- 2 days ago
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00:09You are my love, my only love, once more.
00:17In me, you see a man who has problems.
00:20At that table over there are two German officers dressed as onion sellers
00:24because I gave their uniforms to some British airmen to help them to escape.
00:29However, the British airmen burned the uniforms, don't ask me why,
00:34and they are now hiding upstairs in the wardrobe of my wife's mother,
00:38who is in bed in the attic.
00:40Playing the piano is Monsieur Leclerc, jailbird and forger,
00:45who, in his youth, was the lover, God help him, of my wife's mother,
00:51and who, for all I know, might well be my wife's father.
00:56Herr Fleek, the Gestapo officer, is also dressed as an onion seller
01:00in order to trace the missing painting by Van Klomp of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies,
01:06which I just happen to have upon my person.
01:12But even worse than all this,
01:15my wife, Edith,
01:18who you will have noticed cannot carry a tune in a bucket,
01:22is about to sing another chorus.
01:25The German lieutenant at that table there fancies me.
01:30And these two rings on my fingers
01:33contain two suicide pills.
01:36But I could go on forever.
01:38Renée, come into the back room, quickly.
01:41My little chicken, Maria,
01:43I have not time for that sort of thing now.
01:46The restaurant is full.
01:48Meet me tonight at 11 o'clock
01:49in the cold room by the icebox.
01:51No, Renée.
01:53Michel wants you in the back room.
01:55Michel wants the resistance.
01:57Shh, do not mention that word in here.
01:59Oh, that Michel will get me shot.
02:01Look after the bar.
02:03Can we still meet at 11 o'clock?
02:06Of course.
02:07Can we meet somewhere else?
02:09Waiting for you by the icebox.
02:11It's so unromantic.
02:13But you don't have to sit on it.
02:15All right, then.
02:16Meet me in the cold cellar.
02:18But they get so dirty in there.
02:19Yes, I know.
02:23Michelle?
02:26Michelle!
02:29I'm here.
02:30Why can't you wait in the room
02:32like an ordinary person?
02:33Because I'm not an ordinary person.
02:36To avoid being discovered by the Germans,
02:37I have to move with great cunning and secrecy.
02:40Otherwise, I will be shut.
02:41I understand.
02:42I have the same trouble with my wife.
02:49Now, listen very carefully.
02:50I shall say this only once.
02:53You are to take this container.
02:55I see.
02:56And what does this container contain?
02:59Balls.
03:02Michelle, up until now,
03:03our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis.
03:07If I have ever said anything to offend you...
03:09Balls, jean.
03:10Oh.
03:11This type of jean is colored a very pale blue.
03:14I run a bar.
03:15I do know that.
03:17Natural glycerin is also colored a very pale blue.
03:20Oh.
03:20I didn't know that.
03:21But what is the connection?
03:23This is natural glycerin.
03:25Very gentle is it.
03:27Do not drop it.
03:28Do not let anyone see it.
03:30Add it in your cellar.
03:32At 11 o'clock, there is going to be a big bang.
03:38But that was not definite.
03:39It was only a loose arrangement.
03:44What are you talking about?
03:46What are you talking about?
03:48I am asking you to add this bottle in your cellar.
03:50It is to blow up the railway line.
03:52If the railway line does not run over my cellar,
03:56my restaurant runs over my cellar.
03:58I know that.
04:01I will be back to collect it quite soon.
04:03Well, in that case, why don't you just keep it?
04:05Because if the Germans find it, they will shoot me.
04:07Well, if they find it here, won't they shoot me?
04:10You have a cafe.
04:11You have a bar.
04:12Why should you not have a bottle of balls, jean?
04:15If I could think of a reason, I would give you one.
04:21So here we go, the same refrain, the final on call.
04:26You are my love, my only love, once more.
04:31You are my love, my only love, once more.
04:41Oh, thank you for your kind of clothes.
04:43Now, are there any requests?
04:46Two beers and some mochis.
