- 4 hours ago
Season 2 Episode 22
madtv reality playboy
madtv reality playboy
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TVTranscript
00:01On the next MADtv, LL Cool J presents the Best Female Vocalist Award.
00:06You guys look a little, uh, different.
00:09Well, we've been in a lot of stress lately.
00:11You taking any teeth for that?
00:12Uh, strike that.
00:12I got a strong feeling that you guys aren't in vogue.
00:15At least, I hope not.
00:18Best Female Impersonator Award.
00:21Honey, them other girls is fronting. I am the real in vogue.
00:24Next on MADtv.
00:26You are now watching MADtv.
00:30You are now watching MADtv.
00:36MAD!
00:38I'm a busy executive with no time on my hands.
00:40And I constantly find myself wanting to listen to Gangsta Rap and Barbershop Quartet.
00:45I wish somebody would come up with a way for me to listen to both at the same time.
00:50Well, now someone has.
00:51What?
00:52Spishak Records presents the music you've all been waiting for.
00:55All right!
00:56Yes, it's the Gangsta Shop Quartet singing all the classics.
01:00We're all illin' cause we ain't done no killin' lately.
01:05But then I want to be...
01:09If I stay home from me...
01:13Home from me...
01:17Gonna get my cat, gonna bust a cat, rat-a-tat-tat.
01:21Rat-a-tat-tat.
01:22Rat-a-tat-tat.
01:24Teenage Widow, Crack Baby Please, Notorious DOA, Sex and Alexis, Negro Please, Ninth Grade Cat, Gin and Jews, Poetak, and the classic Got My Third Strike.
01:39Court dates today, what can I say?
01:44I'm afraid they're gonna lock me away.
01:50Got my third strike, got it last night, in a drive-by massacre.
01:55Now they're all dead, simple shots to the head, it all happened in a blur.
02:00What happened?
02:01I sure like killin', now I'll be illin', cause my third strike landed me in jail.
02:10Romantic classics like No Vaseline, Big Booty Ho, He's Nuts, Bitch Slap Party, Opinion, America's Most Addicted, Rice Patty Fatty, Junkie But Funky, Back to Nam Sam, Head Full of Lead, or if you're in the mood for a little fun, how about Give Up That Car?
02:26You're the cutest by far, but one thing's for sure, you're gonna die, if you don't give up that car, booyah.
02:43Timeless classics to enjoy with that special someone, or for when the whole gang is over.
02:48Turn to give me no sass, I'll bust a cap in your ass, you know you better have my money, cause you know I own that honey, and her booty is on loan.
02:57I may sound crazy, but her booty I do, yes I do loan.
03:06It's another gangster party from the Gangster Shop Quartet from Spishak Records.
03:12Act now and you'll get over 400 songs on 4 CDs for the amazing price of about $4.99.
03:17Send your money today to this address.
03:18You're so crazy.
03:44You're so crazy.
04:14Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome LL Cool J.
04:28What's up, what's up, what's up? How's everybody doing?
04:48Alright, welcome to MADtv, we have a great show for you tonight. Sit back, enjoy, get ready. Thank you.
04:55I've got about 40 seconds before I have to do my funny bits, so, see ya.
05:07Isn't it fun?
05:08And now we're back with the third annual H.L. Chubb Music Train Awards.
05:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our next presenter, LL Cool J.
05:41It's my deep honor to be presenting tonight's H.L. Chubb Music Train Award for Best R&B Vocal Group.
05:47And the nominees are, my good friends, Boyz II Men, TLC, and Envold.
05:56And this year, Chubb Music Train Awards.
05:58And this year, Chubb goes to...
05:59It's a little chubby wubby. Don't you love me, Chubb?
06:03My favorite award. I just love me a chubby.
06:06And...
06:08Envold!
06:10Envold!
06:12Envold!
06:14Envold!
06:15Envold is all towards Japan right now, so I'd like to accept this award on their behalf.
06:19Envold, cause we are here! Envold is in the house!
06:23Hey!
06:24Hello, Oakland!
06:26Yeah!
06:27Woo!
06:28Ladies and gentlemen, uh...
06:30Envold?
06:34Envold?
06:36Our first chubby! Oh, my God! We were not expecting this at all!
06:40Ugh! This is a night of dreams!
06:45Man, you guys look a little, uh... different.
06:49Well, we've been in a lot of stress lately. You know, the politics of the music business.
06:53Oh, okay.
06:54You taking any tea for that?
06:56First of all, I would like to thank my Lord God.
06:59Yes, and I would like to thank my Lord Jehovah.
07:01Mad props to Jah!
07:04Look, look, no disrespect, but I'm a little worried.
