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00:04Oh, it says here I'm going to meet a handsome man with bags of personality.
00:08I told you, I'm married.
00:11I still can't believe you've got somebody to marry you.
00:14Don't be too amazed. You haven't seen her.
00:18Bloody hell, Kimberly. Are you still doing that time sheet? Hurry up!
00:21It's complicated, Mr Stokes.
00:23Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?
00:26I don't know it gives me a headache if it's too hard.
00:30Funny, that's what the wife said to me yesterday.
00:33I said, don't flatter yourself, love. That's not hard.
00:36It died years ago. That's rigor mortis.
00:40Andy Millman as Ray Stokes in a scene from BBC One's new sitcom When the Whistle Blows.
00:45The catchphrase is, are you having a laugh? Did you, Jermaine Greer?
00:47Oh, for goodness sake, why me? Why do you make me watch this stuff?
00:51This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage.
00:56It was nothing but really nasty, sub-carry-on innuendo.
01:00And it seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script.
01:06Wrote? It's supposed to have had a writer.
01:08I think he needs a defender, Mark Kermade.
01:10I think Jermaine's being flattering about it.
01:11I think it was absolutely horrible.
01:12I get the idea. They all seem to like it.
01:15No, I don't think so. I think it's like yours.
01:16Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
01:17Everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
01:21Why did Jermaine Greer and all those feminists burn their bras? What was going on there?
01:24Well, it was a symbolic gesture to suggest emancipation from a patriarchal society.
01:28But I thought a bra was supposed to help a lady, you know, stop her getting backache or whatever.
01:31You couldn't tell them at the time. They were furious.
01:33I bet they're kicking themselves now, aren't they, Barrett? I bet their boobs are all saggy around their ankles.
01:36Sorry, can we concentrate on the matter at hand?
01:38Yeah, well, I was going to say, the weird thing is, the worse the reviews are, the better the ratings.
01:41And it's strange, I was thinking about all those people that are making really great programmes,
01:44but not getting half the audience that you're getting,
01:45and thinking, oh, wouldn't it be great to work with them, you know,
01:47because they get a load of critical respect and everything.
01:48And I thought, no, I much prefer working with you, because you've, um, you've sold out.
01:53Do you know what I mean? You know, we're all making a fast buck now, which is great,
01:55because I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life.
01:57I do want to be doing this for the rest of my life, actually.
01:59Do you know how exhausting it is, getting panned by the critics every week?
02:01I've got no respect, and why should I have? I'm not an actor. I shout a catchphrase.
02:05Do you know why I got into acting in the first place? Robert De Niro.
02:08Do you think he'd be impressed with wigs and shouting the same thing every week?
02:11No. He's got a body of work he can look back on and be proud of. That's what I want.
02:16Get me someone I can be proud of.
02:17Has anything classy come in?
02:19Well, funny you should say that.
02:20BBC are doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare.
02:23Right.
02:24Doing King Lear.
02:25OK. Who's playing Lear?
02:27Robson Green.
02:28No.
02:29Get me some real Shakespeare. Get me any play.
02:32A play always sorts out an actor whose career's struggling,
02:34or they always pretend it was their first love, and they do a bit of theatre,
02:36and it gives them a bit of cred.
02:38Get me a play. The play's the thing.
02:41Right, then, play, though, all right?
02:42I'm going to put this in an email, so you remember as well.
02:45I've got the worst management in the world.
02:48Do you know what I mean?
02:49Yeah.
02:49I'm successful now.
02:51I'm still surrounded by the D team, or the A team.
02:53Yeah, it's hard though, isn't it?
02:54I mean, they're hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so...
02:57Not the A team.
02:58That's what you said.
02:59No, they're fictional characters.
03:01Oh, I thought it was a bit weird you mentioned them.
03:03I didn't. I meant the phrase.
03:04What phrase?
03:05The A, it means the best possible people for the job, doesn't it?
03:08What about the six million dollar man? Was that a phrase?
03:09No.
03:10It's very specific to him, because he got six million dollars.
03:12No, no, no, that could have been a phrase.
03:14What?
03:14Oh, look at him. He's a right old six million dollar man, isn't he?
03:17When would you ever say that?
03:18If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well out of one eye.
03:21What's the chance of that? What is the chance of that ever happening?
03:23I don't know.
03:24Didn't make up the phrase, did I?
03:25It's not a phrase.
03:28See you down there.
03:28See you later.
03:30Oh, Lisa, before you go, could you sign a picture for me?
03:33Yeah.
03:37What's your name again, love?
03:41Don't worry about it.
03:41You know, if you can't remember my name, it really doesn't matter.
03:43I know, I've just forgotten, because there's so many people.
03:46Right.
03:47So have you forgotten his name then?
03:50Oh, do you remember the actors, but not the little people?
03:52I've been doing your hair and make-up for five weeks.
03:55I'm very sorry, I just...
03:56It's fine, it's fine.
03:58It doesn't matter.
03:59I've got a terrible memory.
04:00Don't worry about it.
04:01Don't worry.
04:03Okay.
04:04Okay.
04:06Sorry.
04:15Godwell, bitch.
04:16Do you know, it's all the same with some of these people.
04:18Who owned with the tinnies, who owned with the fucking crew.
04:21Makes me sick.
04:22No, what can you do?
04:25Oh, Andy, by the way.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Can you sign me a picture?
04:30Can you sign that?
04:32This one?
04:33Yeah.
04:42Are we there, too?
04:43No, it's just to me.
04:51What should I put, though?
04:53To...
04:54To me, and I don't know, best wishes or whatever.
05:05What, do you not want to sign that?
05:06No, no, no, no.
05:07Pleasure.
05:08I was just thinking, um...
05:10Don't want to spell your name wrong.
05:11Are you spelling it?
05:12That's just the usual.
05:15Okay.
05:16Let's go for it.
05:19Er...
05:19Oh, I can't leave it at that, though.
05:20Let me go to a dressing room.
05:21I've got a magic marker.
05:22Oh, I've got a magic marker.
05:23Have you?
05:25My bag.
05:28Thanks.
05:30Right.
05:32Let's start with me first.
05:34Andy Millman.
05:35Work backwards.
05:37Best wishes.
05:38I mean that.
05:40To...
05:41And then your name...
05:44Oh!
05:45Right.
05:46Sorry.
05:46Before we do that, sorry about this.
05:48Must...
05:49No.
05:50Hold on.
05:51Let me do this, and we can get on with it.
05:56Good.
05:57Do you want to get this done?
05:58Yeah.
05:58Because I'm really conscious of time.
05:59I've got to get back down to the set.
06:00Right.
