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00:01You are probably wondering what I am doing in the larder of my cafe, sitting next to the brie.
00:06Well, I will tell you, I am very fond of brie.
00:11Also, my wife Edith is a very jealous woman, and this is the only place I can meet Maria.
00:16Now, Maria, well, Maria is in love with me.
00:19So, whenever I can, I meet her ear for a short cuddle and a little nibble at the brie.
00:26Maria, my little cabbage!
00:28Oh, Renée, my spring onion!
00:30Have you brought a milking stool?
00:31Yeah!
00:32Then stand on it.
00:38Renée!
00:39You have started without me.
00:42How do you know?
00:43Because there's brie on your moustache.
00:47Renée, will we get married when the war is over?
00:50Well, the bells of victory are still sounding.
00:53Oh, Renée, you are so romantic!
00:56Oh, no, I know.
00:57Oh, are you sure nobody knows we are here?
00:59Nobody!
01:00Psst!
01:01Oh, no!
01:02Do not worry.
01:04It is Michelle of the resistance.
01:05She will repeat nothing.
01:07Listen very carefully.
01:09I shall say this only once.
01:12Your new radio transmitter is being delivered to the cafe today.
01:15It will be carried by Monsieur Leclerc, disguised as a cheese salesman.
01:20It will be the bearer of a suitcase containing cheese.
01:23Well, how will he carry the radio?
01:26He has a false button.
01:29Why, then, does he need the suitcase?
01:32The false button is in the suitcase.
01:34The cheese is in the top.
01:36The radio transmitter is in the secret compartment.
01:38What do I do with it?
01:39Hide it under the bed of your wife's mother.
01:41If I put the cheese under the bed of my wife's mother, she will end up fighting the mice for
01:45it.
01:46Then put it in here.
01:48But I've already ordered my cheese.
01:49It's for the week.
01:50I will be overstocked.
01:51Then make cheese omelettes or cheese soufflés.
01:54Have a fondue party.
01:56It is far too late to turn Monsieur Leclerc into a brush salesman.
02:01She is gone?
02:02Yes.
02:03The resistance.
02:04They make these plans, but they do not think them through.
02:07I am.
02:08That's my wife.
02:09Our time is up.
02:11Can you come back tomorrow?
02:12Of course.
02:14Oh, do not forget the milking stew.
02:27Oh, that girl.
02:29Always she is missing.
02:37Renée, you must speak to that girl, Maria.
02:40Always she is kicking off the time.
02:42She should not have it off without your permission.
02:46She doesn't.
02:48Renée, you're wanted in the back room.
02:51Ah.
02:52Edith, wipe the bar down.
02:54Can't set an example to the staff, huh?
02:58Hello?
02:59Is anyone hiding?
03:00Does somebody want me, huh?
03:02Yes, I do.
03:04That's my little cabbage.
03:06Renée, my big sprout.
03:11Parsnip.
03:12Carrots.
03:13Broccoli.
03:14Curly kale.
03:17When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup.
03:22Oh, Renée, you will marry me after the war is over.
03:26While the bells of victory are still sounding.
03:30Oh, Renée, you have a small piece of pui on your moustache.
03:34Oh, that is because I just had a little bit in the larder.
03:39Renée, what are you doing with your arms around Yvette?
03:44You stupid woman.
03:46There is only one thing I could possibly be doing with my arms around Yvette.
03:49I am teaching her self-defense.
03:52Those Germans in there, they get drunk and they jump on these girls.
03:55I was trying to teach her how to fight them off.
03:58Now, Yvette, I am a drunken German.
04:01You show my wife what you would do to me.
04:03Are you sure?
04:04Yes, go on, go on.
04:09That is very good.
04:13Show me again.
04:16But a drunken German may attack me.
04:18We would stop serving him before he was that far.
04:23Dear Renée, always he has me in his mind.
04:27I know this to be true.
04:29Oh, the colonel is in the cafe.
