MADtv S02E12

Mad TV

Season 2 Episode 12  madtv reality playboy

Transcript

00:00On the next MADtv, sit back and relax.

00:05That wasn't me, it was the couch.

00:09And Rodney finally gets respect.

00:12My wife, she got plastic surgery.

00:14Yeah, I cut up her credit cards.

00:16The other day she told me she needs $5,000.

00:19All her mother's teeth have to come out.

00:21I told her I'll give you $10,000, take her tongue out.

00:25Next on MADtv.

00:26You are now watching MADtv.

00:30You are now watching MADtv.

00:36MAD!

00:39Hey, welcome to X News.

00:46I am Amy.

00:47And I am Marsh.

00:49Our top story.

00:51Californians continue to wrestle with Proposition 209,

00:54the state initiative that would eliminate affirmative action

00:57and the hiring of minorities based on quotas.

01:00Folks, here's the deal with 209, okay?

01:03Being a minority isn't as easy as it looks.

01:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08I mean, if you're an African American,

01:10you used to have to ride on the back of the bus, okay?

01:14Do you have any idea what that's like?

01:16I do.

01:17I've done it.

01:18And it sucks.

01:19It is, like, way bumpier back there.

01:22And, um, you gotta, like, ride next to the bathroom

01:25for, like, nine hours

01:27all the way to the Grand Canyon

01:29with your mom totally throwing me down on you.

01:32Yeah, yeah.

01:33And, you know, if you're Jewish,

01:35people mock you just because you gotta wear

01:36one of those harmonicas on your head.

01:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40And, um, okay, hello?

01:42What are the chances of us seeing an Asian president

01:45other than in Asia?

01:48Exactly.

01:49And you know what?

01:50I got this black friend, Terry,

01:52who's, like, super smart.

01:54Terry's not black.

01:55Yeah, he is.

01:55No, he's not.

01:56Then what is he?

01:57He's Cuban.

01:58He told me he was black.

01:59He's probably drunk.

02:01Oh.

02:03I got this drunk Cuban friend named Terry

02:05who's, like,

02:06Shut up, shut up, shut up.

02:07I got a real black friend, um, Alex.

02:09And, um, whenever he goes, like,

02:11to shop at the mall,

02:12they just, like, follow him around

02:13because they just assume

02:14that he's gonna seal something.

02:16Dude, dude, that happens to me

02:17all the time, too.

02:18Dude, dude, you do steal stuff.

02:20Yeah, yeah.

02:21They don't know that

02:22and they still treat me like I'm a black.

02:27Oh.

02:29No, no, no.

02:30Uh, that would be the news.

02:33Uh, this would be for you, Marsh.

02:35Wait, no, no.

02:36Oh, ho, shit!

02:36Oh!

02:38Yeah!

02:51Woo!

02:52Woo!

02:53Woo!

02:53Yeah!

02:54Come on, yeah!

02:56Yeah!

02:56Uh, come on, come on!

02:58Man!

02:59Uh, come on!

03:00Yeah!

03:01Uh, come on, come on!

03:03Ah!

03:04Hey, you're so crazy

03:09Hey, you're so crazy

03:28Hey, you've got me gone

03:31Hey, you're my love that you're mad TV

03:40Hey, everybody, and welcome to a fabulous hour of television we like to call mad TV.

03:53Yeah, and now a little respect for Mr. Rodney Dangerfield.

03:58What a crowd, what a crowd.

04:14Okay, okay, okay.

04:24Now, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, you know?

04:31Last week I took my wife to a drive-in movie.

04:33I spent the whole night trying to find out what car she was in.

04:37Well, my wife is always...

04:39The other night I was sleeping, she started to say sexy things.

04:43I looked up, she was on the phone.

04:45So I'll tell you, when I met my wife, I wanted sex no worse way, and I got it.

04:53My wife was never nice, but I had diabetes, she kept sending me candy grams.

05:03My dentist too, that's another one.

05:05My teeth were all getting yellow, he told me to wear a brown necktie.

05:09That's the story of my life.

05:11No respect.

05:12I don't get no respect at all.

05:13You're kidding.

05:14I was crossing the street, I was hit by a bookmobile.

05:23I was laying there in pain, moaning.

05:25The guy went, shh.

05:27I don't get no respect from anyone.

05:31I joined Gamblers Anonymous.

05:32They gave me two to one, I don't make it.

05:34It was the same thing when I was a kid.

05:38No respect.

05:39Well, my yo-yo.

05:40It never came back.

05:42I was in the park, I had no friends.

05:44I remember the seesaw.

05:45I had to keep running from one end to the other, you know?

05:49My old man, he didn't help either.

05:51The time I asked me, old man, how can I get my kite in the air?

05:54He told me to run off a cliff.

05:57Well, folks, we've got a great show for you.

