- 2 days ago
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00:00:05Dear Seven, all the housemates are in the kitchen.
00:00:12I'm talking about her!
00:00:17God's sake!
00:00:18Shut up!
00:00:19Listen to me!
00:00:20Shut up!
00:00:21You shut up!
00:00:22I tell you what, you come over here, put in all your big size!
00:00:25Let's go, let's go, let's go!
00:00:38Rita, what on earth are you doing?
00:00:39I'm learning to play the recorder.
00:00:42Why?
00:00:42Well, it's the school's idea.
00:00:43They say that every now and then you should swap places with your child
00:00:46so each of you gets to see how the other half lives.
00:00:48So I'm learning how to play the recorder.
00:00:51What's your daughter doing?
00:00:52Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin thinking about her failed marriage.
00:00:56Rita, you are a card.
00:00:58Yeah.
00:00:59The Joker.
00:01:01Oh, it's no good.
00:01:04It's too difficult.
00:01:05Rita, I used to play the recorder at school.
00:01:09Let me help you learn.
00:01:10Oh, thank you, Braves.
00:01:11OK, so, yes, Mr Yamaguchi.
00:01:13No, Mr Yamaguchi.
00:01:15Can I just say it one more time?
00:01:16I am velly velly solly.
00:01:18I mean, I'm very, very sorry.
00:01:19Yes, arseholes to you two.
00:01:21Arseholes, arseholes to you two.
00:01:22Come back.
00:01:25Rita, just relax.
00:01:28Oh?
00:01:28But it's so hard.
00:01:33Just take it in your hand.
00:01:35Baby?
00:01:36And blow.
00:01:38Don't suck.
00:01:39Baby?
00:01:41Oh, that's good.
00:01:44What the bloody hell is going on here?
00:01:46Oh, sorry, Mr Stokes.
00:01:48I don't know when I'm blowing and when I'm sucking.
00:01:50Who?
00:01:51He's learning to play the recorder, Mr Stokes.
00:01:53What does it record?
00:01:55Eh?
00:01:55What does it record?
00:01:57It doesn't record anything.
00:01:58What's he called a recorder for, then?
00:02:00I don't get it.
00:02:03Are you having a laugh?
00:02:03Is he having a laugh?
00:02:13Oh, sometimes, Gobbler.
00:02:15Raymond!
00:02:16Oh, my God.
00:02:17What is it?
00:02:18It can't be.
00:02:19Raymond!
00:02:20It's only my bloody twin sister.
00:02:26Hello, Raymond.
00:02:27What are you doing here?
00:02:29A young girl gets lonely.
00:02:30Maybe so, but what are you doing?
00:02:32forgotten it, too.
00:02:43It can't change.
00:02:51It can be cold, it can't change.
00:02:54I think of her.
00:02:54But they did, too.
00:02:57I think she or her.
00:02:57To beCommerce.
00:02:58Who are you singing before?
00:02:58All in the除 be.
00:03:04Mr. Millman.
00:03:05What?
00:03:05Hello there. Sorry to bother you.
00:03:07I saw you in here. My name's Richard. I'm the manager.
00:03:09Hi.
00:03:10You've got to help me.
00:03:11Why?
00:03:11Would you mind signing a few of these?
00:03:13What now?
00:03:14Well, they're not moving.
00:03:15Just as many as you can manage.
00:03:16If you sign ten, that's ten we've got more chance of selling.
00:03:19I thought the public had lopped this tat up for Christmas,
00:03:21but they're more discerning than I thought.
00:03:22Sure.
00:03:23Even the Jade Goody doll's selling better than this.
00:03:26Am I minging?
00:03:30She'll be poppadum. She'll be fuckawala.
00:03:34It's cheap and ugly. I suppose that's the problem.
00:03:36Yeah, it is ugly.
00:03:38Are you having a laugh? Are you having a laugh? Are you having a laugh?
00:03:42Who'd have thought people would eventually find that irritating?
00:03:45The thing is, you've got to order these things like a year in advance.
00:03:47Still, I won't make the same mistake again.
00:03:50No.
00:03:50And I'll make my money back next Christmas.
00:03:53I've ordered 10,000 Scissor Sister dolls.
00:03:56Well, you're laughing then, aren't you?
00:04:00What would you rather do, right?
00:04:02Never celebrate Christmas ever, or have Christmas every day?
00:04:06If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?
00:04:08Nothing. It's Christmas. You just sit up home, watching the tummy, having the day off.
00:04:12What? So no one works? There's no industry, no government. It's chaos.
00:04:14So you'd rather never celebrate Christmas?
00:04:16Well, yeah, that was the choice.
00:04:18So you'd be Jewish? They don't celebrate Christmas.
00:04:20Why would I suddenly be Jewish?
00:04:23Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
00:04:28Ready?
00:04:30Yes.
00:04:43Look, it's Greg in a film.
00:04:45Oh, come on. We can't watch telly in the day.
00:04:46Oh, wait. I want to see.
00:04:48No man has the right to kill his brother. There's no excuse to do so in uniform. It merely adds
00:04:52the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
00:04:56I love Clive Oren.
00:04:58Clive. Good name for a film star.
00:05:02If we must have a target, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business.
00:05:06And let us fall by the axe, and not by the witch's cleaver.
00:05:13Greg seems good, isn't it?
00:05:14That was a clip from Byron and I.
00:05:16I'm joined by Clive Oren and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads of the film.
00:05:19He's one of the leads.
00:05:20Now, a lot of people are never certain whether I've enjoyed periods.
00:05:22In a terrible film.
00:05:23I thought the film was brilliant.
00:05:24He thought it was brilliant.
00:05:25Oh, I can hear. What am I?
00:05:26The fact that it's an action film as well as a period drama.
00:05:29Clive, you're Byron, of course, but Greg, you play Shelley.
00:05:31And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting breakthrough performances I think I've ever seen.
00:05:35Well, thank you very much.
00:05:36How is it for you working with such an established star as Clive Oren?
00:05:39I hope you don't mind me saying this.
00:05:40He's such a down-to-earth guy. He's just so real.
00:05:43We had a good time, didn't we?
00:05:44We had a great time.
00:05:45And we got on really well.
00:05:46I know a lot of people say that, but we really, really did get on well.
00:05:50I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things.
00:05:52They're not even selling, apparently.
00:05:53It's so embarrassing.
00:05:54They're going to be loads of them lying around in bargain bins for ages.
00:05:56Cheap tat.
00:05:57Well, yeah, but they cut the price to try and shift a few.
00:05:59But the good thing is that because they're so cheap to manufacture,
00:06:01we're still getting about 40p a time, you know, because they're made in sweatshops.
00:06:04Oh, thank God for the exploitation of 10-year-old children.
00:06:06Absolutely.
00:06:07And the funny thing is, of course, that's your key demographic as well, isn't it, kids?
00:06:09So, you know, even if they're doing like a 14-hour day,
00:06:11they're probably having a whale of a time, you know, pressing it.
00:06:12You're having a laugh.
00:06:13They're probably enjoying themselves.
00:06:13It's nice.
00:06:14I hope it doesn't distract them from their work.
00:06:15They'll probably get a beating.
00:06:16I don't want to hear this.
00:06:17Don't listen to him.
00:06:18They wouldn't work there if they didn't like it.
00:06:19I don't think they get a lot of choice, to be honest.
00:06:21As Henri Matisse once said,
00:06:22derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work,
00:06:25from illuminating the fog that surrounds us.
00:06:27Yeah?
00:06:27What are you working on today?
00:06:28I'm trying to get this dog mug out of his shoe.
00:06:30It's a nightmare.
00:06:30Next door is Great Dane.
00:06:31The stench is unbelievable.
00:06:33I've seen them feeding eggs, hard-bought eggs to a dog.
00:06:35It's mad, isn't it?
00:06:35Really?
00:06:36I don't care.
00:06:36Are you sure?
00:06:37I don't want to be associated with this sort of stuff.
00:06:39To the general public, there's no difference between me and that doll.
00:06:41What, little fat ugly thing?
00:06:42Pathetic?
00:06:42No.
00:06:43No.
00:06:43I put on a wig and shout out a catchphrase.
00:06:46I want to be associated with credible stuff.
00:06:48Well, you know, we've had offers.
00:06:50Apart in the BBC's Jewel in the Crown, Doctor Who.
00:06:53No.
00:06:55Hotel Babylon?
00:06:56No, I don't want to do camp frothy nonsense.
00:06:59I want to do something classy.
00:07:00Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
00:07:02You're not listening.
00:07:02It's good money.
00:07:03Not in a million years.
00:07:04What about films?
00:07:05What happened to films?
00:07:06Okay, now, this is interesting.
00:07:06We did have a call.
00:07:07Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
00:07:09Yeah.
00:07:09Right?
00:07:09Well, they're making a sequel.
00:07:11Should be classy, should be good.
00:07:12It's about what it means to be a man.
00:07:13It's about honour.
00:07:14It's about integrity.
00:07:15They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
00:07:16Right.
00:07:17Obviously, I said no.
00:07:18But I thought that was very positive.
00:07:18What do you mean you said no?
00:07:19Well, they were asking for someone who's, you know, 36, handsome, dashing,
00:07:22and I presume they'd have to be taller than you.
00:07:23So I just thought it was safer to...
00:07:23Always do the audition.
00:07:25But look at you.
00:07:25That's insane.
00:07:26I might as well send Barry.
00:07:28Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
00:07:30Who?
00:07:30Me?
00:07:30No, I don't want to waste their time.
00:07:32It was just because...
00:07:32Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition?
00:07:35It should be the other way round.
00:07:36But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing.
00:07:38Oh, no one could think you don't know what you're doing.
00:07:39You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
00:07:42Well, thanks, mate.
00:07:42But you'd be surprised.
00:07:44Get me the audition.
00:07:49Okay, that's a ten-minute break, everyone.
00:07:52Sandwiches are over here.
00:07:55Actually, could you just let the actors and the crew have those first, please?
00:08:15Can you hold on?
00:08:52Are you Maggie?
00:08:53Yes.
00:08:54Andy wants to see you in his dressing room.
00:08:56What, no?
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:57Chop-chop.
00:09:09Ooh!
