- 5 weeks ago
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00:00.
00:30When you now see 50,000 lefties marching down the streets going on about the so-called
00:38injustices in the South African system, that still leaves 55 million of us who don't give
00:43a toss.
00:44So we must ask ourselves the question, why?
00:48Why is it that the socialists, or as I prefer to call them, bastards, take the streets and
00:54complain?
00:55Why don't they show us on the television?
00:57Exactly.
00:58So I ask you to join May in this March, so that we can show people that we don't care.
01:07We're all right, Jack, but quite frankly, we don't give them monkeys.
01:12Our chant will be, what do we want?
01:18Well, nothing much, really.
01:20I've got most things I need, but if you were to push me, I wouldn't say no to a blender.
01:26When do we get it?
01:28Monthly.
01:29When do we get it?
01:32Monthly.
01:33Monthly.
01:34What do we want?
01:35Monthly.
01:36We don't know.
01:37When do we want?
01:38We don't know.
01:39When do we want it?
01:40We don't know.
01:41We don't know.
01:42When do we want it?
01:43We don't know.
01:44We don't know.
01:45When do we want it?
01:46We don't know.
01:47When do we want it?
01:48We don't know.
01:49What do we want?
01:50We don't know.
01:51When do we want it?
01:52We don't know.
01:53When do we want it?
01:54When do we want it?
01:55Monthly.
01:56What do we want?
01:57No.
01:58What do we want?
01:59It's always somebody who wants to ruin it, isn't it?
02:01We don't know.
02:02What do we want?
02:03We don't know.
02:04When do we want it?
02:05Now.
02:06What do we want?
02:07We don't know.
02:08When do we want it?
02:09Now.
02:10When do we want it?
02:11Now.
02:12What do we want?
02:13We don't know.
02:14When do we want it?
02:15Now.
02:16When do we want? When do we want it?
02:19Now!
02:26What's the long ear of it?
02:29What's the long ear of it?
02:33All right, move along.
02:35Yes, of course, delighted.
02:42All right, move along.
02:43No, Chaz.
02:45Why not?
02:45We don't know.
02:47All right, who's in charge?
02:49Don't tell them.
02:50No, we won't.
02:57All right, who's in charge?
03:00Don't tell them.
03:04No, we won't.
03:07Right, you're coming with me, mate.
03:10You're not obliged to say anything.
03:12But if you do say anything, it won't exist to dare to use the evidence against you.
03:18Sure.
03:18Oh, my God.
03:19Oh!
03:19Yeah.
03:20You're going to get it?
03:21Oh!
03:21Oh, my God.
03:22Oh!
03:22I don't know.
03:23I don't know.
03:53Well, yes, I mean, I like the red and the gold in the pattern.
04:05It's just that there's a problem in that it's just too...
04:08It's too near.
04:11Too near what?
04:12It's too near me, you see.
04:15You see, my associate Donald McDermott and I are choosing wallpaper
04:18for the back wall in our kitchen, you see.
04:20Now, if I'm standing here, then the back wall in our kitchen
04:24is about three yards beyond your display there.
04:28Well, I'm really not sure what we can do about that.
04:31Well, I mean, do you have the same pattern, only slightly further away?
04:38Well, I could try the back shop.
04:40No, I think we'll just leave it.
04:42Thanks for your help, anyway.
04:43George, George, over here.
04:44Look.
04:46Well, it's about the right distance away, isn't it?
04:48Yeah, it's almost perfect, yes.
04:51As for the pattern?
04:53Well, I'll tell you what, you be the cooker.
04:54Okay.
04:55And we'll see what the pattern looks like.
04:56Right, fine.
04:57Right.
04:57Gas off, I think.
05:05Gas off, okay.
05:06Yes.
05:06Yes.
05:06What do you think?
05:09Well, it...
05:11I'm not...
05:12I think the pattern clashes with the jacket.
05:14Ah, well, yeah.
05:15We tried, at least.
05:16Yes, we tried.
05:16Are you interested in this pattern, sir?
05:18No, no, I'm afraid that this pattern clashes with our cooker's jacket.
05:21You know, so...
05:22As for the distance?
05:24Oh, the distance is almost perfect.