06:01Yeah, no, no, no.
06:02I know.
06:05What's your name?
06:10Well, you'll see what it is now.
06:12Because Andy is about to write it down.
06:18Oh, stop blowing.
06:19Well, I don't...
06:20You don't know my name, do you?
06:21Well, I don't know it.
06:22Yeah?
06:22What is it, then?
06:24What, in this context?
06:25Oh, forget it.
06:26Honestly, forget it.
06:27It doesn't matter.
06:28I've got to get my right to set.
06:30Just unbelievable.
06:32Oh, fucking little.
06:37She was upset.
06:39Yes, she was.
06:40You knew I didn't know her name.
06:42I said to you I don't know her name.
06:43So why did you give me the magic marker?
06:44Just because you needed one.
06:46No, no.
06:46That was an excuse to leave and ask someone a name, wasn't it?
06:49That's clever.
06:51I'd never thought to do that.
06:57What are you doing?
06:58Smell that.
06:59Nice fabric conditioner.
07:02I like smells.
07:03Do you know what?
07:04I once had this bar of soap and it smelled so nice that I bit into it because I wanted
07:06to see what it tasted like.
07:08It tasted of soap.
07:11Andy, reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you.
07:13Oh, God, who is it?
07:14He says he went to school with you.
07:15Steve Sherwood.
07:16Steve Sherwood?
07:17Who is it?
07:17That's what he said.
07:18What, he's here now?
07:19Yeah.
07:19Can he come through?
07:20Yeah.
07:21Hiya, can you send that guy up?
07:22Who's that?
07:23He was like the coolest kid in the school.
07:25Everyone wanted to be like him.
07:26Even you?
07:26Well, I suppose so, yeah.
07:27What does he do now?
07:28I think he's somewhat big in the city.
07:29Well, you could still do that.
07:30I don't want to be like him now, do I?
07:31I'm doing really well.
07:32He probably wants to be like me, if anything.
07:36He definitely doesn't want to be like you.
07:39Andy Pender, you little fat puffer.
07:42Hey, puffer.
07:44Hold on, hold on.
07:45You're with a pretty girl.
07:46There can only be one explanation.
07:48Are you a prostitute, darling?
07:49Pretty girl.
07:50So you're doing all right?
07:51Yeah, not bad, yeah.
07:52Just a missus?
07:53No.
07:54Why do you protest so much?
07:55What?
07:55Your funny idea is so repulsive.
07:56She's an attractive lady.
07:57Stop it.
07:58You know, we always thought you were gay at school.
07:59No, you didn't.
08:00Why?
08:00You never had a girlfriend.
08:01Not in front of you, I didn't.
08:02Oh, so you had a girlfriend, did you?
08:03Yes.
08:03No, not until he was 28.
08:0528?
08:05And she looked like Ronnie Corbin.
08:06Ronnie Corbin?
08:07No, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a...
08:09Why do you think I'm gay?
08:09You don't, do you?
08:10I'm not.
08:10Well, you are an actor.
08:11Well, that is the gayest profession.
08:12Yeah, I think rent boys, Gaia.
08:13Yeah, well, I wouldn't know.
08:15Well, of course it is if we're...
08:16Well, you tell me.
08:16You seem to know all about rent boys.
08:19I'm not, Gal.
08:20I never have been.
08:20I never will be.
08:23This.
08:27Nip that in the bud.
08:39Andy.
08:42What are you sitting on that little chair for?
08:46Just, what do you want?
08:48Um, the play.
08:50Talking to one of my contacts.
08:51You need Barry from EastEnders.
08:53Yeah.
08:54And, er, he's got a friend who's an actor.
08:55He's just had a meeting with Saree and McKellen.
08:57He was directing a new play.
08:58So I put in some calls, and you've got a meeting with McKellen on Wednesday.
09:01Really?
09:01Yeah, yeah.
09:02Oh, the lads here yell.
09:03There's some nice birds round here.
09:04I suppose so.
09:05Andy will be ready in about five minutes.
09:07Cheers.
09:07Five minutes is all I need.
09:09What?
09:09Steve Sherwood.
09:10What's your name?
09:11CZ.
09:12Nice to meet you, CZ.
09:13What time do you finish here?
09:14About ten o'clock.
09:15Right.
09:15Do you mind if I give you a call?
09:17Sure.
09:18Okay.
09:18What's your number?
09:26Speak to you later.
09:27Okay.
09:31Player.
09:32Oh.
09:33Respect, ma'am.
09:33Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Moore.
09:35Steve Sherwood's friend of mine.
09:36You're a friend of his?
09:37I don't think so.
09:37This guy's an absolute player.
09:38Respect again.
09:40Listen, if we're talking about the honeys, there's a chick I got my eye on, actually.
09:43Who?
09:44Oh, Maggie.
09:46Maggie?
09:47Forget it.
09:48Yeah, from what I've heard, she's pretty easy.
09:49Yeah, she's not that easy.
09:51Good luck.
09:52How would you approach it?
09:53I mean, what sort of?
09:53Just walk straight up to her and say, I've been admiring you from afar for a long time, and
09:57I haven't said anything, but I would love to take you out one night and see if we have
09:59as good a time as I think we will.
10:01Would you like to have dinner with me sometime, mate?
10:03Okay.
10:03Don't think about it.
10:04Just do it.
10:04Just do it.
10:05No, don't do it, please.
10:06Well, he says do it.
10:08Get over there.
10:08Go on.
10:09Oh, look at him.
10:13Maggie.
10:14Hello.
10:14Sorry.
10:14Hi.
10:15I just wanted to let you know that I've been watching you secretly without you knowing,
10:19and be very keen to spend the night with you and see if you enjoy it as much as I
10:23know
10:23I will, and happy to pay for it as well, you know, for dinner, if you want to, if you
10:29eat dinner, or I'm obviously eating dinner.
10:31Are you asking me out?
10:32Yeah.
10:34Well, I'll cook me dinner.
10:35I can cook you dinner if you want, yeah.
10:36Can you cook?
10:37Yes.
10:38Yeah, okay, then.
10:39Really?
10:41Yeah.
10:43Okay, cool.
10:44I'll give you a coffee later.
10:46Yeah.
10:47Yeah.
10:48Do you know?
10:49Bye.
10:52What'd she say?
10:54She said yes.
10:55Really?
10:56Oh, my God.
10:57It's worse than I thought.
10:58She's at rock bottom.
11:00Yes, she has.
11:02Do you know what?
11:03I've never seen him even try and chat up a woman.
11:04No, no, no, because I wouldn't do it in front of you, would I?
11:06I'm actually beginning to think he might be a bit gay.
