- 2 days ago
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00:04Terri, is er... Oh, hello Robin. Where's Terri? Is she not...?
00:08Oh, morning, Mr Lover Lover Man.
00:11Does... Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? Is that why...?
00:15Hey, Horatio. How's it hanging?
00:18It's hanging just fine, thank you, Glenn.
00:19Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
00:21Not all of them.
00:22What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um...
00:25The fiscal, you know, um...
00:26The scrotum what?
00:27What?
00:28Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
00:31Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn, because Levitt has gone to shadow defence,
00:35so she's doing shadow defence, so she's no longer social affairs, so...
00:38Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
00:41It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex.
00:45I'll tell you what, though...
00:46Who the fucks Terri?
00:48Oh, Terri, did you not know?
00:49No.
00:50Malcolm's, um...
00:51Malcolm's what?
00:52Binda. She's gone.
00:53Morning.
00:54Morning, Studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side?
00:56How is your dip in the wild blue pussy?
00:58How do you know?
00:59Nobody tells you anything.
01:00You're the most uninformed gossip in the US.
01:01Everyone knows, Ollie.
01:02My Milton knows.
01:04Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you.
01:06Yes.
01:06Terri's gone.
01:07What?
01:08Terri.
01:09Terri's gone.
01:09What do you mean, gone?
01:10Er, yeah, a resignation bluff that went awry.
01:12No!
01:13Yes!
01:13Yes!
01:14Oh, result!
01:16Woo!
01:16Woo!
01:16All right!
01:18Come on!
01:19High five!
01:20Secretary of State, just to let you know, Terri's father's had a stroke.
01:24What?
01:25It's pretty serious.
01:26So she's going to be gone quite a while.
01:28Oh, dear.
01:29That's awful.
01:29I'm so sorry.
01:30I'm sorry.
01:31I was just shitting here.
01:32It was just an early morning joke.
01:33I was that close to buying the champagne and Ritz crackers.
01:37Sorry, it's just a stupid, you made a joke.
01:40Should I send her a card?
01:42Yeah, of course.
01:43That would be completely appropriate.
01:44Do you want to give me eight pounds?
01:46Yeah.
01:47I was kidding.
01:49It's a joke.
01:52It's a joke.
01:53Okay.
01:55Okay.
01:56It's Robin.
01:57That's Robin.
01:58Robin Murdoch, isn't it?
01:59That's Robin Murdoch?
02:00Yeah, yeah.
02:01I always thought Robin Murdoch was a bloke.
02:02No, no.
02:03I always thought that was Robin Murdoch's secretary.
02:06I always thought that was someone whose name I didn't know.
02:08No, that's Robin.
02:09Oh, it turns out I didn't know her name after all.
02:11But I had it attached to someone unknown's face.
02:15It should be much easier to cut out of the loop.
02:17Yes.
02:17With the factory visit.
02:19Can we send out a revised biography and not that photograph me with that fucking moustache?
02:22I look like a disgraced geography teacher.
02:24I can't help you with that at the moment, Hugh.
02:26I'm off.
02:27I've been sconded.
02:28I'm off for the week.
02:29We've begged to fucking differ.
02:30Where do you think you're going?
02:30Number ten.
02:31I got the call from Malcolm at six this morning.
02:33I've been talent spotted.
02:34He said I was over there for the week.
02:35If it's alright with you, which he said, obviously it would be.
02:37Oh, well, obviously it is, then.
02:41They only want him to make cappuccinos.
02:42Well, he does it very well.
02:43I think it's the way you wagged your finger so hard in the milk.
02:45Yeah, you think it's my finger, bitch.
02:48Where's Neil?
02:50Leicester.
02:50Poor fucker.
02:51You'd think they'd want you to achieve a certain status in life.
02:52You'd be excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you?
02:54Have you seen the whip's numbers?
02:55Nonfub.
02:56Eh?
02:57Nonfub.
02:58N-O-M-F-P.
02:58Not my fucking problem.
02:59I quite like that.
03:00Do you like that?
03:00That's very good.
03:01I think I'll use that quite a lot today.
03:02I'll use it as well.
03:02Ho, ho, ho.
03:03Well done with Fatty's profile.
03:04Very, very good.
03:05I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.
03:07Senator, what if the MOD breaks tonight?
03:09What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour.
03:13We're talking about it topping off at one.
