- 2 days ago
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00:02Welcome to my café.
00:04I am happy to tell you that life here is back to normal.
00:07The two English airmen who were hiding here
00:10have been taken away by the resistance
00:12and are being hidden in a nearby nunnery.
00:14The painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klump,
00:19which I was hiding in my cellar,
00:21is now in the possession of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
00:24I have been shot dead.
00:28And I am now posing as my own twin brother.
00:32Of course, nobody knows this except my wife, the servants and my wife's mother
00:38and the German Commandant and his assistant and his secretary
00:41and most of the French resistance, but that is all.
00:44Now, the banging that you can hear is my demented widow
00:47who is in the back room looking for my will,
00:50which leaves everything that I possess to her.
00:53I am not worried.
00:54She can bang all day.
00:56The will is safely hidden in a secret compartment behind the cuckoo clock,
01:00where she will never find it.
01:02Good morning, Ernie.
01:04Ah, good morning, Lieutenant.
01:05This is the man that shot me.
01:08He fancies me like mad.
01:11Perhaps it is the apron.
01:14Your cheeks are a very good, fresh color today.
01:18Can you have an impish look in your eye?
01:23It has suddenly disappeared.
01:26What a good idea.
01:33Open this door.
01:34Edith, open the door.
01:35I have found it.
01:36I have found it.
01:38I have found it.
01:39I have found the will of my late husband.
01:41There is no need to make such a song and dance about it.
01:44Give it to me, Edith.
01:45After all, I am the executor.
01:47It is not addressed to you.
01:49No, but it would go without saying that Rene would want his brother as an executor.
01:53It has gone without saying.
01:55Gather on, everyone, while I read to you the last will and testament of my dear departed
02:01husband, who was shot by the Germans.
02:05Or does you know?
02:07He leave everything to me.
02:11I, René Artois, being of some mind.
02:15I would dispute that first.
02:18To hereby, leave all of which I stand possessed to my dear and faithful wife, who has comforted
02:25me and filled me with joy during the happy days of my marriage.
02:30I wrote that on the honeymoon.
02:33What a beautiful phrase.
02:36Look, there is something written on the back.
02:38Ah, no way.
02:39P.S. to Yvette.
02:41I can hardly read it.
02:43It is as if his hand was shaking.
02:46To Yvette, who has served so devotedly under me.
02:53I leave the collapsible so far in the parlour.
02:58That so far is not collapsible.
03:00It is, unless you put the book under it.
03:03P.S. to Maria.
03:05I leave this small billiard table, which has given us both so many moments of pleasure.
03:11I never saw you playing in there.
03:13Always René would make me shut the door and put a chair under the knob.
03:17But what were you doing that you did not want to be interrupted?
03:20Why ask me? I am dead, remember?
03:24Anyway, he has done the right thing by me.
03:28Everything is now mine, to have and to hold till death do me part.
03:32He was a good man.
03:33There was something soft and sensitive about him.
03:37Although, like you, he could be a little distant at times.
03:41We are a cautious family.
03:42We will drink to his memory.
03:46Well, do not pour too much.
03:47That is my best cognac.
03:49His best cognac.
03:50And now, it is my best cognac.
03:55Two is memory.
03:58Two is memory.
04:00Oh.
04:02It is over.
04:03It is done.
04:10What are you up to now?
04:11I am going to buy myself a new act.
04:14Why do you want a new act?
04:17You must remember, I am a rich widow in the prime of my life.
04:21This evening, Mama will promenade me in the square.
04:25Some handsome man will gaze upon me in my new act.
04:27Who is that? he will ask.
04:29It is a rich widow at war, they will reply.
04:32Oh, how young and slender she looks.
04:36I must pay my respects to her, he will say.
04:39And maybe tomorrow morning, he will be at my door,
04:42bearing a beautiful bouquet of sweet-smelling roses.
04:46Provided his guide dog can find the house.
04:51Oh.
04:55Lieutenant Gruber.
04:56Colonel.
04:57Is that your armored car outside?
04:59Does it have a little dent in the wing?
05:02It does.
05:03Then yes, it is mine.
05:04Then please move it.
05:05You are in my parking place.
05:07The Colonel likes to park under the tree,
05:09otherwise his seat gets very hot.
05:11My apologies, Colonel.
05:15Thanks.
05:17Why are you sitting down?
05:18Because my legs are rather tired.
