- 2 days ago
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00:02We need more cement. Where is Yvette?
00:05She's in the kitchen with your wife mixing it.
00:08Mix? Not for me.
00:10She said she would bring it down when it was ready.
00:15Yvette, why have you been so long?
00:17Well, how could I walk through the cafe carrying a bucket of cement?
00:20It is full of German officers.
00:21But this is my wife's best mixing bowl.
00:24Which is why I was able to pretend it was full of pestering.
00:28Was nobody suspicious?
00:29One of the officers put his finger in and tested it.
00:32My God! What happened?
00:33He said your wife's cooking was getting better.
00:37What are you doing?
00:38I am hiding the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Claude.
00:43Also the priceless cuckoo clock.
00:45If the Gestapo find out about them, I will be shot.
00:48If your wife finds out about you and me, you'll be shot.
00:51We live in dangerous times.
00:54Maria, go upstairs and stand by the door.
00:57If anyone approaches, stamp your foot.
01:00I need ten minutes.
01:02Just to put one little brick in?
01:04The patron knows his limitations.
01:06He's not acquainted with the art of laying bricks.
01:09He's certainly acquainted with the art of laying everything else.
01:11And go to your post.
01:16Rene, my love.
01:18Yvette, my flower.
01:20Oh!
01:21You are the most exciting man I have ever known.
01:25Let me hold you, Todd.
01:27No, no, my cabbage.
01:28No.
01:28It is getting hard and I must get it in.
01:35Rene!
01:36Rene!
01:36It is my wife.
01:39Rene!
01:41There are two black hand marks on the back of the blouse of Yvette.
01:44You came all the way down to the cellar to tell me that.
01:47Rene marks are the same size as you and me.
01:49Yes, of course they are.
01:52Well, when I hear you approach, I think it is the Gestapo and so I wipe my hands on the
01:55blouse of Yvette so they will not see I am building a wall.
01:57Oh, you think of everything.
02:00Yes, I hope so.
02:02I have a message for you.
02:03Michelle is upstairs.
02:05Michelle!
02:06From the resistance.
02:07I will come at once.
02:08Lay this brick.
02:09But I have no experience of laying bricks.
02:12Just pretend it is a German officer.
02:16You don't think she suspects us, do you?
02:18No, never.
02:20I let her think I am not interested in that kind of thing anymore.
02:23Does she believe you?
02:24She has too.
02:25I make her sleep in the wardrobe.
02:37She is in the back room.
02:39Should I sing a song to distract everyone?
02:42No.
02:43We don't want to lose any more customers.
02:45You'd rather come with me.
02:47Psst!
02:48I want you in the back room.
02:55A little note would have been more discreet.
02:58Not you, Maria!
03:01Oh, I was wondering why we can get you anywhere.
03:09Where is Michelle?
03:11I am here.
03:12Put that away.
03:13If it goes off, it could make a noise.
03:15Not to mention an hole.
03:18Who is in the cafe?
03:19Seven German officers and two sergeants from the Third Panzer Grenadiers.
03:23Ah, that is all right.
03:24Where are the two British Airmen?
03:26They are hiding in the room of my mother.
03:28And the four-year?
03:29He is disguised as a piano player.
03:31He plays for me when I sing for the customers.
03:33Yes.
03:34He is a very bad pianist.
03:36But when my wife sings, nobody notices.
03:39The customers stuff cheese in their ears.
03:43Gather round.
03:45Now listen, very carefully.
03:47I shall say these only words.
03:49Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?
03:52There is no time.
03:54I have information that you are to be interrogated by the Germans.
03:57What?
03:57It is from a reliable source.
03:59It is good information.
03:59Well, for me, it is the very worst information I have ever heard.
04:04Have they blown our cover?
04:06We have no cover, you silly old bat.
04:10I am a restaurant owner.
04:11You are my wife.
04:13Please do not use sophisticated expressions you do not understand.
04:17They don't suspect that we are trying to hide the British Airmen, do they?
04:21We don't know.
04:22But they are ruthless men.
04:23They may even take your wife and torture her in front of you.
04:26Oh, René.
04:28Do not worry.
04:29I will tell them nothing.
04:34On the other hand, they may just work on you to drag out of you everything you know.
04:39But I know very little except your name and the fact that we are riding a few British Airmen.
04:44And then there is the radio under the bed.
04:46And the code book.
04:47And in the cellar, the cuckoo clock.
04:49And the painting of the Foil of Madonna with the big boobies.
04:53You see, she remembers much more than I do.
04:55She is the one they should interrogate.
04:58Here.
04:59Take this ring.
05:00That's very nice of you.
05:01But I don't wear jewelry.
05:03It is hollow.
05:04Huh?