04:31He wishes to have a word with you.
04:33In a little while.
04:34My ernia is giving me jip.
04:36I didn't know you had an ernia.
04:38Up to now, I didn't.
04:41This new chap who is running the bar.
04:43Where is his twin brother?
04:45From Nancy.
04:46They are astonishingly similar.
04:48That is twins all over.
04:49If anything, the new one is even more charming than his brother.
04:53The one that you shot.
04:56Yes.
04:57I don't think he bears you a grudge.
04:59Quite the reverse.
05:00He appears to be very warm and friendly.
05:03He's even ordering for me my favorite cigars.
05:08Good day, gentlemen.
05:10Helga.
05:11You wish to see me, colonel?
05:12Ah, yes.
05:13I've heard in private.
05:15Lieutenant Gruber, leave us alone for a short while.
05:17Renée and I have a small matter to discuss.
05:19Of course.
05:22Sit down, Renée.
05:23Yes, colonel.
05:26Now, tomorrow at midday, Herr Flick of the Gestapo will put the painting of the fallen
05:31Madonna mit the big boobies on the train to Berlin.
05:36Herr Hitler has told Himmler to pick it up himself.
05:39He is going to give it to Ava for her birthday.
05:42You must get the forgery out of your cellar and put it in its place.
05:46But I have only just bricked it up.
05:48Oh, well, ten minutes with a pickaxe and it is yours again.
05:51Also, your new uniforms are in my wardrobe.
05:54Leave them there.
05:55They will come in useful later.
05:57Now, I will tell you what we do.
05:59Tonight, on my orders, you will close your cafe for my private party to celebrate the
06:05anniversary of the burning down of the Reichstag.
06:09Every year, we have a big binge.
06:11See, and what happens at this big binge?
06:14We drink a lot of beer, the girls put on clothes like Hitler used, and then we all do traditional
06:22old Bavarian dancing.
06:24The girls have bare knees?
06:28This sounds like a lot of fun.
06:31How does it help us to get back the painting of the Madonna with the...
06:34While Herr Flick is enjoying himself, the paintings will be switched.
06:40But how can you be sure that Herr Flick will accept your invitation?
06:43That is where brains come in.
06:45That is why he is a coronel.
06:48Helga will give him information about the party and tell him he's not invited.
06:53I only have to hint and he will drag it out of me.
06:57This will arouse his...
07:00This will arouse his suspicion and he will not be able to stay away.
07:04Ah.
07:05I have just one question then, Colonel.
07:07Who is paying for this party?
07:09We are?
07:09It is coming out of the Armoured Car Repair Fund.
07:14But, Colonel, for bare knees, my girls charge extra.
07:17It will be worth it to get back the painting.
07:21In that case, my girls will cooperate and you shall have my very best attention.
07:26You will not be here.
07:27No.
07:28Under cover of the party, you will be at Herr Flick's headquarters switching the paintings.
07:33Oh, but, Colonel, that sounds a little bit risky.
07:35The way we will arrange it, there will be no risk at all.
07:38That being the case, why do you not do it yourselves?
07:41We have to give the party?
07:42Well, I can give the party.
07:43Ah, but you don't know old traditional Bavarian dancing?
07:47I could learn.
07:48I'm very quick.
07:48You think so?
07:50Show him.
07:51Oh.
07:53One, two, three.
08:08Well, I suppose it could take time.
08:12Calder, go advance to Herr Flick and let him wring the information out of you.
08:16Yes, Colonel.
08:23Cheeese eggs, cheeese eggs.
08:26Ah, ah, I see a typical cheese salesman entering my cafe.
08:31Excuse me.
08:32Yes, thank you.
08:34Cheeese eggs, you will buy my cheeese eggs.
08:36Shut up!
08:37Shut up!
08:39Thank you, cheese seller.
08:42I am prepared to purchase all your wares.
08:45Oh.
08:46Oh.
08:47Oh.
