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00:02you're late and you look like shit i know both of those things already
00:07margaret thatcher used to survive on less than four hours sleep a night
00:11how is that possible monkey glands i mean she was mad i mean mad people have different and
00:16she lived above the shop of course so she didn't have to commute god i mean london is so big
00:22can't
00:22we can't we devolve some of it if i could get just one decent night's shut eye in the flat
00:28you do yourself a favor stay over in the flat i can't i promise to kate i mean do you
00:33actually
00:33get to see the children i don't have time for that all i do i work i eat i shower
00:39that's it
00:41occasionally i take a dump just as a sort of treat i mean that really is my treat that's what
00:48it's
00:48come to yeah i i sit there i i think no i'm not going to read the new statesman this
00:56time is just
00:56for me this is this is quality time just for me is that normal it's sad so at least i've
01:03made
01:03something morning morning morning state quite a lot to get through good yes um i have canceled
01:09that to press interview for bbc norfolk this afternoon well it was going to clash with the
01:13two minutes silence oh good call yeah if you're you know i'm not remembering the dead you're talking
01:18about benefit fraud in kings then you're going to look a bit of a bit yes ollie could you get
01:22me
01:22another cup of coffee do you remember i told you about waitrose when i was head of press yes do
01:26you remember that i mean it was two minutes sounds perfectly ordinary sunday and somebody said something
01:31on the tannoy about a spillage alert the tabloids were they were like rats up a drainpipe on monday
01:36can you just it's the times could you just have a quick look at that is it about me when
01:41you have
01:41a read of it first um i find this job quite exciting enough without having to inject artificial
01:46elements of suspense you're cock teasing terry just tell me what it is hello malcolm no no he hasn't
01:53yet no he is isn't he he's a prick he is a prick who's a prick am i a prick
01:57yeah rip the ball sack off
01:59yeah who's ball sack who's ball sack who's balls hello malcolm have you got simon hewitt's piece in
02:07front of you i haven't quite been through it oh yeah you go to the bit where he calls you
02:11out of your depth
02:13no at the moment he's calling me the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban indian
02:18restaurant that's not very good is it you know a second oh insipid yeah uninspiring
02:26christ that's bad look at that ooh disconnected to the point of autism we're going to get this tosser
02:33hugh don't you worry he'll be at the sport photoshopping the tits of holly oaks extras by the end of
02:39the
02:39month can i just hello no he's gone that's great malcolm's backing me yeah so how do we respond to
02:47this right we don't we don't exchange insults with bloody simon ass pipes titi twat honestly the best
02:54swearing that you can come up with this is a bucket of if someone throws at us we throw
02:58back at them we start a fight we throw so much back at them that they can't pick up
03:03shit they can't throw shit they can't do shit that's top swearing yeah well done watch and learn
03:09i think i think we're all agreed that the department needs to look a bit less autistic
03:14badly staffed so um we need to at this morning's policy review come up with some sort of new
03:21announcement that's a bit more connected a bit more funky funky look um i hope you're not going
03:27to just toss off some kind of policy just to get back at some journalist so um essentially this is
03:33just us again but in a bigger room isn't it and without terry yeah i've block booked 14 meeting
03:39rooms she'll never find us it's foolproof it's the only way to get any uninterrupted work done chris
03:43from health does it all the time okay all right then um i'll start us off there was a key
03:48worker
03:48policy i worked up a couple months ago quite like that yeah i need to find an angle a good
03:52angle
03:53youths you know people are afraid of youths i mean i know i am yeah are you taking the piss
03:59no i'm not
03:59just joshing no it sounds like you're taking the piss it's just good nature joshing there's nothing
04:04to worry about my hand is shut up i am being good night shut up for a minute please we've
04:08where else
04:09can we go the pollution the environment uh litter dog shit aiming high we aimed high now we're at dog
04:18shit so what you're looking for okay this is what we're doing i'm putting our boat through a number