05:05So?
05:05Inside is a pill.
05:07If they torture you and you cannot stand the pain, crush it between your teeth.
05:11Oh, I see.
05:11It is a painkiller.
05:14You will feel nothing.
05:16For how long?
05:17Forever.
05:19Oh, my God.
05:20All I want is a quiet life.
05:22Take that and you'll have one.
05:26Look.
05:27Are you sure that they will send for me?
05:30Hello, hello.
05:32Café René.
05:33It is for you.
05:38Hello?
05:40It is Colonel Von Strong.
05:42What shall I say?
05:43Act normally.
05:50Hello, Colonel.
05:52How nice to hear your voice again.
05:55You wish to order a table?
05:57No?
05:59Well, when are you going to come to see us again, Colonel?
06:02Hmm?
06:03Huh?
06:04You want me to come and see you?
06:06Oh, well.
06:07No, no.
06:08This is very difficult, Colonel.
06:09You see, I am a very busy man.
06:10I have the café and the kitchen and my wife and my bicycle has got a puncture.
06:17I...
06:19No.
06:19No.
06:20No.
06:20There will be no need to send an armoured car.
06:22No.
06:23I...
06:23Yes.
06:24Bye.
06:26Quick.
06:27My walking boots and I'll have a sec and make some sandwiches.
06:30But the German headquarters is only two minutes from here.
06:32Yes.
06:33But I am heading for the coast.
06:35You fool.
06:36If you disappear, they will tear this place apart and we will all be shot.
06:39No.
06:40You must go to them and bluff it out.
06:43I am rapidly running out of bluff.
06:48Hey, Colonel.
06:49Here.
06:50Look.
06:51All we need is a pair of pliers to turn the tap and a length of rubber hose to connect
06:56this
06:56old gas poker.
06:57Then we have a nice warm fire whenever we want.
07:01Well done, Hans.
07:02Oh, there's a right away.
07:05Hey, Colonel, there is a man here to see you.
07:08Is he from the Gestapo?
07:10No.
07:11He's French.
07:11And he's very nervous.
07:13Colonel, it could be the Gestapo pretending to be French.
07:16All right, Hans.
07:17We must be very careful.
07:18What's his name?
07:19Monsieur Rene.
07:21It's Rene from the cafe.
07:23Show him in.
07:25Colonel, I will see you now.
07:33Oh, Colonel, what an honor it is to be received in your wonderful commandeered office.
07:40I have taken the liberty of bringing a few simple, worthless gifts for you.
07:44A bottle of Chateau Lafitte 37.
07:47Some rather good cigars, which I was keeping until after the war was over, but as you were
07:51doing so well, I thought you might as well have them now.
07:54Some cheese.
07:56A little cognac.
07:57Napoleon, of course.
07:59And a small bottle of perfume for your assistant.
08:01Thank you very much, but I don't wear it.
08:05Not you.
08:06This assistant.
08:07This beautiful young lady.
08:09This fine example of German womanhood.
08:12Oh, thank you.
08:14Now, what can I do for you, Colonel?
08:16We just want you to answer a few questions.
08:18Will there be anything else, Colonel?
08:19Will there be anything else, Hans?
08:21Yes, Colonel.
08:22We shall require a pair of pliers and some rubber hose.
08:25Oh, no, not the pliers and the rubber hose.
08:27I will tell you everything I know.
08:29Just so we can get the gas poker working.
08:32Not the gas poker.
08:34I will tell you everything I don't know.
08:36Sit down, René.
08:39We have a serious problem.
08:41Yes, well, I don't think it's as serious as my problem.
08:44We know you have been hiding British airmen and helping them to escape.
08:48Well, I know you know that, Colonel, but may I remind you that on your behalf I am also hiding
08:53a valuable old painting,
08:54which you hope to sell after the war.
08:56One O?
08:59Not to mention a priceless cuckoo clock.
09:02Two one.
09:04No, Hans.
09:05No score.
09:06Because we're going to hand that painting to the Gestapo.
09:09And then they will leave us in peace.
09:12Because we will hand you over as well.
09:14Oh, but Colonel, that painting was to be your pension after the war.
09:19With it you could have bought your own little Berchtes garden in the mountains.
09:23If you hand it over, you will have nothing.
09:26And if you hand me over, well, the cafe will not be the same without jolly, jovial, generous René.
09:32The life and soul of any party.
09:36It is very sad, René.
09:38There is no other course open to us.
09:41But we've enjoyed your hospitality.
09:43Yes, I had noticed.
09:45We've always regarded you as a friend.
09:48Well, I look upon you in the same way, Colonel.
09:51And the captain.
09:52And the young lady out there with the big...
09:54We all think of her as a friend.
