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00:03Madame Payet is in the family way.
00:06She is pleased.
00:07Her husband is not.
00:09He has been in the nick for two years.
00:12Rumor has it that the father is Maurice Gazier,
00:15whose mistress is Madame Croisette, the milliner,
00:18whose brother was ADC to General Claude Cavillant,
00:21the hero of Ypres,
00:22which is where he obtained his wooden leg,
00:24which he keeps on the mantelpiece.
00:27Now, you have not met any of these people
00:29and nor are you likely to,
00:30but I thought I would just fill you in
00:32on a little local gossip
00:33because my affairs are so complicated
00:35I would not know where to begin.
00:37René!
00:38I have a message on our resistance.
00:40The communist resistance are our lot.
00:42Our resistance.
00:43The runaway station has returned to Lieutenant Rupert
00:46with the sausage which he retried.
00:49Thank you, Maria.
00:52Thank God he was not a Rottweiler.
00:56The sausage she is talking about
00:58is the one containing the forged painting
00:59of the folle of Madonna with the big...
01:01which the communists...
01:02which the communists stole from my kitchen
01:04and then demanded a ransom of 800,000 francs.
01:08Poiré!
01:10I just met Monsieur Alphonse,
01:12the undertaker, in the square.
01:13He is wanting the return of his money.
01:15I told him you were dealing with it,
01:18so he has gone home quite happy now.
01:20Thank you, Edith.
01:22This is the money that Monsieur Alphonse lent us
01:25to pay the ransom
01:25on the understanding that the German colonel
01:28would organise an ambush to snatch it back again.
01:30This he failed to do,
01:32so the communists still have the money.
01:35How do you tell an ageing old undertaker
01:37with a weak heart
01:38that his entire life savings have gone?
01:41By telephone.
01:46Nuvian 302, please.
01:48Oh!
01:48Oh, you are on duty again, Antoinette.
01:51Are you still listening in
01:52on everybody's phone calls?
01:55Madame who?
01:56What, the milliner?
01:59Another one?
02:01Well, how does she find time to make the hats?
02:04This is where I get it all from.
02:07Hello, Monsieur Alphonse, how are you?
02:10That's René from the...
02:12Now, are you sitting down?
02:14Oh, you are laying out.
02:18Embalming?
02:19Oh, can you do that with one hand?
02:25Is it, uh, anybody we know?
02:29Oh, yes.
02:30Well, he was not looking well.
02:31Well, I have some news for you.
02:33The sausage has been returned.
02:34It went like clockwork.
02:36The money?
02:38Well, it is safe.
02:41Well, no, not exactly here, no.
02:43You will have to wait a few days
02:44before you can have it back again.
02:47No, Monsieur Alphonse,
02:48the resistance do not pay interest.
02:56Heflick, I have something to report.
02:58Helga, how did you get in here?
02:59I used the key that you personally gave to me.
03:02You do not use that key during working hours.
03:05That is only for emergencies
03:06and for secret assignments previously made
03:09and approved for private canoodles.
03:13Sorry, Heflick.
03:14Conceal it upon your person.
03:17That is not easy, Heflick.
03:19You will think of something.
03:29What is your report?
03:31I have to report that Lieutenant Gruber
03:32has returned to his apartment
03:34and has been apprehended
03:35by your agent von Smallhausen,
03:37who is here now.
03:38Tell him to come in here.
03:45Come in here!
03:54LaPorte!
03:54Following your instructions,
03:56I apprehended Lieutenant Gruber
03:57in his quarters.
03:58He was in the act of doing his exercises
04:00by performing press-ups on the carpet.
04:02Did he put up a straddle?
04:04Of course not.
04:05We took him by surprise.
04:06He is outside.
04:07Bring him in here.
04:10Bring him in here!
04:25He sent for me?
04:27Your dog stole a very important
04:30Gestapo sausage.
04:32Where is it?
04:33Well, thinking that
04:35the little doggy might fancy
04:37a sausage a bit later
04:38for his dinner,
04:39I put it in my little refrigerator.
04:41And that is where we found it.
04:43You mean you have it?
04:44Of course, it is outside.
04:45Then bring it in here.
04:49Bring it in here!
04:58Open it.
05:04There is nothing there
05:05but a plate of mincemeat.
05:07Gruber,
05:08have you been mincing?
05:11The little doggy is
05:13very particular.
05:14He will not touch
05:15chunky food.
05:17But the painting!
05:18That was a valuable painting
05:19in the sausage.
05:20I know.
05:21I removed it.
05:22It's in the ice compartment.
