- 2 days ago
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00:01I should be tucked up in a nice warm bed in my cafe, counting sheep.
00:05Instead, I am standing here disguised as a mushroom picker,
00:09counting cows going through this gate.
00:13I will tell you a secret.
00:15Not all of these cows are cows.
00:18One of them contains two escaping British airmen.
00:23Can you detect which one?
00:32Hold on a minute. You're off my watch.
00:42Now that was not very difficult, was it?
00:46We must hurry. The plane will be here in four minutes.
00:49We must get across the road behind the kerbs.
00:58I hope there aren't any bulls about.
01:01I shouldn't worry. The other cows have much more interesting backsides than yours.
01:08Oh, it is a German patrol.
01:10What? Get down. I am behind the edge.
01:20Have your guns at the ready.
01:28What are you doing?
01:30I am a simple milky maid, taking these cows to the meadow, where they will eat the grass.
01:37The green grass will make the milk. The milk will make the butter.
01:41And the butter we will spread on the bread of the victorious German sojourn.
01:48We are about to die and he starts a lecture on farming.
01:51We are in need of some milk.
01:53Kurt, lend me your helmet.
01:55I will obtain some from these cows.
01:57But they have already been milked.
01:59We need just a few squirts for our coffee.
02:04Oh, my God.
02:07This appears to be a quiet one.
02:10If they find out it is a washing-up glove hanging down there, we have had it.
02:19Unfortunately, it seems to have very small titties.
02:31What are you doing?
02:32Hey, come away from that car. You are supposed to be on patrol.
02:36I am sorry, Sergeant.
02:40Put your helmets back on.
02:42Get into life.
02:46Quick, march!
02:51...
02:59Isn't he a thing?
03:00We actually got hold of it!
03:05Oh, my God.
03:08I was so scared I have been eating a toadstool.
03:12I will probably die!
03:14Be quiet. I hear the plane. We must hurry.
03:32It is a very big one.
03:34I think it is a transport plane.
03:36René, how can that great big plane land in this little field?
03:42It is not landing. Look.
03:50They have released two parachutes.
03:59They are going to drop the other side of the wood. Quick.
04:09They must have landed somewhere near here.
04:14What are you doing?
04:16I am going no further until someone tells me what is going on.
04:25I see something.
04:29It is a copper.
04:31I say, is anyone down there?
04:33Oh, my God. Not another stupid Englishman.
04:38I say, are you from HQ?
04:41We rather thought the plane would land.
04:43Change of plan. We're trying out a new escape package.
04:47We'd better get you down, I suppose.
04:48I seem to be a bit stuck.
04:50If René held me up in his strong arms,
04:53I could reach up and pull him down.
04:56He could hold me in his strong arms.
04:58Oh, but I might drop you, precious.
05:05Come along.
05:06This way.
05:07Now.
05:09Up you get.
05:10Whoops.
05:15Quickly, Maria.
05:22What's going on, Fairfax?
05:24One of the barmaids has pulled the policeman's trousers down.
05:29It's all go, isn't it?
05:31Oh, you're giving me.
05:32What?
05:33What?
05:34Oh, no.
05:35Oh.
05:38Oh.
05:41Oh.
05:42Oh.
05:42Oh.
05:43Oh.
05:43Oh.
05:43Oh.
05:45Oh.
05:45Oh.
05:46That was all rather exciting.
05:48Why have they sent us another Englishman?
05:51They sent me over because I speak French.
05:53I think heaven's for that.
05:55They have sent him because he speaks French.
05:58Oh.
05:59Hello, everybody.
06:02Do we have our own tongue?
06:09I have brung greetings from British Intelligence Headquarters.
06:16What does he say?
06:19I think he brings greetings from Intelligence Headquarters.
06:22I have disgeased as polosman, so I am able to move a boot with complete freedom.
06:33Do you think he will get away with that accent?
06:36As long as he does not speak, yes.
06:39We will tell everyone that he comes from a remote village in the country.
06:44On the outskirts of Peking.
06:47You picked up this package.
06:49Push.
06:50This is the escape pookage.
06:53You must heat it in your sealer.
06:57What was that?
06:59The escape package.
07:00You must add it in the cellar.