05:59Stick around, I'll see you later, okay?

06:09Outstanding!

06:12Oh, man!

06:13You are now watching Mad TV!

06:25No, thank you very much.

06:27Okay, bye-bye.

06:28Well, there's another magazine that wants to do a cover story.

06:31Now that we've got the Cervante guy attached to our benefit album, we've got more publicity than we can handle.

06:36And from what I hear, the kids love him.

06:38His last CD sold over five million copies.

06:40I'm telling you, we're gonna have another We Are The World on our hands.

06:43Yep.

06:44He's here, sir.

06:45Oh, good.

06:46Send him in.

06:47Hey!

06:48What's up?

06:49What's up?

06:50Cervante, it is an honor to meet you.

06:51I'm a really big fan.

06:53That goes ditto for me-o, bro.

06:57I hear you're really hot stuff.

06:59Yeah, all right, cool.

07:00Whatever.

07:01Yo, let's get this bumpin', all right?

07:03Oh, yeah, sure.

07:04Well, as you know, this is a benefit album for children with ECS.

07:08That's Expanded Cranium Syndrome.

07:10Yeah, yeah.

07:11For real, though.

07:12That's cool.

07:13You know, I think it's beautiful what y'all doing for those little fat-haired kids.

07:16Oh, um, Cervante, we really don't like to refer to them as fat-heads.

07:21Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth, we all express ourselves differently.

07:24It's okay.

07:25So, uh, anyway, the kind of song that we're looking for here is-

07:28Hey, man, don't even trip on that.

07:30I already got you some.

07:31Oh, wow.

07:32Great, yeah.

07:33Wonderful.

07:34Right.

07:35Check this out.

07:39Cervante.

07:40Representing a nice seven.

07:43Every single day and every single week.

07:46Girl, I'll hold you close and have you suck my freak.

07:50And then I'll freak you suck and then you'll suck my freak again.

07:53Then we'll freak and suck and suck and freak to girl I don't know where.

07:57Suck and freak.

07:58Freak and suck.

07:59Okay, okay, okay.

08:00Suck and freak.

08:01Okay, okay, okay.

08:02That's, um, wow.

08:03Suck your freak.

08:04That's, that's catchy.

08:05It's really catchy.

08:07Um, and I really like that suck thing.

08:09But I, I, I do have one question.

08:11Do you think that's the kind of message we want to be sending out to children with, uh,

08:15expanded cranium syndrome?

08:16Hmm.

08:17Hmm.

08:18Hmm.

08:19Hmm.

08:20Hmm.

08:21Yeah.

08:22What I'm trying to say here is that although the kids might like the sucking of the freak,

08:26uh, we have to consider the parents who may not be as comfortable with the sucking and

08:30freaking aspects.

08:31Uh, yeah.

08:32The parents.

08:33Yeah.

08:34Yeah.

08:35Word.

08:36Yeah.

08:37You can't forget about the parents.

08:38Right.

08:39Right.

08:40Right.

08:41Yeah.

08:42Check this out.

08:43The best single mothers in the world.

08:44See you.

08:45My baby mama like to get down.

08:50She get nasty like a skeezer.

08:54Yeah.

08:55I smack her pretty bunch with my symphony son.

09:00Better just leave it to beaver.

09:04Beaver.

09:05Well.

09:08I call that one.

09:09Let me guess.

09:10Um, leave it to beaver.

09:11No.

09:12All in the family.

09:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's up?

09:15What?

09:16What, you don't like it?

09:17No, no, no, I like it.

09:18I, I love it.

09:19It's just that, you know what I was, I was thinking, Stuart, what was I thinking?

09:21Uh, well, you were thinking that, uh, you were on the train, everything was going

09:26fine, and then somewhere you got off track.

09:28Uh, yes.

09:29Tay, Tay, Tay, Tay.

09:30We, we have to consider the parents of these poor afflicted children.

09:33Uh, we want to give them a song that, that gives them hope.

09:36A, hope?

09:37Yeah!

09:38Y'all looking for something like on the inspirational tip?

09:40Oh.

09:41Want me to kick it real?

09:42That's it, exactly.

09:43Kick it real.

09:44Kick it?

09:45Back up!

09:48Y'all gonna love this.

09:56There comes a time, when the harsh winds start to blow.

10:02And we all must come together, to keep away the cold.

10:08Yeah.

10:09Just you and me, your sister and your mama, bumping in the snow.

10:19My hands are full, my mouth is full.

10:22I got ass everywhere I go.

10:26I got ass everywhere I go.

10:28I got ass everywhere I go.

10:29I got ass everywhere I go.

10:33I got ass everywhere I go.

10:34I got ass everywhere I go.

10:36I got ass everywhere

10:51Alright.

10:52We'll go with Suck My Freak.

