorance.
02:04You were saved by the arrival of Herr Flick and von Schmolhausen,
02:09who had disguised themselves as army officers in an attempt to abduct the British airmen so that the Gestapo could
02:15question them.
02:15Well, if I had been there, which of course I was not, I would indeed have had a narrow squeak.
02:21Of course.
02:27Fate is fortunately on our side.
02:30The officers who are to collect the airmen are not arriving from Berlin until tomorrow.
02:35The general will be in Calais visiting Big Bertha.
02:39Is that his bitter stuff?
02:41No, it is a very big gun we have installed to shell the British in Dora.
02:46This would be an excellent time if the Resistance, who you do not know,
02:51were to rescue the airmen before they talk and drop us all in the you-know-what.
02:57I will pass the message to the Resistance, who I do not know.
03:04Tell the people who you do not know that tomorrow lunchtime would be a very good time for me not
03:09to see them.
03:19Yes, General. We will attend to it.
03:21We will say to it that those Gestapo devils get a really hard time.
03:28The General is sending to us Herr Flick and Herr von Schmolhausen.
03:31They were arrested last night impersonating high-ranking German officers.
03:35What will be their fate, Colonel?
03:37I will scare the pants off them.
03:40Send them in as soon as they arrive.
03:42Yes, Colonel.
03:44In here.
03:47You won't try to escape.
03:53Herr Flick, there are your clues.
03:56They were removed by the General's troops, German thugs.
04:02How humiliating.
04:03And they've chained you like an animal.
04:05They do not wish me to make a run for it.
04:07Or in my case, a fast limp.
04:11You look terrible.
04:11You look exhausted.
04:14Shall I hold it for you?
04:17No.
04:19Would you care to rest it on the desk while you're waiting?
04:26Elsa, you must make a phone call for me.
04:28To my godfather, Heinrich Himmler, to inform him of my plight.
04:32Of course. What is his number?
04:34Berlin 1.
04:36I'll write it down.
04:39Herr Flick, the sight of you in your underwear with your ankles tethered is most stimulating.
04:46Would you wish me to kiss you?
04:48It would not be seemly without my hat.
04:56Good morning.
04:58Good morning.
05:00Why do you have a smaller one than me?
05:05I am not as important as you are, Herr Flick.
05:07This is correct.
05:09Ah, Helga, the beautiful lady.
05:12I kiss your hand.
05:16What for you chat up the Gestapo in their undies?
05:20They are under arrest for impersonating high-ranking army officers.
05:23I was a field marshal.
05:25Oh, it was a lovely uniform.
05:28I wanted to take a picture to send to my mother, but they stripped me before I had time.
05:33Helga, who are they?
05:35Never you mind that you send your mama the picture of you in the prison clothes.
05:39With the little arrows.
05:41Herr Flick of the Gestapo and von Smallhausen also of the Gestapo.
05:46Cinnamon.
05:47Hobble in here.
05:51This is exceedingly heavy.
05:53Put the ball out of your feet and dribble.
06:07My, my, my.
06:09How the mighty have fallen.
06:11I hope you realize that impersonating German officers carries with it severe penalties.
06:19The higher the rank, the greater the penalty.
06:23Now, for impersonating a captain, the sentence is 10 years in a labor camp.
06:29For impersonating a field marshal, the sentence is a minimum of 20 years in a labor camp.
06:37Please, please, I could not do 20 years.
06:40Well, you do as many as you can.
06:44He made me do it.
06:45I am weak-willed.
06:47I am easily left.
06:50Do not squirm before them, von Smallhausen.
06:53You will change your tune when this comes to the ears of my godfather, Heinrich Himmler.
06:58He will never hear of it.
07:00You will be another number on the handle of a pickaxe.
07:07Yes?
07:09Yes.
07:09Yes, Herr Himmler.
07:11Oh, yes.
07:13Yes, they're here.
07:15We're just making them a cup of tea.
07:19Yes, that's right, Herr Himmler.
07:20My wife does live in the Black Forest.
07:23That's it.
07:24Just down the road from my ghetto factory.
07:27Yes.
07:29Of course we're insured against fire.
07:32No, we're not insured against shell fire.
07:36I will release them at once.
07:38It was the fault of an Italian officer.
07:42He's here.
07:43Would you care to speak to him?
07:44For you.
07:46He's Himmler in person.
07:49Um...
07:50These are Captain Manzoni Pepperoni at your service.
07:55Hey!
07:56There's no need of that of your shout.
07:57We let them go.
07:58I drive them in my car, personal, on the way we get the hacksaw.
08:03What for?
08:03To cut off the balls.
08:08He's hung up.
08:18In fact, you are supposed to be serving.
08:22Why are you wearing the uniform of Nuvian Grammar School?