03:14One and a half million.
03:15Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.
03:17But one fantastically enormous robotic one, eh?
03:19Obviously, yeah.
03:21Right, and how's the minister?
03:22He's shitting himself.
03:24He's practically kissing his driver goodbye.
03:26He said he felt like he was in the Twin Towers on 9-11.
03:29You know, just fucking waiting up.
03:32For fuck's sake.
03:32But everybody knows the lines, yeah?
03:34IT projects, always overspend.
03:35Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:37Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea?
03:38Would that be possible?
03:39Yeah.
03:40Try not to drip in it.
03:42I'll tell you the thing that's worrying me.
03:44Is this dodgy?
03:45I don't know.
03:47The kids' firm was the second lowest bid.
03:48He says they never talked.
03:50What does it matter?
03:51No, but you know me.
03:52I'm a man at principle.
03:53Oh, I know.
03:53I'd like to know whether I'm lying to save this kind of a tosser or a moron.
03:56Probably a moron.
03:57Is this yours?
03:57Is this new?
03:58Yeah, I thought I'd get it for number 10.
04:00It's got a camera on it.
04:01It'd be useful.
04:02Yeah.
04:02Yeah, something back.
04:03Happy slapping.
04:04Go on.
04:05How do you know about happy slapping?
04:06How do you begin to know about happy...
04:08Get off!
04:08How do you...
04:08Hang on, hang on.
04:09I missed it.
04:10Can you do it again?
04:11That's assault.
04:12Get off!
04:12No, listen.
04:13It's alright.
04:14We can doctor the crime figures.
04:15I really like this.
04:16I'll punch you in the...
04:17Your substantial gut.
04:19Fucking hell, Robin.
04:20You little fucker.
04:21Look.
04:23It's very good.
04:24We should take one of us.
04:25Yes.
04:26He's got something to remember us by.
04:29Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're going to be head of the policy unit.
04:32You'll both be out.
04:33For giving head to the policy unit.
04:34Hugh, can we do the prep for the factory visit now?
04:37Yeah.
04:37We're going to get there about 12, 12.30.
04:39Okay?
04:40We've got the...
04:45Stupid boy.
04:45That was funny.
04:46That was funny?
04:47Yeah.
04:48I don't think it was funny.
04:48I'm an elected representative of the people.
04:50Yes?
04:51It was funny.
04:53Sam!
04:54Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny Murphy, if that's possible.
04:56What the fuck are you doing here?
04:58I thought you said today, Murphy.
05:00Did you not say...
05:00I mean, what are you doing there?
05:02Come on.
05:02Oh, right. Sorry.
05:02I just didn't want to interrupt you.
05:04I never know what you're doing in here.
05:05Yeah, well, if the PM's giving me a blowjob, always better sign up.
05:08Right.
05:08You're brilliant.
05:09Cheers.
05:09You're the kind of guy beneath you.
05:10You really are.
05:11Perfect.
05:11You are a preferable bright spark, eh?
05:14Thanks, Malcolm.
05:15Horace.
05:17Horace?
05:17What's all that stuff you've got there?
05:18Oh, this is all my social policy pieces and some funding structures that I've worked
05:22on.
05:22Basically my PhD bab.
05:23Is that right that you shagged that shadow defence bab?
05:26Not exactly.
05:27It's complicated.
05:28Hey, Jimmy.
05:28This is Ollie.
05:29What?
05:29The Ollie.
05:30The stuck one up the opposition for us, Ollie.
05:33Good fucking man.
05:34Good to meet you.
05:34This is Jimmy.
05:35He'll be looking after you.
05:36Oh, great.
05:36Another Scott I see.
05:37Does everyone have to be in the Calilonian Mafia?
05:39Hi, everybody.
05:40This is Ollie.
05:41He's the guy that fucked the opposition for us.
05:44Hey.
05:45Well, that was quite an introduction.
05:46Would you just nod when the big fucker talks?
05:48Do whatever I say, okay?
05:50It's the other way around.
05:51Right.
05:52Jamie's going to put you in touch with a guy called Paul.
05:54Paul vets all the stuff that we input into the attack grid.
05:57I mean, technically, you shouldn't be doing this if I'm in here.
05:59But the mainframe's not here, right?
06:01So technically you're not?
06:02Sorry, stuff about Emma.
06:03About Emma, yeah.
