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00:11I love getting in super early.
00:14I can go over all the stories for today's paper,
00:16respond to emails,
00:18if I have the time.
00:20One of my favorite things to do
00:22is to come in here in the morning
00:23and dig out a 40...
00:25Ah! What the f***?
00:26What are you doing? What?
00:28I, um, just got here a little early, so I figured...
00:30You're in pajamas.
00:34You're sleeping here?
00:35Yes.
00:38My building, the plumbing,
00:40stopped working two days ago,
00:41and it's really disgusting.
00:43Okay. Did you tell the landlord?
00:44Yes, yes. It's the whole building.
00:46God, what's that smell?
00:50I'm doing what I can.
00:53It's not a bad smell.
00:55If you want, you can go to my place
00:57and take a shower.
00:58Uh, while I stay here, I mean...
01:00Oh, would that be weird?
01:02No. No, no, no. It's easy-peasy.
01:03There's a really nice shampoo.
01:05Don't use that.
01:06And there's some towels
01:07that you should hang up after...
01:09I'll write you out a list.
01:10Yeah.
01:11Key's an address, and I'm not there.
01:13Sure.
01:14Yeah.
01:15Come here.
01:16Oh.
01:20You holding your breath?
01:21No.
01:23It smells good.
01:252nd.
01:523rd.
01:531nd.
01:56and that's water pressure is crazy good pushes you around the shower like a little bully
02:02it turns out there's a giant clog backing up mayor's entire neighborhood it's not just her
02:06building ned's super excited about the story he thinks it's our flint water crisis i agree
02:13it's a legit story it's a damn disaster my girlfriend's from this neighborhood and she's
02:18been living in my apartment this whole time okay it is true the city is taking its time fixing the
02:24clog residents are stuck using porta potties there's porta potties come on roxanne
02:35oh my goodness why are there children and mothers everywhere is group c boarding on a southwest
02:44plight they're holding commercial auditions for kid mitts in the conference room man mitts sales
02:51are already so encouraging we have decided to expand the brand next stop kid mitts coming this fall
03:00our ad agency has been scouring midwest middle schools looking for a pt the hasty wiper we need
03:08a little face with real star power to launch kid mitts since man mitts is our most valuable product
03:15ned and i have had one or two rather heated debates as to how best to get the word out
03:20we had one
03:21yesterday i'm not calling your ass wiping glove the penicillin of personal hygiene just because it
03:26happens to be owned by the same company that owns the newspaper yes separation of church and state i said
03:31there are occasions when church and state need to team up like what the inquisition come on mate
03:36it writes itself in fact it has written itself it's all there oh no we're not in the waste
03:42basket get out my son mateo is very talented that is chalamet from dune not wonka i was in the
03:53middle of a math test so what addition subtraction who do you want to be when i grow up a
03:59florist
04:01what do you think the clog is going to be tree roots my guess is restaurant grease travis bet me
04:08it'd be an alligator corpse here she comes why is the sewer blockage a sheet
04:19uh what does that look like to you what
04:25is that holy crap man mitts see how the fingers link up it's the hands across america of sewer clogs
04:32and i don't care if that reference dates me but the man mitt is flushable
04:36is it i mean the sewer guy said there was like 50 yards of them jammed in the pipes he
04:41said it looked
04:41like hundreds of mickey mouses have been caught stealing by the taliban
04:45i just swore to ken that i'd never write about the parent company
04:49screw it my star reporter needs to bathe i wonder what marvel do if we publish it
04:55if we publish it when we publish it you're smiling so are you psycho
05:03uh i think i left my bagel in the bathroom
05:09i pick my enemies carefully and the name on my paycheck will not be one of them
05:15and there goes nicole making her brave stance on the sidelines
05:18we need proof of what they know and when they knew it who can we trust
05:26oh i know who will talk to me
05:32kimbo what's her name oh how you doing hey
05:37uh can we talk about something girl to girl
05:40of course mary bear girl on girl
05:42oh it's gorgeous braid is somebody's birthday
05:46i mean every wednesday someone's birthday
05:49one's yours blondie
05:51so um the man met you guys have been moving a lot of those bad boys lately huh
05:57yep okay here's my question have you guys gotten any complaints that
06:02they're not actually flushable
06:05get off my desk
06:16thanks to kid mitts i have more time with this mitt holds up a baseball glove