11:08No, no, no, no.
11:08Join a club.
11:09Well, no, don't join any club, because I'm not.
11:10Yeah, sure, you could chat up a woman, right?
11:12Yes, if I wanted to, yeah.
11:13Go on, then.
11:14I don't want to.
11:14We've both done it.
11:15Go on, this one coming out.
11:16Go on.
11:16Go on.
11:17No, no, no.
11:21Hi.
11:23Hi.
11:23Do you know what time we finished tonight?
11:25I don't know.
11:25About ten-ish, I think.
11:26Ten, hey.
11:27I want to.
11:40Just want you to know what time we finished.
11:42Cheers.
11:44I wasn't lucky.
11:46She answered me at everything, ten o'clock.
11:48She said, you know, are you still sparkly?
11:52She definitely noticed.
11:56Tilly, I thought she was interested.
12:06Hello.
12:07Hello.
12:07Andy, moment.
12:08Andy.
12:09Do sit down.
12:10It's a pleasure to meet you, three.
12:11Please, no titles in the workplace.
12:15Andy.
12:17Millman.
12:18Good.
12:19Good.
12:20Not much theatre work of late.
12:22No.
12:23Oh, that's fine.
12:24Good hands, yeah.
12:28How do I act so well?
12:31What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.
12:40Yeah.
12:41You're confused.
12:42No.
12:42It's definitely simple.
12:43Case in point.
12:44Lord of the Rings.
12:45Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand and says to me,
12:47Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard.
12:50And I say to him, you are aware that I am not really a wizard.
12:57And he said, yes, I am aware of that.
12:58What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration
13:04of the film.
13:06So I said, okay.
13:07And then I said to myself, hmm, how would I do that?
13:13And this is what I did.
13:16I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard.
13:19And then I pretended and acted in that way on the day.
13:28Yeah.
13:29And how did I know what to say?
13:31The words were written down for me in a script.
13:34How did I know where to stand?
13:36People told me.
13:39If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, something like this.
13:45Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action.
13:47Wizard, you shall not pass.
13:49Cut!
13:50Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
13:53Okay.
13:53You see?
13:54Yeah.
13:54So, now you would be pretending to be John in this play.
13:59And how would you know what to say?
14:00Well, the words would be in the script.
14:02Yeah.
14:03And you would learn the words.
14:04You would not have the script on the night.
14:06And that goes for everybody.
14:07There will be no scripts on the night.
14:08You learn the words.
14:09Yeah.
14:10No, I see.
14:10And you speak them as if you were saying them for the first time.
14:12I didn't think we would have the script.
14:13No, you won't.
14:14No.
14:14Because if you did have the script,
14:15it would break the illusion.
14:16And the whole thing is illusion.
14:18Do you see?
14:18You are not really John.
14:19No, I know.
14:20You are pretending.
14:21And that is acting.
14:29What's the...
14:33What's the play about?
14:34Well, it's a new play by Charlie, Charlie Hayward.
14:37And as I say, you would be the part of John.
14:39And you're in love with Fran.
14:41And the whole centrepiece of the play is the emotional confrontation
14:45where the two of you address those unspoken feelings.
14:48Okay.
14:49Which you've been bottling up.
14:50That sounds challenging.
14:51Oh, I hope so.
14:52Yeah.
14:52And I don't know, is it anything that you've been...
14:55Oh, definitely.
14:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:56Yeah.
14:57Yeah.
14:57Yeah.
14:57Great.
14:59So, let me introduce you to the team.
15:00There's Fran, who's your lover.
15:02Yeah.
15:03Hey, bye.
15:03Leslie.
15:04Leslie, this is Andy.
15:05Good to meet you.
15:06You're Fran.
15:08Fran's a man.
15:09Yes.
15:09Can be.
15:10Because Fran Healy out of Travis.
15:12What?
15:13Yep.
15:14And our clever little writer, Charlie.
15:18He's a woman.
15:20I'm Fran's lover in this.
15:22Yes.
15:22Can I have a quick look at the script?
15:25It's for, yeah.
15:28I don't want to say anything about this.
15:30And I don't know if you'd be happy to do this.
15:32Yeah.
15:32I just want to...
15:33Have you thought we might do a little workshop of some of the lines, you know, get it up on
15:36its feet, kick it around a bit?
15:38I don't know.
15:38Do you have time for that?
15:40Andy?
15:41Yep.
15:41But can I get you something?
15:43Some water?
15:43A cup of tea?
15:44Tea.
15:45George, will you get Andy a cup of tea?
15:47Yeah, no problem.
15:48George, of course.
15:53All right.
15:56Moron.
15:58What?
15:58You talking to me?
15:58Yeah, I'm talking to you.
15:59Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play?
16:01What?
16:01What gay play?
16:02The play I'm in that you got me, a month of summers.
16:04It's a gay play.
16:04I've got to play a gay with another gay, acting all gay, all through the play.
16:09It's so gay.
16:10Do not worry.
16:12Do you know why?
16:13Gay, my friend, is all the rage.
16:15What does that mean?
16:16Let me tell you what it means.
16:17It will show you are sensitive.
16:18It will show that you are versatile.
16:20All right, case in point, Mr Thomas Hanks.
16:22Okay?
16:22Now, people weren't interested in Tom Hanks.
16:24Suddenly, he does that film Philadelphia.
16:25Yeah?
16:25Remember in that film, he played a skinny little bent fellow.
16:28Remember?
16:29Yeah.
16:29Right?
16:29After that, everyone loved him.
16:31Do you know what I mean?
16:31All those two guys from Brokeback Mountain.
16:33Now, they're not even gay.
16:34And I was watching there, right?
16:35And they were getting off with each other.
16:36Oh, I was sick to the stomach.
16:37They were so convincing.
16:38Even though I was going, they're not really queer, they're not really queer.
16:40I was still repulsed, because of how good they were.
16:44When did you go and see Brokeback Mountain?
16:46I watched on DVD with that.
16:51I don't know.
16:53When you're a boy, you can wear a uniform.
16:57When you're a boy, other boys check you out.
17:01You get a girl.
17:03You'll set your favorite things.
17:05When you're a boy, boys.
17:15John, I love you.
17:16Boys.
17:18I know.
17:20Yes, that's lovely.
17:23Thanks.
17:29Hi, can I just check, there are some tickets for my colleagues from the BBC.
17:33They should be coming down.
17:34Damon Beasley plus one and Ian Morris plus one.
17:37Yeah, we've got them.
17:38Oh, great.
17:38Okay, we'll look good.
17:38Andy Pandy.
17:42You remember these boys from school, don't you?
17:43Nobby, Bossog, Gutteron.