06:05About Emma, yeah.
06:05Aye, Ollie.
06:06I know that you're dead brainy.
06:08But look, I've got brains coming at my fucking arse.
06:11But what I need is political intelligence, yeah?
06:14I feel a bit awkward, you know?
06:16I mean, it's...
06:17Oh, it's make your mind up time, Ollie.
06:19I mean, what do you want to be?
06:20Come on.
06:21Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year and then goes away and joins a
06:24think tank to write,
06:25Oh, on the one hand this and on the other hand that.
06:27Well, you want to be a soldier.
06:29Have you got your eyes on the prize?
06:31I've got my eyes on the prize.
06:32Good.
06:33Yeah, but what is the prize?
06:35Well, I don't know.
06:36You need to ask the brain guys, but I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers
06:40who are shagging.
06:41So this role in the here, I mean, have you got something there that will keep us working for a
06:44morning or is this an ongoing shagging scenario?
06:46Well, I think I've got one pretty satisfied customer there, you know?
06:50Do you know about what's kicking off defence?
06:52About Jeff Hallhurst, you know, and his son, Christian, Illtech, you know?
06:55Yeah, 80, 90% of it, I would say.
06:57Do you want me to drag Hallhurst in here, see if there's anything else mouldy in the cupboard?
07:00Yeah, get the minister in.
07:01Look, Ollie, see anything, anything on defence, son, okay?
07:05Anything that just gives us another angle.
07:07I mean, just ask her, just look around the house, find something.
07:09Okay.
07:10I'll see you, have a good day.
07:11Yeah, see you, Malcolm, yeah, see you.
07:12We won't be here.
07:12Oh, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
07:14Okay.
07:15Don't worry, she won't be coming back.
07:16Just give me a shout if you need anything, okay?
07:18Yeah, listen, don't touch the keyboard bubbles.
07:21Go fucking nuts, just use your laptop if you've got one, eh?
07:24So, I've been given a desk in number 10 to ring my girlfriend.
07:30Yeah, that's about the size of it.
07:33Shagging you away at the top then, is it?
07:34Yes, well, I'm not Scottish, so I've got to get here somehow, I don't know.
07:38I've confirmed that we'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival,
07:42plus there will be four local papers.
07:43Regional news?
07:44No nationals.
07:45Well, this is very much a regional event, you know, I didn't think that...
07:49Robin, all events are regional, hmm?
07:53Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere, do you see?
07:58Even JFK's assassination was a regional event, but it was also very important, hmm?
08:07Like this factory visit, you see there?
08:11No national papers?
08:13No national...
08:14Right.
08:20Not one national paper?
08:23No?
08:23No.
08:25How is that possible?
08:28How long are we supposed to hang around here?
08:30I promise, 20 minutes.
08:3120 minutes, please.
08:31We shut off for two hours.
08:33Yeah.
08:34Who's going to do the thing?
08:37What thing?
08:37We do a thing with Terry where I give her a signal, you know,
08:42and she makes up some sort of excuse about having...
08:45How are we...
08:46Oh, to change arrangements?
08:47Yeah.
08:48We've got to go.
08:49Yeah, yeah.
08:50Cabinet emergency.
08:51You know about that, do you?
08:52Yep.
08:53Yep.
08:54Absolutely.
08:56Yep.
08:57I do.
08:58Hi.
08:59Hi, Emma.
09:00I just wanted to know what, you know...
09:01Can I just borrow your seat?
09:03Thanks very much.
09:03Thanks, Jamie.
09:04Can you get your coffee?
09:05I think I'll really like you.
09:07And, erm...
09:08Yeah.
09:10And, erm...
09:10If something feels right, you know...
09:12Hi, Jeff.
09:13Oh, yes.
09:13He's in the mind of himself.
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:16What?
09:16Have they been after you for stuff about me?
09:18You're fucking wits.
09:20Have these people...
09:22No decency.
09:23Yeah, speaking of which...
09:24Have you heard any of this M.O.D. stuff that's going about?
09:27How much fucking shit is there on the menu?
09:30And what fucking flavour is it?
09:32Malcolm, no, no, that's...
09:33I'm in a Scottish restaurant.
09:34Some man's complaining cos they've under-fried his Mars boy.
09:37Of course it's Malcolm.
09:38Well, Malcolm's all sound major, don't they?
09:40I mean, that's him every day.