08:26Shh!
08:27Here is a gown, a motor board, and a cane.
08:31No, I cannot go upstairs with you now. We are open.
08:36Oh, these clothes are so that we can run away together and find happiness.
08:41No, we cannot leave the area without a pass.
08:43We can say that you are my headmaster and that we are on a nature ramble.
08:48No, I cannot let you take the risk of it.
08:50But hang on to the outfit, eh?
08:55Good morning.
08:57Good morning.
09:00Are you a loon?
09:02You can see I am not a loon.
09:04But there are no nitzes in your coffee.
09:07We had an elf inspector in only last week.
09:10He means Nazis in the cafe.
09:13His French is getting worse.
09:15As there are no nitzes, I will give a secret signal.
09:23That's not very secret.
09:25Wait and sue.
09:37I hope that was a coincidence.
09:40The cast is clear.
09:45Listen very carefully. I shall whisper this only once.
09:49Come over here.
09:52There are Germans everywhere.
09:54I know that. That is why they call it occupied France.
09:59Whisper quickly and go.
10:00We have information that the two German officers who are coming to collect the British Airmen will be arriving by
10:06car.
10:07Why are you telling us this?
10:09We have arranged to hijack the car and steal the uniforms.
10:12Two of our group will then wear these uniforms and collect the British Airmen.
10:16They will march them out of the chitto.
10:20Under the very kneeses of the nitzes.
10:24And who are the brave idiots who will do all this?
10:28We do not yet know. It depends on who the uniforms fit.
10:31We can call on 40 members of the resistance.
10:34Your chances are farty to win.
10:41Our problem is this, Colonel.
10:44If the Airmen are interrogated in Berlin, they may implicate René from the café.
10:49He, in turn, may reveal that he has been hiding for us the portrait of the follow Madonna.
10:55With the big boobies.
10:56By Van Clonck.
10:58That damn painting!
10:59Is it worth it?
11:00Every day it increases in value.
11:03He may also reveal that your uniform was once used to help Airmen to escape in order to keep René's
11:08mouth shut.
11:09If a rescue attempt should occur during the absence of the General, it would be in our best interests to
11:15look the other way.
11:17What chance is there of such an attempt being made?
11:19Well, I go into bars, people drop things, need I say more?
11:25I would rather you did not.
11:28One thing worries me. It's that damned inquisitive whoop!
11:32Yes, Captain Bertorelli. I have given thought to this matter. Could not Helga distract him?
11:39How?
11:39Well, by inviting him to lunch at your luxurious quarters in the chateau.
11:45Temporally provided by the General?
11:47Certainly not!
11:48Helga, if you do not use these quarters to help us, we will see that they're taken from you.
11:53We will tell the General that in his absence there have been more soldiers marching in and out of your
11:58door than the Brandenburg Gate.
12:01You wouldn't!
12:02I would.
12:04He would.
12:10It is hard to know whom to invite to our wedding, Ernest. So many of our friends have kicked the
12:18bucket.
12:20I've been making a list for my steak party.
12:23Oh!
12:26You have written only two names.
12:29All the rest are in the nick.
12:33Why do you not have your party in the nick?
12:37Can I come in?
12:38Oh!
12:39Oh!
12:47You have just awoken me from a dreamless sleep.
12:54Mama, I have just had a message from Michelle of the Resistance.
12:58At last, there was an opportunity for you to help France.
13:02Long live France.
13:04Up with Maurice Duvalier.
13:07Down with Marlena Dietrich.
13:17And listen to the plan.
13:20We have to capture a staff car belonging to the Germans.
13:24Oh, the Germans.
13:26I hate them.
13:29Mama!
13:30Not on the bedspread.
13:32Now listen.
13:33We need an obstruction.
13:36You have been chosen to be the obstruction.
13:40Give me the tools and I will do the job.
13:45Monsieur Leclerc will be pushing you in your wheelchair in the middle of the road.
13:49At a given signal, the wheel will fall off.
13:52The staff car will stop.
13:54The Resistance will do the rest.
13:56I will be proud to have my wheel fall off for France.
14:05Oh, will you find Monsieur Leclerc and tell him?
14:08Straight away.
14:33I can see them coming over the hill.
14:36Wheel the chair and through the road.
14:37I will give you the signal when the wheel is to come over the hill.
14:40The only France.
14:42Arise the children of the lands of freedom.
14:48Shut up!
14:51Mama is so brave.
14:55What if the car does not stop?
14:58You will be a very old orphan.
15:01You will do no such thing.
15:05We need those uniforms.
15:06We cannot have them full of holes.
15:08Give me the gun.
15:08I will not give you my gun.
15:10Give me the gun.
15:14Stop it, the pair of you.
15:24Ernest, what makes the wheel come off?