07:02How does he know I have a cellar?
07:03In London, we are not stupid.
07:06We know every move you mok.
07:15Who is it?
07:17It is I, Helga!
07:20Enter.
07:26Was your mission successful?
07:28Yes, Colonel.
07:29What mission was this?
07:30I know nothing about a mission.
07:32Hans, I don't tell you everything.
07:34The less you know about some things, the better.
07:37Now, come forward and stand in front of me.
07:40I don't wish anyone to see through the windows what we are up to.
07:47So, now, show me what you've got.
07:53Good.
07:56Colonel, am I allowed to see what Helga has got?
08:00Helga has a normal knockwurst.
08:03Made by a butcher, which we'll be sending to the Führer.
08:07It is very simple.
08:08The priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
08:11is concealed inside a knockwurst,
08:12which is hidden in the René's cellar.
08:14The forged painting of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies
08:17is concealed inside a similar knockwurst,
08:18which is hanging in the René's kitchen.
08:20The knockwurst concealed on my person
08:22is to be sent to Herr Hitler,
08:24who is under the impression that it contains
08:26the original painting of the fallen Madonna for the big boobies.
08:28Which is in the cellar?
08:29Which Herrflick of the Gestapo thinks is in the kitchen.
08:32I only asked if I could have a look.
08:36Who is it?
08:38It is only me, dear Colonel.
08:40René from the café.
08:44Come inside!
08:48We have good news, René.
08:50Helga has a normal knockwurst
08:52to put on the train to Berlin for the Führer.
08:55Helga, show him.
09:01I've missed it again, pal.
09:05Colonel, I have bad news.
09:07The resistance, who I do not know very well,
09:10have refused to blow up the train.
09:12This is the train containing this knockwurst.
09:14It must be blown up so that Hitler thinks
09:16the painting has been destroyed.
09:17I know that bit.
09:19Why have they refused to blow up the train?
09:21Well, they say they have a previous engagement.
09:24Something to do with an ammunition, L'Oreal.
09:26Did you explain to them how important this is?
09:29Oh, yes, of course, dear Colonel,
09:31but they do not take all that much notice of me.
09:34We barely nod to each other in the street, you understand.
09:38I could try the Communist resistance.
09:41They might do it for money.
09:43Party funds are very low, I have heard.
09:46Very well.
09:47Go back to your café and see what you can do for us.
09:49Oh, could you let me have a few thousand francs
09:53to put a deposit down, just to show good faith?
09:56Certainly not.
09:57You pay them, and we'll make it up to you.
09:59Yes, sir.
10:00Make sure you get a receipt.
10:03No, no, no, no, no, I do not wish to go in.
10:07Put me by the table, sir.
10:10Here, my sweet love.
10:12And bring me a drink.
10:14But funny, will you not be too chilly?
10:17No, no, no, not if I have a big gin and tonic.
10:23My love, my flower,
10:25I would buy for you the whole world,
10:27but I do not have any money.
10:31Oh, but now this is my daughter's café,
10:33we can have freebies.
10:37How much?
10:39Now, look here.
10:41It is just one little tray.
10:44Surely you could blow it up for a bit less than that.
10:48Is that your rock-bottom prize?
10:51Well, hang on a minute.
10:59No, no, I cannot go to that, no.
11:02Well, how would it be if we supplied the explosives?
11:06No, I do not want to leave my name, no.
11:08It is just an inkling.
11:10Hey, who do you think you are?
11:13It is I, Leclerc.
11:15I know that.
11:17What are you doing helping yourself to my gin?
11:19It is my gin.
11:21My mama.
11:23Give her a double.
11:25Lieutenant Gruber,
11:27you have again parked your armored car in my place under the tree.
11:30Oh, I am most sorry, Colonel.
11:32I have just polished it and it looked like rain.
11:35I will move it.
11:36No, we shall only be here a few minutes.
11:38But don't do it again.
11:42Heil Hitler.
11:44And don't try to get around me.
11:49René, the normal Knokwurst is on the night train to Berlin.
11:53Helga put it on.
11:54It is next to the ammunition truck.
11:55Airflick supervised her and then he sent a telegram to Hitler.
11:58Signed by the colonel.