00:09:10Hello, Mrs. Vildman.
00:09:12It's Andy in.
00:09:13It's a face pack.
00:09:14Don't mind me there.
00:09:14What's this for?
00:09:15For a film role.
00:09:16For a film?
00:09:16You come for a film?
00:09:17Yeah, right, okay.
00:09:18Help me out.
00:09:19Don't comment.
00:09:21Is that a girdle?
00:09:22No.
00:09:23It just helps firm up the...
00:09:25Flab.
00:09:26Right, come on, then.
00:09:27Quick.
00:09:27Are you serious?
00:09:28Yeah.
00:09:28Thank God.
00:09:29Come on.
00:09:30Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:09:31Of course it is.
00:09:32It's not going to work.
00:09:32I'll breathe in.
00:09:33It's about six inches.
00:09:34Right, go on, then, go.
00:09:36Don't let you laugh.
00:09:37Don't let you laugh.
00:09:39Go on, then.
00:09:40Oh.
00:09:41Oh, go on, go.
00:09:42I've got written on.
00:09:42Oh, my God.
00:09:43Where do your organs go?
00:09:44Fingers are sparring.
00:09:45Do they just get closer together, or am I going to cough up a kidney in the audition?
00:09:49No.
00:09:49That's all right.
00:09:50Um, sort of natural.
00:09:52He was, but I don't think he was good as...
00:09:53I think he was...
00:09:59Andrew Millman.
00:10:00Great.
00:10:00You're looking good.
00:10:02Been working out, innit?
00:10:03Uh, sorry.
00:10:04Must declare an interest, actually.
00:10:05Uh, me and Andy are very old friends.
00:10:07We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together.
00:10:11Some of us got a little further than others.
00:10:14Um, oh.
00:10:15Anyway, I won't be biased.
00:10:17So, which role are you here for?
00:10:19Henry Milligan.
00:10:19Hang on.
00:10:20Can't be Henry Milligan.
00:10:21Says here, age 36.
00:10:24Yeah.
00:10:24I took that as meaning mid to late 30s.
00:10:27We'll change it to late 30s.
00:10:31Hang on.
00:10:31Can't be Henry Milligan.
00:10:32It says here, late 30s.
00:10:36Shall we do one?
00:10:37Yeah.
00:10:38Do you want to have a sound up?
00:10:40Yep.
00:10:40Easy.
00:10:41Yeah, you're all right.
00:10:42Thanks.
00:10:44Yeah.
00:10:45Ah, Henry Milligan.
00:10:46Allow me to introduce myself.
00:10:48Your reputation precedes you, sir.
00:10:49And it is one that...
00:10:52Sorry, sorry.
00:10:53Can we just stop proceedings there?
00:10:54Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff.
00:10:56Can we just rewind that and see what happened?
00:10:58I don't know if everyone else saw that.
00:11:00Your reputation precedes you, sir.
00:11:02And it is one.
00:11:03There.
00:11:04Look at his belly.
00:11:06Andy, has your diaphragm just collapsed?
00:11:09Oh, dear.
00:11:09Seems to have scuttled off.
00:11:13Hello, it's me.
00:11:14Leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you.
00:11:17Did that record?
00:11:19Hi, it's me.
00:11:20Do you fancy some lunch at the Ivy?
00:11:22I'll pay.
00:11:22I can tell you all about my brilliant audition.
00:11:25Um, all right.
00:11:26Give us a call back.
00:11:27Cheers.
00:11:28Bye.
00:11:29Andy Millman.
00:11:30All right, buddy.
00:11:32What are you doing?
00:11:33Waiting.
00:11:34Waiting?
00:11:35For what?
00:11:36Oh, cock.
00:11:38Yeah.
00:11:38Never too early for that, is it?
00:11:39Don't you know about this area?
00:11:41No, I've just moved in across the road.
00:11:42This area's famous for it.
00:11:44I'm here all the time.
00:11:45This is known as the waiting mens.
00:11:47Do-do-do-do.
00:11:49Oh, by the way, loving the show.
00:11:51Cheers.
00:11:51You having a laugh?
00:11:56Keep walking.
00:11:58Keep walking.
00:12:00She'll never get anything in the daylight.
00:12:02Hello, Bonnie.
00:12:03Oh, hi, George.
00:12:08Any action?
00:12:11I've only got 20 minutes, actually.
00:12:12I'm on my lunch break.
00:12:14Lunch break?
00:12:15Yeah, I'm doing community service.
00:12:17Are you still doing that?
00:12:18Oh, not that one, no.
00:12:19I'm doing another one now.
00:12:20I'm picking up litter now.
00:12:21All right.
00:12:22What did you do wrong this time?
00:12:24Fly tipping, believe it or not.
00:12:26Right.
00:12:26Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge freezer.
00:12:29And she said, shall I call the council?
00:12:31I said, no, don't bother with that.
00:12:32There's a skip at the end of my street.
00:12:34So 2.30 in the morning, we're tipping it in there and the fucking police show up.
00:12:39What?
00:12:39How did they get involved, then?
00:12:41Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip and he called Sting.
00:12:44And Sting called the fucking council because he's a fucking do-gooder.
00:12:48Now me and Annie are picking up litter.
00:12:52Well, I'd better get going because, you know, I'm going to have to get back to work soon.
00:12:55Come on, then, you.
00:12:56I'll give you a quickie.
00:12:57Oi.
00:12:57I'm not that desperate, matey.
00:12:59Cheeky bastard.
00:13:00Actually, will you do me a favour and look out for paparazzi?
00:13:02I'm going to go and try over there.
00:13:04Love to.
00:13:04Yeah?
00:13:05Cheers.
00:13:05Cheers.
00:13:07I've had him before, you know, in his car.
00:13:11Wasn't that a bit cramped?
00:13:12Hmm.
00:13:13Andy was swerving all over the bloody road.
00:13:15Look, keep an eye out for me as well, will you?
00:13:17Oh, that old queen kind of got too far.
00:13:19Hello?
00:13:22Andy Millman.
00:13:23Well, I don't know what this bench is for.
00:13:24Aye?
00:13:24What did you say?
00:13:25Why are you sitting here?
00:13:26Because we live across the road and just fancy to sit down.
00:13:30Well, you've got a garden, don't you?
00:13:30Why not sit in your garden?
00:13:32No bench.
00:13:33If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass.
00:13:36Yeah, but why are you sitting on a queer bench?
00:13:39Have you seen George Michael?
00:13:41Strange questions.
00:13:42Oh, my editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent,
00:13:45and at the moment all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench.
00:13:48Well, I'm not involved.
00:13:49Well, look, I know you're lying, so I know he's been here.
00:13:51How do you know?
00:13:52A joint.
00:13:54And a kebab.
00:13:56Apart from that, I've had a leaked memo from his office.
00:13:599am community service.
00:14:00Lunch cruising Amstead Eve.
00:14:025pm going Richard and Judy to defend his actions about something.
00:14:057pm, we call Catherine, take Christmas off.
00:14:07He's doing that?
00:14:08Yep.
00:14:08He's in the bushes.
00:14:09Thank you very much.
00:14:10My pleasure.
00:14:28Thank you very much.
00:14:30Cheers.
00:14:30Cheers.
00:14:31Cheers.
00:14:31Thank you very much.
00:14:31Cheers.
00:14:32Thanks very much.
00:14:38Hi.
00:14:38We haven't booked.
00:14:39I wonder if you've got a table for two?
00:14:41Oh, you have to book, I'm afraid.
00:14:42Look, can't you just squeeze us in?
00:14:44We won't have a starter.
00:14:46I'm sorry.
00:14:46There's nothing.
00:14:47Or a pudding.
00:14:48We'll be 20 minutes in and out.
00:14:49I'm sorry.
00:14:51You don't...
00:14:52We are.
00:14:53The management.
00:14:54Oh.
00:14:55No, I'm the manager.
00:14:57No, no.
00:14:57On TV we used to do these characters called the management.
00:15:00The stonk.
00:15:01Oh, the stonk.
00:15:02Is that a restaurant?
00:15:03No, it's a song we did.
00:15:06Look, I'm really sorry.
00:15:07There's nothing available.
00:15:08But you can book up to three months in advance.
00:15:10Yes, but we don't know where we're going to be in three months.
00:15:12I might not be alive in three months.
00:15:14What would you rather do?
00:15:15Like, be on the planet of the A's?
00:15:16Like, you're a human, but you can't speak.
00:15:19Or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human.
00:15:21But you're a monkey.
00:15:23Do I know I'm a monkey?
00:15:24Yeah, you know you're a monkey.
00:15:25Mr. Millman, hello.
00:15:25Hello, sorry.
00:15:26We haven't booked, I'm afraid.
00:15:27Oh, that's no problem.
00:15:28I'm sure I can squeeze you.
00:15:28Oh, thank you.
00:15:29Cheers.
00:15:30Yeah.
00:15:31Look, it's them two.
00:15:32What's their name again?
00:15:33Hale and Pace.
00:15:34Hale and Pace.
00:15:35Like Ant and Dec.
00:15:36Without their money.
00:15:40Hale and Pace, we should have invested more wisely.
00:15:42Gareth, can we not do this in public arts?
00:15:44It was your idea of a racehorse.
00:15:45It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it?
00:15:47You couldn't help us get in, could you?
00:15:49I, um, I, uh, I don't think there's some...
00:15:53Nice to meet you.
00:15:55Cheers.
00:15:59Oh, look, look.
00:15:59There's, what's her name?
00:16:01Jade Jagger.
00:16:02That's it.
00:16:03What does she do?
00:16:05Fashion, something.
00:16:07Jade Jagger.
00:16:09How do you think she got her big break?
00:16:12I wonder.
00:16:14What does C.D. Frost do?
00:16:16She's friends with people.
00:16:18I don't know that was a job.
00:16:19It is, yeah.
00:16:20Not the sausages.
00:16:21Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:16:22Right, OK.
00:16:23Don't look.
00:16:24I don't look yet.
00:16:24Right?
00:16:25All right over there.
00:16:26An amazing face.
00:16:27OK?
00:16:27Red top.
00:16:28OK.
00:16:28I want you to turn and look at her, and I'll say her name.