04:55Ah, what would you like, Lieutenant?
04:58Well, I have a fancy for something a little different.
05:00What do you suggest?
05:02Maybe a small pot and lemon?
05:05Definitely, very nicely.
05:07There is Monsieur René.
05:09I have been trying to catch his eye all night, but I think he is avoiding me.
05:13He has a lot on his mind at the moment, but I'm sure he is not trying to avoid you.
05:18He's too busy trying to avoid his wife.
05:21That is very interesting.
05:28Ah, Monsieur René.
05:30Ah, Lieutenant, have you got a drink?
05:34I was asking for something a little different.
05:37What is that you have there?
05:38Oh, it's just a very exotic gin.
05:41Ah, it is new to me.
05:42What is it?
05:44Balls.
05:46Monsieur René, so far our relationship has been on a serialized weekend basis of our team anyway.
05:52No, no, no.
05:54B-O-L-S.
05:56Balls.
05:57Oh, so sorry.
06:00It is most intriguing.
06:02I will try some.
06:03Oh, no, no, no.
06:04I cannot open the bottle just for one gin.
06:06Well, make it two balls.
06:09You have one also.
06:11No, even for two I cannot open it.
06:14Well, perhaps she would like one as well.
06:16Yes, I would love one.
06:17You do not drink on duty.
06:19Since now.
06:20Perhaps you would like to give your wife one.
06:24Out of the question.
06:26Very well, I will buy the whole bottle.
06:27It's not for sale.
06:29Are you trying to get rid of me?
06:33Not deliberately, no.
06:36It is.
06:38René, Maria, give it.
06:42Will nobody answer me?
06:46I say, would you mind making a little less noise?
06:48I'm trying to get some sleep in here.
06:52Men in my wardrobe.
06:54What are you saying?
06:55I have no idea.
06:56French is all Greek to me.
06:59French is not calling for more onion soup.
07:01She may as well have to stuff more chewing gum in the keyhole.
07:06It is I, your daughter Igus.
07:09I brought you your onion soup.
07:12Oh, my God.
07:15Why is it always onion soup?
07:19Because we are helping British airmen to escape disguised as onion sellers and we cannot waste the onions.
07:24Could you not disguise the airmen as butchers, then I could have a good steak.
07:31If you did a good manner.
07:34I am an invalid.
07:36Invalides have poached eggs.
07:40Why cannot I have poached eggs?
07:44Because the ends, they are not laying.
07:46In my day, we mix their corn with gin.
07:51Such is always making them lay.
07:54Also, it would do me good.
07:57When I have a new bottle, I will bring you some.
08:04What's the time, Hans?
08:09It's no good.
08:10My eyes are running so much from these damned onions.
08:13I see.
08:14Neither can I.
08:15One whole day we've been away from the office.
08:19What will they say in Berlin if they find out we're not there?
08:22I think they will be very cross.
08:25That fool of a century did not recognize me when I tried to get in.
08:28But you had no papers.
08:29He hit me with his rifle, Babshir.
08:31It's a graceful way to treat an old peasant.
08:35There's Hilda.
08:36She may have some news.
08:38Here, sit down.
08:41Colonel, I have bad news.
08:43I have been to the cleaners for your spare uniforms and they are not ready.
08:46You fool girl, you should have bought them as they were.
08:48Yes, you should have bought them as they were.
08:50Fool girl.
08:51They have been sent away.
08:53They have gone to Paris.
08:54You ordered deluxe service.
08:56I did not order deluxe service.
08:58Who ordered deluxe service?
09:00I did.
09:02You and your creases.
09:04You try to be smart down here.
09:06You should be smart up here.
09:08I said my hat also.
09:10I have more news.
09:12Is it good or bad?
09:14But I am your superior officer.
09:16I asked the question.
09:17In these clothes we are equal.
09:19On the contrary.
09:20My onions are bigger than your onions.
09:23And I have two rows.
09:25Lucky you.