04:22of cronies morning malcolm that hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks he did it as a favor to cliff
04:28all right hugh's predecessor he and hugh are as tight as arse cheeks i was saying that oh well
04:33fuck knows but that's what we're saying okay it's personal it's back slapping it's borderline homoerotic
04:39and you are the innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up okay right right i'm fixing you up with
04:44a
04:44me and my media piece with your ex angela haney but it is a perfect opportunity to show just how
04:50clued up you are actually hughie abbott the in touch guy you're on the ball you know the price
04:54of a pint of milk you love hbo imports vh1 pixar you dig the streets no no no they're all
04:59great
05:01you've got absolutely no idea what i'm talking about here yeah yeah i do who's the only gay in the
05:08village eddie grundy i don't know i mean no no no he's got children mind you a lot of them
05:15do these
05:15days that you know ben at the foreign office what's a chav um come on hugh you you must know
05:23chat what is a chav a chav you must have chav just saying chav isn't very helpful this is important
05:29stuff hugh right we do a weekly digest for the prime minister we boil down the week's television
05:34cinema music so on the zeitgeist tape exactly the zeitgeist it's easter enders highlights choice
05:39bits from all the reality shows 10 second music videos that kind of thing god that's why the pm
05:44always looked so clued up i always thought he was genuinely quite with it no no he's as bad as
05:48you
05:48he uses phrases like with it as well right i'm going to bike that over to terry watch it okay
05:53and
05:53listen when you talk to angela heaney remember to stick the boot into shoe it i'm putting it about
05:57that cliff off with him two three weeks at his tuscan villa for that piece okay
06:0110 forward audio hi hi hi hi this is serious you have got 24 hours to sort out your policy
06:08on east
06:08enders right are you for the halal butchers
06:18even he knows
06:24terry two main contenders for our policy decision right uh we change arts music policy funding
06:32basically right so that um we give most of the money to the bad kids give them intensive arts
06:37music tuition stop them turning into you know tomorrow's crims and offenders and perhaps you'd
06:42like to outline your well i'm for we punish the disruptive kids by cutting them out of extra music
06:47and arts tuition you know show them the carrot and the stick early on this the bad kids they get
06:51no money
06:51and ollie the same bad kids yep they get more money more money i mean they could both play couldn't
06:57they're fundamentally contradictory yes yes but so which one should we go with i mean why don't you
07:02go with both of them or neither of them or why don't you come up with another policy something else
07:05you're being quite flippant actually well it's not my it's not my role to have a preference i mean
07:10i sell the apples if you want me to sell the apples i'll sell the apples and if you want
07:13me to
07:13sell oranges then i'll go and tell people that the apples the apples are shit ollie they're
07:18shit i'll say go on check out our oranges do you have a preference which which do you prefer you
07:22apples or oranges apples apples apples okay thank you you if we are going to spend taxpayers money
07:32putting violent thugs into productions of the fucking cherry orchard we're going to get crucified
07:36and rightly so hang on a second terry which which was apples i mean was ollie apples or was glenn
07:40apples
07:41she's she's gone let's throw this to a focus group why don't we throw this to a focus group i
07:45can
07:46like a focus group yeah yeah yeah whatever yes so this is where you've been having your secret
07:54meetings is it yeah no no yeah well um i i cannot keep abreast of all this can you pricey
08:01some of it
08:01for me yeah yeah sure i'll take a pricey of the transcripts and pricey of the press packs could you
08:08pricey this for me the zeitgeist tape check this out check this out what this is a tape of this
08:13morning's
08:13focus group this is mary she is a focus group legend right mary mary she's called everything
08:19that she said in the last 12 months in every focus group she's been in has chimed exactly
08:22with the core vote and she loved my arts for hearts and minds policy did she now yes she did
08:27for hearts and minds arts for hearts and minds that's what we call it and she she said glenn that
08:32it chimed brilliantly with stay-at-home mums uh like her she and she's really core middle england