00:16:31OK.
00:16:31OK?
00:16:31Three, two, one.
00:16:33Alma Fudd.
00:16:37That is the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over.
00:16:39Hi.
00:16:39Sorry to bother you.
00:16:40Hi.
00:16:40My name's Trey Cooper.
00:16:42I represent Greg Lindley-Jones.
00:16:43All right.
00:16:44You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you?
00:16:45Oh, yeah.
00:16:46I wasn't right for that.
00:16:47You know, I don't think you were right for that role, but there are a lot of film people
00:16:50out there mentioning your name, and a lot of roles I think you would be right for.
00:16:52Really?
00:16:53Yeah, I've also heard you're not entirely happy with your show.
00:16:55It's not how I wanted it to be.
00:16:57Really?
00:16:57No.
00:16:57You see, I think you should be on top of the world.
00:16:59What does it get each week?
00:17:00Seven million viewers?
00:17:01Six.
00:17:02Six.
00:17:02Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do.
00:17:07And the reviews?
00:17:07Don't listen to the reviews.
00:17:09No one's down at the pub talking about reviews, talking about your sitcom.
00:17:12And you know what?
00:17:13There's always going to be people who don't like what you do.
00:17:15Oh, yeah.
00:17:15So what?
00:17:16Someone shouts, you're a wanker.
00:17:18You go, yeah?
00:17:18Look at my sports car.
00:17:20And if they shout, yeah, well, you're still a tosser.
00:17:21Oh.
00:17:22Really?
00:17:23Interesting.
00:17:23How many catchphrases do you come up with?
00:17:25None.
00:17:25And if they're still shouting at you, just drive away.
00:17:28I work.
00:17:29Drive to the bank.
00:17:30Laughing.
00:17:30Who's your agent?
00:17:32Darren Lamb.
00:17:33Not being funny, but I've never heard of him.
00:17:35I've been in the business 15 years.
00:17:36Where'd he come from?
00:17:38Bristol.
00:17:39No, no, I mean, which company you start with?
00:17:40I don't think he's ever worked for a company.
00:17:41He has.
00:17:42He worked part-time at the Carrefour and Warehouse.
00:17:44Well, look, I don't know the guy.
00:17:45Why would you?
00:17:46You're in the business.
00:17:47I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business.
00:17:50And if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it.
00:17:54They seem harsh, but life's cruel.
00:17:57And no-one's going to help your career but you.
00:18:00I'm an extra.
00:18:01And I love Clive Vaughan.
00:18:02Can I get a part in that bedroom film?
00:18:04Well, it's all right.
00:18:05She's hustling.
00:18:06Well done.
00:18:07Yeah.
00:18:08Consider it done.
00:18:09My card.
00:18:10And seriously, if I can be of any help, call me and we'll sit down.
00:18:13Sorry for interrupting you.
00:18:14You'll be on.
00:18:14Sorry.
00:18:15Oh, catch the date.
00:18:16Dover's soul.
00:18:16It is superb.
00:18:17Have a great lunch.
00:18:18Cheers.
00:18:19Yay.
00:18:21Oh, Alma's looking at her.
00:18:24Hello.
00:18:25Hello.
00:18:25Hiya.
00:18:27I recommend the rabbit.
00:18:29She didn't know, did she?
00:18:32How the hell did you do that?
00:18:33I don't know.
00:18:34They get stuck, don't they?
00:18:35That is...
00:18:36That's stuck fast.
00:18:37If I...
00:18:38That's going to break.
00:18:39Well, don't break it.
00:18:40I'll put it up over your head, yeah?
00:18:41All right.
00:18:41You ready?
00:18:43You just pull back, all right?
00:18:44Okay, go.
00:18:46Just pull, Darren.
00:18:47What about my head, Brignyac?
00:18:49How is that going to...
00:18:50Just pull back.
00:18:50I can't help you if you don't pull back.
00:18:52I am pulling back.
00:18:53What exactly is your plan?
00:18:55What are you actually intending to do now?
00:18:58Just you pull back.
00:18:59Did you learn nothing in the Fame Academy, all right?
00:19:02Power is not everything.
00:19:03Sometimes you just need to be subtle, don't you?
00:19:04Can't sing everything like his bloody Mustang Sally.
00:19:12Okay, play.
00:19:13All right, go.
00:19:14You, over here, please.
00:19:16Quickly.
00:19:17Quick shot.
00:19:17Yep, yep.
00:19:19Okay, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute, all right?
00:19:22Now, as he leaves in the morning, I thought you could just turn and then throw the money
00:19:25on the floor with contempt and then say your line, thank you for your hospitality.
00:19:29Yeah, I'm not very happy with this.
00:19:30Well, I know it's a little bit aggressive, but it's just a character point.
00:19:33No, I mean, this one being the prostitute, I wouldn't pay for that.
00:19:39Right.
00:19:39There's got to be a better one than this.
00:19:41Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs, and this is the very best
00:19:45one.
00:19:46Really?
00:19:46Yeah.
00:19:47Jesus.
00:19:49I mean, I don't want to be difficult.
00:19:51It's just I would never pay for a prostitute who looked like that.
00:19:54No way.
00:19:54Right.
00:19:54What if she wasn't a prostitute?
00:19:56What if she was just a slut, so it was free?
00:19:58Yeah, I still could do better, though.
00:20:00Hmm.
00:20:00Okay, what if she is a prostitute, but you just refuse to pay?
00:20:04Okay, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just, I don't know, you throw food, and
00:20:07then you make her eat it like a dog.
00:20:09Well, I'm telling you, if I just slept with that, I wouldn't throw the food on the floor,
00:20:11I'd throw it in her face.
00:20:12Okay, what food would you throw?
00:20:14Because I've got to get props onto that.
00:20:15Well, I think it should be like some kind of gruel, as if I found some oats on the
00:20:18stable floor.
00:20:19You mix it with some shit and, like, wet cabbage.
00:20:22I mean, what would be great is that when it claps into her face, it just sort of looks
00:20:26like a rancid cowpaw.
00:20:27Okay.
00:20:28No, I like that.
00:20:29I like that.
00:20:29Okay, can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together?
00:20:33Make sure it sticks to the face.
00:20:34It will.
00:20:34All right.
00:20:34Okay, let's try that, then, please.
00:20:35Yeah.
00:20:36Okay, for a hatsel, then.
00:20:37Excuse me.
00:20:38Hmm.
00:20:39I'm not happy with that.
00:20:42Sorry?
00:20:43I'm not happy with that.
00:20:45I don't want the dung on my face.
00:20:46You get extra money.
00:20:48Don't be worried about that.
00:20:48Don't care.
00:20:49Don't bother.
00:20:50I just don't want to do it.
00:20:51Full stop.
00:20:51Right, okay.
00:20:52You either do it, or you go home.
00:21:00Okay.
00:21:00Okay.
00:21:01Right.
00:21:01See you, then.
00:21:04Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance.
00:21:06Get to get another one.
00:21:07Okay, you, over here, please.
00:21:08Yeah.
00:21:09Oh, fuck off.
00:21:11I'm 5-0-ing.
00:21:12That's mental.
00:21:22All right, Paul.
00:21:24What about Jed Paulson?
00:21:26Get a store of joy.
00:21:28If you want an infection, can you get an infection, please?
00:21:31Well, I don't watch public with your contracts.
00:21:33I do.
00:21:34Look, frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial.
00:21:36Seriously, the money you're getting for the show, it's an insult.
00:21:39So I'm going to get tough with them, and we'll get this sorted for the next series.
00:21:41I don't think I'm going to do another series.
00:21:43I've been thinking of knocking this on the head for a long time.
00:21:45And this is the right management behind you.
00:21:47There's a lot of money to be made.
00:21:47I don't care.
00:21:48I'm not proud.
00:21:49I want to do bigger and better stuff.
00:21:50I'm not proud of having Britain's number one catchphrase.
00:21:53Is there an Oscar for that?
00:21:53No.
00:21:54No, no, but they are thinking of introducing a British comedy award for it.
00:21:57Of course they are.
00:21:58Mm.
00:21:59Look, I want to hold my head up.
00:22:01To me, saying you've got Britain's number one catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's
00:22:04number one wasting disease.
00:22:06It's not a good thing to...
00:22:07Wait, you're not Britain's number one catchphrase anymore.
00:22:09I'm not.
00:22:10You're not number one anymore.
00:22:13Good.
00:22:14To be totally foos.
00:22:16Who's number one?
00:22:17No.
00:22:17Oh, er, it's...
00:22:18Am I bothered?
00:22:19Well, I'm at number two or something.
00:22:20Just dropping...
00:22:21No, no, no. Number two is you are the weakest link.
00:22:22Goodbye.
00:22:23Then number three is you're having a laugh.
00:22:24In at number three, it changes depending what survey you're doing.
00:22:27Yeah.
00:22:27What survey is that?
00:22:29It's a survey of eight to eleven-year-olds.
00:22:31Well, if they want catchphrases, I'll give them catchphrases.
00:22:34I don't get it.
00:22:36Is he having a laugh?
00:22:38I need a man.
00:22:40Join the queue.
00:22:42Oh, bugger me.
00:22:45He's out and about.
00:22:51Christmas time.
00:22:52Mr. Tell them why.
00:22:55Children singing, Christy.
00:22:56With logs on the fire.
00:22:59Gifts beneath the tree.
00:23:00Any messages, Nick?
00:23:01Er, yeah, a couple.
00:23:02BT called.
00:23:03What, British Telecom?
00:23:04Oh, yeah.
00:23:04What were they after?
00:23:05They wanted to know if you were happy with the service.
00:23:06Very happy, to be honest.
00:23:07Very pleased.
00:23:07That's what I told them, because I thought you were happy,
00:23:08but they wanted to talk to you specifically.
00:23:10Well, they would do, because my name's on the bill.
00:23:11Yes, it is.
00:23:12And apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls.
00:23:14Could I really?
00:23:14That's very generous.
00:23:15I'm very nice.
00:23:15Did they want me to call back?
00:23:16No, they said they'd call back.
00:23:17I don't mind calling them.
00:23:18Well, I said you'd be back at 2.
