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00:04You may wonder what I am doing in a field in the middle of the night dressed as Air Marshal
00:08Goering. There is, as usual, a very simple explanation. Edith and I had to dress as Hitler
00:15and Goering on the orders of General von Klinkerofen to act as decoys to help him catch the local
00:20communist resistance. Unfortunately, his plan went wrong and we are now in the hands of General
00:26von Carzebrot, who names the neighbouring garrison and who is, it turns out, one of the rebel
00:34generals who is plotting to assassinate Hitler. Due to the bad light, he thinks that we are
00:40the real Hitler and Goering and has just taken Edith over there to be shot. All I can do now
00:48is pray that if she has one last wish, it is that her old friend, Herman Goering, does not
00:54us to suffer the same fate. I will not stand by and see Germany destroyed by you and your
01:00insane war. For the good of the fatherland, you must be shot. You are making a big mistake,
01:06General. My name is Edith. Well, don't try to argue. I, General von Carzebrot, hereby sentence
01:13you, Edith, Shikaruba, to be shot.
01:18Finally, squad, take aim. Hitler, come back.
01:35Well done, Shikaruba. Church will give us all medals for this.
01:39My name, what is happening? They are British soldiers, I think.
01:43Oh, thank goodness. We are saved. I am Captain Frobisher of Five Commander and you are my prisoners.
01:49You waited a long time for this moment, you Nazi swine.
01:54What is he saying, Renny? How should I know? I do not speak a word of their language.
01:59I am going to enjoy seeing you put on trial and then shot. You monsters.
02:05Oh, thank you.
02:08They obviously realize we are important, Renny. These uniforms have saved our lives.
02:15I am not so sure, Edith.
02:18I never thought we'd pull it off, sir, snatching these two like that.
02:21Our intelligence was spot on. Damn fine show. Where'd like Clothwell?
02:25Just in time, too. They were about to shoot the blighters.
02:28Rum-looking pair, aren't they? Hitler's even uglier in the flesh than he is in the propaganda films.
02:33Göring's grown a mustache, I see.
02:35Doesn't improve him. Even a beard could cover up an ugly mug like that.
02:39Renny, what are we going to do? We have got to let them know we are not really Hitler and
02:44Göring.
02:45How? I cannot speak any of the language.
02:48Perhaps one of them speaks French. I will try.
02:53Excuse me. We are not really Hitler and Göring, you know.
02:57What's he talking about, Pilkers? Do you understand German?
03:00It sounded more like French, sir. I speak a few words.
03:04Say what did you?
03:07Renny, one of them speaks French. Sort of.
03:11I am just a simple peasant woman.
03:15Hitler says he's a woman, sir.
03:17The rumors about the operation were true.
03:19This is my husband.
03:22Good Lord, he's married to Göring.
03:24If you're under there losing the wall, better not tie those hands.
03:30Oh, they did not seem to understand, Renny.
03:33I will prove to you I am a woman.
03:36She's going to prove she's a woman. Men, look the other way.
03:41See? It is a forest mustache.
03:44No, no, no.
03:45We are just peasants who run the local cafe in the nearby town.
03:49Actually, sir, he does look a bit like a woman.
03:52The other one doesn't look that much like Göring.
03:55I think there's been an almighty cock up, Pilkers.
03:58We haven't snatched Hitler and Göring after all.
04:00I wonder what they are saying now.
04:02I picked up a few words of English when the British airmen were with us.
04:05I think they are going to give us a lift back down the road.
04:08Right. Thank you. Thank you.
04:22So much for your few words of English.
04:25Are you at?
04:27Unfortunately, I landed on top of you.
04:30We have to walk back to Nuvion now.
04:33Dressed like this? Are you mad?
04:36Some peasant could take a pot shot at us.
04:38What we need is different clothes.
04:41I have an idea, René.
04:43Hmm?
04:43Follow me.
04:45What?
04:47I thought I'd all drunk out.
04:49It is I, Leclerc.
04:51Something terrible has happened.
04:53Where are René and Madame Edis?
04:55Give me a drink.
04:55They were taken prisoner by the general in the next district
04:58who thought they were the real Hitler and Göring.
05:00He is a rebel who wants Hitler overthrown.
05:03He sent me away in the car while he took René and Madame Edith
05:06into a field to be shot.
05:08Oh! Oh, my God!
05:10Oh!
05:13They are probably both dead by now.
05:15Oh!
05:16I will say a prayer.