08:37isn't it you totally totally call me then if children are put in a position where they've got
08:42a bit of responsibility i think they'll rise to that challenge okay it's all about expression isn't it
08:47we can get her in for a sort of one-to-one yeah absolutely i can go crazy the focus
08:53group let's
08:54make it a bit more you know focused well everybody else basically agrees with what she says she's got
08:58everything very good way to work i like this this is you know just cut out all the extraneous stuff
09:02you
09:03know just the facts ma'am you know it's uh just the protein atkins government okay i'll get her in
09:09in fact here they are i'm going to say they're going to join us hello hello uh this is uh
09:15mary
09:15and uh hello glenn cullen oh and this is mary our our focus group star great to meet you showing
09:21you
09:21on the video i keep uh keep getting us back well you are one of the most sort of articulates
09:25of our
09:26focus groupies now that's that's yeah not groupie groupies with two e's yes very kind thanks
09:31um all right well listen uh just to to push on i was thinking that if i am you know
09:36representative
09:36of the of the public at large you know you're going to listen to what i say yeah you're every
09:40woman it's all in me yes yeah something like that it's a song here yeah right so mary uh the
09:49policy
09:50that we were talking about last time thank you thanks for that yeah yeah and what we were wondering
09:55i was thinking about it afterwards actually really stayed with me and you know if those extra classes you
10:01know the the drama and the music and the art classes if they have them after school yeah
10:04then actually it it saves the potentially naughty children from missing out on the core curriculum
10:09the core curriculum is really important that's a very good idea and uh and also it would be
10:13i think a really welcome breathing space for um for some of the single parents like me yes excellent
10:18oh i thought well i just had a name for it i thought you could call it uh uh play
10:22for tomorrow
10:23play for tomorrow yeah yeah yeah excellent thank you so much for coming in and good good luck with the
10:28single mother thing yeah i'll see you in a bit glenn and you're against it it'll die on its ass
10:36my
10:36grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo what are you going to do about
10:40it teach him to play the bassoon it is as my dear old mother would have said double wank and
10:44shit chips where do you think it's got legs here several how did it play with the focus groups she
10:50loves
10:50it sorry they love it they absolutely love it now you've got 94 percent approved stroke strongly
10:56approved ratings it's enormous why did you say she i don't know gold boat sheep 94 it's all there
11:02black and white well it's difficult to argue with that glenn whatever your phone mouth mother might
11:06have said yes i can feel a stiffy in the post well my gut still say no yeah well substantial
11:11as they
11:11are they've been outvoted i'm going to talk to tom about green lightness thank you so that's a go terry
11:16yeah just um put the smell out see if anybody gags on it just just float it okay uh problem
11:24can we
11:26please try and stop making policy on the hoof we've been on the hoof and we've been we have been
11:32too
11:32hoofy have we well if there could just be some sitting down involved yeah just you know sitting down
11:40that that's what i'm saying got the chairs we should we should probably use them i think so
11:45okay that was that was it that's that's the problem no more that was anything good point
11:50thanks for bringing it up yeah and i'll go and float okay face up if you like yeah see you
11:55terry um
11:57malcolm i know you were very keen on on terry's appointment but she should well i wouldn't go that
12:01far she's a box ticker here she can't think outside the box no in fact she's built a box inside
12:07the
12:07actual box and she's doing her thinking inside inside that box exactly i like sorry i'm so tired
12:13so much stuff to read and think about i don't you seem to get through it all right don't you
12:18oh
12:19i find the time you know somewhere do you get lonely no no neither do i so did you watch
12:29the zeitgeist
12:29time yeah some of it yeah so do you know your eastenders then you know your little mo from your
12:33big
12:34mode boom boom boom boom boom what i haven't watched it now what the are you playing at you
12:39are you playing at being a minister or are you actually a real life minister i'm a real life