09:41It's like this furnace of shit.
09:43It's not...
09:44It's not good for our system.
09:45The first firm would in the second lowest tender.
09:47That's point one.
09:48That's fucking dead me.
09:49Do you fancy meeting up?
09:50Maybe tomorrow night or something?
09:51You're worse than dead me.
09:53I don't know why you're laughing.
09:53You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.
09:55I asked you out last night cos I really like you and, you know...
10:00Yeah.
10:02You've got to face the reality of this situation.
10:04OK.
10:04All right.
10:05I've got to go.
10:05I'm going to go.
10:07Oh, here we are, Hugh.
10:10Christ.
10:12There we go.
10:13Hello.
10:14Thank you very much.
10:15Nice to meet you.
10:16Are these some of the employees?
10:18May I say hello?
10:19Hello.
10:20Hello, Hugh Abbott.
10:21Nice to meet you.
10:22Nice to meet you.
10:23Hello.
10:23Lovely to meet you.
10:24Hello.
10:24Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
10:27I'm sorry?
10:28Do you?
10:28I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks.
10:31Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
10:35That's very tough, isn't it?
10:37That's very, very tough.
10:38And our hearts, all our hearts go out to you.
10:41But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?
10:45I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.
10:48Who do I talk to?
10:49Urinary and affairs like that are probably more health.
10:54So, anyway, lovely to talk to you.
10:55What a fantastic...
10:56What a fantastic landscaping.
10:58I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace.
11:01When you have this relationship with...
11:03But is that your answer?
11:04Is that your answer?
11:05Can I just say, we'll get someone to note your case and do what we can about it.
11:10You'll get someone to note my case?
11:11Nobody's noted my case so far.
11:13Stop it!
11:14Don't touch me.
11:15What are you touching me for?
11:16You don't know me.
11:17You don't even want to know me, do you?
11:19No, I do want...
11:20I'd like to get to know you.
11:22But I'm just...
11:22Well, why are you walking away from me, then?
11:23Would you like to know the facts?
11:25I tell you about the facts.
11:25The minister would love to know the facts.
11:27There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants.
11:30Only two of them.
11:31That's for the kids.
11:33Just wait a minute.
11:34What are you going to dinner?
11:34Do you think it's funny?
11:36Do you think I'm funny?
11:37Do you think my mother's piss is funny?
11:39Well, it's not funny.
11:40She's not laughing.
11:41She's pissing herself.
11:43I'm not laughing.
11:44I'm dragging.
11:45Glenn, is she still saying it?
11:48Oh, God, yes.
11:49Would you please just give me a moment?
11:50Yes, she's banging on about it even now.
11:52The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots.
11:55Great shots?
11:56The thing is, don't panic, you know.
11:58Is it what you do, though?
11:58Because it's disgusting.
12:00Yes, yes.
12:00You cannot hit people like this.
12:02Can you please shut up for one fucking minute?
12:06I'm asking nicely.
12:07Please.
12:09Now, Hugh, look, I'm going to have to hang up.
12:11Did you enjoy that?
12:11I'm going to be eager to deal with her.
12:13Did you enjoy that?
12:14I'm sorry, please.
12:14I apologise.
12:15I am giving you a number.
12:17Your dad told us that he didn't know.
12:19He worked for the company you never told him.
12:21Oh, they read it.
12:22That's the thing that we're kind of finding quite difficult to work out.
12:24Sorry, who is this?
12:25I mean, obviously he knew, but...
12:28No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss.
12:31Sorry, who are you?
12:32Well, you do talk to your dad.
12:34Right.
12:34Yeah.
12:35Well, how do you get...
12:36No, you fucking do it!
12:38That is the wrong answer!
12:40The wrong fucking answer!
12:42Please don't be aggressive.
12:43I will call you back.
12:45You tell your corporate affairs people.
12:47Otherwise, I'm going to come along there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them.
12:50Okay?
12:52Good to see you.
12:53All right?
12:54Bye.
12:54Well done, Christian.
12:56I think he's one of these fucking Popsbridge types.
12:58Won't play dumb.
13:00Well, I think you can dumb up for us.
13:01Malcolm.
13:02Yeah, walk.
13:03It's Hugh.
13:04What? What is it?
13:05A woman hit him with a question.
13:07What? What?
13:07It's got a bit aggressive and it's going to look bad on the news.