17:46What are you doing here?
17:47Not here for the play, are you?
17:47Have we got tickets?
17:49Not your type of thing.
17:50No, no, no.
17:50We're looking forward to it.
17:51What's it about?
17:52It's all feelings and emotions.
17:53I'm just here.
17:54Oh, no.
17:55Oh, God, look at that.
17:56Pooft is at 12 o'clock.
17:57What can you do?
17:58Is that your audience, is it?
17:59No way.
18:00Andy.
18:01Hiya.
18:02Fans.
18:03Thanks for sorting out tickets, love.
18:05No worries.
18:06Why are you sorting the village people out with tickets?
18:07Village people?
18:08Oh, this is Gaius.
18:09Hoo!
18:10Honey, you Christ.
18:12I couldn't miss my little genie's first grown-up play.
18:16Oh, you do hang around with all the gooch boys, don't you?
18:18Hello, I'm Bunny.
18:20He was up there.
18:21How's the wife?
18:21Oh, gone.
18:22I was living a lie and she knew it,
18:24but now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock, guilt-free, yummer, yummer, yummer, yummer, yummer.
18:31Break a leg.
18:32Oh, get changed.
18:35Come down for a few beers if you want, but don't have any one for this shit.
18:45Hello.
18:45Hi.
18:46How are you doing?
18:46Good.
18:47Good.
18:48Now, look, I've just been talking to Leslie,
18:49and we think it would be better if at the end of Act Two
18:52you were to kiss each other.
18:55Oh, no, Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of Act Two.
19:02No.
19:03No?
19:03No.
19:04No.
19:04Why?
19:04It's just too obvious.
19:07Oh, no, dear, don't forget,
19:08you've finally been able to express your feelings towards each other.
19:11For the first time in 20 years,
19:13and I think a kiss would be a sort of physicalisation of this emotional liberation.
19:18You know, your freedom to show the world what you are.
19:21Not the whole world, though.
19:22Well, let's give him a clue, but let's keep it subtle.
19:24Oh, no, but imagine if he just leans over you and then...
19:27Kisses me on the cheek, shake hands, curtain comes down,
19:30bravo, uncle, what a brilliantly directed play.
19:32Well done.
19:33Well, thank you, dear, but no, no, dear,
19:34let's kiss you on the lips.
19:35No, he can't kiss me on the lips.
19:36Why, then?
19:37Cold sore.
19:38What?
19:38Yeah, opening night.
19:40Well, let me see.
19:40Sons of law.
19:41Well, you can't let it sound liquid.
19:42No.
19:42No, I...
19:42Don't you worry about that, no, no, no.
19:44I do worry about it.
19:44We'll soon sort that out, that old theatre trip.
19:47Oh, yeah.
19:47George, can you get us some Vaseline?
19:55Hello.
19:56Hello.
19:56Yes.
19:57Come in, come through.
19:58The crib.
20:00It's big.
20:01No, it's...
20:01Well, yeah, it's all right.
20:02It's nice, isn't it?
20:03It's all right.
20:04Oh, thank you very much.
20:04Is that red or what's...
20:05It's red, but I don't care anything.
20:07No, I got what I got red myself, so...
20:09Yeah.
20:09Obviously, we're both fans of red.
20:11Yeah.
20:12I quite like white, but...
20:13I don't care anything, me.
20:14Do you want to try?
20:14Do you want to take a Coke?
20:15Because it's quite hot in here, because of the cooking.
20:17It's a nice smell.
20:18Yeah, no, it's...
20:19Well, we're going sort of oriental.
20:21Well, no, yeah, just hang out, yeah.
20:48Come on, Fran.
20:48You're like an old lady.
20:55I stopped to pick up this shell.
20:57Look.
20:58It's beautiful.
20:59It is.
21:01It is.
21:10Do you remember the first time we came here?
21:11Yeah.
21:13With Paul.
21:13Yeah.
21:17Oh, bloody sea.
21:19Why are you so scared of the sea?
21:20I'm not scared of the sea.
21:22It's just...
21:23When it gets in your shoes, the salt water just rots away.
21:26They're the stitches, and they fall apart on you.
21:28You have to throw them away.
21:31Are you still talking about the sea?
21:33Of course.
21:33What else?
21:35You're mad.
21:43I'm going back to the beach house.
21:49Fran, wait for me.
22:00You've got to go like that.
22:02Like a big pot.
22:03Yeah.
22:03No, no, no.
22:05What?
22:06It's not a proper Christmas.
22:07No, it's about...
22:08I like the salad.
22:09I know, but you can't have a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza.
22:11I like the salad.
22:31You OK?
22:32Yeah, just, um...
22:33Just went for the system to refill.
22:36Just left a bit of, um...
22:38You know, flush away completely.
22:40So...
22:41Annoying it.
22:46Are you going to sit down?
22:47No, because it's on my mind, Tony, so...
22:50OK.
22:50I'm going to get it sorted.
22:54Is that all right?
22:55Yes.
23:06Let's have another go.
23:07Mm-hmm.
23:16Oh, for fuck's sake.
23:22Don't worry about it.
23:24You know, I don't want you to have to see it.
23:25I don't want you to have to worry about it.
23:28I don't want you to have to worry about it.
23:39That's just mashing it up.
23:55You kept the shell?
23:58Of course I did.
23:59You gave it to me.
24:01It wasn't mine to give.
24:02I kept it anyway.
24:11Nearer the knee.
24:15John...
24:17I love you.
24:18In the play.
24:19I know.
24:23I'm going to kiss you.
24:25No point.
24:26Silly.
24:27Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about.
24:28We do.
24:29We agreed.
24:29If any nonsense happens, I'm going home.
24:31Let's just have a lovely evening and appreciate the stars and the moon.
24:35As agreed.
24:36OK, so...
24:37Just run to the next bit.
24:40Not going to happen.
24:43Who the f*** is that?
24:45What are you doing?
24:46There's like deliverance in here.
24:47What are you playing at?
24:51I said I wouldn't do the kiss.
24:54McKellen comes to me five minutes before and drops that bombshell on me.
24:57Oh, we'd like you to do the kiss.
24:58Not my cup of tea, mate.
25:00And then all that.
25:02And him a knight of the round.
25:05Do you want to do the end bit without that?
25:07Oh, he's got the amp.
25:11No one to study, so I'm afraid it's the end of the run.
25:14Sorry about that.
25:15We nearly finished anyway, to be fair.
25:17About five minutes to go, wasn't there?
25:18All you missed was we find out me and Fran were both having it off with Paul.
25:23Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier?
25:26Paul killed himself because he was wracked with guilt about doing both of us behind the other one's back.