07:06I mean, you've changed since the last time I saw you. You're bigger or something.
07:11Um, well, that's just cause we've been going to the gym every day.
07:15Yeah, you know, working out, staying strong, and...
07:18Plus, I just had a baby, and I wanted to get my figure back without stooping as low as lipo.
07:22Okay, well, after hearing about this break-up, it's great to see you guys are back together again.
07:27Oh, thank you!
07:28Do you feel like doing some a cappella for all of us?
07:30Huh? Yeah! No!
07:31No?
07:32Yeah! Wouldn't you guys like to hear that?
07:36You know what? Who am an a cappella for?
07:38Okay, um...
07:41Free your mind!
07:43Free your mind!
07:44Free your mind!
07:45Free your mind!
07:46Free your mind!
07:47Free your mind!
07:48Free your mind!
07:49Free your mind!
07:50Free your mind!
07:51Hey!
07:52Enough!
07:53You know, I may be wrong, but I got a strong feeling that you guys aren't in vogue.
07:57At least...
07:58Ooh!
07:59I hope not!
08:00Come on, man, get...
08:01Hey!
08:02Look, you ain't getting no chubby, all right?
08:03No way you're getting a chubby from me, especially you!
08:06Right?
08:07Free your mind!
08:08This is the real in vogue chubby, and they don't come easy!
08:10I worked my ass off to get my first chubby!
08:12Even Michael Jackson, the king of pop, doesn't have a chubby!
08:15Don't you think he'd love to get his glove on one?
08:18Huh?
08:19Anyway, I think you people should just move out.
08:20Come on, get going, come on!
08:21Oh, fine!
08:22You guys aren't in vogue!
08:23You guys aren't in vogue!
08:24At least, ooh!
08:25I hope not!
08:26Get going, come on!
08:27Oh, fine!
08:28Okay, fine!
08:29Mr. LL!
08:30Don't make me call security, all right?
08:31Well, you wouldn't know no round away, girl, if you saw...
08:33Security!
08:34Yeah, well, you ain't call security, because this is mama about to knock you out!
08:37Ahem!
08:38Ahem!
08:39Ahem!
08:40Ahem!
08:41Ahem!
08:42Ahem!
08:43Ahem!
08:44Ahem!
08:45Ahem!
08:46Ahem!
08:47Ahem!
08:48Ahem!
08:49Ahem!
08:50Ahem!
08:51What are you still doing here?
08:52Honey, them other girls is fronting.
08:53I am the real in vogue!
08:56Ahem!
08:57What are you still doing here?
08:59I just told you what you deaf, I'm the real em vogue.
09:01deaf I'm the real involved we'll be right back wait wait wait look man I
09:15ain't leave until you unasked a Chubby all right
09:20the H.M. Chubb Music Train Awards will return after this
09:27I mean how bad can nuclear waste be for you yeah so Joanna what's it like to reach the big 3-5
09:51ah just great I mean I work in this office making nets to nothing and I got to put up with you two
09:57jerks all day long we love you too Joanna thanks you guys really excuse me I'm looking for Joanna
10:02Peterson I'm Joanna Peterson I'm afraid you're under arrest ma'am Joanna what did you do nothing
10:07I haven't done anything man we've received several complaints that you're way too sexy for this office
10:14what I'm afraid the penalty is going to be a stiff one
10:20oh my god you guys I cannot believe this Joanna you can see your face
10:30what do you mean embarrassing
10:37I mean you know you're taking your clothes off
10:40it's because my chest is sunken isn't it it's because I'm not sexy
10:44I'm unsexy I'm the unsexiest man in the world
10:48no no calm down you look fine
10:50don't lie to me I shouldn't even be here I mean I'm a terrible stripper
10:53Dallas suddenly sent me here because they felt sorry for me
10:56that's not true we told them to send us the best guy they've got
10:59no I guess he couldn't make it no I mean I think you're pretty good
11:04just saying that aren't you no no I'm not you Mr. Stripper are great
11:13really yeah really you're great I mean you got me hot see
11:18I got you hot you got me hot
11:21I got you hot huh yeah
11:23hey you know what I'm a pretty good stripper yeah you are yeah I'm a great stripper
11:28you told me that hey you know what what what I'm the greatest stripper in the world
11:31yeah come on I'm sexy I'm sexy yeah come on yeah you wash my ass
11:44come on you monkeys come on you monkeys
11:48yeah I'm a fantasy I'm melting your world
11:52yeah
11:53yeah
11:54I don't think so
11:56what's that is that my mansion is that my mansion
12:01woohoo yeah you want me don't you you want me don't you
12:05you want to lick my navel till it gets sore I don't think so
12:09come on here you leave
12:11what
12:17what
12:21man sent
12:23I'm sorry don't cry
12:32leave me alone okay just go away just go away
12:35okay we'll we'll just go back to work
12:38yeah back to work
12:40gee Joanna I feel like we let you down