05:18Oh, Lord, watch over my daughter Edith
05:21who has so tragically been taken from me.
05:26Amen.
05:27And if you are still listening down there,
05:29keep an eye on Sir Brot and I spend a bit.
05:34Now, I wonder if they have left a will.
05:37Oh!
05:38How could you even think of such a thing at a time like this?
05:42Although Madame Edith did always say
05:43I could have the silver cutlery
05:45and the choice of her wardrobe.
05:47And the jewellery was promised to me.
05:49You will have nothing.
05:50I am a sole relative and the coffee is mine in any case.
05:56It is all mine.
05:57Ours?
05:58No!
06:00You get the money out of the tea.
06:04We will leave for Paris tonight
06:07and have a final flame.
06:10Then throw these old useless bodies into the Seine.
06:15Could you not just throw yours in?
06:18Apart from which the last train to Paris has already left.
06:21Oh, where is your get up and go?
06:23It has got up and gone.
06:26We can use the old ice cream van from round the back.
06:30There is no petrol in it.
06:32We will use alcohol.
06:35You girls, you go down to the cell
06:37and bring up five cases of mess-related spirit.
06:41That is a lot of mess just to get to Paris.
06:43Whatever is left over, we can drink.
06:49Was it not a good idea of mine
06:51to take these clothes off the scarecrows, Rennie?
06:54It is very uncomfortable.
06:55It is strong.
06:57It is everywhere.
07:01What is it, Rennie?
07:03There is a field mouse down my trousers.
07:11Look, Rennie.
07:13Something is coming down the road.
07:16Maybe we can persuade them to give us a lift back into town.
07:25It was my old ice cream van.
07:28With Mama and Monsieur Leclerc.
07:30What are they doing?
07:32They will never sell any ice cream going at that speed.
07:38Now, Rennie and Madame Edith are gone,
07:40we will have to run the café ourselves.
07:42I will look after the bar where you serve the customers.
07:44Oh!
07:46Who are you to give me orders?
07:48I will look after the bar, not you.
07:50Why don't we step outside and settle this woman to woman?
07:53That's fine by me.
07:56Safe by the bell.
07:57Good morning.
08:02We have hit the bod nose about Ronnie and Madame Edith.
08:06This is a terrible tragedy.
08:08Pour me a drink.
08:08I live a double brandy.
08:10My dicky ticker is almost broken.
08:13Ah, dear Madame Edith.
08:15She was a fine woman.
08:17The best.
08:18Now I will bury them both at a very reasonable rate.
08:25Now they are gone, I am taking over this bar.
08:27We will run it for the benefit of France, my brave girls and me.
08:31But we will start with me.
08:35Where is the money?
08:36Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc took it.
08:38They have gone to Paris.
08:39For a final fling.
08:40Never mind, we will soon fill it up again.
08:43Officer Crabtree, you will take over the bar.
08:45Splendid.
08:47I have always wanted to wick behind the bar.
08:50Pilling punts and chitting to the customers.
08:53So first, we must increase the takings.
08:55How much is a bottle of wine?
08:57200 francs.
08:58Then we will double it immediately to 400.
09:01But nobody will pay 400 francs for a bottle of wine.
09:04Especially the plump they serve here.
09:07We will see about that.
09:09This café is now being run by us.
09:12As of here, anyone who wants a bottle of wine at 400 francs.
09:23It never fails.
09:27Oh, look.
09:28There is a parcel, Gerber.
09:31Ah.
09:32And a letter marked private and confidential.
09:36It's for you.
09:37I wonder who it's from.
09:41It is from Juan Garcia.
09:43Our disguises are in this box.
09:46He'll meet us at the crossroads at 10 o'clock tomorrow night.
09:50So much for private and confidential.
09:54Good evening, Colonel.
09:56Lieutenant Gruber.
09:57We have just learned that Juan Garcia is coming here tomorrow night.
10:00We will need the missing booby you cut from the painting of the fallen Madonna so we can sell it
10:04in Spain.
10:04There is an easier way.
10:07I've just had dinner with Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
10:09How could you, Helga?
10:11He is such a horrible, slimy little worm.
10:14We had a large dogfish with a very interesting stuffing.
10:19My God, Helga.
10:20You don't mean the dogfish containing our 10 million francs?
10:23The very same.
10:24Bought at the fishmongers.
10:25Herr Flick is willing to do a swap.
10:27He will give us the 10 million francs if we give him the painting of the fallen Madonna.