12:44minister i've never seen headlines like it in what way it's all gone to shite oh the papers didn't
12:50like the policy they hate it they loathe it are you getting all this you yes you're very clear
12:56do they all hate it the times especially the times wait a second the first editions haven't even gone
13:02to bed yet how do you know because i'm connected i'm plugged into the matrix i am the fucking matrix
13:09sorry have you not watched that tape yet i'm taking it home now and i'm gonna watch it there we
13:14we've just bought a new video player off the back of alicia's obsession with the pingu okay i want you
13:18all to pay attention i've heard of pingu this arts policy is dead okay as of now get a press
13:24release
13:24together and bang it in the oven fuck off the lawyer and hugh what's that tape sorry i was in
13:30the blackboard tower can you repeat all that anyway these focus groups are absolutely useless oh it's
13:36useless to ask people what they think is it it's useless to ask people their opinions before we
13:39formulate a policy it's useless but there's no point in asking people what they think they either
13:43don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens
13:47or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think and that's just common
13:50sense yeah oh yeah i'm jeff average and i think the same as everybody else because i'm mr average
13:55normal bloke and everybody thinks like me because i work in it and on the weekends i pop a few
13:59pills
13:59and i do a bit of deejaying you know spare cash because i'm a single mum and i'm a member
14:02of the
14:03national trust i enjoy any sports on tv anything with colin firth i enjoy domestic violence and sundry
14:07fucking karaoke not everybody is the same glenn people can surprise you
14:14was that good nature joshing
14:20sucker malcolm uh hope i didn't wake you up hewitt yeah i'm doing a piece this sunday big piece on
14:28focus groups it's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster i'm going to be concentrating on
14:34how your man abbott can't do a single thing without focus groups i'm shaking with fear yeah well that's
14:40sexual jealousy you're so very very witty pity none of it ever makes it into your columns listen
14:45i'd love to let's spend the rest of the evening listening to you but i i got better things to
14:49do
14:49fuck off back to your match reports you twat
14:55hello hewitt it's it's terry i'm sorry i've woke you up i wasn't asleep i only just got dropped off
15:01and
15:02i have to be picked up again in about three hours i didn't think it was worth taking my trousers
15:04off
15:05listen listen i i've just heard that simon hewitt's doing another another piece on you about
15:09about how you rely on focus groups oh but um i'll be straight onto it in the morning so don't
15:16lose
15:16any sleep over it you're taking the piss um no i've got to go i'm sorry i've got an egg
15:22on i'll see you in
15:23morning yeah snuggle up bye bye right here
15:29bitch how fucked am i really look awful you look terrible i mean you're quite often
15:34not bad i mean in terms of negative publicity oh on the fuckometer where am i oh 12 yeah 12
15:42say
15:42out of what uh 50. oh mine was out of 10. right so i'm 24 percent
15:51according to you but according to you i'm 120 percent fucked um yeah i mean terry have you got
15:56anything for us well i can't ask them to drop the piece it would make us look pathetic terry i
16:00don't mean to come across all mr gradgrine but this is your job isn't it sorting out the press
16:04this is what you do for a living this is malcolm's problem anyway he's the one who took it over
16:07it's him that spun that all right listen up this is what we're going to do i'm bringing forward
16:11hugh's interview with angela he needed this afternoon morning malcolm it goes out as a spoiler
16:15tomorrow morning that way we can get our side of the story across and also pestle over samuel
16:20hewitt's cornflakes sadly only metaphorically yeah right okay ollie colinny terry get onto our editor
16:26glenn book a room fully doyle you're on the back at times of stress i make jokes right um what
16:35do i do
16:36sit down in front of the tv with me you're going to watch that zeitgeist tape now right
16:45you don't seem to be able to understand yeah yeah i know people watch it let's get six million
16:54oh she's an actress mary from the focus group she's an actress oh relax that doesn't matter
17:03these focus groups they do it all the time a bit shorter numbers the bung in a couple of actors
17:07it
17:08doesn't matter because it's a focus group keyword group