11:59Good news, huh?
12:01Unfortunately, Colonel, I have bad news.
12:03The communists have refused to blow up the train.
12:06Refused to blow up the train?
12:07What sort of communists are you dealing with?
12:10Who ever heard of a communist who wouldn't blow up a train?
12:13That means Hitler will receive a normal Knokwurst.
12:16And a telegram from the colonel.
12:18And he will find out that you have nicked his painting?
12:21Knackered by a Knokwurst.
12:23That will put kaput on my career.
12:26Give me a large cognac.
12:27Oh, yes.
12:27Colonel, anticipating this development,
12:30I have a further plan which may yet save us.
12:33You have?
12:34Give her a cognac as well.
12:35Here.
12:37René.
12:46Tell us your plan.
12:47A little bit slower than last time.
12:51A 20mm incendiary shell accurately fired at the ammunition truck
12:55would blow it up and also demolish the Knokwurst.
12:58The resistance will be blamed.
12:59We arrest a few peasants and shoot them
13:01and we will all be in the clear.
13:03That's all very well, Helga.
13:05But where do we get a 20mm cannon?
13:07And who's going to fire it?
13:08Lieutenant Gruber has an armoured car
13:11on which is mounted a 20mm cannon.
13:18Hello.
13:20He'll never lend it.
13:22He's very stingy.
13:24He might lend it to René.
13:26He's very fond of him.
13:28Oh, yes.
13:29I can just see that.
13:31Good evening, Lieutenant Gruber.
13:32A small sherry?
13:34Oh, with pleasure.
13:34Um, by the way, Lieutenant,
13:37I wonder if I might borrow your armoured car for the evening.
13:40No, no, no.
13:41There is no need for you to come with me.
13:43I just wish to drive it around a little bit,
13:45see if I can pull a few birds
13:47or maybe shoot a pigeon or two with a 20mm shell.
13:52No.
13:53René is right.
13:54We'll have to knock it off when he's not looking.
13:56And he will blame it on the resistance.
13:58And he can just shoot another couple of peasants.
14:00If you go on at this rate,
14:01there will be nobody left in the village.
14:03That's a very good plan here.
14:04That's the only plan we've got.
14:06As soon as it is dark, we will act.
14:09Are you with us, René?
14:11Oh, well, all right, Colonel.
14:13I will keep Lieutenant Gruber talking
14:15while you nip off, nick the armoured car
14:17and blow up the train.
14:18No, René.
14:19I, as a colonel, cannot get involved in a plan like this.
14:24I will distract Gruber.
14:26And you, Hans,
14:27you will nick the armoured car.
14:30Colonel!
14:31I'm a very bad driver.
14:33I only have a provisional licence.
14:37It is very hard to see out of those things.
14:39My glasses will steam up.
14:40I will get lost.
14:42René can sit on top,
14:44stick his head through the hole,
14:45and guide you.
14:46Oh, but Colonel,
14:47would it not be better if Elga drove
14:48and the captain could sit on top
14:50and stick his head out and guide her?
14:51I have an assignation with hair flick.
14:53Well, can you not break it?
14:54One does not stand up the Gestapo.
14:56What time is the train?
14:58Ten o'clock.
14:59Very well.
14:59We all meet here at 9.30.
15:02I will take care of Gruber.
15:04You all take care of the train.
15:05Oh, but good night, René.
15:06Good night, Colonel.
15:08You're not going.
15:09Not in your armoured car.
15:11But I think I will have an early night.
15:14Nonsense.
15:14I hope you're not going
15:16because I was cross with you.
15:19Well, I was a bit upset.
15:22Don't be upset, Gruber.
15:25What's your first name?
15:27Hubert.
15:29Don't be upset, Hubert.
15:31I like you.
15:32Hans likes you.
15:34René likes you.
15:35And the girls,
15:36they like you too.
15:38I tell you what,
15:39come round here about 9.30
15:41and we'll have dinner together
15:43and bring your armoured car.
15:45Suddenly I'm feeling better.
15:48Suddenly I am feeling worse.
15:50Can I help you, officer?
15:53An old early lody outside
15:55in a bath chair
15:56has been heating the bootle.
16:02What?