05:28You have ruined
05:29one of the world's
05:31greatest masterpieces.
05:33If I may say so,
05:34that was not the masterpiece.
05:36That was the forgery.
05:38The forgery.
05:39The forgery?
05:42Somebody must have
05:43substituted the forge painting
05:45in the Gestapo sausage
05:46for the real painting
05:47in the Gestapo sausage
05:48when the sausage was in the cafe.
05:50Or,
05:51the resistance
05:52substituted the forge painting
05:54for the real painting
05:55in the Gestapo sausage
05:56when they stole the sausage.
05:58Or you,
05:59Herr Gruber,
06:01with your well-known
06:02leaning towards art,
06:04have substituted
06:05the forge painting
06:06for the real painting and your dog returns the sausage to your quarters cleverly mincing the
06:12sausage to remove all traces of my little spostica which i had placed on the side of it so that
06:17now
06:17i will never know whether it was the original sausage or just any old sausage absolutely correct
06:25so gruba the finger points at you but why would i tell you that this is a forgery knowing full
06:35well that it would make you cross i could have told you my little doggy had eaten it i think
06:41this man
06:42is innocent what sort of a gestapo officer are you saying if what he says is true and this is
06:51a frozen
06:51facsimile then the real painting must still exist which means that it can be found by skillful
06:59gestapo investigations that sounds more like the gestapo so the last place at which we know for
07:09certain that the painting existed was at renee's cafe you gruba are friendly with this man well we
07:16get on quite well see what you can weedle out of him if he will not squeal offer to run
07:24a tank through his
07:30cafe
07:30i think we are getting the message
07:44what do we do now if you so long ago i you have taken me by surprise
07:54i say is someone to answer that damn thing but i was forced to sleep
07:59it better be london it may be for us come on take the other end
08:09leave it alone leave it alone i have not touched anything
08:39i know how to make it work i'm glad one of us does
08:46i know hello hello this is night ox mother-in-law
08:53pass your message over hello hello
08:58captain book is waiting for peter pan in never neverland
09:03yes father i think we have the children's program
09:09no no funny it is in code code yeah i shall decipher
09:15uh it the print is so small i cannot read hello night ox mother-in-law hello hello
09:25night ox mother-in-law oh you're reading me over
09:30nana's the print is too small please send a bigger book
09:37over and out
09:42renee
09:44these muscles they're not good is your wife using a new spice
09:48such as hair tonic it comes from the usual arbor dear colonel i think perhaps one of your
09:55submarines is leaking a little diesel oil due to the fact that the raf blew it up
10:01all the raf has been shot down goebbels said so on the virus so it must be true mind you
10:08he said
10:09eva brown was 29. if you believe that you believe anything somebody may be listening
10:19colonel colonel i have a slight problem the money you promised to ambush the owner wants it back
10:24again well hard chicken but that was the bargain dear colonel i was to get the money for the painting
10:30give the painting to you and you were to ambush the communists and get the money back again
10:34we did not get the painting goebbels dog got the painting it could be in any number of places
10:41especially if the doggy ate it
10:46anyway the matter is close so far as we are concerned
10:49which brings us to the main reason for our visit girls
10:57we have for you lenny 12 liters of paraffin four kilos of sugar and one kilo of butter
11:08thank you colonel well that should cover the flying helmet and the wet celery
11:16what if we chuck in 500 cigarettes for 500 cigarettes i would throw in a fully wound cuckoo clock
11:23that does not sound much fun you wait until it strikes 12.
11:33are they going to give to us the money to give to monsieur alphonse no not an hope
11:38then yvette has a plan good in the back room
11:44in the back room maria tell monsieur leclerc to join us in the back room as soon as he has
11:49finished his
11:50so low right is it sit down now tell renee of your plan monsieur leclerc the forger has been
12:01secretly slipping away to the cellar i have sparring on him he is forging money we could get to
12:07monsieur alphonse forged money edith leclerc is not a good forger but i know monsieur alphonse he
12:13will not even look at the money he will put it straight back in his mattress he is dead stingy
12:18it is deceitful and underhand it is a good plan
12:24how do we persuade monsieur leclerc to reveal to us where he has hidden his secret
12:32leave this to me
12:35ah you wish to see me yeah monsieur leclerc i do not wish to spread panic but the cafe is
12:42on fire
12:42oh well i shall go to fire fire my god my savings my life's project
13:06my money
13:07can i get you a cognac no i am not a lewd to drunk when i am on dirt
13:14i am amazed that no one has penetrated your disguise i have been licky but i have had some
13:21narrow squawks i wish to spook with renee kill him and get me a kiffy
13:35good morning ah officer how kind of you to patronize my humble cafe what are you doing
13:43here you stupid nitty you're going to get us all nicked michelle has a massage for you
13:48sat here and she will gin you at this tobel ah i must be a boot my bossness
13:55a pelusman's lit is not a hippy win
14:01and he is supposed to be on our side
14:12listen very carefully i shall say these only words
14:15captain oook is waiting for peter pan in never never land
14:20there would be very little point in your saying that twice
14:22i have no idea what it means how are you ever going to help us if you do not learn
14:28your code
14:28book it means the plan of escape for the british airmen has been approved by london good
14:37what plan escaping the airplane from the museum oh surely you are not going ahead with that airbrain
14:44scheme it doesn't even got an engine we have stolen from general van clinker earthen the engine of his motor
14:52mower
14:53the engine of his motor mower
14:53michelle he will do is not you are going to hide it for us
14:58where is it
15:06we will leave it here no one will suspect it is the bus chair of your mother-in-law
15:19we will melt away
15:30good morning renee
15:33I was just out for a little spin, and I thought I would drop by.