10:55Yeah!

10:56Alright team, let's do it!

10:58Okay!

10:59Suck Freak!

11:00Suck Freak!

11:02Suck Freak!

11:03Suck Freak!

11:04Suck Freak!

11:05Suck Freak!

11:07Suck Freak!

11:08Suck Freak!

11:09Suck Freak!

11:22And this is a king of the time!

11:27I will have you ever heard of?

11:31That is the king!

11:35I really don't know if I would like to start.

11:38I don't know.

12:08Hello, and welcome to the X News. I am Amy.

12:15And I'm Marsh.

12:16Our top story.

12:19Local anchor person, Marsh,

12:21set race relations back like 400 years with a stupid comment

12:26he made just days ago on this program.

12:28For more on that story, here is Marsh.

12:33Hello. I am the aforementioned Marsh.

12:35The recent statement made by this reporter in our last broadcast

12:39does not represent the views of X News or its affiliates and shareholders

12:42and was misconstrued and taken out of context.

12:45If I have inadvertently heard or offended any individuals with said comment,

12:48I am sorry. Please stop calling.

12:51It's true, it's true, it's true.

12:52Folks, he's totally missing that part of your brain

12:55that allows you to, like, edit a stupid comment, like, here,

12:59before it comes out, like, here,

13:02and then, like, hangs, like, a dark cloud of idiotness

13:06in front of his stupid face.

13:07Yeah, yeah, it's totally true, but what I was trying to say is that...

13:11Stop and think.

13:15That I have, like,

13:22a million black...

13:23Think, think.

13:26...friends.

13:26Yes!

13:30But look, look, it's true, it's true.

13:33I mean, like, black people really like to hang out with me, okay?

13:36And for, like, a lot of black people, I am their only white friend.

13:39So, so, here to prove that I'm not just making that up

13:42is, is, is my friend Carol.

13:44Yeah, rock and roll Carol, baby.

13:46Hey, Carol, see you here.

13:48Come on, I mean, I know we hang out all the time and all,

13:50but it's good that you could be here with me.

13:52Okay, so, um, like, I wouldn't say something racist, would I?

13:56Well, okay, um, let me explain something about Marsh.

14:00Marsh has got this really great heart.

14:02It's just that sometimes he opens his mouth

14:04and he doesn't even think about what he's saying.

14:06Yeah, I just told him about the dark cloud thing.

14:07Oh, you did?

14:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.

14:08Okay, okay, well, let me just say this, okay,

14:10that in this day and age, it's really important

14:13that we be able to differentiate between a slip of the tongue

14:16and a really malicious comment, okay?

14:19Now, that being said, let me also say that words can hurt.

14:23Right on, sister!

14:24Yes, yes, yes.

14:24Now, as a young African-American woman, okay,

14:27I have experienced racism on a far more insidious level.

14:31You must, like, get hassled all the time, right?

14:33Sometimes.

14:34Yeah, see?

14:35See?

14:35And she doesn't talk like a black person.

14:40What?

14:41No, no, no, no!

14:42No, I mean, she doesn't talk like an African-American!

14:44No!

14:45No!

14:46No, no!

14:47No!

14:48No!

14:49No!

14:50No!

14:51No!

15:04Hello, Todd.

15:05Hi, Todd.

15:06So, Vicky, tell me, how was your big day last night?

15:09I picked him up.

15:10He made me pay for dinner.

15:12Then he stole my car and left me in a ditch.

15:14It was the longest relationship I've had this year.

15:16Vicky.

15:16Frank, uh, shouldn't you be at a wedding right now?

15:27As I was standing at the altar, I saw the edge of the abyss.

15:30I saw children with their eyes stood shut, their features sanded off, their screams massed

15:37by a veil of brutal indifference.

15:40So I, uh, called off the wedding.

15:42Good for you.

15:43Now you'll have more time to tour with Up With People.

15:48I want my job back, please.

15:50Thanks for listening, Bodine.

15:52Bye.

15:53Now you go back, please.

15:54We'll be right back, please.

16:04Bye.

16:11Bye.

16:11Frank, um, I want to talk to you about the article you just turned in.

16:24You mean maggots devour the innocent?

16:26Yeah, good stuff.

16:28However, the assignment was weekend fun in San Francisco.

16:32Jack, you see Golden Gate Park in all its majesty.

16:37I see hundreds of shallow graves.

16:40It's my gift.

16:40It's my curse.

16:42My gift?

16:43My curse?

16:44Is that the new R.E.M. single?

16:46Um, excuse us, Frank.

16:48Gosh.

16:52We have got to do something about Frank.

16:55Get him to loosen up, eh?

16:58Hey, you guys think of what I'm thinking?

17:02Surprise party!

17:03Yeah, great idea.