25:33So...
25:37She's writing all this down.
25:39That's not gonna be good, is it?
25:50Are you having a laugh?
25:51Is he having a laugh?
25:54Not my audience.
25:55So what?
26:03Spring tea for the killer man, steak for the son.
26:07March, they get invited to parties and so forth and, you know, weight can be a problem.
26:10You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight.
26:15Will I be writing that?
26:16Is it a...
26:16It's not a struggle.
26:17The more I eat, the fatter I get.
26:18It's easy.
26:20It's easy.
26:21What are your ambitions?
26:21I mean, obviously this has been a big hit for you, a surprise hit some would say.
26:25But what are your ambitions over and above this?
26:26You can do more of the same or do you want to branch out?
26:28I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting and I would like to do films.
26:33Who would you like to meet?
26:34Who would you like to work with?
26:34You don't know anyone.
26:35I know most people in Hollywood.
26:37I've interviewed most of them.
26:38I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times.
26:39I've interviewed Robert De Niro I interviewed.
26:42I've interviewed all the greats.
26:43Yeah, obviously, Robert De Niro is the greatest actor in the world.
26:45So I'd obviously like to work with him.
26:48All right.
26:48Challenge accepted.
26:49Challenge accepted.
26:50Challenge accepted.
26:51De Niro, I will hook you up with De Niro.
26:52You can get me De Niro.
26:53Yeah, but lose some weight first.
27:00Andy.
27:00All right.
27:01Well done.
27:01That was great.
27:02Really?
27:02It was fantastic.
27:05All right.
27:06Well, look, wait for me in there.
27:06I've got to pop downstairs.
27:07But don't go without seeing me.
27:08I'd really love to chat.
27:09Okay.
27:09Wait for me.
27:10All right.
27:10Okay, have me a minute.
27:15Is that, yeah?
27:16First chat show?
27:17Yeah.
27:17You're not serious.
27:18Yeah, I was nervous as well.
27:19You didn't show.
27:19Oh, really?
27:20No, I didn't notice.
27:21You were great.
27:21Well, I mean, I've done loads.
27:23You'll get used to it.
27:24Sorry, sorry.
27:25Have you got a minute to talk to a bit of funny ass from the audience?
27:27Yeah.
27:27Yeah.
27:29Joe?
27:30This is Andy.
27:30Andy?
27:30Joe?
27:31Hi.
28:00Hi.
28:01What's your mobile?
28:03I lost my mobile.
28:04I don't know where it is at the moment.
28:07It's in your pocket.
28:07It's in my what?
28:09It's in your pocket.
28:11Oh, I thought I'd look there.
28:14Why didn't I look in there?
28:16I usually look in my pocket.
28:18Well done, kid.
28:19What's your number?
28:22Mine?
28:23Yeah.
28:26Oh, can I remember?
28:28Oh, double seven double oh nine hundred one five eight.
28:37Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there.
28:39Well done, no, that's my old one.
28:41That's the one I lost.
28:42That's the one I lost.
28:42Oh.
28:43No.
28:44If you're going to test it, it's oh double seven double oh nine hundred one six eight.
28:49Okay.
28:49All right.
28:49Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday.
28:51Well, I don't know if I can...
28:52Well, you can make it Monday.
28:53Wow.
28:53It's just, it's half an hour.
28:54Yeah.
28:54Now get a cab, you can afford it.
28:56Yeah, no, but...
28:57Six o'clock, Sir Matthews?
28:58He's going to be on the Parrot Ward's neurology blog.
29:01Okay.
29:01At six o'clock.
29:02Okay.
29:02See you at six.
29:03Yep.
29:03Great.
29:04Thank you very, very much.
29:05Awesome.
29:05Say goodbye.
29:06Bye.
29:06Cheers.
29:06Bye-bye.
29:07Thanks.
29:18Bit weird, isn't it?
29:19Bit presumptuous.
29:20No, I mean, it's weird she didn't ask me.
29:22I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people.
29:25Well, maybe she didn't notice me.
29:27Maybe.
29:28Unlikely.
29:29I think you're going to notice Robert Lindsay in her room.
29:32You know, she probably saw me and thought, I'd love to ask him first, being one of Britain's
29:35best-loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing, he can dance, and he
29:40has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake.
29:42Ah.
29:43No, she...
29:44I know what it was.
29:45She was intimidated.
29:46And she, you know, caught a bird in her hand.
29:49I'll definitely get a yes from the nobody.
29:52Worried about this kid though, aren't you?
29:54Yeah.
29:54No, I'm worried.
29:54I'm worried about the kid, because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid
29:59mistakes like that, you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making?
30:02Is she screwing up his medication?
30:05Is she?
30:06I don't know.
30:06I don't know.
30:07No.
30:07No.
30:09Good luck.
30:10Keep them laughing.
30:11Not at all.
30:17I can.
30:27Would you like to come back for maca?
30:31Yes.
30:31I'd love to.
30:33I can.
30:39Oh, hiya. Nice night.
30:41That's lovely, yeah, yeah. This is Maggie.
30:43Hello, Maggie.
30:45You live with your parents?
30:46Yeah.
30:49Oh, if you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear?
30:52We need to get up early tomorrow.
30:53We're not going to get up to anything.
30:55Oh, I think Michael thinks you are.
30:56I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here.
30:59You don't want people saying you're a prick tease, love.
31:01Definitely not.
31:02If you're like you, you're no spring chicken.
31:05You must be sexually active.
31:06You look like you know your way around.
31:08Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something?
31:11Hmm?
31:12Are you on contraception?
31:16Yes.
31:16What kind?
31:19It's the pill.
31:20The pill? You don't go on the pill. Dangerous thrombosis.
31:23I always use a cap, don't I, dear?
31:25She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe.
31:29Belt and braces.
31:30You've got two sons, that's enough.
31:32Now we want the fun without the responsibility.
31:38Doesn't have to be penetrative sex either, of course.
31:40Plenty of other things to do.
31:42Sometimes we do everything but.
31:44An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.
31:47Indeed.
31:49Indeed.
32:09Do you play at all?
32:11Well, we should definitely have a game.
32:12I used to play all the drama school, I haven't played for a while.
32:13Well, I can see that, but I've got a call on my back.
32:15Right, money on it.
32:16I will knock you all over them.
32:17Actually, I've got two calls.
32:19Oh, brilliant, thank you.
32:19Right, I'm going to show you this.
32:20Is that your wages?
32:21No.
32:22This, I've got two of these.
32:23Oh, one in Japan and one in New York, all right?
32:25Oh, sorry.