09:56The last thing in the world we want is for you to suffer at the hands of the Gestapo.
10:00Well, you are most considerate, Colonel.
10:02So, I am going to give you this ring.
10:06Inside is a pill.
10:08Brush it with your teeth.
10:10And in one and a half seconds, you shall be like a dead beetle.
10:16I don't think I shall ever forget your kindness, Colonel.
10:19Perhaps René would like to give his wife one.
10:22Even a Frenchman cannot think of that sort of thing at a time like that.
10:26Here, take it.
10:29Colonel, a little idea is running around in my brain.
10:34How would it be if we let the Gestapo find a copy of the painting?
10:38You have a copy of the painting?
10:39No, no.
10:40But perhaps one could be made by, let us say, a forger.
10:45You know a forger?
10:47Well, in my business, you meet all sorts.
10:50Mind you, he would want paying.
10:52How much?
10:53Well, money means so very little in these hard times,
10:55but perhaps a bottle of Chateau Lafitte 37 and some cigars and a little cognac.
11:02What about the cheese?
11:04You may keep the cheese.
11:06We could use it to stuff in our ears when his wife sings in the cafe.
11:15Ladies and gentlemen, now it is cabaret time at the Café René.
11:19And tonight, to sing for you, we have Madame Edith.
11:26Oh, my dear friends.
11:27Thank you for your welcome.
11:30Are there any requests?
11:35Well, in that case, I will sing for you an old favourite.
11:38Under the bridges of Paris.
11:41Would you oblige me with the cheese board and hurry?
11:47My darling, why I sing this song is easy to explain.
11:57Oh, Yvette, it was a nightmare.
12:00But I thought I was never going to get out of there alive.
12:03Question after question after question.
12:06Only I gave nothing away.
12:08Oh, René, you are so brave.
12:11While you were there, I lit candles.
12:15You were praying for me?
12:16We had a power cut.
12:19Oh, Yvette, I never thought I was going to hold you in my arms again.
12:22Oh, René.
12:23Oh, René.
12:24Oh, René.
12:26Oh, René.
12:26Under the bridges of Paris with you.
12:30I make your dreams come true.
12:38She finished.
12:41I mustn't use Gauir again.
12:46It has too many holes.
12:51Good evening.
12:54it's her flick of the gestapo would you like a table not in here i have ordered a private room
13:02really as reserved it for you her flick would you come this way
13:14oh yeah just missed the cabaret but never mind later i will sing for you privately
13:21that will not be necessary
13:26this is our private room a flick and these are the candlesticks of my mother
13:33this is adequate
13:41i shall require a bottle of your best wine at once
13:43of course a flick
13:47you will sit there
13:54you're so forceful and dominating it's very exciting
14:01very careful this is our life insurance
14:07maybe on the other hand it could be our death warrant
14:13monsieur leclerc take a look at this oh it is the fall of madonna with the big boobies
14:20can you do another one three big boobies
14:26can you forge another picture
14:36yes but not of painting
14:39monsieur leclerc is in the back room okay and england will be calling you one minute on the radio in
14:46the bedroom of your mother-in-law
14:48how close to disaster we live in this world of cloak and dagger
14:52shall i add it again
14:54yes yes but don't break it up we may need it later the resistance may have a proper forger
15:26what is the matter
15:29mean but onion soup do not light the candle till i open the window
15:39so at last you come to see your poor old frail
15:44the mother-in-law shut up here is the loudspeaker
15:58get the court book where is it
16:00in the water
16:07stay where you are
16:21hello hello this is night hawk receiving you loud and crackly
16:26pass your message please
16:28the baby will arrive a week early
16:33look it up in the court book
16:35the baby will arrive a week early
16:38oh my daughter
16:41everything crashed
16:44grandchild at last
16:46you old fool i have not put her in the family way
16:50so who has
16:52we are just looking it up in the book
16:57so many strangers
16:59i feel no shame
17:02it means the british airmen are being picked up tonight
17:05well that's a week early
17:06but i'll be glad to see the back of them
17:09hello hello your message understood
17:40over and out and things
17:41oh how can you treat them for matter in this manner
17:46it's very easy
17:50now i want to see some good tight nuts
17:53yes of course you do
17:54now michelle before i forget we have to make a copy of the following madonna with the big boobies
17:59well let monsieur leclerc
18:00he cannot paint
18:02neither can he play the piano
18:04the customer's black failures
18:07we are nobody
18:08but perhaps we could send it to england to have it copied
18:11we could send it with the two british airmen
18:13yeah yvette go and get it
18:15now we must get the bed to the window
18:18yes
18:18and tie the shades to it
18:21come on chaps lend a hand
18:23bed to window
18:23hey hey hey