05:22Hans, I am a Colonel, you are a Captain.
05:25You do not sit down before I sit down.
05:28You do not stand up before I stand up.
05:32Colonel does everything first.
05:34I am sorry, Colonel.
05:36Well, then be more careful.
05:37You are getting very slack.
05:40Now, gentlemen, what can I get you to drink?
05:43The Colonel will be ordering.
05:49Two cognacs.
05:50Maria, two cognacs.
05:51On Captain Goering's count.
05:54René, they have one or two delicate matters to attend to.
05:57Ah, well, uh, Maria and Yvette are at your disposal, Colonel, but could you book early because Friday is a
06:04very busy day.
06:05That is not what I want to talk about.
06:07But make a note of it. We'll come back to it later.
06:11Now, René, I am Commandant of the Star.
06:13I cannot continue to turn a blind eye to your hiding British Airmen in your cafe.
06:19But, Colonel, you are turning a blind eye because I was hiding your stolen painting of the fallen Madonna with
06:24the big boobies in my cellar.
06:26Not anymore.
06:28That painting is now in the hands of Herr Flick.
06:31Of the Gestapo.
06:33Together with two forgeries.
06:35So you'll no longer have a hold over me, René.
06:37If I want to shoot you, I only have to say the word.
06:41Fire.
06:43Do not worry, Colonel. The British Airmen are gone. For good.
06:47Excellent. Then, if you will tell me the names of the resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.
06:54Protected? Against who?
06:56Me.
06:57Well, Colonel, I do not know their names.
07:00They are mostly girls. They wear Mackintoshes and little short white socks and berets, like any other French girls.
07:08And they only reveal themselves at night.
07:11Like any other French girl?
07:14I wish I could get my hands on them.
07:16We both do.
07:19If you do not cooperate, René, I will have you shot.
07:23Oh, Colonel, you wouldn't.
07:24He would. He did it before.
07:27Colonel, I do not wish you to think badly of me, you understand, but I did take the precaution of
07:33writing a letter, which tells how you helped the resistance to blow up the railway line.
07:37Oh, you stole that painting in the first place. Now, the letter is signed by the old village, and the
07:43moment I am arrested, it is to be placed into the hands of Air Flick of the Gestapo.
07:47Air Flick of the Gestapo? You wouldn't.
07:50She would.
07:52I think it is checkmate, Colonel.
07:55René, you are smarter than I thought.
08:00Thank you, Colonel.
08:01Now, if I may suggest we just wipe the slate clean, eh?
08:04Now, you have no painting, I have no airmen, but on the other end I do have the girls.
08:10Please respect to point one.
08:12Shall we say nine o'clock?
08:15Agreed.
08:16Now, wait.
08:17With the wet celery and the flying helmet.
08:22And a great big steaming plate of spaghetti bolognese and three feet of elastic.
08:30Hans, just between the two of us, what exactly have you got in mind?
08:34Well, I thought I would have a quick snack while Maria repairs my long winter underwear.
08:54You sent for me, Air Flick?
08:55You are late. Go into the inner chamber.
09:02Stop.
09:05Take out your handkerchief.
09:12Wipe your lips.
09:16Replace the handkerchief.
09:24Turn around.
09:28You may kiss me.
09:42Six out of ten.
09:44I knocked off four for the garlic.
09:48May I sit down?
09:49No. Remain standing.
09:52I have a problem.
09:54Dare I ask what it is?
09:55Yes.
10:00I have three fallen Madonnas with six big boobies.
10:06What is the problem?
10:08Only one of them is real.
10:10Only one big boobie?
10:13One painting.
10:15One is a forgery commissioned by myself.
10:19One arrived mysteriously at my headquarters.
10:22One is genuine.
10:24I hid them all rolled up in my high Gestapo boots.
10:27A peasant tidied the room and mixed them all up.
10:31Now I do not know which is which.
10:33Why do you not send for the man who forged them?
10:35He will be able to identify the real one.
10:38That is a very good idea.
10:41Unfortunately, he is not available.
10:43Why not?
10:45He fell out of a Gestapo car.
10:48Over a bridge, under a railway line, and was run over by the Berlin Express.
10:53It was an accident.
10:56Of course, Hellflick.
10:58The real painting I wish to retain to sell after the war.
11:01To provide for us when we are married.
11:05Hellflick.