16:03He's drunk.
16:05He's post as a newt.
16:08Oh, my God.
16:09Is it post?
16:10Come on, I'm not a spirit.
16:12No, no, no.
16:13Don't enter the cafe of my daughter.
16:16Oh, Fanny.
16:17Fanny, please, my love,
16:18do not take on show.
16:19May you all finish up in the...
16:20Stop it.
16:21Stop it, you silly old man.
16:23These are my customers.
16:24Are you trying to ruin my business?
16:26It is my daughter's business.
16:28You are on the way out.
16:30Get inside, please.
16:32Welcome, gentlemen.
16:33Your table is ready.
16:34Stop.
16:35Gentlemen, please,
16:36come back, gentlemen.
16:37She is potting in the head.
16:38I have your window table for you, please.
16:42Don't worry, Vinnie.
16:43Hubert and I will take it.
16:46Won't be, Hubert.
16:47You are most kind, Colonel.
16:49Can I give anyone a lift?
16:50Oh, give Hans a lift.
16:52Let him play with your cannon.
16:55I will show you
16:56what fun an almond car can be.
17:009.30, Vinnie.
17:01Water the wine
17:02and take the flowers off the table.
17:1410 minutes is up.
17:16You may now come out
17:18of the corner.
17:22Yes, Herr Flick.
17:25Let that be a lesson to you.
17:27Never again
17:29will you burn my toast.
17:33Yes, Herr Flick.
17:35May I sit?
17:36Yes.
17:39You may continue with your tea.
17:41I have kept your egg warm
17:43under the cozy.
17:46You have a very kind streak
17:48in your nature.
17:48I nearly failed
17:50my Gestapo exams
17:52because of it.
17:54It has a very strong shell.
17:56Hit it hard
17:57with your spoon.
17:58They always break
18:00in the end.
18:02You're looking
18:03pensive, Herr Flick.
18:04I'm trying to decide
18:06what to do
18:07with you tonight.
18:09I see, Herr Flick.
18:10I might take you
18:12to the movies.
18:13What is showing?
18:14Anything we like.
18:17Oh, we could stay here
18:19and amuse ourselves.
18:21I have a box
18:22of sharp needles
18:23somewhere.
18:25Ah, here they are.
18:28What have you in mind,
18:29Herr Flick?
18:30I have an excellent
18:32gramophone
18:33and many records
18:34of Hitler's speeches.
18:36They are quite amusing.
18:39Hitler's speeches
18:40quite amusing?
18:42Played at double speed.
18:45He sounds like
18:46Donald Duck.
18:50You see
18:51what the boys
18:52in the back room
18:54will have
18:54until them
18:56I sighed
18:57until them
18:58I sighed
18:59until them
19:00I died
19:01of the same.
19:08Thank you
19:09for your kind of flow.
19:10And now,
19:11please,
19:12will you show
19:12your appreciation
19:13for our pianist,
19:14Monsieur Leclerc?
19:19Colonel,
19:20Lieutenant is here.
19:23Colonel.
19:24Colonel!
19:27I'm sorry,
19:28the cheese you know.
19:30Look.
19:33I will take care of him.
19:34You and Hans
19:35know what to do.
19:36I am sorry
19:37I am late, Colonel.
19:38Perhaps your armored car
19:39would not start.
19:40You had to leave it
19:41at the barracks.
19:41She started
19:42on the button
19:43but she was nearly
19:44out of gasoline.
19:45Good.
19:45So I filled her up.
19:48That's our table
19:49over there.
19:50Oh,
19:50how cozy.
19:52Take this.
19:56Franny,
19:56Hans,
19:57you know what to do.
19:58Good luck to you.
19:59Colonel,
20:00he has just taken
20:01the flowers
20:02from the next table.
20:03Good luck to you.
20:08Cutting.
20:10Dear Colonel,
20:11would you prefer
20:12your back to the wall
20:13or the room?
20:14I think the wall.
20:18Sit down,
20:19Hubert,
20:20and tell me
20:21all about yourself.
20:22Well,
20:23it has been
20:23a hard day.
20:24I am quite hoarse,
20:26you know,
20:26from ordering
20:27soldiers about.