18:25they won't inquire why
18:27you're going out that way
18:28and for heaven's sake don't knock any slates off the roof
18:30because staff are downstairs
18:32roger
18:32i hope you enjoy the food and everything
18:38do not disturb us again
18:40no herr flick
18:45helga
18:47i think you should know that i had an ulterior motive for bringing you here
18:50this comes as no surprise to me herr flick
18:53we are not here just to eat and drink
18:55it is very exciting to be with a man who knows what he wants
18:59of course
19:00where you ordered the chocolate mousse sent shivers down my spine
19:04why is it everybody is so frightened of me
19:07deep down i'm quite a softy
19:10destroy my illusions herr flick
19:12i did not wish to be in the gestapo you know
19:16my godfather heinrich himmler insisted
19:22i'm not sure about this wine
19:26i expect the proprietor has the better bottles hidden in the cellar
19:32i think you're right about the wine hair flick
19:34it's made me feel very warm
19:36all over
19:41on the other hand
19:43now that it has had a chance to breathe
19:46it has a very mellow aftertaste
19:53has he reached the ground yet
19:55no he's climbing back
19:57what for the idiot
20:00here i have it the picture
20:02how much longer must we suffer the indignities of this world
20:07oh
20:08shut up
20:10and seats too short
20:12couldn't you jump
20:13twenty foot
20:14and not in the parachute brigade
20:16what's happening
20:17the sheets are too short
20:18they will have to go through the front door
20:20but they will be questioned by the germans
20:23the germans
20:26do not mention the germans in front of my mother
20:29it takes so long to clear up
20:32there is only one answer
20:34they will have to live disguised as germans
20:36in german uniforms
20:37german uniforms she says
20:39where do we get german uniforms
20:41but can your girls not help us
20:43well
20:46yvette
20:47dear sweet innocent little yvette
20:50now you know i would not ask this of you normally
20:53but you will be doing it for france
20:55i will be doing it for 1000 francs
20:59what about maria
21:01she'd do it for 750
21:05you seem to be very much on edge here flick
21:08well i have had a hard day
21:11it is not easy being hated by so many people you know
21:15not when you are sensitive as i am
21:17i think you're bearing up very well
21:20not as well as you
21:25does this relax you more
21:26no
21:28but i'm enjoying it
21:33you're actually asking us to lend you our uniforms
21:36colonel believe me
21:38it is the only way to get the picture to england to have it copied
21:41but colonel
21:41if the gestapo ever found out that we have been helping british airmen to escape
21:45do you not think that they would be cross
21:50if they find out about the stolen painting they will be cross
21:53look look you will be upstairs with the girls and your uniforms will be quietly stolen
22:00after a brief but very enjoyable interval they will be returned to you
22:05now what do you say colonel the girls are waiting
22:16will there be time for the flying helmet and the wet celery
22:20just
22:23i agree
22:26what about you hans
22:27well i i am thinking about my little wife in berlin
22:30what about maria and the egg whisk
22:39i am thinking that berlin is a very long way away
22:44my wife is about the same size as maria height wise
22:52it is all fixed but don't forget the boots boots i shall check stuff for boots
23:00their boots
23:01oh
23:07get out of your talks chaps uniforms will be here any second
23:14what is happening
23:15they are taking off their clothes ready for their disguise
23:18they must not remove their trousers in front of my mother
23:25it is war i understand
23:33hey stay look at the crumpets
23:36get cracking chaps
23:38do you think we've got time
23:39do you think we've got time
23:41the clothes
23:50you french people you have some very nice jewelry
23:55thank you
23:57i have a trinket that is much admired
24:01really
24:03can i show it to you
24:05if you must
24:06yes
24:10ah
24:11yes
24:12it has a picture inside
24:14oh
24:14look
24:15ah
24:16yes what
24:17what lovely long blonde hair
24:19yes isn't it
24:22unfortunately he had to have it cut off when he joined the army
24:31are they ready
24:32well they are dressed but they are not very realistic
24:34oh my god
24:42have they forgotten the painting
24:44what
24:45what
24:45the fallen madonna with the big boobies
24:48i say chaps you've forgotten the picture
24:50no we haven't
24:51we took it out of the frame
24:53where is it now
24:58oh
24:59oh
24:59for heaven's sake try to look more german
25:01right there
25:06yes
25:08good night gentlemen come again soon
25:10give my love to the fuhrer
25:12Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler!
25:19Cheerio!
25:27Hans, there go our uniforms.
25:31They promised them back in 15 minutes.
25:33That was 10 minutes ago.
25:35How quickly the war passes when you're enjoying yourself.
25:42Is that a bit of cockles?
25:46Oh!
25:47Hey!
25:48Hey!