10:32Never!
10:33Paintings worth much more than that.
10:35Colonel, I think Helga might have a point.
10:38We would be much better off with the cash.
10:42Hmm.
10:43Oh, very well.
10:44Helga, tell Herr Flick we will see him tomorrow night in the Café René in the back room at 9
10:49.30.
10:50We will do the exchange and then we'll go straight to the crossroads to meet Juan Garcia.
10:54As you wish, Colonel.
10:56Where is the missing booby?
10:58I carry it with me always.
11:00I will produce it for you.
11:04How do I know I can trust you, Colonel?
11:07Helga, I'm an officer of the German army.
11:10That is what I mean.
11:12Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
11:15It is cabaret time at Café René.
11:18I give you the singing policeman and Michel of the Resistance.
11:24Forget I said that.
11:27I will now tickle the ivories.
11:33Listen very carefully.
11:35We shall sing this only once.
11:38Shine on, shine on, harvest moon.
11:43Up in the school.
11:46We ain't had no loving since January, February, June.
11:52And you lose.
11:54Showtime ain't no time to stay outside and spoon.
11:59So shine on, shine on, harvest moon.
12:04For me and my ghoul.
12:13Madame Edis, can it be true, you are alive?
12:16As we are here, it appears that is so, yes.
12:20What a relief.
12:21We thought you were dead.
12:23Shot by a furring squid.
12:27We escaped by the skin of our teeth.
12:30Who has ridden under new management on this menu?
12:33And what are you doing singing in our café?
12:35That is my role.
12:37You will drive all the way our customers singing off key like that.
12:41Well, I am sure they are used to it.
12:44I mean, apart from which, we were merely continuing your business.
12:46We did not think you were coming big.
12:49So, this is what happens when I am away for a moment.
12:52Get that apron off and get out of here, the lot of you.
12:54We were only trained to help.
12:56Don't get your knockers in a twos.
12:59It is gone midnight.
13:00You will lose me my license.
13:02Mimi, Yvette, get everybody out of here.
13:04Now, quick.
13:04Oh, Madame Edis.
13:07I was grief-stricken at the thought of your death.
13:11My dicky-ticker soars at the sight of you.
13:14Oh, thank you, Monsieur Alphonse.
13:15I know how much you care about me.
13:17Oh, yes.
13:18And I had chosen a beautiful coffin for you as well.
13:23Well, I will keep it for another day, eh?
13:27This is not much for an evening's takings.
13:29Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc took the rest.
13:31Huh?
13:32They have gone to Paris for a binge before they jump in the seine.
13:35Oh, my God.
13:36So, that is where my ice cream van was going?
13:38Oh, this is typical of Mama.
13:40She never wanted to go out quietly.
13:41She never did anything quietly.
13:44Those takings should go to the resistance.
13:46We are disparately sure to kish.
13:49That is not my fault.
13:51Well, you were partly to blame for the dogfish bungle,
13:53which lost us the ten million francs from the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
13:56Then why not ask them for more?
13:58We have decided to show them we mean business.
14:00We have sent the incriminated photograph, which implicates them in the theft of the fallen Madonna,
14:04to General von Klinkrofen, who will no doubt have them shot.
14:07In the meantime, I shall take this for singing tonight.
14:10I never get paid for singing.
14:12Well, you should be paid for not singing.
14:15And I will have some, too.
14:17After all, I play the piano.
14:19What about Moo?
14:20Don't I get any watches?
14:23Here.
14:23Here.
14:26If you knew the sagoon, I'm through on Mondays and Saturdays.
14:32Get out.
14:34Oh, there's gratitude for you.
14:41What a night.
14:42I am exhausted.
14:44Let us go out to bed.
14:45I am not that exhausted.
14:48I understand the weather in Spain is...
14:50Did you order a window cleaner?
14:53No.
14:54A ladder has just come into view.
14:58Rene!
15:00Pardon me for this unexpected appearance on your balcony, Lieutenant.
15:03Rene!
15:04What a lovely surprise!
15:07But I must tell you that I am not alone at the moment.
15:12No, no, no.
15:13I want to speak with both of you to give you a warning.
15:16What about?
15:17The resistance people, who I do not know,
15:20have sent the incriminating photograph of the Lieutenant
15:22to General von Klinkrofen.
15:25What?
15:26He will get it sometime this morning.
15:28My God! What are we going to do?
15:29The General will come here and arrest us for stealing the fall of Madonna from him.