06:21where does it say the character took xanax
06:25amore i'm thinking about dinner tonight
06:28you know i would love to make your favorite spaghetti al pomodoro and french fries
06:34i'll make them for you but if you don't learn this
06:37forget about dinner no lines no dinner okay
06:42and the best thing is i'm not itchy down there because i know i'm getting everything
06:47nicole detrick adam atalola can you come see me please
06:52can you blur my face
06:54i love my enervate family i'm only here because ned is making me
06:58you're my hero nicole
07:00oh um
07:01um travis
07:03yeah
07:03i'm sorry but we are working on something that might compromise softies
07:08i have to ask you to recuse yourself from this one
07:11damn
07:12okay
07:13well i understand sir
07:14guess you want my press badge back
07:17oh that's not necessary
07:18where'd you get that
07:19i made it
07:20oh then i might take it i guess
07:22no no no no
07:24stop
07:25i have just heard that one of your reporters has broken the church state barrier and is reporting
07:32on my mates i said that's impossible because previously you had a very principled hissy fit
07:38saying you wouldn't do that so i want you to shut that down this is your first and only warning
07:44you don't have the authority to do that shut it down that's your second real warning marv is on vacation
07:50and i am not permitted to get hold of him i cannot do what you're asking me to do you
07:56shall follow the truth wherever it shall lead
07:58what's that from
07:59you used to work in sales didn't you for softies
08:03i suspected that maybe you would bleed purple behind that um milkfish complexion
08:08you need to stop this right now ned
08:11and you can consider that your final warning
08:14and you needn't think there won't be more where that came from
08:17ken
08:17yeah
08:19get out of my newsroom
08:20careful
08:24let's go
08:28felt good thank you very much all right so
08:31excuse me roll back roll back
08:35dirt trick you work in sales don't you come with me
08:37we need to empty the entire softies warehouse before this story breaks and that is going to be a bit
08:43difficult
08:43as our buyers have already placed their orders for the month
08:46but i'm sure you can handle it
08:48accountants who are the accountants
08:50you work for both so you have to go back to neutral switzerland thank you very much
08:54barry
08:56barry
08:57yeah
08:58you have seniority
09:00you are in charge of everything newspaper
09:04love that
09:06i guess this leaves the four of us to break the story
09:08first order of business charlie's angels
09:11too sexy for prime time
09:12at pro and con on my desk
09:14in 15
09:19three of us
09:20mm-hmm
09:25cute kid
09:26congratulations
09:29you know i worry about him having a career
09:33because you see what happens to these child actors
09:36well they start heroin really early like
09:41sometimes they vomit on you then they prostitute themselves yes
09:45he doesn't look like but he will
09:48and then one day they just stab you in the bed and that's it
09:52a lot of blood
10:08and each finger is stitched separately interesting you think a fiber this inexpensive would
10:15disintegrate but can actually withstand a 95 mile per hour ground stroke it's pretty insane right
10:21yeah
10:21now would you say it's fleshable
10:24what what makes you ask that
10:26hey
10:26hey are you two from the newspaper
10:28oh
10:37oh
10:57maybe
11:02that's
11:05that's
11:06that's
11:08i will say all sorts of things to discredit a best-selling wife
11:11you know what i heard about femdabs
11:12they make you go blind
11:14hello
11:15oh
11:16damn it
11:19oh
11:25i aspire to be the perfect corporate yes man
11:29i co-sign every single email i'm cc'd on
11:32doesn't matter what it says
11:34the important thing is you get a co-credit on all the decisions being made
11:39and i print out every single email so there's proof of my involvement
11:43for when the spoils are divvied up but under ned's new media regime
11:50that paper trail could absolutely wreck me
11:55hello travis
11:56hello ken
11:57i was wondering if i could enlist your unsavory services to get rid of some documents
12:02well that depends are you willing to follow me to a second location without question
12:06yes sir
12:07in a third if need be
12:09i'd rather just start in a third then maybe move on to a fourth
12:12so the brit means business
12:14it does
12:14let's go then parking lot ten minutes
12:16be there or be square
12:18okay
12:19yeah
12:20yeah people tend to just trust me
12:23it's something about the beard and soft eyes combination
12:27people say i look like a young chris kringle
12:29i've logged you into my old softies email account