32:25I'll set it up.
32:27Hello?
32:27Hello, it's me.
32:29Hi.
32:29Yeah.
32:30What can I do for you?
32:31Nothing.
32:31I've just gone for a chat.
32:33Oh, God.
32:34I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on.
32:37Do you have to send me right now?
32:39What, are you busy?
32:40Yeah, I'm...
32:41Right in the middle of something.
32:42Look at this, look at this.
32:42What's this one?
32:43I'll call you later, though.
32:44Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished.
32:45I'll stretch it.
32:46Look at this.
32:47Sort of really snowed under.
32:49I've got to go.
32:49I'll speak to you soon, eh?
32:51All right.
32:51Well, I'll speak to you tomorrow.
32:55That's my toy, right?
32:56But this is his toy.
32:56I had to buy this separately.
32:58I love the fact that your toys have got toys.
33:00Of course.
33:00Or not.
33:01As breathed.
33:02And this will be reported somewhere or other, but he didn't actually deliver it.
33:05He said something else.
33:07OK, so how are you getting on with the De Niro thing?
33:10What's that?
33:11I told you.
33:13Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film.
33:14You said you'd get me an audition.
33:16You said you'd make a few phone calls.
33:17Yeah, no, no.
33:17I've been looking into that.
33:18Have you?
33:18It's tricky, cos all these people are in Los Angeles.
33:20So?
33:21You've got a phone?
33:22Yeah, it's complicated, though, cos it took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead.
33:25They're behind.
33:26Are they?
33:27Yes.
33:27That explains quite a lot.
33:29So what time would it be over there now?
33:30Right, it's four o'clock here, so eight hours.
33:33Five, six...
33:34Now you're going up.
33:35Five, six...
33:36You're still going up.
33:37No, that's down, if you look.
33:38No, it's four o'clock here, so eight hours, eight o'clock.
33:41That's four hours ahead.
33:42In the morning.
33:42Oh, OK, yes.
33:43Suppose they get in at nine.
33:44Ten.
33:45Yeah, have a cup of coffee, say hello to people, and...
33:47Yeah.
33:47Right.
33:48Add eight.
33:49To what?
33:50Ten.
33:50Ten.
33:50Eighteen.
33:51What do you mean, eighteen?
33:52Oh, no, add eight.
33:53To hours, you mean.
33:54Well, of course.
33:54Yeah, sorry.
33:55So call them at six o'clock.
33:56Right, their time.
33:57Our time.
33:58Our time.
34:02Edit.
34:03If I can get ahold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired.
34:05OK?
34:06I've outgrown you.
34:06I don't know what you're for.
34:08Have another go, but if I beat you to him, you're fired.
34:21Hey, hello.
34:22All right?
34:23What are you doing here?
34:24Some more extra work, obviously.
34:26That's where it's tight, isn't it?
34:27What's the same as it was?
34:28Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on.
34:30This guy?
34:31Right.
34:31To look at him, you would think that he was Mr. Perfect.
34:35Your dad?
34:36What?
34:36What did you say your dad was?
34:37No, a date.
34:38I went on a date.
34:39All right.
34:41Cheers.
34:41Is this a really bad time?
34:42Because I can easily come back and catch you at a later date.
34:45That's better.
34:46Whatever you did.
34:47I wish you'd hook her, because I've hardly seen you.
34:49Well, not in the flesh.
34:50I've seen you in the paper.
34:51In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend.
34:56Oh, well.
34:57Wassey takes when for a wide.
34:59That's at his house in Swanwich.
35:01That was a brilliant day.
35:03Yeah.
35:04Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime.
35:07Yeah.
35:08Don't you get it?
35:08Get a runner to get it.
35:09No, not now.
35:10I'm saying we should get together and have a cup of tea.
35:15Tell you what, if you do want to hook up, then do me a favour at the same time.
35:17I've got to go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday, and I'm dreading it.
35:20I don't want to say to him.
35:21At least if you're there, I'd have someone to talk to.
35:22Sure?
35:23You want me to come?
35:23Sounds like you should be asking some hot date.
35:25No.
35:25That'd be awful.
35:26No, you're great.
35:27Buy myself a new dress, then.
35:29Huh?
35:30Nothing.
35:32Right.
35:32Well, I'll leave you to it, then.
35:34Look at his face.
35:35Bye.
35:36Where's he on the bike when he's got about five cars?
35:38Let's go.
35:47Hey.
35:51Hey.
35:53Can we shut ourselves away?
35:59Wouldn't it be good to be on your side?
36:03The grass is always greener over there
36:08Wouldn't it be good to be...
36:10You fuck this!
36:17Cut! Cut! Cut!
36:19Sorry!
36:20You know what we're doing?
36:21The bucket fell off the thing!
36:22Yes, erm...
36:29Don't touch that in!
36:32Look who's here!
36:34Hello!
36:35I need the catchphrase!
36:36Sit down!
36:38Sit down!
36:41No, I need a catchphrase!
36:44Are you having a laugh?
36:46Is she having a laugh?
36:47It's good, that. It's very clever!
36:51It's my friend Maggie.
36:52Hi!
36:57What you been doing?
37:00Just laying here.
37:02Yeah.
37:11Comfy?
37:13Um...
37:13It's pretty comfy, yeah.
37:15And I'm on morphine, so I can't really feel anything.
37:21Rather that than the terrible pain.
37:29Um...
37:29Are you his girlfriend, Dil?
37:31No.
37:32Just a friend.
37:33Why'd you have a friend who's a girl?
37:35Boring.
37:36Usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me.
37:40Not stupid.
37:41Very dim.
37:43Um...
37:43I'll just take one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair.
37:46Could you keep a goldfish in that?
37:47See?
37:50Andy, can I have a word?
37:51Yeah, sure.
37:53Don't touch anything.
37:54They're not toys.
37:58You Chelsea fan?
37:59Yeah.
38:01Um...
38:02Can I just ask?
38:03It's...
38:03It's a very sensitive issue.
38:06But if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away...
38:09Who's Joe?
38:10Joe, my son.
38:11Oh, no, sorry.
38:12Yeah, no, I don't.
38:13Yeah.
38:14If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral?
38:20Oh, I...
38:22I don't even want to think about that.
38:24Well, you have to think about it.
38:25I know, but...
38:26Yeah, but it's something the whole family would really very much appreciate.
38:29You know, knowing how much you mean to Joe.
38:31And how much he means to you.
38:34So...
38:34Yeah.
38:35If you could tell me yes, you'd be happy to...
38:36To say a few words.
38:39But...
38:40I think...
38:41He's going to live a very long time.
38:44He may not.
38:45He may not.