00:23:19It's 10 to now, so I'll just wait for the call.
00:23:21Well, I'll wait till just after 2, and then if they haven't called, give them a bell.
00:23:23Fine.
00:23:23It's an R800 number, so...
00:23:24Free?
00:23:25It's free.
00:23:25Free.
00:23:26Anything else?
00:23:26Any other...
00:23:27Yes.
00:23:28Andy's new agent called.
00:23:29Andy's fired you and gone with the new bloke, so you're no longer to have any dealings
00:23:31with him whatsoever.
00:23:34Sorry, mate.
00:23:34I was thinking about the free evening and weekend calls.
00:23:36What were you saying?
00:23:36Andy Millman.
00:23:37He's fired you.
00:23:38What do you mean?
00:23:39He's fired me?
00:23:39Well, you're no longer Andy Millman's agent, so...
00:23:41Well, why are you telling me this now?
00:23:42Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?
00:23:44Because I'm doing it in chronological order.
00:23:45But I was all excited about the BT stuff.
00:23:47Now I'm depressed.
00:23:48Well, I didn't know.
00:23:48Look, if I'd have said number one, Andy's fired you, and number two, BT have offered you
00:23:51a generous new tariff, the good news would have been salved by the bad news anyway.
00:23:54I didn't know what to do for the best.
00:23:57He's fired me.
00:24:05Let me ask you this.
00:24:06Where do you want to be in five years' time?
00:24:08Sat in Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar.
00:24:12That's good.
00:24:13Stinking pig.
00:24:14Nothing wrong with that.
00:24:15But first things first, what I think we need to concentrate on is...
00:24:17Excuse me.
00:24:19Yeah?
00:24:19Richard Curtis for you.
00:24:20Oh, God.
00:24:21Does he want to talk about Africa again?
00:24:22I think so.
00:24:24Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar of Dibley.
00:24:26They'll be eating like dawn in no time.
00:24:28Harsh.
00:24:29Life's cruel.
00:24:30Listen, tell him you can't get a hold of me.
00:24:31Tell him I'm snowboarding.
00:24:32Okay.
00:24:33Sorry about that.
00:24:33Sorry.
00:24:34Profile.
00:24:34Need to boost your profile.
00:24:35Yeah.
00:24:36Success in this business, all about getting your face seen.
00:24:38Yeah.
00:24:38Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...
00:24:40You're top of the C-list, but I'm going to get you on top of the A-list.
00:24:43Now, I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight.
00:24:45You need to win an Emmy or direct something.
00:24:46But we can get you to top of the B-list pretty quickly, just by making sure you're seen
00:24:49out and about.
00:24:49Movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that.
00:24:53You're single, aren't you?
00:24:54Yeah.
00:24:54Good.
00:24:55So, firstly, what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with
00:24:58some newsworthy trollops.
00:24:59You, um...
00:25:00Have you shagged any of those tabloid beauties?
00:25:06No.
00:25:07Not even her?
00:25:08No.
00:25:08She's had everyone.
00:25:09Not me.
00:25:10What have you been doing?
00:25:11It's all right.
00:25:11Listen, I know she's got a cancellation next Friday, so we'll set something up for that.
00:25:14No, no, no, I'm not into that.
00:25:15I don't want to do it that way.
00:25:16Do you want to get on the B-list or not?
00:25:17Yeah, but not the Hepatitis B-list.
00:25:20Right.
00:25:21Okay, no, that's not a problem.
00:25:22I've got some contacts with the broadsheets.
00:25:23Right.
00:25:24Paula?
00:25:25Hello?
00:25:25Can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please?
00:25:26Yep.
00:25:30Oh!
00:25:39Oh!
00:25:40Oh!
00:25:41Oh!
00:25:55So, what did you do?
00:25:56I was a film extra.
00:25:58Oh, glamorous.
00:25:59It's not really.
00:25:59I'm not doing it anymore.
00:26:01It's too depressing.
00:26:02I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do scrabbling about
00:26:05in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
00:26:07What do you do now?
00:26:08I'm a cleaner.
00:26:11I scrabble about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.
00:26:15Okay, so, here's the place.
00:26:19Here we go.
00:26:40Carpets.
00:26:46Spider?
00:26:46Yep.
00:26:47That won't be bothering you anymore.
00:26:49No.
00:26:51You're just going to leave it there?
00:26:52If you want.
00:26:53No, I don't.
00:26:54Not particularly.
00:26:55Fine.
00:26:55Well, that'll all be professionally cleaned, scraped off.
00:26:59Where's the bedroom?
00:27:01I know.
00:27:01It's all in here.
00:27:03What, this is it?
00:27:05Tiny little kitchen over here.
00:27:07And there's the laboratory.
00:27:09It's everything you need.
00:27:10You'd never have to leave this place.
00:27:12If the worst comes to the worst, if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something,
00:27:15heaven forbid, then it's all here should that happen.
00:27:19Well, where do I sleep?
00:27:28Look at that.
00:27:30That's good, isn't it?
00:27:31That's like James Bond or something.
00:27:33From Russia with Love.
00:27:34No, um, didn't let die.
00:27:37So, well, I can't put anything underneath that, can I?
00:27:39Yeah, of course you can.
00:27:40Coffee table or what?
00:27:40Not just move it before you go to bed.
00:27:41What, every single night?
00:27:42A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever.
00:27:44He doesn't complain.
00:27:46No.
00:27:48I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee.
00:27:50Well, this is the only place in your price range, really, so...
00:27:53I know, I know, I know, I know.
00:27:55What's the area like, then?
00:27:57Okay, I'm going to be honest with you.
00:27:59There is quite a large black and Asian community.
00:28:02There's some Chinese, and it does get very Arab-y towards the high street,
00:28:05but there's nothing we can do about that.
00:28:06No, I meant what is it like in terms of the amenities?
00:28:08Like, is there a supermarket?
00:28:09Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, supermarkets, yes.
00:28:11Now, there's loads of lovely different shops around here.
00:28:14It's a very cosmopolitan area for food.
00:28:16I mean, do you like Chinese food, Asian food, good for halal meats?
00:28:20Do you like jerk chicken, just like Mama used to make?
00:28:23There's one of those.
00:28:25In fact, you can probably see it from the window.
00:28:29Yep, there it is.
00:28:41Where you been, we said three o'clock.
00:28:43Sorry, I've been looking at the flats.
00:28:44I'm going to have to downsize.
00:28:45Tell me how you're right.
00:28:46I'm just about to do an interview and a photo session.
00:28:48Weekend Guardian, really good publicity.
00:28:49Sort of the man behind the Sydney Wigan and all that.
00:28:51When she gets here, you open the door for me.
00:28:53Oh, no, why me?
00:28:54Say you're my PA.
00:28:55Oh, no.
00:28:56Yeah, give an illusion of success and everything.
00:28:57Right, and then we're in there, come through and go,
00:28:59Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone.
00:29:02Who?
00:29:02Ridley Scott.
00:29:03Who's that then?
00:29:04Oscar winner director, gladiator, blade runner.
00:29:06When's he going to call?
00:29:07He's not really going to call.
00:29:09No.
00:29:09You say he's on the phone, and then she'll think I'm a player.
00:29:13That's her.
00:29:14Right, okay.
00:29:15Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial.
00:29:17I'll do so, I'll just...
00:29:20Ah.
00:29:23Hello.
00:29:24Hi.
00:29:25I'd like to come in this way.
00:29:27Andy.
00:29:28Hi.
00:29:36Thank you, Mr Millman.
00:29:39Thanks for doing this.
00:29:40My absolute pleasure.
00:29:41Welcome to my humble abode.
00:29:43You don't talk like I thought you would.
00:29:44Well, you've probably seen me in character,
00:29:45but there's so much more to Andy Millman than Sydney.
00:29:47No, I've seen you on chat shows.
00:29:48You didn't speak like that.
00:29:49No, but there's Andy Millman, the writer, Andy Millman, the actor,
00:29:51Andy Millman, the charity worker.
00:29:52Sorry, what was that?
00:29:53Just slash this, slash that.
00:29:54That's how I thought you told.
00:29:56How do you want me to talk?
00:29:58Just normal, like you're at home.
00:29:59I'm at home.
00:30:00Just speak like that, then.
00:30:01We turn it down?
00:30:02Okay, come on.
00:30:04So, you mentioned your charity work.
00:30:06What charity is you involved with?
00:30:08Africa.
00:30:09Main one that people care about, innit?
00:30:11You're not going to release an awful comedy single,
00:30:13are you, for charity?
00:30:14Just so you can get in the chance and boost your profile?
00:30:16Not just so I can boost your profile, no.
00:30:17So, you are releasing a comedy single?
00:30:19Well, it's not.
00:30:19It's me as Ray, doing a cover of, you know, 9 to 5.
00:30:22And it's a fun video, because we've got loads of, sort of, celebs in it.
00:30:26We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, Jade Goodies' mum.
00:30:30God, a bunch of saddos.
00:30:32Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they?
00:30:34We like to use lookalikes for some of them.
00:30:35They'll be sorry, though.
00:30:37When it gets number one, it will get to number one,
00:30:38so let's not slag it off before it saves some Ethiopians.
00:30:45Are you in a hurry?
00:30:46Oh, no, no, sorry.
00:30:46I've got another interview to get to.
00:30:48I'm a little nervous, actually.
00:30:49What, are you meeting me?
00:30:51No, God, no.
00:30:52Have you seen the Byron film?
00:30:53Yeah.
00:30:53I'm interviewing Greg Lindley-Jones.
00:30:55Why are you nervous about meeting him?
00:30:56I know, he's got such a sort of brooding intensity.
00:30:59He's like a young Russell Crowe.
00:31:00Ah, he's more like a young Russell Grant.
00:31:03Well, I'm not slagging him off, but let's not.
00:31:05Mr Millman, the phone call's just come in.
00:31:07Oh, who is it?
00:31:08Is it Wigley Scott?
00:31:10Ridley Scott, yeah.
00:31:11The award-winning director of Gladiator and Bladeway.
00:31:14What does he want?
00:31:15Cheers.
00:31:16Sorry, Alice.
00:31:17Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now.
00:31:18I'm out with a journo.
00:31:19Say hello from me.