13:09Look, look, no fuck.
13:10Okay, no fuck.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Wait, wait.
13:12Dig some stuff up on the woman, okay?
13:14Okay.
13:15Actually, you know, I'm actually on my way out to ITN right now, so...
13:17I mean, I'm going to sweet-talk Pam Morris, but I could easily just pop in and talk to...
13:20I could fucking get the shit out of Mark Davis, right?
13:22Yeah.
13:23That's what I'll do.
13:23Yeah.
13:24That's a good idea.
13:24Okay.
13:24I could actually do that.
13:26It'd be a bit therapeutic, a bit of shouting, you know?
13:27A bit of fucking ying and ying.
13:29Okay, all right.
13:29It's a bit spiritual.
13:30Yeah, brilliant.
13:31Get somebody in there, all right?
13:32Yeah.
13:32See you later.
13:33Hey, mate, how's it going with the missus?
13:35What have you got for me on the opposition angle?
13:38Which one?
13:38On the...
13:39What the fuck do you think?
13:41Fucking tweenies tour dates.
13:42The M-O-D-I-T overspend.
13:44Well, I'm tickling a few trout, you know.
13:48You're tickling trout?
13:49Mm-hmm.
13:50Yeah, you know.
13:51Just seeing if I can...
13:55What does that mean?
13:57We're going to go for a drink tomorrow night.
13:58Well, that's not good to watch tonight.
14:00Come on now and rearrange.
14:01Well, she's busy.
14:01There's a bad day to get you.
14:02Hey, hey, hey.
14:03Whoa, whoa.
14:03Nompf up.
14:04Just tickle the old trout and make it happen.
14:09Hi, Emma.
14:10I've messed up.
14:11Tomorrow night, I'm actually not free.
14:15I've got a squash game with Dan Miller.
14:18You get one.
14:19Well, not obviously.
14:20More important than a squash game.
14:21I mean, could we rearrange tomorrow for tonight?
14:25Film's fine.
14:26I have seen the original Solaris.
14:28I'd love to see it again.
14:29It's a classic.
14:30It is a classic.
14:32All right, I'll see you later, babe.
14:35All right.
14:36Yeah, bye.
14:38Thanks, honey bunny.
14:40Right, I've got a job for you.
14:42Oh, this is brilliant.
14:43I love these pipes.
14:44Uh, Hugh, I'm...
14:45Can you excuse me just for a second?
14:47I'm sorry.
14:47Ollie, I've got him for you.
14:50Hi.
14:51Can he stop it?
14:51I managed to persuade him to go over and have a word ITN.
14:54Well done, Ollie.
14:54I've got a man on the inside.
14:55How does he do that?
14:56It's a spooky thing that...
14:58He's like voodoo.
15:00He's sort of like a bad Gandalf, so...
15:02There's something else big that might be breaking.
15:04You're breaking what she has for.
15:05Breaking?
15:05What's breaking?
15:06Jeff Holhurst is up to his neck in shit over his son's IT firm getting the tender for
15:11a system that's gone two billion over, and they're breaking themselves at something.
15:14Anwar's going to leak it.
15:15It's a bad day for Jeff, eh?
15:17Very bad day for Jeff.
15:18I'm bumped off the news, right?
15:21And this at least means...
15:23Glenn, Glenn, Jeff's up to his tits.
15:26This is essentially good news for me, right?
15:28You would certainly...
15:29You thought so, yeah.
15:31Glenn...
15:31Congratulations.
15:32Congratulate him.
15:33All right.
15:33What a great place this is.
15:35I love this bloody factory.
15:36Are you glad?
15:37I know this is fucking...
15:38Ben, by the way, before you go on, can I just say thanks very much for the piss woman?
15:41She's brilliant, she was.
15:42Yeah, more of those.
15:43Listen, don't tell me any more because I just...
15:45I won't be able to take it in, but I will pass on what you said to the PM,
15:48because he absolutely loves detail.
15:50Right, so, Robin.
15:54Secretary of State, I'm really sorry, but there's been a change of plans,
15:57and we're actually going to have to go in the next few minutes.
15:59I'm terribly sorry.
16:00No.
16:01I think we're definitely going to have to go.
16:02No, that's very disappointing.
16:04It's...
16:04It's...
16:05The Cabinet, we...
16:06I'm so sorry.