38:46Oh, but...
38:46Yeah, no, but it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead.
38:51We may even lose him in the next six months.
38:53Yeah, six months is a long time with my schedule.
38:55Because things change, and I don't want to...
38:56Can I just say that you promised you'll be there unless...
38:59There's something, like, literally impossible for you to...
39:01To get out of.
39:02Like filming, or...?
39:03Not filming.
39:04Not filming?
39:05That's not important.
39:06No.
39:06What do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this?
39:09Just so I don't bother you with, like...
39:11I'm phoning you up, going,
39:12Oh, I can't make it because of this.
39:13Yeah.
39:14That's not an excuse.
39:15No.
39:16Right.
39:16What are we talking?
39:17What sort of?
39:18Can we just talk later?
39:19I have to get back in.
39:20Yeah.
39:25Where is he?
39:26There he is.
39:27There he is.
39:29There is the boy.
39:30Look at his face.
39:33Dumbstruck.
39:33I know.
39:34I understand.
39:34It's okay.
39:35It's okay.
39:35You were expecting a one-hit wonder, right?
39:38And what did you get?
39:39Bloody British legend.
39:41I know you know me from my family.
39:43The biggest and most popular sitcom in England.
39:46But...
39:46Did you know?
39:47I'm a serious actor.
39:48Oh, yeah.
39:49And I can sing and dance.
39:50Make them laugh, make them laugh.
39:52Don't you know that the world wants to laugh?
39:54My dad said be an actor, my son.
39:57But be a comical one, they'll be standing in lines
40:00While that old honky-tonk monkey shines.
40:03Ha ha ha.
40:04Ha ha ha.
40:04Ha ha ha.
40:05Gotta dance.
40:07Broadway rhythm.
40:08It's got me.
40:08Every dance.
40:09Oh, the Broadway rhythm.
40:10Driving, beating, rhythm.
40:12Bomb makes the Broadway melody.
40:22Oi.
40:23Sorry.
40:24It's the morphine.
40:25I'm tired.
40:26I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest.
40:29Rude.
40:30Well, I'm not really into musicals.
40:32So, what are you into?
40:34Well, comedies with catchphrases or candies.
40:36Freedom for tooting.
40:38Power to the people.
40:39What's that?
40:41Your kid does not know comedy.
40:43Sort it out.
40:44Now.
40:45Citizen Smith.
40:46Biggest sitcom of the 70s.
40:47Come on.
40:48I wasn't born until 1993.
40:49I wasn't born until 1949, but I know who Queen Victoria is.
40:53For God's sake.
40:53Is something wrong with your brain?
40:57Right, you'll love this.
40:58This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party.
41:01And if you think that's because they're drunk, think again.
41:03Because Richard E. Grant loves this story, and he doesn't even drink.
41:05So.
41:05I'm on the set at GBH.
41:07I'm in my trailer.
41:08Knock on the door.
41:08Guess who it is.
41:09Go on, guess.
41:10Um.
41:10Adam Pleasdale.
41:12I don't know who that is.
41:13Oh, fuck off.
41:17Kids are a waste of space.
41:23Oh, it was a nice surprise, wasn't it?
41:27That was interesting.
41:29Yeah.
41:30Do you want to go for a quick pint?
41:32I can't tonight.
41:33Hi.
41:33What are you doing?
41:34I am going to the IEV restaurant.
41:36You know Vernon Kaye and Tess Bailey?
41:38They invited me up for a meal.
41:39Why?
41:39They just want to hang out with me.
41:41Is there room for one more?
41:43No, I think the four's made up.
41:44Who's the four?
41:45Jamie Thiekson.
41:46Natter.
41:47But I promise I'll come and visit the kid again next week.
41:50Do you want to love him?
41:51Yeah.
41:51Okay.
41:52Brilliant.
41:53What's Thieko going to be like after a few beers?
41:55He's mental enough, sober.
42:12Yes.
42:13Oh.
42:14You all right?
42:16Is he in?
42:17Yes.
42:22Right.
42:23Hiya.
42:23I haven't got long.
42:24Just want to find out what's going on with this De Niro thing.
42:27Er...
42:27What?
42:28Did we have a meeting or what?
42:29I don't remember.
42:31I don't know anything.
42:37Were you masturbating?
42:38Say what?
42:39Were you masturbating when I came in?
42:45It's all right for you.
42:50Don't tell anyone then.
42:51Not attending.
42:52No.
42:52Why didn't you lock the door?
42:54I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead.
42:55I just...
42:56The moment took me and I just went crazy.
43:00It wasn't anything weird.
43:02No, but just so you know, it was...
43:03Oh, yeah.
43:04Well, if you must know what it was, it was the lady on this pen.
43:06I don't need to...
43:07It just looks like a regular lady.
43:08Nice, attractive lady, wearing a bathing costume.
43:10But when you turn it out the other way, it comes off.
43:12And then she's nude.
43:14Have you got my pen for it?
43:14Yeah, take your pen, please, for...
43:16Were you having a wink?
43:17I was trying to have a quick one, yes, but it's like bloody Piggadilly Circus in here.
43:20I didn't know.
43:21I just walked in and he was...
43:22If it's anyone's fault, it's yours for leaving your erotic material lying around.
43:24If you leave that stuff about, I'm only going to do one thing, aren't I?
43:26So...
43:26Why don't you have one before you come out?
43:27I did have one before I came out, Barry, thanks for asking.
43:29But I'm a very sexual being, if you must know, and I produce an ungodly amount of...
43:32Fine.
43:34Thank...
43:38This is what I'm talking about.
43:39We haven't talked about this.
43:40I didn't think I had to.
43:41I don't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work.
43:43One of them, tossing off over a pen.
43:46No.
43:47Do you really think you're earning your twelve and a half percent by doing that sort of thing under the
43:50table?
43:51No.
43:51No.
43:52Nor do I.
43:54So why am I paying you?
43:58That's it. It's just pathetic, really.
44:00I gave you a chance to sort something out and you'd rather be doing that, so...
44:03Don't start...
44:04Look at that.
44:08God almighty.
44:09As far as I'm concerned, you're fired.
44:12That's it.
44:12Well, if...
44:13If you're fired, then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting.
44:15I've said...
44:17You've got a meeting with Robert De Niro?
44:19Yeah, next week.
44:20What are you doing next Monday?
44:21What time?
44:23Six o'clock.
44:23Where?
44:24At his hotel.
44:24What hotel?
44:25Dorchester Hotel.
44:26So, next Monday, at six o'clock at the Dorchester Hotel, I'm meeting Robert De Niro.
44:30Brilliant.