08:47Oh.
08:47How very fortunate.
08:50Never before have I had such a good day for selling the cheeses.
08:54Yes.
08:54Good.
08:55That means you can go home without delay.
09:00It is I, Leclerc.
09:02Well, I never.
09:06The radio is already connected.
09:09And the spare battery is in the Dutchie dam with the Nobzom.
09:21the face of that cheese seller seems strangely familiar ah yeah yeah well it is a very small
09:28village and uh we do a lot of interbreeding i believe you have a luxury for me huh oh yes
09:35yes a little packet of your favorite cigars yes i believe so much trouble it is most touching
09:43thank you
09:53hi i do not know this tune
09:58i do not know it all that well myself cheers
10:09i beg your pardon
10:15it's enjoying his new bicycle
10:21i'm glad to hear this
10:24who is pierre oh he's just a young lad in the village did you give him the bicycle no no
10:31then why are you telling me he's enjoying it well there is so little to enjoy these days
10:37i was just making conversation
10:42philip and jean are going for a swim
10:50are they friends of pierre i expect so it's a very small place and there is only one river
11:00heloise is expecting a visit from the store
11:06oh dear who who who is responsible
11:10i expect it is pierre
11:12he has the bicycle
11:17listen carefully i will meet you behind the woodshed
11:38see you later then
11:49very well here flick i will tell you i can hold up no longer under the gaze of your penetrating
11:53eyes
11:54the colonel and the captain are holding a party to celebrate the burning down of the reichstag
11:59ah the big binge
12:03will the girls be dressed as hitler youth
12:05yes
12:06with the bare knees
12:07you are correct
12:08in every detail
12:11i will attend uninvited
12:13there is nowhere the gestapo cannot go
12:16you don't have to tell me this
12:18you will also attend
12:23yes he flick
12:24with the bare knees
12:25unless you wish to insult the fĂŒhrer
12:28yes he flick
12:31all the time i'm seeing your eyes being drawn to that painting
12:34i am captivated by it
12:36examine it more closely
12:38yes he flick
12:43do you wish me to examine anything in particular
12:47does everything look genuine to you
12:50very
12:53it is a forgery
12:55no he flick that's the real one
13:00i'm glad you're deceived
13:01the real one is rolled up in my high gestapo boots
13:05this is a forgery i had made some weeks ago
13:08but he flick
13:09why
13:10the forgery will go to berlin
13:12the real one
13:13i will sell after the war
13:15why are you telling me this
13:20because you will marry me
13:22i don't know what to say
13:25you do not say anything until i actually ask you
13:30oh my goodness look at the time
13:38today is your hard day
13:40i am very conscientious
13:42i have much paperwork to do
13:44you will do it tomorrow
13:45today i have other plans
13:47i have ordered an open staff car
13:50and two motorcycle escorts
13:51together
13:52we will drive around the countryside
13:55scaring the pants of the french business
14:00that's fun
14:04it is
14:05yvette
14:06maria
14:09an old woman lies here
14:11going weak
14:12for lack of nourishment
14:15how much longer
14:17can i live like seesaw
14:20oh mama
14:20do not fret yourself
14:22we are just warming up your onion soup
14:24onion soup
14:26oh so
14:27we have for you a visitor
14:29soon it will be the angels
14:32that are calling for me
14:38oh my god
14:40i am worse than i thought
14:43i must confess
14:45oh
14:46oh
14:47i have cheated
14:48i have lied
14:49i have stolen
14:50and i have had many lovers
14:53including an alphabetical order
14:56oh
14:57this is not a nun
14:59this is michelle of resistance
15:01oh
15:01oh
15:02oh
15:02techno notice of me
15:04i am
15:06delirious
15:08where are the british airmen
15:10they are hidden
15:11where no one can find them