00:31:21What?
00:31:21We know each other from Cannes.
00:31:23Say hello from me.
00:31:23Emily Whitford.
00:31:26Emily Whitford.
00:31:27What's he saying?
00:31:28No.
00:31:29Ask him how his ankle is.
00:31:30He'll laugh.
00:31:30Will he?
00:31:33How's your ankle?
00:31:35Is he laughing?
00:31:36Sort of.
00:31:37Let me speak to him.
00:31:38What?
00:31:39I speak to him.
00:31:40Let me speak to him.
00:31:41Hold on.
00:31:41All right.
00:31:46Okay.
00:31:46Oh, what's he done?
00:31:47I'm up.
00:31:48Why has he done that?
00:31:49Sorry about that.
00:31:50Cheers.
00:31:53Can I ask you a few questions?
00:31:55What about not very good at general knowledge?
00:31:58No.
00:31:58No, about working for Andy.
00:31:59Probably not a good idea.
00:32:01Also, anything to Harry.
00:32:02Cheers for that.
00:32:03So, how long have you worked for Andy?
00:32:06Three hours.
00:32:07No.
00:32:07Three hours?
00:32:08Think.
00:32:08No.
00:32:09What's she doing?
00:32:11Let's be honest.
00:32:12Come on.
00:32:13Three years.
00:32:15No.
00:32:16Three years.
00:32:17Three.
00:32:17That makes more sense.
00:32:18Certainly.
00:32:20And what's he like as a boss?
00:32:22A wanker.
00:32:23No.
00:32:23It's a wanker.
00:32:24No, she didn't mean that.
00:32:25Listen, listen, listen to her.
00:32:29He plays darts all the time.
00:32:31I love darts.
00:32:31I don't know why.
00:32:32I just, I don't, I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow.
00:32:35Is she actually your PA?
00:32:37Is she?
00:32:37Is she actually your PA?
00:32:39Who?
00:32:40That lady there, is she actually your PA?
00:32:42Sorry, I don't know what you mean by actually.
00:32:45Well, do you employ her?
00:32:46Employment's a strong term.
00:32:47Strong in what sense?
00:32:47In the sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they're being interviewed.
00:32:51Well, it's just a clarification, really, about the article.
00:32:53You've heard her say she's my PA, you've seen me go along with it, so based on that,
00:32:55what do you assess the situation to be?
00:32:56Well, I get the impression she's not your PA.
00:32:58Opposite impression that I'd want from this.
00:33:00Did Ridley Scott actually phone you earlier?
00:33:02Called him to her?
00:33:03Are you calling her a liar?
00:33:03So he'll remember phoning you, will he, if I speak to him later?
00:33:06What's his memory like?
00:33:07You know him better than me.
00:33:07You spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?
00:33:08Yeah, couldn't hear him.
00:33:10But you were relaying my messages to him.
00:33:12Yes, well done.
00:33:13And I'm saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word.
00:33:17Could you just answer the question, is she your PA?
00:33:25No, it's a joke.
00:33:28Of course, she's pretending, it's a wind-up.
00:33:31It's just something we always do to journalists.
00:33:33You always do it.
00:33:34What do you mean, we always?
00:33:36Do you need a PA in real life, Andy?
00:33:38No.
00:33:40Because I could do with the money.
00:33:46Shall I pack that?
00:33:48Yep, may as well.
00:33:49Bought that as a gift for Andy.
00:33:51Didn't want it.
00:33:52Wasn't interested.
00:33:53Should have known then something was broke.
00:33:55How about these?
00:33:57Nothing in them.
00:33:58Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
00:34:02Kids can be cruel, eh?
00:34:04Yeah, they can.
00:34:05What did they say?
00:34:06You know what they say.
00:34:07What, lanky four-eyed twat?
00:34:08Yeah.
00:34:09Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp?
00:34:10Sometimes.
00:34:12Frankenstein's albino gonk.
00:34:13I've never heard that one.
00:34:15It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you.
00:34:17Just easy pickings.
00:34:19Sheepshagger, they said sometimes as well.
00:34:20I thought sheepshagger was Welsh.
00:34:22No, it can be Bristol as well.
00:34:23I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
00:34:24Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery.
00:34:26Famous for loads of stuff down there.
00:34:27Oh, right.
00:34:30Barrow?
00:34:31Yeah.
00:34:32I could do with a hug, mate.
00:34:35Yeah.
00:34:40Quiz!
00:34:41Stick more, him.
00:35:04Oh, show me the Monet.
00:35:06So, when the whistle blows, BBC are begging for a Christmas special.
00:35:09No.
00:35:10What do you mean no?
00:35:10I don't want to do it anymore.
00:35:11You'd be mad to say no.
00:35:12I don't care.
00:35:13That's it.
00:35:13I want to do a Hollywood film or TV, but cool TV, American TV.
00:35:17We've got cool TV over here.
00:35:18Go on.
00:35:18I've had offers.
00:35:19All right.
00:35:19Do you want to be an alien in Doctor Who?
00:35:21No.
00:35:22They've offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon.
00:35:24What part of cool don't you understand?
00:35:27All right.
00:35:27Well, we've had a movie offer.
00:35:28Right.
00:35:29British film.
00:35:29No, no, no.
00:35:30Listen, it's a comedy starring Neil Morrissey as a Randy delivery man who looks exactly like
00:35:34the Prime Minister.
00:35:35Neil, we've played both parts.
00:35:37Get me a Hollywood film.
00:35:40Andy, listen, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is going to be sitting
00:35:43in his London hotel room one night flicking through the TV channels going,
00:35:45Oh, never seen this bloke before showing you having a laugh, but I think I've got a wig that
00:35:48will fit him.
00:35:49Why are you saying that to me?
00:35:50Because you have chosen a very specific path.
00:35:52And I want to get off it.
00:35:53If that's what it takes to get respect, then definitely I'm going to finish it.
00:35:56I don't want to come up with more wacky characters shouting catchphrases to enhance my reputation
00:36:00amongst kids and morons.
00:36:01I want to do something credible.
00:36:03I might want to direct one day, and I'm not going to get respect like this.
00:36:05So I'm finishing the sitcom.
00:36:07That's mad.
00:36:07That's killing a cash cow.
00:36:08I'm ending the sitcom.
00:36:10There you go.
00:36:11Done.
00:36:11All right.
00:36:11No, well, yeah, you could do that.
00:36:14Or you could think, people are still watching.
00:36:16Let's milk it.
00:36:17People are stupid enough to keep on watching it.
00:36:19Let's keep on giving it to them.
00:36:20They've seen it all before.
00:36:21They've seen everything.
00:36:22Every sketch was slightly rewritten.
00:36:25They've heard every catchphrase shouted a thousand times.
00:36:28Yes.
00:36:29But have they seen an episode set in Spain?
00:36:38That's great.
00:36:39Thanks.
00:36:39Thanks.
00:36:44Excuse me.
00:36:44Andy, sorry to bother you.
00:36:46I'm an extra, but I'm an actor, really.
00:36:48And I know you've been in my position.
00:36:50And I was wondering, if there's a line or a few lines you need to do, I really appreciate the
00:36:55opportunity.
00:36:55I'm not really involved with casting.
00:36:57What's your name?
00:36:57Phil.
00:36:58Well, I'll have a word with the floor manager.
00:36:59If everything comes up, I'll put a word in for you.
00:37:01Well, thanks a lot.
00:37:02Sorry to bother you.
00:37:03Sorry.
00:37:10Why are the extras coming up to me?
00:37:11Sorry?
00:37:12Why are the extras running around bothering me?
00:37:14Why aren't they in their paddock or wherever you keep them?
00:37:15I think they sort of look up to you because you were in their boat a while ago.
00:37:18Oh, right.
00:37:19So should I sit down with them and reminisce about old times?
00:37:21Or should I get on with my job that pays their wages and yours?
00:37:24Sorry.
00:37:25I didn't realise.
00:37:26Okay.
00:37:27I'll tell him not to do it again.
00:37:28No, he won't do it again because he won't be around again.
00:37:32Okay.
00:37:33Yeah?
00:37:33Yeah.
00:37:40Oh.
00:37:42What do you mean?
00:38:02Hey, my man.
00:38:03Hello there.
00:38:03Darren Lamb.
00:38:04I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of When the Wind Blows.
00:38:06Whistle.
00:38:06Whistle.
00:38:07If I could just...
00:38:08Did you have a pass?
00:38:10No, I'm a friend of his, though.
00:38:11I'll just go in.
00:38:11It's no problem.
00:38:12I can't let anyone in without a pass.
00:38:14No?
00:38:16I mean, we are friends, but we've had a bit of a falling out.
00:38:18I don't want to go into it.
00:38:19I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just...
00:38:21I can't help you.
00:38:22Sorry, sir.
00:38:23All right.
00:38:24Thanks a lot.
00:38:38What's happened?
00:38:39I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really?
00:38:41What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier, and that hadn't really panned out
00:38:44as I'd hoped.
00:38:45And so if you just let me free, I'll just go home and, you know, say nothing more about
00:38:48it.
00:38:48We'll both have a lovely Christmas.
00:38:49That sounds like a plan, doesn't it?
00:38:51What are you doing?
00:38:52Mate, I know this woman.
00:38:53They won't let me in.
00:38:54Have you not got a pass?
00:38:55No.
00:38:56I was just trying to get in to see Andy.
00:38:57Every time I try and phone him, he's always on voicemail.
00:39:00Could she just walk me in?
00:39:00Not without a pass.
00:39:01What about the pass with you, innit?
00:39:03Can I get him a pass?
00:39:04No, why not?
00:39:05I'll go and get a pass from Andy.
00:39:07Wait there.
00:39:07Cheers.
00:39:15Oh, there you are.
00:39:17Andy, I've just seen Darren out there, and he says he can't get in.
00:39:20What are you telling me?
00:39:21Well, he says he keeps trying to call you, but your phone's switched off.
00:39:23No, it's not.
00:39:24I just don't answer it when I see it's in.
00:39:26Can we not just get him a pass, and he can sit up at the back?
00:39:29I don't want him in here.
00:39:30No, but I told him I would get him in.
00:39:32Well, you lied.