17:14oh i've just remembered um can you just uh if you could pause it for a second i'll be
17:21i'm sorry i'll just be back in a sec
17:25what i've got a bit of a problem do you remember mary from the focus group what miss uh immaculate
17:31bloody conception she's an actress what do you mean well i mean there's no clearer way of saying it
17:39she's an actress are you sure i've just seen her she's in the bill oh jesus look this doesn't
17:46necessarily have to be a total disaster i think it does because it means she wasn't for real she's
17:50not really a stay-at-home middle england housewife she's she's just playing a part so so what she said
17:56wasn't you know yes yeah i do know what who said what wasn't what we're organizing focus groups to
18:01listen to the opinions of ordinary people except they're not ordinary people they're
18:05actors so they're not technically people at all can i get back to you your fucking legend is a
18:10fucking actress well because the focus group companies do it all the time they can't cobble
18:15together you know the right cross-section they call the casting agents dial and opinion is it
18:19send me three liberals two fucking mavericks and a racist brilliant brilliant it's based the whole
18:25thing on her just her her alone don't you see what if you didn't run in past me for what
18:54you said she yes come out of the cupboard here
18:59no here we have to sort this out
19:08when i asked you about the focus group yeah you said she loved her
19:15we go for a one-on-one
19:18why
19:22she's middle england
19:25so middle england is a big fucking field with one woman standing in it do you think hewitt will
19:31find out of course he fucking will she's his mole that's why he's got a piece in the paper tomorrow
19:38we've got to shut this down now right i want this leaked to angela heaney it's damage control okay we
19:45put
19:45out the story the way we want it before hewitt fucks us up the bugle get on to it now
19:49it was
19:50ollie's um i'm sorry tonight but it was ollie's idea i went with it the agency lied to us you
19:57the
19:57agency lied to me for going with it we should get her in get on to get on to her
20:02edit i'm on to it
20:03welcome talk to angela right set her up get her to do this right okay hello can i speak to
20:07angela
20:07heaney please please i just suggested if we take the line could you tell me that she's an actress
20:14no exactly we we've been lied to we've been abused we are the victims of abuse no
20:19call her yes i'll call her how could i know you are a broken vase what are you talking about
20:25how do i know she's an actress i never watch television that's why you have to give me a
20:28stupid tape listen we're going to get her in we're going to talk to her she'll meet us well
20:33well i'll talk to her because i'm good with people that she can help us she'll see our point of
20:38view
20:38we'll be fine well i hope so i hope that's what's going to happen or we kill her we will
20:44can you try and make him look presentable what is he looking dirty call his hair change his tie
20:49change his shirt it's no it's fine don't worry about it you're looking evening television
20:53i want you to look afternoon chat with the daily mail come on what are you hoping you're wearing
20:56a hawaiian shirt can we see if we can find one in your drawer no she can't have a car
21:00all right
21:01well um just don't don't mother me okay it's i'm not so much mothering just just wanting to help
21:08when are we getting her mary and can we get her in yes tonight won't that look a bit odd
21:13does anyone
21:13have a number for her won't that look a bit well i've got a number for the agency yeah yeah
21:17it's all right
21:27uh uh may you know hugh you've met glenn before yeah this is martin tucker yeah director of
21:34communications oh we can take a seat mary so listen we are so grateful for you coming in at this
21:41ungodly hour is there a problem there's a problem you're flapping your trap the issue is you the issue
21:47of your of you being an actress right i uh i should prefer actor i'm sorry sorry essentially you know
21:57what you told us you know that was that was fundamentally honest it was the truth it was
22:02honestly you know genuinely what you thought wasn't it genuinely your thoughts well yeah i haven't i mean
22:07i haven't got two children but apart from that it was essentially most yes of course you invented the
22:11to protect you i yeah you made up small children i know small children that's sick i know jesus christ
22:19i was just being representative you invented children that don't small children that don't