05:25It's just that the pattern's all wrong.
05:28Well, why don't we try this distance with the pattern you liked originally?
05:34There we go.
05:34Now, don't you play the fast laddie with me, sunshine.
05:38You may be able to fool my short associate here.
05:42But I know perfectly well that that's the original roll of wallpaper you showed me.
05:46I know perfectly well that that wallpaper's only three feet away.
05:50Expect to hear from my solicitors.
05:52I'll bid you good day.
05:53Donaldo.
05:54Well said, George.
05:56Hello.
05:58That could come in useful.
06:00Excuse me, assistant.
06:01Firstly, apologies for my little outburst there.
06:04But, you know, there's a perfectly rational explanation.
06:08I'm a bastard.
06:09But, you know, what's done is done.
06:11That's water under the bridge and I accept your apology.
06:14Now, moving on.
06:15How much is this kettle?
06:18That's not a kettle, sir.
06:19That is a settee.
06:20Oh, that's why there's no spout.
06:23Of course.
06:24It's for sitting on.
06:27Clever.
06:27Clever.
06:28Clever, I see now.
06:29Very clever.
06:30Yes.
06:31Well, I, uh, give her a go.
06:38Well, it's not very comfy.
06:40No, sir.
06:41You sit on it like this.
06:43You see?
06:45Ah.
06:46Right enough.
06:47Ah.
06:48Ah.
06:51No, well, this is no good for us.
06:53No, no.
06:53You see, our television's over there.
06:55You see?
06:55Yeah.
06:55You see?
06:55It's a straining line, though.
06:58You're getting a terrible prick in our neck.
07:00It's just, it's useless.
07:01Right, right.
07:02Let's try something else.
07:04Turn the settee round.
07:07Your television is there.
07:09You sit like this.
07:10No cricks in your neck.
07:11What do you think, Donald?
07:17It's not going to work on a Thursday.
07:18You're right, you know.
07:19It's not going to work on a Thursday.
07:21No.
07:21Very good plan, sir.
07:23But I'm afraid that it is just not going to work on a Thursday.
07:26Because, you see, on a Thursday, we do rather tend to sit like this.
07:33You can see the problem.
07:35I can, yes.
07:37And, of course, you see, I like to do that.
07:39Imagine a situation, perhaps, maybe, you know,
07:41if, say, I wanted to sit down over here.
07:49It's an unlockable situation.
07:51Well, look, why don't we...
07:54Oh, my God!
07:56Oh, my God!
08:07Oh, my God!
08:13Oh, my God.
08:43Just give that to the doctor when you go through one.
08:58Next, please.
09:04Hello, doctor.
09:05Hello.
09:05Now, how can I help you?
09:08Oh, well, it's a bit embarrassing, doctor.
09:11I've got a library book up my arse.
09:14A library book up your arse?
09:15Good heavens.
09:16What book is it?
09:17It's the latest Geoffrey Archer.
09:20That is embarrassing.
09:21Hardback or piggyback?
09:23Oh, hardback.
09:25Oh, that's a bit of a problem.
09:27I'll say it is.
09:27It's due back tomorrow.
09:31How did it happen?
09:33Well, how should I know?
09:34I only joined the library a week ago.
09:37Oh, don't worry.
09:38I know there's a lot of it about.
09:38I had a chap in here the other week with a magazine up his knob.
09:42Oh, foolish people.
09:44I wish people would pay more attention to what they're reading.
09:47Anyway, I'm going to give you this pamphlet on safe literature
09:49and just let nature take its course.
09:51Aren't you going to do anything else?
09:53Oh, no need.
09:54Just wait six months and it'll come out as a paperback.
09:59Doctor, I don't know how to thank you.
10:01Oh, really?
10:02Oh, I'll make you an appointment to see our speech therapist.
10:04Did you?
10:10Yes, I did.
10:12Good.
10:12Oh, my God.
10:42Well, sir.
10:59Oh, well, that's Tuesday evenings sorted out, anyway.
11:01I'm still not very comfortable, though.
11:03Well, George, can I suggest you take that coffee percolator out of your arse?
11:07All right, yeah, fair enough.
11:12Oh, God.
11:14Pop by the table.