00:39:34He says he really wants to see you.
00:39:36Life's full.
00:39:38So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?
00:39:41And maybe you can't keep coming up to me.
00:39:45I can't what?
00:39:45You can't keep coming up and talking to me in front of the other extras.
00:39:47They see you.
00:39:48They go, oh, she's an extra.
00:39:49She's his equal.
00:39:50Maybe we're his equal.
00:39:51I'm not an extra.
00:39:52No, you were.
00:39:54And so were you.
00:39:57I'm a little bit busy.
00:40:07All right?
00:40:08Yeah.
00:40:09Er, Andy can't get your pass.
00:40:11He said he's really sorry and that he would love to have you in there,
00:40:15but he just can't bend the rules.
00:40:19Fire regulations are something.
00:40:21Makes sense, yeah.
00:40:22I mean, I imagine the fire regulation's quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?
00:40:25Yeah.
00:40:27All right, well, thanks for trying.
00:40:28It's okay.
00:40:30Nice to see you again.
00:40:31You too.
00:40:32Bye.
00:40:50Oh, it's good to be back.
00:40:52But what a perfect holiday, and everything has worked out brilliantly.
00:40:55It certainly has.
00:40:57I'm getting married to the man of my dreams.
00:41:00I got that promotion I wanted.
00:41:02And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey, he's not been same.
00:41:06Indeed not.
00:41:07As Confucius once said, they must often change who would be constant in happiness and wisdom.
00:41:14I don't get it.
00:41:16Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet.
00:41:19Oh, I am.
00:41:20In fact, last night, I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man.
00:41:24He took me to a seafood restaurant, fed me my favourite meal.
00:41:30Fist you?
00:41:30No, he certainly did not.
00:41:33It was our first date.
00:41:35I didn't mean, did he fit...
00:41:37I mean, are you having a laugh?
00:41:39Is he having a laugh?
00:41:42Now he gets it.
00:41:44I get it.
00:41:45I'm getting it.
00:41:46We're all getting it.
00:41:53Merry Christmas, everyone!
00:41:55I am!
00:42:08Thank you very much.
00:42:12I love you, Andy!
00:42:14Are you having a laugh?
00:42:15I'm not, actually.
00:42:16Which is why this will be the last ever episode of When the Whistle Glows.
00:42:21Yeah, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again.
00:42:28Oh, um...
00:42:30Truth be told, it's gone on for far too long.
00:42:33I think three series should be enough for anyone.
00:42:35I don't get it!
00:42:36Obviously, not enough for some people.
00:42:38Andy, why are you stopping the show?
00:42:39Because it's not what I wanted to do, you know, with my life.
00:42:43Shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a living.
00:42:45No.
00:42:48Well, don't...
00:42:49Er, Merry Christmas.
00:42:57Thank you very much.
00:42:58What?
00:42:59Well, who the hell do you think you are?
00:43:00You just announced to the audience that you're quitting the show, apparently,
00:43:03without even consulting us, without even telling us.
00:43:05It has nothing to do with you, is it?
00:43:05What do you mean it has nothing to do with us?
00:43:06I don't want to stop it, that's it.
00:43:07No, it's the lack of professionalism, Andy.
00:43:09It's the arrogance.
00:43:10Whoa!
00:43:11When I first got into this, you were the grey I am, holding me to ransom,
00:43:13and the shoe was on the other foot, and now you don't like it, do you?
00:43:15No, I don't.
00:43:16Well, if I want to stop, I'll stop.
00:43:17I'm going to do other stuff, all right?
00:43:18I'm going to move on.
00:43:19Live with it.
00:43:19You stay here if you want, scrubbing around chasing writings,
00:43:21but I want to do something else.
00:43:22Well, that is a really interesting way of looking at things, isn't it?
00:43:25After everything that we've done for you, come on.
00:43:27Life's cruel.
00:43:27Yes, it can be.
00:43:28Good luck.
00:43:29And you've got lots of things lined up, have you?
00:43:32Don't worry about me.
00:43:33The phone won't stop ringing.
00:43:49Trey Cooper, please.
00:43:50Andy Millman.
00:43:53Yeah, good.
00:43:54Right, listen to this.
00:43:55What's hot?
00:43:56Greg Lindley-Jones, who charmed the nation this week on Desert Island Discs
00:43:59with a stream of hilarious anecdotes that record the great Pete Euston off at his best.
00:44:03What's not?
00:44:04Andy Millman.
00:44:04Are we having a laugh?
00:44:05For about five minutes we were, but Andy Millman's Christmas special hit an all-time low.
00:44:09The jokes were filthy than Mrs. Slocum's pussy, and with no new projects on the horizon,
00:44:13Millman is fast becoming as out of date as his gags.
00:44:15Aren't you meant to get me some decent work?
00:44:16I mean, I quit the show three weeks ago.
00:44:26Excuse me, is it OK if I go? It's nearly half past.
00:44:28OK, see you tomorrow.
00:44:29Thanks.
00:44:47Hi.
00:44:48What have you been? You all right?
00:44:50Sorry.
00:44:51And look at this.
00:44:53Worst table.
00:44:54Just happy to be sitting down.
00:44:56Oh, look, it's your friend, Vernon K.
00:44:59Vernon.
00:45:00Hey, Danny Millman.
00:45:01Andy.
00:45:02See you later.
00:45:03What?
00:45:04If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he going to read an autocue?
00:45:09Look at this.
00:45:10Guardian stitched me up.
00:45:12There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman.
00:45:14Our entire interview was more bizarre than an episode of When the Whistle Blows.
00:45:17Every answer he gave sounded like he was reading from a press release, full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional
00:45:22bare-faced lie.
00:45:23He seemed desperate for the headline to be, all's well in the Millman camp, next stop, Hollywood.
00:45:29Oh, this is going to be a fun lunch, then.
00:45:32Yeah?
00:45:33He just never seemed to have a laugh anymore.
00:45:35When you had nothing and we were both extras, we had more of a laugh.
00:45:38No, he didn't.
00:45:39I ate it.
00:45:40It was shit.
00:45:41Oh.
00:45:43OK.
00:45:44I was always moaning.
00:45:45You're always moaning now.
00:45:47You moan about the Ray dolls, but they did buy a house that overlooks Hampstead Heath.
00:45:51You moan about the sitcom that it gets six million viewers, but it's the wrong six million.
00:45:55But at least it gets six million viewers.
00:45:57At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted.
00:46:03I've accomplished nothing.
00:46:05I have brought nothing to the world.
00:46:07Look at that.
00:46:08Harold Pintner, his wife, having lunch with Gerry Halliwell.
00:46:11Why am I not over there?
00:46:15I don't know.
00:46:15Do you like Gerry Halliwell?
00:46:17No, not...
00:46:18No.
00:46:18Why am I not having lunch with Harold Pintner and his wife?
00:46:21Well, I'm sorry you're stuck at this table, man.
00:46:23Huh?
00:46:24I'm not sure you should actually even come here.
00:46:27This place, it just seems to annoy you.
00:46:28You're always saying, he's got an acting part that you wanted, or he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it.
00:46:34If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy.
00:46:37No matter how successful you are, you'll never be famous enough.
00:46:43Thank you, Dr Freud.
00:46:45Next conversation.
00:46:51What would you rather be?
00:46:52A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish, but it is a bird.
00:46:57Or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish.
00:47:01Oh, Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions anymore.
00:47:03Seriously, we're grown-ups.
00:47:07Let's...
00:47:07Ah, Andy Millman.
00:47:10You probably want to turn to page 17, a rather perceptive interview with yours truly.
00:47:14It's the one that says, next stop, Hollywood.
00:47:16I've seen a nice photo.
00:47:17Thank you, thank you.
00:47:18Yes, apparently I have a brooding intensity.
00:47:20So, anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you.
00:47:22Er, don't let them have a pudding.
00:47:24Let them bursting out all over the place.
00:47:37Oh, my grandma.
00:47:38Cheers.
00:47:40You want me to sign that?
00:47:41No, you're all right, mate.
00:47:42Cheers.
00:47:43There's no-one else in there.
00:47:44It's all right.
00:47:45We'll never get it filled with you.
00:47:47Look, it is round-up.
00:47:56Oh, all right.
00:47:57How's it going?
00:47:57Just getting lunch.
00:47:58What are you going for?
00:47:58Yeah, filet-o-fish.
00:47:59All right, yeah.
00:48:00Yeah, quite good.
00:48:00Tasty.
00:48:01Yeah.
00:48:01Good for you, isn't it?
00:48:02Fish.
00:48:02Yeah, yeah.
00:48:02I'd have to, uh...
00:48:03Is it two portions a week?
00:48:05Well, I saw that it's got fatty acids, which are very good for you, apparently.
00:48:07An amigo.
00:48:08It's the most.
00:48:08It's the two, aren't they?
00:48:09It's good.
00:48:10It's all right, sir.
00:48:11You all right, then?
00:48:12Good, yeah.
00:48:13Excellent.
00:48:14Bit of crack on.
00:48:15Wow.
00:48:15What are you doing?
00:48:16It's corner past two.
00:48:17All right, calm down, mate.
00:48:17You're not the boss of me.
00:48:18You're not...
00:48:18He's not the boss.
00:48:21You all right, Andy?
00:48:22You all right?
00:48:23You were to be back 15 minutes ago.
00:48:24Yeah, all right.
00:48:24Keep your hair transplant on.
00:48:25I'm coming in, aren't I?
00:48:26See you later.
00:48:27See you later.
00:48:30All right?
00:48:31Yeah, good.
00:48:32Now I have feelings, you know.
00:48:34No, sure.
00:48:34I needed someone to further McCree.
00:48:36Yeah, yeah.
00:48:36Yeah.
00:48:36We all know, you know, he wasn't the best agent in the world, you know.
00:48:39But he was loyal.
00:48:40Yeah.
00:48:41And he tries hard.
00:48:42Yeah.
00:48:43Be careful, mate.
00:48:44Fame is a mask that eats into the face.
00:48:48Barry, can you stop nattering, please?
00:48:50Dean's got a question for you.
00:48:51Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with a...
00:48:54Hello, mate.
00:48:55You having a laugh?