20:28Yes,
20:29it's hard
20:29being a German officer.
20:30All that shouting
20:32and stamping of feet.
20:33People don't understand,
20:35do they?
20:35I fear they do not.
20:41Do we have a key
20:42or a tin opener?
20:43They do not block it.
20:45After all,
20:45who wouldn't
20:45lick an armoured car?
20:53Where is this?
20:54What for?
20:55If the resistance
20:56take a pot shot at you,
20:57it will bounce off.
20:58Bounce off?
21:00I am not sticking
21:00my head out of there.
21:02I'll drive.
21:16Stop the engine!
21:19Keep your voice down.
21:20Sorry.
21:23It's that little
21:24knob in front.
21:26Oh,
21:26give it a bit more
21:29choke.
21:33forward!
21:38I said forward,
21:39you're going back for me!
21:41Woo!
21:43Did I hit something?
21:44The colonel's car!
21:46He will do his nothing!
21:51Never mind.
21:52He will blame the resistance
21:54and shoot a couple of peasants.
21:57I'm saying
21:58how easy it is
21:59to slip into the ways
22:00of being a Nazi.
22:11I'm saying
22:12how easy it is to slip into the ways of being a Nazi.
22:15Oh, Colonel,
22:17would you like me to sit upon your knee?
22:20That sounds like a bit of fun.
22:22Doesn't it, Hubert?
22:23If you say so,
22:24coroner.
22:26I'm saying so,
22:28I'm saying so,
22:29I'm saying so.
22:29Well,
22:31go on, Hubert.
22:32You're in the tank corps.
22:33It'll be good for your image.
22:37Are the driver of Armored Care 41-9 on the cafe?
22:4341-9?
22:44That is my armored car.
22:46It has been driven a war by two men.
22:49You!
22:50Armored car stolen?
22:52Don't worry about it, Hubert.
22:54It's probably some local boys
22:55playing a little prank.
22:57I must report it at once
22:58to my headquarters.
22:59Just think how cross they will be
23:01when they find out
23:01you've lost your armored car.
23:03Believe me,
23:04it'll come back if you're patient.
23:06But what if it does not?
23:08What am I doing holding this car?
23:11I will.
23:12I will report it at once
23:13to Herr Flick of the Gestapo.
23:15He will make discreet inquiries.
23:18He owes me a favor.
23:26Why have we left the main road?
23:28A motorcycle was following us.
23:31Don't worry,
23:31this lane leads to the railway line.
23:36Is he still following?
23:38Just a minute.
23:39I will have a look.
23:44Can you see the motorcycle?
23:48Not at the moment.
24:07Stop the machine.
24:13Flick the Gestapo.
24:15No, I said Flick the Gestapo.
24:21Yes, Hubert.
24:25Yes, Hubert.
24:29Yes, Hubert.
24:30You are very careless.
24:32Stay where you are.
24:34I will come at once.
24:36You will come with me.
24:40Hold my schmeisser
24:42while I remove my carpet slippers.
24:52I can see the railway line.
24:54Stop here.
25:03I can hear the train coming.
25:05Oh, dear.
25:06Pass me a shell.
25:07Well, where were they?
25:08They must be in here.
25:09It's a matter of...
25:10Try the glove compartment.
25:14Have you found anything?
25:15Just some lady's underwear.
25:17Some shaving lotion.
25:21Ah, I have one.
25:22Good.
25:23Hurry up.
25:24It is getting nearer.
25:25I think it is loaded.
25:26Now, I have to aim
25:28for the third wagon from the end.
25:30Yes, good luck.
25:31Put your fingers in your ears.
25:32There may be a big bang.
25:35I can see it.
25:36One, two, three.
25:39That's the one.
25:46Missed.
25:49Another shell.
25:52Can you get a little bit nearer?
25:54No, I cannot.
25:56One, two, three.
26:04You have blown up the signal box.
26:07I think the barrel is bent.
26:09There goes the train.
26:11There goes Hitler's sausage.
26:13I think we should catch it up
26:15further down the line.
26:16No.
26:17The way I drive,
26:18I would never catch it.
26:19And the way you shoot,
26:20you would never eat it.
26:22I think we're gone.
26:23Let's go.