11:06I think I should tell you that I have a friend in the army with whom I have been corresponding
11:10in an earnest and meaningful manner.
11:14Give me his name, rank and number and he will not be a problem.
11:19On second thoughts, he does not have your forceful, commanding, dominating and ruthless personality,
11:28which draws me to you like a bee to a pot of jam.
11:32I will put the kettle on.
11:36You will find for me a man with knowledge of painting,
11:39who will decide beyond all doubt which is the real Van Klomp.
11:44Yes, Hellflick.
11:49Maria, you should not do that unless I am here to hold you.
11:52You could so easily fall.
11:54Maria!
11:57René, I must talk to you.
11:59I am listening with one ear.
12:02We may be observed.
12:04We must meet in private.
12:06Let us rendezvous in the broom cupboard under the stairs.
12:09You are making the curl come out of my hair.
12:12Oh, René!
12:13Yes, all right, I agree. Yes, in ten minutes.
12:16Go now! Your wife is coming downstairs!
12:23Well, what do you think?
12:32Why are you wearing on your head a dead end?
12:38And why are you taking more money?
12:40I have to buy refreshments for Mama and Monsieur Leclerc.
12:44And who knows, maybe my suitor.
12:46If you go on like this, you will soon be a poor widow.
12:50Madame, I have placed the bus chair of your mother outside the cafe door.
12:55Why are you all dressed up like the dinner of a dog?
13:00I, Leclerc, am to be the pusher.
13:03It is going to be like a circus out there.
13:06We are going to be the laughing stock of the old village.
13:08Fanny, my love, are you ready?
13:11Come along.
13:12Let nobody come to my assistant.
13:18One more.
13:21The cheese have dropped out of my fox.
13:26If you want to look really smart, you could give it your spare set.
13:32Oh, Fanny, how the years have fallen away.
13:38How everything has fallen away.
13:40Dear Roger.
13:41Oh, Fanny.
13:44I remember how dapper and jaunty you were.
13:50Ah, yes, I remember.
13:53What a pity you are so decrepit now.
13:59Ah, yes, but I can still twirl my cane.
14:04A lot of good that is going to do us.
14:13Mama, you have not mentioned my new act.
14:16It looks like a dead end.
14:22Ready?
14:24Rich widow, get your rich widow.
14:29Rich widow.
14:31I think we should be a little more subtle than that.
14:36Fairly rich widow.
14:39Fairly rich widow, Maria.
14:43Maria.
14:44Renée.
14:45Shut the door.
14:48Renée, my love.
14:54Renée?
14:56Why are you so formal and withdrawn?
14:58I am impaled upon the handle of the Hoover.
15:05Oh, that is better.
15:07Oh, that is better.
15:12Now that you're no longer married to Edith,
15:15will you make good your promise to me?
15:18Well, it is not going to be easy in a broom cupboard.
15:22Your promise to marry me.
15:24Oh, oh, that promise.
15:26Well, it is a little bit difficult.
15:27You see, I have left all my money to my wife.
15:30I can get money for us.
15:32Men pay me for my favours.
15:34Oh, but Maria, you know I hate queuing.
15:38No idea.
15:39You must be patient for a little while longer.
15:43Renée.
15:44Huh?
15:44Promise me that no other girl will take my place.
15:47With such deep stares, how could they?
15:55Oh, Yvette, what are you doing?
15:58Somebody has removed the book from under the sofa in the pillow.
16:01What?
16:03Oh, Frank Harris.
16:04Yes, just about the right size.
16:07Renée, now that you are free,
16:11when are we going to announce our engagement?
16:14Oh, dear sweet Yvette, we must not be too hasty.
16:17I have to find a way of getting my hands back on my money.
16:21You could poison your wife.
16:23With her cooking, she has become immune.
16:26No, we will have to find another way.
16:28Meanwhile, we have to lie low.
16:30Ah, on the sofa?
16:31Not as low as that.
16:34Renée.
16:35Renée.
16:35Huh?
16:35Promise me that nothing will ever come between us.
16:39I am doing my best.
16:42Renée.
16:44Can you feel my little heart pounding and pounding?
16:49I can hear it.
16:53Renée.
16:58Is the coast clear?
17:00We are 50 miles from the coast.
17:04Something very important has just come up.
17:07How long have you been out there?
17:13The two airmen have left the nunnery.
17:16Good.