11:17Well, the company's again buoyant with gross sales of 650 million,
11:21net investment of 350 million,
11:22and there's an offer on the table for the company of 690 million
11:25that I think we should seriously consider.
11:27You cannot be serious.
11:31Yeah, this offer is just not high enough.
11:33Look, if everybody bought 73 shares over the next three days,
11:37then our market value would shoot up.
11:39The company, the staff, the general public.
11:43Everyone would bet.
11:44I agree.
11:46No, no, no.
11:47We just cannot accept this deal.
11:49It is unfair, unethical, unjustifiable.
11:53Look, as far as I can see, it's about our wives, our kids.
12:03It's about our future.
12:07I think so, yes.
12:11Miss Bosoms?
12:12Yes, sorry, we got slightly ahead of ourselves.
12:15I know it's earlier than expected,
12:16but could we have these stunt people in, please?
12:19All right, back to the meeting.
12:25Now, where were we?
12:27Yes, I was upset about our wives, our kids, and the future.
12:30Ah, yes, that's right.
12:31OK, everyone ready?
12:33Yep.
12:34Look, as far as I'm concerned, it's about our wives,
12:40our kids.
12:42It's about our future.
12:46No, no, no.
12:47Jonathan, I've been on the board with you
12:49for five years and five months,
12:51and quite frankly, I've had all I'm going to take from you.
12:54Huh.
12:54I suppose you think by threatening me, I'll back down.
12:57Well, I can't.
13:01I am going downstairs to get the Westport file.
13:07Excuse me.
13:12Oh, God's sake.
13:14Couldn't have waited till the accountant got here.
13:17Oh, God.
13:22Afternoon.
13:23So, what do you think?
13:25Well, I say, accept the offer.
13:28Right!
13:29That's bloody well it!
13:31I quit!
13:32kids I don't know they don't have to be just a bunch of noisy little bastards who ask a lot
13:50of damn fool questions integrate them like what's his name here put them to use
14:02go go useful perhaps even fun but sadly illegal however
14:32there will be no awkward questions if you use children in your leisure activities right indeed
15:02James here used to spend all his time watching super dead
15:13now he's got a chance to get out in the mood some fresh air on his lungs
15:16not all kids like golf
15:22yeah
15:27yeah
15:29yeah
15:31yeah
15:34yeah
15:37yeah
15:39yeah
15:41The great thing about children is that they're young,
15:57subtle, light, and above all, impressionable.
16:11That's a start.
16:20All right, Mum.
16:23Kids. My dad was a kid.
16:27But he couldn't keep it up.
16:30Dead now, though.
16:32He was a coal miner and a pit pony chewed
16:37through the flecks of his hairdryer.
16:41He just lost the way to live.
16:44You shut up.
16:47Right. Ready. Listen.
16:51Partings.
16:55Look at that. Look at that.
16:57That's how you do it.
16:59That's how you get on in the world.
17:02That's how you get things done.
17:06Look at this man. What's his game?
17:13What the bloody hell does he think he's playing at?
17:18It's not clever.
17:20It's not funny.
17:22It's not necessary.
17:24It is not normal.
17:29How does he expect to get a job?
17:32If he's going for a job, then the job better be as a bastard layabout.
17:38He's not going to get it, is he?
17:43Listen.
17:44You can do anything you want as long as you've got a party.
17:53You can murder your wife.
17:55You can eat babies.
17:57Just as long as you've got a party.
18:00Just as long as you've got a party.
18:12Okay.
18:13He may have started World War II.
18:16He may have been responsible for the Holocaust.
18:18But you could have taken him home to meet your parents!
18:24Look at this man.
18:25What's he won?
18:27Bugger all.
18:30This man won the World Cup.
18:33And he won the World Cup because he had a proper bloody haircut.
18:41And this man got beaten by this man for pretty bloody obvious reasons.
18:49And I don't think this man would have got into so much trouble if he'd let...
19:07Look out.
19:11Watch out ahead.
19:15Over 30s only.
19:1930 people coming.
19:21Home for 30 only.
19:26It's quite cold.
19:31Army manoeuvres.
19:35Keep going.
19:37Move along.
19:38Get weaving.
19:43Hats.
19:45Put your hat on.