12:33they cc'd me on basically everything so there might be something interesting in there
12:37you're letting us go through your emails
12:40i'd rather set myself on fire than let you see my emails
12:43what do i have to hide
12:44wait what's this
12:46hey dante what's good how many units did you move last week
12:49i don't know twenty
12:49twenty i moved more units to trick-or-treaters on halloween and i live in a cul-de-sac
12:54you clearly don't want it dog
12:57dante clearly doesn't want it
12:58you can turn this off
12:59what is this
13:00it's
13:01they used to make me do motivational sales videos but you should turn it off
13:06no no could we just watch like one minute of it please
13:08all right
13:09i know it's dumb though so
13:14you all want to know how to sell like me
13:16well bad news i can't tell you that
13:18i can't give you the keys to this porsche it only starts for me
13:22and my fingerprint ignition you know that wasn't cheap
13:25but here's the thang
13:27each and every one of you has your own luxury vehicle hidden inside you
13:32you just gotta figure out what starts your engine
13:35so let me hear your engines
13:37come on
13:40now open them up
13:41wow
13:44all right fine i know it's a little cheesy
13:46you looked like you but like 25 percent were oily
13:50you looked flammable
13:52okay yeah all right the hair is a little bit
13:55but uh the look is an important part of stuff
13:57you looked like if draco malfoy had a cocaine problem
14:01well it was a very demanding job
14:03and i made a lot of money for the company
14:06so maybe we just go back to the emails
14:08i'm sorry i'm sorry i i hurt your feelings
14:10no no not at all i like it
14:12i like being ribbed
14:13you look like macaulay culkin now
14:16you look like an asshole
14:18i think it's important that we can all make fun of each other
14:20i think it's a really fun thing to do but that's not who i am anymore
14:24okay maybe we can just move on with our lives
14:27get back to work
14:28totally
14:28you look like if bottle service was a person
14:31sorry i haven't been able to get mine in
14:34i don't have all day to make sure i got it all
14:37thanks to kid mitts i have more time to be a kid
14:39maybe now try that last line with a little more enthusiasm
14:43yeah
14:45thanks to kid mitts i have more time to be a kid
14:47okay that was great
14:49yeah no no no sorry sorry
14:50do my rewrite
14:51you know i'm a journalist
14:53i like writing so
14:55yes do it do it
14:57i was born filthy in sin
14:59so i'd be under
15:00not that one
15:00the second one
15:03it's baseball season
15:05and the only stains my single mom should be getting out of my pants are grass stains
15:08no okay just a second
15:10give me the size
15:11amore
15:12just a second
15:13do you think we can play with this a bit for the kid you know he's a bit tense
15:18okay great
15:19so i am the young mom okay
15:23huh
15:24hey sweetheart
15:26how was soccer today
15:28huh
15:29there is a lightning storm
15:36oh my god
15:38i just switched bodies with my mom
15:41she has my body now
15:44and i am the beautiful woman
15:47wow
15:48oh
15:49this is how it feels to have clean underwear
15:53i'm going to spend her money to buy the wipes i need to clean myself
16:00yeah
16:00i mean this is just one direction
16:02then there are many other possibilities you know millions millions
16:06did i say half off
16:07i meant it's double half off
16:09then what would you be
16:10no no no wait wait wait
16:14that will be just fine captain
16:16this is good
16:16we gotta go about a half a click further
16:18we're not going any more clicks further i'm pulling right
16:20this is perfect
16:22hello moorhands
16:23those are moorhand ducks
16:25how'd you know that
16:25oh i know my ducks
16:26nice
16:27you love her
16:28yeah
16:29goodbye
16:30wait shh shh shh shh
16:31did you hear that
16:32no
16:33i don't think we're alone
16:36i think someone's watching us
16:38who else is here travis
16:40where the hell have you brought us
16:44ow
16:45right on that tattletales
16:47hey we're neutral
16:48leave us alone
16:50hey millennials
16:51it's not toilet paper
16:53it's not toilet paper
16:53and if you're just tossing rolls of paper at someone's head
16:56there's an art to it
16:59cedric
17:01my family budget thanks you
17:03a little more bullying
17:04maybe some tissue boxes or diapers or something
17:21aww
17:25after
17:25bloody hell
17:27well well well
17:28here they all are
17:30i would
17:31love to know what you're all doing here
17:33ken
17:34hmm
17:35we don't have time for this
17:36Because I know that you wouldn't continue to write a defamatory piece about man-mits
17:42once I had specifically forbidden you not to.