17:04I'll get a male stripper and a chip and dance dancer.

17:06And Vicky, how is that going to help Frank?

17:09Frank who?

17:10Listen, I will get the music.

17:12Vicky, you take care of the cake.

17:14And then Todd will get the balloons.

17:16Okay?

17:19Oh my God!

17:22Todd!

17:22Well, now who's going to get the balloons?

17:25Todd saw the killer as he died.

17:31The killer is directing his hatred towards a world in which he's trapped, reduced, objectified.

17:36Oh, come on, Frank.

17:38Todd was a rock critic.

17:40Who wasn't trying to kill him?

17:41Todd's history.

17:43The important thing is that you learn how to have some fun.

17:46Yeah, Frank.

17:46Loosen up.

17:48What are you doing tomorrow night?

17:49Well, after, uh, alphabetizing my collection of autopsy photographs, I'll be at the coroner's office weighing brains.

17:55Uh, no.

17:56Oh, Frank, you've got to, um...

17:58Work on your article.

17:59Yeah, here at the office.

18:01Tomorrow night.

18:02Yes, yes, of course.

18:03All right.

18:05But I hope this isn't some kind of ruse to throw a surprise party for me.

18:08He doesn't suspect a thing.

18:14As I smell the acrid stench of burnt bodies, the clouds rain blood, and I'm awash in the horror.

18:19The horror of existence.

18:22Get well soon, Aunt Gertie.

18:24Love, Frank.

18:27Jack, don't.

18:28Huh?

18:29What?

18:33Oh, great.

18:35He scratched the paint.

18:36I'll have to get the whole thing redone.

18:39He's not going to stop, Jack.

18:41Not until he washes the decay and putrefaction out of this foul wasteland.

18:46But what about tough-to-get-out stains like grass and ketchup?

18:51There's a pattern here.

18:52These killings are related.

18:53Oh, there you go again, Frank.

18:54Finding conspiracies everywhere.

18:57If I freaked out every time somebody on the staff died, I'd never get anything done.

19:01Which, uh, reminds me, now is a good time to get the cake for Ank phrase,

19:06Art-He-Pay?

19:07Call a A-Pay.

19:08Uh-huh.

19:09Can I lose this parking space?

19:19Hello?

19:21Hello?

19:22Things that go bump?

19:25Excuse me, dead guy.

19:26Oh.

19:27Cool.

19:34A Jonestown reunion.

19:42Oh, no, Jack.

19:44This is terrible.

19:45This is tragic.

19:47Now I'll never get that parking space.

19:49My welcome back, Cotter.

19:52Mouse pad.

19:53There's blood and pus all over a horse shack.

19:58Ah!

19:59Oh.

20:00Hi, Mr. Appear out of the shadows and almost gonna be a coronary.

20:03This should have been done a long time ago.

20:05You see, Vicky, people like you are the first signs of the apocalypse.

20:17Mm-hmm.

20:18Shallow, smoke, superficial parasites, with your insufferable pop culture references

20:23that mass creatures devoid of compassion, intellect, and soul.

20:28That's why the Millennium Group has been sent to destroy you and the entire must-see TV lineup.

20:41Cue Laugh Track.

20:51Coming up on MADtv.

20:53In your movies, you're so vulgar and boorish.

20:56I'd love that in a man.

20:57You know what I like in a woman?

20:59No.

21:00Me.

21:06I would never poop in public.

21:10MAD!

21:27Welcome!

21:39This is Cabana Jack, and this is Dixie Wentworth.

21:45A big hand, if you will, for our dark duke of the drums, Dexter St. Clair.

22:00Hey, Miss Dixie.

22:01Is it just me or you dressed as Popeye?

22:09Girl, I am Popeye.

22:10I always eat spinach, and I'm strong to the finish.

22:13Oh, just don't tell me you're looking for olive oil.

22:17Oh, no, too messy.

22:18Miss Dixie, I forgot to tell you I'm going on a sea cruise.

22:21I believe cruise is the operative word here.

22:24It's on a real live love hook, Miss Dixie.

22:27You know, like from the television show?

22:28Oh, tell Stoopy hello for me.

22:31Tell him Dixie misses her little Captain Hook.

22:36Miss Dixie, Captain Stoopy didn't have no hook.

22:38You just have to know where to look.

22:40Oh, Miss Dixie, you're just too nasty.

22:46I know.

22:47I blame it on the medication.

22:49I went to Mishima's this morning to have my ankles re-boned,

22:52but I only had time for the anesthesia.

22:56Oh, well.

22:58Be a doll and play in our special guest,

23:01the incorrigibly cuddly Rodney Dangerfield.

23:04Oh!

23:08Welcome to Cabana Chat.

23:21Oh, thank you, honey.

23:22Nice being here, you know.

23:23Hey, Dixie, let me ask you something.