12:44I mean we promised you a sexy hunky male stripper for your birthday
12:48there's always the delivery guy at four
12:51I can't wait until then you know I want a hunky male stripper to get me hot right now
12:56I mean real hot
12:58yeah I wish there was one of those here huh
13:02hey what's that
13:10is that what I think it is
13:12is that a sexy stripper
13:14mom
13:15who's stripping I think it is who's stripping I think it's the sexy stripper ever
13:19who's stripping yeah
13:20oh yeah
13:21who's just a stripper
13:22yes
13:23who's just a stripper
13:24officer's stripper
13:25officer's stripper yeah
13:27officer Murphy
13:33officer Murphy we got a 211 in progress
13:37ladies ladies ladies please
13:41Murphy what the hell is going on here
13:45well
13:47I'm being
13:48I'm a bad cop
13:54worst cop in the world
13:56no you're not no you're not
13:58yes I am
13:59you're a good cop you're a great cop
14:01I am
14:03yes you are
14:04not bad I mean
14:07I'm pretty good aren't I
14:08you're the greatest cop in the world Murphy
14:10I am the greatest cop in the world
14:13yeah
14:13yeah
14:14hey sergeant I got an idea
14:16let's go bust some bad guys
14:17yeah
14:18let's pull these chicks off
14:19okay
14:20okay come on come on
14:21sorry Joanna
14:24try and get the money back
14:26I knew we should have gotten that two for one
14:29an astronaut's deal
14:30yeah
14:31yeah
14:33yeah
14:35yeah
14:36yeah
14:37yeah
14:39yeah
14:41just for the camera
14:41you're not doing it
14:42I'm acting baby not a cute
14:43I'm acting baby not a cute
14:45you're gonna say the funniest
14:47and don't even think about it
14:49yeah
14:50yeah
14:50yeah
14:51yeah
14:52yeah
14:53yeah
14:54yeah
14:55yeah
14:56yeah
14:57yeah
14:58yeah
14:58yeah
14:59it's been pretty hot lately
15:04people tend to get kind of runny
15:06kind of irritable
15:07you find out what they're made of
15:09we have a 415 domestic dispute
15:12at 1616 Clapporn
15:14here we go again
15:16never a dull moment at the dream house
15:18bad toys
15:19bad toys
15:20what you gonna do
15:23when they break on you
15:24bad toys
15:25clops
15:26film frame by frame
15:28with the animated clay men and women of law enforcement
15:31oh go ahead
15:36hey me
15:37damn power rangers coming to this country taking work from a veteran
15:41it's all tickle me elbow and power rangers and I can't get a job
15:46well if you didn't sit at home on your ass drinking all day long
15:50hey hey hey hey hey one at a time okay
15:54you
15:55has he threatened you
15:56are you kidding
15:57he's one of the boys with a cold poop grip
16:00look at him
16:00I know what he should be calling the cops
16:02look at this scar huh
16:04what about that scar you did it yourself
16:07you're not like a big bowie
16:08that you cluck
16:09skipper knows how to treat a man
16:11you're going to treat me like a man
16:13jeep
16:14I can't believe it
16:15hey
16:15that's it
16:16alright come on
16:17that's it
16:17that's it
16:18come on
16:18let's go
16:19both of you
16:19let's go
16:20you see how you feel about each other after a night in jail
16:22what in the beach house
16:25oh yeah
16:26I gotta go down the mountain
16:27thing is
16:28you get these guys
16:30that have been played with their whole lives
16:31and they
16:32they can't deal with reality
16:34there's our suspect now
16:38put the gun down and don't jump into any books
16:41I got him
16:42please
16:47he's down there
16:48where'd he go
16:51with the thing he jumped the fan saw
16:52psst
16:54psst
16:54he's in the trunk
16:57I didn't do nothing you stupid
16:59f***ing tings
17:00you don't know what you're dealing with
17:02you're not you piece of a f***ing
17:03me you're dead
17:04you're all dead
17:05alright
17:05I'm gonna take this loser to the pokey
17:08why me
17:10why me
17:11let me out
17:12ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
17:16tell you
17:17work this shift long enough you see some pretty animated things
17:21oh
17:22hello to this guy
17:23light him up
17:24have a merry frequent christmas
17:29evening
17:30you been drinking tonight sir
17:33no
17:33just a couple of nox
17:36the poles are
17:37us for
17:38us sir
17:38alright step out of the slate please
17:40what's in the trunk
17:43nothing
17:44so if I open that trunk
17:45I'm not gonna find anything I don't like am I
17:47um
17:48you know this is my wife's sleigh
17:51alright
17:52pop the trunk
17:53oh
17:55hello
17:57what's this
17:58it's just snow from the north pole
18:00I'm holding it for the easter bunny
18:02Santa you're under arrest
18:03oh come on
18:04you have the right to remain silent
18:06you better not pout
18:08you better not
18:09oh
18:09there he goes
18:10get in
18:10hold it down