00:48:59Thought you were lying when you used to go on about him all the time.
00:49:01I didn't used to go on about him all the time.
00:49:02I didn't mention him really.
00:49:04See you later.
00:49:05See you later.
00:49:12Were you really his agent once?
00:49:14Yes.
00:49:15I need a new agent.
00:49:16Why?
00:49:18Because I'm working in Carphone Warehouse.
00:49:20All right, mate.
00:49:39I'll stand outside this woman's work.
00:49:49I know you have a little life in you yet.
00:49:52I know you have a lot of strength left.
00:49:56I know you have a little life in you yet.
00:50:00I know you have a lot of strength left.
00:50:03I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
00:50:07I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking.
00:50:11All the things we should have said that I never said.
00:50:14All the things we should have done that we never did.
00:50:18All the things I should have given that I didn't.
00:50:21All we've done and make it go.
00:50:27Make it go away.
00:50:37I quit the show five months ago.
00:50:39I'm sat here like a lemon.
00:50:41You're not getting me anything.
00:50:42No, I told you a thousand times.
00:50:44I'm not going to play an agent in Doctor Who.
00:50:46Don't do it, Shlong.
00:50:48You leave me no alternative, Doctor.
00:50:57What's happening to us?
00:50:58He's hyper-producing.
00:51:00He's using his ballastrian gland valves to internally vibrate our DNA.
00:51:05What does that mean?
00:51:06It makes us both turn into Shlongs in about 30 seconds.
00:51:09Unless I can reach that sodium chloride.
00:51:12What's sodium chloride?
00:51:14You probably know it as table salt.
00:51:17What's happening?
00:51:18What's happening?
00:51:25I am a bosom.
00:51:30You're so fine.
00:51:31Trey Cooper.
00:51:32Andy Millman.
00:51:35Okay.
00:51:36Do you know where he is?
00:51:37Andy Millman.
00:51:38Tell him to call me.
00:51:39Cheers.
00:51:40It's Andy Millman again.
00:51:43can you get him to call me please i've been calling him every day for two weeks he's never
00:51:48there where is he snowboarding no i told him i don't want to do hotel babylon no i tell you
00:51:56what i am going to see him today um because he's my agent and he takes 12 and a half
00:52:00percent of my
00:52:00wages okay right yeah and if he really is at lunch where is he please tell me where he is
00:52:06thank you i think you've made a very wise and informed decision if you don't mind me saying
00:52:11good little phone fun ringtone as well on there i've actually got the same one
00:52:24you can see that would be enjoyable with your friends so uh just put your card in there if
00:52:28you would enter pin and don't let him see your number libelous just let it uh phone its girlfriend
00:52:35that should be it extract all right do you know a motor road accessory pack so you could play
00:52:41sure sony there she blows hey thank you enjoy nice lady yeah
00:52:50all right let's go in do you need a phone or something no i need some work really any jobs
00:52:58going
00:52:59um not really no i mean aside from the intensive training needed um we are a bit overstaffed as
00:53:05well i think the only way there would be a vacancy is if one of these guys got an acting
00:53:08job or if
00:53:09one of us dies that is more likely statistically yes so no room at the uh at the inn
00:53:17are you all right
00:53:20ding tissues
00:53:24don't worry
00:53:27i'm sure something will turn up
00:53:29it's not about the job it's everything really
00:53:34i just wasted my life
00:53:35i haven't done anything i haven't seen anything i haven't been anywhere
00:53:43never even left the country i haven't even been abroad
00:53:48i just live on my own in one room with no money and i can't even get a job with
00:53:54a car phone where
00:53:55that's not true
00:53:57it's true it's true of this branch you know but there are other branches you know particularly
00:54:02ones in rougher areas they're always desperate for staff because um the ones they've got are always
00:54:05being assaulted or stabbed sometimes in the face
00:54:11oh sorry
00:54:12yeah hi where are you
00:54:14um no nowhere can you meet me the ivy asap i'm trying to track down my agent honestly he's worse
00:54:19than darren he was useless but at least i knew where he was why do you need me there because
00:54:23it's
00:54:23the ivy i don't know going by myself i got a complete loser can you meet me or not
00:54:28um okay good see you later mm-hmm i have to go thanks for your help
00:54:37i've had a piece of that have you yeah he's a bit of a player isn't he it was one
00:54:42date all right
00:54:42yeah but one day is enough though isn't it you know it nothing happened how do you know you told
00:54:46me you said you blocked the toilet up and she left yes and that was for your ears only and
00:54:50now
00:54:50you've told gaffney gaffney will tell dirty den den i'll tell little mo and before you know it
00:54:54it's all around albert square thank you very much
00:55:01that's my mum she's ill mum i let she's gone
00:55:25you all right i'm having a bit of a nightmare if the truth of it at all tell me about
00:55:28it i can't
00:55:29get hold of this agent i've had to do doctor who hotel babylon just to keep my profile up
00:55:32and i asked me to do robin hood i can't even get him on the phone sounds like you've had
00:55:36it
00:55:36tough nightmare apart from all the tv work you're doing all right though are you yeah yes sir
00:55:40hi um we haven't booked we're very busy today sir uh andy millman i uh yes um you should have
00:55:47booked ahead really it's usually all right sorry andy millman hey all right very all right uh byron
00:55:54number one uk box office number two in the united states of america one lucky and off around europe
00:55:59next week a bit of a jolly promote the old film so what about you oh great good yeah you
00:56:04got lots
00:56:05on mentor i was just saying i was yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i saw you as a slug in
00:56:08doctor who very
00:56:09convincing space second yeah what's our agent like that can't go on awol hiding from the tax
00:56:14man if he hasn't having lunch with him i wouldn't bother just go straight to the voicemail trey
00:56:20yeah oh you're here i'm just outside something wrong with this yeah i'll just come straight
00:56:24in all right see you later something wrong with this signal it's good is it on this sometimes it
00:56:29weird how things pan out he's more famous than you are now why would you say that why say that
00:56:34to
00:56:34me he's not more famous than me not amongst my demographics don't talk about things you don't
00:56:38understand that's bollocks gordon yep hiya you all right andy millman yeah you all right yeah yeah
00:56:47can't have a word can you just just leaving i know no if you're in the industry if you have
00:56:50a
00:56:50word there they let me through i can't yeah you can't or won't won't oh well at least nip to
00:56:56the
00:56:56kitchen might be a cheese sandwich can you you cook cook haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches
00:57:00fat boy there you pound puppy-faced git you catchphrase shouting wig-wearing wannabe you publicity
00:57:06hungry failed footballing fuck yeah it has been go home you think you're so hard don't you because
00:57:11you shout at people in kitchens who works in kitchens oh women and guys oh and the french
00:57:15oh you're well hard let's just leave it there shall we yeah i don't get into a fight i've heard
00:57:20your girdle can explode any minute oh you oh it's gonna come on let's just go no i'm gonna wait
00:57:27here
00:57:27and wait for him to come out and if i can't go through there for five minutes
00:57:29no i'm sorry well can i please have a drink at the bar do you want a drink not really
00:57:32no no you've
00:57:33got something better to do no look i'll i'm going where are you going home don't leave me here by
00:57:38myself come on where is my home what where do i live you've moved yeah where to what an exact
00:57:46address
00:57:46no just the area what am i your postman no you're my friend look i'll see oh come on oh
00:58:05i haven't had a dream in a long time see the life i've had can make a good man
00:58:15bad so for once in my life let me get what i want lord knows it would be the first
00:58:29time
00:58:48what are you doing what are you doing you want me to return to my calls yeah well funny enough
00:58:54there's not been much my agency's told the bbc to piss off oh it's other channels aren't they you're
00:58:57made to generate work for me you're my agent yeah well i can't magic things out of thin air
00:59:01they either want you or they don't life's cruel and to be honest with you i've been up to my
00:59:05eyeballs without the class guilty as charged yeah what what about me all right listen to me andy
00:59:11i can't help you because i don't know what it is that you want every time you come into my
00:59:15office
00:59:15something different one day it's all about not selling out being an artist next day you just want
00:59:18your face in the paper what do you want you want to be a world famous movie star or do
00:59:24you want to
00:59:24be the tortured genius creating great art look do you want fame and fortune or do you want integrity
00:59:30and respect both right well there are only a few people in the world who have both those things
00:59:36and you will never be one of them
00:59:42what do you want
00:59:49rich and famous and on the tally right okay then will you do the stuff you keep turning down yes
00:59:58comedy panel shows you know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed yes i know
01:00:03they work emmerdale oh good yeah this is great i'd much rather have a client that will do anything
01:00:10to get on television someone goes oh i don't want to do that or oh that's beneath me oh hold
01:00:14on
01:00:15there is one other thing might have to pull some strings pull them
01:00:25last night the celebrity housemates arrived in the big brother house
01:00:29house hi hello hi lisa scotley hi lisa scotley all right lee chico oh yeah all right mate how's it
01:00:37going
01:00:37how's it going
01:00:41i don't know
01:00:59Well, I don't know. Who's that one in the dress?
01:01:01That's Amy. She's in all the lads, mate.
01:01:03Remember? Boyfriend's accused of rape.
01:01:06Opportunity Knox? Yeah.
01:01:07And who's that one? Oh.
01:01:09Her son was murdered. Murdered?
01:01:12What's she doing in there?
01:01:13She's got a single coming in. Of course she has.
01:01:15Wow. Cheers. Cheers.
01:01:20Tragedy. Tragedy.
01:01:21When the feeling's gone and it can't go on,
01:01:23it's a tragedy. That's it.
01:01:24She's got all the time.
01:01:25That seems to be right.
01:01:27Arms.
01:01:29Question made.
01:01:31Layers out to the side.
01:01:3811.22pm.
01:01:40All the housemates are in the lounge.
01:01:43Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it,
01:01:45but I didn't think it was going to end up on the internet.
01:01:48How did it end up on the internet?
01:01:49Well, someone must have stolen it.
01:01:51Where from?
01:01:52From the flat.
01:01:52We probably put it on the open windowsill
01:01:55next to the apple pie that was calling down.
01:01:56Some ruffians came by.
01:01:57They put it straight on the internet.