15:38Oh, good.
15:40How pretty your tank is looking today.
15:43I just gave it a polish.
15:46Now, I have a little fancy for something from the bar.
15:50Maria or Yvette?
15:53A cognac.
15:54Of course.
15:56Would you come this way?
16:00Maria.
16:01A cognac for Lieutenant Gruber.
16:03Of course.
16:11Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber.
16:13Good morning.
16:16Shoo, shoo.
16:18Now, Renny.
16:21I wish to speak to you man to man.
16:26Is this good news or bad news?
16:29I have a problem.
16:30I can imagine.
16:32I am in hot water with the Gestapo.
16:34That can be very uncomfortable.
16:37Herr Flick believes that you know the whereabouts of the sausage containing the real painting
16:41of the Fall of Madonna.
16:42With the big...
16:43Correct.
16:44He has given me the task of trying to wring this information out of you.
16:50If you do not cooperate, I have been ordered...
16:55I have been ordered to...
16:58I cannot say it.
17:00Go on, Lieutenant.
17:01Say it.
17:01What have you been ordered to do?
17:03Drive my little tank from where it is parked into your garden at the back.
17:09What is so terrible about that?
17:11In a straight line.
17:13Through your café.
17:14Si.
17:16Lieutenant, what I am about to say to you is in the strictest confidence, just between
17:21you and me.
17:23René, I am your friend.
17:26René, there is another sausage containing the original painting, the real one.
17:33It is bricked up in my cellar.
17:35It belongs to the Colonel and the Captain.
17:38Then all you have to do is unbreak it and give it to me.
17:41But, Lieutenant, that would drop me right in it.
17:44The Colonel will have me shot.
17:45I will take you to my quarters and hide you.
17:52Yes, that is a good plan, for starters.
17:56Let us see if we can think of another one.
17:59I have it.
18:00I thought you might.
18:01How would it be if we substituted another forgery in another sausage?
18:06But we have not got another forgery.
18:08These days it is odd enough to get the sausage.
18:11I think I could provide a copy if I could see the original.
18:15Are you an artist?
18:16Well, I have leanings, you know.
18:20And not a little talent.
18:22Before I was a window dresser, I was employed in an art gallery.
18:27Occasionally, I was allowed to touch up old masters.
18:33Well, one has to start somewhere.
18:36Let us go down to your cellar and examine the masters.
18:39No, no.
18:39I will retrieve the painting and have it delivered to your quarters.
18:43Bring it yourself.
18:44Come at the dead of night.
18:46To the side door.
18:48Knock four times.
18:49A little trap will open in the door.
18:52Ask for Veronique.
18:56Is this your code name?
18:58No, it is a maid who works at the chateau.
19:01She will show you to my quarters.
19:03Sorry.
19:08What do you say, Maria?
19:10It is the life we lead, Yvette.
19:12It is terrible.
19:14Climbing those stairs time after time to entertain men.
19:17It is not great.
19:19Oh, I agree with you.
19:21We should have a room on the ground floor.
19:25Hello.
19:26Oh, I have with me the goodies.
19:29Oh, yeah.
19:30The paraffin is outside.
19:33Whoa.
19:34That is the colonel.
19:35He is in a bad mood.
19:36They tossed up to see who should bring these little things to you and I've done.
19:40Now, who is to get this little bottle of perfume?
19:43Oh, me, me, me, me, me.
19:45Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.
19:47Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a French girl by her toe.
19:51If she hollers, who's to know, out goes you.
19:54It is yours.