18:12yes someone's been
18:15nutting this in it
18:16yeah
18:17yeah
18:18you bastards
18:21you rat
18:22bastards
18:22you
18:23you're not getting anything in your stocking
18:26I know you
18:27I know where you live
18:29I will take you out
18:31and I don't mean on a date
18:33you f***ing assholes
18:35you bastard
18:36that's the hardest part of this job
18:37busting your heroes
18:38get me out of here
18:38get me out of here
18:39probably gonna get a big lump of coal in my stock
18:40this year
18:41but I'm just doing my job
18:42call my help
18:43so I snook out of the house
18:50and Charlie and I
18:51we did the nasty all night long
18:53tell it girlfriend
18:56cause he's fine and mine all the time
18:58and soon
18:58he's gonna be mine forever
19:00I think he's gonna pop the questions
19:02oh
19:03great
19:04hey call me later if he does
19:06but not too late though
19:07cause I gotta get up early
19:08I got a job at the mall
19:09the mall
19:10yeah
19:11I just put the corn on the corn dogs at corn doggers
19:14so
19:16you think you're better than me
19:17no
19:18I didn't say I was better than you
19:19you know what
19:20you just said it
19:21and now
19:21you're gonna get it
19:22here pull my baby
19:23oh girl you in for it
19:24let's go
19:25Rosa I'm sorry
19:26yeah yeah you better back down
19:28whatever I said I'm sorry
19:30okay
19:30hey you know what
19:32someone take that dog for a walk
19:34honey she's just jealous
19:37here you go
19:38she's just jealous
19:39she's just jealous because you got Charlie
19:40and all she got is a corn dog
19:41yeah no doubt corn dog
19:43huh
19:43alright girl I gotta go
19:44I gotta get up early tomorrow
19:45my daddy's thinking me to buy a new car
19:47parade a battery cable
19:50okay
19:52see you tomorrow
19:53see you
19:54hey
19:58are you Rosa
19:59are you stupid
20:01cause yes I am
20:02you're Charlie's girlfriend right
20:05no no
20:06I'm Charlie's fiance
20:07ese
20:08yeah what Elva
20:09look
20:09he been talking trash about me
20:11you tell him
20:12Richie looking for him
20:13when I find him I'm gonna kick his ass
20:14hey you know what
20:15don't talk to me like you know me
20:16you come to me at a dance
20:18and start laying down checks
20:19that your ass can't cash
20:21you know what
20:22Charlie's not gonna get the message
20:23cause I'm not gonna give it to him
20:25you know what
20:25I got a message for you
20:26whoa whoa whoa Rosa
20:27what's going on
20:27what's going on
20:28this cockroach is talking to me
20:30like he knows me
20:31you know
20:31and I'm gonna introduce him
20:32to my face
20:33hey Rosa relax relax
20:35calm down
20:35let me handle this
20:36what's going on
20:37yo man you've been dishing me
20:39behind my back
20:39you know I can't do it to your face
20:41cause you're so damn ugly
20:42well who you calling ugly
20:44you Mr. Ugly
20:46Mr. Ugly
20:46yeah
20:47your first name is stupid
20:48your last name is ugly
20:49and your last name is
20:50Rosa Rosa
20:51come now
20:52can't stick up for me all the time
20:54alright
20:54people think I'm a mariposa
20:56gee man you ain't even a mariposa
20:58you a bitch
20:59that's it
21:00that's it
21:01here hold our baby
21:02come on let's go
21:03come on let's go
21:03Rosa
21:03Rosa
21:04stop it
21:05you're making me look bad
21:06Rosa
21:06you're making me look bad
21:08oh Charlie I just want to kill him
21:12cause I love you
21:12Rosa listen to me
21:13I gotta be a man okay
21:14and if you keep sticking up for me
21:16we're through
21:16you get it
21:17it's over
21:18now hold our baby
21:20now hold our baby
21:20okay
21:21fine
21:22he's all yours
21:24yeah come on chum
21:25come on man what are you gonna do
21:26hit me give me a break
21:27oh
21:28that's my big strong Charlie
21:32bravo Charlie bravo
21:34Rosa help me
21:35no no
21:35don't talk to me like you know me
21:37you know what
21:38it's a pretty nice punch
21:40you know
21:41kinda like you know
21:42turn me on
21:43make my juices with the way you punch
21:44not like this one though
21:45don't you ever mess with my boyfriend again
21:50Mr. Stupid Ugly
21:51come on
21:52come on
21:53come on babas
21:54we'll go to corn dog or something
21:56come on
21:56I can't get a corn dog now
21:58come on
21:58we'll force it down your throat
21:59come on
21:59what are you looking at
22:01coming up on MADtv
22:09you selfish bastard
22:11I can't believe I fell in love with you
22:13my name is Reginal
22:16Sir Reginald Rawley
22:17but you can call me Skipper
22:19I think I found my new flame
22:21they have these bath houses
22:23all over New York City
22:24and the gays just love them
22:26aww
22:27hey
22:27what time does the movie start?