17:16Now perhaps Yvette and I can continue to discuss the menu for tonight.
17:20They left because the Germans came to search for them.
17:23They are on the run.
17:25Well, that is your problem, not mine.
17:27I don't care if I never see their stupid faces ever again.
17:30Hello!
17:34It is the airmen.
17:36I would never have known.
17:39Well, look.
17:39Do not let them come in here.
17:41You speak the language.
17:42Tell them to go away.
17:43Go.
17:43Now listen, chaps.
17:44Renée's been awfully decent putting you up here,
17:46but you have outstayed your welcome.
17:48We can't walk around as nuns all day.
17:52The cherries keep going to chat us out.
17:54Didn't they suspect the moustache?
17:56You think mine's big?
17:57You should see the mother superiors.
17:59We're not going back to the nunnery.
18:01Fairfax mucked up his needlework and we had to spend hours scrubbing the steps.
18:05Look!
18:08Why is he showing you his knees?
18:10He was a scrubber at the nunnery.
18:14No wonder they threw him out.
18:16Tell them to go away.
18:18Listen to me, Renée.
18:20You are a vital link in the escape route for British Airmen.
18:23This is a safe house.
18:24Not for me it isn't.
18:26Let us come to the crunch.
18:28The crunch?
18:29The nitty gritty.
18:31Are you a collaborator or are you with the resistance?
18:34Is that thing loaded?
18:36I am desperate.
18:37I have one up the spout.
18:40That would make you desperate.
18:43Well?
18:44Look, I am on your side, Michel.
18:47At the same time I have a business to run.
18:49Now I cannot go around being rude to the Germans.
18:52Not in front of their faces anyway.
18:54I will put out my tongue at them from time to time when their backs are turned.
18:57Or put a little extra salt in their soup.
18:59But we must be reasonable.
19:04It is the Colonel and the Captain.
19:05The Colonel is backing under the tree.
19:07Oh no.
19:08I think they are coming in here.
19:10Oh my God, he must not see them.
19:11Get them out of there.
19:12Through the window.
19:12No, they can't go that way.
19:14There was a driver with a gun.
19:16Quick, through here.
19:17Renée, the Colonel and Captain are approaching.
19:20Well, keep them busy while I think of a good reason why I've got two nuns in my back room.
19:26The organ fund with my reputation?
19:29Go, go, keep them busy.
19:31Greetings, Colonel.
19:34Is there any refreshment that you would like?
19:36That is not on a high shelf?
19:38No, thank you, my dear.
19:39We have business with Renée.
19:41Is he in the back room?
19:42No.
19:43Good.
19:44Leave this to be private.
19:45We will wait in there while you find him.
19:48Oh my God.
19:49Quick.
19:49Get them down.
19:50Take these, Yvette.
19:51Take these.
19:55Stay back.
19:58Would you rather wait to my home?
20:01Stand aside.
20:13Am I interrupting something?
20:20Rene is having a special service for his late departed brother.
20:23He's not dead.
20:25The church don't know that.
20:27They were going to have a big one in the cathedral.
20:29But this worked out cheaper.
20:31His lips are muttering in silent prayer.
20:34It is very moving.
20:36In that case, take your hat off.
20:40Who is Frank Harris?
20:43He was a prophet.
20:46Hans, give it to me.
20:56I've no idea they played leapfrog in heaven.
21:02Is there something I can do for you, Colonel?
21:05Helge, my secretary, has been instructed to take Lieutenant Gruber to Gestapo headquarters.
21:10Does he know anything?
21:12I do not think so, Colonel, no.
21:14Rene has always been very careful not to drop anything in front of him.
21:20Would you excuse us, Colonel?
21:21We are just going into the finale.
21:32I think we should go.
21:34I find the presence of nuns very uplifting.
21:37We must definitely go.
21:44I have done precisely as you instructed, Herrflick.
21:47I searched the records and discovered that Lieutenant Gruber was for a short while in civilian life
21:52an assistant in an art gallery in Cologne.
21:54Was that before or after he was a window dresser?
21:58After.
21:59Let us hope he can solve my problem.
22:02I will interview him.
22:06Bring him in here!
22:25Do you have any further instructions for the soldier?
22:27None.
22:29Go away!
22:36I must apologize for the manner in which you are brought to my headquarters.
22:39That is quite all right.
22:42Actually, I rather enjoyed it.
22:46That soldier who brought me, he has very broad shoulders.