19:54Oh, thank you.
19:56Oh, Maria.
19:59We will share.
20:00We will both wear it tonight.
20:02Come in, colonel.
20:04Now, how about a little cuddle on account?
20:07Oh, ho, ho.
20:09Ah, ho, ho.
20:12I hope you are not being nice to me just because I am a conquering hero.
20:17Oh, what are you making?
20:18Ah, the speciality of the day.
20:20Frog's legs soup.
20:21Oh, it looks delicious.
20:24Save a portion for me for tonight.
20:26All those legs, they remind me of the folly beaure.
20:31Tonight, we will remind you of the folly beaure.
20:34Ah, ho, ho, ho.
20:36Come in, colonel.
20:38Captain Gehring, did you remember the battery for my psycho lamb?
20:41Oh, yes, yes.
20:42I have it here.
20:43Here we are.
20:44You peaceable man.
20:46Oh, don't stick up.
20:47No, no, no, you mustn't stick up.
20:59You stand for me, Hefflec?
21:01Yes, Helga.
21:02You are three minutes late.
21:04My duties with the colonel end at 5.30.
21:07I have to tidy the office and then I have to have a schnapps with him.
21:10I hope that you did not enjoy it.
21:13Not at all.
21:14Good.
21:15You may kiss me.
21:24Also, you had a cheese biscuit.
21:27The colonel always insisted with my drink I also have a little nibble.
21:34Now, pay attention.
21:36I will shortly be inviting you to the Gestapo club.
21:39Are you pleased?
21:40Of course, Hefflec.
21:41To be in the club with the Gestapo will be a great honor.
21:44I know.
21:46You will be my partner at the annual Gestapo dance in Berlin.
21:50First, there will be a banquet with the traditional boar's head, baron of beef,
21:54frankfurters, strudel, sauerkraut and oodles of beer.
21:58The place will be full of big noises, including Gehring and Himmler.
22:04I can't beat.
22:06At midnight, you will be expected to dance the traditional Gestapo dance.
22:11How does it go, Hefflec?
22:12I will demonstrate.
22:19You put your left boot in, you take your left boot out.
22:23You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about.
22:27You light a little smoky and you bang down the town.
22:30That spot is your heart.
22:34Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler.
22:43Yes, Gruber.
22:45Yes.
22:47Carry on, Gruber.
22:49Gruber has a good lead and has every hope of tracking down the painting.
22:53This is good news.
22:58What do you want, one small houseman?
23:00I have to report a serious case of sabotage to the lawnmower of General von Klinkerhofen.
23:05The engine has disappeared.
23:07This is very mysterious.
23:10Who would require the engine of a lawnmower?
23:13Possibly, Hefflec, someone who possesses a lawnmower without an engine.
23:18You will not be a smartass with me, von smarten.
23:23Hefflec, what are we going to do about General von Klinkerhofen's lawn?
23:26It would be untidy.
23:28Get some peasants to eat the grass.
23:33Of course, Hefflec.
23:35At once.
23:37Now, you are quite clear what you must do.
23:41Yes, René.
23:41I go to the side door of the chateau, I rat four times on the door, a trap will open,
23:47and I request to be taken into the presence of Veronique.
23:50No.
23:52Veronique will take you to Lieutenant Gruber.
23:54Then what do you do?
23:55Give him the sausage.
23:57Good.
23:58Where is it?
23:59Here.
24:01Nobody will suspect.
24:03Go now.
24:05René, embrace me.
24:06Of course.
24:09Hold me, Dada.
24:10No, no, I must not.
24:11I might crush your knuck first.
24:14Off you go.
24:16René, after we are married, we will look back on all this and laugh, will we not?
24:21Oh, Maria, we will have hysterics.
24:29René, your wife wishes to see you in the back room.
24:33She's alone.
24:34Oh, René, are you going to tell her that you are going to marry me?
24:38Yvette, not at a time like this.
24:41We are just about to open.
24:42But René, she keeps giving me funny looks.
24:46Perhaps she suspects there is something up between us.
24:51What are you doing?
24:54The poor child.
24:56Have you not heard?
24:58Her grandmother has died.
25:00She died three years ago.
25:04The shock has just hit her.
25:07Take ten minutes off, dear girl.
25:09Compose yourself.
25:11Light a candle.
25:12Oh, thank you, René.
25:14Oh, René.
25:15I was so compassionate.
25:18I thought you were waiting for me in the back room.
25:20I was.
25:21I was looking at the photograph of our wedding and it brought it all back to me.
25:25You were tall and handsome.
25:27I was young and beautiful.