09:26Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock, General von Klinkerhofen is coming to inspect.
09:30Von Klinkerhofen?
09:32Not the Von Klinkerhofen.
09:33Hans, you fool.
09:35How many von Klinkerhofen still think there are?
09:37The telegram in your office says you are to meet him at the station.
09:40This is disaster.
09:42Can you imagine the stink in Berlin?
09:45Von Klinkerhofen.
09:46Met by two onion sellers.
09:49Hitler will do his nut.
09:52What are we going to do?
09:54We could borrow a revolver.
09:55To shoot ourselves.
09:57I suppose that's the honourable thing to do.
10:00After all, we are officers and soldiers.
10:03But I just thought that we could shoot our little toes off.
10:06And then we could go to hospital.
10:08Where they wear pyjamas.
10:09No.
10:11Perhaps René has news.
10:13Ah, René.
10:14Yes, Herr Onion Seller.
10:16One moment.
10:18Monsieur Leclerc.
10:22Take this gin to my mother.
10:25Oh, gin.
10:29I have forgotten how it smells.
10:32So long have I been in the nick.
10:35René.
10:37Take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens.
10:40It will help them to lay.
10:43Yes, Colonel.
10:44René, sit down.
10:45Oh, thank you, Colonel.
10:49Now, listen, René.
10:50I will come straight to the point.
10:52If you do not get these uniforms by tonight, you will be shot.
10:56You don't beat about the bush, do you, Colonel?
10:58I do not.
10:59Why don't you try it sometime?
11:01It's better for the nerves.
11:03Especially my nerves.
11:05Well, do we get them or not?
11:07Colonel, they are coming from London.
11:09London?
11:10Helga, the less you know, the better.
11:12Put some cheese in your ears.
11:15I'm afraid there was a slight delay, Colonel.
11:17The tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah.
11:19A Jewish tailor?
11:21Oh, I bet.
11:23Whatever that means.
11:27Let me speak to someone who will make contact.
11:30They will try to get them delivered to us tonight.
11:32Your life depends on it.
11:34So do our little toes.
11:41Come on, little chickens.
11:43Come on.
11:46It's dinner time.
11:53It is time I am singing again.
11:56I need something to steady my nerves.
12:00You know, singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage.
12:04It's lucky you are so brave.
12:07What are you doing with that bottle?
12:09I'm just going to whack my whistle.
12:11You fool.
12:12This could blow your whistle through the top of your head.
12:15So what are you saying?
12:17I am saying it is to blow up a train.
12:19I am saying it is nitroglycerine.
12:25I have given fun to my mother and the chickens.
12:28Oh, no, this is disaster.
12:30Those are the only chickens we have.
12:33What about my mother?
12:36That drink.
12:38It make your mama very frisky.
12:41What happened?
12:42She got out of bed, went to pick up her slippers, and blew the door off the wardrobe.
12:49Quick, the chickens.
12:59Oh, what's the matter?
13:00Stop throwing this corn so hard.
13:02It's still gone.
13:03Where?
13:04Inside the chickens.
13:05What?
13:06Where are the chickens?
13:08Where they always go to lazy eggs behind the edge.
13:18Well, that was only five.
13:19Where is the other?
13:20The cockle hole chased her into the hen house.
13:26Oh, so bang.
13:37You are looking at a walking legend.
13:44How would you like to be performed?
13:49I should say, mysley, pom-pom.
13:53I say, Cartier, the old girl's a bit of a goer, isn't she?
13:58That's how they don't give her anything else.
14:00Between the onion soup and that drink, she's more dangerous than the flak of a berlin.
14:06Mama!
14:07Are you all right?
14:10I'm in the middle of my performance.
14:13Shut up.
14:14All together now, please.
14:17All you do like to be,
14:20God is the same with me.
14:24All you do like to be,
14:25All you do like to be,
14:27All you do like to be,
14:28All you do like to be,
14:32Shut up, both of you.