22:51I have made inquiries into your background and interests.
22:54You have, shall we say, artistic leanings.
22:59If you say so.
23:01I am going to put you to the test.
23:10Have you any immediate reactions to these?
23:14Nothing worse reporting.
23:16Try harder.
23:21Are they of Helga?
23:23They are most definitely not, Helga.
23:27Perhaps you would like to take a closer look.
23:29Do I have to?
23:31Maybe this will help you.
23:33I would have thought it hardly necessary.
23:36One is genuine.
23:37Two are forgeries.
23:38Which is which?
23:40Ah.
23:43This is an early fun clump.
23:46How do you know?
23:47When he was taller, he signed these paintings further up.
23:53You have to?
23:54Yes.
23:55This is the genuine painting.
23:57Are you sure?
23:59This is definitely the brushwork of the master.
24:02When he got to this little bit here,
24:04he always finished off with a little circle and a dot.
24:10Excellent.
24:12Now, you understand it is most important that you tell no one what you have seen.
24:18You have my word, Heflick.
24:19This is not enough.
24:20Sit in that chair.
24:34What are you going to do?
24:38The Gestapo has ways of ensuring silence.
24:44Helga, he is ready.
24:58You know what to do?
25:00Yes, Heflick.
25:04You know what to do?
25:15Yes, Heflick.
25:18Helga.
25:19That is enough, Helga.
25:23You know, of course, what would happen if I sent this picture to your commanding officer.
25:29I don't think he would ever speak to me again.
25:36Have the colonel and the captain gone?
25:38Of course they have.
25:39They left over an hour ago.
25:41Then why did you not tell me?
25:43I have been hiding behind the curtains holding my brass.
25:46Where are the airmen?
25:47Don't worry.
25:48We have hidden them.
25:49We have put them in a secret place.
25:51Someone is coming.
25:52I will recede down the back passage.
25:58Go away.
25:59We are not open.
26:00I know that.
26:01I own the damned place.
26:06Now come inside and stop making an exhibition of yourselves.
26:10What a good afternoon.
26:12Oh, my dear beautiful little eaters.
26:15I am so proud of her.
26:18They were round her like flies.
26:21I expect her hat had gone off.
26:24Now, quick.
26:25We are late opening.
26:26Yvette, Maria, take this silly old bat upstairs and put her to bed.
26:29What?
26:30No.
26:30You, LeClaire, take off your hat, put on your apron, wash those dirty glasses behind the bar.
26:34I had no idea it was so late.
26:37Oh, what a day I have had.
26:38So many compliments.
26:40So many raised hats.
26:42Probably their air was standing on end.
26:45See?
26:45See?
26:46Many of them gave me their cards.
26:49Serviettes and catering supplies.
26:51The hat shop.
26:53Dino Rod.
26:56Tonight, I will sing as I have never sang before.
26:59What?
27:00In tune?
27:02Mr. LeClaire.
27:02Madam.
27:03Play for me a few cards while I practice my scales.
27:06Edith, we have no time for scales.
27:08Already we are full of customers.
27:09Good evening, gentlemen.
27:10Mr. LeClaire.
27:11A card in C.
27:14A card in C.
27:15Oh!
27:17Oh!
27:21The piano.
27:23He is up the creek.
27:25Oh!
27:25It did this last week.
27:27Rene!
27:28Hey, the piano has gone wrong again. Fix it while I serve the customer's drink.
27:34Oh, it is the mice. They seek refuge in there when you sing.
27:38Sometimes they get trapped.
27:49Colonel!
27:51Captain, how nice that you should come into my cafe at this precise moment.
27:56Eat it! Give the Colonel one, will you?
27:58Hey, I am not captain of my scales.
28:01There is no time for scales, Edith.
28:02Very well, I will go straight into my sauce.
28:05No, Edith, you must not sing.
28:07But, René, we have new customers.
28:09Yes, but...
28:10Do you have any requests, gentlemen?
28:11Sing as Lily Marlena, yes?
28:14Oh, Monsieur Leclerc.
28:16No, no, no, no.
28:17Lily Marlena.
28:22Lily Marlena.
28:23No, no, no.
28:25One, two, three, four, pincky- pinkie,
28:29One, two, three, four.
28:35Cheeseburger's the camera.
28:36My hand is for tender!
28:39If you would be, it would always be my Lily...