25:32Yes, it is amazing what those photographers can do.
25:36René, we should have a wedding without delay.
25:39The village expect one.
25:41The Germans expect one.
25:43You are not expecting one, are you?
25:47Matin.
25:49Monsieur Alfonce, the undertaker, is coming down the road in his austral nurse.
26:00He's having trouble with his brakes again.
26:02You're coming for his money.
26:04I tend to him at once.
26:07René.
26:08You will get my money back from him and give it to me like you promised.
26:12Of course.
26:13My wife will go into his rooms and do what is necessary with the mattress.
26:19Oh, long live France.
26:21Indeed.
26:22As you say, Monsieur Leclerc, long live France.
26:25What a tale we shall have to tell our children.
26:28Children?
26:29Oh, Madame Edith.
26:32She has not got one of these in there.
26:39You are combing your hair very nicely, Hans.
26:42Thank you, Colonel.
26:43I see you have polished your head.
26:48We have to look our best for the girls.
26:50Oh, Colonel.
26:52I think I know what they are going to do with the cuckoo clock.
26:55What?
26:55Charge for an extra bird.
26:58Oh, good evening, Colonel.
27:00Good evening, Captain.
27:01Hello.
27:02Oh, Ansem, you both know.
27:05I must welcome Monsieur Alphonse.
27:08Speak to the Lord.
27:12Maybe next time round, the Aussies will grow tired.
27:15Meanwhile, I will take this little opportunity to sing for you a song entitled
27:19I looked everywhere for love and found it...
27:22Under the table.
27:23In my arms.
27:25Monsieur Leclerc, introduction, if you please.
27:27Drink the cheese, Hans.
27:40I hope you will excuse the delay, Madame.
27:43It is my new horse.
27:44He is not used to the earth.
27:46I was just about to sing a song.
27:48Oh, well, I am just in time.
27:50Sit down, please.
27:54Oh, you look enchanting, Madame.
27:57The glint in your hair, the dancing lights in your eyes, the inviting gloss on your sensuous
28:03lips, your eddy perfume, where is the money?
28:07René.
28:08What?
28:08The little parcel for Monsieur Alphonse.
28:11Ah, yes, yes.
28:12Here it is.
28:14There.
28:14Here we are, Monsieur.
28:15The small amount of money that you left with me for safekeeping.
28:41Merci, Monsieur.
28:42I expect we wanted to take it home straight away and put it in a secret hiding place known
28:47only to you and to me.
28:48Of course, of course.
28:49But first, I wish to say how relieved I am at having recovered my nest egg.
28:54It puts me in a generous and expansive mood.
28:58I would like to invite you all, each one of you, to take wine, champagne, cognac, anything
29:04you desire.
29:06Monsieur Alphonse, undertaker, swiftly and with style, will pay the bill.
29:13What, with that money?
29:14Yeah, of course.
29:16Oh, Monsieur, you are far too generous.
29:18You must not spend all this money.
29:20Not in here, anyway.
29:23Come along, René.
29:24Don't be a bad blanket.
29:25If he wants to buy us all free drinks, let's have a party.
29:29Free drinks!
29:31Free drinks!
29:31Please, please, please.
29:33Do not go mad.
29:35Small measures, small measures.
29:37For Madame Fanny, the beautiful mother of Madame Edy, 5,000 francs to buy a new bonnet.
29:43A new bonnet for Mama?
29:45No, no, Monsieur, it's too generous.
29:47No, no, no, no, no, sir.
29:48Quickly, choose a million nurse before they're close.
29:54Monsieur René.
29:56This is for your front door, which I slightly damaged by being thrown through it by my horse.
30:02And this is for your chickens, which I run over with my horse.
30:06Thank you, Monsieur.
30:08The ringing of your tail must be music to your ears.
30:11Music, yes.
30:13I could strangle the composer.
30:15René, René.
30:16What?
30:17If my mother spends that forged note in that shop, I'll cover her, we'll be blown.
30:22Well, then stop her.
30:24Where is she?
30:25Oh, Monsieur Leclerc, they're there in the wheelchair.
30:28The wheelchair?
30:29No, not the wheelchair.
30:32Have you got the brake on?
30:34Oh, no, Fanny.
30:35Oh, Bouchard.
30:37The shop will close soon.
30:40Oh, right.
30:41Oh.
30:45Oh.
30:45Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
30:51no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
30:52Me?
30:54Monsieur Leclerc, come back here.
30:58Honey, my love, what shall I do?
31:00What shall I do?
31:01Turn right into traffic lights.
31:03Take the second off to left.
31:05Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
31:10no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:10Emily.