01:01:59I'm glad they did, though, because then the lads mags called
01:02:02and said, hey, we saw those.
01:02:04We thought they looked great in motion.
01:02:06Did they look as good still?
01:02:07And they did.
01:02:08So they put them in the magazines, and luckily,
01:02:12I was reading one of them.
01:02:13You went out with them for a while, didn't you?
01:02:16We didn't really go out with them.
01:02:17I shagged them a few times.
01:02:18And I also shagged.
01:02:33Andy has come to the diary room.
01:02:36You might be sued under the Trades Descriptions Act
01:02:38for calling it Celebrity Big Brother.
01:02:40I didn't know some of them were.
01:02:42Do you know what I mean?
01:02:43I just think...
01:02:45I just don't think this would do me any good at all.
01:02:47I think it would make me look bad, if anything.
01:02:48Because people won't go, oh, he's the biggest star in there.
01:02:52They'd go, well, if he's in there, he must be as...
01:03:02Dear Three, Lionel is dancing again.
01:03:10Oh! Oh!
01:03:12Ow!
01:03:13I pulled my bloody back!
01:03:15Oh, wait.
01:03:17There we go.
01:03:18Easy does it.
01:03:18Lay back, lay back, lay back, lay back.
01:03:20Oh!
01:03:20You all right?
01:03:22Why are you doing this?
01:03:24It just keeps up the profile.
01:03:26But you've been performing for 40 years.
01:03:28Aren't you bored with just having to be on all the time?
01:03:31Yeah.
01:03:32I ache as well.
01:03:34I wake up in the morning and I ache.
01:03:36That's why I've done my bloody back.
01:03:38I didn't stretch because it aches to stretch.
01:03:42Do you know what I look forward to these days?
01:03:46Death.
01:03:48Oh, save me some wine.
01:03:51It numbs the pain.
01:03:52Oh, come back.
01:03:53Oh.
01:03:58Day four.
01:04:00Big Brother set the housemates a task.
01:04:03The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame,
01:04:06with one being the most famous and eight being the least famous.
01:04:11I've worked hard to get where I've got.
01:04:13What have you done?
01:04:13Drop your knickers.
01:04:14OK.
01:04:15All right.
01:04:15Well, at least I'm on the way up.
01:04:16My fans are watching this, so I think I should be here.
01:04:19I've been famous for ten years.
01:04:20You've been famous for ten minutes.
01:04:21Excuse me.
01:04:22I've been in this business every three years.
01:04:25I don't mind about Grando.
01:04:27Come on, go on.
01:04:27I had two programmes in the top five.
01:04:30Give us a clue and name that dude.
01:04:32I know you did.
01:04:32When have you ever been on the telly?
01:04:33I know you did.
01:04:33Everybody watched them.
01:04:34It's in Holmes now.
01:04:35Oh, is that right?
01:04:36I don't care if Lionel wants to go number one.
01:04:38I'll stop with Lionel, but I'm not stopping with her.
01:04:40Well, I don't mind.
01:04:41I mean, all I say is my show is getting seven million every week on BBC One.
01:04:46Everyone shouts my catchphrase.
01:04:48You have a four-year-old shout my catchphrase.
01:04:50Excuse me.
01:04:51All the four-year-olds shout my catchphrase.
01:04:52Well, they did.
01:04:53They're five now, but that's not the point.
01:04:54I'm sorry, mate.
01:04:55You're a reality winner.
01:04:57Hold on.
01:04:58Hold on.
01:04:58Hold on a second.
01:05:00Actually, you didn't even win.
01:05:01You didn't even win.
01:05:02I was 75.
01:05:03I didn't even win.
01:05:05My son's murder was on the news at 10.
01:05:11And I met Gordon Brown.
01:05:13He paid for me to come up to London and everything.
01:05:16Still, it must have been a terrible time.
01:05:19It was an absolute tragedy.
01:05:21Tragedy!
01:05:22Everybody!
01:05:22Where feeling's gone and you can't go out, it's tragedy!
01:05:25Come on, it's number one there.
01:05:27Woo!
01:05:27Come on, honey.
01:05:28It's not too bad.
01:05:29With no one to love you, you're going nowhere.
01:05:33Do-do-do!
01:05:33With the shoulders, everybody!
01:05:35It's tragedy!
01:05:38Andy has come to the diary room.
01:05:41I don't know why I did this.
01:05:44I just don't...
01:05:46What...
01:05:46What is this?
01:05:48This is a blip.
01:05:48Is this a blip?
01:05:49Is this a blip in my life?
01:05:51Will I do something embarrassing?
01:05:52Will I...
01:05:53What...
01:05:53Do they...
01:05:54I don't know.
01:05:57I don't know what's the best that can happen.
01:05:59I know what the worst is.
01:06:01But I don't know what the best is.
01:06:03I don't know what the best that can happen with this is.
01:06:06Oh!
01:06:09Andy, is there anything you miss on the outside world?
01:06:20Loads of stuff.
01:06:29The housemates are talking about fame.
01:06:32Yeah, it's great.
01:06:33When did you first realise you wanted to be famous?
01:06:36Me?
01:06:37Yeah.
01:06:38I didn't think I did just want to become famous.
01:06:40I thought I wanted something...
01:06:42But obviously I do just want to be famous.
01:06:44Why else would I put myself here with a load of other desperate people?
01:06:47Oh!
01:06:47What?
01:06:48I'm not desperate.
01:06:49No?
01:06:50No.
01:06:51I'm doing this to broaden my career.
01:06:53I want to be a serious journalist.
01:06:55Yesterday, June, you spent 20 minutes making porridge in high heels and a thong.
01:07:01So?
01:07:01I don't think Kate Adie started out like that.
01:07:04Who?
01:07:04Good luck with the pudding, sir.
01:07:06Are you patronising?
01:07:06No, I'm not having a go.
01:07:07I'm really not having a go.
01:07:08I'm just saying we must be desperate.
01:07:10Why else should we come onto a show where you have to hand in your dignity at the door?
01:07:14I haven't handed in my dignity.
01:07:20I'm hopeful!
01:07:34I've made a gardener love at points, actually, this was a jeopardy, you could justinformated
01:07:35How does it ever go.
01:07:36To the village and have people status?
01:07:41Tell me about it.
01:07:44Or do the village and the village and have people Difficly.
01:07:45I'm pretty specific.
01:07:45I'm sorry that but I'll took the house and I'll just be able to come out to
01:08:46What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick. I'd better do the invites
01:08:52and bake a cake and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding.
01:09:55You can't wash your hands of this. You can't keep going, oh, it's exploitation, but it's what the public want.
01:10:00No. The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called Big Brother or X Factor, where the preliminary rounds.
01:10:06We wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered up by multi-millionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home.
01:10:15Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all. Because I'm one of these people that goes,
01:10:21oh, I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood. Yeah, it's in my blood because a real job's too hard.
01:10:25I would love to be a doctor. Too hard. Didn't want to put the work in. I'd love to be
01:10:29a war hero. I'm too scared. So I go, oh, it's what I do. And I have someone bollocked if
01:10:37my cappuccino's cold or if they look at me the wrong way.
01:10:41Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said, I'll never be happy because I'll never be
01:10:45famous enough. And they were right.
01:10:51And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. And you never did
01:10:58anything wrong. It was everything else. I'll never do that again. I'll never treat you like that again.
01:11:04Yeah. It's eating me up. You asked me a stupid question once. And I said, I could have answered it.
01:11:09And I didn't. Because I'll answer it now. I'd be the penguin.
01:11:17Because I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking. Why doesn't the fish fly away? Well, they
01:11:23can't really fly. They sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish.
01:11:31I'm so sorry. I've been waiting to hear that, mate. I don't think he may. He's a good guy. He's
01:11:37a good guy. Yeah.
01:11:40I'm going to go now. Cheers, everyone. Andy? Yeah. Andy, that was amazing.
01:11:45Cheers. I'm going to come with you. Okay. Just give me five minutes. There's paparazzi out there. I'll put on
01:11:50a bikini.
01:11:51I'll put on a bikini.
01:12:09Andy, sweetheart. Andy. Andy.
01:12:14Seriously, mate, you are a fucking genius. Where did that come from?
01:12:19Have you seen the mob out there? It's gone mad. Mad. The phone's been going mental.
01:12:23I've had calls from all the papers, all the chat shows. We can charge a fortune for this.
01:12:28Well done, mate. Elton John, he's been on, wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties.
01:12:32He's 61, aren't he? Yeah, well, he's got a lot of parties to get through. I think he's still on
01:12:35the 60th ones.
01:12:36Oh, and Posh and Bex, being photographed next week on a private beach, against their will,
01:12:40and they wondered if he wanted to be there. Wow.
01:12:43Yeah? All right, listen. When you go through there, don't say too much, because we want to be able
01:12:47to sell your story. Just say a few words straight in the car. I've got your hotel suite. Let's get
01:12:51down
01:12:51there, assess our options. But seriously, mate, the world is your oyster. Okay.
01:12:56You ready? Yeah. All right, let me say a few words, then I'll bring you out.
01:12:59Yeah.
01:13:04Hey, everybody. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Obviously, Andy's been through a lot, so he won't be
01:13:08answering many questions now. There'll be a chance for that at the latest stage. So those of you who want
01:13:12to get your checkbooks open. All right, so, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Millman.
01:13:17Oh, he's a deaf bugger. Andy Millman.
01:13:36Hi. Hello. You all right? Yeah. I saw you on the TV. Did you? Okay. Good.
01:13:45Where are we going? Somewhere where no one cares who I am. Back to the island, then.
01:13:53Seriously. Somewhere where no one knows me. Holywood? Well, the hits keep coming.
01:14:03What do you want me to tell this lot out there? They've been sitting there for three
01:14:05fucking hours. Just like, oh, sorry, we lost them. Move! Fucking find him!
01:14:14Seriously, where do you want to go?
01:14:15Yeah. What can I go anywhere? Yeah. All right, then. Where do the flying fish live?
01:14:21In the sea. Let's go there, then. Two first-class tickets to the sea.
01:14:26ê A-ha-ha-ha. Bring the tea for two men. Steak for the sun. Wine for the woman who
01:14:34made the rain.