19:47Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
19:53Hello, Dolly.
19:57Oh, sponge.
19:59Spongy bath.
20:03Look left.
20:04Look right.
20:05Look left again.
20:07Aye, aye, Captain.
20:12Oh, nuts in the road.
20:16Oh, something about an envelope.
20:21Shadow.
20:23Big shadow up ahead.
20:26Tea time.
20:27You've got dog handlers.
20:28You've got dog handlers.
20:30Nowhere of dog handlers.
20:35Don't be naughty.
20:37Put on your spectacles.
20:40That's my telephone.
20:41Bend over.
20:43Oh, thank you, Grandad for the present.
20:45Moon river.
20:47Brighter than a mile.
20:49Oh, geese.
20:50Something about geese.
20:51Give me a little snack, Constable.
20:53Thank you very much.
20:54By the way, Johnson.
20:56I'm not impressed by that plain clothes of yours.
21:00Now, then.
21:03When did this cassette arrive?
21:04Last night.
21:05Hmm.
21:06How long has your son been missing?
21:07About two days.
21:08Oh.
21:09Better give it a bit of a listen-in, hadn't we?
21:10Got a cassette player?
21:11Yes, it's just this.
21:12Oh.
21:13All right.
21:14We've got your son and your son.
21:15Thank you very much.
21:16Thank you very much.
21:17By the way, Johnson.
21:18I'm not impressed by that plain clothes of yours.
21:19Now, then.
21:20When did this cassette arrive?
21:21Last night.
21:22Hmm.
21:23How long has your son been missing?
21:24About two days.
21:25Oh.
21:26Better give it a bit of a listen-in, hadn't we?
21:27Got a cassette player?
21:28Yes, it's just this.
21:29Oh.
21:30All right, we've got your son and he's okay.
21:36Now, it's quite simple, Mr and Mrs Barton.
21:39If you follow our instructions to the letter, nobody gets hurt
21:43and Robert is returned to you safe and sound.
21:47All we want is £100,000, which we know you've got,
21:52and then everybody's happy.
21:54And, er, don't do anything stupid.
21:57And we'll be phoning you back at five o'clock this evening
22:01to make arrangements.
22:03In the meantime,
22:05hear some music.
22:18And that's Friday night Cajun dancing taken care of.
22:21Right.
22:22We'll take it.
22:24You wrap it.
22:25You wrap it up.
22:26I'll phone the police and find out where we live.
22:28Okay.
22:31Hold on.
22:44The director, tell him.
22:46Don't wear open-toed sandals.
22:57It's cruel to toads.
23:03Oh, er, I don't know where they're getting from.
23:06They didn't like it.
23:11Uh-huh.
23:12Aye.
23:13Oh, yes.
23:14Yes.
23:15Yes.
23:16Yes.
23:17Yes.
23:18Uh-huh.
23:19Yes.
23:20Oh, well, that's all, er, foresaid and forever, eh, Mr McGlassian,
23:25but you know the rules.
23:26Any package delivered to me that is unclaimed within 50 minutes
23:28will be delivered into the hands of the bomb squad.
23:31Forthwith.
23:32Yes.
23:33Sorry.
23:34Oh, well.
23:35It looks very suspicious to me, sir.
23:36Yes.
23:37Well, it gives the impression of being a postcard from Ibiza, sir, but, er,
23:46you and I know, er, er, things, sir.
23:51Sorry?
23:52Yes, I'm just saying, no, I'm saying...
23:55Aye.
23:56Aye.
23:57Oh.
23:58Aye.
23:59Oh.
24:00Aye.
24:01Oh.
24:02Aye.
24:03Aye.
24:04Aye, right, foghorn leghorn.
24:05Either you pick up your package.
24:07Within the next two minutes or I shall have to implement disposal, eh, procedures.
24:11Eh, I must go now, sir.
24:12I have an unidentified alien in the environs.
24:18Excuse me, I want...
24:19Stand well back, sir.
24:20Stand well back.
24:21We have an incendiary package situation.
24:32Right, Dwight.
24:33What do you require, squire?
24:34Well, er, I was just passing and remembered an old friend of mine, Tom McGlashlin, works in here.
24:38Uh-huh.