16:07Why do we have to go?
16:09It's...
16:10Um...
16:10Important, is it?
16:13Yeah?
16:13Yeah, it is...
16:14It is quite important.
16:14That's really a shame, because I was hoping we could stay and have lunch.
16:17Quite looking forward to that.
16:19Well, we can...
16:20No, we can...
16:21No, we can stay for lunch, if you'd like to.
16:24I just...
16:24What?
16:25No, I thought you were doing the thing.
16:26No, we can stay for lunch.
16:27No, we can definitely stay for lunch.
16:28I thought you said it was important.
16:29No, no, no.
16:30No, no, it's really fine, honestly.
16:32I mean, I can make any phone calls that we need to from here.
16:35That'd be lovely, I think.
16:36Okay.
16:36Great.
16:38We've only been here 20 minutes, so it would be a shame to go now, wouldn't it?
16:44Mark.
16:45Mark.
16:45Hi, Mark.
16:45David.
16:46I'm Mark.
16:46We've spoken on the phone.
16:48Do you mind if I pop in?
16:49It's just...
16:49I was in seeing Pam and everyone started talking about that.
16:52Oh, yeah.
16:52What do you think?
16:53Yes.
16:54It's like to clean up your own mother's face.
16:57That's...
16:58That's...
16:58Look at his face.
16:59Do you see what I have to work with?
17:01Yeah, I know, Mark.
17:02He doesn't look great, does he?
17:02Why aren't you?
17:03Who do I talk to?
17:05Sure.
17:05Are you going to use that?
17:06Mark, I'm sorry.
17:07Sorry.
17:07Don't touch it.
17:08No, no.
17:09This isn't the package, is it?
17:10Mark.
17:11That's just blah, blah, blah, isn't it?
17:13You're not using that.
17:13You can't use that.
17:14This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object
17:20and I'm going to mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way.
17:23Mark, this is a traditional, old-fashioned news story called Minister Looks a Tit.
17:28Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know?
17:31Take two of these shots of them looking moronic out.
17:34Leave a couple in of them looking a little bit dim.
17:36Put one of them composed, drop it down the running order and we've got a deal.
17:41I'm not a deal.
17:41What a deal, Mark.
17:42He looks a tit.
17:44That's it.
17:44I'm sorry.
17:45But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through
17:49and just exploiting it through camera work here.
17:52You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment.
17:55That wouldn't happen in real life.
17:57And do you know about that woman?
17:58Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman?
18:01I'm sure my researchers have, yes.
18:03Yes.
18:03Your researchers have.
18:04Well, I've got to tell you I don't think they have.
18:06Just excuse me a second.
18:07I've got...
18:08Malcolm.
18:09Have you anything on a woman?
18:10Well, I've got Frankie up there now just rooting through the bins.
18:12Hang on a second.
18:14Have you got anything?
18:15Nothing.
18:16Bloody chips, Daily Mail, bin stuff.
18:20Nothing, Malcolm.
18:21Just bin stuff.
18:21Do you know what you'd like to clean up the room?
18:27BNP, Mark.
18:29She's standing for the British National Party, Stamford Bridge.
18:33For fuck's sake.
18:34Very straightforward.
18:36Basic stuff, Mark.
18:37Do your research.
18:38Standing for the British National Party.
18:41All right.
18:42What do you want, Malcolm?
18:43Two little bits of tit...
18:45Two titties.
18:45Two titties.
18:47Uh...
18:47Go down there.
18:48Jesus.
18:51Will it hit the one?
18:52No, I know what time it is.
18:53I can see what time it is.
18:55But hold it up.
18:55Make sure they don't get it.
18:57The story is not the story.
18:59Sunita has spilled the overspend.
19:01Nobody's got the corruption angle.
19:02The BBC might not even run with it.
19:04Try to fuck up the numbers.
19:05Right?
19:06Hit the phones.
19:07Everyone on their phones.
19:08What we do is we overcomplicate.
19:10Stats.
19:11Percentages.
19:12International comparison.
19:13Information.
19:14Email them fucking wads of information.
19:17And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper
19:20or they'll be up their arses like a fucking biafran ferret.
19:22Right?
19:23Come on, unleash hell!
19:25So I give her the sign and we end up staying for lunch.
19:28How does that happen?
19:28Tell me about it.
19:29I don't know.