14:34Shut up!
14:36Listen to her.
14:37Papa, she's ecky.
14:40You know it is from her.
14:41Get my talent.
14:42It has travelled very badly.
14:45Now, listen, I have to lift the bed to get to the radio to talk to London.
14:49Shut up, you old bat!
14:52Oh, I think they want the wireless.
15:05Hello, hello, this is Nighthawk.
15:07Can you hear me?
15:08Over.
15:09Of course I can hear you.
15:11Not you.
15:13Shut up.
15:14Hello, Nighthawk.
15:15Hello, Nighthawk.
15:17This is London.
15:19Listen carefully.
15:21I shall say this only once.
15:24Here, take this to table three.
15:28Oh, here comes trouble.
15:30It's not a flick of the Gestapo.
15:33Gestapo?
15:34Oh, God, they act normally.
15:36Oh, I am acting normally.
15:39Always I am like this with the Gestapo.
15:43Welcome, Herr Flick.
15:44May I find you a table?
15:45I know where I want to sit.
15:47Of course, Herr Flick.
15:49Why is it that when I'm in the room, everyone stops talking?
15:54It is in case you wish to say anything, Herr Flick.
15:57I do.
15:58Heil Hitler!
15:59Heil Hitler!
16:01Well, you can't follow that.
16:06Have you found out anything about the missing painting?
16:08No, Herr Flick.
16:09Not the smell of it.
16:10It is possible the peasants have penetrated your disguise.
16:13You must change back into your uniforms.
16:16At once, Herr Flick.
16:17Well, very near.
16:19You have heard of the arrival of General von Klinkerhofen?
16:22Yes, Herr Flick.
16:23You will meet him tomorrow at the station?
16:25Yes, Herr Flick.
16:26He will be inspecting our defences and all the main buildings.
16:30Does that include the hospital?
16:32Why do you ask?
16:33Well, in case we have an accident.
16:36We wouldn't want to miss him, Herr Flick.
16:39He is a ruthless man.
16:41The slightest sign of inefficiency.
16:44And you will be posted.
16:45To the Russian front.
16:47If you are lucky.
16:49I will go and tidy the office and ensure everything is in order.
16:52No!
16:53You will report to my room in one hour.
16:56Yes, Herr Flick.
16:57May I ask why?
16:58There are perhaps certain things you have not revealed to me.
17:04How could I hide anything from those stern, penetrating eyes?
17:08We shall see.
17:11Hey, Hitler!
17:12Hey, Hitler!
17:13Do not be late.
17:14No, Herr Flick.
17:15What if I am early?
17:16Do not be early, either.
17:18Be punctual.
17:22Hey, Hitler!
17:23Hey, Hitler!
17:28Monsieur Leclerc, clean up that mess.
17:31We have good news, Colonel.
17:33The uniforms?
17:33They are on their way.
17:35And we are going to send back the painting to London to be copied.
17:38I thought they were coming by parachute.
17:40No, no.
17:41Tonight, a plane will land somewhere in France.
17:44What's the use of somewhere in France?
17:46We want it here.
17:48Well, this is somewhere in France, but if I told you too much, the resistance would shoot me.
17:54We will meet the plane with you.
17:55Oh, no, no, no.
17:56Dear Colonel, I don't think the resistance would like that.
17:59How would you like your café blown up and you and your wife put up against the wall and shut?
18:05You would not do that.
18:07No.
18:08But Herr Flick would.
18:09We might be with you.
18:10We will see what shall be done.
18:12Excuse me, Colonel.
18:13You are not going to sing again?
18:15I have a message for René.
18:18A man has arrived to read the gas meter.
18:23He did.
18:24We have no meter because we have no gas.
18:27Why do you not stop wasting my time, woman?
18:30Why do you not just say what you mean?
18:32The girl Michelle is here from the resistance.
18:37A clue at last.
18:39I always knew you were helping the resistance.
18:42We will arrest this girl.