24:39So I thought I'd just pop in and say hello.
24:40I know where his office is, so I'll just...
24:41Well, fair enough, sir.
24:42If he'd just like to go...
24:43...straight through the...
24:44...and then go...
24:45...down the...
24:46...and then...
24:47...and...
24:48...right through...
24:49...and if he'd just like to go straight through the door, Mark...
24:51Bugger off!
24:52That would suit me perfectly, sir.
24:57But you don't understand.
24:58I used to work here, you see, so...
24:59Oh!
25:00Well, in that case, sir, just go through the door next.
25:01That one, Mark, bugger off anyway!
25:03Ha!
25:04Yeah, yeah, watch it, son.
25:05With any sudden movement, we are trained to respond quickly and effectively.
25:10So just...
25:11Right!
25:12Oh!
25:13Hi, Colin.
25:14Where is my postcard, you stupid man?
25:16I cannot make a statement during terrorist apprehension procedures, sir.
25:19Oh, God's sake, you're an idiot, man!
25:21Thank you very much.
25:22Come on.
25:23Come on.
25:24Come on.
25:25Come on.
25:26Come on.
25:27Come on.
25:28Come on.
25:29Come on.
25:30Come on.
25:31Come on.
25:32Come on.
25:33Come on.
25:34Come on.
25:35Come on.
25:36Come on.
25:37Come on.
25:38Come on.
25:39Come on.
25:40Come on, Colin.
25:41Let's go.
25:42Oh!
25:43Be very careful, sir.
25:44He's got a watch.
25:45And he knows how to use it.
25:51Mayday.
25:52Mayday.
25:53Security front desk speaking.
25:54The front desk is flooded.
25:56I am requesting Spontex cloths and squeezy mops.
25:59Get your Spontex and squeezy boys up here pronto.
26:02This is a water invasion situation.
26:10I will stay with my desk as long as humanly possible.
26:14She's going fast.
26:16Dive, dive, dive.
26:18I don't think so.
26:19Woo!
26:20Woo!
26:21Woo!
26:22Woo!
26:23Woo!
26:25Hey, my son.
26:26Woo!
26:27Woo!
26:28Woo!
26:29Woo!
26:30Woo!
26:31Woo!
26:36Ah!
26:37Woo!
26:38Woo!
26:39Uh!
26:41Alan how are you? I thought it was fancy dress
26:59Alan how are you Tony nice to see you both and you sorry Judy's not here who is she oh she'll be
27:19fine little bit of a rest of his writers ring anyway she sends her a love to booth so nice
27:25isn't that nice Tony oh yes that's very nice anyway come in yes no point standing out here in the hall
27:32look who's here Alan good to see you good to see you sorry I thought it was fancy dress
27:42bossy looking as lovely as ever Alan nice to see you and you know Jamie
27:51long time no mate too long
27:59so Alan no Judy no she's ill but she sent her love oh that's nice send mine back of course Derek do you
28:16want your love sent back oh god yes Alan Alan would you do that for me consider it sent good good good
28:24good I haven't seen Judy in ages would you like me to send your love to her no no regards I think in
28:32the search yes and of course she would have sent her regards to you had she known you'd be here
28:36Jamie sure she was George you would Philip Huxley by the way asking for you ask him back for me
28:43oh my god that reminds me Boz and Derek Lily and Ali send their love with most people as does Rob
28:51Alder who would love to have met you Rob heard so much about him send him a love anyway well
29:01while we're about it right Rod and Zelda love to all Bill Daniels special love to Jamie Alan and Judy
29:10were she here could you pass that on Alan for me yes Mary and her new husband Tom send their love to Alan
29:16regards to Jenny and Tony and I've heard so much
29:19how about Jamie
29:22oh sir
29:23they ask if we could pass their love on to anyone we meet who we think that they might like their love passed on to
29:28oh that's a lovely regarding asking for oh love to all of you by the way
29:39well lovely evening
29:47yes
29:48come on Bozzy busy day tomorrow
29:51well Tony it's passed so quickly
29:53oh it's so lovely to see you
29:54oh come again
29:56oh and Alan do remember to send my love to Judy
30:01I won't forget
30:02yes yes Boz and I are in for some of that
30:04right right and what did we say for Jamie again
30:06regards wasn't it
30:07oh asking for I thought
30:08no no no no no no no no no God I can't remember
30:11oh my god this is a nightmare let's go back in and sort all of it out
30:15yeah
30:18no sir
30:23right who is sending love to
30:25well I've got the list so if you want to just take this
30:27oh my god
30:29I don't know
30:31I had enough
30:32yeah
30:34I had enough
30:36there's heat
30:38no I might see a mattress is okay