19:30One less rubber chicken in the wild.
19:31I'll get you out of here as soon as we can.
19:32Why?
19:33What is the weight now?
19:34You don't know?
19:35No.
19:36Well, as soon as she did the whole lunch thing, she went and gave the driver an hour and
19:40twenty minutes off.
19:41Fucking hell!
19:41I know, he's gone AWOL.
19:43Oh, for fuck's sake.
19:44So is she...
19:44Where is she now?
19:45Is she looking for him?
19:45Yeah.
19:46Looking for him.
19:50Ron!
19:53Somebody start bumping up that Q Abbott story, right?
19:55Somebody find out if you can get it bumped up to number one spot.
19:57I'll let him take the heat, yeah?
19:58Come on, let's go!
20:00Hey, hey!
20:00Do you think you're fucking immune?
20:02You're neck-plugging!
20:03Right.
20:03Can you handle that fuckwit?
20:05Can you fucking handle it?
20:07Yes, I can handle it.
20:09Don't even think about it!
20:11Emma, not right now.
20:13Fucking nothing!
20:14Are you off your head?
20:16Don't give me any fucking static!
20:18Just ring her back now!
20:19You need to meet her for coffee as soon as!
20:20What?
20:21Sometimes I...
20:22You know, when you meet the real...
20:24The actual people...
20:26I mean, you just look at...
20:28Beady eyes and mean mouths, sort of sneering, and...
20:33I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it,
20:37but I just find myself thinking they're...
20:39They're from a different fucking species.
20:41You know, with their t-shirts, and weird trousers, and taybars, and...
20:44Why do they wear clothes with writing on?
20:46And why are they so fucking fat?
20:48I know, and stupid.
20:49God, I hate this place.
20:50Ah, Ollie!
20:51It's Glenn.
20:52I've got Hugh for you.
20:54Right.
20:54Ollie.
20:56Yeah, hi.
20:56So, is Malcolm doing his witchcraft?
20:58Did he send his flying monkeys in?
21:00Bernard, where's the fucking facts on the stand-up?
21:02Erm...
21:02Not exactly, Hugh.
21:04Not exactly.
21:06Wait a second.
21:07This other story, he's not going to stitch me up on this, is he?
21:10Everything is incredibly busy in here right now.
21:13I just need you to keep me out of the firing line, Ollie.
21:17It's slightly difficult, you know, because I'm only one pawn in this,
21:21and a pawn can't take a queen, can it?
21:23Yes, it can.
21:24Technically, yes, of course it can, but, you know, I mean...
21:27A queen is a lot bigger than a pawn, isn't it?
21:29No, but if you get a pawn over to the other side of the board, Ollie,
21:31it can become a queen, or a bishop, or a senior advisor,
21:36you know what I'm saying?
21:37Yes, yes, I understand.
21:40I really need you to keep me out of the firing line,
21:43get the heat off me.
21:44Please, please, please help me.
21:47Ollie, I'm out.
21:49That's not it.
21:49That's not it.
21:50I'm out.
21:51Your son knew it was a difficult position,
21:52but he didn't want to lose the money.
21:53He didn't lie, though.
21:54He didn't lie, though.
21:54He just didn't tell me either.
21:57You can just write me a resignation letter.
21:59Okay, okay, okay.
21:59If you ask people to believe...
22:01What are you doing?
22:02I was having a fag.
22:05Ollie, we need you to fuck Hugh for us.
22:09Okay?
22:10Okay.
22:11I need you to go over to Mark Davis at ITN, right?
22:15They're 50-50 on bumping Hugh up to the top of the bill
22:17with a piss woman, right?
22:18Could you sell that out for me?
22:19Good lad, okay.
22:20See you later.
22:23Oh, nice.
22:24Oh, nice.
22:24Very nice.
22:25Oh, for fuck's sake, you big fucking prick!
22:28I'll cut your fucking ears off!
22:29We need it done!
22:30When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scott.
22:33In tragic cases like that.
22:35She's not dead.
22:36She's not dead.
22:37Yes, please.
22:38I'm from Number 10, Downing Street, and we want you to take this M.O.D. story that you're planning
22:46on running.
22:46First, write down in your schedules and bring the Hugh Abbott story right up.
22:52You want to mark them, Sponboys?
22:54Yeah.
22:55Well, we work together.
22:56Well, look, it's Romfuck, okay?