22:46not to wait
22:47well it's almost 8 o'clock now
22:48come on
22:49turn the channel
22:49no no no
22:49there's something I want to see first
22:50okay
22:51and now for the winning lotto numbers
22:54tonight's jackpot is worth
22:5524 million dollars
22:56and the first number is
22:5812
22:59alright
23:00we gotta talk
23:02about what?
23:04I've been sort of thinking about our marriage
23:05you know
23:06do you really figure it's working?
23:08why?
23:09don't you think it is?
23:10I'm just not sure
23:11what do you mean?
23:13hold on
23:13hold on
23:13okay tonight's the night
23:18come on
23:18Ben
23:18what do you mean you're not sure?
23:20the second number is
23:21five
23:23five
23:23stop
23:23oh
23:24okay
23:27well that's two
23:28well
23:28Ben will you talk to me?
23:30it's possible we're gonna need some time apart
23:31you know
23:32think about things
23:36what things?
23:3921
23:39oh here we go
23:41Ben?
23:42what?
23:43will you please talk to me?
23:44well we gotta ask ourselves
23:46are we suited for each other
23:47or should we be exploring other options?
23:48it's another woman isn't it?
23:5230
23:52yes
23:53I knew it
23:53no
23:54no
23:55no
23:56it's not another woman
23:58I'm just saying it's
23:59it's a big wide world out there baby
24:01what about our plans to raise a family?
24:04I mean
24:04I have a couple of kids
24:05and
24:0538
24:06oh that was then
24:07this is now
24:07this kid's got some serious living to do
24:11my sister was right
24:13you are a real flick
24:14I mean I can't believe I didn't see this coming
24:1644
24:17you selfish bastard
24:20I can't believe I fell in love with you
24:21hey nobody's perfect
24:33oh nobody's perfect then
24:38well you can get the hell out of my house right now
24:40and the final number for 24 million dollars
24:4345
24:44no
24:45don't tell me this
24:48well I am telling you this
24:50get the hell out of my house
24:52and you can get the hell out of my life
24:54now Ben
24:54why?
24:59what do you mean why?
25:01oh look what I said before
25:03it was okay
25:03I was just kidding
25:04I was just kidding
25:05I was just kidding
25:07is this some sort of a sick joke
25:11a joke
25:1224 million dollar joke
25:15I'm sorry I was just kidding
25:18you're gonna be mine forever
25:20okay
25:20forever
25:21forever
25:22ever
25:23ever
25:26stupid idiot
25:31I hate you
25:31hit me with popcorn
25:32you know it turns me going
25:33you know you had me believing that
25:38oh god
25:39look look
25:40let's just watch the movie
25:41I got a better idea
25:43what?
25:44forget the movie
25:45let's make our own movie
25:48oh yes
25:51oh yes
25:52oh
25:53whenever I touch this
25:55it turns me on
25:56honey
26:06hmm
26:07baby
26:08we gotta talk
26:10what now?
26:14nothing
26:14oh Agnes
26:30I'm very sorry Mr. Grady
26:32but you would not believe
26:33the traffic out there
26:34it's like everyone waits for me
26:35to pull out of my driveway
26:37before they decide to go to work
26:38like there's some big signal
26:40or something
26:40it's alright
26:41we're just getting started
26:42and my husband
26:43he couldn't find the keys to my car
26:45but don't worry
26:46don't worry
26:47I'm divorcing him
26:48so that won't be a problem
26:49again
26:49no I'm done
26:51Bert here
26:51was just giving us a quick overview
26:52oh great
26:53were you?
26:54great
26:54good
26:55well that's great
26:56um okay
26:57well then let's get started
26:58if everyone will please
26:59open up their reports
27:00to page one
27:00we're gonna start with the
27:02quarterlies from this year
27:02we're gonna
27:03uh review the
27:04start with the
27:06gonna
27:07I'm very sorry
27:11about this sir
27:12something wrong?