44:30And if he doesn't turn up, you're fired then.
44:31Well, if he doesn't turn up, it's not my fault.
44:32Well, no, no, no.
44:33You've arranged it.
44:34So, it's win-win for me.
44:35So, either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro.
44:36Or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired.
44:38And I get a proper agent.
44:44Oh, for fuck's sake.
44:56Hello?
44:57Hi, are you alright?
44:58Oh, hi, yeah.
44:59I'm just on my way to the hospital.
45:00I'm taking an operation.
45:02I thought it seemed appropriate.
45:03Yeah.
45:04Um, look, I'm not going to be able to make it later.
45:06Oh, what do you mean?
45:07Um, I've got a really important meeting.
45:09What, at that exact time?
45:11Yeah.
45:11I couldn't.
45:12And no other time was available.
45:13No, he couldn't do any other time.
45:15Who?
45:15Robert De Niro.
45:17He couldn't do any other time?
45:18Sorry, do you hear what I said?
45:20Robert De Niro wants a meeting.
45:21It's just that it's only time that I oversee you.
45:23I'll move it, shall I?
45:24Sorry, Mr De Niro.
45:25I know you wanted to meet me.
45:26And you've been my hero all my life.
45:28But I meet up with Maggie at a very specific time every week.
45:31It can't be moved.
45:32Alright.
45:33I'm not having a go.
45:34I'm just disappointed, that's all.
45:36Well, I can't move it.
45:38Obviously not.
45:38It's really important.
45:40Sorry, I'll see you next week.
45:41Okay.
45:42Bye.
46:05Knock, knock.
46:07Hello.
46:07Hello.
46:08How are you?
46:09Good.
46:10Bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
46:12Andy can't make it.
46:14He's got a really important meeting.
46:15He's stuck with me.
46:17But I've brought you this, look.
46:19Ta-da!
46:21Alright?
46:21Yeah.
46:22Alright.
46:22Even though I'm a girl.
46:22No, it's okay.
46:24Come on then.
46:25You set it up.
46:27Okay.
46:46Oh no.
46:47You're so rubbish.
46:49I hope the surgeon working on me is better than you.
46:51This is just a tiny wee thing.
46:53I'm trying to get out here from what I've overheard.
46:54Your tumour is massive.
46:58It's all out.
46:59Be easy.
47:00To get out.
47:02You know.
47:15Very strange.
47:16I'm sure he'll be here in a second.
47:17It's very unusual for him to be late.
47:34No.
47:38No.
47:42No.
47:46I used to have that.
47:49You down here.
47:50Has the meeting happened already?
47:51I didn't go.
47:52I came here instead.
47:53Why?
47:54Well, you know.
47:55Don't let people down.
47:56But that's madness.
47:57It's Robert De Niro.
47:58I know.
47:59No, but that's madness.
48:01What do you mean it's madness?
48:01Because he's Robert De Niro.
48:02I know it is.
48:03Yeah, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, isn't it?
48:08Yes, I know.
48:14And it works.
48:15If you go now.
48:16Don't be stupid.
48:16Just get a taxi.
48:17It might not be too late.
48:18I do not believe this.
48:19It's Robert De Niro.
48:20I know who it is.
48:21Alright, well I'm going to feel guilty for the rest of my life.
48:22Well don't make me feel bad about making you feel guilty.
48:24I know, but what if your career goes down the pan?
48:26I wouldn't worry about it.
48:26How am I going to fail?
48:27My career is already down the pan.
48:28Now it's my turn to operate.
48:32He's dead.
48:45You're a man in the world.
48:46You're like this.
48:47Right, it's just an ordinary pen.
48:49So it seems.
48:50And with a picture of a lady on it.
48:51Just in a bathing costume.
48:52Just normal.
48:53Turn it upside down.
48:55Oh, what's happened there?
48:56UD lady.
48:58You're looking at me?
48:58I am now.
49:01Oh.
49:03It's good isn't it?
49:04Yeah.
49:05Where'd you get this?
49:05It's what my friend Barry gave it to me.
49:08Back on.
49:08Nothing suspicious.
49:10Turn it out the other way.
49:11Oh hang on.
49:12Hello.
49:13Can I have this?
49:14Do you want it?
49:15Take it.
49:19Do you want to go for a pint?
49:22Hurry up.
49:23You're in a bad mood.
49:24Not in a bad mood, but hurry up.
49:26Dead.
49:26Dead.
49:28Dead.
49:28Stop putting me off.
49:29If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead.
49:31Oh.
49:32Ah, it's Darren.
49:33What?
49:34Hello mate, what happened to you?
49:35I'm still here with Mr. Robert De Niro.
49:38You're with him now?
49:39Yeah, we're just cruising down to a club.
49:40Come down mate.
49:41Um.
49:42Can I bring Maggie?
49:44He wants to bring his friend.
49:44Is that alright?
49:45Who's that?
49:46Friend of his.
49:46A lady.
49:47The lady on the pen.
49:48I wish.
49:50Yeah, sure.
49:51All systems go mate.
49:52Hold on.
49:53What are you doing after this?
49:54Me?
49:55Nothing.
49:55Do you want to meet Robert De Niro?
49:58Nah.
49:58Really?
49:59I'm only joking, yeah.
50:00Okay.
50:01Alright then.
50:01We'll find somewhere.
50:02I'll text you the deets.
50:04Okay.
50:04See you later mate.
50:06See you there.
50:08Really?
50:08Amazing.
50:10Let's go.
50:10No.
50:11Yeah.
50:11What about the guy?
50:12We can't just leave him.
50:13We can.
50:13Just give him an extra couple of shots of morphine.
50:15He'll be out cold.
50:15No, I'm joking.
50:16Right?
50:17Who's go is it?
50:17You have a go.
50:18Okay.
50:19Okay.
50:25What would you rather do, right?
50:27Oh.
50:27No, listen.
50:28Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man in a cold and empty flat?
50:33Or, if we're not with anyone in about five years time, let's move in together?
50:39I know what you've tried to do there.
50:40You've tried to make the first option sound the worst.
50:42Why is it a cold flat?
50:43Because you're too fat to get off and put the heat on.
50:47Well, I've got five years to this eye, don't I?
50:49Why has it taken me so long to actually think of the answer?
50:50I want to keep my arms open.
50:51I don't want to.
50:52Come here.
50:55Hi.
50:56He doesn't want to see you, Robert.
50:58Yes, he does.
50:58He does, because I bought DVDs of my family.
51:00Come on.
51:00Everyone likes this.
51:01No, I don't.
51:02I prefer that itchiest stuff on BBC Two.
51:04What are you, a cr-