15:15hello
15:18hello
15:18hey chaps
15:19now listen
15:20very carefully
15:21it is
15:21why is my bedroom so full of midgets
15:29now listen chaps
15:31we've had a chinwag with london and they've okayed a boat for you
15:35oh good show
15:36when do we leave
15:37as soon as that bloke leclair has forged the papers
15:40where is the forger
15:41ah
15:42he is at hand close in the closet
15:48that is the state of the forged papers for the british airmen
15:51ah
15:53i have finished everything is ready
15:56good
15:56is there anything else
15:58not at the moment
15:59good
16:03we'll probably have you away tonight
16:05right here
16:06i can't help you
16:14love's always been my game
16:17play it
16:18now and may
16:19i was made that way
16:21i can't help you
16:25men cluster to me
16:27like moths
16:28on the flame
16:30i know i'm not to blame
16:36lieutenant gruber
16:38he's very handsome
16:44not you too
16:48i should be a lot happier when helga and herr flicker here
16:53otherwise
16:54renee could find himself in quite a lot of trouble
16:57never mind hans
16:58we have a alibi
16:59we are here
17:03honey
17:06i brought your onion soup
17:08oh no no no
17:09what are you
17:10what are you doing
17:12edith and renee are away on a secret mission
17:16and they may never return
17:19i am obeying my daughter's lost request
17:23what is this
17:24keep an eye on the till
17:28i could keep the eye on the till
17:31yes you will also have your hand in the till
17:36what am i to do
17:38i can't help it
17:50and now fellow officers of the victorious german army in accordance with our ancient bavarian tradition
17:58i give you for all your entertainment
18:01i give you for all your entertainment
18:02guanilla
18:02erica
18:03hilda
18:04inga
18:06vivette
18:07and maria
18:07and
18:08white
18:08and
18:09and
18:19and
18:20and
18:20and
18:48Bravo!
18:59Our girls make very good boys, do they not?
19:01Yes, indeed. One could easily be fooled.
19:12Do not let the fact that I am a senior member of the Gestapo
19:15and did not receive an invitation to your gathering
19:18stop you from having a jolly time.
19:22Have we your permission to carry on, Herr Flick?
19:24Of course.
19:26Albert, music!
19:41Who is having the drinks?
19:43Help yourself, Herr Flick. It's home free.
19:46This is good.
19:51Well, in hell, we'll have bad news.
19:54Like you, Herr Flick has had made a forgery of the painting of the Fall of Madonna
19:58with a big boobie by Van Klump.
19:59This forgery hangs at this moment on the wall of his apartment.
20:04Then where is the real Van Klump?
20:06Rolled up in Herr Flick's high Gestapo boot.
20:08We will then ever switch a forgery with this forgery.
20:11And we will be back where we start.
20:13We must tell Ronnie.
20:14Ah, it's too late.
20:15He has a disguise and a pass.
20:18And by now, he's outside the very gates of Herr Flick's headquarters.
20:30There is a sentry.
20:31Of course there is a sentry.
20:33Oh, my knees have turned to vici water.
20:35Bring yourself together.
20:44Remember, we are German officers.
20:47If we believe it, they will believe it.
20:53I don't believe it.
20:56Lift foot first.
20:58Quick.
20:58Match.
21:03Halt.
21:05Sentry.
21:06What is the password?
21:09DĂŒsseldorf, Herr Captain.
21:10Good.
21:11Let us pass.
21:18See?
21:19All you need is confidence.
21:22Beginner's luck.
21:26Halt.
21:28DĂŒsseldorf.
21:30Bremerhaven.
21:31No.
21:32DĂŒsseldorf.
21:33The reply is Bremerhaven.
21:36I am glad to see you are on your toes.
21:51Why have we halted?
21:53I was just getting into the swing of it.
21:54The cushion which I am wearing under my jacket to make my stomach look like the colonel's
21:58is slipping down towards my crutch.
22:01I will help you to adjust it.
22:07Stop.
22:08We will arouse the suspicion of the sentry.
22:10No, we will not.