18:44Colonel, we will make a talk.
18:45And we will be heroes with medals.
18:48Without uniforms to pin them on.
18:51Colonel, that girl is the only person who knows where the plane will land.
18:56I see we're in it.
18:58Up to here.
19:00That makes it well over my head.
19:09René.
19:10René.
19:12René.
19:18It's all clear, René.
19:20What's the matter?
19:22Are you frightened?
19:23Well, of course I'm frightened.
19:25The countryside is full of hidden dangers.
19:27I've just trodden in one.
19:30Similar for the others.
19:34Do I call or something similar?
19:36It's the only salon I know.
19:38Where did you land a whistle like that?
19:40When she was working in Paris.
19:42She had to do something to attract attention.
19:48René, you did not tell us we will be helping two British officers to escape as well.
19:52We are not supposed to do this.
19:54They will go back on the plane that brings your uniforms.
19:56Then we can all live happily ever after.
19:59Fairfax.
20:00What's going on?
20:01I have no idea.
20:02Anything's better than that damn wardrobe.
20:05Don't move.
20:07Oh, Michel.
20:08Why are you wearing sunglasses?
20:10So these Germans don't recognize me again.
20:13Listen, have it carefully. We have a problem.
20:15Up the road is a bridge.
20:17On the bridge is a German sentry.
20:19What?
20:19There is only one thing to do.
20:21Go home?
20:22No.
20:24These German officers must give the sentry orders to let us post.
20:27But we are dressed as onions sellers.
20:29You must convince them.
20:30Otherwise, you do not get your uniforms.
20:35Hans, hold my onions.
21:01Halt!
21:02I am Colonel von Strum, town Commandant.
21:07Stand to the edge when I speak to you.
21:09Why are you dressed as a smelly peasant?
21:12What's in business?
21:13Where are your papers?
21:20She has killed him.
21:21No, he's just unconscious.
21:24René, we are German officers.
21:26We cannot be a party to knocking out our own troops.
21:30But Colonel, he was the one who hit you with his rifle butt.
21:34So he did.
21:38That is the plan.
21:40It will land in the next field.
21:42This way.
21:58Here it is.
21:59I'll give you a signal.
22:09I'll give you a signal.
22:09Have you given the signal?
22:10He's coming in now.
22:12Stand by.
22:35Come on.
22:36Don't waste time.
22:50Hello.
22:51Is this the right place?
22:52I'm an Englishman.
22:54Thank God.
22:55Where's the uniforms?
22:56Oh, we'll ask you.
22:58I say, oh chap, do you have the uniforms?
23:01Better than that.
23:01I bought the tailor.
23:03Good evening, everyone.
23:05My name is Clyde from Solomon and Clyde.
23:07I have the customer suits right here.
23:09Perhaps the colonel would like to try his jacket first.
23:17I say, Carstairs, this kite's only got two seats.
23:21I expect the tailor's staying behind, and we can sit on each other's lap on his seat.
23:26Perhaps I on top.
23:29Oh, dear.
23:30Sir has put on a bit of weight, hasn't he?
23:32Where do you wear your holster?
23:34On the right or on the left?
23:36These shoulders are very wide.
23:38Yes.
23:38The shoulders seem awfully wide.
23:40Don't worry.
23:41They're coming back.
23:44You should have kept your mouth shut.
23:46What's he doing?
23:48Don't worry.
23:49It's only a fitting.
23:50Now, what time can Sir Manager next week?
23:53Why don't we go back, and you stay behind and finish the suits?
23:56Are you mad?
23:58It's Ascot Week.
23:59The workroom's chock-a-block.
24:01Right.
24:02Off we go then, chaps.
24:03Quick.
24:04Give him the painting.
24:08Don't forget.
24:08We want a copy of this.
24:10Right on.
24:15No touch.
24:29Well, it looks to me that we have to meet General von Klinkerhofen in our pajamas.
24:35Ha ha ha ha ha!
24:39Ha ha ha!