15:33Rene, you will have to hide us in your cafe.
15:35Oh, no, Colonel. I'm sorry. That is out of the question.
15:37Just till tonight, Rene.
15:39We have some business with Herr Flick in your back room
15:41and then we are heading for Spain with Juan Garcia and his Flamenco troupe.
15:44I cannot do it.
15:46The resistance would shoot me if I gave you shelter.
15:48And I will shoot you if you don't.
15:51I will see you later.
15:56We are to meet the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber in the back room of the Café Rene at 9.30
16:01this evening, von Smallhausen.
16:02Yes, Herr Flick.
16:04It is past my usual bedtime, but I hope you will let me stay up at least for this once.
16:10Sir, we will exchange the ten million francs we found inside the dogfish for the painting of the fallen Madonna.
16:16It will be a bargain at the price, Herr Flick.
16:19Especially as I do not intend to hand over the whole ten million.
16:22What do you mean?
16:24I have devised a cunning plan.
16:27We will show them a small amount of real money,
16:29but most of the cash will be paper cut up to look like thousand-franc notes.
16:34Oh, that is a masterly plan, Herr Flick.
16:37Aren't they always?
16:39Now, I have here on the desk a number of magazines.
16:43You will cut them up with a knife to the exact size of this note I have pasted to this
16:49block of wood.
16:49I will do it at once, Herr Flick.
16:51Stop!
16:52First, I must give you a warning.
16:54These magazines are old copies of the Hitler Youth Unadorned Aryan Maiden Quarterly.
17:01You are forbidden to look at them.
17:03How will I cut them up?
17:06You will wear this paper bag on your head and do it by touch.
17:13You may begin.
17:17And no vigily edges.
17:19We are not making doilies.
17:27How long do we have to hide, Gruber?
17:30I am getting crap in here.
17:32Patience, Colonel. It is only a few hours more.
17:35It is all right for you. You are in bed.
17:38It is so ignominious for a man of my rank to be hiding under a chamber pot.
17:44And where is the food that Madame Edith promised us?
17:47I will try to attract someone's attention, Colonel.
17:52It is! It is! Will no one hears the cries of a poor old woman?
18:02It is! It is!
18:04It is coming, Mama!
18:05Oh, I mean, Lieutenant.
18:07I have brought you both some soup.
18:11How am I expected to drink soup in this cabinet?
18:15Ah, I have come prepared.
18:18Will you suck through this?
18:20But don't suck too hard or you will get indigestion.
18:27Madame Edith, General von Klinkhofen is here.
18:31He is searching the cafe for the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
18:34In fact, I know his foot on the stairs now.
18:37Oh, my God! Do not give us away!
18:39Oh, you are safe, Lieutenant.
18:41The General does not know Mama very well.
18:43And if you act like her, he will be fooled by your disguise.
18:50Soup's gone down the wrong way.
18:52Quickly, Colonel. Get back under the chamber pot.
18:55General von Klinkhofen!
18:58I assure you, General, there is only my old mother-in-law up here.
19:01I intend to search every building in the town until I find them.
19:04I have information. They have stolen a very valuable painting for my quarters.
19:09Search under the bed as is that cupboard.
19:10Yes, General.
19:13That mother-in-law doesn't look very old to me.
19:15Oh, she is very well preserved for age.
19:18It is remarkable teeth and very few wrinkles.
19:20It is a simple country life she has led, plenty of fruit and vegetables.
19:27What is that?
19:28That my mother suffers terribly from indigestion, it gives her hiccups.
19:32It is?
19:33Who is the fat kraut with the piggy eyes?
19:39Get him out of here!
19:41I spit on him and all the Germans!
19:49Shout out, you silly old bat!
19:51I am very sorry, General. She is going a little bit gaga.
19:55Anything! No, General!
19:56If the Colonel or Lieutenant Gruber come anywhere near your cafe, inform me at once!
20:00Of course, General!
20:03Give your lady a glass of water!
20:06Are you alright, Lieutenant?
20:08Oh, I think I have just aged a great number of years!
20:11And the Colonel?
20:14Has he gone?
20:17I've got the hiccups, I can't get rid of them!
20:20A sudden shock would do the trick!
20:22Look out! The General is coming back!
20:26It's done the trick!
20:28I thought it would!
20:36Ah! Good evening, Airflick, and welcome!
20:39Good evening! Where is Rene?