27:13yes
27:13but it's nothing that I did
27:15Bert
27:15why aren't the quarterlies
27:17in this report?
27:18they are
27:19don't tell me
27:21they're in here
27:21when I'm holding the report
27:22and they're not in here
27:24they're right here
27:25where?
27:27right there
27:27and why didn't
27:31I see them?
27:35I don't know
27:36answer me
27:37I don't know
27:39I don't know
27:40I don't know
27:40you're starting to sound
27:41like a broken record here
27:41Bert
27:42and frankly
27:42you were making me look bad
27:43in front of Mr. Grady
27:44well I'm sure it was an honest mistake
27:46we'll just move on
27:47sir
27:47how am I supposed to find
27:48the quarterlies
27:48when Bert here
27:49has buried them
27:51on page one
27:52and where is that
27:55paragraph on Ecuador
27:56we discussed?
27:58page two
28:00and what
28:03pray tell
28:04was wrong
28:05with page one
28:06there was no room
28:08on page one
28:08oh this is a disaster
28:09you couldn't find room
28:11on page one
28:11for Ecuador
28:12all the stuff
28:15on page one
28:16leads into Ecuador
28:17which is on page two
28:19okay Bert
28:19Bert
28:19you're missing my point here
28:20I'm looking for a paragraph
28:22on Ecuador
28:23and I'm looking
28:24I'm looking
28:24I'm looking
28:25I'm not finding it
28:26that's because
28:28you're looking
28:29on page one
28:30well where is it Bert
28:34because I don't see it
28:35well you skipped a page
28:37now you're on page three
28:38well then shouldn't
28:39there be a note
28:40on the top of page two
28:41saying do not skip
28:42this page
28:43honestly
28:43I think
28:44everything is
28:44I
28:47I
28:47okay
28:48watch me
28:49watch me
28:50I
28:50oh
28:51I
28:52oh I don't know
28:53oh page one
28:54oh page one
28:55I don't know
28:55I'm missing a story
28:56in my presentation
28:57who am I
28:58me
29:02right
29:03okay why don't we
29:04take a break
29:05in a minute
29:06Bert
29:06you have embarrassed
29:07me in front of this
29:08entire meeting
29:09no I haven't
29:10let me finish
29:11yes you have
29:12sir
29:13you must be thinking
29:15to yourself
29:15my good god in heaven
29:17how does she do
29:17such an amazing job
29:19how does she do
29:20such incredible work
29:20when she's obviously
29:21surrounded by a conspiracy
29:23of idiots
29:24actually Agnes
29:26what I'm thinking
29:27is that as boss
29:28here you're responsible
29:28for everything that happens
29:30oh I see
29:33so what you're saying
29:34though
29:35even though
29:36it's obviously
29:36somebody else's fault
29:39it's still my fault
29:40because I'm the boss
29:41exactly
29:42but you're my boss
29:44pardon me
29:45well you're my boss
29:46so if I'm not doing
29:48a good job
29:48then it's actually
29:49your fault
29:50I see
29:52well
29:52I was hoping to avoid this
29:54but unfortunately
29:54there's only one thing
29:55left for me to do
29:56fire Bert
29:56exactly
29:57I knew this was
30:03going to happen
30:03you know
30:04I don't even
30:04don't burn your bridges
30:05Bert
30:05leave gracefully
30:06man
30:09okay
30:10where were we
30:11the quarterly
30:12right
30:13the quarterly
30:13sir
30:14sir
30:14everyone please
30:15open up their books
30:15to page 3
30:16it's like a simple move
30:22imagine like 50 legs
30:23like this
30:24see now
30:26that doesn't look so good
30:27now but like
30:27if you have
30:27the rest of my dancers
30:28that I have a crew
30:29you are now watching
30:32mad tv
30:34man
30:35oh thank you
30:39for coming to the
30:40tar room
30:40come back again soon
30:42you forgot the candy
30:43cigarettes for the baby
30:44table for two please
30:47no smoking
30:48or chain smoking
30:49actually we wanted
30:51non-smoking
30:51well the non-smoking
30:53table is occupied
30:55but I can seat you
30:57immediately in smoking
30:58oh we'll just leave
31:00then my wife has
31:01asthma
31:01oh so do I
31:03that's why I gave up
31:04the decathlon
31:04any sign of your
31:09blind date yet
31:09how should I
31:10now I've never seen
31:11him
31:11I don't know what
31:12he looks like
31:13ah damn
31:15I'm out of cigarettes
31:16I'm gonna go get
31:17the kitchen carton
31:17good evening