30:42but I prefer a cigarette
30:44oh
30:46oh
30:47what the bloody hell
30:49pardon my Welsh
30:51no
30:52no
30:53no
30:54no
30:55no
30:56yes I do know what happens when your mum has a baby
31:01she goes into the hospital and the doctor says this way madam
31:06and he puts her in a box like what dead people go in
31:10then he breaks her legs so that the baby can be borne out properly
31:15then your mum has a drink to make her sleepy and it is um yeah I think it is beer
31:23and then the doctor does look up your mum's bottom with the dinoclias and the baby says I'm ready and the doctor does pull it out with the big tweezers then the doctor does hold the baby upside down for to make it sick and then he does measure it with the ruler and when a baby is borne out it is only one inch big
31:30with a centimeter on it and the doctor does say if it is big enough to go in the world
31:37when a baby is born out it is only one inch big with a centimeter on it
31:47ruler and when a baby is borned out it is only one inch big with a centimeter on it
31:56and the doctor does say if it is big enough to go in the world and if it isn't then he
32:01does fold it up and put it back up your mum's length but if it was too big then the doctor
32:08would have to chop your mum's bottom off and do sewing on her tummy in case her meat comes out
32:17and if it is big enough then you are allowed to go to the hospital and if you're allowed to hold
32:23the baby you must be very very careful because the baby's head is not properly sewed on to the rest of
32:32it and it might drop off a wall on the ground and a dog might eat it and your mum will be really cross
32:41and her face would go blue then it is time for the baby's tea from your mum's bosom
32:49and it has um special cake called um baby cake and orange juice but the baby is not allowed to
33:01see your mum's bosom and that is why your baby's eyes do not open for two years
33:10and when you are holding the baby then you must be careful not to pinch it
33:14because your mum would not like you anymore so you must never pinch the baby
33:20or punch it or spank it and you must not bite the baby's nose because the baby needs the nose
33:31for when it is growed up and does the smelling
33:36so you must love the baby all of the time yes you must it's true
33:40and if you buy the timeshare for a hundred years you get this plastic spade absolutely free
33:49okay bye just now then yes can i help you sir well i was wondering when you'd have the common
33:56decency to inquire after me i've been stood here as they say for over a quarter of a minute without
34:02so much as a how do you do you look like a particularly fine father and member of the community
34:07yes you can help me i am a father and this is my family who are a family we are interested in
34:14booking a vacation i say and what did you have in mind
34:24if you just give me a minute i'll come to that our ideal holiday is as follows we would like to be
34:30located with an easy walking distance of somewhere normal yes we would like to rise at 5 30 a.m
34:36a bloot and a report for an interesting lecture on the river trade of the danube
34:40yes we would like a bracing walk followed by a short film on pottery we would not like any food as my
34:45wife is not only an handsome woman but is also a vine cook yes yes in whichever country you choose for
34:54us it must be ensured that the big boy's book of interesting things is available in the local news
34:59agents in english i hazened ward finally it must be ensured that we are surrounded by people exactly
35:08the same as us so where are we going what about your house well as president of the people who are
35:16exactly like me club i do not expect to receive any lip from the lower orders i consider the matter closed
35:23family you may browse albania correct me correct me if i'm incorrect but i understand that albania
35:34is populated solely by heathens horses and lesbians next suggestion please father what about the joker
35:42yes we could stay in the hotel concrete yes it's easier for lunch dinner and tea we could eat fish and
35:50chips yes and in the evening we can do to a dixie cube yes i believe it's called a package holiday
35:56holiday
36:05ah you must be the stuntman yeah right okay
36:26you
36:35you
36:37you
36:41you
36:45you
36:47Mmm mmm mmmm
36:50Mmm mmm mmm
36:58
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