23:25Did you ever work for an escort service from Pittsburgh?

23:28No, that was my twin sister Glynnis,

23:31but anything is possible if the price is right.

23:36Oh, shit!

23:37Oh, shit!

23:39Come on.

23:42Rodney, in your movies, you're so vulgar and boorish.

23:46I love that in a man.

23:48You know what I like in a woman?

23:50No.

23:50Me!

23:51Me!

24:00Easily arranged, my comedic Casanova.

24:02Oh, I can do all right here if I play my cards wrong.

24:07Rodney, you keep me on my toes.

24:09I'm good.

24:10I hope you like the new position.

24:15Look at me.

24:15I'm setting up jokes for Rodney Dangerfield.

24:18Well, please stop, Miss Dixon,

24:19because between you and Rodney,

24:21I've had my fill of rim shots.

24:22I'm sure you haven't, Dexter.

24:28Rodney, I've never had plastic surgery.

24:30No, but my wife, my wife, she got plastic surgery.

24:34Yeah, I cut up her credit cards.

24:35Oh!

24:36My wife, you're kidding.

24:39The other day, she told me she needs $5,000.

24:41All her mother's teeth have to come out.

24:43I told her, I'll give you $10,000,

24:45take her tongue out.

24:48Rodney, you are such a little daredevil.

24:50Oh, I'm so glad you two have hit it off.

24:53Of course, Dexter has a soft spot for older men.

24:56Well, maybe soft spot isn't exactly the right term.

25:03Well, I love gay guys, you're kidding.

25:05I got a cousin who's gay.

25:07When he went to London, he was so disappointed.

25:09He found out Big Ben was a clock.

25:13Big Ben is a clock?

25:15No!

25:16No!

25:21Hey, where's Pullmore?

25:24God, Dexter, I knew this would happen.

25:27It's the medication.

25:28Quickly, bring him out.

25:30Ah!

25:31I'm sorry, I'm heavily medicated.

25:42So?

25:44Come on, Bullboy, cheer up, will you?

25:46Okay.

25:47Ah!

25:49That was easy.

25:51Rodney, what's new in Dangerville?

25:53Well, I have a new movie that's out now.

25:55Oh, yeah.

25:55Just opened this weekend.

25:57It's called Meet Wally Sparks.

25:59And it's not funny.

26:00It's freaking funny.

26:02Oh!

26:03And like you, Wally Spark hosts his own talk show.

26:06Oh, sounds delicious.

26:07Hey, Dixie, I got a little clip.

26:10Can I show it to you?

26:11Oh, I love aggressive men.

26:13You can show me a little clip later,

26:15after we see the scene from your movie.

26:16Ladies and gentlemen,

26:23Rodney Dangerfield and Meet Wally Sparks.

26:31What a party.

26:33Looks like the unhappy hour.

26:39Hi, you come here often?

26:42Don't worry, honey, I'm not making a play for you.

26:44I don't want this guy.

26:46Oh, I'm sorry.

27:03It's quite a night, huh?

27:05Certainly is it.

27:06Yeah.

27:07Yeah.

27:16Why, just the other day,

27:26Dexter and I were saying

27:27there aren't enough stone penises in movies.

27:30Hey, I'm just trying to fill a void, that's all.

27:34Me too.

27:36Hey, hey, Rodney Dangerfield,

27:38I have a question for you.

27:40All right, go ahead.

27:40Okay, say you're dancing with a girl,

27:43you know, like slow dancing,

27:44and then you find out

27:44that it's really a guy dressed up as a girl.

27:46Well, my question is,

27:47should you let him lead?

27:52Now I know why tigers eat their young.

27:56Don't mind Bullboy.

27:58He's not operating on all cylinders.

28:00The other day,

28:01he said he would have bought Easter seals,

28:03but he didn't know what to feed them.

28:04But enough about Bullboy.

28:12Rodney, I'd love to see your film.

28:14Can you get me a good seat?

28:15Hey, Dixie,

28:17you already got a good seat.

28:21Hey, hey, hey,

28:23I wish I wasn't Dixie.

28:25Hooray, hooray.

28:26Oh, moisture.

28:29And on that note,

28:30thank you, Rodney Dangerfield.

28:32This has been Cabana Chat,

28:33and this

28:34is Dixie Wetsworth.

28:38Oh, boy, dance.

28:54It's part of the beauty

28:55that goes into Mad TV.

28:57It involves dying.

28:59It involves curling.

29:00It involves dress,

29:01which is more important

29:02than funny sometimes.

29:06You are now watching Mad TV.

29:10Mad!

29:18Hey, welcome to X News.

29:20I am Amy.

29:21And I am Carol.

29:22And these are the stories

29:23we'll be following.

29:24NASA launches a space probe to Mars.