15:29I do not know, Fanny.
15:30The resistance says when I press the button, it will all happen.
15:41No.
15:47The signal.
15:48No.
16:01Oh, my God.
16:03The resistance has exploded.
16:05My mother.
16:06It would take more than that to get rid of her.
16:19What did I tell you?
16:22More wine, Captain Alberto.
16:24No, it's time for me to go on duty and inspect my private soldiers.
16:29Just a little one for the road.
16:33This is not for the road.
16:35This is for the autobahn.
16:38Let me give you one.
16:41Captain, you're so naughty.
16:43Just one little sip.
16:46And then I go and inspect my troops.
16:49Don't go, Captain.
16:50Stay and tell me your adventures while I slip into something looser.
17:06I think to die the troops inspector themselves.
17:14Do I have to stay for this pantomime?
17:16Get him to learn.
17:21Now, whomsoever this uniform fits, shall go to the chateau.
17:25She's even using the same words.
17:30Too small.
17:33Too small.
17:36Much too small.
17:40It fits.
17:41Oh, what a surprise.
17:43If I'm not back by midnight, I will turn into a pumpkin.
17:47You are halfway there already.
18:06I love the tango.
18:08It brings out in me the animal.
18:10You are a very exciting wolf.
18:14Is this why you wriggle every time I hold your clothes?
18:17It is the cold temperature of your medals.
18:34What was that?
18:37I came with these flowers to thank you for calling my godfather.
18:40I find you in the arms of another.
18:42What is worse?
18:44The other is an eye-tie.
18:47I can't explain.
18:49No, I can't.
18:51I consider our engagement, which was on, is now off.
18:54I will, of course, confirm this with a letter on Gestapo notepaper.
19:07All is clear.
19:09Into the car.
19:17Into the car.
19:18Who were you ordering about?
19:20I am a major.
19:21You are a captain.
19:22Into the car.
19:36Oh, my God, is he driving?
19:39Yeah.
19:41I was the getaway driver for one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged Jack Murrell.
19:47Well, he could hardly drive himself, couldn't he?
19:51Hold tight and do not touch the trigger.
19:54Which one is the trigger?
20:06Is that one?
20:09Forward to the chateau!
20:14Forward to the chateau!
20:24That is the window of the chateau in which the airmen are imprisoned.
20:27Send them the message.
20:31I think those resistance people have forgotten all about us.
20:39You appear not!
20:41Oh, good show.
20:43Oh, there's a note.
20:44What does it say?
20:46Um, rescue on way, pretend not to recognize German officers.
20:53I don't know any German officers.
20:56Hang on, there's something on the other side.
20:57In case there is a cock-up, eat this.
21:03Ah, well, um, here goes.
21:19Sir Berlin, car is approaching.
21:21Bring us a prisoners.
21:27Papers?
21:33Papers.
21:37Say, is there an order?
21:44There are so many kids.
22:01Show him the papers.
22:03You are the major.
22:04You show him the papers.
22:05I am the major.
22:06You are a captain.
22:07I am ordering you to show him the papers.
22:10For heaven's sake, somebody show him the papers.
22:23The papers.
22:25There's a very old driver you have there.
22:29He was young when we started.
22:32And it is a long way from Berlin.
22:35This is in order.
22:39Bring the Elman.
22:46They are very slippery customers.
22:48Sir General has ordered handcuffs.
22:56Come on.
23:21Where are the keys?
23:23Sir, there is a duplicate in Berlin.
23:24When you arrive there, you will be released.
23:28Oliver.
23:29I like that.
23:30Goodbye.
23:31Go away.
23:49There go the British airmen to Berlin.
23:52We have been thwarted.
23:54I was also thwarted this afternoon.
23:57That is twice today you have been thwarted.
24:00People attract bad luck.
24:02That is true.
24:04Come here.
24:21The battery is flat.
24:25I will quank it with the handle.
24:31Come on, bring up.
24:33Look at me.
24:34Hang on, hang on.
24:42What is wrong?
24:43I can't do it.
24:44I am left anti-boot.
24:45Oh, yeah, I'm left to leave.
24:53Wiggle your foot.
24:57On the accelerator.
25:04He has flooded it.
25:07You will have to give him a push start.
25:12Put it in gear.
25:17Do not release the clutch until I tell you.
25:22One, two, three, push.
25:33Now.
25:38Hey, come back.
25:40Come back.
25:41Oh, no.
25:42Come on.
25:43Come.
25:44Come here.
25:48Where have you been?
25:50Never mind that.
25:52To the back.
25:53Come.
25:53Hang on.
25:54Come on.
25:55Come on.
25:56Oh.
25:56Ah!
25:57Oh!
25:58Ah!
25:59Ah!