22:11We are German officers.
22:13They do a lot like this sort of thing.
22:16Just hurry, then.
22:20Everything is back in position.
22:22Good.
22:24Ready?
22:26Quick.
22:26March.
22:31Halt.
22:32DĂŒsseldorf on Bremerhaven.
22:34I am supposed to say Bremerhaven.
22:38We have said it for you.
22:39You're not supposed to say it for me.
22:41You're taking away my job.
22:44Do not argue with a superior officer.
22:47Pink.
22:50Hyena.
22:52Hyena.
22:59What is going on?
23:01This fool is preventing our entry.
23:03We have a pass-off for Herr Plik.
23:05He's out.
23:06We will put it in his room.
23:08I will put it in his room.
23:11Heil Hitler.
23:13Leop.
23:13Leop.
23:15You follow me.
23:20We have lost the painting.
23:22This is all your fault.
23:24Pig.
23:25Dog.
23:25Hyena.
23:27Yes.
23:33Bravo!
23:39Hello!
23:41Hello, gentlemen.
23:43It is cabaret time at the Café Rennais.
23:46And tonight, we bring you the toast of Paris.
23:49The star of the Follie Vigier 1919.
23:52The exotic, Mademoiselle Fanny.
24:12The star of the Follie Vigier 1919.
24:17The star of the Follie Vigier 1919.
24:21The star of the Follie Vigier 1919.
24:46The star of the Follie Vigier 1920.
24:52Do not turn on the light.
24:54It is Michel.
24:55I've been waiting for you.
24:57Now listen very carefully.
24:59I shall say this only once.
25:02There has been a change of plan.
25:04The British Airmen must live for the course tonight.
25:06You will be the escort.
25:08I have here for you a German uniform.
25:10I am already wearing a German uniform.
25:14What?
25:15Take my word for it.
25:16And keep your hands off my medals.
25:21Where is your waffin uniform?
25:23I enjoy it.
25:27How will the Airmen be disguised?
25:29The same as I am.
25:36Was that all right?
25:38Jolly good.
25:39Now all you have to do is keep as cool as the old cucumber and we'll do the talking.
25:43If you want us to sing any songs, we both know underneath the spreading chestnut tree.
25:48With actions.
25:50Chestnut feet.
25:52No, I don't think that's one of Hitler's favourites.
25:56We have a message for you.
25:58The truck is round the back.
26:00Good.
26:01Did anyone see Oliven?
26:02No.
26:03When your mother started to sing, everybody shut their eyes and put their fingers in their ears.
26:07Good.
26:08We go now.
26:08Just a minute.
26:10We have a business to run here, you know.
26:13No.
26:14No.
26:16Not the dance of the vulture peacocks.
26:19Mother.
26:20Put them back on.
26:23Oh, God.
26:24Come on.
26:25Let us get out of here.
26:41well what happens next we're much to the bitch
26:47what happens next we're much to the beach
26:57by the left quick match nearly they're cast out I'm after these sorts
27:15that was yesterday what is the bird today Munich
27:25we are taking the Hitler Youth for running and jumping and playing leapfrog on descents
27:31and swimming in the sea this day we will have a master race
27:35this pneumonia
27:49right here is the boat let's run it down to the water
28:07right chaps in you go um before we start rowing don't you think we ought to wait for a signal
28:13from the submarine
28:14what submarine submarine is going to take us back to England who said anything about a submarine
28:20well there has to be a submarine don't expect us to row 20 miles in that thing
28:28now look here you fellows a jolly brave French fisherman risked his life to get you that boat
28:33I mean look at it it's got a dead grab in it
28:38waves you couldn't drive that thing on that
28:41I get seasick on the boating lake at Regents Park
28:44well are you going or not
28:48no well are they going or not
28:51no I mean no
28:53so what are we going to do then
28:56the sentry is watching us
28:58I think a quick game of leapfrog and then back to the cafe
29:02what are we going to do then