29:27Wildfires continue to rage

29:28out of control

29:29in the Sierra Madre.

29:30And an Alzheimer's breakthrough

29:32at UC Irvine.

29:33Hello, Carol.

29:34Nice work.

29:35Welcome aboard.

29:36Thank you very much, Amy.

29:37Ooh, love the necklace, girl.

29:38Well, thank you, Carol.

29:39You're very welcome.

29:40Okay, these stories

29:42plus our five-day forecast

29:43from our new weather person,

29:45March.

29:49March!

29:49It's going to get wet

29:56and it's going to get harsh.

29:58That's a sure bet

29:59from your licensed meteorologist,

30:02March.

30:06Well done, March!

30:08Nice jacket.

30:09Could you look any more gay?

30:12Well, I'm Carol,

30:18and I'll see you next time

30:19on X News.

30:21Oh!

30:23No!

30:23Eat it!

30:24Eat it!

30:25I don't want to go!

30:37Yes, sir.

30:38Yes, sir.

30:38Right away.

30:39No, I have not had a chance

30:40to do that, but I will.

30:41What happened was

30:43the files got lost

30:44and I found them.

30:45They're just pretty unorganized.

30:47It's been so backed up

30:47and crazy.

30:48Yeah, right away.

30:49No, I will.

30:49Absolutely.

30:49And I'll call you

30:50as soon as I get that done.

30:51Yes, sir.

30:52I'll make sure.

30:53I'm not sure.

30:54He's kind of a...

30:55Yeah.

30:56Excuse me.

30:57My name is William Preston.

30:58My confirmation code

30:59is X34C24.

31:01I'll be right with you, sir.

31:02Just one moment.

31:02Lovely.

31:03My confirmation code

31:04is still X34C24.

31:06My name is William Preston.

31:08I just need five seconds, sir.

31:09If you give me five seconds,

31:10I'll be right with you.

31:11Five, four, three, two, one.

31:14I'm going to need to call you back.

31:15I'm sorry, sir.

31:16I have to call you back.

31:16Goodbye.

31:18Excuse me.

31:19That was my boss.

31:20Yes, well, I'm the customer here.

31:21For the time being,

31:22I am your boss.

31:23Very well.

31:24How may I help you, sir?

31:26Officer, I have the Bavarian Motor Works

31:27Z3.

31:28Z as in zebra,

31:29three as in three,

31:30the James Bond car.

31:33Yes, sir.

31:33Your BMW is ready.

31:34It'll be out

31:35in just a couple minutes.

31:36Why don't you have a seat

31:36and make yourself comfortable?

31:37Yes.

31:38Why don't you do your work

31:39more expediently?

31:51That wasn't me.

31:51It was the couch.

31:53The couch.

31:54Certainly, sir.

31:55No, really.

31:56It wasn't me.

31:57It was the couch.

31:58I was standing here

32:00speaking with you.

32:02I walked here

32:03and sat like so.

32:08It's hideous.

32:10Slide a little.

32:12That's, I think that's it.

32:14Ah, maybe.

32:16Sir, it's really no big deal.

32:17Well, it is to me.

32:18I would never poot in public.

32:20I have one foot here,

32:23I believe,

32:23and it's a slide.

32:24Come, now.

32:31Give it to...

32:33I put my leg up here.

32:33Sir, I believe you.

32:35I believe it was the couch.

32:36Oh, you do?

32:37Yes, I do.

32:37Oh, lovely.

32:39Thank you very much.

32:40Although that couch

32:41has been in this office

32:42for five years,

32:42and that is the first time

32:43I've ever heard it

32:44make that noise, but...

32:45It was not me.

32:47It was the couch.

32:48I was sitting,

32:49and I...

32:50I...

32:51straight.

32:52I'm going to take the car.

32:53Give it to me.

32:55Give it to me.

32:56Come on.

32:57Come on.

33:08Ah.

33:10Yes.

33:11Finally.

33:13Yes.

33:15Yes.

33:16Yes.

33:17Yes.

33:21It wasn't me.

33:22It was the couch.

33:24And my kids complain about me.

33:28At least I step out

33:30onto the porch.

33:31You don't understand.

33:33Where were you?

33:34It made that noise again.

33:36Well, let me guess.

33:36It happened when I was

33:37out of the room.

33:37Yes.

33:38Yes, I was.

33:38Yeah.

33:39I was here, I believe.

33:40Okay.

33:41Sir?

33:41Sir, your car is ready.

33:43I do not care about the car.

33:44I care about the noise.

33:46I think...

33:46Let's get a wide base.

33:48It was the couch.

33:49Yes.

33:50It was the couch.

33:51It wasn't...

33:52It wasn't me.

33:53It was the couch.

34:02It wasn't me.

34:18I'm glad you cleared that off.

34:24Okay.