31:21good evening
31:22ah
31:23Felicia
31:24an island name
31:26I own a well
31:27on an island
31:27table for one
31:29ah
31:30no no no no no
31:30contraire contraire
31:31I'm here to meet
31:32my blind date
31:33I'll know her
31:34when I see her
31:35she's a vivacious
31:36young brunette
31:37smoker
31:38doesn't enjoy long
31:39walks
31:39oh
31:41right this way sir
31:42oh
31:43thank you
31:45you're welcome
31:46Felicia
31:52who's the leather
31:53skin brown to the
31:54yellow-fingered prize
31:55whip it
31:55I think it's your
31:58blind date
31:58oh Felicia
32:00you take over
32:01excuse me
32:12you wouldn't have
32:13never lied for a
32:14vivacious young
32:16brunette
32:16smoker who doesn't
32:18enjoy long walks
32:19but of course
32:21but of course
32:23please please
32:27well
32:28hello hello
32:29hello
32:30my name is
32:33Reginald
32:33Sir Reginald
32:34Rawley
32:34but you can
32:36call me
32:36Skipper
32:37I think I
32:43found my new
32:44flame
32:44and I believe
32:45I'm about to
32:46make an ash
32:46of myself
32:47I'm
32:53Jewel
32:53Barone
32:54ah Jewel
32:55so what is it
32:55that you do
32:56Jewel
32:56besides sparkle
32:57in the night
32:57I own this
32:58place
32:59the only place
33:00left in town
33:00where you can
33:01smoke before
33:01eating or
33:02after eating
33:03or while
33:04eating
33:05instead of
33:06eating
33:06that's curious
33:08I thought smoking
33:09was illegal in
33:10restaurants
33:10oh it is
33:12but I didn't
33:13think anyone
33:13would notice
33:14so tell me
33:16so tell me
33:17tell me about
33:17yourself
33:18Reginald
33:19well I'm
33:20transplant
33:21from where
33:22Virginia
33:23ah the
33:24holy land
33:25so what
33:28brings you to
33:28Los Angeles
33:29besides the
33:30clean air
33:30well my work
33:32I uh
33:33I
33:35I can't lie
33:38to you Jewel
33:38I'm a health
33:40inspector
33:41what a bitter
33:43twist of fate
33:44I was told
33:46that this place
33:47was in
33:47flagrant
33:47violation
33:47of the
33:48anti-smoking
33:48logs
33:49I've been
33:49sent here
33:50to shut
33:50you down
33:51Jewel
33:51I'm
33:52sorry
33:53look
33:56this isn't
33:57a black
33:57date
33:58it's all
33:59just a
33:59smokescreen
34:00I knew
34:01it was
34:01too good
34:02to be
34:02true
34:02I hate
34:04you
34:04you'll
34:04never
34:05take me
34:05alive
34:06copper
34:06Jewel
34:07Jewel
34:08Jewel
34:09that
34:09stop
34:12stop
34:13come back
34:13Jewel
34:14okay
34:16I wasn't
34:16gonna make
34:17it anyway
34:17slap the
34:20cuffs on
34:20me
34:20and take
34:21me to
34:21prison
34:21I can't
34:23arrest you
34:23Jewel
34:23I've fallen
34:24in love
34:25with you
34:25put a
34:27stain on
34:27my heart
34:28and spotted
34:29my lung
34:29stop
34:31blowing smoke
34:32up my
34:32ask yourself
34:33Jewel
34:33could a
34:35health
34:35inspector
34:35do this
34:37other
34:39natural
34:44born
34:44smoker
34:45yes
34:46cigarettes
34:48on the
34:48house
34:48yes
34:49cigarettes
34:50on the
34:50house
34:51smoke
34:52you
34:52have
34:52to
34:52give
34:53you
35:53All right, all right.
35:56I hereby bring this meeting of the town council of Burke Falls to order.
36:00Madam Secretary, do we have an unresolved business from last month's meeting?
36:04Yes, we do.
36:05Lucas was going to find out if we could get something other than orange sherbet for this year's Labor Day picnic.
36:10What, with it being eight years in a row, we keep getting stuck with orange sherbet.
36:12All right, all right.
36:13Lucas?
36:14Okay, um, well, I went up to Bennett's and I talked to Roger and he said we could have orange sherbet or strawberry sherbet, but not both.
36:21Oh, the Bennett's have enough sherbet to go around.
36:25All right, settle down.
36:26Settle down.
36:27We might as well decide this right now.
36:28How many want to try strawberry?
36:32And how many want to stick with the orange?
36:37Orange it is.
36:41It's so damn funny, Ray.
36:43Nothing.
36:44Now for our treasurer's report.
36:46Denise?
36:47Mr. Chairman, members of the council, it is my sad duty to report that the first annual Burke's Falls said with Aluminum Festival was a complete failure.