17:45Our warehouse is still half full.
17:47I can't afford your precious conscience.
17:48So, by the powers vested in me, by Marv not being here,
17:52I declare this article cancelled.
17:54The state has shut down the churches.
17:57Then the church...
18:00condemns you to hell.
18:03Ineffective.
18:04The church is out of business.
18:10Then I resign.
18:12Dude.
18:13Do you?
18:14Yeah.
18:16I mean it.
18:17You shut this article down and I resign.
18:19Well, that would be delightful.
18:20But have you got the nuts for it?
18:23Oh, I have the nuts.
18:24Do you?
18:25You want to see my nuts?
18:26I'll show everyone my nuts right now.
18:28Excuse me, everyone.
18:29Can I have everyone's attention?
18:31Anyone who works for the truth teller or has ever?
18:34You're being a little bit of a hothead right now.
18:36Oh, well, am I a hothead or an oily head?
18:38Make up your mind.
18:39Oh, my God.
18:39Is that what you're actually mad?
18:41Take a seat.
18:41Excuse me, everyone.
18:42I have something very noble to say.
18:45Do I have your attention?
18:47Good.
18:48Okay, I have to do something very important right now and very, very difficult.
18:53We didn't ask to write a story about the flushability of Softie's man mitts.
18:59That story came to us and it demanded to be told.
19:03So, now I must do that which every newsman dreads.
19:08I must sacrifice myself for the good of the paper and the community
19:15by resigning as editor-in-chief of the Toledo Truth Teller.
19:22If you must shed tears, do not shed them on my account.
19:25Shed them for justice because justice has not been served today.
19:29As my final act before this historic resignation,
19:32I hereby appoint Mayor Preeti as acting editor of my beloved truth teller.
19:39Right.
19:40Heavy lies the crown.
19:42Okay, Ned.
19:44Yeah.
19:45Just let me know where you want me to send your last paycheck.
19:52Excuse me, Miss Casting Person.
19:56Oh, God.
19:58When we read the site, we couldn't believe it.
20:01Mateo, he ran into my bed crying.
20:05Mama, mama, they wrote my story.
20:07This is me.
20:09Your mom sure is something, huh?
20:12Yeah.
20:13Hey, did you ever hear of gray rocking?
20:17No.
20:18Okay.
20:19It's what I use on my mom.
20:20My mom's a pretty toxic narcissist.
20:22She loves drama.
20:24So, whenever she got into one of her moods,
20:27I'd make myself as uninteresting as possible.
20:30Like a little gray rock.
20:32Gray rocking.
20:34Huh?
20:38Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved,
20:40but I just wanted to give the kid a fighting chance.
20:43Oh, and the little I'm like you routine?
20:46Don't believe it.
20:47My mother was a saint.
20:50That old man's a narcissist if he thinks I'm gonna listen to him over my own mom.
20:54That guy doesn't buy my Wendy's.
21:21Try our new Greek bowl.
21:24There's always a bowl, isn't there, in America?
21:26Everything's bowls with you guys.
21:28Ah!
21:29Oh, hello.
21:30Can we talk?
21:31Of course we can.
21:32Your prints are all over the man-mits prototype.
21:35Hmm.
21:36I champion this.
21:37Ken Davies.
21:38Hmm.
21:39The innovation we need.
21:41Ken Davies.
21:42Love it more.
21:44Yum, yum.
21:44Ken Davies.
21:45I've been blackmailed by enough women over the years
21:48to know when they're in it for the thrill
21:50and when they actually want something.
21:51On with it.
21:52I want you to let us publish this
21:54so Ned can unresign without looking like a wuss.
21:59Listen here, darling.
22:00If Marv comes back
22:02and there's a warehouse full of unsellable toilet mitts...
22:05I know.
22:05I think the truth teller would be the least of his concerns.
22:08We're in the same doomed boat, honey.
22:12Hmm.
22:16I'll let you in on a little secret.
22:18Hmm?