34:26Have a nice day.

34:34You are free.

34:35You are not watching Mav TV.

34:55You're going to be a comedy show.

35:00Sorry, I'm late.

35:01I was just working out.

35:02Sorry, running late.

35:03Just working out at the gym.

35:04Hey, Hubie, sorry I'm late, honey.

35:05I was just working out at the gym.

35:06How's it look?

35:07Just kidding.

35:08You look great, honey.

35:09Thanks, thanks.

35:10So have you ordered yet?

35:10No, I was waiting for you.

35:11Oh, you should have gone right ahead.

35:12Actually, I'm not even hungry.

35:13You know what?

35:13Endorphins lower your appetite.

35:15Yeah.

35:15Hi, how you doing?

35:16Can I take your order?

35:17Oh, go.

35:17You are.

35:18Go, go, go.

35:18Yeah.

35:18Okay.

35:19All right.

35:19Let me start with the French onion soup.

35:21Okay.

35:22Then I'll get the surf and turf platter.

35:23No scallops and medium well.

35:25No scallops and medium well.

35:26And for you?

35:27Actually, I brought my own lunch.

35:28If you could heat that up on high for two minutes, rotate it, then on medium for 45 to 50 seconds.

35:33In addition, I would like a small cup of ketchup for dipping, half a lemon, a paring knife,

35:38one almond cut into 16ths, a breadstick, not sesame, and could you fill this up with distilled

35:42water?

35:43No, I think.

35:44Okay.

35:45Yum.

35:45Honey, are you sure you don't want to order something?

35:47No.

35:47You know what?

35:48I'm not even hungry.

35:48Yeah.

35:49No, no.

35:49So, so, so, how was your day?

35:52It was good.

35:53Good.

35:54Good.

35:54Well, actually, not so good.

35:56Remember Bob?

35:56Yeah.

35:57He died.

35:57Oh.

35:57Yeah, it was weird.

35:58Apparently, he was raking leaves.

36:00Uh-huh.

36:00And they...

36:00Oh!

36:01Time to take my chromiopicolinate and test my heart rate.

36:03Sorry, honey.

36:05Honey?

36:06One, two, three.

36:06Is this all a part of this new diet thing?

36:08Not a diet.

36:09Not a diet.

36:09Diets don't work.

36:11No, I'm eating healthy and living life.

36:13Whoa.

36:14That's the old me talking.

36:15Hey, Fatty doesn't live here anymore.

36:18Whoa, dizzy.

36:20No.

36:20Where the heck is that way for their food?

36:22I just...

36:22Does everyone at the diet center...

36:24Uh, not a diet center.

36:25Support group.

36:25Fannie makes support group.

36:26Fannie makes support group.

36:27Okay, here is your water and your lemon, and here is your soup.

36:31Now, would you like the breadstick and the almond now, or would you like that with your

36:34main course?

36:35Oh, now or later with the...

36:37Either one now.

36:37Now, now, now.

36:38Go, go, go, now.

36:40So, how's the soup?

36:42Oh, whoa.

36:44Honey, this diet support group does not seem healthy to me at all.

36:48Okay, okay.

36:49You know what?

36:49They warned us about this.

36:50They warned us about this is a common phenomenon for the loved one of the weight loser.

36:54See, you are afraid that the new me won't love and support you.

36:58I accept that fear, embrace it, and need to reassure you that I'm not going to leave you.

37:02Never, ever, ever.

37:02Not to the day you die.

37:03Never.

37:04Fuck, dear.

37:06Wow.

37:06Does that look good?

37:08Yum.

37:08Gosh, I hope I can eat it all.

37:09I'm pretty full from that water.

37:10Hmm.

37:11Hey.

37:12Quiet, you.

37:13Now, the beauty of this diet is its simplicity.

37:17See, it's about making your mind work for you.

37:20An example.

37:20See, you need steak in order to eat steak.

37:23Taste steak.

37:23I don't need steak.

37:24All I really need is this bread steak.

37:26See, that's a good piece of meat.

37:28Honey, that's not a steak.

37:29Shh.

37:30Shh.

37:30Support.

37:31I need support.

37:31Shh.

37:32Oh, sweetie, I see spots.

37:33Okay.

37:34I'm all right.

37:35Okay.

37:36Now, take this green bean and dip it in ketchup.

37:38See, that's like a French fry.

37:39See, anything tastes like a French fry if you dip enough ketchup.

37:41I said, shut the hell up.

37:45I don't know what it's doing.

37:46Okay, this is not good.

37:47This is not good.

37:48Your stomach is going crazy, and you're twitching like you haven't slept in weeks.

37:51So you're going to order something now.

37:52Okay, excuse me?

37:53Honey, I'm fine.

37:54I'm not even hungry.

37:55I'm not.