36:55No kidding.
36:57In fact, he lost over $220, leaving us with a balance of just $121.40.
37:05Can I say something?
37:07Chair recognize Mr. Carl Simmons?
37:08The way I see it, we got to figure a way of bringing more tourists to Burke Falls.
37:14Here we go again.
37:15Now, will you hear Sheprey and let him finish?
37:17You look at Bentley.
37:19They got tourists coming through there all summer long, and why?
37:22Because they got them two reptile museums.
37:24Well, they also had that little Marshall girl who got her arm caught in a thresher, which got him on CNN.
37:32I admit that was a stroke of luck on that part, but the fact is we still got to figure a way to bring in some tourists.
37:38Yeah.
37:38What exactly are you suggesting, Carl?
37:41Well, I was watching the Tony Awards on the television the other night, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
37:47What we need to do is get ourselves a bunch of gay peoples.
37:51Gay people.
37:52Gay people is fun, interesting, they're full of pizzazz, and that's exactly what this town lacks.
37:56Now, are gay people the ones that are attracted to bright lights and shiny objects?
38:01Jenny Duncan went up to New York City that one time, and she said the place was just practically crawling with gay people.
38:09And New York City is one of the tourist capitals of the world.
38:13There you go.
38:14There you go.
38:15Look, it is not a question of whether gay people is interested or not, Carl.
38:19Any fool knows that.
38:20Look, the problem is, how are we going to get gay people to move here to Berks Falls?
38:25Oh, are they the ones that like water?
38:28No, they're afraid of water.
38:32Jenny also said they have these bathhouses all over New York City, and the gays just love them.
38:37Oh.
38:38Well, if it's water they like, we could just build them up a little place by the lake.
38:41Oh, yeah, we could give them their own little colony with some bridges and some fish and, like, a margarita bar or something.
38:49Jenny also saw a Broadway show called Rent, and she said it was nothing but gays on stage just running around having the time of their lives.
38:56Well, I hope you don't know.
38:57Now I remember.
38:58Gays are the ones who like getting all dressed up and putting on all those skits.
39:03Tourists do like skits that much I do know.
39:06All right, you know, I think Carl is on to something here.
39:08Look, we ain't got a snowball's chance in Havana of getting no gay people to relocate to Berks Falls.
39:14Oh, and why's that, Ray?
39:15Yeah, Ray, since when you become such an authority on where gay people choose to locate themselves.
39:20Because I happen to know that gay people are partial to pastel colors.
39:24So?
39:26So look around you.
39:28Every building within 50 miles of here is either brown or gray.
39:32Well, just paint them up.
39:34Really?
39:35Really?
39:35That's a good idea.
39:36And how are we going to pay for all that paint with not but $121.40 in the kitty, hmm?
39:44Anything to be contrary, right, Ray?
39:47Call facing the facts, Lucas.
39:49Some of us ain't afraid to face the facts.
39:52Well, call me crazy, but how about we just paint up the post office?
39:56Hey, that's a good idea, Carl.
39:58We could paint her a nice pink or something.
40:00The gays would love that.
40:01That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
40:02Well, I say we vote on it, all right?
40:07How many people here are in favor of painting up the post office pink so we can attract to some gay people?
40:16And how many want to just leave it the way it is?
40:19I guess we're just going to leave it the way it is.
40:25Yeah, I guess we'll...
40:26Now, what's so funny, Ray?
40:30When are you people going to start facing the facts?
40:34Burks Falls is a nothing little town, and it's always going to be a nothing little town.
40:39I want a re-vote.
40:41On what?
40:42On the Labor Day picnic.
40:44Orange or strawberry sherbet?
40:45Oh, please!
40:46Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, we will re-vote.
40:57How many want to stick with the orange sherbet we've had all these years?
41:01Hmm.
41:03And how many want to try strawberry?
41:06Oh.
41:07Well, well, well, well, and strawberry it is.
41:11Ha, ha, ha, ha.
41:12Time to face the facts, Ray.
41:14Things are changing right here, whether you like it or not.
41:16Mm-hmm.
41:17Okay.
41:17Oh, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
41:29Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
41:29Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
41:29Well, that's our show for tonight, everyone.
41:47I had a blast.
41:48I hope you all did, too.
41:49And I'd like to thank the cast, say good night,
41:52and keep on watching MADtv, because when you watch MADtv,
41:55the TV's mad.
41:56Peace.
41:57I'm out.
41:59I'm out.
42:00I'm out.
42:01I love you.
42:05Go.
42:26I love you.
42:27I'm probably going to get a big lump of coal in my stocking this year, but I'm just doing my job, you know.
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