22:19I happen to know someone
22:20for whom nothing is unsellable.
22:22The paper needs you.
22:24We need the sales, Ned.
22:27The paper needs me.
22:29You're the only one who can save us.
22:32I wish I was man enough to do it myself.
22:36But I'm not.
22:38I'm sorry.
22:40I just...
22:40I think it's the only way.
22:46Come on.
22:47Go rev up that engine, Samson.
22:52I would say don't look at me.
22:55They always end up looking.
22:57Hmm.
22:58All right.
23:01Whoo!
23:01Come on, guys!
23:02We got some mitts to sell.
23:04All eyes on me.
23:05These are no longer wiped for poop
23:08that we flush down the toilet.
23:09These are kitchen wipes
23:12that you throw in the trash.
23:14All right?
23:14All-purpose, all-surface,
23:16sturdy, ergonomic kitchen wipes.
23:18You got it?
23:19You got it?
23:20Yeah.
23:20Yes.
23:20Okay.
23:21Stick and sell, people.
23:22Stick and sell.
23:24Loving this, Ned?
23:26Yes.
23:26Can I speak to Jeff Arrington, please?
23:28Thank you very much.
23:29Hey, Jeff!
23:30My name's Ned Sampson.
23:31I'm here with Softies Corporate.
23:33I'm sure that you have heard of us.
23:34I've definitely heard of you
23:35because I work out in your gyms five days a week.
23:37Jeff, you've changed my life,
23:39so I'm about to change yours.
23:40Does that sound good?
23:42That sounds great.
23:44I could gab all night,
23:46but nothing I say is gonna compare
23:47with slipping one of these miracle kitchen mitts
23:48on your own mitt
23:49and going to town on a soiled surface.
23:50Better yet,
23:51I can offer you a 30% discount
23:53if you take a gross right now.
23:54Okay,
23:55and when did you first notice
23:56the sewage smell in your kitchen?
23:58Just the sound of a grain silo, Nicky,
24:00brings me back to my summer job.
24:02Just the sound of a nail salon, Lee,
24:05it brings me back to my summer job.
24:07You're an ultimate frisbee guy?
24:09I'm an ultimate frisbee guy!
24:10You're a cutter?
24:11I'm a handler!
24:12Sick!
24:13Woo!
24:15Woo-hoo!
24:18Okay,
24:18and who is responsible
24:19for maintaining the trunk line?
24:21Interesting.
24:22It's a chopstick wipe, Mae.
24:23Of course it's a chopstick wipe.
24:25That's what it was made for.
24:29All right,
24:29you can get back next month.
24:31Did you say your home
24:33became a literal hell
24:34or a living hell?
24:35I just want to hear
24:36those two words I'm in.
24:37Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it.
24:40Beautiful!
24:41Woo!
24:42Yeah!
24:43Everybody dance,
24:44everybody dance,
24:45everybody, everybody,
24:46everybody dance,
24:46everybody, everybody,
24:47everybody, everybody,
24:48everybody, everybody,
24:49everybody, everybody dance.
24:50How did we get here?
24:52Thank you very much, sir.
24:53It's a pleasure doing business with you.
24:55Boom!
24:56That's the one!
24:57That's the one, baby!
24:59All the way!
24:59Sometimes,
25:01the best way to serve the paper
25:02is by publishing an important story.
25:06Sometimes,
25:07it's by quitting.
25:09And sometimes,
25:11it is by selling
25:12a boatload
25:13of rebranded kitchen wipes.
25:15Today,
25:16it was all three.
25:25Like father,
25:26like son,
25:28kid mitts
25:28get the job done.
25:31Use mitts,
25:31go in the trash,
25:32not the toilet.
25:32The kid is okay,
25:34but his mother,
25:36embarrassing.
25:36I mean,
25:37what's wrong with her?
25:38She has a stiff neck?
25:42Excuse me,
25:44can I get your footage
25:45for my acting reel?
25:54Excuse me,
25:59can I get your footage
26:00for my acting reel?
26:02What's wrong with her?
26:04I'm just kidding,
26:06I'm just kidding.
26:08It's next
26:08I'm 종 пока
26:08on the middle.
26:08Okay.
26:19How does she wait?
26:19Verse 1
26:21I'm sorry,
26:23She's not a big one.
26:24I will say it will be
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