22:24exist i was giving you and and so eventually you lose track of what you're saying and the lies
22:29compound themselves and you end up all over the place like a crazy woman's shit and that's the
22:33problem that we're now trying to to deal with what we've done is we've given the story we've given
22:37this story to a tame journalist one who's more you know likely to be sympathetic it's just when i
22:42think about what is going to happen tomorrow you are going to find the press all over you in in
22:48a
22:48good way no not a good way you know that film rotting hell have you seen that probably in it
22:53you know that bit where the guy opens the door and there's like there's like millions of journalists
22:56and hacks and photographers and all flash bobs are going off before us time that's going to be you
23:01they're going to be all over you like cockroaches it's okay it's okay no no no no no it's it's
23:09not
23:09okay it's not going to be okay and i'll tell you why because you're a fair game so i hope
23:14your knickers
23:14are clean because every seat sniffing little shit bag that's ever filed a byline it's going to be
23:19questioning you because now it's in the public interest isn't it and they're going to hit you
23:25with any shit they can find and you're going to be spread out there in front of them like a
23:29troll up in
23:29the stocks what we've done i still don't really understand what's going on we can hold those
23:36dogs back right what do you mean we can get you a nice journalist yeah yes we can get you
23:41to a nice
23:41young journalist and maybe you maybe you i mean i don't know what that he made you sign but whatever
23:49it was it was bullshit maybe if you just say that you know uh you were misquoted uh and also
23:54simon hewitt's a prick right if you just said that yeah you're the journalist that you
23:58you took your story i didn't i didn't talk to any journalist you spoke to simon hewitt
24:04you fucking spoke to simon hewitt he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a book
24:09he's
24:10i don't know anyone called simon whatever the fuck hewitt hewitt yeah
24:25she doesn't even know welcome
24:29fuck's sake what's the matter with him i'm really sorry for anything i said that might have upset
24:32you know sorry darling sorry sorry that's just been across lines darling yeah what about that
24:36i'll be here you leave me alone jesus whatever need well for fuck's sake she didn't even know
24:45fucking that didn't really work did it is it too late can i just get this this straight just for
24:50my
24:50for my own sanity listen if we get on the phone can we pull the front page no you mean
24:55he needs he
24:56needs peace is going to go ahead anyway now of course it's going to go ahead i mean i'm good
25:00but
25:00i can't hold back the tide can i all right that's it that's that that's it i'm going to bed
25:05kind of
25:06ironic you're fucking on your own because she she hasn't actually spoken to to to hewitt uh and and we've
25:14of our own volition voluntarily released the story to the to the press unnecessarily um
25:24damn it was that evil scottish guy he was just uh he's the director of communications
25:27master they were trying to tell me what to say to the papers he was ordering me no no no
25:30no no he
25:31wasn't ordering because that's got a big story in itself isn't it bringing me here in the middle
25:34of the night dragging me out of bed and then telling me what to say that i think some papers
25:36might
25:36be interested in that i know look look this department's got a lot of initiatives coming
25:40out right right has it really yeah has it really yeah yeah and we're going to need like you know
25:44the face of urban renewal for so we're going to have a whole campaign's going to be stationed
25:50face probably won't film yeah we've got all that you are trying to bribe me with a stationary photo
25:57shoot uh no um no this is happening no not bribe no i mean i'm not that was just small
26:03talk you
26:03understand that was small talk right i was just chatting small chat can you wait me in a couple of
26:09hours there's no time to go home i'll just i'll pass myself coming back in i'll ring katherine and say
26:17you won't be home hi how'd you get on happiness go away terry clear up a few biscuits whilst i'm
26:30at it
26:31kate um just leaving a message for you i know you're asleep by now uh from hugh love to the
26:37kids
26:38see alicia in the morning and um big kiss and uh sorry about the bedtime story uh lots of love
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