37:56You know why?

37:56Because nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

37:59Yeah.

38:00Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

38:01Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

38:03Nothing.

38:04No, no, no, no.

38:05Oh, God.

38:06Oh, God.

38:06Hey, hey, hey, hey.

38:07You know what?

38:08She's just a little hungry.

38:08I'll pay for anything.

38:09Honey, I think I ruined my diet.

38:18That's okay.

38:19That's okay.

38:20I like the cake.

38:22That's good.

38:23That's good.

38:24So here's a map of the campus, all the faculty listings, et cetera, et cetera.

38:41Other than that, looks like you're all set.

38:43Great.

38:44Oh, how late is the library open?

38:4610 o'clock.

38:47Great.

38:48Well, listen, if you need anything else, just let me know.

38:50All right, thanks.

38:51All right.

38:51God, God.

39:00Put on a tearaway shirt, man.

39:01What?

39:02If you can't fight in that thing, put on a tearaway shirt.

39:04Wait, what fight?

39:05This is it, man.

39:07This is it.

39:08Freaking loudmouth tennis team.

39:09Think they can run this school?

39:10When they get here, we're going to kick their freaking heads in you and me.

39:13Ow, ow.

39:14Wait, excuse me.

39:16I'm not fighting anybody.

39:18You're my roommate, right?

39:19Just went away, right?

39:20Well, yeah.

39:22So we're going to kick their freaking heads in, roomie.

39:24That's what roommates do.

39:25Now put on a tearaway shirt.

39:27Look, if you're my roommate, that's fine.

39:29But whatever fight you have going, man, that's your thing, okay?

39:32Too late, man.

39:33I told them you and me we're going to take them down.

39:35Wait a minute.

39:36This is a joke, right?

39:38That's very funny.

39:39You got me.

39:40You totally got me.

39:43Hello?

39:43Yeah?

39:48We're waiting for you, you freaks.

39:50108.

39:53Man, supper pants.

39:56I don't care how many guys you got.

39:57Me and my roommate.

39:58What's your name, man?

40:00Roger.

40:01Steve.

40:01All right.

40:03Me and my roommate, Roger, will kick your freaking heads in.

40:06Roger.

40:07That's right.

40:07His name is Roger.

40:08No, you're dead.

40:12All right, man.

40:12We're going to need a plan.

40:15Wait.

40:15Look.

40:16I am not a part of your stupid fight, all right?

40:19But it's you and me versus them.

40:20No.

40:21Hey.

40:22Don't wuss out of me, bro.

40:23Don't wuss out of me.

40:24There's one thing I hate more than tennis players.

40:26These guys who wuss out of me and I don't.

40:27Okay, look.

40:27I'm not wussing out on anything, all right?

40:30I'm just not going to fight somebody else's fight.

40:32That's all.

40:32You're my roommate, man.

40:33If you don't do this.

40:34What?

40:34Are you going to punch me?

40:35I don't see how you're punching me is going to help.

40:37Okay, okay, man.

40:39Relax.

40:40Easy.

40:41You had to come.

40:42It's okay, man.

40:42You had to come.

40:44You hit me.

40:45I forgive you.

40:46Now let's regroup.

40:48Look.

40:49I did not come to college to get into fights.

40:51Can you understand that?

40:52I want to get killed.

40:53Hey, pfft.

40:54I've been in tons of fights.

40:56I've only been killed once.

40:56No big deal.

40:59I'm leaving.

41:00Hey, guy.

41:01If you've got a better idea than fighting 10 or 15 guys,

41:02let me know because I'd love to hear it.

41:05Goodbye.

41:07Hey, there's the other guy.

41:10That's the roommate.

41:11Get him.

41:12No.

41:14You hold them up, man.

41:16I'm going to get more guys.

41:18Open the door.

41:19I will.

41:20Yeah.

41:27It's like a simple move.

41:29Imagine like 50 legs.

41:30See, now that doesn't look so good now,

41:34but like if you have the rest of my dancers that I have a crew.

41:37That's it, folks.

41:48I hope you liked our show.

41:49And remember, it's lonely at the top when there's no one on the bottom.

41:52Oh, my God.

41:54And he's he's like

41:58God.

42:03Oh, my God.

42:07Oh, my God.

42:13Oh, wow.

42:14I can't see any of you.

42:15I can't see any of you.

42:16I know.

42:17Something's starting.

42:18Something's starting.

42:19Something's starting.

42:20They know how you are.

42:21You can't get home.

42:22I'm fine.

42:23I'm fine.

42:24I'm fine.

42:25The fourth wall is my friend.

42:27Nah, I'm fine.

42:34Myxas.

42:37It's fast.

42:38You're crazy because they know how you are.

42:45The fourth wall is my friend.

Category

Transcript

Be the first to comment

Recommended