22:59This story, the Hugh Abbott...
23:00What the fuck is Romfuck?
23:03It's a Number 10 word.
23:04We need you to take this down.
23:06Or what?
23:07Well, all the public service news values of your corporation are seriously skewed,
23:15and the public service aspect of that will be very badly served.
23:19What can we get you?
23:20How can...
23:21What can we...
23:22I've got your man there, looking like a prat, and his advisor pretty much telling a member of the public
23:26to fuck off.
23:27Right.
23:29Although...
23:29If that's gonna run, I need a picture of the advisor.
23:32You just bear with me.
23:33For fuck's sake.
23:34Oliver, reader.
23:35Have you sorted it, Ollie?
23:37Well, yeah.
23:37It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm.
23:39It's difficult.
23:39Should I send Jamie over?
23:40Would you like that?
23:41No, no.
23:42You and Jamie and our rubber truncheon locked in that fucking newspaper.
23:45No, I'm fine.
23:46Make me happy.
23:47Bring me sunshine.
23:49Right.
23:50I'll make you happy, Malcolm.
23:52Dickwad.
23:55Oliver, reader.
23:56Hey, what ain't you shake, buddy?
23:57You done it yet?
23:58I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try...
24:00Fucking hurry up!
24:01Get off the fucking phone!
24:04Fuck's sake.
24:07I'm fucking doing it.
24:08I'm just...
24:11Sorry, Emma.
24:11Yeah, hi.
24:12I'm stuck in a meeting about equal pay.
24:15It's just...
24:16It's gone.
24:16It's gone over.
24:17But hey, you know, tonight, we still on?
24:21Yeah.
24:22Yeah, Solaris.
24:23Here we come.
24:24Bye.
24:25Right.
24:27I demand...
24:27Fuck off.
24:28Give me the picture.
24:29It's already been done.
24:30We've had words upstairs.
24:31That's him on the left.
24:32Can you get that off the phone?
24:34Yeah, perfect.
24:34We can do that, can't we?
24:35All right.
24:37Have you, though?
24:38What?
24:38Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
24:40No, I never knew my mother.
24:41You, as you remember.
24:43Have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
24:45No.
24:46I never cleaned her piss.
24:47It wasn't that kind of relationship.
24:49No, nor me.
24:50I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss.
24:53I mean, you know, loads of it.
24:55But, you know, it's only piss.
24:57It's...
24:57Yeah, thanks.
24:59Yeah.
24:59I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something,
25:03but it's...
25:03What's a bit of piss?
25:04I could stay for a minute.
25:06No, don't.
25:06Just go home.
25:09Where do you think we'll come in the running order?
25:12All right, folks, here we go.
25:13Tonight, dramatic...
25:15Yeah!
25:17...of voter hangout over the NHS.
25:19Anything other than number one spot is a big win.
25:22...spin doctor thought our tape stopped running.
25:24Can you please shut up for one f***ing minute?
25:27Oh, oh, oh.
25:28He is so f***ful.
25:31Hey.
25:32Good photo.
25:33Yeah.
25:34Well, you know, it's a good phone place.
25:36What a fantastic...
25:36What a fantastic...
25:37What a fantastic...
25:42Who do you think looked worse?
25:44You or me?
25:45Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad.
25:48I suppose on balance, um...
25:50Honestly...
25:51You.
25:52Really.
26:00I don't know if I'm going to survive this, Hugh.
26:03They're going to be all over me like shingles.
26:05Oh.
26:06They are all over me like shingles.
26:16It'll be okay.
26:17Do you think?
26:19Yeah, it'll probably be fine.
26:21So we had the whole front of the train, and then when we...
26:25You're not going to get that, Ollie?
26:27Nah.
26:27I've been on that all day in microwaves.
26:29I've got a tumour coming on.
26:30I think I've got a touch of the brain tumours as well.
26:32He's not much a f***ing soldier, is he?
26:35He's a lover.
26:36No.
26:37Ollie, hi.
26:38It's Hugh.
26:39I just wanted to say thank you very, very much.
26:42The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque.
26:45Really very Malkiavellian, if you know what I mean.
26:48Well done.
26:49Bye-bye.
26:50Hello, Ollie.
26:51Just seen myself on the news, okay?
26:53Let's get something done now, and I'll be phoning you every day
26:56until we do sort out my mother and...