20:41I will get him for you. Here, help yourself to a drink.
20:48The future looks very rosy for you if you stay with us, Helga.
20:52After tonight, we will have both the painting of the fallen Madonna
20:55and most of the ten million francs.
20:57But you are giving the ten million francs to the colonel and Lieutenant Gruber!
21:00They are mostly cut-up magazines, not real money!
21:04How devious you are, Airflick!
21:06I'm so glad I'm on your side!
21:10Ah! Good evening, Airflick!
21:12Good evening, peasant!
21:14Are you expected in your back room?
21:16Of course!
21:17The Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber are already there, in disguise, ready for their escape.
21:21Just wait one moment.
21:29I am afraid this is goodbye forever.
21:32Then let us say farewell.
21:34Perhaps the French way?
21:37What?
21:38Don't they hug and kiss on the cheek?
21:41I...
21:42I...
21:42They are presenting medals or in a dire emergency.
21:50Ah...
21:51One moment.
21:52This way, please.
21:54Here we go.
21:58I will ensure that you are not, uh, disturbed.
22:04Good evening.
22:05Let's get straight to business.
22:07Did you bring the ten million francs?
22:08It is in this attache case.
22:10Have you bought the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Klomp?
22:14I have it here.
22:15Then let us complete the transaction.
22:18We want to see the money first.
22:20Van Smallhausen, open the case.
22:26Seems in order.
22:27Now the painting.
22:28We wrapped it in newspaper to protect it.
22:32There is one of the boobies.
22:36No touching, Van Smallhausen?
22:38I was just checking its authenticity, Herr Flick.
22:41Helga, you know more about boobies than anyone else.
22:44Is that the real thing?
22:47Yes, Herr Flick, that is definitely a Van Klomp booby.
22:51We wish to see more of the painting.
22:53We wish to see more of the money.
22:54We have seen enough of the painting.
22:56We have seen enough of the money.
23:05We will leave by the window, Gruber.
23:09Goodbye, Helga.
23:11Perhaps we shall meet when the war is over.
23:14Goodbye, Colonel.
23:15Lieutenant.
23:16Goodbye, Helga.
23:24And good riddance.
23:26Pour us some wine, Van Smallhausen.
23:27We will celebrate the double cross of the century.
23:31Those idiots were completely fooled by my cunning deception.
23:35Herr Flick, you are so irresistibly attractive when you're being underhand and dishonest.
23:40May I kiss you?
23:42Let us look at the painting first.
23:46No, it's not painting.
23:48Just a booby.
23:50We have been diddled.
23:53Flick, after them.
24:02Oh, Renée, I do not know what has happened to Dr Lecomte.
24:05He is very late.
24:07And we need those extra ration books before we can elope.
24:10Well, perhaps we should wait until another night.
24:12You're not trying to get out of it, are you?
24:14If you are, I will announce now that you are the father of my child.
24:17No, no, no. We will elope.
24:19We will meet you down here at midnight and we will get the milk truck to Paris.
24:23Oh, thank goodness. Here is the doctor now.
24:26I am sorry I am late. I had an emergency to attend to.
24:29Have you brought my extra ration books?
24:31I have some good news for you, my dear.
24:34You are not with child after all.
24:36What?
24:37There has been a terrible mistake.
24:39The frogs, which we use for the pregnancy test, got mixed out.
24:45They leapt into each other's jars.
24:47They just discovered the error.
24:49Oh, it is not you who is with child.
24:52It is Madame Lina, the dressmaker.
24:59I thought you would be pleased.
25:01It is probably the shock, doctor.
25:04If she is so upset, she could always try again.
25:08I wish the thought.
25:11Oh, well. Good night.
25:13Good night, doctor.
25:15Oh, dear.
25:17Imagine that. Madame Lina pregnant.
25:20And her husband died a year ago.
25:23I wonder who the father is.
25:25Do not start that again, Edith.
25:28It is good news.
25:30Oh, this has been hanging over us for far too long.
25:32And now it is over. It is time to rejoice.
25:35Yes, you can say that again, Edith.
25:37Yes.
25:38Yvette has avoided the shame.
25:40And you and I are still in one piece after last night.
25:43The German Commandant and the Lieutenant have gone
25:46and soon the war will be over.
25:48Suddenly everything is perfect.
25:50I will sing a song to celebrate.
25:56Perhaps not as perfect as it could be.
26:01Shine on, shine on, always be in love.
26:09I ain't had no love in this January.